Jokes of scientists. How scientists joke

Everyone is used to thinking that scientists are boring people and have absolutely no sense of humor. In fact, this is not true at all. Make no mistake, most of them are not boring at all and people are extremely funny. They love and know how to joke, and intricately and very witty ...

For some reason, as a rule, scientists are presented as such serious guys in white coats who communicate in their own language to no one but them understandable language, while all the time being in their own "time-spatial continuum" (and in a simple way - "on their own wave"). But in fact, scientists are people like the rest of us, and everything human is not alien to them, including a sense of humor.

Oh yes, some scientists are still those humorists ... For example, great physicist Albert Einstein, who has many witty sayings and quotes:

Once, a pretty American journalist interviewed him:

-What do you think is the difference between time and eternity?
- My dear, if I had time to explain this difference to you, an eternity will pass before you understand it ...

However, in some of the jokes of this professor there is very deep wisdom.

Once at a lecture, Einstein was asked: How are great scientific discoveries made? He replied: " Imagine that everyone knows about something that it is impossible to do it. But there is some ignoramus here who does not even know about it. He makes a discovery!»…

Indeed, all discoveries and inventions are made not thanks to, but in spite of public opinion and all scientists-discoverers are some kind of revolutionaries who defy established scientific dogmas.

And as befits all true great scientists, Einstein was very distracted and forgetful. Once, in connection with this trait of his, a funny incident happened to him.

Despite already a considerable age and worldwide fame, the scientist did not hesitate to use public transport. Once he got on a Berlin tram, and out of habit immediately plunged into reading. Then, noticing the conductor, he pulled out the pre-prepared money for the ticket from his pocket.
-Not enough here the conductor said.
- It can not be- Einstein answered without looking up from the book.
-I tell you not enough the conductor repeated with irritation. Einstein rummaged around in his pocket and indeed found another coin. He felt uncomfortable, but the conductor said with a smile:
-Nothing grandpa, just need to learn arithmetic!

But what are we all about Einstein, there are other scientists worthy of our attention. For example, Robert Wood, who was driving a car, drove through a red light. The policeman stopped him and demanded a fine. Wood began to make excuses:
-I was driving too fast, and from a car traveling thousands of kilometers per second, a red traffic light looks green!

Unfortunately, the policeman did not understand the joke, and besides, he fined the scientist for speeding ...

Heisenberg was driving when he was stopped by the traffic police. " Don't you know how fast you're driving?" the policeman asked him. " Not Heisenberg replied, But I know exactly where I am at the moment».

Lots of jokes in scientific world about the famous Russian chemist Dmitri Mendeleev and his no less famous table chemical elements. Indeed, according to legend, this table first appeared to him in a dream. Therefore, they say that before Mendeleev dreamed about her, Pushkin dreamed about her, but he did not understand anything there (he would dream about this!), and Mendeleev had to dream about her.

But apparently the first place in scientific humor in our time is occupied by the so-called "British scientists".

Who are these "British scientists"? These are scientists (and not necessarily from Britain) who are engaged in various absurd, ridiculous and divorced from reality scientific research. For such scientists, a special Ig Nobel Prize was even created (a parody of the Nobel Prize).

Here are some of the Ig Nobel Prize winners:

Indian scientist K. Srikumar received the Ig Nobel Prize in Mathematics for the report " calculation total area Indian elephants”, the American scientist David Schmidt won the Physics Prize for finding out why, when the shower is turned on, the curtain is pulled inward (it turns out that a mini hurricane is created in the bath with a zone low pressure), the German scientist Arnd Lake for proving that beer foam obeys the laws of exponential decay (this is what it means to drink beer with benefit).

And a group of scientists from the UK (the real "British scientists") received the Ig Nobel Prize in Biology for the study: " Mating ostriches courting humans on British farms”.

But in general, a strange topic of research in biology, which also received the Ig Nobel Prize: the biologist K. Molider from Holland became the Ig Nobel laureate for ... description “ the first scientifically documented manifestation of homosexual necrophilia in wild ducks”(I wonder what this scientist smoked before choosing such a topic for research?).

