In order for criticism to be fruitful, not offensive or offensive, you must use the following simple rules.

1. First of all, remove the accusatory “sting” from criticism, shift the focus to constructive proposals.
2. It is advisable to make comments in private, so as not to offend the self-esteem of the criticized.
3. Strive sincerely and seriously to understand the point of view of the partner; discuss the arguments for and against; show empathy for his thoughts and desires.
4. Show respect for the opinion of the partner, not rejecting it immediately and abruptly, even if it seems absurd to you. Give the opportunity to speak to the end and try not to prove, but to find out the facts.
5. Carry on the conversation in a friendly, firm and calm tone. Try to start with a topic on which you and your interlocutor have mutual agreement. Whenever possible, start with questions on which opinions agree, can cause an affirmative answer and, thus, set the partner up for agreement. If a person says “no” from the very beginning of the conversation, it is difficult to convince him, because pride does not allow him to abandon the opinion expressed, even if he feels that he was initially wrong. Spare the pride of the interlocutor.
6. If you want to point out a mistake to a person, start with praise and sincere recognition of his merits.
7. When drawing people's attention to their mistakes, try to do it in indirect form. For example, remember a similar case.
8. Use “ricochet” criticism: criticism of the actions of an abstract (fictional) person.
9. It is necessary to put forward your opinion (disagreement, criticism) in the order of discussion, without imposing it.
10. Do not use unjustified methods of strengthening the argument. Arguments like: "How many times have I told you!" are undesirable. An incorrect way to strengthen the statement is to raise the voice. If you have a desire to say something sharp, offensive to your partner, take your time - first take a few deep breaths and exhalations or silently count to 10-30, make a few smooth movements of your tongue in your mouth, say some figurative, but harmless expression.
11. Represent psychological pauses people who are in conflict. They will help reduce emotional intensity, turn to the logic of things, to self-esteem, maybe for advice from close people. Do not demand immediate, momentary recognition of mistakes from a partner, agreement with your point of view, with your opinion on this issue. Psychologically, it is difficult, give time to think, do not insist.
12. Admit your mistake, the wrong step quickly, decisively and frankly.
13. Along with criticism, reasoned self-criticism is desirable. Before criticizing another, point out your own mistakes. The admission of guilt, of the critic's own mistakes, makes it possible to perceive criticism less sharply, and self-esteem turns out to be less wounded.
14. Make the flaw look easily fixable. Very often people are plunged into despondency by the hopelessness of their situation. Do not "put pressure" on the psyche, but help find a way out.
15. Talk only about the case, do not get personal: criticize the actions, not the person. Give him a chance to save face.

It is important to remember the following regularity: the more a person is excited, the more his pride is hurt, the less sensitive he is to logic, the more biased and subjective, and the more tactful approach he requires.

If you notice that someone is getting too excited in an argument, it is better to reschedule the conversation for another time.

Forms of constructive criticism

It is very easy to praise a subordinate. It is much more difficult to make him a correct, business-like, not offensive remark. Here are some possible options critical evaluations.

1. Encouraging criticism: “Nothing. Do better next time. And now - it didn’t work out ”;
2. Criticism-reproach: “Well, what are you? I counted on you so much!”;
3. Criticism-hope: “I hope that next time you will do this task better”;
4. Criticism-analogy: “Earlier, when I was like you, I made exactly the same mistake. Well, it hit me from my boss! ”;
5. Criticism-praise: “Job done well. But not for this case”;
6. Impersonal criticism: “There are still employees in our team who do not cope with their duties. We will not name their names”;
7. Criticism-concern: "I am very concerned about the current state of affairs, especially among our comrades like ...";
8. Criticism-empathy: “I understand you well, I enter into your position, but you also enter into mine. After all, the job is not done ... ";
9. Criticism-regret: "I am very sorry, but I must say that the work was done poorly";
10. Criticism-surprise: “How?! Haven't you done this job?! Not expected)...";
11. Criticism-irony: “They did, did and ... did. Work what you need! But how are we going to look the authorities in the eye now?!”;
12. Criticism-reproach: “Oh, you! I had a much higher opinion of you”;
13. Hint criticism: “I knew a man who did exactly the same thing as you. Then he had a bad time ... ";
14. Criticism-mitigation: “What did they do so carelessly? And not on time?!”;
15. Criticism-remark: “They didn’t do it that way. Consult next time";
16. Criticism-warning: "If you allow marriage again, blame yourself!";
17. Criticism-requirement: “You will have to redo the work!”;
18. Challenge-crit: “If you have made so many mistakes, decide for yourself how to get out of the situation”;
19. Constructive criticism: “Job done incorrectly. What are you going to do now?";
20. Criticism-fear: "I am very afraid that next time the work will be done at this level."

