Let's get down to more detailed consideration topics related directly to communication, and the resulting problems in the relationship between parents and children. Going to the topic of communication is very convenient, using a metaphorical explanation about the feelings and emotions that a child experiences when communicating with an adult.

Such a metaphor is the "Jar" ​​of feelings and emotions. An important position that parents need to learn is that every child and adult has, as it were, an “emotional capacity”. Capacity - in a figurative sense, of course, but nevertheless it is real, or rather, it really exists. Every child has emotional needs, and a lot depends on whether his needs are met (love, guidance, attention, respect, etc.). First of all, it depends on how the child feels: whether he is satisfied or angry, depressed or cheerful. Secondly, it affects his behavior: is he obedient or not, playful or sullen, etc. Naturally, than fuller capacity, the more positive emotions and the better and more adequate behavior. In this place Yu.B. Gippenreiter emphasizes one of the most important statements in his book: “Only if the emotional capacity of the child is filled, can we expect him to show his best qualities" (19). Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions- anger, malice, aggression. These feelings are destructive because violate both the person himself (his psyche, health), and his relationships with other people. They are the causes of conflicts, and even wars (9). Therefore, when parsing conflict situation, you can use this metaphorical comparison to make sense of real reasons destructive emotions. And why does anger arise? Psychologists answer that: anger is a secondary feeling, and comes from experiences of a completely different kind, like pain, fear, resentment. All the feelings of the second layer are suffering, they contain suffering. They are not easy to say out loud. They are usually kept silent, hidden. Why? For fear of humiliation, to appear weak. Sometimes a person himself does not realize them (“I’m just angry, but why I don’t know!”). It is often taught from childhood to hide feelings of resentment and pain: “Don’t cry, it’s better to learn to fight back!”, “Are you a man or a woman?”. Fig.1. "Jar of Feelings". Why do “suffering.” the senses? Psychologists give the answer: in the dissatisfaction of needs. Every person needs food, sleep, warmth - these are organizational needs. But most of all, a person needs: to be loved, understood, recognized, respected: to be needed and close to someone: to have success in business, study, at work: so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself , respect yourself. These needs are always at risk! Human society over the last thousand years of his cultural development» forgot how to guarantee psychological well-being(not to mention love and happiness) to each of its members. happiness depends on psychological climate the environment in which he grows, lives, works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And the climate and baggage depend on the style of communication, and, above all, the parents with the child. Any need can be unsatisfied, and this leads to suffering, and possibly to "destructive" emotions. And what lies below the layer of needs? Attitude towards oneself is the basic aspirations of the child. Psychologists have devoted much research to such experiences of self. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-assessment, self-esteem. Renowned family therapist Virginia Satir called this a sense of self-worth. Several proven important factors that it greatly affects the life and even the fate of a person. In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitudes of those close to us. At little man No inner vision. His image of himself is built from the outside; he begins to see himself as others see him. However, in this process the child does not remain passive. There is another law of all living things at work here: to actively pursue that on which survival depends. positive attitude to oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child constantly seeks and even fights for it. He expects confirmation from us that he is good, they love him, he can cope with feasible tasks. Whatever the child does, he needs parental recognition of his success. At the bottom of the emotional jar, the most important “jewel” given to us by nature is the feeling of the energy of life. "I am!" or more pathetically: “It is I, Lord!” It is enough to see how he meets a new day: with a smile or crying, this is a feeling of inner well-being or trouble that the child is experiencing. The further fate of this feeling is dynamic, and sometimes dramatic. With each appeal to the child - by word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowned eyebrows and even silence, we tell him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often - mainly about him. A child often perceives punishment as a message: “You are bad”, criticism of mistakes - “You cannot”, ignoring - “You are not loved”. Punishment, and even more so self-punishment of the child, only exacerbates his feeling of trouble and unhappiness. Do we always hear despair? Life shows, not always. A dysfunctional child continues to be punished, criticized, and then completely rejected in the family and school. In order to prevent a child from deep discord with himself and the world around him, you need to constantly maintain his self-esteem or sense of self-worth. How to do it? Definitely accept the child. Actively listen to their feelings and needs. To be (read, play, study) together. Do not interfere in the activities with which he copes. Help when asked. Maintain success. Share your feelings (trust, be open to him). Resolve conflict constructively. Use in everyday communication friendly phrases. Hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day. In general, the more the better! A strong childish nature knows how to demand what is left unfinished, although most often in a sharp, annoying form. J. Bowlby, a prominent American psychoanalyst, identified the following types of pathogenic (painful for a child) parental behavior: parents do not satisfy the child's needs for love and completely reject him; the child serves in the family as a means of resolving marital conflicts; parents often threaten to “fall out of love” with the child or leave the family; parents instill in the child that by his behavior he is guilty of divorce, illness or death of one of the parents; in the environment of the child there is no person capable of understanding children's experiences. Studies show that the desire of parents to put children in a subordinate, dependent position, no matter how good goals it may be explained, leads to a decrease in self-esteem. The child in this situation is broken, he does not trust the world around him, he lacks a sense of his own personal value. Complete internal acceptance his child as he is, consistent and clear requirements, respect for the individuality of the baby - these are the conditions that, from the point of view of psychologists, form positive self-esteem (33).