And of course about scientists created great amount anecdotes and all kinds of tales:

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are drinking coffee on the patio when they notice that two people have entered the house on the other side of the street. After a while, three people left the house.
Biologist: Two mated, bred, and three left the house.
Engineer: No, it's just that our original observation is wrong!
Mathematician: You are both wrong. You need to wait until another person enters the house and then it will be empty again.

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer were given the task of finding the volume of a red rubber ball.
The physicist immersed the ball in a glass of water and measured the volume of liquid displaced.
The mathematician measured the diameter of the ball and calculated the triple integral.
The engineer took out the “Table of Volumes of Red Rubber Balls” from the table and found the desired value.

A woman comes to the tailor's atelier:
- Please sew me a nightgown 3 meters long.
- Why are you like this?
- And I have a husband - scientist. For him, the main thing is the search, not the final result.

The research scientist, looking up from the microscope, sadly asks his colleagues:
- Gentlemen, no one knows the antonym for the word "eureka"?

In front of the professor's astonished audience, a proof emerged from the theorem.

At the Institute of Applied Physics of the Russian Academy of Sciences, it has been theoretically proven that a liter of vodka spilled on the floor occupies an area equal to one square meter and actually represents a square liter. Spend practical experiences scientists have not yet raised their hands.

Who do you have? -
Yes, some kind of crazy .... claims that he invented the clergy
- Like this?
The man pulls the gag out of his mouth and he starts screaming:
- I'm the inventor Popov! I'm the inventor Popov!!!

A plumber fixes a toilet at the professor's house. He worked for half an hour, fixed everything and says:
- One hundred dollars from you.
The professor becomes indignant:
- I am a professor, a member of the Academy of Sciences - and even then I do not get a hundred dollars for half an hour!
The plumber says:
- This is fine. When I was a professor, I didn't get that much either.

The hardest thing about writing a dissertation is not putting emojis after every good thought.

Who are you?
- I am a peaceful atom...
- And why with an axe?
- You see how little you know about the peaceful atom

by the most great proof existence intelligent life in the universe is the fact that so far no one has tried to contact us.

Night, darkness. Among the branches big tree light bulb shines. A very drunk man walks past a tree. He stops and looks at the tree.
- Well, Michurin, well, old man, I did not expect!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks: “How much do you have a drink?” The bartender replies: "You've had enough, you're already loaded."

Tachyon walks into a bar. The bartender to him: "Tachyons are not served!" "It's strange," says the tachyon, "but they were serving tomorrow."

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender turns around and says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases." Helium does not react.

Professor of Mathematics:
Yes, my friends, human life there are amazing coincidences ... If, for example, I multiply my date of birth by my phone number, and subtract the age of my mother-in-law squared from the product, then the remainder will be my house number.

A mathematician comes to a bakery, but he forgot the word “five”. Seller says:
- Give me more than four loaves, but less than six!

The journal "Chemistry and Life" began publishing recipes.

Meet Vasya. He studies red blood cells.
- Yes, I study erythrocytes, my father studied erythrocytes, my grandfather studied erythrocytes. You see, red blood cells are in our blood.

British scientists have invented a device with which you can easily pass through the walls, calling the invention the "door".

Einstein once wrote to Charlie Chaplin:
- your movie" Golden fever"is understood all over the world, and you will certainly become a great person.
To which Chaplin replied:
- I admire you even more. No one in the world understands your theory of relativity, and yet you have become a great man!...

Scientists Harvard University proved that white mice reproduce better if they are not interfered with by scientists at Harvard University.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says: “I want a glass of beer!” Second: "I'll have half a mug of beer!" Third: "I'll have a quarter of a beer!" Fourth: "I'll have 1/8 of a beer!" Bartender: "Wait a minute ... I know your tricks - you have two mugs of beer for everyone!"

Vice President of the Animal Welfare League, Professor Petrov, wrote in his will: "I leave all my suits and sweaters to the unfortunate moth persecuted by people ..."

Few people remember the laboratory assistant of Pierre and Marie Curie. Yes, she did not shine much ...

