Chapman's book Five Love Languages ​​tells readers in detail about these languages ​​(and their dialects), helps to determine what your primary love language is and your partner's love language. The book Five Love Languages ​​contains examples from the author's practice and contains a number of exercises and assignments.

Gary Chapman - About the Author

Gary Chapman - Baptist pastor North Carolina. Gary is also a relationship consultant. Chapman also hosts his own radio show, which helps people who are married with relationships.

The Five Love Languages ​​- Book Review

Love language #1. Words of approval

One way to express love is to use words of encouragement. Verbal compliments or words of approval are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple and uncomplicated phrases of support, such as: You look great! This dress really suits you!”
I'm glad you washed the dishes after dinner.

Compliments, words of encouragement and requests increase your partner's self-esteem. They create a sense of closeness and bring out the potential of your significant other. Having received words of approval, we want to do something nice in return.

Love language #2: Quality time together

Quality time is the period when you give the person your undivided attention. To communicate qualitatively is to sit on the couch with the TV turned off, looking at each other, and communicate, giving your partner all your attention undividedly. This means going for a walk as a couple or having dinner at a restaurant where you will look at each other and talk instead of checking your phone.

When we do the same thing, we signal to each other that we care about each other, that we enjoy being alone and that we enjoy doing things together.

Quality time is the attention given to someone undividedly.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than anyone else. There are gifts different sizes, colors and shapes. They can be both expensive and free. For a person whose primary language is the language of receiving gifts, the monetary value of the gift does not matter much.

The dialect of the language of gifts is the gift of physical presence: in difficult times, it is important that you are there, dropping everything. An intangible gift is sometimes more important than one that can be held in your hands.

Love Language #4: Acts of Service

Acts of service mean doing things that will please your partner. Activities such as preparing dinner, setting the table, cleaning the carpet, cleaning the closet, cleaning the mirror, taking out the trash, changing diapers, painting the room, dusting the shelves, cleaning the garage, caring for the cat, and changing the water in the aquarium are acts of service. . They require planning, time, effort and energy, and if they are pure heart are an undeniable expression of love.

IN family life a lot of problems arise from the delusion that after marriage we should no longer behave the way we did during the dating period.

Love language #5 Physical touch

It has long been known that physical touch is one way of conveying emotional love. Numerous studies in the field of child development have concluded that young children who were carried, hugged and kissed were emotionally healthier than those who were for a long time deprived physical contact. Physical touch is also a powerful way to convey love in marriage: you show love when you hold hands, hug, kiss, and make love. For many people, physical touch is the primary language of love, otherwise they don't feel emotionally fulfilled.
Physical touch can both maintain and destroy relationships.

Conclusion

Each of us needs love. When a person's "emotional vessel" is empty, he is not only unhappy in his personal life. Many tend to identify love with being in love, but this is a road to nowhere: falling in love lasts no more than two years and does not depend on our desire, does not require discipline and effort, and is not aimed at growth and development. True mature love, which is the key to a strong marriage, implies a conscious desire to make efforts to ensure that the loved one is happy.
It is very important to understand what love language is the main one for you and your partner. There are only five of them: words of approval, quality time receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
To determine your primary love language, you should answer next questions: What makes you feel the love of your spouse the most? What do you want more than anything in the world? What is something your partner does or says that hurts you the most? Then ask yourself: “What did I require (required) most often from my spouse (spouse)?” Finally, consider the ways you most often express your love. Perhaps in this way you show what you would like to receive yourself.
The theory of the five love languages ​​applies to children as well. The sooner you identify your child's primary love language, the more harmonious your relationship will be.
Gary Chapman is confident that information about the five love languages ​​can help thousands of families survive the crisis and become happier.

Hello, friends!

Today I would like to tell you about one interesting book which I recently read. This is Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages. This book will be useful to almost every person, because each of us has those whom we love. And our relationship with our loved ones will depend on how faithfully we will be able to express and show this love.

The author of the book is Gary Chapman, Ph.D., family and marriage counselor. And the main idea of ​​his book is that all the problems in families, when mutual understanding and love disappear, come from what people say in different languages love. They just don't understand each other.

What are these five love languages?

Chapman identified five love languages, that is, five ways in which people express their love to each other. What are these languages?

• words of encouragement;
• time;
• present;
• help;
• touch.

Let's take a closer look at each of them.

Language 1 - "Words of Encouragement"

Words of encouragement, as well as praise, are nice to hear addressed to each of us. People like to be praised and noticed even their small achievements. But there are people for whom words of encouragement are most important. Because it is their love language.

