Chet want I do not know what. I don't know what I really want

Hello, I have a very low self-esteem and high level anxiety. In this regard, I do not know what I really want. I take on one thing, quit, start a new one and never come to one solution. Please tell me how you can understand what you want?

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

It is advisable for you to check the level of maturity of your personality on the test If total score will be less than 40 percent or if the indicators for individual scales will be less than 40 percent - this is a neurotic level of personality development. It would be desirable for you to be checked up for presence of a neurosis (cognitive disturbances).

Please read the articles on our site dedicated to and. Please note that a high level of anxiety, coupled with low self-esteem, is very typical for the anxiety-phobic type of neurosis.

Neurosis is a cognitive impairment

You take on one thing, then drop it and start a new one, because you have a pathological "don't finish" driver. This driver is your unfavorable psychological legacy from your parents or others involved in your upbringing. The bottom line is that your parents gave you the wrong attitudes (advice) for life, they didn’t teach you to think logically, they didn’t teach you how to react emotionally and achieve goals. We can say that you have been taught how to play out the loser scenario correctly (1,2, 3 degrees - yet to be found out), but you have not been taught to build your life effectively. Your problem may be the lack of elementary psychological skills necessary to build a harmonious life.

Perhaps you have not been taught to plan your life systematically. Perhaps your dreams, intentions and actions are very different. Perhaps your emotional-volitional activity is very low, and it’s just very difficult for you to act when you need to, and not when emotions overwhelmed you. When a person follows ridiculous and contradictory advice in life, thinks with errors of logic, reacts with pathological emotional schemas, does not have elementary psychological skills for life - this is cognitive impairment(neurosis). That is, biologically a person is healthy, but he was not taught how to build his life correctly. He does not even realize that it is not good to think, feel and act like he is used to.

You could have been taught how to be a comfortable and good girl

A problem like "I don't know how to figure out what I want" is a neurotic problem. This kind of difficulty arises in a person who has been taught to be obedient, to please, to do everything for the sake of praise and approval. "Good girl" or "good boy" syndrome.

The habit of refusing to be aware of one's desires and pleasing the desires of other people for the sake of praise gradually develops into such a character trait as conformism (adaptation). We can say that this is such a state when you give up your real self, your goals, your desires, your vocation, so that the other person (parent) does not get upset, does not get angry. And in order to realize your desires, you will have to do a lot of work, learn to be aware of your real self.

In order to learn to understand what you really want, it is advisable to become yourself.

This means - to increase the level of development of your personality according to the parameter. Get rid of codependency and learn to distinguish your own motives from the motives of other people. Learn to distinguish between your true emotions and insincere emotions that show on the face out of fear of not getting approval or out of fear of “What other people will think of me?”. Then learn to distinguish your thoughts and beliefs from the thoughts and beliefs of other people in order to be protected from different kind manipulations. This is a long-term systematic work on psychological training which will take you several years. Too many gaps to fill, too many topics to learn, and too many skills to develop.

If you raise your level of personality development to at least 60 percent, you will no longer have such problems that you complain about. The shyness (anxiety) will pass, and low ability to active action.

Treat psychotherapy like a psychological gym that you go to to improve your personal skills.

If you consistently work through the negative parent-child programs, codependency, self-esteem, personal boundaries, emotion management skills, communication skills and systematic lifestyle planning skills - you will know exactly what you want to do in this life. And more than that, you will become able to actively act towards your goals. At the neurotic level of personality development, to understand one's own true desires very difficult, because of the persistent habit of doing everything for approval and for fear of being scolded.

Victoria Pekarskaya, psychologist, gestalt therapist: Are you aware that in your extreme point Is this condition deadly?

When a child feels some vital important need(in food, attention, care, love, etc.), which he is unable to satisfy on his own, he calls for help.