Unpleasant emotions - anger, anger, aggression. These feelings can be called destructive, since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health), and his relationships with other people. They are constant causes of conflict, sometimes material destruction, and even war.

Let's depict the "vessel" of our emotions in the form of a jug. Let's place anger, anger and aggression at the very top of it. Here we will show how these emotions are manifested in outward behavior person. This, unfortunately, is the name-calling and insults familiar to many, quarrels, punishments, actions “out of spite”, etc.

Now we ask: why does anger arise? Psychologists answer this question somewhat unexpectedly: anger is a secondary feeling, and it comes from experiences of a completely different kind, such as pain, fear, resentment.

So, we can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, annoyance under the feelings of anger and aggression, as the causes of these destructive emotions (layer II of the “jug”).

At the same time, all the feelings of this second layer are suffering: they contain a greater or lesser share of suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually hushed up, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, because of the fear of humiliation, to appear weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”).

To hide feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood. Probably, you have heard more than once how the father instructs the boy: “Don’t cry, it’s better to learn how to hit back!”

What causes "painful" feelings? Psychologists give a very definite answer: the cause of pain, fear, resentment is in the dissatisfaction of needs.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical security, and so on. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk about them now.

Let's focus on those related to communication, and in broad sense- with human life among people.

Here is an approximate (far from complete) list of such needs.

A person needs: to be loved, understood, recognized, respected; that he was needed and close to someone; so that he has success - in business, study, at work; so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself.

If the country does not economic crisis or, moreover, wars, then, on the average, organic needs are more or less satisfied. But the needs just listed are always at risk!

Human society, despite the millennia of its cultural development, has not learned how to guarantee the psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) to each of its members. And yes, it is a very difficult task. After all, the happiness of a person depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And yet - from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. Unfortunately, compulsory schools We don't have any communication yet. They are just being born, and even then - on a voluntary basis.

So, any need on our list can be unsatisfied, and this, as we said, will lead to suffering, and possibly to "destructive" emotions.

Let's take an example. Suppose a person is very unlucky: one failure follows another. This means that his need for success, recognition, maybe self-respect is not satisfied. As a result, he may develop persistent disappointment in his abilities or depression, or resentment and anger at the "culprits".

And this is the case with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need. Let's go back to the diagram and see if there's anything below the layer of needs? It turns out there is! Sometimes, when we meet, we ask a friend: “How are you?”, “How is life in general?”, “Are you happy?” - and we get in response: "You know, I'm unlucky", or: "I'm fine, I'm fine!"

These answers reflect a special kind of human experience - an attitude towards oneself, a conclusion about oneself.

It is clear that similar relationship and conclusions may change with the circumstances of life. At the same time, they have some common denominator”, which makes each of us more or less an optimist or a pessimist, more or less believing in himself, and therefore more or less resistant to the blows of fate.

Psychologists have devoted much research to such experiences of self. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-assessment, and more often self-esteem. Perhaps the most successful word came up with V. Satir. She called this complex and difficult to convey feeling a sense of self-worth.

