Professional conflicts are a necessary evil. We have to defend our point of view, point out to others their mistakes, get our way in the face of a lack of time or resources. Sometimes this is difficult and even painful, especially if not all parties to the conflict are ready to comply with the work ethic.

AT working environment confrontation - part production process, and most often local skirmishes pass quickly and quite correctly: both sides understand their role and focus on the result. As a result, labor conflicts already contain the grain of a compromise that just needs to be found. But sometimes we have to deal with those who "play dirty" by using working situation methods of everyday scandal: the transition to personalities, veiled or direct insults and substitution of concepts. Does everything to turn a constructive conversation into a domestic quarrel. What are the causes of such conflicts?

What does the aggressor stand for?

“A person voluntarily entering into conflict communication, as a rule, has already experienced a feeling of humiliation,” says psychologist Anatoly Dobin. This feeling, unfortunately, experienced by almost everyone, but for some people the experience of humiliation is devastating. For example, if it was received in childhood, from people significant to the child.

“Such people,” Anatoly Dobin continues, “are characterized by suspicion and the desire to constantly control their environment. Their goal is to prevent a repetition of the humiliation of their personality. Unfortunately, this manifests itself as resentment and a tendency to see an attack where there is none. When such a person is approached with job offers, he may mistake them for an attempt to belittle him as a person and professional.

There is a conflict, but not of interests, but of ideas about the situation. While one of the participants in the production conflict believes that we are talking about working issues that need to be discussed and moved on, the other believes that his honor and dignity are in danger, and therefore it is necessary to immediately defend them. Humiliate someone else's dignity.

The goal of the aggressor is to hurt, find the sensitive string of the interlocutor

They are on the move gender stereotypes(“women don’t understand anything”), insults based on age (“it’s still young to tell me”), hints of incompetence (“got it from an ad”) or someone’s patronage (“daddy attached it”). It may be direct and rude or veiled, but it is no less offensive for that. There are no taboo topics for the aggressor, and sooner or later he achieves his goal: hitting a sensitive string, he finally drags his interlocutor from a work situation into a domestic conflict.

It is worth at least once to respond to an insult with an insult, or even just show that the words hurt you, and the aggressor can celebrate a victory: working theme forgotten, the result is not achieved, but the nerves are frayed and human dignity is humiliated.

There is only one way to get out of a situation like this with honor: not to enter it. However, this is not about avoiding confrontation. The way to resolve a professional conflict is to consistently strive to keep the situation within the framework of working negotiations. Let the other try to offend or offend you, you must achieve a result, and only this matters. First of all, for this you need to control yourself.

How to avoid conflict

“If you lose control of yourself, you lose everything,” says psychologist Robert Bakel of the University of Toronto. - Manipulative behavior is aimed at making you emotional reaction, make you behave aggressively or, conversely, defend yourself. If we lose our temper, we are doing exactly what the manipulators want us to do. And we lose because we enter into a game that cannot be won. Self-control is required, and this is precisely the control of behavior. You can get angry or upset if that is your choice, but you need to watch your behavior.

Dr. Bakel suggests several simple rules, following which a polite, well-mannered, socialized person can emerge victorious from a labor conflict with an aggressive manipulator.

Do not rush to answer. Before you get into a conflict at work, consider how you can deal with the situation by experiencing and causing the minimum unpleasant emotions. Only then act.

Yes, this means that you should take care not only of your feelings, but also of the feelings of your interlocutor. Remember that he is a man, even if he behaves inappropriately. That it might hurt him too. Moreover, he is in pain right now, and even if it is not your fault, it is in your power not to aggravate his suffering.

Pay attention to the speed and volume of your speech. An agitated person tends to speak faster and louder, forcing the interlocutor to also raise his voice. The faster the speech, the less thought in it and the higher the likelihood that something irreparable will be said. Do not hurry. Weigh your words.

If possible, take a time out. This does not mean that you need to shy away from conflict, but rather that you should put it off. If you see that your opponent is seething with negative emotions, suggest that he reschedule the conversation. “I'm not ready to talk to you about this now. Let's make an appointment for tomorrow." This way you get time to prepare and your opponent time to cool down. In addition, since the conflict occurs in the team and in front of colleagues, it is possible that one of them uses their influence to calm the aggressor.