Rutherford liked to say that all sciences are divided into two groups - physics and stamp collecting.

Modern sellers not only do not know the multiplication table, but also do not know how to use a calculator, says the professor, having come home from the market.
How did you manage to make such a discovery? the wife asks.
- I asked to weigh 127.7 grams of sausage. By the way, they also don’t know how to throw calculators at moving targets ...

In Paradise, Archimedes, Pascal and Newton play hide and seek. Archimedes drives and begins to count. Pascal runs over the horizon, and Newton looks back, takes a stick, draws a square around him with a side of 1 meter and becomes inside the square. Archimedes finishes counting, opens his eyes and sees Newton:
- I see Newton!
- Eh, no! Newton per square meter is Pascal!

The idea of the theory of relativity came to A. Einstein during his student days, when he took friends from a fun feast, then he was taken ...

British scientists have found that mice go into a mousetrap not for free cheese, but for extreme sports.

The ingenious invention was made by domestic scientists. They created a cell phone with a TV, radio, DVD player, compass, electric razor, microwave oven, heater, vacuum cleaner, refrigerator and toilet. True, only the toilet works so far.

As D.I. Mendeleev liked to say, periodic table you can’t slurp elements into a glass ..

You can’t say anything, lucky the table with Mendeleev. And how many great discoveries do people dream of who don’t understand them?

Chemistry classes did not bring D.I. Mendeleev had sufficient income, so he made suitcases, but this did not bring him joy, and he decided to indulge in the invention of vodka along the way.

If Lomonosov had been born at the end of the 20th century, then he would not have had enough money even to get to the University, and even more so for tutors, and even more so for bribes admission committee. In general, only one funny surname would remain from him to his descendants ...

Scientists crossed a hedgehog and a woodpecker. Dolboezhik is still trying to climb a tree.

British scientists found that the number of tired legs doubled more quantity bad heads.

The Nobel Prize in Economics went to two Americans and an Englishman who offered to save money on Nobel Prize payments.

Astrology exact science Everything said in horoscopes will surely come true. Only it is not known when, where, with whom and what exactly.

At the station, a physicist, drunk in smoke, is standing and waiting for the train. A gypsy comes up to him: - Gild the pen, dear, I'll tell you everything you want!
The physicist takes out fifty dollars: - Tell me the half-life of radium!
The gypsy has eyes O_O!
And the physicist told her: - Well, you see, it didn’t work!, - and hides the money back in his pocket.

The eternal tragedy of science: ugly facts kill beautiful hypotheses.

Scientists have found new way reproduction - cloning. What didn't you like about the old one?

Two professors are resting on a park bench. One says:
- And yet the man is amazing strange creature.
- Why do you think so, colleague? - asks the interlocutor.
- It is enough to tell any of them that there are 9567432876932176978 stars in the sky, and he will believe. And it is worth writing: "Caution! Painted!", And he will definitely check with his finger.

Two physicists are sitting in a summer cafe already pretty tipsy. A pretty girl walks by. One says to the other:
- Look how interesting the atoms are grouped!

“Day 19. I finally found the professor's reflex. He writes something in his notebook every time I drool."
Pavlov's dog

The lecturer on the collective farm makes a speech:
- At present, some pessimistic elements catastrophically mystify pathological abstraction. From the point of view of a banal concept, this phenomenon is possible. What do you think, fellow collective farmers?
The collective farmer gets up, shakes the manure off his felt boots and answers:
- So it is so, because it cannot be, if something did not exist. And not because it is at all, but when it is what, then it is welcome!

Konstantin Knop

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer scientist prove the same theorem: all odd numbers greater than two are prime.

The mathematician says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. This is a counterexample, so the theorem is wrong."

Physicist, with pencil and paper: "3, 5 and 7 are prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime, etc."

Engineer, picking up a calculator: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is also prime..."

The programmer wrote a program and looks at the screen: "1 - simple, 1 - simple, 1 - simple, 1 - simple ... Yes, they are all simple!"

The best minds of mankind have gathered for a scientific conference. The question is discussed: "how much is twice two."