Scientists have discovered and proved several important facts. First, they discovered that self-esteem (we will use this more familiar word) greatly affects the life and even the fate of a person.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child's life, and depends on how parents treat him.

general law here is simple: A positive attitude towards yourself is the basis of psychological survival. Basic needs: “I am loved!”, “I am good!”, “I can!”.

At the very bottom of the emotional jug is the most important "jewel" given to us by nature - a sense of the energy of life. Let's depict it in the form of a "sun" and denote it with the words: "I am!" or more pathetically: “It is I, Lord!”

Together with the basic aspirations, it forms the initial feeling of oneself - a sense of inner well-being and the energy of life!

Yu. B. Gippenreiter

elena rusakova
Synopsis of the parent meeting "Jug of emotions"

teacher-psychologist Rusakova E.V.

Target: To introduce some of the positions of competent building relationships with children. Help parents understand the features emotional manifestations in your child. To give psychological advice when choosing a style of behavior with your child, depending on his emotional features.

Equipment: "Jug of emotions", questions for -volitional sphere baby, test "what are you parent?".

Assembly progress.

Org. moment: As a mother, I often had questions: "How to build a normal relationship with a child? How to make him obey? How to avoid conflicts? Today I would like to introduce you to some positions of competent building relationships with children, which I hope will help you in life.

Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter "Communicate with a child. How?"

1. Working with " jar of emotions".

Image pitcher help us deal with our feelings parents and child. Let's represent it schematically in the figure.

Comments to " jar of emotions"

experiences of children and parents can be compared to a full or even overflowing glass or jug, when emotions spill over the edge. Let's try to understand the reasons.

Let's start from the top layer with the most unpleasant, (1) destructive emotions - anger, anger, aggression. They destroy the person himself (his psyche, health, and his relationships with other people.

But these feelings are secondary, they arise from experiences of a completely different kind - such as pain, fear, resentment. (2) . The feelings of the second layer can be called passive: they have a greater or lesser share of suffering, therefore they are not easy to express, they are silent about them, they are hidden because of the fear of humiliation, seeming weak.

The reason for their occurrence is the dissatisfaction of needs. Behind any negative experience, we will always find an unfulfilled need: in love, attention, affection, etc. (3)

4 layer" jug of emotions"reflects an attitude towards oneself, self-esteem. In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from words and attitudes towards us close ones. A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child is constantly looking for and even fighting for it. He is waiting for confirmation from us that that he is good, that he is loved, that he can handle,

Situations "Whose" jar of emotions" crowded?"

Approaching the house, you meet your own son: the face is smeared, the button is torn off, the shirt came out of the trousers. Passers-by look around, smile; you dislike the sight of your son. And he notices A: He had a great time and is happy to meet you.

The kid enthusiastically rolls his typewriter on the floor. You are in a hurry to work, your son gets in the way, gets scared under your feet, in a word, annoys you,

Mom is sitting on a bench in the park, her three-year-old baby runs up to her and

With tears: "He took my car!"

Daughter is going to walk; mom reminds that you need to dress warmer, but the daughter is naughty; she refuses to put on "that ugly hat".

Situations "Feeling a child"

(feelings need to be defined and named,

The child was given an injection, he crying: "Doctor bad1."

"Sergeant's son to mom: "You always protect her, you say" little, little ", but you never feel sorry for me."

"Today, when we went for a walk. Petya knocked out my toy basket, and everything spilled out of it."

Situations "Feelings parents"

(you need to identify your possible experiences).

The child was naughty at the table, despite the warning, spilled milk.

you enter the room (9th floor) and see your preschool son sitting on the windowsill of an open window.

A husband is supposed to come home from work, you ask your daughter to run for bread, she refuses, you are expecting guests. The daughter cut off and ate a piece of cake that would have been prepared for the celebration.

2. Questions for parents to study emotionally-volitional sphere of a preschool child.

3. Test "What are you parent?"

4. Final part.

secrets successful interaction with baby.

In order to prevent a child from deep discord with himself and the world around him, you need to constantly maintain his self-esteem or "sense of self-worth"

1. Definitely take it.

2. Actively "listen" to his experiences and needs.

4. Do not interfere with his activities, with which he copes.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

7. Share your feelings" (means to trust).

8. Resolve conflict constructively,

9. Use friendly phrases in everyday communication. For example:

It's good that you came. I like the way you are. -

I miss you. Let's (Let's sit down and do it.) together.