All these forms are good, provided that the subordinate respects his boss and appreciates his opinion of himself. Wanting to look worthy in the eyes of the manager, the employee will make every effort to correct the situation. Especially if the criticism was gentle.

When the subordinate is not very friendly to the boss, it is better to combine negative ratings with positive ones.

How to take criticism

Criticism becomes useful only when people perceive it. This rule can be reduced to the following settings.

1. Criticism addressed to me is my personal reserve for improvement.
2. Criticism is a form of help to correct shortcomings in work.
3. There is no such criticism from which one could not benefit.
4. Any retouching of criticism is harmful, because it “drives the disease inward” and thus makes it difficult to overcome shortcomings.
5. The business perception of criticism should not depend on who (what person, for what purposes) makes critical remarks.
6. The perception of criticism should not depend on the form in which it is presented: the main thing is that the shortcomings be analyzed.
7. Central principle constructive perception of criticism - "everything that I have done can be done better."
8. The most valuable use of external criticism is to find a rational grain for yourself even where it is not visible at first glance.
9. Any criticism requires thinking at least about what caused it, at most - how to correct the situation.
10. A useful recourse to criticism is to see areas of the work that have fallen outside your field of vision.
11. First step correct perception criticism - fixing it, the second - understanding from the point of view of benefit for the cause, the third - correcting the shortcoming, the fourth - creating conditions that exclude its repetition.
12. If I am criticized, it means that they believe in my ability to fix things and work without failures.
13. When there is no criticism addressed to you, this is an indicator of disregard for you as an employee or disbelief in your ability to perceive it in a businesslike way.
14. The most valuable criticism is that which points out the imperfection of what seems to be normal.
15. Criticism of possible negative consequences decisions made by me - a prerequisite for the timely prevention of failures.
16. The criticized person has no right to be offended, he only has the right to constructively comprehend what is said to him.
17. The criticized has the right to counter-criticism. He can actively defend his position. The only thing that he is strictly forbidden is to distort facts for the sake of justification.
18. A large number of biased (unfair) criticisms - an indicator of poor psychological climate in a collective. This in itself requires active critical thinking.
19. If I treated with restraint and in a businesslike manner criticism, which means I overcame myself, I - strong personality.
20. Any criticism is useful, if only because it allows you to find out the attitude of the critic towards you, which could be expressed in a more extreme forms.
21. Most favorable impression on people produces a response to criticism that contains specific commitments about what will be done to improve things, with specific indications of time frames and realistic opportunities.
22. Recognizing criticism means taking responsibility for correcting shortcomings.
23. Even if the critic is wrong, one should not rush to rebuke him: in order to involve others in the sphere of criticism, it is useful to support his attempt to critically understand the case.

All participants in the discussion of any problem have the same rights and are equally subject to these rules.

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date with a man, don't panic. There is nothing surprising in the fact that people, experiencing excitement at a meeting, are lost and feel uncomfortable because of the pauses that arise.

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Work and the dissatisfaction of the authorities are inseparable just like an office and a business lunch. But if a lunch break is always pleasant, then criticism is usually disgusting. You can't love her. You can learn to calmly accept comments.

Terrible truth

We know we're not perfect. One is lazy, the second is inattentive, forgetful, sloppy, quick-tempered, the third skillfully combines all these qualities. But deep down, each of us is sure that she is the best. And laziness or forgetfulness are cute flaws, so to speak, the highlight of a crumbly biscuit of an angelic character. We easily admit to ourselves that “it is difficult for us to concentrate on work,” but as soon as the boss declares our inattention, we lose appetite, sleep and the desire to come to the office by 10 o'clock. “When we talk about our shortcomings out loud, deep down we continue to believe that they are negligible, and in comparison with our colleagues, we are brilliant professionals. Therefore, when others point out this shortcoming to us, we are terribly surprised and offended, ”explains the psychologist. Irina Romanova. And what do we conclude? We are treated badly! Moreover, only a few are able to tactfully make comments. Whatever the criticism - deserved or not, it seems offensive, tactless, harsh. “Very often we think: a fair remark only masks the hostility of the critic, forming a so-called sandwich: from above and below - supposedly fair words, and inside - a cutlet that can be poisoned. And therefore, a person instinctively avoids and aggressively does not accept this fast food, ”explains the psychologist. Dmitry Klevtsov.