A baby crying attracts the attention of the mother and expecting her to come and give what he needs. If the mother does not come (or does the wrong thing), the child will feel the need becoming more and more acute, and will cry and scream harder: the need itself will not disappear anywhere. If you ignore his need for food and care, the child simply will not survive. The results of the need for love are not so obvious, because they do not kill immediately.

The need for love is the strongest human need. And if no one comes to the child, he, of course, will stop screaming and crying, but not because the need has miraculously disappeared, but from exhaustion. The child is helpless and desperate, he suffers a lot, and the understanding comes to him that this need of his can never be satisfied by anyone and in no way.

He begins to look for the source of suffering, and finds: this is his own desires, and the more wants the more he will suffer.

Thus begins the path of "getting rid of desires."

He learns to forget about his feelings and needs, in order to distract himself from pain and dissatisfaction, the child will study diligently (these are children with early achievements, early intellectual success, already at 2-3-4 years old they begin to read and count). He has self-accusations. The conviction “I am not like that”, “I am not good enough” is fueled by the inability to direct my anger to the mother for what, for example, she left in the manger and left. In fact, he directs the anger addressed to the mother onto himself. "She didn't leave because she's bad (mother can't be bad), she left because I'm bad and don't deserve love." He very early learns to justify (“understand”) others: “she left because she needs to earn money, and I have no right to demand that she be with me.”

And then in adulthood we have:

1. "I don't know what I want." "I want you to tell me what I want." The inability to spend money and other resources on yourself. Belief in one's own unworthiness better conditions, best clothes, better job. A lot of altruism, a desire to take care of others. (A person unconsciously does to others what he himself needs).

2. "I don't know how I feel." I forgot how long ago ... They are not so sensitive that they are constantly processed, overtired to the point of exhaustion.

3. "I do not have the right to ask, demand - even want something from other people, especially from those who are valuable to me." (“I even know why they won’t give it to me: they have their own affairs and interests, they don’t care about me”). “No one needs me”, “No one loves me”. (This is simply unbelievable).

4. The strongest fear of being rejected, hence - at the same time - a demonstration of independence (as a compensatory behavior) and selfless sticking to a person. This is how the fear of repeating the early child rejection, "non-acceptance", "non-love".

5. "I'm not angry at anyone, I'm kind." "If something goes wrong, it's my own fault." Fear of presenting negative feelings. Self-blame and mass negative beliefs about himself. And under all this - the fear of feelings, the fear of anger, and a lot of despair; the strongest struggle between the impulses of love and hate.

This is a character description. depressed person. Its 2 main problems:

1. Chronic non-satisfaction of needs

2. The inability to direct your anger outward, restraining it, and with it restraining all warm feelings

These problems make him more and more desperate every year, no matter what he does, it does not get better, on the contrary, only worse. The reason is that he does a lot, but not that.

If nothing is done, then, over time, either he will “burn out at work”, loading himself more and more - until he is completely exhausted; or his own Self will be emptied and impoverished, unbearable self-hatred will appear, a refusal to take care of oneself, in the long run - even self-hygiene. A person becomes like a house from which the bailiffs took out the furniture. Against the background of hopelessness, despair and exhaustion, there is no strength, no energy even for thinking. Complete loss of the ability to love.

He wants to live, but begins to die: sleep is disturbed, metabolism is disturbed ... It is difficult to understand what he lacks precisely because we are not talking about the deprivation of possession of someone or something. On the contrary, he has possession of deprivation, and he is not able to understand what he is deprived of. Lost is his own I. It is unbearably painful and empty for him: and he cannot even put it into words.

This is - neurotic depression(treatment with antidepressants is required in case of clinical depression, when main factor biological, not psychological).

All this can be prevented, not brought to such a result.

If you recognize yourself in the description and want to change something, you urgently need to learn two things:

1. Learn the following text by heart and repeat it all the time until you learn to use the results of these new beliefs:

I am entitled to needs. I am, and I am me.

I have the right to need and satisfy needs...