You can do it, of course. It's good that we have you. You are my good.

10. Hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

Disappears, or at least, the negative experience of the child is greatly weakened (divided grief lessens).

The child, having made sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to tell everything about himself more: sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows suddenly unwinds.

/According to the materials of the book:

Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter

"Communicate with the child. How?" /

Unpleasant emotions - anger, anger, aggression. These feelings can be called destructive, since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health), and his relationships with other people. They are constant causes of conflict, sometimes material destruction, and even war.

Let's depict the "vessel" of our emotions in the form of a jug. Let's place anger, anger and aggression at the very top of it. Here we will show how these emotions are manifested in the external behavior of a person. This, unfortunately, is the name-calling and insults familiar to many, quarrels, punishments, actions “out of spite”, etc.

Now we ask: why does anger arise? Psychologists answer this question somewhat unexpectedly: anger is a secondary feeling, and it comes from experiences of a completely different kind, such as pain, fear, resentment.

So, we can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, annoyance under the feelings of anger and aggression, as the causes of these destructive emotions (layer II of the “jug”).

At the same time, all the feelings of this second layer are suffering: they contain a greater or lesser share of suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually hushed up, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, because of the fear of humiliation, seem weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”).

To hide feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood. Probably, you have heard more than once how the father instructs the boy: “Don’t cry, it’s better to learn how to hit back!”

What causes "painful" feelings? Psychologists give a very definite answer: the cause of pain, fear, resentment is in the dissatisfaction of needs.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical security, and so on. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk about them now.

Let's focus on those that are associated with communication, and in a broad sense - with the life of a person among people.

Here is an approximate (far from complete) list of such needs.

A person needs: to be loved, understood, recognized, respected: to be needed and close to someone: to have success - in business, study, at work: so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect myself.

If there is no economic crisis in the country, let alone war, then, on average, organic needs are more or less satisfied. But the needs just listed are always at risk!

Human society, despite the millennia of its cultural development, has not learned how to guarantee the psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) to each of its members. And yes, it is a very difficult task. After all, the happiness of a person depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And yet - from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. > Unfortunately, we still do not have compulsory communication schools. They are just being born, and even then - on a voluntary basis.

So, any need on our list can be unsatisfied, and this, as we said, will lead to suffering, and possibly to "destructive" emotions.

Let's take an example. Suppose a person is very unlucky: one failure follows another. This means that his need for success, recognition, maybe self-respect is not satisfied. As a result, he may develop persistent disappointment in his abilities or depression, or resentment and anger at the "culprits".

And this is the case with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need.

Let's go back to the diagram and see if there's anything below the layer of needs? It turns out there is!

Sometimes, when we meet, we ask a friend: “How are you?”, “How is life in general?”, “Are you happy?” - and we get in response "You know, I'm unlucky", or: "I'm fine, I'm fine!"

These answers reflect a special kind of human experience - an attitude towards oneself, a conclusion about oneself.

It is clear that such attitudes and conclusions may change with the circumstances of life. At the same time, they have a certain "common denominator", which makes each of us more or less an optimist or a pessimist, more or less believing in himself, and therefore more or less resistant to the blows of fate.

Psychologists have devoted much research to such experiences of self. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-evaluation, and more often self-esteem. Perhaps the most successful word came up with V. Satir. She called this complex and difficult to convey feeling a sense of self-worth.

Scientists have discovered and proved several important facts. First, they discovered that self-esteem (we will use this more familiar word) greatly affects the life and even the destiny of a person.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child's life, and depends on how parents treat him.

The general law here is simple: A positive attitude towards yourself is the basis of psychological survival.

Basic needs: “I am loved!”, “I am good!”, “I can!”.

At the very bottom of the emotional jug is the most important "jewel" given to us by nature - a sense of the energy of life. Let's depict it in the form of a "sun" and denote it with the words: "I am!" or more pathetically: “It is I, Lord!”

Together with the basic aspirations, it forms the initial feeling of oneself - a sense of inner well-being and the energy of life!