From the side

The first reaction to a negative remark is burning desire get offended and leave. Or say something mean in return. But neither one nor the other good option you won't name. Then you have to worry not only because of criticism, but also because of your own thoughtless words and deeds. To perceive spacing without unnecessary emotions, psychologists advise learning to see the situation from the outside. When we look at what is happening with our own eyes, we do not notice anything but a person uttering hurtful words. But if you try to enter the role of an observer, you can notice much more. “First of all, you need to take a deep breath and ask yourself the question:“ How do I look now? personal growth Anton Bezmolitvenny.

More specifically

Very often, when we are criticized, we hear not specific things, but general accusations. They tell us “you made a mistake”, we hear “you are mediocre”, they say “it could be done better”, we hear “you are a hack”. It is human nature to exaggerate the scale of troubles.

If our work is criticized, especially one in which we think we have put our soul into it, it becomes a real disaster. But in fact, it is not our view of the world as a whole that is most often condemned, but some individual act, a mistake that can be completely corrected. “It is very important to separate criticism of actions from criticism of personality. If they say: the pie is not tasty, it means that they are criticizing a particular pie, which this time failed. Not our culinary skills, and even more so not us, ”explains Dmitry Klevtsov. Does your boss express dissatisfaction with your knowledge of English? He does not mean at all that you "studied at the institute in vain and in general - a mediocre employee." He just says you need to top up vocabulary and practice your pronunciation. And nothing more."

The first reaction to criticism is an acute desire to be offended and leave.

Like from the wall

And it happens that criticism turns out to be clearly unfair and offensive. For example, you sit at night on a new project and have already forgotten what a full weekend is. But the customer, due to his harmful nature or simply bad mood criticized your work to the nines, without clearly explaining what exactly he did not like. Or the arguments are so far-fetched that it's even ridiculous. Only you at this moment are not laughing - it's insulting to tears. In such cases, Anton Bezmolitvenny believes: it’s worth telling the offender - everything that he wanted to convey to you, you heard and learned. Yes, they say, Ivan Ivanovich, I understood you, I will take it into account, I will correct myself. This is the easiest way to stop the conversation and protect yourself from the next flurry of reproaches. Unfair remarks most often indicate that the critic is not in a good mood and is trying to improve the mood by spoiling positive attitude another. Don't give him a chance! And if your calm agreement does not help and the accusations do not stop, imagine: offensive words bounce off you like balls from the wall. In psychology, there is such a method of protection: you need to imagine that an invisible wall has appeared around you, protecting you from external aggression. And let them say what they want there - it doesn’t concern you and doesn’t care. It has been tested in practice: very often, without receiving the expected rebuff, the aggressor cools down and after a while comes back with an apology. “The most important thing is not to apply to your self-esteem all the received information about yourself. Evaluation of yourself is your own business, a territory that others are not allowed to enter. Remember: no matter how offensive the remark is, it is just the opinion of the person standing in front of you, even if he is the boss, ”says Anton Bezmolitvenny.

Ambulance

Another way to respond to aggressive criticism is empathy. Agree, if a person is not in a good mood now, then he has reasons for that. Maybe a couple of hours ago he was ruthlessly reprimanded by his superiors. Or, which is also likely, he is simply jealous of your talents. Bad weather, an unfortunate reflection in the mirror - you never know what. " Hidden cause humiliating criticism often turns out to be an insult to the whole world or a specific part of it. But only you have nothing to do with it, and therefore there is absolutely no point in worrying about claims. Think that the offender is now much harder than you, sympathize and let him go in peace, ”advises Irina Romanova. You can sympathize silently or out loud, depending on the situation. For example, if the chain of command allows, address the critic: “I think you are upset about something. Are you feeling well?" This will help him get distracted and think about his own problems.

Word replacement

" You are always late!" - says a colleague, "you always forget everything," the stern boss frowns, "you messed everything up again," says the client. After these words, you can sprinkle ashes on your head and admit that you are a good-for-nothing loser. But it is better to translate the heard words into a constructive channel. “Don't let critics generalize and exaggerate. You don't lose documents every day, and specifically yesterday a copy of the contract got lost somewhere. Or, for example, you don’t “always forget”, but today you worked hard and didn’t wish your company’s partner a happy birthday,” says Irina Romanova. In addition, the psychologist reminds us that in any phrase you can find a second meaning. That is, you can safely look for praise in your address in a critical statement. For example, if they say: “you are too talkative”, this can be translated as “yes, I am sociable, sociable, I have good oratorical skills". They say that "you work at the pace of the turtle" - think: "I'm a damn hardy marathon runner, I do everything in good conscience."