Don't take risks. Sometimes it seems to us that one well-aimed blow - for example, a good joke or a particularly deadly argument - can end the confrontation. But what works so well on sitcoms rarely works in real life. Be correct and don't try to end everything in one fell swoop.

Focus on results. We get what we focus on. If someone behaves aggressively and provokes you into conflict, you can focus on insults, and then there will only be more of them. And you can translate the conversation into a constructive direction, leaving provocations and insults behind the scenes. And that brings us to the main recommendation.

Words that will help in confrontation

• "Yes". Even arguments against must begin with the word "yes" - it is natural for a person to calm down when they agree with him.
• "We". Not “we are against you”, but “we are with you”. Try to include yourself and the other participant in the conflict in one social group: people are easier to take the side of the representatives of "their tribe".
• "I understand that you are upset" - in response to all attempts to insult you. Thus, you simultaneously reject the offense and grant forgiveness for it.
• “It's really not easy” and other phrases that will show that you realize that your opponent is having a hard time, but the situation requires additional efforts.
• “I heard you” is almost a forbidden technique. Use only if the negative argumentation has gone in a circle, and this is the third circle.
• “Let's both take a time out and meet in an hour (at three, tomorrow at ten)” - if you understand that the interlocutor, under the onslaught of emotions, has lost touch with reality.

Don't take the "bait"."Bait" are words that have no other purpose than to make you lose self-control, control over yourself and over the course of the conversation. Having lost your temper, you give the reins of government into the hands of a person who is not inclined to look after your interests. All swearing, all insults, all sexist, racist remarks are “bait” designed to distract us from the essence of the labor conflict. The answer to them is simple: "I understand that you are upset, but the work must be done."

Don't give in. Don't fight back. Don't pretend that you even noticed this blow. All it takes is to stick to your line.

Yes. This is hard. The person who is trying to hurt you right now may be cruel. But it is up to you to decide whether his attempts will succeed. It's up to you to decide if it really hurts. By the way, the pain will subside as soon as you achieve your goal: for example, promises to complete work by Wednesday, provide technical support or provide funding. The result is an amazing healer for a wounded soul, and only he, by and large, matters. Of course, if we are talking about work, not love.

09:50 14.12.2015

Any conflict at work can be neutralized with the help of certain speech techniques that will not only extinguish the negative, but also lead to fruitful cooperation. Psychologist Marina Prepotenskaya offers techniques for resolving conflict situations.

Life without conflicts, alas, is impossible: in the business sphere, in everyday life, in personal relationships. Conflict (translated from Latin - "collision") is almost inevitable between people and its cause is often mutually opposite, incompatible needs, goals, attitudes, values ​​...

Someone passionately gets involved in a communication war and tries with all his might to prove the case and win the conflict. Someone is trying to get around sharp corners and sincerely wonders why the conflict is not extinguished. And someone calmly neutralizes the problem without aggravating it and without wasting energy, strength, health.

We should take it for granted that conflicts have been, are and will be, but either they control us or we control them.

Otherwise, even an insignificant situational conflict can develop into a protracted war that poisons life every day ... Most often, the conflict manifests itself in verbal aggression because experiences and emotions are always strong muscle clamp, and especially in the region of the larynx.

As a result, the cry inadequate response, severe stress, emotional involvement in the conflict all more of people.

Learn to resolve conflicts with simple situational speech techniques. In relation to the boss and a colleague of the same rank, strategies are chosen differently, but you need to act only according to the situation. Remember the suggested methods.

Neutralize!

• Awareness of the conflict:first and most main stage neutralization. Learn to rationally assess the situation. At the moment when you realize that it is precisely the conflict that is brewing, in no case do not connect emotions, leave the line of attack. If the situation allows, leave the premises for a while, even if you are in the boss's office. If etiquette allows, you can calmly add: “Sorry, I don’t talk in that tone” or “We’ll talk when you calm down, sorry.” Walk along the corridor, if possible, wash yourself cold water- in order to neutralize the aggression within yourself, at least for a couple of minutes, switch to a number of abstract physical actions.