I have the right to ask for satisfaction, I have the right to seek what I need ...

I have the right to crave love and love others...

I have the right to a decent organization of life ...

I have the right to complain...

I have the right to regret and sympathy ...

... by birthright.

I may get rejected. I can be alone.

I'll take care of myself anyway.

I want to draw the attention of my readers to the fact that the task of "learning the text" is not an end in itself. Auto-training by itself will not give any sustainable results. It is important to live each phrase, to feel it, to find its confirmation in life. It is important that a person wants to believe that the world can be arranged somehow differently, and not just the way he used to imagine it to himself. That it depends on him, on his ideas about the world and about himself in this world, how he will live this life. And these phrases are just an occasion for reflection, reflection and search for their own, new “truths”.

2. Learn to direct aggression to the one to whom it is actually addressed ...

…then it will be possible to experience and express warm feelings to people. Realize that anger is not destructive and can be presented.

How to notice early signs depression in others.

If you think that a person with a depressed personality looks sad, or whines and complains all the time, then this is by no means the case. Often (especially at a young age) it is very sweet, sympathetic, sociable and charming person. He rarely takes offense, he is pleased with everything. He will easily find how to justify the unseemly actions of other people.

True criterion simple: if he is close to you, you will never hear from him direct demands for love and attention, demands to stay if you leave, demands to change your plans if you want something not what he expected. From your sincere declarations of love, he will either run away (devalue, ignore, ignore, cunningly reject), or cry if he fails to escape. Because it hurts so much to understand how much he needs love, which has been missing for so long. How long the world "owes" him love...

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What do you do if you don't know what you want? 6 ways to understand

I don't know if I want to write this article or not, but I will anyway. Sometimes I just feel what exactly I want: sleep, read, hug a child, write a book, go to St. Petersburg, create a shelter for homeless animals. And sometimes ... To be honest, I'm lying! 🙂 I know what I want almost always (with the possible exception of choosing this or that yogurt in the supermarket). I don't know what I want - it's not about me.

But before it was different. I remember that in childhood there were such moments when I felt that I was bored, but did not know what to do with myself, what would be interesting to do. I sat and thought: “What do I want? Well, what do I want? And often the answer to herself was: “I don’t know…”. Then, tired of being bored, I ran to adults and asked: “What can I do now?”. They offered options, and sometimes I really started to engage in the proposed activity (drawing, walking, embroidering, reading), and sometimes I was childishly offended and upset because they offered “not that”.

Yes, sometimes I didn't know what I wanted. But in one case, the advice of adults could interest me (that is, subconsciously I wanted to do something specific, but I could not understand it, to understand myself). In another case, the proposed classes were absolutely not interesting to me, and I rejected them, still not knowing what I wanted. But: I already knew what I didn’t want at that moment. So what do you do if you don't know what you want? How to understand what you really want?

In fact, all our "wants" have a different weight category. Well, a well-known example: married or sunflower seeds. Therefore, asking yourself painful question, rendered in the title of the article, be aware of the global nature of "Wishlist" or "Wishlist". We will specify them, this will facilitate our task. You don't know what you want. Is it related to today, its activities? Or it has to do with more distant goals (for example, getting married or not getting married, going to "med" or "ped", moving to another city). Or is there an even more global perspective, caused by an existential crisis? Move on?

Option 1: let's go from the opposite ...

If it is difficult to understand what you want, maybe it will be easier to determine what exactly you do not want? This specifies the remaining available options, and it will be easier to choose from them. For example, today I definitely do not want to go anywhere. This means that I want to spend the day at home - for a start it’s already good, it remains to find what I want in the framework of homework. Or: I definitely do not want to enter the university for technical and economic specialty. Now, there are fewer options, but they are much more specific!

Option 2: Imagine, Imagine...

