Image copyright Getty Images Image caption "Shh! Don't tell anyone!"

The secret is a rather insidious phenomenon. Life shows that sooner or later the secret becomes clear, and the desire to keep something a secret quite often pushes us to lie.

BBC journalist Mark Tully asked the question: is openness always good and in what cases is it justified to keep secrets?

According to psychologists, thinking about what we keep secret makes us less happy, and in some cases can even negatively affect our physical health.

It can be said that giving up secrets is quite often a wise decision.

But not everything is so simple. There are a number of cases when it is better to keep the truth to yourself. What are these situations?

1. When it doesn't concern anyone else

No one needs to know about your habits or personal quirks that may confuse others. So it’s better not to tell anyone about them - of course, if you yourself don’t want others to know about them.

Maybe you are secretly a fan of the pop duo Jedward or dance the Tudor jig in the morning, or maybe you suffer from mycophobia - the fear of poisoning yourself with mushrooms?

It doesn't matter what personal oddities are characteristic of you - this is your own business, and no one needs to know about it.

2. When a friend told his secret and asked not to tell anyone

Image copyright Getty Images Image caption "Only between us..."

If we agree, at the request of friends, to keep some of their secrets, then we must fulfill the promise.

Telling the secret of your friend, you risk ruining your relationship with him forever.

Even worse, if you told a friend's secret to some person, and he blabbed it to everyone. Once you tell someone else's secret, you can no longer prevent the information from spreading. Everything will depend entirely on the person whom you have dedicated to the secret.

This idea is well illustrated by the situation with the writer JK Rowling, when in 2013 her pseudonym was revealed - Robert Galbraith, under which she wrote the detective "Cuckoo's Call".

The fact that this is Rowling's pseudonym was a secret: only a few people knew about it. But that didn't help keep the secret. As it turned out, lawyer Rowling revealed the secret to his wife's best friend, and soon the whole world found out who was behind the pseudonym Robert Galbraith.

3. When it comes to business

Image copyright Getty Images Image caption "I know where the information is stored..."

The success of many companies is associated with the ability to keep important business information secret, which gives them an edge over competitors.

For example, the Coca-Cola Company is known for keeping the recipe of its drinks under the strictest confidence. Only a few employees know the recipes. Recipes are not stored on electronic media- they are written down on paper and lie in the safe.

Google is no less serious about keeping secrets about the Hummingbird search algorithm, which the company has been using since 2013. Hummingbird determines the relevance of a document to a search phrase by deciphering the relationship between the terms used in the query. Google does not disclose technical principles Hummingbird's work.

But it's not just companies that build their businesses on keeping extremely sensitive information secret.

So do some people who build a career and try to achieve success.

The legendary American illusionist and actor Harry Houdini built his career thanks, among other things, to the fact that he kept the secrets of his tricks in secret. Until now, no one knows how he managed to disappear from the straitjacket while he was hanging upside down in it.

4. To protect yourself

Image copyright Getty Images Image caption About our psychological trauma speak only when you are ready for such a conversation

5. If it's a surprise

Image copyright Getty Images Image caption Oh my god!

Surprises - if we are talking about a birthday greeting or a gift are very pleasant: they make it clear how important the person for whom the surprise was being prepared is. But before you organize something like that, you need to make sure that the person loves surprises and is ready for them.

The indefatigable romantic Mark Crayford hid from his girlfriend for six months that he was taking riding lessons. He also ordered knightly armor from Germany. He did all this in order to appear before his girlfriend in the garb of a knight and propose to her.

Unfortunately, as Mark dismounted from his horse, he collapsed to the ground not very gracefully. As a result, the marriage proposal turned out to be not as beautiful and romantic as Mark expected. But despite what happened, his girlfriend Tracy still said yes.

6. initial stage negotiations

Image copyright Getty Images Image caption Details of business or international negotiations should be kept secret for some time.

In the early stages of international negotiations on important issues relating, for example, to security or the conclusion of a truce, their details are usually kept secret. This is done so that the parties can more openly express their position.

By agreeing to talk, both parties involved in the negotiations are taking a huge political risk, says Patricia Lewis, an expert at Chatham House, a British think tank specializing in foreign affairs.

Therefore, as the expert notes, it is very important for the parties to be sure that they can openly explore the possibilities of finding a compromise without fear that the details of the negotiations will become known to the public or more. a wide range persons.