Straight text

And sometimes criticism can be like an annoying fly. For example, you have a habit of constantly twisting your hair around your finger when you think about it. Or do you like it when there is a cup of coffee and a bowl of cookies near the computer. Neither is prohibited by corporate rules or by the rules of decency. But there will definitely be someone in the team who enjoys regularly and loudly making comments to you. “The easiest way is to tell the interlocutor in plain text: you understood him, but you have your own position, and you are not going to give it up at all, because you are not harming anyone. If criticism is intrusive or unpleasant, do not hesitate to speak honestly about it and ask to save you from further comments,” advises Irina Romanova.

as a joke

It is very important to learn to accept criticism with humor. "You can't find mutual language with customers, ”says a colleague after five deals, and the sixth, alas, did not take place. Promise to take an example from the critic, because he is a “real specialist”. If the boss makes a remark, and good joke may be taken as an insult. But you can also joke about yourself. Smile and admit: I made a mistake in the report, because, “like a real blonde, I suffer from an attack of stupidity once a year.” Self-irony will not allow the boss to get angry. A cheerful attitude will help you look at things easier, take criticism calmly, and even find something useful in it. Sometimes seriously.

It is important to learn to accept criticism with humor.

hurtful words. How to perceive them correctly

Alena Pendrik, hair and make-up artist:“When a client criticizes me, at first, of course, I try to change everything in better side. Because in our profession there is such a thing as "the customer is always right." But if I don’t succeed and all the arguments come to an end - why I do it this way and not otherwise - I don’t take criticism to heart and say: “Unfortunately, we couldn’t understand each other, and, probably, I’m just not your master. Sorry".

Ilya Bolgov, student of the faculty of film and television directing:“All directors face criticism, even the maestro. And when you are a beginner, it accompanies every work. But I've learned to clearly separate important notes and " empty sound". When a supervisor criticizes, I try to understand him and draw conclusions. If they are fellow students or spectators, I just nod, smile, but do not dwell on what I have heard. People are so arranged that they need to assert themselves by criticizing others.

Hello! Tell me please. How can I understand the behavior of my mother's friend in such a situation. Recently my younger brother It was a birthday party, to which we invited grandparents, as well as my mother's friend, along with her son, with whom my brother is friends. Mom went to the store to buy food for the holiday. While my mother was away, my grandfather and grandmother came.

Grandmother immediately began to express dissatisfaction with the fact that the table had not yet been set for her arrival, and mother was “hanging around” somewhere (sorry). I, indignant at such a statement, said to my grandmother: “What, everything should be completely ready for your arrival? The table is set? Will you just sit in a chair? To which I was answered: “Yes! Exactly! Everything should be just like that!” Then dad came home from work, we cooked a festive dinner. They congratulated my brother on his birthday and started talking “for life”.

Grandmother then said: “And I feel sorry for my granddaughter!” (Looking at me). Then I asked: “Why do you feel sorry for me? Nothing happened to me!” Then my mother's friend said: “So, wait a minute! You, she turned to me- close mouth and listen to me! There will be a granddaughter sitting in front of you, and even a daughter. And you will feel sorry for her for no reason.

This somewhat jarred me, and I was surprised by the tone of my mother's friend - my mother did not say anything like that to anyone! Moreover, after my mother came out to see off the guests, a friend said: what, they say, your daughter talks badly with her grandmother! (Mom gave it to me later). I was surprised by such an unfair remark. Firstly, maybe I spoke harshly with my grandmother, but I wanted to protect my mother from unfair attacks. Secondly, to make comments in front of parents, and even In a similar way- not too - it's ethical. Especially since I'm no longer a little girl - I'm 18 years old.

Mom later told me that her friend simply doesn’t like it when they talk rudely with their parents or grandparents. (On the day of my coming of age, she told me: “Wait a minute! Being of age does not give you the right to talk rudely with your mother! (Although I didn’t say anything rude to my mother in principle!) What do the commandments say? Honor your parents! I also teach my son to so that he respects me. I say that you can not talk to your friends, but not to me! ”Why should I constantly, and even in front of everyone, make such rude remarks?

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

In such situations on conscious level something else is happening than on the subconscious. On a conscious level, you are in the situation of your brother's birthday dinner.

On a subconscious level, you are all playing a manipulative psychological game built according to the classic Karpman Triangle scheme.