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• Pattern break: eIf a colleague or boss shows aggression towards you, use a simple touch-switch manipulation. "Accidentally" drop your pen, cough, you can say something completely abstract, for example: "It's so stuffy in our room ..." So aggression does not reach the goal.
• Agree and ... attack with questions! This is one of the ways to break the conflict pattern, when accusations are poured into your address from the lips of the authorities, and, alas, not without reason. Agree on all counts (here it is important not to overplay and control your emotions). And then… ask for help. Say: “It’s hard for me because…”, “I’m very worried, tell me what I need to fix”, “give advice”, etc. Ask clarifying open questions that require a detailed answer - they save the situation.
• Complimentary works wonders. Is the person against you for one reason or another? Consult with him on work issues, appealing to his competence, professionalism (look for all his strengths). It is possible that the incident will be over very soon.
• Sniper technique:pretend that you didn't hear and indifferently ask again. Use inin the event that one of your colleagues deliberately provokes you and frankly offends you with some phrases. As a rule, a person starts to get lost. Say: "You see, you can't even clearly formulate your claims, explain. When you find the words, then we'll talk face-to-face."
• Time to drink tea! Really,many conflicts can indeed be brought to naught with the help of a conversation over a cup of tea. With a colleague who you think has a dislike for you, the best thing to do is to talk frankly and ask a series of questions. For example: "What annoys you about me? Voice? Manner of speech? Clothes? Weight? Let'slet's figure it out." So the conflict is translated into a constructive direction and according to psychologists - this is the most civilized way of behavior. In that situation, if we feel that we are being disliked, it is useful to find a convenient moment and talk heart to heart. Most often, this is how conflicts completely exhaust themselves, and in some cases we also learn to analyze our mistakes.

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• Beat the enemy with his own weapon.You can explode back and win visible victory. But the result will be the same: instead of neutralization - a chronic protracted war: it is hardly worth spending time and effort on this. They can be used to resolve the conflict.

Do not provoke and warn!

It is no secret that often we ourselves are to blame for conflicts. For example, you did not have time to submit an important report on time. In this case, it is best to approach the boss at the beginning of the day and say: "I understand that there may be a conflict, but such and such a situation happened to me." And explain the reasons.

Such rhetoric can prevent the start of a "war". Since the cause of every conflict is some kind of incident or annoying factor, try to figure out what is happening, and in any situation (be it relationships with management, "ordinary" employees or subordinates) adhere to the golden rule of conflictology "I-statement".

• Instead of blaming, communicate your feelings. For example, say: "I feel uncomfortable" instead of: "You find fault with me, you disturb me, you gossip, etc."
• If this is a showdown, say: "I'm worried, it's difficult for me", "I feel discomfort", "I want to understand the situation", "I want to know".
• It is very important to adjust to the experience of the person who initiates the conflict. If this is the boss, say the phrases: "Yes, I understand you", "This is a common problem", "Yes, it upsets me too", "Yes, unfortunately, this is a mistake, I also think so."

It is extremely important to be able to listen and put yourself in the place of a person, to hear not so much what a person says, but to think why he says it that way.

In a boss-subordinate situation, a person can be brought to a rational level of communication by clarifying questions. This is what you need to do if you're being nagged too much.

Are you unfairly accused of being a bad worker? Confidently start attacking with questions: "If I am a bad worker, why are you telling me about this right now?", "Why am I a bad worker, explain to me."

They tell you that you did a bad job - ask what exactly you did not do, clarify: "What exactly did I not do, I want to figure it out, I ask you: answer my question." Remember that the one who asks the questions controls the conflict.

Complementing the image

Remember the main thing: in any conflict situation you must radiate calmness. This will help you:

• confident intonation; avoid notes of arrogance and irritation in your voice - such intonation in itself is conflictogenic. With those colleagues with whom for one reason or another you do not maintain friendly relations, choose a neutral-distance method of communication and a cold tone without false sincerity (and without a challenge);
• the moderate rate of speech and the low timbre of the voice are most pleasing to the ear. In the event that you are talking with a person who does not have sympathy for you, make adjustments to his intonation and manner of speaking - this disposes and neutralizes the desire to conflict;
• a look into the brow zone in a conflict situation discourages the “attacker”. This optical focus suppresses aggression;
• a straight (but not tense) back always tunes in positive tone gives confidence. Psychologists say that straight posture increases self-esteem!