7. To ensure the safety or protection of someone

Image copyright Getty Images Image caption World War II poster reminds of the importance of keeping secrets

During the Second World War, many people, trying to protect others, turned out to be the keepers of big secrets.

During the Nazi occupation of Denmark, Jörgen Keeler's family was able to save the lives of thousands of Jews by transporting them to Sweden.

For two weekends, young Elsbeth Keeler secretly traveled all over Denmark, collecting about a million crowns in donations for this operation (this amount is equivalent to today's 168 thousand dollars).

The money was used to bribe soldiers and pay fishermen who agreed to transport groups of Jews to Sweden by sea.

• Pastukhov's blog. Lies as alternative truth
• Why do the Dutch always say what they think

Secrets are especially important when it comes to national security.

We may never know how many terrorist attacks are prevented by police and intelligence agencies around the world every day.

When such operations become known, we understand how important it was to keep information about them secret: the police have to a long period time to secretly monitor suspects in order to uncover the plans of criminals. Often, the ability to keep information secret helps save hundreds and even thousands of lives.

Hello. It's me? and i have a problem. But it wasn’t she who got me sick, it was the attitude of those around her.

My problem is infertility. Unexplained infertility. In a nutshell, I will explain: a couple is considered infertile if, after a year of active efforts, they could not conceive a child. Usually such a couple, if you still want a child, is examined up and down and the cause is found. There can be many reasons. But it happens that doctors do not find the cause. According to all indicators, everything is normal, but there are no children. And then they say "infertility of unknown origin" and shrug.

My husband and I have been married for five years. No kids. We want very much. Zadolbali following categories of others.

People who, “Oh, but my second husband’s third niece Masha quickly flew into the air. That's right - bang and that's it. On the wedding night. How is it that you can't do that?" That's how it is. Some people get pregnant easily. And we are not. We don't get pregnant at all. Do you seriously think that from what I hear about the pregnant Masha, I will immediately incur?

People who, "Oh, go to church, put a candle and everything will be fine." Citizens, I do not believe in God. Sorry. Maybe all this helps someone, but, probably, they believe in it. I don't believe. And to be hypocritical and go to church without believing a bit, I think, is very bad.

People who "Oh, but you drink the urine of a pregnant elephant and everything will be fine." Not! I will not drink herbs, urine, or melted snow from the top of Elbrus. And I don't care what you saw on TV, like it helps. Yes, I'm sorry that we don't have children, and I really really want them. But this does not mean that I will start believing in fairy tales, shamanism, paying charlatans, looking for miraculous recipes on the Internet and in the Zdorovye newspaper, praying for a portrait of Kashpirovsky and what else do you advise me there. I'm infertile, not crazy yet.

People who "Oh, but your husband will leave you." Especially in the presence of her husband. Will not leave. He experiences what is happening with me. We love each other. And the fact that the cause has not been found does not mean that it is completely in me. Maybe in it. And so we're trying to get through this together. Thank you for believing in us, man.

A special hello to people who, “Oh, have you donated blood? Maybe there's something in it?" People, we have been tested for a year! We passed all the tests, including those that you have never heard of. Do you seriously think that we, such fools, did not pass simplest analysis who hand over first and didn't find some obvious problem? You still check with us the presence of genital organs. And then suddenly we don’t know at all how children are made and for all five years we just look at each other and hold hands?

People, we do not climb to you with our problem. We have learned to live with it and try to live full life. We go hiking, do work and hobbies, try to get the most out of what is happening. Because you want children, yes, but you can’t poison yourself every day of your life with thoughts about their absence. We do not walk with a banner down the street. We generally try to keep silent about the problem. So no, you pester us with questions: “When will the masik be?” Strive to pat me on the stomach as soon as I say that I can not drink. And now, when you have been trying to find out for half an hour that we are still not happy parents, we cannot stand it and answer. And then we listen to your nonsense. Guys, if you don’t have enough tact not to ask, then at least don’t bother with advice. We're not asking you to mourn with us, just nod, just pretend you didn't hear anything, just say, "What a pity." Well, something like this. Don't poison us, we don't have much fun without you.

Sometimes there are moments when you really want to answer. And at the same time, you know that if you don’t keep silent and open your mouth now, you will say a lot of bad things, offend a person and, possibly, ruin your relationship with him forever. It is especially difficult to remain silent when a person deliberately brings you to this state.

What to do in such situations? Keep silent? Reply? And when exactly is it worth answering, and when is it really better to remain silent? Psychologists, as always, know the answer. Or, by at least trying to find a way out of this unpleasant situation.

