Increasingly, people come to see me who are dissatisfied with themselves and the events of their lives, disappointed with those who are nearby. As if everything around is not good enough for them to be happy about it or be grateful. I see these complaints as clear symptoms of over-perfectionism. Unfortunately, this personal quality has become a sign of our times.
Healthy perfectionism is valued in society because it orients a person towards the constructive achievement of positive goals. But excessive perfectionism is very harmful to its owner. After all, such a person has strongly idealized ideas about how he himself should be, the results of his labors and the people around him. Him big list expectations for oneself and the world, which is radically at odds with reality.
The leading Russian Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov distinguishes two main modes of life: the “mode of being” and the “mode of achievement”, or development. We both need them for a healthy balance. The avid perfectionist exists exclusively in achievement mode.
Of course, this attitude is formed by parents. How does this happen? Imagine a child who makes a sand cake and hands it to his mother: “Look what a pie I made!”
Mother in the mode of being: "Oh, what a good pie, how great that you took care of me, thank you!"
They are both happy with what they have. Maybe the cake is "imperfect", but it does not need improvement. This is the joy of what happened, from contact, from life now.
Mother in achievement/development mode: “Oh, thank you, why didn’t you decorate it with berries? And look, Masha has more pie. Yours is not bad, but it could be better.
With parents of this type, everything can always be better - and the drawing is more colorful, and the score is higher. They never have enough of what they have. They constantly suggest what else can be improved, and this spurs the child to an endless race of achievements, along the way teaching them to be dissatisfied with what they have.
Strength is not in extremes, but in balance
The relationship of pathological perfectionism with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, high anxiety has been proven, and this is natural. Constant pressure in trying to achieve perfection, the refusal to acknowledge one's own limitations and humanity inevitably leads to emotional and physical exhaustion.
Yes, on the one hand, perfectionism is associated with the idea of development, and this is good. But living in only one mode is like jumping on one leg. It is possible, but not for long. Only by alternating steps with both feet, we are able to maintain balance and move freely.
To maintain balance, it would be nice to be able to give your best at work in achievement mode, try to do everything as best as possible, and then go into being mode, say: “Wow, I did it! Great!" And give yourself a break and enjoy the fruits of your hands. And then do something again, taking into account your experience and your previous mistakes. And again find time to enjoy what you have done. The mode of being gives us a sense of freedom and contentment, the opportunity to meet ourselves and others.
The avid perfectionist has no mode of being: “How can I improve if I am indulgent with my shortcomings? This is stagnation, regression.” A person who constantly cuts himself and others for mistakes made does not understand that strength is not in extremes, but in balance.
Up to a certain point, the desire to develop and achieve results really helps us move. But if you feel exhausted, hate others and yourself, then you have long missed the right moment to switch modes.
Get out of the dead end
It can be difficult to try to overcome your perfectionism on your own, because the passion for perfection leads to a dead end here too. Perfectionists are usually so zealous in trying to implement all the recommendations offered that they are bound to be dissatisfied with themselves and the fact that they could not fulfill them perfectly.
If you say to such a person: try to rejoice at what is, to see the good side, then he will begin to "create an idol" from Have a good mood. He will consider that he has no right to be upset or annoyed for a second. And since this is impossible, he will be even more angry with himself.
And therefore, the most effective way out for perfectionists is to work in contact with a psychotherapist who, over and over again, helps them see the process - without criticism, with understanding and sympathy. And it helps to gradually master the mode of being and find a healthy balance.
Learn to say to yourself "enough", "enough". it magic words. Try to use them in your life: “I did my best today, I tried hard enough.” The devil is hiding in the continuation of this phrase: “But you could have tried harder!” This is not always necessary and not always realistic.
Do not forget to enjoy yourself and the day that is lived. Even if now you really need to constantly improve yourself and your activities, do not forget at some point to close this topic until tomorrow, go into the mode of being and enjoy the joys that life gives you today.
About the expert
- Psychologist, Gestalt therapist, trainer of the Moscow Institute of Gestalt and Psychodrama, senior trainer of the Nadezhda Lubyanitskaya Gestalt Therapy Center.
Take a closer look at those areas of life where you do not use your rights, where you are manipulated or not allowed to develop. This exercise will help you develop self-affirmation skills and determine where to focus your energy.
Most self-affirmation materials list personal rights with some variation, depending on the author's interpretation of the topic. These rights are not written on tablets, they do not have the force of law, they are rules based on common sense which help in the self-development of a person and the strengthening of interpersonal relationships.