... It's no secret that conflict can be provoked by behavior, manner of speaking, dressing, lifestyle - the list can be continued indefinitely. All this depends on the worldview, upbringing of a person, his tastes, attitudes and ... internal problems.

In addition, there are words and topics that can ignite chronic conflict: politics, social status, religion, nationality, even age ... Try not to touch on "hot" topics on fertile conflict grounds. For example, in a society of women with problems in their personal lives, it is desirable to boast less of an ideal husband ...

You can make a list of warnings yourself, carefully assessing the atmosphere in the team. By the way, if you hear harsh phrases in relation to yourself, put your emotions aside, do not connect to the energy of the aggressor - simply ignore him.

Do you hear outright rudeness? Leave or neutralize, breaking the pattern.

Criticism on the case? Join, say words of support, if the situation allows, switch to complimentary.

Excessive quibbles? Go on the attack with clarifying open questions.

But most importantly, get inner peace. And, of course, never let yourself be drawn into "friendship against someone." Demonstrate confidence, increase self-esteem, work on yourself - and you will be able to neutralize any negative directed at yourself. And, moreover, you will be able to get daily pleasure from your work!

Read at your leisure

• Anatoly Nekrasov "Egregors"
• Eric Byrne "Games People Play"
• Victor Sheinov "Conflicts in our life and their resolution"
• Valentina Sergeecheva "Verbal karate. Strategy and tactics of communication"
• Lillian Glass "Verbal self-defense step by step"

Photo in text: Depositphotos.com

Complete collection of materials on the topic: how to get away from the conflict? from experts in their field.

Ecology of life: There are times when the maximum task is to block and dispel the partner's negative energy. How to do it?

Sometimes there are moments when the maximum task is to block and dissipate the partner's negative energy.

This is when you have in front of you a subject charged with negativity, which this negativity has been cherishing for a long time, nurturing and waiting for someone to spend on.

And here - oops! - that's how you are.

And he has no constructive goal, except to drain everything accumulated and poorly digested onto you, and then leave happy. And it doesn’t matter under what mask the drain takes place: fair parental requirements, or street rudeness, or bureaucratic impressiveness, or tired-chronic marital squabbles.

And it is clear that therapeutic sermons like “you can always find a solution that suits everyone” are complete bullshit and populism.

because constructive solution problem implies that both sides have constructive goals and the willingness of these parties to act constructively.

And this, to put it mildly, is not a trend.

What to do in this case?

As always, it's easier to start with what not to do. Do not do anything that activates in the terminator in front of you, the instinct of a fighter or a pursuer.

That is, you don't have to:

Ignore the aggressor (he turns on the dominant "he considers me an empty place")

Make excuses (turns on the excitement of “breaking through the defense”)

To prove that he is wrong (you put him in a competitive position with a loss of face in case of a loss).

But the "hot ten" methods of working with negative energy partner:

1. KIDNAPPING THE BRIDE. Disconnect from source

Grocery store of the old format, with a counter. A couple of dozen buyers huddle in the hall. Suddenly, attention is captured by a woman waving an open bottle of milk and delivering a menacing speech on the topic "sold sour." The saleswomen are at a loss, attempts to calm the daughter of Nemesis and somehow resolve the situation (return the money, replace the product) are unsuccessful. As the scandal grows, other fighters for justice against sour milk join the prosecution.

What's happening? It is quite obvious that the question is not about milk, the girl simply collects the energy of the hall, and this is a thrill for her. Take it by the elbow, take it out into the corridor under the oaths “to solve everything right now” - and the storm will subside. The cord is unplugged. Any person who, by occupation, works with groups of people, must remember once and for all - no showdowns in public. Lead away, cut off, cut off the conflicting side from the source of power.

One of my good acquaintances, as soon as a “heart-to-heart talk” is brewing with his wife, immediately takes her by the hand and takes her out into the street: “let's go, let's go for a walk, we'll talk there.” Because the apartment in which he lived for a long time, charged with the emotions of the past, is exactly the same energy source. Come out to the park! Unplug the power cord!

