I-concept is our sense of identity. This is mental image, a person's perception of his individuality, his abilities, knowledge, competence. This is a kind of "theory of one's own self", which may very little coincide with reality. Self-concept is based on individual interpretations of ourselves, based on our experience and the assessments of other people. The self-concept includes ideas about own body, the social component, correlated with the sexual, ethnic, civil perception of oneself, as well as knowledge about oneself in comparison with other people and a sense of one's own uniqueness.

When is the self-concept formed?

Self-concept is formed with the accumulation of a certain experience of solving life tasks and when receiving assessments from other people, and above all from parents. The role of the first experience is very important for the formation of the self-concept. For example, if a teenager is rejected on their first try to date, they may later consider themselves unattractive to the opposite sex. When we have a positive experience, then there is confidence that we have those personal qualities that we associate with this experience. So, for example, if Katya remembers faster and better English grammar than her brother, then in her self-concept she will consider herself competent in matters of English grammar.

What is the difference between self-concept and self-esteem?

Unlike the self-concept, self-esteem- not so much an interpretation as our assessment of our own competence and value. That is, self-esteem is not only how well or badly we do something, but also what value we attach to this within our value system.

Self-concept and self-esteem directly affect the style of our communication. A person with a well-developed self-concept is able to better understand himself and his own needs. Man with high self-esteem more active in communication than a person with low.

To what extent do these feelings influence our behavior?

Our self-perception influences our behavior much more than our actual abilities. For example, a person has the skills and competence to become a leader. But he will not show them when the need arises, because he believes that he does not have the ability to do so.

However, our self-esteem and self-concept rarely reflect who we really are. The gap between misperception of self and reality is called incongruity.

Unfortunately, for many women, self-esteem directly depends on the entire love sphere. From how men react to them. From the presence or absence of a partner. In the opposite sex, this problem is less common, although it also happens.

In the bedroom, neurotic women assert themselves, negotiate, bargain, and do many other things that have nothing to do with love or pleasure. I have no questions for women who just can't get into bed with unfamiliar person. Both sexes have such individuals - they are not attracted to those whom they met just a few days ago. To have sex, they need to feel trust. “Sniff” a person, understand what kind of person he is. This is fine.

Problems are women who constantly say "no" to themselves. They invite strangers they met a couple of hours ago on Tinder to play the game "Conquer Me". Such women treat men pragmatically. They set themselves the goal of finding a partner to solve their problems. Married or proposed, as the girls say, " serious relationship". They turn intimate life into a bargaining chip, and his body into a commodity. And even if they really want to have sex, they do everything possible to prevent this from happening. They deprive themselves of pleasure, because "otherwise he will treat me like cheap stuff." And after all, we are talking about normal, living people who have desires and a body to which quite definite needs are attached. Such women come home after a date and masturbate.

running case

There is an even more severe form of neurosis. These are women who use sex to restore their self-esteem. They "dynamite" just to "run" after them. And they need it just to patch up their wounds, to feel desired, to feel that they are worthy of love. And when men get involved in this game, they start courting, such women feel confident, strong. This gives them an imaginary feeling that they are loved and accepted.

But the saddest thing is that both sides understand everything perfectly. Women are aware that they are being chased for sex. Men see that they are required to act, and dig their own grave. Everyone understands what will happen next: a man will get sex and disappear, and a woman will again feel unloved and unnecessary. And he will start this game called "win me" again ... with a new partner. And so on ad infinitum.

Where does it come from?

There are several reasons. First, education. And now I'm not talking about families where girls were taught that "sex is dirt and debauchery." I'm talking about those who were taught not to consider their desires. Whoever was told that you need to be comfortable, you need to like it. Who were deprived of the opportunity to make their own decisions. Who was not asked what they want for breakfast, where they dream to go, and further down the list.

Certainly, big role plays and parental suppression. Some were kissed on the ass, carried in their arms, adored and praised. Such girls grow up into women who, as a rule, have no problems with self-esteem. And others were popularly explained that "a crooked nose", "hands grow from one place" and in general, "who will marry you with such a character." Not having received unconditional parental love, they go out adult life and begin to look for it in everyone they meet. Here is the result.

start living

I am not urging anyone to urgently start sleeping with everyone, but I am talking about something else. The fact is that a problem with sex is a symptom, an indicator of a problem with all life. With the way you treat yourself. How do you realize your desires, how do you express yourself, how do you build relationships with others.

Finally, begin to reckon with yourself. Listen to what you want, not what you think they want from you. Learn to say "no" when you don't want something. Stop "trying to please" with all your might. Do not compare yourself to others and do not look for confirmation of your attractiveness outside.

Start the day with what you really want: from breakfast and makeup to the route you take to work. Little by little, things start to change.

- And who are you?

— I something? I am a photographer-stylist-coach-journalist-producer. And what?