An important point to remember is that if you have a right, the other person has exactly the same right. For example, you have the right to ask for what you need. The other person has an equal right to refuse you this or to make their own request. If you ignore or grossly violate the rights of another person, this can be considered aggressive behavior. If you ignore your own rights, you do not have sufficient degree, your behavior is passive. A solid "rights system" is built on mutual respect needs, opinions and feelings of each other.
The fundamental right from which all other personal rights flow can be stated very simply: you have the right final decision about who you are and what you do.
Your decision does not depend on the role you play in life, what others expect of you, how you imagine how you should act. This right applies to any area of life: business, public and private spheres.
It's easy to say, just agree, that you have the right to voice your needs and set your own priorities in order to take full responsibility for every aspect of your life, but it's probably not that easy to put into practice. Think a little about what this means. Most likely, in order to do this, you need to change your concept of personality. It is equally difficult to recognize the rights of other people.
An exercise
Consider the rights listed below, based on the work of several authors. Analyze each item separately; Make a note next to the ones you are having trouble with. Think also in context. For example, you find it easy to ask for what you need in most situations - whether it's your boss, employee, or friend - but it's hard for you to do the same with your partner, parents, or children. Or maybe you find change more intimidating than inspiring. And while every person has the right to change and develop, there are elements of your personality that are holding you back - or you are letting other people slow you down. personal growth.
Basic rights of every person
- To be accepted as an equal, regardless of gender, race, nationality, age or physical condition.
- Feel respect for yourself.
- Make decisions about how to spend your time.
- Ask for what is needed.
- Ask for an opinion about their productivity, behavior, appearance.
- Be heard and taken seriously.
- Have own opinion.
- Hold certain political views.
- Cry.
- To make mistakes.
- Saying "no" without feeling guilty.
- Defend your interests.
- Set your priorities.
- Express your feelings.
- Say "yes" to yourself without feeling selfish.
- Change your mind.
- Sometimes fail.
- Say "I don't understand".
- Make statements that do not require proof.
- Get information.
- Be successful.
- Stand up for your faith.
- Adhere to your own value system.
- Take time to make decisions.
- Take responsibility for your own decisions.
- Have a private life.
- Confess to ignorance.
- Change/evolve.
- Choose whether or not to get involved in other people's problems.
- Don't take responsibility for other people's problems.
- Take care of yourself.
- Have time and space for solitude.
- Be an individual.
- Request information from professionals.
- Don't depend on other people's approval.
- Judge your own worth.
- Choose what to do in a given situation.
- To be independent.
- Be yourself, not what others want to see.
- Don't make excuses.
I hope you have already begun to look at those areas of life where you do not exercise your rights or where you are manipulated or prevented from developing. It must be admitted that this exercise is a long and hard work above yourself, but it will help you determine where you need to focus your energy and develop new skills of self-affirmation.
Finding out which personal rights you have difficulty with is only the first part of the task. Remember that other people have exactly the same rights.
Read the list again. What other people's rights are you violating? How do you manipulate other people to get them out of your way?
Remember that self-affirmation has two sides: respect for the rights of others and respect for your own rights.
Sue Bishop
psychologist, dean of the College of Nursing & Health,
university North Carolina, specializes in techniques for developing assertiveness.
The material is published in an abridged translation from English.
Comment on the article "Self-assertion: the right to be yourself"
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This is not self-assertion, but emotional vampirism. The people are truly respectful. If the day is on public display, do I have the right to express my opinion?
Discussion
Here you stepped on the same rake 150 times.
And offended ...., well, ridiculously.
They put their house on public display (the cat should be my fortress, as it were), themselves in a nightgown on a disassembled bed, etc.
And you want to get everyone's delight from this? So that they don’t discuss, and don’t watch who doesn’t need it.,
Show yourself only to your friends, hear only what you want, in the eyes of at least.
beautiful day, beautiful children, you are young, everything is still ahead! very good.
I wanted to ask you there, but I'll ask here: do you drink all these vitamins on what basis? did they diagnose themselves and prescribe them preventively, or what?
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Kutuzov was extremely pleased with what was happening: finally, his style of warfare was appreciated! It is a pity, really, that the first to do this were the enemies, and not the compatriots! The field marshal informed de Lauriston with pleasure that not a single envoy of Napoleon would be allowed into Petersburg with a letter to Alexander, he, they say, would himself inform the sovereign about the French peace proposal. In a reply letter to Napoleon, written a few days later, he mockingly complained that "taking into account ...
