Leroy and I have been friends for a long time, since kindergarten, then studied in the same class. So all these stories happened in front of my eyes.
I'll start in order. Lera has always been, on the one hand, a very open, kind and honest girl, but she didn’t let anyone offend herself, she had a feeling dignity. Her peers and teachers loved her very much. But in the family, relations were not very good. Grandmother Vera did not look for souls in Lera, she was her first, eldest granddaughter. But her aunt (Aunt Katya), for some reason, from childhood, took a dislike to Leroux and always tried her best to humiliate her in front of all relatives and friends, even in front of her daughters Yulia and Dasha.

The fact is that Aunt Katya and her sister - Aunt Lyuba (Lerina's mother) always considered her lower in status - it even came out purely implicitly. Aunt Lyuba worked as a simple librarian since she was 10 summer education, and Aunt Katya graduated from the university and then worked as a deputy. head of a department at one of the Gorky plants, and later became a leader. Lera always did not like the behavior of her aunt, her snobbery, arrogance and categoricalness. Because of this, there were often skirmishes between the niece and aunt. But it is known that in adolescence people react to such things especially sharply. So Lera, when she was 15 years old, began to express her indignation to Aunt Katya about her attitude towards herself and her mother ...

However, with her cousins ​​​​(Julia is 6 years younger than Lera, and Dasha is 10 years younger) in her childhood, her relationship developed normally ....
But this is only a brief prehistory of everything that happened next ...
When Lera got married, her grandmother Vera decided to give her a wedding gift - to register her in her apartment. Aunt Vera really wanted her eldest granddaughter to inherit her apartment, so that she and her husband would have their own house where they would raise their children. This was back in 1988, when the grandchildren and children registered in the apartment had the right to inherit ...

But other times have come. Moreover, Aunt Vera had already died by that time ... And Lerina's aunt was very angry that Lerka would get the apartment, and not her daughters, apparently her niece, in her opinion, did not come out with a snout, they are more worthy! She began to put pressure on her sister Lyuba so that Lera and her grandfather Petya would privatize the apartment and register ownership of it. It was 1993, when privatization was just in its infancy and few people still understood all the legal intricacies of this procedure.

But it turned out that the apartment was privatized in equal shares, which meant that everyone was the owner of one-half, that is, not at all in the way that Aunt Katya expected. After all, she hoped that in this case, her grandfather would write a will for her and the apartment would go to her children (as she wanted). It didn't happen on purpose. It’s just that when the grandfather and granddaughter came to privatize the apartment, they were asked the question: “Would you like to privatize in equal shares?” Logic told both that everything should be exactly like this ...

But in this, apparently, there was also some kind of divine providence ....

In general, Aunt Katya was very angry with her grandfather that he did this, and even more so with Lera, because she always has her like a bone in her throat!

Lera then realized what her aunt was counting on. But Grandma Vera did everything from pure heart, she wanted to leave the apartment to her beloved granddaughter as a memory of herself!
My friend and I had a lot of conversations about this. In general, Lera was in a twofold position - on the one hand, she greatly valued the will of her grandmother to make her heiress, and on the other hand, she was not comfortable in front of her cousins. Therefore, she believed that in this situation it is necessary to look for some reasonable compromise. I advised her to talk to her mother first, what she would advise her on this matter.

Aunt Lyuba asked her daughter not to raise this topic before her relatives, because at that time grandfather Petya was still alive. And Lera completely agreed with this - that's right, with a living legitimate owner, it is extremely unethical to conduct such conversations. Time will tell and judge.

But then, not entirely adequate actions began on the part of Aunt Katya: then she began to drip on the brains of her sister Lyuba, that Lera, they say, was not helping her grandfather, but was applying for his apartment. She began to induce her daughter Yulia to go to her grandfather to clean up. But Lera always did it to the best of her ability and never refused. Then she already began to express that Lera was very cunning and flirted with her grandfather so that he would write off the apartment for her. Lerka had no such thought in his head. On the contrary, she wanted everything to be honest, because in the end she is the official owner of ½ of this apartment and this is only her (even if the grandmother’s will be fulfilled in this), and after the death of her grandfather, the apartment can be sold and the money divided to be honest, so be it.