So, you are in a situation where you really want to express everything that you think, but this will be the beginning of the end. How do you know when you can speak your mind and when it is better to remain silent?

Psychologist and Ph.D. Leon F. Seltzer offers his vision and identifies eight situations when it is better to bite your tongue.

Option number 1. When you understand that you can offend someone, but will not affect the resolution of the situation in any way

If you understand that this is your personal assessment situations and it can offend the interlocutor, but at the same time it will not help to solve the problem at all, it is better to keep silent. Some people can be very responsive and friendly, but also very impulsive and touchy (and this is a very common combination). As a rule, in this state they do not accept someone else's point of view. What to do if they annoy you with their actions? Try to internally analyze this conflict for yourself personally, draw conclusions and try to deal with your disappointment internally, and not express your point of view to your opponent.

Option #2: When someone says something like “Is it true that I turned out horribly in a photo?”

This question usually has two answers. The first is that you will try to convince him otherwise, at least out of politeness, even if the person really looks terrible. The second is the truth, whatever it may be. Both of these options are not very suitable, since in the first case a person will go to a meeting or work in a terrible state, and in the second he will be very upset. You can only speak directly like this to a person with normal self-esteem, who normally treats criticism.

In this case, it is difficult to be original, since this is precisely the “better to remain silent than to speak” option.

Option number 3. When the interlocutor deliberately causes negativity in you so that you do not restrain yourself and answer rudely

Very convenient, by the way, because later you can say that you started it and accuse you of being rude. Very often, passive-aggressive people behave in this way, who seem to be doing nothing special, but by their behavior and actions they try to cause maximum negative emotions. When criticism is expressed (albeit constructive), you automatically turn on self-defense mode, and this is quite natural. In this situation, Leon advises not to interrupt, to silently listen to everything and try to answer very restrainedly or keep your opinion to yourself, saying that you heard the opinion of the interlocutor.

Option number 4. When the interlocutor is so excited that your answer will piss him off even more

Before you try to explain something to a too excited interlocutor, just remember yourself in this state - “I don’t hear anyone but myself”, right? In this case, it is worth giving a person the opportunity to speak out, let off steam, and only after that carefully express his opinion. Any attempts to do this during the release of aggression will not lead to anything good and can aggravate the situation, since in this state any arguments, even the most logical ones, can be turned upside down.

Option number 5. When the interlocutor tries to piss you off even more

Anger is a very bad emotion that should be kept at bay. controlled level. But some especially gifted people able to infuriate even the calmest. If you feel that rage is growing inside you, your heart rate is racing, your hands are starting to sweat, then take a few deep breaths and ... keep silent. Otherwise, everything said in this state (and you obviously won’t say anything good) will be used against you in the future. It's hard to resist, but it's possible. To do this, Dr. Leon Seltzer recommends at least occasionally practicing meditation - it helps to be collected and very calming.

Option number 6. When someone teases you

Responding to ridicule is a thankless task, since the original goal of the offender is your reaction, whatever it may be. This is especially true when you are dealing with a professional bully (troll). These people can use any of your answers against you. The only reaction they don't want to get from you is to be ignored. So don't please them and ignore any attempts to piss you off and get you to respond.

Option number 7. When they try to involve you in a conversation on topics that you do not understand

There are people who always try to speak only on those topics in which they are professionals, knowing that their interlocutor does not understand anything about it. This is such a peculiar way to raise your opinion and humiliate your opponent. Another option is people who always consider themselves right and who simply cannot be argued with.

Never argue with idiots. You will sink to their level, where they will crush you with their experience. Mark Twain

Will you argue with an idiot?

Option #8: When Your Reaction Amplifies the Unwanted Behavior

The simplest and most eloquent example is a child's tantrum with wallowing on the floor. Thus, the child tries to evoke at least some kind of reaction in you, and then begins to hysteria even more. This is when the child accidentally fell, skinned his knee and begins to sob softly, carefully watching your reaction. If you get alarmed and begin to hysterically ask if everything is all right with him, a quiet sob of 100% will turn into a loud roar. I can confirm this to you as the mother of a 7-year-old boy.

When you raise the child with a calm face and say that it’s okay, everything will heal, the child will whimper a little and calm down, but if you start running around him in a panic, constantly asking if everything is all right with him, you are guaranteed a tantrum. Not only because he really hurts, but also because in this way he can beg you for something tasty or a toy as a consolation prize. This behavior doesn't always work with parents who are used to it, but it almost always works with grandparents. Unfortunately, some adults behave the same way.