If you don’t know what you want, here’s what you can do: sit comfortably (lie down if possible), close your eyes, pay attention to your breathing, inhale and slowly exhale slowly (repeat several times). Now, start slowly counting "vice versa", starting, for example, from fifty. After that, do not rush to open your eyes - stay a little more in this state, most likely, your thoughts and desires will clear up or you will have an image of what you want.

Option 3: in a dream and in reality

In the evening, before falling asleep, try to "catch" the moment between sleep and wakefulness, and make a request to your own subconscious. You fall asleep, and it will give you an answer, for example, in a dream, or a thought will appear immediately after waking up. In the morning, too, try to stay "between the worlds" of morning slumber and awakening for some time. Perhaps in this state you will come to an understanding of what you want for today, for the next year or ten years. Use this technique, it works well not only for solving the problem we are talking about today.

Option 4: magic list

Make a list of your desires (what you want), but do not be modest, allow yourself to wish plenty! How? - you ask. "I don't know what I want, do I?" Use the "on the contrary" technique, enter point by point. Imagine that you ask Santa Claus or a Golden fish for something and you will have it. So it's easier? Now look at what happened. Do you want that? If not, correct or clarify, this is very important, because if you want “not that”, you can get “not that”.

Option 5: paper will endure everything

It helps a lot to understand yourself, in your desires, keeping records. It is not necessary to write on a large scale, but still prepare several sheets of paper. Pour the stream of consciousness onto paper, write everything that comes to mind, no matter how “nonsense” it may seem to you. If you don’t know where to start, start with the main thing: I don’t know what I want and what I should do. Develop your thought and see where the current has taken you. Surprised?

Option 6: I want to talk about it

If nothing helps you figure out what you want and the situation is more serious than choosing new shoes, contact a psychologist. The specialist will help you not only understand the desires and their causes, but also recommend where to start to translate the finally found “I want” into concrete actions.

While I was writing the article, I realized what I want:

hug a child;
go out into the fresh air;
strawberries;
read, read and read again;
I won't tell you anymore! 🙂

I don't know what I want - it's not about me!

If you really want to find out what you want and improve your life, then I invite you to view the options. You will definitely find a lot of new, interesting and really useful for yourself!

I want to get necessary information right now!

Do you want to get everything from life without painful choices and unnecessary sacrifices? Take away!

If you liked this article and found it useful, do a good deed, click on the buttons social networks below. Thank you!

Natalia Reutova.

If you have ever been interested in the topic of the realization of your desires, then you probably already know that the bulk of trainings, various tips and methods are guided by a ready-made clear picture. It is assumed that you know very well what you want. But what to do if the desire is still too vague, “not ripe”, you don’t want to give it up, but there is no clarity?

Don't worry if you visualize a direction but don't see it final result, this is not a reason to abandon your path. Nature itself is ready to take care of you and bring clarity to your thoughts. Let's take a look at how this can happen simple example.

Imagine that you are going to the store with the intention of buying yourself a new thing. While you have no idea what exactly you want and spend a lot of time among a variety of things, look at the price tags, try on something, or just walk among the colorful windows. There is no clarity. Finally, the forces leave you, and you leave with nothing. Before going to bed, you close your eyes, and before your mind's eye, hangers with clothes again float, things that you tried on or that you only lightly touched. Now you mentally apply a variety of styles to yourself, one thing replaces another, your thoughts flow smoothly, slowly, you imagine yourself in a variety of outfits, nothing limits you. And suddenly... Stop! Here it is! Yours! You recognized him. So here's what you want! Everything is clear and understandable. The dream vanished. There was a joyful excitement inside. More like morning! Yes! I want it!

How did you get it? What prompted you? Of course, this is your wise and caring unconscious. As soon as you relax, let go of thoughts, and it immediately came to your aid. While the conscious mind is sleeping, the unconscious can tell you the most The best decision. By willpower, by reason, you can only find a rational, practical option, but it will not bring you the expected joy.