The engineer conjures with a tape measure and a slide rule, after which he confidently announces the result: "3.99". The physicist turned to the technical support service, set up a numerical experiment on a computer and reported: "between 3.98 and 4.02." The mathematician looked at the ceiling, thought and said that he did not know the exact answer, but he could prove that this answer exists. The logician asked for a more precise definition of what "twice two" is. The philosopher argued for half an hour that "twice two" can be understood in completely different ways. The hacker suggested hacking into the Pentagon's secret network and forcing all computers to solve the problem. Finally, the accountant said: "Close all the doors and windows, and now answer - how much do you want to receive?"

An engineer sat for three hours at a lecture by a mathematician on multidimensional spaces. At the end, very upset, he went up to the lecturer and said: "Excuse me, I would like to imagine the subject of your lecture at least a little. But I cannot imagine a sphere in nine-dimensional space!" "It's very simple," the mathematician answered him, "imagine a sphere in N-dimensional space, and then put N equal to nine."

A doctor, a lawyer and a scientist discuss whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: “Of course, it’s better to have a mistress. If you are married and your wife wants to divorce, everything will fall on your head existing problems". The doctor objects: "It is better to have a wife, because secret meetings with a mistress lead to stress and are bad for health." The scientist listened to them and says: "You are both wrong, you must have both a wife and a mistress. Then the wife will think that you are with her mistress, the mistress will think that you are with her wife, and you will have time to do science.

Three participants of one seminar stayed at a hotel. The engineer woke up at night and smelled a strong smell of burning. He went out into the corridor, saw a piece of smoldering carpet, tore off a foam fire extinguisher from the wall and pointed it at the carpet. When the fire died down, the engineer, with a sense of accomplishment, went to bed.

The physicist, who lives on another floor, also woke up from the smell of burning. Looking out into the corridor and seeing flames there, he returned to his room, calculated the rate of spread of fire, temperature, water pressure in the fire extinguisher, etc., after which he went out into the corridor and extinguished the fire for the least possible time, while spending the least required amount foam solution. After that, he also went to bed.

The mathematician woke up because the walls of his room crackled in flames. He looked out into the corridor, saw a hanging fire extinguisher, exclaimed: "There is a solution to the problem!" - and went to bed.

One mathematician asked a colleague known for his religious beliefs: "Do you believe in one and all-powerful God?" "No, of course not, but all Gods are isomorphic," he replied.

A biologist, statistician, mathematician and programmer went to Africa for a photo hunt. During one of the stops, they saw a herd of zebras on the horizon.

Biologist: "Look! There, in the center, a white zebra! This is a discovery! There are white zebras !!!" Statistician: "This is not a meaningful sample. We only know that there is one white zebra." Mathematician: "In fact, we only know that there is a zebra, which has one side - white." Programmer: "Come on, it's a degenerate special case!"

The father of cybernetics, Norbert Wiener, was famous for his extreme forgetfulness. When his family moved to a new apartment, his wife put a piece of paper in his wallet on which she wrote down their new address - she perfectly understood that otherwise her husband would not be able to find his way home. Nevertheless, on the very first day when another wonderful idea came to his mind at work, he reached into his wallet, took out a piece of paper with an address, wrote several formulas on its back, realized that the idea was wrong and threw the piece into the trash.

In the evening, as if nothing had happened, he went to his former address. When it turned out that no one lived in the old house, he went out into the street in complete confusion ... Suddenly it dawned on him, he approached a girl who was standing nearby and said: “Sorry, maybe you remember me. I am Professor Wiener, and my family recently moved from here. Could you tell me where exactly?" The girl listened to him very carefully and answered: "Yes, dad, mom thought you would forget it."

The geek and his wife went to the supermarket. Having made all the necessary purchases, they went outside, and the wife said: "Stay here and keep an eye on these ten bags while I go and find a taxi." When the wife returned, she saw a stunned husband, rearranging the bags from place to place: "You said that there were ten bags, but I only counted 9!" - "But there were ten of them!" - "No, let's count together: 0, 1, 2..."