When you read the advice of psychologists, everything seems very clear and simple to implement, but when it comes to actions, emotions turn on and everything useful information becomes easy empty words that you once read in smart book or article. It seems to me that these eight tips from Dr. Leon F. Seltzer are quite simple to follow. Just before you open your mouth and answer, count to yourself at least up to three, take a deep breath, exhale and ... keep silent.

What to do in such situations? Keep silent? Reply? And when exactly is it worth answering, and when is it really better to remain silent? Psychologists, as always, know the answer. Well, or at least trying to find a way out of this unpleasant situation.

So, you are in a situation where you really want to express everything that you think, but this will be the beginning of the end. How do you know when you can speak your mind and when it is better to remain silent?

Psychologist and Ph.D. Leon F. Seltzer offers his vision and identifies eight situations when it is better to bite your tongue.

Option number 1. When you can offend someone, but do not affect the resolution of the situation in any way

If you understand that this is your personal assessment of the situation and it may offend the interlocutor, but at the same time it will not help to solve the problem at all, it is better to remain silent. Some people can be very responsive and friendly, but also very impulsive and touchy (and this is a very common combination). As a rule, in this state they do not accept someone else's point of view.

What to do if they annoy you with their actions? Try to internally analyze this conflict for yourself personally, draw conclusions and try to deal with your disappointment internally, and not express your point of view to your opponent.

Option number 2. To the question: “Is it true that I turned out terribly in the photo?”

This question usually has two answers. First - you will try to convince him of the opposite, at least out of politeness, even if the person really looks terrible. The second is the truth, whatever it may be. Both of these options are not very suitable, since in the first case a person will go in a terrible way to a meeting or to, and in the second he will be very upset. You can only speak directly like this to a person with normal self-esteem, who normally treats criticism.

In this case, it is difficult to be original, since this is precisely the “better to remain silent than to speak” option.

Option number 3. When the interlocutor deliberately causes negativity in you

Very convenient, by the way, because later you can say that you started it and accuse you of being rude. Very often, passive-aggressive people behave in this way, who seem to do nothing special, but by their behavior and actions they try to evoke maximum negative emotions.

When criticism is expressed (albeit constructive), you automatically turn on self-defense mode, and this is quite natural. In this situation, Leon advises not to interrupt, to silently listen to everything and try to answer very restrainedly or keep your opinion to yourself, saying that you heard the opinion of the interlocutor.

Option number 4. When the interlocutor is nervous, and your answer will piss him off even more

Before you try to explain something to a too excited interlocutor, just remember yourself in this state - “I don’t hear anyone but myself”, right? In this case, it is worth giving a person the opportunity to speak out, let off steam, and only after that carefully express his opinion. Any attempts to do this during the release of aggression will not lead to anything good and can aggravate the situation, since in this state any arguments, even the most logical ones, can be turned upside down.

Option number 5. When the interlocutor tries to piss you off even more

Anger is a very bad emotion, which is desirable to keep at a controlled level. But some especially gifted people know how to infuriate even the most calm. If you feel that rage is growing inside you, your heart rate is racing, your hands are starting to sweat, then take a few deep breaths and ... keep silent. Otherwise, everything said in this state (and you obviously won’t say anything good) will be used against you in the future.

It's hard to resist, but it's possible. To do this, Dr. Leon Seltzer recommends at least occasionally practicing - it helps to be collected and very calming.

Option number 6. When someone teases you

Responding to ridicule is a thankless task, since the original goal of the offender is your reaction, whatever it may be. This is especially true when you are dealing with a professional bully (troll). These people can use any of your answers against you. The only reaction they don't want to get from you is to be ignored. So don't please them and ignore any attempts to piss you off and get you to respond.

Option number 7. When you are involved in a conversation on topics that you do not understand

There are people who always try to speak only on those topics in which they are professionals, knowing that their interlocutor does not understand anything about it. This is such a peculiar way to raise your self-esteem and humiliate your opponent. Another option is people who always consider themselves right and who simply cannot be argued with.

Never argue with idiots. You will sink to their level, where they will crush you with their experience. Mark Twain

Will you argue with an idiot?