These people express their love with words of encouragement, praise, encouragement. Such a person will certainly tell the one he loves, pleasant words. And the same will be expected in return as a confirmation of reciprocal love. But if his wife or lover has a different love language, she may not be aware that her husband needs just verbal encouragement.

That's when misunderstanding and resentment arise. It seems to the husband that the wife does not love him, because she does not express her love for him in the language that he himself speaks. But his wife loves him, it's just that her love language is different. For example, time.

Language 2 - "Time"

For a person whose love language is time, it is extremely important to spend with his
chosen one together time. At the same time, it is very important that they devote this time directly to each other - communicate, talk, look at each other. If spouses, for example, just watch TV together, they don't spend time together. Yes, they are close, but not together. This is a very important point.

By the way, in some families, children suffer from the fact that parents do not give them time. If your child's love language is time, then he just needs you to communicate with him, listen to him, talk, go somewhere together, etc. But many parents are unaware of this. It seems to them that they provide for all the needs of the child - feed him, clothe him, buy everything he needs, and this should show the child that he is loved by them. But they speak different love languages. And most often such a child is completely unsure of the love of his parents.

Or, for example, a wife feels unhappy because her husband does not give her time at all. He is busy at work, providing for his family. He buys his wife everything she wants. But she believes that he stopped loving her, because they do not spend time together at all.

At the same time, the husband is absolutely sure that he more than obviously demonstrates love to his wife. After all, he always gives her something! Yes, this man's love language is gifts.

Language 3 - "Gifts"

People for whom this love language is the main love to give and receive gifts. At the same time, it does not matter to them whether the gift is expensive or not. The very fact of the gift is important. A gift for such people is a symbol of love. Gary Chapman says it's the most easy language love.

By the way, you can easily determine whether this love language is the main one for your child. If your child constantly gives you something (his drawings, a flower plucked in the garden, a beautiful pebble found on the road, crafts, etc.), then his love language is gifts. And this also means that he will appreciate your gifts to him and perceive them as an indicator that you love him.

But it also happens that when you shower your loved one with gifts, you can’t prove your love to him in any way. All your gifts are perceived as "unsubscribe". Why? Because your spouse speaks a different language. And it is very possible that this love language is a help.

Language 4 - "Help"

Helping means doing something for a loved one. This is just very It's clear. However, there is one nuance that must be taken into account so that the person to whom you want to express love through help understands you.

Let's take a simple example. A man earns much more than his wife. And he periodically gives her the necessary amounts for what she does not have enough of her money for. He is quite sincerely sure that he is helping his wife. And I think he would be immensely surprised if he knew that she did not think so.

His wife is sure that the fact that her husband provides her financially is normal and natural, and she does not consider this help on his part. But the fact that he never helps her cook dinner or wash the dishes makes her negative emotions. She thinks that her husband is indifferent to her.

Do you understand what nuance I'm talking about? That's right - your help should be perceived by your loved one as help. Therefore, try to do what your chosen one will appreciate and understand.

In the meantime, we'll talk about the fifth love language - about touch.

Language 5 - "Touch"

If your spouse's or child's love language is touch, know that it's very important for them to receive it all the time. Hugs, kisses, pats on the head, etc. - all this is an indicator of your love for him. If you do not give him all this, he begins to doubt your love.

It often happens that during the period of falling in love and courtship, people hold hands, try to snuggle up to each other even for a moment, hug. Then, when they get married and time passes, one of the spouses begins to think that the other has stopped loving him. Why? Because touches are gradually disappearing. The romance of falling in love goes away and the husband (for example) ceases to express his love in this way. It seems to him that his feelings are already so obvious - after all, he tells his wife about love, helps her, or somehow expresses his love.

But if his wife's love language is touch, then that's what she expects from her husband. And when he doesn’t get it, he thinks that he has fallen out of love with her.

It is important to learn the love language of your chosen one!

I hope, my friends, you have already understood how important it is to know and understand what language of love your loved one speaks. It's like in life - if you speak Russian, and your interlocutor speaks Spanish, then you are unlikely to be able to conduct a productive dialogue. The same is true in love. You speak the language of gifts, and your spouse is waiting for your help or words of approval.

Mastering someone else's love language is not very easy. However, the result is worth the effort. Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages" is replete with examples from the life of married couples who were on the verge of breaking up, but were able not only to save the marriage, but to revive and strengthen love! And the knowledge of the language of love, which their chosen one speaks, helped them in this.

I highly recommend that you read this book. It is not only useful, it is also very interesting, well written and easy to read. But most importantly, it contains very valuable information, which can open completely new facets of your relationship with your loved ones!