Let's analyze this situation in more detail. When your grandmother came before dinner, and you did not tell her the time of the desired visit in advance, the basis was created for conflict situation. Your grandmother began communication from the position of an aggressor: he showed dissatisfaction with the fact that your mother was “hanging around” somewhere. It was a subconscious invitation to communicate according to the Karpman triangle scheme.

You felt offended and you also began to respond aggressively: “What, everything should be completely ready for your arrival? the table is set? Will you just sit down in a chair? When you responded aggressively, you just accepted the invitation to the Karpman triangle scheme. Next, you saw that your grandmother begins to distort the concept of etiquette, because you gave her a signal that you would act as her communication partner according to this scheme. "Yes! Exactly! Everything should be just like that!” she answered from the role of the aggressor and with a distorted matrix of ignoring. And when you sat down at dinner, your grandmother took the position of your savior, saying that you are sorry.

You, of course, were destined for the honorable role of the unfortunate victim, who must gratefully accept humiliating self-pity.

In order to understand whether you made an attempt to get out of the Karpman triangle scheme, you would have to observe your non-verbal reactions during your phrase: “Why do you feel sorry for me? Nothing happened to me!” If you said it in a calm and friendly tone, then you were trying to break the cyclic pattern. If you said this phrase in an aggressive tone, then you continued to communicate according to the scheme, but from the role of an aggressor, and your grandmother felt like a victim.

Then a friend of my mother entered the scheme - in relation to her grandmother she played the role of a savior, and in relation to you an aggressor: “So, wait a minute! you - she turned to me - close your mouth and listen to me! There will be a granddaughter sitting in front of you, and even a daughter. And you will feel sorry for her for no reason. This was done in order to you agreed to take the position of the victim and did not fall out of the scheme.

When a friend left the festive dinner - she invited your mother to continue the manipulative psychological game. It happened like this: a friend accused you of talking badly with your grandmother (you are like an aggressor, and grandmother is a victim). Your mother was invited to either take the role of savior of your relationship with your grandmother, or take the position of an aggressor in relation to you. So that you are already a victim.

Please note that with psychological games you will see distortions in the ignore matrix.

This means that the meaning of your words will be altered, and some of your phrases will be completely dismissed by people, solely for one single purpose: to continue the manipulative psychological game and, in turn, appoint one of the participants in the communication to the role of the sufferer. They do not pay attention to your feelings and true motives, but if you made a mistake due to inexperience with the tone of your voice, you will be accused of being rude by your elders. When your mother says that in fact a friend meant something else, she just doesn’t like being rude to her elders - this is not entirely true. You can confuse motives only when you have a poor understanding of psychology and do not know anything about the scheme of the Karpman triangle.

There are signs by which you can distinguish psychological games from normal, sincere communication without subconscious manipulation.

The difference between manipulation and normal communication is very easy to see - analyze the actions that will be the result of the conversation. If someone is really worried about the fact that you feel bad, then this motive will visible result in real life. For example, a person will give you money for clothes, pay for your studies, help you buy a house - that is, somehow help you specific cases. If pity is expressed in public and only in words, then the purpose of this is something else, namely, publicly humiliate, so that you can take it for granted. A person who agrees to endure suffering and humiliation without a murmur, and does not try to protect the feeling dignity - just like plays the role of the victim.

If you wish, you can learn how to interrupt and exit the Karpman triangle scheme on the course "Correction of negative parental programs"

In order to learn how to interrupt the Karpman triangle scheme, it is important to learn how to evaluate the ego states in the egogram of your interlocutor and your own ego states. Then you need to realize from which ego state you are receiving an explicit and hidden communicative message. You must always react to a hidden communicative message, and you need to make sure that you do exactly cross transaction, not parallel.

In your case, it could look something like this: at the first aggressive phrase of your grandmother, you could amiably laugh off “that this situation is very reminiscent of the cartoon about Winnie the Pooh with his famous song “Who visits in the morning, he acts wisely.” And then invite your grandmother to drink tea with sweets in the absence of her mother and watch her grandmother's favorite movie or a concert of her favorite artist. This would understand grandmother's mood, and all of you would not create a skirmish situation together.
If Grandma showed pity for you in public, you could make a friendly joke like, “Do you know what 'really sorry' means? -This is when a swarm of bees! Everyone would have laughed, and the invitation to join the Karpman Triangle scheme would not have been accepted. Further, you could seize the initiative in communication and direct group communication in a constructive direction.