Option #8: When Your Reaction Amplifies the Unwanted Behavior

The simplest and most eloquent example is a children's tantrum with wallowing on the floor. Thus, the child tries to evoke at least some kind of reaction in you, and then begins to hysteria even more. This is when the child accidentally fell, skinned his knee and begins to sob softly, carefully watching your reaction. If you get alarmed and begin to hysterically ask if everything is all right with him, a quiet sob of 100% will turn into a loud roar. I can confirm this to you as the mother of a 7-year-old boy.

When you raise the child with a calm face and say that it’s okay, everything will heal, the child will whimper a little and calm down, but if you start running around him in a panic, constantly asking if everything is all right with him, you are guaranteed a tantrum. Not only because he really hurts, but also because in this way he can beg you for something tasty or a toy as a consolation prize. This behavior doesn't always work with parents who are used to it, but it almost always works with grandparents as well. Unfortunately, some adults behave the same way.

When you read the advice of psychologists, everything seems very clear and simple to implement, but when it comes to actions, emotions turn on and all useful information becomes just empty words that you once read in a smart book or article. It seems to me that these eight tips from Dr. Leon F. Seltzer are quite simple to follow.

Just before you open your mouth and answer, count to yourself at least up to three, take a deep breath, exhale and ... keep silent. ;)

Developing communication skills, we must understand that in order to achieve the results we need in relation to people and in particular in a conversation with them, do not seem stupid, do not cause harm and inconvenience (both to ourselves and to another person) and not cause mistrust, in some moments it is better to remain silent.

The difficult choice between "keep silent" or "say" has to be made quickly and intuitively. But still there are situations when it is obvious that it is better to remain silent than to speak.

When is it best to remain silent?

Honesty and sincerity are worthy of praise, but sometimes a frank and truthful remark can greatly complicate the relationship with others. It is better to remain silent about the shortcomings (character or appearance) and not criticize a person whom you do not know well and cannot predict how he will react. Of course, if it is necessary to put a presumptuous villain in his place, this is another matter, in other cases it is better to remain silent. There are situations when it is impossible to remain silent, in which case it is better to make a remark in line with constructive criticism.

It is better to remain silent about your plans, about unfulfilled ideas. Why? Psychologists are convinced that by declaring intentions and announcing your goals, you turn them into a “social reality”. So you are misleading own brain, he thinks that the goal has become closer, a feeling of satisfaction sets in, and the incentive to work on the goal decreases. You will learn more about this theory from the article - “Why is silence golden?”.

It is better to remain silent even in a situation where you do not understand the essence or the topic of the conversation is not known. There are people who, in order to seem smarter, are ready to participate in any conversation, and very often it ends funny for them. If you do not fully understand the meaning of the conversation (you are not present at first, you do not know people well, etc.), it is better to keep silent, do not interfere. It is also better to remain silent if you do not understand the topic of the conversation - you will look smarter. It is impossible to know everything, you are not Wasserman, you are forgiven.

As one said a wise man – « When you drink good wine, do not ask where it comes from, but an honest man do not ask - about his religion and origin". Religion, politics and national question- Topics are very sensitive. It is better to remain silent! Some people are even on neutral or positive words, concerning these topics, can react in the most unpredictable way.

Keep silent or avoid answering in a situation where you are required to quickly decision making, and it concerns difficult things - very smart. You have time to think, weigh all the pros and cons. Quick acceptance of unexpected offers is often shortsighted. If you feel pressure in a proposal (collaboration, sale, move to another position, etc.) and you are told that it is valid for two or three minutes, remember, the smart one will remain silent or answer “no”. By the way similar way get a quick response Decide now or never…") one of ways to manipulate people. So it's better to remain silent.

When discussing third parties in a conversation, people often baselessly and unsubstantiatedly pour accusations right and left. Such criticism can only be called slander. Therefore, when it comes to discussing a person (especially one who is not around), it is better to remain silent than to say something based on assumptions and conjectures. Imagine that for every word of untruth you can be sued or you “can be pulled up by the tongue” (yes, pulled up so much that it won’t seem enough). And even if out of twenty people who speak about us, nineteen tell a lie, we should not be like such people. Remember, slander is an instrument of envy, and envy does not lead to good.

If you speak, but they don’t listen to you, you should immediately shut up, otherwise you may be considered an intrusive and annoying person. And to make it look beautiful, you can use some kind of distracting situation (for example, remember that you need to call). Also, do not resume a conversation that did not arouse interest and the conversation was interrupted not on your initiative. It will have to be asked.

If in the above situation you cannot say to yourself: I would better keep silent», « I just keep silent", maybe then you need to think about how how to get rid of talkativeness and verbosity?

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