Aunt Katya began to incite grandfather to complain about his health and asked Lera and her husband to live with him. Grandfather, by the simplicity of his soul, did so (he did not understand that this was just the intrigue of his very enterprising daughter). Lera agreed and said that she and her husband would soon move in with him. But Aunt Katya, without hesitation, settled Yulia with him, referring to the fact that she had just entered the institute and she had to study a lot. And what, in fact, did she miss in her parents' 3-room apartment, where she and Dasha had their own 13-meter room, where each had their own desktop?! As far as I know, Dasha did not take noisy companies home, and by that time she herself had begun to think about entering the institute and was doing a lot. So I don't know what she could do to prevent Yulia.

Most importantly, my aunt did all this behind her niece's back. Lera did not like this, and she shared her indignation with her mother. Aunt Luba, wanting to smooth sharp corners, said that it would not be for long, just let Yulia get involved in her studies. And Aunt Katya seemed to have changed towards Lera. I started talking to her in a friendly way, making presentations. Lera simply did not want scandals, although she saw everything perfectly ...

But one day it happened that my grandfather went to the hospital for an operation. Aunt Katya, without hesitation, hinted to her sister Lyuba that now he would need constant care, but Yulia would not be doing this, because she needed to study. To which Aunt Lyuba told her that she and her husband (Uncle Vitya) would take grandfather to them. And so they did. And suddenly they began to let tenants into grandfather's apartment, again without informing anyone about this.

Leroux was already very outraged by this and she really wanted to talk about it with everyone - with her aunt, with her grandfather, with her mother and with Yulia openly, but her mother again insisted that she did not do this, because nothing would come of it except scandal. Lera herself was never a fool and understood that things could easily come to this, but at the same time it was necessary to somehow resolve the situation. Then Aunt Lyuba promised her to settle everything herself. How can you not trust your mother?

But it didn't end there. Aunt Katya also quietly persuaded her grandfather to sign a donation for his half to Yulia. Upon learning this, Lera even considered that it would be better later on and they would find a compromise solution with her sister. However, Aunt Katya continued to let lodgers in, and grandfather still lived with Aunt Lyuba (but that's okay too, after all, he lived with his daughter!).

In 2006, grandfather Petya died. In the same year, Julia got married ...

I remember in the spring Lerka came running to me all crying. It turned out that again behind her back, Yulka and her husband moved into her grandfather's apartment without permission. Lera could no longer restrain herself and expressed all her grievances about this to her mother, and at that moment her aunt was at her place and heard everything. Here it immediately became clear her true attitude towards her sister and niece. Aunt Lyuba told her that Lera is the owner of half and can also claim her share. To which Aunt Katya said: “To me, too, the contender, damn it !!! Throw 10 thousand to her and that's enough from her!!!

Of course, I understand that the housing issue is a very sensitive thing, especially in our modern world. But after all, relatives somehow need to find a compromise between themselves, because these are native people! Is it really better to tear pieces out of each other's mouths than to settle everything quietly and peacefully?! After all, from the very beginning Lera was for this! And at that time it was still possible to get something from the sale of a 2-room Khrushchev apartment and profitably invest your money in other real estate. Why do relatives think that they have the right to solve their problems at the expense of other, less significant relatives for them?! to myself long time I have worked in the real estate industry and similar stories I've already looked to my heart's content!...

In general, one way or another, Yulia had to have a serious talk with Leroy. Yes, it seems that Yulia did not want to particularly spoil relations with her cousin. They decided that Lera would take her half in monetary terms, but at the same time (as if between the lines) it was said that Aunt Katya did not have that kind of money.
But Lera knew that Yulia's husband, Volodya, being an entrepreneur (and quite successful at that time) could afford to buy ½ of the apartment. But he was going to buy it for himself. OK. After all, they are husband and wife. Lerka (kind soul!) also knocked off half the cost by almost 2 times - her sister is Yulia after all! We agreed to give in parts, wrote a receipt.