2. LOVING DAD. Pity the aggressor

My friend has a daughter of eleven years. To be honest, not a sample of an excellent student, a Komsomol member and an athlete. In short, mom almost always has something to present to her. “There is something to eat, but how to eat it?” Mom almost never manages to clean her daughter's brains. Observed dialogue:

- Damn, Olga, two deuces again! You promised!!

“Oh, Mom, why are you so worried? You can't, you have pressure...

“I’m not worried, it’s you who should be worried about your studies! ..

- Well, you say that you are not worried, but I see that you are worried, but you really can’t ... Well, don’t get upset like that, well, you fool daughter, what can you do ...

In the Loving Dad technique, the main thing is the total sincerity of sympathy. The girl professionally leaves the line of fire, standing next to the shooter and wholeheartedly shows caring and understanding - she just doesn’t stroke her head. “I’m here, I’m my own bourgeois, and there’s some other stupid daughter under fire, how I sympathize with you, mom ...” At the moment when the fire is transferred to her, she easily and gracefully makes a dance step and remains next to the shooter - and again out of range.

3. GOOD INVESTIGATOR. Interrogation with understanding

Another familiar family. The husband is a terrible bore. No matter what the wife does, it's not right. Everything is bad, everyone is dissatisfied.

Lately, he's been behaving pretty well. I ask the “soulmate” - what happened, did you get sick? No, he says, I just changed tactics. Previously, I tried not to notice his claims, I was fastened for a long time - until I tear. It didn't help, it only made it worse. And now I have one reaction to all his presentations: long questions about what he means. And what? But as? What for? Did I understand correctly that you wanted to say that? .. And if I always do this, will it suit you? And if not? And why?

And what, it does not anger him, I ask? And why should it anger him, she sincerely surprised. I want to understand him, so that later I can do it better! It's not my fault that while I'm asking questions, the initiative is on my side?

As she said this, she smiled mischievously.

4. MIND EXCHANGE. Voice someone else's thoughts

One of the toughest and efficient technician. By turning on the "exchange of minds", you simply voice his claims against you for the interlocutor, sincerely joining them. There are technical options:

a) Mirror. Thoughts are repeated after the interlocutor. “You never clean up after yourself! Mom, you're absolutely right! I never clean up after myself, sorry!”

b) Preventive. Thoughts are voiced before claims. “Mom, I understand what you are going to say now. And you are absolutely right. I really rarely clean up after myself. And this is completely unacceptable!”

c) epistolary. “Mom, if you are reading this letter, then you already understood that I left for the club without cleaning my room. This is completely unacceptable, and although I simply did not have time, this does not excuse me at all ... "

c) summarizing. "Yes Mom, you're absolutely right!" After this, the "Robot" technique is turned on (see below).

5. WORKING SESSION. Give the word "adult"

The Inner Adult is our subpersonality, which is focused on achieving the goal and cold calculation. Unlike internal Parent and the Child, the Adult does not consider it expedient to display emotions in a conflict, but operates with results, resources, algorithms.

- So, you again came home after ten! How many times have we talked about this! How many times have you promised! What about your studies? You rolled into triplets! What about your friends? It's a shame and disgrace!!

- So, dad ... I understand, you offer us to talk. But let's not do it on the doorstep, let's go to the hall, sit down and talk. Here... Now come on. Just not in bulk. What do you want to discuss? What time is it now? My study? Or my friends? Let's choose one topic and discuss? But in order to come to some result that suits both of us ...

6. SCALES OF JUSTICE. Compare Alternatives

The technique is simple. Instead of war, barricades and defending your case, you take your own point of view, the point of view of a partner and compare their pros and cons with demonstrative objectivity.

The question is not to find the best solution. The trick is that by doing this, you turn from an opponent into an expert. Another way to move gracefully out of the line of fire. Experts are not fired upon. Usually.

7. SUSANIN. Take away in history

– How could you do that?!

- It really didn't go well. Here I remember one similar case, where everything ended even worse. Somehow an inspector comes to us ...