Discussion
“What terrible, destructive wars will follow my first retreat!” === Perhaps Napoleon understood that in the event of his defeat, England would come out on top, and in Anglo-American capitalism, the natives are all who live outside the known islands ( c) with all the consequences. And, as we see from history and from the news, Napoleon was not mistaken.
Napoleon finally lost his nerve. Having turned onto the Smolensk road, he began his retreat in the same way that he had come to Russia === And what was left for him? There is nothing to winter the army with, in Moscow all the food that they could - they took out, what they couldn’t - they burned, Kutuzov does not let him go on the Kaluga road, it’s impossible to conclude peace. So the Frenchman had to retreat to the places already plundered by him.
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You have the right to ask to see them. Or go to a personal meeting with a teacher (judging by the description, it’s hard for her to see who yours is, well, I don’t really understand what her self-affirmation is. She is an accountable person. The magazine is periodically checked not only by head teachers, but by higher ones ...
Discussion
It seems to me that for such situations there is a class teacher.
Come on, I'm 10th grade)
4 triples in a quarter in different subjects)
It's all right, I'm not crying!
Just explain that there are bad moments in life, which you need to get used to.
Nothing else.
In my opinion, maybe I’m wrong, you shouldn’t run ahead of the engine. If the child knows about adoption, then you can probably collect some information about it. I agree that curiosity is not the most “healthy”, but self-affirmation has nothing to do with it :45:21
Discussion
When issuing a child from the DR, we were given an extract from the Home Book where all the relatives living in this apartment are listed, as well as the home phone number and the phone number of the address where the child was seized.
I keep it in documents. But what would go and see. Leave, for what? What will it give me? Even though we are from the same city...
Normal, of course. But I would personally spend that money on something else. More necessary.
BILL OF RIGHTS (drafted by People Against Violence 1968-1990) PERSONAL RIGHTS Every person has unofficial, personal rights. They are different from legal ones. Some do not understand that each person has individual rights, and violate them. When this happens, we cannot turn to the law to protect our rights. We can only rely on ourselves and our own abilities. In order to protect ourselves more effectively, it is important for us to know what our personal rights are. EACH...
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Before the nanny starts work, in addition to necessary information, which you should certainly tell her (see the list in the previous post), you can also formulate your requirements for her, clearly define her duties and thus minimize misunderstandings. Based on my practice, as well as analyzing the experience of other mothers, I have prepared another interesting list. 1. Work schedule. Write down which days of the week are working, the number of working hours per day, or perhaps ...
no, no, he has the right not to do as his wife sees fit .. I think if he was given freedom in this regard, then his wife would not have a problem leaving the child with dad :) 17.01.2011 10:47:26, Elena D. Self-affirmation?
Discussion
Normal, normal, almost all of them.
01/21/2011 03:30:16 PM, ZaMashkaTo me, the division "one is removed, the second with a child" seems very logical, in fact. Choosing a bed for a child is fun :) I don’t know why you are so upset, in my opinion, a quite good walk around the shopping center with visits to other shops and food courts could work out. Well, they chose the bed themselves, the one that you and the child like - what's wrong?
In fact, you just need to agree in advance. IMHO
You edited the message :)) I'm not in conjunction with Antyur, I just have such a point of view, it has the right to be different from yours. Why these big words? Where was on and at the expense? It was about self-affirmation, about on and off you started talking. 26.01.2009 21:34:16, Antur.
I'm talking about something else ... My husband and son are not too talkative. Just partisans, the right word. Your husband knows that you don't need anyone but him. it is self-assertion at the expense of the weak. and you are a mother and a woman - understandable. and the son is important to you and the husband. you and your husband sit down and talk like this...
Discussion
You know what I think ... the son sees that he is in the first place for you, and the husband is in the second. That is, he understands that he can demand from you a divorce from dad, but dad will never demand to send him to his own bio-daddy. The son of the house is the owner - and dad is like a bird. Here is my IMHO. And sorry if I offended you.
01/17/2008 20:11:45, from no one :)From a book about teenagers: they have a desire to do in defiance of their parents, and it is precisely in the issue that is especially important to parents (and the same "does not work")
It turns out something like this: if it is very important for a mother that her son looks decent, then he will walk around uncombed, haphazardly dressed and in tattoos. If parents are very hard at school, then the child will "score" on it. It is desirable not to have a "war" on important issues, but to give an outlet to the child somewhere else ... For me, it’s better if it’s not combed :) Or it’s not vacuuming in defiance ... I’d better “score” on his studies and say that these are exclusively his problems, how he studies ... I already have my education and I don’t have to wash toilets for a penny; so I "do not care" what he plans for himself there. Like, this is his own business, how he will continue later ... By the way, it works well for me when he worries about his studies. I don’t even ask for grades, I don’t praise much, I don’t “know” what is asked, etc. And nothing, as long as everything is going fine ... Maybe you are overprotective?