Your Catherine :)

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Title: Five Love Languages
Author: Gary Chapman
Year: 1995
Genre: Religion, Foreign esoteric and religious literature, family psychology

About The Five Love Languages ​​by Gary Chapman

Everyone can fall in love without memory by wearing bright pink glasses. And how about transforming the butterflies in the stomach, this very love, in a real mature feeling - Love? Here one game of hormones will not be enough. Love it whole science, and to master its skill, you need to work, first of all, on yourself. And how often do we blame our partner for our unhappiness? Maybe we ourselves are doing something wrong? Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages ​​will open your eyes to many things.

You can download the book "Five Love Languages" at the bottom of the page in rtf, epub, fb2, txt format.

So, first and foremost, love is not chemical reaction. What makes us just flutter with happiness in the first months of a relationship is nothing more than falling in love. And, as you know, it is not eternal, and lasts a maximum of two years. And why do we, poor people, change partners every few years? It's not so sweet to be aware of the fact that our rose-colored glasses gradually fade, and then completely become transparent. And now it's time to learn be in love.

Gary Chapman offers five love languages ​​- encouragement, help, time, gifts and touch. Yes, for the manifestation of feelings, they are all good, but a person, as a rule, appreciates one thing most of all. For example, a woman is grateful to her husband for helping her - just like that, according to own will. She feels that he loves her, cares about her. If, instead of helping, he made a gift, brought a bouquet of flowers, while leaving the woman with all household chores, she would hardly be so grateful.

The key is that each of us has something in priority - either words of encouragement, or touch, or time. But this does not mean that if help is important to us, then the partner is also important. It is very important to understand that our love languages ​​can be completely different. And in order for everyone to feel happy, it is worth learning the partner’s language and learning how to express your love in it.

Gary Chapman gives many examples of how these laws work in practice. He also shows that even "dead" relationships can be healed with the right approach. I think The Five Love Languages ​​is a book everyone should read because it is always relevant. Perhaps its only drawback is that information is forgotten over time, so it’s worth making notes or short summary to always remember what is really important.

On our site about books site you can download for free or read online book"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman epub formats, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot pleasant moments and a real pleasure to read. Buy full version you can have our partner. Also, here you will find last news from literary world, find out the biography of your favorite authors. For beginner writers there is a separate section with useful tips and recommendations interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary skills.

Quotes from The Five Love Languages ​​by Gary Chapman

If we have any purpose in falling in love, it is to escape loneliness and perhaps end it forever by marriage.

How nice it is to live in a house where everyone knows how to express their love to another.

When I am loved, I no longer need to think about myself endlessly. After all, I'm sure of myself. I am free and can do something else.

Almost everything that is written about love confirms: to love means to give. Speaking any of the five languages, we give something to the spouse.

Caroline, Shelley and Derek

The translation is made according to the edition:

G. Chapman

"The Five Love Languages"

Northfield Publishing,

Chicago, 1995

Bible quotes are given according to the Synodal translation

Edition 18th

© Gary D. Chapman 1992, 1995

© James S. Bell Jr., A Guide to Family and Group Discussion, 1995

© Translation into Russian, artistic design. "Bible for All", 1999

Gratitude

We learn love, first of all, in the family. My family is my dad and mom, Sam and Grace, who have loved me for over fifty years. If not for them, perhaps now I would not write about love, but I myself was hopelessly looking for it. The family is my wife Caroline, with whom we have been living for thirty years. If all women knew how to love like that, husbands would not look at others. Our children, Shelly and Derek, have already left the parental nest, they have their own lives, but I know they love me. I am happy and grateful to all of them.

I am grateful to the professionals whose theories have helped me in my work. Among them are psychiatrists Ross Campbell, Judd son Swihart and Scott Peck.

And finally, the most important. I want to thank the people I met in my twenty years of work and who shared with me the most intimate. Without them, this book would not exist.

What happens to love after marriage?

At 30,000 feet, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, he put down his magazine and turned to me and asked:

- What do you do?

“I'm a marriage counselor, I teach seminars.

“Then maybe you can answer me. I have long wanted to know: what happens to love after marriage?

I realized that I couldn’t take a nap: “What are you talking about?”

“I have been married three times,” he said. - And every time the same thing: everything is fine until we get married. I love her, she loves me. And it seems that here she is - real love. And after the wedding ... it seems to evaporate. I do not consider myself stupid, I have achieved success in business, but I do not understand this.

- And how long did your family life last?