Adequacy is such a thing that, as it were, exists, but it may not exist at the same time. After all, where one will surely raise thumb up, the other doubtfully twists the index at the temple.

To make matters worse, we live in a time of astonishing freedom of self-identification. Today it is easy to assign any identity to yourself and, without hesitation, go ahead, calling yourself anyone. Many well-defined professions have simply disappeared, or are rapidly disappearing before our eyes. Every year new ones appear - hybrid, derivatives.

As the saying goes, "every gopher is an agronomist!". And there's nothing you can do about it, and you don't have to.

But after all, it does not happen that without consequences. And they in this situation are "seasonal loss of contact with reality" (a phrase by Alexander Gerasimov). In other words, there is not adequate perception yourself and feedback from the world.

I will illustrate this problem little life sketch.

When I was in Cyprus during the workshop NLP course, under our windows almost every evening there was a concert, where singers - animators gave a performance for vacationers very out of tune and not getting into notes. The "concert" ended only at eleven in the evening. During this “concert”, I usually went out for a walk along the sea and admired the sunset, or went to bed comfortably, tightly closing the balcony door and windows. To not hear.

It's not that I'm an expert in music... Behind me is just a musician and Czerny's etudes for seven years in a row. Not that I have the right to judge... No, of course not! Everyone is free to express themselves however they want. But the ears, my native ears are not made of iron!

But for some reason these people decided that they were musicians. Somehow they proved to themselves that they are singers.

This situation has become a reflection for me. What then is “adequate self-perception”? What are its criteria? Is this very adequacy the key to success or an obstacle to it?

And I came to this conclusion:

Whoever we consider ourselves to be in this life, in order to understand whether this is true, we always need proof of and confirmation. Moreover, they should always be internal, so external.

Internal confirmations is what we think of ourselves. A set of memories (the more the better) of what we were successful at. Inner conviction and clarity in answering the question “Who am I?”

External confirmations is what other people think of us. Their opinion about who we are in their understanding and how much we are in demand by the world as who we claim to be. In other words, it is feedback from the world.

It happens that inner conviction is much more than external. For example: you consider yourself a writer, but the people around you are not ready to consider you as such, no matter how hard you try.

It also happens differently when there is much more external conviction than internal. That is, those around you are vying to tell you that you are a writer! And that they are waiting for your books or articles. But you refuse and disagree, and not at all out of modesty, but because of the inconsistency of this title with your internal criteria.

Not that I'm hinting at your inadequacy. But you must admit: in both cases, the imbalance is obvious. And this story is clearly not about success.

So how do you understand?

For the most part, it's pretty simple. include observation.

And this means:

• Determine for yourself the internal and external confirmations that will let you know if you have become what you want to be;
• Be attentive to feedback from both the inner and outer worlds;
• Equalize distortions in your system;
• Strive to ensure that there are as many external and internal confirmations that you are who you say you are!

For since "they called themselves a loader - climb into the back" and "respond for the market." So that later it would not be “excruciatingly painful for the aimlessly lived years” (c).

All the adequacy and its attendant success!

One of the most important concepts by which a person can define own attitude to yourself, is the concept of self-esteem. What is it? Self-esteem is an attitude and feelings towards oneself, a person's idea of ​​himself, both in general and in certain moment time. Self-esteem is manifested in the behavior of each of us.

Any person's life can be full or empty, they can feel the joy of life or be broken by sensations. own uselessness. Unfortunately, in everyone's life there may come moments when a person feels tired, uninteresting, offended, unable to love. There are many scientific concepts who use professional psychologists to determine self-esteem, which sound completely lifeless, look sterile. It is easier for people to express their feelings and sensations with the help of a metaphor and, with its help, it is easier to understand other people.

There is a metaphor used by many, "cauldron", which is used when self-worth or self-esteem is meant. Where did it come from and what does it mean? She took from ordinary life. The psychoanalyst's family had a cauldron on the farm that was used by everyone who needed it. Mom was cooking soup in a cauldron. At the height of the threshing, the cauldron filled with stew. At other times of the year, my father kept flower bulbs in it. Anyone who wanted to use this cauldron should have asked: what is it now filled with? How full is it? When will it be possible to use it? So it is with people, with their soul, consciousness, feelings. Self-esteem is the ability of a person to honestly, first of all, for himself, with love and dignity to evaluate himself. The one who is loved is open to the new. The most important thing that happens inside each person and between people is self-esteem, the personal "cauldron" of each.

A person whose self-esteem is high creates an atmosphere of honesty, responsibility, compassion around him, he feels important and necessary, he feels that the world has become better because he exists in it (it is not for nothing that there is such an expression "what is in me, then outside", which is used and applied by many teachings, religions, practices). He trusts himself, but is capable of difficult moment ask for help from others, but he is sure that he is always able to make decisions on his own, to make deliberate actions. Just feeling your own high value, a person is able to see, accept and respect the high value of other people, he inspires confidence and hope, he does not use rules that contradict his feelings. At the same time, he does not go on about his experiences. He is able to make a choice. And his intellect helps him in this.