Theorem: All natural numbers are equal to each other.

Proof: It is necessary to prove that for any two natural numbers A and B have the equality A=B. Let's reformulate it in the following way: for any N>0 and any A and B satisfying the equality max(A,B)=N, the equality A=B must also hold.

Let's prove it by induction. If N=1, then A and B, being natural, are both equal to 1. Therefore, A=B.

Assume that the assertion is proved for some value of k. Let's take A and B such that max(A,B)=k+1. Then max(A–1,B–1)=k. By the inductive hypothesis, this implies that (A–1)=(B–1). So A=B.

Despite the seriousness of their profession, mathematicians, physicists, mathematicians and other scientists, like all people, like to joke. Many people think that smart people do not have a sense of humor, but in fact, the jokes of scientists are simply not for everyone to understand, because they are certainly related to their specialization. We present you a selection funny pictures and phrases that will be laughed at by those who have devoted their lives to science.

A moment of humor for scientists: jokes of people who have devoted their lives to science

Chemists

“Caution! Wet floor"

Physicists

- How to measure the heroic strength?

- We need to multiply the mass by the accelerator!

Somehow the pressure of one bar goes into one bar ...

"I'm irresistible!" shouted the vertically polarized electromagnetic wave falling at the Brewster angle onto a horizontal glass surface.

Physicists have a tradition: every 13 billion years they get together and build the Large Hadron Collider.

A physicist walks into a bar, takes out a neutron, and everyone is like this:
- Hey, what do you have? Neutron?
To which the physicist replies:
- Calm down, it's not loaded.

genetics

Yes, this is garbage, your genetically modified potatoes!
- Quiet you. If he hears more - he will be offended! ..

Mathematicians

People are divided into two types:
Type 1 - people who do not know what a fractal is.
Type 2 - people who know that people are divided into two types.

Only an illiterate person to the question "How to find Lenin Square?" answers: "Length of Lenin multiplied by the width of Lenin." A literate person knows that it is necessary to take the integral over the surface.

Mathematics and physics were given two tasks to solve:
Task 1. Given a tap with water, a stove, an empty kettle. You have to boil the water.
Physicist's solution: pour water into the kettle, turn on the stove, put the kettle on the stove, wait.
Mathematician's solution: similar.
Task 2. A faucet with water, a stove, a full kettle are given. You have to boil the water.
Physicist's solution: turn on the stove, put the kettle on the stove, wait.
Mathematician's solution: pour water from the kettle, and thereby reduce the problem to the previous one, already solved.

Programmers

An optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The programmer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

If Rammstein were doing programming instead of music.

There are only 10 types of people: those who understand the binary number system, and those who do not.

Biologists

Psychologists

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Two. One will screw in the light bulb, and the other will hold the penis... Oh, that is the father... Oh, that is the ladder.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
- One is enough if the light bulb is ready to change.

About all

Physicist, mathematician and engineer stand in the field. Each was given the same number fence boards and told to fence in as many sheep as possible.
The engineer built a small but sturdy pen in the shape of a square.
The physicist built a pen in the shape of a circle, claiming that such a shape could accommodate more sheep.
The mathematician built a fence in a circle, sat down in the center himself, declaring:
- We accept that I am outside.

The billionaire decided to develop a method to find out who would win at the races. He called a biologist, mathematician and physicist, gave a task, a million dollars and a year of time. A year later, a biologist comes:
- Well, knowing the exact pedigree of the horse, the success of her parents, what she was fed, how she was treated, I can accurately name top speed.
Mathematician:
“Having the exact statistics of the previous races of these horses, I can give the approximate results of this ...
Physicist:
- I need another ten years, fifty million dollars, a few assistants and a laboratory, but I have already built a model of the movement of a perfectly elastic spherical horse in a vacuum!

Conduct a survival experiment. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are placed in locked rooms. Before everyone closed chest with food.

A couple of weeks later, an engineer's room is opened. The chest is open, the engineer is full, satisfied with life. Shows a nail - Here, he bent a master key from a nail, opened the lock.