- The first marriage - about ten years, we lived with the second wife for three years, with the last - almost six.

- And what, love disappeared immediately after the wedding?

“The second time things didn’t work out right from the start. I do not know why. I thought we loved each other. But already during the honeymoon, a nightmare began, from which we never woke up. Before the wedding, I met with her only six months. It was a fast paced romance. Something incredible! And then - the war.

My first wife and I lived well for three or four years. Then a child appeared, and she no longer thought about anything else. I just didn't notice. As if this child was all she wanted from me. He was born, and I was no longer needed.

Have you tried talking to her?

- Certainly. She replied that I was crazy, that I did not understand how hard it was for her with the baby. She said that I should help her. I tried but nothing changed. We moved away more and more and soon completely cooled off towards each other. Love is gone. We realized that the marriage failed.

The third wife ... I thought it would be different with her. I was divorced for three years, and we dated for two of them. I thought we tested the feelings. It seemed to me, for the first time, I understand what it means to love someone. And she really loved me, I felt.

I don't think I've changed since getting married. I still loved her and tried to make her see it.

I said how beautiful she is, how I love her, how proud of her. But after a few months, the cavils began. First, on trifles: I didn’t take out the trash, I didn’t put my clothes away. Then she switched to my character. She said that I could not be trusted, that I was deceiving her. She criticized everything. When I met her, she was the most complaisant woman in the world. This is what attracted me. She was always happy with everything, I was wonderful. We got married, and it turned out that I was doing everything wrong. Honestly, I don't know what happened. In the end, I became annoyed ... and fell out of love with her. Yes, and so does she. Staying together was pointless, and we broke up.

It was a year ago. Why does love disappear after marriage? Is it like that with everyone? Maybe that's why there are so many divorces? I can't believe this has happened to me three times already. And those who do not get divorced live with emptiness in their hearts, or do they really somehow keep love? If so, how?

The questions that my neighbor on the plane asked are tormenting many today: both married and divorced. Some turn to friends, others to psychologists, to priests, someone closes in on himself. Sometimes they answer us in professional jargon, which is almost impossible to understand, sometimes they try to console us with a joke. Of course, there is some truth in the joke, but it will help you in the same way that aspirin helps a cancer patient.

And we want so much that romance does not die after the wedding. This need is so deep within us. There are articles on this topic in almost every magazine. This issue is discussed in TV and radio programs.

A lot of books have been written. Because the problem is really serious.

So, at our disposal - books, magazines, help of specialists. But why did only a few discover the secret of a happy family life? We attend seminars, listen good advice, but why, when we return home, we find that we are not able to follow them? We read an article in a magazine: “101 ways to show your spouse that you love him”, we choose among them two or three of the most suitable ones, as it seems to us, but for some reason our companion does not notice anything. We declare the remaining 98 worthless and live as before.

In love, you need to explain yourself in the language of the one you love.

The purpose of my book is to answer these questions. Not at all because the books and articles written before cannot help. We just overlooked the most important thing: people speak different love languages.

Linguistics distinguishes many languages: Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us speak the language of our parents since childhood, we learned it, it has become our main, native language. Then we can master others, although it usually takes much more strength. And yet we understand better native language and speak it more freely. However, the longer we study a foreign language, the easier it seems to us. If we do not know foreign languages ​​and meet a foreigner, we have a hard time. To express the simplest thought, we gesticulate, draw pictures, play whole pantomimes. We can communicate, but how clumsily! Differences in languages ​​are an integral part of human culture. And if we want borders not to prevent us from understanding each other, we must learn foreign languages.

It's the same with emotions. The language in which you express love can be different from the language of your spouse, like English from Chinese. It is useless to declare your love to him in English if he only understands Chinese. You will never learn to love each other. With my third wife, my companion tried to speak in the language of “words of encouragement”: “I said how beautiful she is, how I love her, how proud of her.” He expressed his love, and sincerely. But she did not know this language. Maybe she was looking for signs of love in his behavior and did not see them. It's not enough to just be sincere. In love, you need to explain yourself in the language of the one you love.

For twenty years I have been working with couples, and this is what I came to the conclusion: there are five main love languages ​​- five ways in which people express love. From a linguistic point of view, any language can have dialects. They can be in the language of love. That's why there are articles with such headings: "10 ways to show your spouse that you love her", "20 ways to keep your husband at home" or "365 expressions of marital love." In my opinion, there are only five main languages, and the rest are dialects. How you declare your love depends only on your imagination. It is important to do this in the language of your companion.

Translation by N. Budina

Gary Champen, PhD, works

with married couples, conducts seminars

How to express love to your companion?