Even when aggression is shown by a person who is not close to you, it causes confusion and mixed feelings. When this happens in communication with loved ones, it is even more difficult to choose a strategy of behavior. And you can probably remember a few examples of people who are well-versed in such situations and know what to say and how to behave.

Aggression and anger, shown in communication by the interlocutor, in most cases cause negative emotions usually in the form of fear or aggressive response. But some people may be more prepared than others. You can take note of a few tips and learn how to level someone else's aggression.

If an unpleasant episode occurs in communication, for example, someone suddenly considers himself in the right to freely express his anger and direct it to someone who, perhaps, has nothing to do with the cause of its occurrence, it is necessary to stop the interlocutor in time: analyze the situation and determine zones responsible for the aggression. People tend to shift responsibility for decisions made by themselves to others, including because they do not find the strength to cope with guilt and prefer to share it with someone. But this does not mean that you have to agree and "take the hit." In communication, people strive for harmony and support, they are not obliged to sacrifice their intentions by sharing groundless aggression, from which they may still feel uncomfortable for a long time. However, such situations do occur, and some skills in response to aggressive attitude may be useful.

Dr. Barbara Greenberg, specializes in adolescent issues. She offers 10 ways to interact with a hostile interlocutor. The main task here is not to eradicate anger - because it is impossible - but to face it and level it with the help of certain skills.

1. When someone "attacks" you in person or over the phone, it's best to keep quiet until the interlocutor calms down. If there is no threat of force, it works with a bang. When a person does not receive new reasons, anger usually dries up. You could watch how an angry interlocutor is waiting for your reaction, and its absence leads him to a dead end.
2. Can not only listen silently, but also nod "correctly". This also leads to confusion. The next time, the person will think twice before choosing you as a victim, because you are not giving him the reaction that he is counting on.
3. Show empathy. Yes, it seems strange, but that's why it works so well: empathy is an unexpected response to aggression. Tell: " I guess it's hard" or " It's really terrible". But even among the "sympathetic" remarks there is one exception: « I'm sorry you feel so bad". This usually leads to increased frustration and protest, as it emphasizes your well-being, regardless of the state of your interlocutor. So you ignore his feelings. If you want empathy to feel natural, imagine empathizing with a friend in difficult situation and the right words are sure to be found.
4. Change the subject. Ask a question about what the person is good at. Who doesn't like to talk about a topic in which he is an expert? If you do not know such details about the interlocutor, just change the subject or ask a neutral question. People like to talk about themselves - and this should be used.
5. If the aggression is strong and you don't want to deal with it, just go away. Say that you have urgent business and the person is more likely to switch to a different emotion or audience. It is interesting to observe the change in emotional tone with a change in context.
6. Say you're having a hard day and you can't help. You are very uncomfortable, but you just don't have the emotional reserve to help someone. This will force you to reconsider the roles: a person will immediately turn from an aggressor into a victim, and this reduces anger to nothing.
7. if you have psychological resources, try to justify and legalize the feelings of the interlocutor give them significance and assert their right to exist. Don't force it - you don't have to. But if you feel the strength in yourself, then a replica like: “ It would piss me off too" or " Now I understand why you're angry».
8. Take the aggressor in a different direction. For example, invite him to state the situation in writing and thus express his dissatisfaction. This is useful for two reasons: you will move away from confrontation, and your interlocutor will discover new way deal with anger.
9. When angry, they speak quickly. Ask the other person to speak more slowly so you can understand the root of the problem. As the rate of speech decreases, the anger dissipates.

AND FINALLY...

1. Be an example. If you decide to talk, speak calmly and slowly. Ideally, this will affect the person, and he will switch to your “language”. But even if this does not happen, you will at least consciously not play by the proposed rules, and therefore will not become part of the scenario of hostile communication.

Remember that you do not have to tolerate unreasonable aggression from anyone - this list is not created for that at all. Sometimes the expression of anger becomes violent and offensive, and it is so hard for you that you are ready to break off relations with the person. This is understandable, and no one will judge you for such a decision. But you may be able to change a lot and improve the quality of communication if you take note of some of these techniques. Treat them like tools: use them or not - the choice is always yours.