Returning to our example, you can imagine the consequences of an exclusively "reasonable approach". Many women at least once, but faced with a situation where their conscious arguments, in the end, turned into disappointment and the question - "why did I buy this." It all starts with the thought - “there is nothing to wear, I need to buy something”, in the fitting room she struggles with doubts: “it seems to be nothing, but ... the price”, or “it seems to be so-so, but the price”, “and where you’ll find better”, “nothing, I’ll cut it, I’ll shorten it”. Finally, the purchase is "forced"! Goal achieved! You bring home the purchased item. There is no strength, the mood is depressed. Something inside is resisting. You put on your new thing and immediately realize that the style is not the same, the color is not yours, the price is not at all pleasing, and, in general, this is not at all what you wanted. And imagine what the consequences would be if you bought a house or planned a move.

Therefore, when making decisions, making choices, deciding on desires, it is necessary to take into account not only conscious arguments, but also consult with your intuition. You cannot deceive yourself, your body. Your true desires will always find an opportunity to break through. Your task is to hear and receive this signal. By the way, if we are already talking about shopping, then you can spend right now a little research and find out how strong your connection with the unconscious is. Remember how many things you bought, and then realized that you do not want to wear or use it. The more “unnecessary things” accumulated in your house, the weaker your relationship with intuition. However, this applies not only to shopping, so you can appreciate any area of your life.

To make communication with the unconscious more manageable and predictable, there are special techniques. Of course, in order to get more effective result skills are needed. But do not deny yourself the opportunity to learn a little more about this world, remember, academics also once could not read. You can learn everything, feel free to take your first step.

This technique is based on visualization and assumes the presence of at least primary skills of entering into a trance. If you don’t own them yet, then be sure to find an opportunity to learn this, but for now ...

Decide on a question. What desire would you like to clarify for yourself? What exactly do you not know what you want?
Relax, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and exhale. Leave the fuss, worries and problems in the outside world.
Determine starting point. From it you will repel. Provide an approximate image of what you want. If you are looking for where to go on vacation, then imagine a city or area, if you want to buy a thing, then without effort on yourself, just let the first thought come and leave this image as a starting point.
Let the image "spin", transform, flow from one to another. Your eyes will still be closed. Dream. No conscious effort is needed, let your images and thoughts flow at your own pace.
Wait until something from the stream of images stabilizes, stops changing. You will have a desire to slow down, there will be a feeling of joy and confidence that this is really "it". A warm wave can run through the body. You will feel emotional uplift, delight, inspiration. Pay Special attention to bodily reactions. If there is even slightest doubt, you feel tension, so do not stop, continue to follow the flow of images. When you find "your own", you will have no doubts, you will bathe in positive emotions.
When you receive an answer, thank yourself and the unconscious for help and support. This will help you to strengthen your further relationship with your inner self and will help you gain communication skills faster.

Over time, with regular training, you will learn to easily understand your unconscious and you will receive answers much faster and more accurately, and sometimes right in the process of action related to your intention. Perhaps some of the answers will surprise you. But keep in mind that the unconscious is guided not only by your desires, but also has access to information not available to most people. His answer will be dictated, first of all, by the desire for your well-being, even if it seems to you that this is not quite what you expected. Learn to trust yourself, and you will have at your disposal a round-the-clock opportunity to live a happy and joyful life!

What do you do when you don't know what you want?

But what to do if the desire is still too vague, “not ripe”, you don’t want to give it up, but there is no clarity? Don't worry if you're imagining a direction but not seeing the end result, that's no reason to abandon your path. Nature itself is ready to take care of you and bring clarity to your thoughts.

Let's see how this can happen with a simple example. Imagine that you are going to the store with the intention of buying yourself a new thing. While you have no idea what exactly you want, and spend a lot of time among a variety of things, look at the price tags, try on something, or just walk among the colorful windows. There is no clarity. Finally, the forces leave you, and you leave with nothing.