He feels own importance constantly. Of course, life puts before him challenging tasks when a state of temporary fatigue arises, when problems suddenly increase and require their solution, when life forces you to make great efforts simultaneously in many directions, the self-esteem of such a person may decrease. However, he perceives this temporary feeling as his own result of the crisis that has arisen. This crisis may be the beginning of some new opportunities. It is clear that during a crisis you feel not in the best way but a person with high self-esteem does not hide from difficulties, knowing that he will overcome them and maintain his integrity. Feeling inferior is not the same as feeling low in self-worth. In fact, the second of these feelings means that you are experiencing some unwanted experiences and are trying to behave as if they did not exist at all. You need to have a high enough self-esteem to accept the experience of failure. People with high self-esteem may also feel inferior. However, because of this, they do not consider themselves hopeless, and do not pretend that they do not feel anything like that. They also do not pass on their experiences to others. It's natural to feel out of place from time to time. best form. This is very big difference- whether you lie to yourself that everything is in order or admit that there are difficult times that you need to cope with. Feeling inadequate and not admitting it is deceiving yourself and others. By denying your feelings in this way, you begin to underestimate yourself. Everything else that happens to us is often the result of such an attitude towards ourselves. As long as it is only an attitude, it is necessary to try to change it.
In order to feel more confident, you can do a simple exercise: relax, close your eyes and focus on own feelings. What do you feel? What happened to you or what is happening at this moment? How do you react to what is happening? What do you feel about your reaction? If you feel constrained, relax your body and follow your breath, then open your eyes, you will feel strength in yourself or your condition will simply change into better side. This exercise gives stability to your position and makes your mind clearer.

You can do the following exercise with your family members. Choose a partner and tell each other how you feel. It is necessary to listen to each other and thank, without giving any assessments. You need to do this exercise as often as possible with people you trust. Now tell each other about what helps you feel at your best, and what, on the contrary, reduces faith in yourself. As a result, new perspectives may open up in relationships with people with whom you have lived all these years. You will feel that you have become closer friend friend, take a more realistic look at yourself and your family. When you have finished this exercise, allow yourself to tell what happened to you just now.

A child comes into the world without a past, without any ideas about how to behave, without criteria for self-esteem. He is forced to focus on the experience of the people around him, on the assessments that they give him as a person. For the first 5-6 years, he forms his self-esteem almost exclusively on the information that he receives in the family. Then at school other factors influence him, but the role of the family is still very important. External factors tend to reinforce high or low self-esteem that the child purchased at home:

A self-confident teenager successfully copes with any setbacks at school and at home;

A child with low self-esteem, despite all his successes, is constantly tormented by doubts, one slip is enough for him to cross out all previous successes. Every word, facial expressions, gestures, intonation, timbre and volume of voice, touch and actions of parents carry messages to the child about his self-worth. Most parents do not even realize what exactly the meaning is contained in these messages to their child.

You can do the following experiment: in the evening, when the whole family gathers for dinner, try to feel what happens to you when other family members turn to you. Of course, there will be many remarks that will not cause any reaction. However, some may cause a feeling of self-worth or worthlessness. It all depends on the tone, facial expression of the interlocutor, on the time when this or that phrase was uttered, or maybe they interrupted you, while expressing complete indifference to your intentions, it is important here how you feel about yourself. As dinner approaches the middle, look at the situation differently. Listen to what you yourself say to your loved ones. Try to put yourself in their place and imagine how they feel when you talk to them the way you usually do. Do you help your loved ones feel that they have your respect and love?

Tell them about your experiment the next day. Now propose. Everyone to take part in it. And after dinner, discuss what you noticed and felt. A sense of self-worth can only be formed in an atmosphere where any individual differences where love is expressed openly, where mistakes serve to gain new experience, where communication is frank and trusting, and rules of conduct do not turn into frozen dogmas, where personal responsibility and honesty of each is an integral part of the relationship. And this is the atmosphere of a mature family. It is not surprising that children in such a family feel needed and loved, grow up healthy and smart.

Children from dysfunctional families often helpless, they grow up in an atmosphere of strict rules, criticism, constantly waiting for punishment and do not have the opportunity to feel personally responsible for anything. They are at high risk destructive behavior towards themselves or towards others. Them internal potential remains undisclosed.

Similar differences in self-esteem are seen in adult family members. If the family does not influence the adult's self-image, then the parents' self-esteem strongly influences what type of family they will create. Parents with high self-esteem are more likely to form a harmonious family. Parents with low self-esteem are likely to create a dysfunctional family. The system of relationships in the family depends on the parents. Work experience convinces that all the pains of a person, his problems, and sometimes crimes are the result of low self-esteem, which people could neither realize nor change.