Would everyone have flared up with righteous anger towards the nanny? or not? I think the character (I have such relatives) and a kind of "tricks", "whims", maybe self-affirmation - that's what I'm irreplaceable (or I slander).
Discussion
maybe off topic, but what for the second gave birth, since everything is so complicated then?
Judging by the tone of the message (IMHO sooooo deeply personal), you decided to give up and transfer your son.
And if I'm wrong and you decide NOT to give up, then you probably know what you should try to do.
If I were you, I would still decide not to change schools and, as a result:
1. I would continue to look for a nanny (I was looking for my nanny for a very long time. Not that I would be picky, just the agencies did not offer ANYONE. I found it through the job search site. Moreover, I posted the vacancy myself, and did not look for a resume),
2. would quit a part-time job (I don’t think they pay millions)
3. and would take the older one to school in a car with the younger one. Of course, it will not be very good for her, but not on the bus.
Don't tell me it's going to be difficult - I know it myself. I took my eldest to classes when the youngest was 3 months old - and fed there and washed, etc.
But think about it, you still have to send the youngest to school. And what, she will also go to the nearest school?
For the first time I seriously thought about divorce. And there seems to be no reason, but I got tired of being the object of my husband’s self-affirmation. Silly and Nastya are right that last conversation with her husband caused only a feeling of disgust. Such a line of conversation will lead to nothing. Although ...
Discussion
when a year / two years ago I blathered plumply in the conference - even then, I thought that you would get divorced.
For someone, your husband is happiness (you think, he is lying on trifles, gosssspadii ...), but not for YOU.
>Does my husband value our relationship?
You will be surprised, but yes. YES! Your husband appreciates them. In his own way :) It is possible that he even believes that he VALUES them and that he does everything like a good husband. BUT! It is supposed (from his point of view) - YOU value more. And many of his actions are clumsy and unconscious attempts to manipulate the child, who thinks that he is an adult, independent, independent, indulges, pulls his mother .. but he needs - MOM'S attention. And even receiving it, he still continues to indulge, because. wants to demonstrate that it doesn’t hurt, then he is interested in his mother’s attention, like I’m not small!
Why am I using the example of a child - so clearer and almost no need to exaggerate :) Of course, your husband is not a child, and you are not his mother, but .. the scheme, IMHO, is the same.
You will divorce only on YOUR initiative. Almost EVERYTHING in your marriage suits your husband, especially when you calmed down and stopped at home "showdown".
Do you think that your spouse did not feel that you were a little "broken off" yourself. Do you know how SUCH type perceives such actions? SHE VALUES our marriage! Aha .. so there is! Found the button! Flexing..
And not / ala Leshy / - oh, my wife has gone part of the way, and I need to move forward to meet her.
He is weaker than you. In that important elusive inner strength. From this, and a stupid petty lie, and a desire in small things, but to be asserted .. You have not yet accumulated ATTENTION, from how THIS IS SIGNIFICANT for him. You still don’t even know what SMALL offenses he has in his head on your account .. Wait a minute to get a divorce :)) The glass is half ..
Krrroche, IMHO - do not drive horses, calmly get ready when you completely "cool down" .. then you won't even ask for conf:) Go and give it.
09/03/2004 22:47:53, N. toyou have a different idea of \u200b\u200bwhat a family means and what it means to relax, despite the fact that you also have something in common, it is this dissimilarity that brings everything to nothing in your eyes. I don’t even know what to advise here, I understand how hard it is to give in all the time or even “break” myself (although I never understood why) for the convenience of another person, sooner or later there comes a moment that it seems that everything, I can no longer everything good is somehow forgotten .. For some reason it seems to me that if it weren’t for the child, then you would completely live somewhere autonomously (as your husband used to), not really needing each other’s company, so occasionally, at night :) And the child kind of makes you be closer friend to a friend, at least you think so, but the husband does not think, he does not want to change even for the sake of the child, there are such people, nothing can be done about it .. If it is so difficult for you morally, then a guest marriage is quite for you, you will not strain his optionality and lies, tk. he will not need to lie to you, you will rely only on yourself and will not consider who owes what .. Try it, you don’t have to get divorced right away ..
Hee hee ... then I said, "and here is the piano in the bushes" and took out the conclusion of the court, moreover, already translated into English.