And then these crumbs had to be literally scratched out with claws. Vovka has one excuse - there is no money yet. Why not at least try to get a loan? AT general relationship with Lera's sister, because of this, they deteriorated greatly. And then it turned out that Yulia and Vovka did not have a life - they parted and Yulia was left with 2 daughters in her arms and alimony from her husband. He lives with another woman. Julia now cannot forgive Lera for her crippled life.

Is it Lera's fault? After all, she always wanted the situation with her grandmother's apartment to be resolved honestly, so that no one would be offended.

Looking at all this, you don’t know who is to blame, who is right in such a situation. After all, after the collapse of the USSR in our society, everything turned literally upside down. Everything that was previously considered indisputable has been questioned. For example, if earlier it was customary to respect the opinions of elders, now they respect the opinions of those who are more successful in life - in business, politics, careers, etc. Money and position in society are at the forefront. Relegated to the background are important qualities like kindness, compassion and selflessness. Increasingly, the common phrase began to flash: “These are your problems!”.

So Lerin's story is now already, from the position of the present time it can be interpreted in different ways. Who is the victim here? Yes, maybe a little. But it’s just a pity that because of apartment disagreements, relations between relatives are so spoiled ...
To be honest, I believe that if the “golden calf” rules in society and purely material gain, then this society does not expect anything good. That's why there are so many now sad stories when relatives - seemingly close people become each other worst enemies, offended friend friend for the rest of your life.

LUCHEZARA ZALESSKAYA

Dramatic as it may seem, sometimes the people closest to us suddenly become strangers and hostile. The reason for this may be monetary or property disputes, a difference in outlook on life, or banal everyday situations… How to avoid conflict and breakup before it's too late? Gives advice family psychologist Margarita Barsukova.

“Unfortunately, the situation when close relatives are at odds or do not communicate with each other at all is quite common,” the specialist comments. - In my opinion, it is much easier to prevent such a development of relations than to restore them later. Let's look at some typical examples.

Eugene, 28 years old:“Two years ago I got married, but my parents did not approve of my choice, since my wife is from the periphery and, in their opinion, is hunting for a residence permit. As a result, we were forced to leave for a rented apartment, I have no communication with my parents. They said that while I'm with Rita, so as not to dare to show themselves in front of them ... "

Psychologist's comment:

Often, if we see a hostile attitude towards ourselves from someone else, then we pay the same. In the meantime, relationships need to be built. Perhaps you should not have put your parents before the fact of your marriage to a "provincial", but gradually introduce her into the family, let her show her best qualities, let your family get used to it ... Complete termination of the relationship is not a solution to the problem.

Marina, 37 years old:“Before her death, my grandmother bequeathed her apartment to me, as I looked after her. My sister said that she also had the right to inherit, and filed a lawsuit, but lost it. After that, she no longer maintains a relationship with me, it’s very difficult ... But what can I do - give her an apartment? I live there myself, and my sister has a living space. "

Psychologist's comment:

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It is up to you to decide what is more expensive for you - an apartment or saving family relations. In this situation, you can ask what option your sister would offer. After all, the apartment was bequeathed to you, and it was you who looked after your grandmother? Or did the sister also contribute? In this case, you can offer to pay the sister some amount of money on account of her share.

The best option is to invite a person from the outside and ask him to resolve the dispute between you. Only it should not be professional lawyer and not a person materially interested in solving the problem, but simply a person with great life experience. Introduce him to the situation, and let him tell you how, in his opinion, you should deal with your sister and the apartment bequeathed to you.

Galina, 39 years old:“I found my 17-year-old daughter in an intimate situation with my common-law husband. I kicked both of them out of the house. As far as I know, the daughter now lives with her father, then with her friends, says that she hates me and will never return, which she has no more mother...

Psychologist's comment:

Betrayal loved one- It's always very hard. But that doesn't stop you from being mother and daughter. Perhaps you should not have kicked your daughter out of the house, but discussed the situation with her, find out why she did it. Maybe it's not her fault at all, but your ex-partner? Moreover, he is an adult man, and she is still a minor ...