They go to physics. The chest is smashed to pieces, the physicist is full, satisfied. Shows a sheet with calculations: - Here I calculated where the chest weakness, knocked, and he crumbled.

They go to math. The chest is closed, the floor, the walls, everything is covered with formulas. An angry, emaciated mathematician is sitting on the floor: - So, let's try to go from the opposite. Suppose the chest is open...

The question was simultaneously asked to physics and mathematics: “In parallel. Antonym?"
Physicist: "Consistently."
Mathematician: "Perpendicular."

scientific joke № 1

Schrödinger walked around the room in search of a kitten that had shit, and he was sitting in a box, neither alive nor dead.

Science Joke #2

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders one beer. The second - half a mug, the third - a quarter.
The bartender replies:
- That's stupid!
...and pours two mugs.

Science Joke #3

A mathematician and an engineer take part in a psychological experiment.
They were put in one side of the room and they are waiting, not suspecting what will happen next.
The door opens and a naked woman enters the room and stands away from them. Subjects are warned that every time they hear a signal, they can cross half the distance to the woman.
Immediately they hear a signal, the engineer overcomes half the distance with one jump, and the mathematician, with a bored look, remains to sit. When, even after the second signal, the mathematician did not move, the engineer asked why he was not running.
- That's because I know I'll never reach a woman.
The engineer answered the same question as follows:
- Because I know that very soon I will be close enough for any practical application!

Science Joke #4

Physicist, mathematician and engineer stand in the field. Each was given the same number of fence boards and told to fence in as many sheep as possible.
The engineer built a small but sturdy pen in the shape of a square.
The physicist built a pen in the shape of a circle, claiming that such a shape could accommodate more sheep.
The mathematician built a fence in a circle, sat down in the center himself, declaring:
- We accept that I am outside.

Science Joke #5

An optimist, a pessimist, and an engineer are sitting in a bar with a mug half-full of beer next to them.
“The glass is half full,” says the optimist.
- The glass is half empty - says the pessimist.
- You are both wrong - says the engineer - The glass is twice as large as necessary.
- Nothing like that, glass right size with a safety factor of two, an experienced engineer tells them.

Science Joke #6

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are drinking coffee on the patio when they notice that two people have entered the house on the other side of the street.
After a while, three people left the house.
Biologist: Two mated, bred, and three left the house.
Engineer: No, it's just that our original observation is wrong!
Mathematician: You are both wrong. You need to wait until another person enters the house and then it will be empty again.

Science Joke #7

Einstein, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein counts, while Pascal and Newton must hide. Pascal runs away and successfully hides, but Newton is not going to run anywhere. Instead, he draws a square around himself on the ground. Eintstein opens his eyes and says
- Newton, how easy it was to find you!
- Nothing of the kind - he answers - You found Pascal! Pay attention to the earth - one Newton squared!

Science Joke #8

The electron is braked for exceeding. The policeman comes to the car and says:
- Sir, do you know how fast you were moving?
- No, but I know exactly where I am!

Science Joke #9

Schrödinger and Heisenberg drive down the highway to the conference, Schrödinger driving.
Suddenly there is a blow and he stops the car.
Heisenberg looks down the road:
- My God, it looks like I hit a cat!
- He died?
- I can not say exactly.

Science Joke #10

Physicist, engineer and mathematician take part in the experiment. Everyone is locked in a room with a can of beans.
Three days later, the researchers take turns opening the doors.

In the first room, they find a pleased physicist covering the floor and walls with formulas. The tin can is neatly opened. When asked how he did it, he replies:
- Oh, I just put a load on the stress points.

There is an engineer in the next room, he is sitting in the corner, and next to him is a broken can. When asked how he opened it, he answers:
- I worked it to the point of failure.

Finally, the third door is opened.
There, a mathematician sits on the floor, hugs a jar, sways back and forth and mutters:
- "Suppose the jar is open, suppose the jar is open, suppose the jar is open"

Science Joke #11

Descartes is sitting in a bar. Bartender:
- One more, Rene?
"I don't think so," he replies and SLAM! disappears.

Science Joke #12

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two. One will screw in the light bulb and the other will hold the penis. Oh, i.e. I meant stairs.

Science Joke #13

Mathematician wife:
- What you have me compact!
- Small and fragile?
- No, closed and limited.

Science Joke #14

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg looks around and says, “Since there are three of us here, and since this is a bar, this must be a joke. However, one question remains - is it funny or not?
Gödel thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, since we're inside the joke, we can't tell if it's funny or not. To understand this, we need to look at it from the outside.”
Chomsky looks at them and says, “Of course he's funny. You're just misrepresenting it."

Science Joke #15

Two mathematicians in a restaurant had an argument about how well most people know math.
One (a pessimist) claimed that the majority did not know her at all, and the other (an optimist) - that, although not much, they did know.
When the pessimist went to the toilet, the optimist called a pretty blonde waitress and said:

When my colleague returns, I will ask you a question. The point is not important. All you have to do is say "Three x cube".
- How how? Third stingy? - asks the waitress?
- No, Third X Cube, Do you understand?
- Ah! Third is stingy? the waitress repeats.
- Yes Yes. That's all I ask of you.

The waitress leaves, repeating to herself the phrase "Tretik is stingy." Here comes the pessimist.
The optimist says - let's ask our waitress what some simple integral is equal to.
The pessimist agrees with a laugh. The optimist calls the waitress and asks:
- Excuse me, do you happen to remember what equals the integral from x^2 to dx?
- A third x cube ... - the waitress readily answers.
The pessimist is greatly surprised, the optimist laughs merrily.
The waitress takes a few steps back and, looking over her shoulder, adds:
- Plus a constant.

Science Joke #16

First Law of Economists:
For every economist there is one who completely agrees with him, and one who completely disagrees with him.
Second Law of Economists:
They are both wrong.

Science Joke #17

Two Jewish photons are flying:
- Abram, what is your polarization?
- And what?

Science Joke #18

Go physicist and mathematician in the woods.
Suddenly they see a bear.
Mathematician:
- His speed is such and such, ours is such and such, it is useless to run away, he will catch up anyway.
Physicist fleeing at full speed:
- His volume of the stomach is such and such, the volume of a person is such and such, one is enough for him !!!

Science Joke #19

Given: a room where a fire is burning, threatening to turn into a fire, and there is a pile of sand nearby.
Engineer: enters the room, fills the fire with sand, leaves.
Physicist: enters the room, spreads sand around the fire, sits down and observes the process.
Mathematician: enters the room, sees that there is a solution, and leaves.

Science Joke #20

So, dear students, the alcohol contained in one mug of beer kills 10 6 brain cells
- Professor, how many cells are there?
- 10 12 .
- So, two mugs of beer and all?

Science Joke #21

Dispute between Landau and Lysenko: Is it true that heredity can be controlled in your way?
- Absolutely.
- And do you really believe that if, for example, a horse's legs are cut off, then in the end legless horses will be born?
- Yes, everything is scientifically proven and beyond doubt.
- Then, dear comrade. Lysenko, how do you explain the fact that virgins still exist in the world?

Jokes about scientists and science

At scientists have found a gene that is responsible for the desire of scientists to find genes

H Finally, scientists have discovered the secret of hedgehog longevity. It turns out there is no secret. And yes, they don't last long...

E Einstein once wrote to Charlie Chaplin:
- Your film "Gold Rush" is understood all over the world, and you will certainly become a great person.
To which Chaplin replied:
- I admire you even more. No one in the world understands your theory of relativity, and yet you have become a great man!...

E Einstein was very casual about his clothes - he walked in the only old jacket. After moving to the States, he received a remark from employees:
- You are a world celebrity, and you walk in rags!
- No one here knows me anyway...
Six months have passed.
- You are a world celebrity, but you continue to walk in rags!
- All the same, everyone here already knows me ..

At The researcher, looking up from the microscope, sadly asks his colleagues:
- Gentlemen, no one knows the antonym for the word "eureka"?