Before going to sleep, you close your eyes, and hangers with clothes float before your mind's eye, things that you tried on or that you only lightly touched. Now you mentally apply a variety of styles to yourself, one thing replaces another, your thoughts flow smoothly, slowly, you imagine yourself in a variety of outfits, nothing limits you. And suddenly…

Stop! Here it is! Yours! You recognized him. So that's what you want! Everything is clear and understandable. The dream vanished. There was a joyful excitement inside. More like morning! Yes! I want it! How did you get it? What prompted you? Of course, this is your wise and caring unconscious. As soon as you relax, let go of thoughts - and it immediately came to your aid. While the conscious mind is sleeping, the unconscious can suggest the best solution.

By willpower, by reason, you can only find a rational, practical option, but it will not bring you the expected joy. Returning to our example, you can imagine the consequences of an exclusively "reasonable approach."

Many women at least once, but faced with a situation where their conscious arguments, in the end, turned into disappointment and the question "why did I buy this." It all starts with the thought “there is nothing to wear, I need to buy something”, in the fitting room she struggles with doubts: “it seems to be nothing, but ... the price” or “it seems to be so-so, but the price”, “where can you find better "," Nothing, I'll cut it, I'll shorten it.

Finally, the purchase is "forced out"! Goal achieved! You bring home the purchased item. There is no strength, the mood is depressed. Something inside is resisting. You put on your new thing and immediately understand: the style is not the same, the color is not yours, the price is not at all pleasing, and in general this is not at all what you wanted. And imagine what the consequences would be if you bought a house or planned a move.

By the way, if we are talking about shopping, then you can do a little research right now and find out how strong your connection with the unconscious is. Remember how many things you bought, and then realized that you do not want to wear or use it. The more “unnecessary things” accumulated in your house, the weaker your relationship with intuition. However, this applies not only to shopping, so you can appreciate any area of your life.

But, as mentioned above, the clues of the unconscious most often come chaotically, before going to bed or during a light daytime nap. This is not very convenient, especially when you need to get an answer to a burning question. To make communication with the unconscious more manageable and predictable, there are special techniques.

Of course, skills are required to obtain a more effective result. But do not deny yourself the opportunity to learn a little more about this world, remember, academics also once could not read. You can learn everything, feel free to take your first step. This technique is based on visualization and assumes the presence of at least the primary skills of entering a trance. If you don’t own them yet, then be sure to find an opportunity to learn this, but for now ...

1. Decide on a question. What desire would you like to clarify for yourself? You don't know what you want?

2. Relax, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and exhale. Leave the fuss, worries and problems in the outside world.

3. Define a starting point. From it you will repel. Provide an approximate image of what you want. If you are looking for where to go on vacation, then imagine a city or locality; if you want to buy a thing, then without effort on yourself, just let the first thought come and leave this image as a starting point.

4. Allow the image to "spin", transform, flow from one to another. Your eyes will still be closed. Dream. No conscious effort is needed, let your images and thoughts flow at your own pace.

5. Wait until something from the stream of images stabilizes, stops changing. You will have a desire to slow down, there will be a feeling of joy and confidence that this is really “it”. A warm wave can run through the body. You will feel emotional uplift, delight, inspiration. Pay special attention to bodily reactions. If even the slightest doubt arises, you feel tension, then do not stop, continue to follow the flow of images. When you find "your own", you will have no doubts, you will bathe in positive emotions.

6. After receiving the answer, thank yourself and the unconscious for help and support. This will help you strengthen your further relationship with your inner self and will help you gain communication skills faster.

But keep in mind that the unconscious is guided not only by your desires, but also has access to information that is not available to most people. His answer will be dictated, first of all, by the desire for your well-being, even if it seems to you that this is not quite what you expected. Learn to trust yourself, and you will have at your disposal a round-the-clock opportunity to live a happy and joyful life!

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