Did you and your spouse get along?

Love can be expressed in different ways. Dr. Gary Champen states that there are five love languages:

Words of encouragement - Time - Gifts - Help - Touch

You try to show your spouse that you love him, but he seems not to notice anything. Maybe you just speak different languages? Perhaps your husband wants you to sympathize with him, but instead cook a delicious dinner. Perhaps your wife wants to spend more time with you, but she does not need the luxurious bouquets that you present every evening.

At the end of the book, you will find a discussion guide to help you better understand what you have read. Before you even notice, you will learn to understand the language of another, express love to him, and soon you will feel that you are loved too.

Caroline, Shelley and Derek

Quotes from the Bible are given according to the synodal translation

Gratitude

Chapter 1. What happens to love after marriage?

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4. Love Language 1: Words of Encouragement

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Families and Group Discussion Guide

Gratitude

We learn love, first of all, in the family. My family is my dad and mom, Sam and Grace, who have loved me for over fifty years. If not for them, perhaps now I would not write about love, but I myself was hopelessly looking for it. The family is my wife Caroline, with whom we have been living for thirty years. If all women knew how to love like that, husbands would not look at others. Our children, Shelly and Derek, have already left the parental nest, they have their own lives, but I know they love me. I am happy and grateful to all of them.

I am grateful to the professionals whose theories have helped me in my work.

Among them are psychiatrists Ross Campbell, Judson Swihart and Scott Peck.

And finally, the most important. I want to thank the people I met in my twenty years of work and who shared with me the most intimate. Without them, this book would not exist.

WHAT HAPPENS TO LOVE AFTER THE WEDDING?

At 30,000 feet, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, he put down his magazine and turned to me and asked:

What do you do?

I'm a marriage counselor, I teach seminars.

Then maybe you can answer me. I have long wanted to know: what happens to love after marriage?

I realized that it would not be possible to take a nap: "What are you talking about?"

I have been married three times,” he said. - And every time the same thing: everything is fine until we get married. I love her, she loves me. And it seems that this is true love. And after the wedding ... it seems to evaporate. I do not consider myself stupid, I have achieved success in business, but I do not understand this.

And how long did your married life last?

The first marriage - about ten years, we lived with the second wife for three years, with the last - almost six.

And what, love disappeared immediately after the wedding?

The second time things didn't work out right from the start. I do not know why. I thought we loved each other. But already during the honeymoon, a nightmare began, from which we never woke up. Before the wedding, I met with her only six months. It was a fast paced romance. Something incredible! And then - the war.

My first wife and I lived well for three or four years. Then a child appeared, and she no longer thought about anything else. I just didn't notice. Like this baby is all she wanted from me. He was born, and I was no longer needed.

Have you tried talking to her?

Certainly. She replied that I was crazy, that I did not understand how hard it was for her with the baby. She said that I should help her. I tried but nothing changed. We moved away more and more and soon completely cooled off towards each other. Love is gone. We realized that the marriage failed.

The third wife... I thought it would be different with her. I was divorced for three years, and we dated for two of them. I thought we tested the feelings. It seemed to me, for the first time, I understand what it means to love someone. And she really loved me, I felt.

I don't think I've changed since getting married. I still loved her and tried to make her see it. I said how beautiful she is, how I love her, how proud of her. But after a few months, the cavils began. First, on trifles: I didn’t take out the trash, I didn’t put my clothes away. Then she switched to my character. She said that I could not be trusted, that I was deceiving her. She criticized everything. When I met her, she was the most complaisant woman in the world. This is what attracted me. She was always happy with everything, I was wonderful. We got married, and it turned out that I was doing everything wrong. Honestly, I don't know what happened. Eventually, I got annoyed... and fell out of love with her. Yes, and so does she. Staying together was pointless, and we broke up.

It was a year ago. Why does love disappear after marriage? Is it like that with everyone? Maybe that's why there are so many divorces? I can't believe this has happened to me three times already. And those who do not get divorced live with emptiness in their hearts, or do they really somehow keep love? If so, how?

The questions that my neighbor on the plane asked are tormenting many today: both married and divorced. Some turn to friends, others to psychologists, to priests, someone closes in on himself. Sometimes they answer us in professional jargon, which is almost impossible to understand, sometimes they try to console us with a joke. Of course, there is some truth in the joke, but it will help you just like aspirin for a cancer patient.

And we want so much that romance does not die after the wedding. This need is so deep within us. There are articles on this topic in almost every magazine. This question is discussed in TV and radio programs. A lot of books have been written. Because the problem is really serious.