To once a crazy psychologist lured a physicist, chemist and mathematician to him: he wanted to conduct some kind of experiment; but locked them in different cells and forgot about them. He himself went somewhere, but left them no grub. But suddenly he remembered them and returned. He went up to the chemist's chamber and saw: the whole door was torn open by the explosion and there was no chemist. It turned out that he made explosives out of shit, blew up the door and ran away. He went up to the physicist's chamber: it was locked. Opened it up and it's empty. It turns out that a physicist out of hunger has figured out how to closed door pass the. He opened the chamber with the mathematician. He sees a dead mathematician lying on the floor, and on the wall it is written in blood:
THEOREM: If I don't get out of here, I'll die.
PROOF: Assume the contrary..

E a biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are walking across Australia. And they see: a black sheep is grazing in the meadow.
Biologist: Look, black sheep live in Australia.
Physicist: No, Australia has at least one black sheep.
Mathematician: No, gentlemen. Australia has at least one sheep that is black on at least one side.

H Obel Prize (nomination "For the will to win"). Awarded to a group of Ural physicists who managed to get to Stockholm without a ticket and money, in freight cars - but in tuxedos, although barefoot and drunk ...

- FROM Modern sellers not only do not know the multiplication table, but they also do not know how to use a calculator, - says the professor, having come home from the market.
How did you manage to make such a discovery? the wife asks.
- I asked to weigh 127.7 grams of sausage. By the way, they also don’t know how to throw calculators at moving targets ...

At scientists managed to prove .. that it was not they who rode around the city center drunk on a tractor yesterday ...

O he said a new word in science: he canceled the banquet after defending his dissertation.

FROM chemist, physicist and specialist in artificial intelligence what the greatest invention.
Chemist:
- Periodic table.
Physicist:
- The theory of relativity.
Artificial Intelligence Specialist:
- THERMOS.
Chemist and physicist:
- Chevo???
- Duc this one, look: pour cold water,
pour out - again cold. So?
- Yes. Well and...?
- We pour hot, pour out - hot again. So?
- Well?
- AND HOW DOES HE KNOW?

To As you know, the Moon is constantly moving away from the Earth. Moldovan scientists decided to calculate the motion of the moon in reverse order and concluded that 70 million years ago, the distance from the Earth to the Moon was only 10 meters. This discovery, according to Moldovan scientists, sheds light on the reason for the extinction of dinosaurs and proves that the tallest of them were the first to die out.

- TO What title is higher than academician?
- Marasmatic.

T Mendeleev's table was first dreamed of by A.S. Pushkin - he just didn’t understand anything.

R Russian scientists came up with fundamentally the new kind weapons of mass destruction: a cast-iron bomb, the radius of destruction of which equal to the radius bombs.

AT The Institute of Applied Physics of the Russian Academy of Sciences theoretically proved that a liter of vodka spilled on the floor occupies an area equal to one square meter and is actually a square liter. Conduct practical experiments with scientists until the hand rises.

P after a row successful experiments After cloning sheep, scientists began cloning humans. However, it still turns out a sheep ...

- H I haven't seen you for a long time, you bastard! - said one microbiologist, looking into the microscope.

F A physicist, mathematician, and biologist were tasked with developing a method for a clear victory at the races. They gave me a million dollars and six months for research. After half a year they demand to report back.
The biologist speaks first: - I have developed a method for breeding new breeds of horses, worked out a diet, training regimen and doping that cannot be detected by modern methods.
A mathematician comes out: - I was collecting statistics and found a method that allows you to determine with a probability of 95% which horse will bring victory.
The physicist comes out: - For half a year I studied the kinematics of a spherical horse in a vacuum, now I need another two million, a laboratory, a laboratory assistant and a herd of horses for field experiments.
Sociology is an exact science: how much you pay, so much you get.

- FROM sensation: Chukchi scientists discovered...
- No need to "discovered", just: a sensation - Chukchi scientists.

At Scientists have invented a new atomic weapon. After testing at the conference, correspondents ask:
- Tell me, according to your estimates, what was the power of the explosion?
— From 10 to 100 kilotons.
Why is there such a wide range of estimates?
- Well, at first we thought - 10 kilotons, but it's like booming !!!

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