Mikhail, 34 years old:

"I have a difficult life situation. I decided to ask for a loan from my brother. He has his own business, and he does not live in poverty. But the brother refused, and in a harsh form. We don't communicate anymore. I think this is not related, and since he did this to me, it means that he does not consider me a close person.

Ecology of life: When emotional break and alienation in the family become the norm. In an ideal picture of the world on weekends, holidays...

In the ideal picture of the world on weekends, vacations and holidays for one huge, still desirable round table, parents, children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters gather and listen to each other's successes. In the perfect picture. But not real.

Over the past five years, researchers have increasingly begun to pay attention to new phenomenon - emotional rupture and alienation in the family . And, in their opinion, this is not unusual.

In truth,alienation comes to replace negative attitudes , although it is often misinterpreted. But as people begin to share their stories, it becomes clear that this phenomenon has a place.

It is naive to believe that the relationship between parents and children is eternal,- this is as naive as believing that everyone on this planet has a half with whom he will live happily ever after until the end of his days.

Farewell, relatives!

Myth 1. Alienation occurs suddenly

In fact, this is a long process, and not some kind of phenomenon that occurs overnight. Relationships between children and parents break down over time, not overnight.

Kylie Aglias, an Australian who wrote Family Alienation in 2006, found that decades could pass. Accumulated resentment and pain undermine a person's trust.

A study by Dr. Christina Sharp of the University of Utah, published last year, showed that adult children distance themselves from their parents in many ways:

• some just leave;
• others do not try to live up to expectations, like, for example, a 48-year-old woman who did not communicate with her father for 33 years and refused to come to his hospital and funeral;

• still others decide to keep communication to a minimum. For example, another survey participant, 47-year-old Nicholas Mack, began to move away from his parents and siblings 10 years ago. especially complicated relationship he was with his father, who made family and holiday dinners seem like torture. Over time, Mac stopped going home for the holidays, and his father said he no longer considered him a son.

Myth 2. Alienation is rare

Another 2014 study of 2,000 Britons found that 8% of those surveyed had cut off all contact with their families, and 19% of them reported that other members of their families had done the same.

Myth 3. There are clear reasons why people become strangers to each other.

Various factors influence the emergence of alienation.

In 2015, Dr. Aglias conducted a study of 25 Australian parents. Their children cut off all contact with the family. Why?

Aglias singled out three main categories of causes.

1. In one case, a son or daughter had to choose with whom to communicate - father or mother.

2. On the other hand, children and parents did not have the same values, and the former believed that their fathers and mothers were being punished in this way.

3. Also, survey participants noted such factors as domestic violence, divorce, health problems.

One woman told Dr. Aglias that she stopped communicating with her son and daughter-in-law after one family dinner. She asked her sister-in-law to bring a special dessert, and she baked a regular pie. The mother-in-law considered such an act a sign of complete disrespect.

True, this was more of a trigger. According to Aglias, this woman believed that her daughter-in-law did not take good care of her son and did not allow her to see her grandchildren.

Myth 4. Alienation occurs at will.

In the same study, 26 adults surveyed named There are three main reasons why you stopped communicating with your parents:

• violence (both psychological and sexual)
• betrayal (withholding secrets, for example),
• methods of education (Some parents tended to constantly criticize their children, shame them, or make them scapegoats.)

Often these reasons were not mutually exclusive, but overlapped.

Nicholas Mack, for example, said that his parents constantly left him to babysit younger brother and sister. In the end, he decided not to have children of his own.

In 2014, he married a girl he had been dating for a long time. They planned to sign at City Hall.

Mack considered whether he should invite the family because his brother had previously married. His wedding was traditional, with a wedding and other attributes. But at the celebration, Mack's father did not let him make a congratulatory speech.

Nicholas was worried that his father would arrange something similar this time, so he decided that he did not want to see his relatives at such an important event.

The fact that their son got married, Mac's parents found out on Facebook. One of the brothers told Nicholas that he was very offended by this decision. And his sister and father made it clear that they no longer want to communicate with him.

The connection with Mac is maintained by his second brother, they mostly communicate in the messenger, but they prefer not to remember their relatives. published . If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet