We love animals: play with them, watch them, comb their fluffy fur. And it doesn't take a genius to understand how big the gulf is between us humans and animals. We are not better or worse, but simply made from a different test. Why did a person become a person, at what point did it happen? Although we also need food and shelter, many of us think a lot about life, about why he lives.

In addition, people have aspirations, desires, set goals, try to achieve them. And why are people so different from each other if they all have the same roots? Someone is smart, someone is beautiful, and someone is deprived of both. How to become happy and not miss your chance in this life? Let's talk about it in this article.

Oh those people!

We will probably never know the answer to the question of why man became man. According to Darwin's theory of evolution, we evolved from apes. But why did it happen? Let's imagine the following: even if the monkey changes, becomes upright and becomes bald, will he think?

Will he wish wealth and success for himself, evil for enemies, and health and happiness for his relatives? People differ from other creatures living on Earth in that they know how to think, work, set goals and strive to achieve them. However, even here they differ from each other: some think a lot, others do not, some work, and some parasitize. People differ not only from animals, but also from each other, and so much so that sometimes it seems that they were born in completely different ways. But are we really so different from our relatives?

On purpose and purpose

One of the most important properties, which unites all people on Earth, this is what we exist for.

It doesn't matter which God you believe in or whether you believe at all, you must have thought at least once about the meaning of your life. Why were you born, what should you do and what should you strive for? Certainly not in order to work all my life at a boring job and do uninteresting things. And not in order to save and then die one day and take nothing with you. But why then?

That's what we live for - to find meaning. It doesn't matter if the insight will ever come or not, whether it will be a clearly formulated thought or just a feeling. Gaining life experience various feelings- that's what it's all about. Why did a man become a man and realize himself? In order to improve, gain new knowledge about the world and become wiser and more conscious. And in what family you were born, what you look like, what you have a penchant for - these are just conventions. Live, do what you like, communicate with those who are close and dear to you, and you will fulfill your destiny.

Why are we so different, but still together?

And who said that we, people, are different? We are accustomed to opposing ourselves to others, to believe that we are different.

Learn to accept

In fact, we are all evolving. Every person changes throughout life. And don't believe those who say otherwise. It is for this reason that people "become strangers." That is, your close friend did not become a stranger, just as a result of natural changes, you cannot or do not want to recognize the old person in the new personality. Believe that no one can become a stranger to you. But we do not always like the changes that happen to someone, and we are not always ready to accept them. Hence - rejection and rejection. How to be in this case? There are only two options - to accept or not. Either you accept the inevitable changes and get to know a new person, realizing that he is no worse than your old acquaintance, or communication is reduced to nothing.

Leroy and I have been friends for a long time, since kindergarten, then studied in the same class. So all these stories happened in front of my eyes.
I'll start in order. Lera has always been, on the one hand, a very open, kind and honest girl, but she didn’t let anyone offend herself, she had a feeling dignity. Her peers and teachers loved her very much. But in the family, relations were not very good. Grandmother Vera did not look for souls in Lera, she was her first, eldest granddaughter. But her aunt (Aunt Katya), for some reason, from childhood, took a dislike to Leroux and always tried her best to humiliate her in front of all relatives and friends, even in front of her daughters Yulia and Dasha.

The fact is that Aunt Katya and her sister - Aunt Lyuba (Lerina's mother) always considered her lower in status - it even came out purely implicitly. Aunt Lyuba worked as a simple librarian since she was 10 summer education, and Aunt Katya graduated from the university and then worked as a deputy. head of a department at one of the Gorky plants, and later became a leader. Lera always did not like the behavior of her aunt, her snobbery, arrogance and categoricalness. Because of this, there were often skirmishes between the niece and aunt. But it is known that in adolescence people react to such things especially sharply. So Lera, when she was 15 years old, began to express her indignation to Aunt Katya about her attitude towards herself and her mother ...

However, with her cousins ​​​​(Julia is 6 years younger than Lera, and Dasha is 10 years younger) in her childhood, her relationship developed normally ....
But this is only a brief prehistory of everything that happened next ...
When Lera got married, her grandmother Vera decided to give her a wedding gift - to register her in her apartment. Aunt Vera really wanted her eldest granddaughter to inherit her apartment, so that she and her husband would have their own house where they would raise their children. This was back in 1988, when the grandchildren and children registered in the apartment had the right to inherit ...

But other times have come. Moreover, Aunt Vera had already died by that time ... And Lerina's aunt was very angry that Lerka would get the apartment, and not her daughters, apparently her niece, in her opinion, did not come out with a snout, they are more worthy! She began to put pressure on her sister Lyuba so that Lera and her grandfather Petya would privatize the apartment and register ownership of it. It was 1993, when privatization was just in its infancy and few people still understood all the legal intricacies of this procedure.

But it turned out that the apartment was privatized in equal shares, which meant that everyone was the owner of one-half, that is, not at all in the way that Aunt Katya expected. After all, she hoped that in this case, her grandfather would write a will for her and the apartment would go to her children (as she wanted). It didn't happen on purpose. It’s just that when the grandfather and granddaughter came to privatize the apartment, they were asked the question: “Would you like to privatize in equal shares?” Logic told both that everything should be exactly like this ...

But in this, apparently, there was also some kind of divine providence ....

In general, Aunt Katya was very angry with her grandfather that he did this, and even more so with Lera, because she always has her like a bone in her throat!

Lera then realized what her aunt was counting on. But Grandma Vera did everything from pure heart, she wanted to leave the apartment to her beloved granddaughter as a memory of herself!
My friend and I had a lot of conversations about this. In general, Lera was in a twofold position - on the one hand, she greatly valued the will of her grandmother to make her heiress, and on the other hand, she was not comfortable in front of her cousins. Therefore, she believed that in this situation it is necessary to look for some reasonable compromise. I advised her to talk to her mother first, what she would advise her on this matter.

Aunt Lyuba asked her daughter not to raise this topic before her relatives, because at that time grandfather Petya was still alive. And Lera completely agreed with this - that's right, with a living legitimate owner, it is extremely unethical to conduct such conversations. Time will tell and judge.

But then, not entirely adequate actions began on the part of Aunt Katya: then she began to drip on the brains of her sister Lyuba, that Lera, they say, was not helping her grandfather, but was applying for his apartment. She began to induce her daughter Yulia to go to her grandfather to clean up. But Lera always did it to the best of her ability and never refused. Then she already began to express that Lera was very cunning and flirted with her grandfather so that he would write off the apartment for her. Lerka had no such thought in his head. On the contrary, she wanted everything to be honest, because in the end she is the official owner of ½ of this apartment and this is only her (even if the grandmother’s will be fulfilled in this), and after the death of her grandfather, the apartment can be sold and the money divided to be honest, so be it.

Aunt Katya began to incite grandfather to complain about his health and asked Lera and her husband to live with him. Grandfather, by the simplicity of his soul, did so (he did not understand that this was just the intrigue of his very enterprising daughter). Lera agreed and said that she and her husband would soon move in with him. But Aunt Katya, without hesitation, settled Yulia with him, referring to the fact that she had just entered the institute and she had to study a lot. And what, in fact, did she miss in her parent's 3-room apartment, where she and Dasha had their own 13-meter room, where each had their own desktop ?! As far as I know, Dasha did not take noisy companies home, and by that time she herself had begun to think about entering the institute and studied a lot. So I don't know what she could do to prevent Yulia.

Most importantly, my aunt did all this behind her niece's back. Lera did not like this, and she shared her indignation with her mother. Aunt Luba, wanting to smooth sharp corners, said that it would not be for long, just let Yulia get involved in her studies. And Aunt Katya seemed to have changed towards Lera. I started talking to her in a friendly way, making presentations. Lera simply did not want scandals, although she saw everything perfectly ...

But one day it happened that my grandfather went to the hospital for an operation. Aunt Katya, without hesitation, hinted to her sister Lyuba that now he would need constant care, but Yulia would not be doing this, because she needed to study. To which Aunt Lyuba told her that she and her husband (Uncle Vitya) would take grandfather to them. And so they did. And suddenly they began to let tenants into grandfather's apartment, again without informing anyone about this.

Leroux was already very outraged by this and she really wanted to talk about it with everyone - with her aunt, with her grandfather, with her mother and with Yulia openly, but her mother again insisted that she did not do this, because nothing would come of it except scandal. Lera herself was never a fool and understood that things could easily come to this, but at the same time it was necessary to somehow resolve the situation. Then Aunt Lyuba promised her to settle everything herself. How can you not trust your mother?

But it didn't end there. Aunt Katya also quietly persuaded her grandfather to sign a donation for his half to Yulia. Upon learning this, Lera even considered that it would be better later on and they would find a compromise solution with her sister. However, Aunt Katya continued to let lodgers in, and grandfather still lived with Aunt Lyuba (but that's okay too, after all, he lived with his daughter!).

In 2006, grandfather Petya died. In the same year, Julia got married ...

I remember in the spring Lerka came running to me all crying. It turned out that again behind her back, Yulka and her husband moved into her grandfather's apartment without permission. Lera could no longer restrain herself and expressed all her grievances about this to her mother, and at that moment her aunt was at her place and heard everything. Here it immediately became clear her true attitude towards her sister and niece. Aunt Lyuba told her that Lera is the owner of half and can also claim her share. To which Aunt Katya said: “To me, too, the contender, damn it !!! Throw 10 thousand to her and that's enough from her!!!

Of course, I understand that the housing issue is a very sensitive thing, especially in our modern world. But after all, relatives somehow need to find a compromise between themselves, because these are native people! Is it really better to tear pieces out of each other's mouths than to settle everything quietly and peacefully?! After all, from the very beginning Lera was for this! And at that time it was still possible to get something from the sale of a 2-room Khrushchev apartment and profitably invest your money in other real estate. Why do relatives think that they have the right to solve their problems at the expense of other, less significant relatives for them?! to myself long time I have worked in the real estate industry and similar stories I've already looked to my heart's content!...

In general, one way or another, Yulia had to have a serious talk with Leroy. Yes, it seems that Yulia did not want to particularly spoil relations with her cousin. They decided that Lera would take her half in monetary terms, but at the same time (as if between the lines) it was said that Aunt Katya did not have that kind of money.
But Lera knew that Yulia's husband, Volodya, being an entrepreneur (and quite successful at that time) could afford to buy ½ of the apartment. But he was going to buy it for himself. OK. After all, they are husband and wife. Lerka (kind soul!) also knocked off half the cost by almost 2 times - her sister is Yulia after all! We agreed to give in parts, wrote a receipt.

And then these crumbs had to be literally scratched out with claws. Vovka has one excuse - there is no money yet. Why not at least try to get a loan? AT general relationship with Lera's sister, because of this, they deteriorated greatly. And then it turned out that Yulia and Vovka did not have a life - they separated and Yulia was left with 2 daughters in her arms and alimony from her husband. He lives with another woman. Julia now cannot forgive Lera for her crippled life.

Is it Lera's fault? After all, she always wanted the situation with her grandmother's apartment to be resolved honestly, so that no one would be offended.

Looking at all this, you don’t know who is to blame, who is right in such a situation. After all, after the collapse of the USSR in our society, everything turned literally upside down. Everything that was previously considered indisputable has been questioned. For example, if earlier it was customary to respect the opinions of elders, now they respect the opinions of those who are more successful in life - in business, in politics, in a career, etc. Money and position in society are at the forefront. Relegated to the background are important qualities like kindness, compassion and selflessness. Increasingly, the common phrase began to flash: “These are your problems!”.

So Lerin's story is now already, from the position of the present time it can be interpreted in different ways. Who is the victim here? Yes, maybe a little. But it’s just a pity that because of apartment disagreements, relations between relatives are so spoiled ...
To be honest, I believe that if the “golden calf” rules in society and purely material gain, then this society does not expect anything good. That's why there are so many now sad stories when relatives - seemingly close people become each other worst enemies, offended friend friend for the rest of your life.

LUCHEZARA ZALESSKAYA

Relatives, distant and close, loved ones and not so much ... Why do relationships sometimes develop in such a way that relatives become enemies until the end of their days? Why, in general, are close people, relatives by blood, capable of inflicting the most acute pain?

Yes, relatives are not chosen. Yes, they can and should forgive a lot, turn a blind eye to their shortcomings, neglect minor misunderstandings in order to prevent a quarrel from breaking out. And every time we do not get tired of being surprised by nature, which gives an incredibly strong blood connection, often becoming destructive.

There is another type of relative that we choose ourselves - the people with whom we marry and their families. Here genetics and blood have nothing to do with it: every person has the right to consciously choose such relatives for himself and there is no one to blame in case of conflicts, except himself. But it turns out that such relatives can inflict no less acute pain, and relations can develop far from the most friendly.

That's interesting: conflicts with strangers are forgotten quickly, and it is so difficult for a relative, a loved one to forgive insults. Theoretically, it should be the other way around, but in reality it turns out that way. Not only psychologists, geneticists, doctors and scientists are trying to solve mysteries human behavior, but also esotericists, psychics, astrologers. All of them wonder how much the family or spiritual connection of people influences their relationship.

There is a theory that the people around us are actually witnesses of our sins and shortcomings. And this is precisely what we cannot forgive them, because it is much more difficult to be hypocritical with them. Many close people have known us since childhood, respectively, they know and weak sides, moments that I would like to hide, so as not to experience a sense of shame and humiliation. It turns out that our grievances against relatives are nothing more than ordinary hypocrisy and pride, because we so want to seem better than others.

And each of us so wants to be proud of our relatives, so the desire to idealize a relative is understandable. In fact, it turns out that we begin to demand appropriate behavior and attitude from imaginary ideals, but this is not the case and a conflict occurs. The law of contradiction is triggered, which contains the meaning of “reverse happiness”. For example, if a mother could not be a good housewife and devoted her whole life to herself and her career, then her daughter will definitely become a mother of many children, who will have enough attention for each child. A father with a Ph.D. in sciences may have a child who is stupid and has no desire for education. This is how ideals and stereotypes can play the opposite role. It is quite clear that in such cases there will definitely be conflicts, grievances, claims.

Relatives are not just people with whom we have to put up or fight, they are also an environment that can shape our worldview, our inner world, our mentality. Feeling like a person who has “kind and tribe”, we become stronger. But that is not all. Native people need each other for education, which everyone does not like so much. And education is part of the care that relatives should provide, because care is the key to happiness and well-being. That is why education is a correction of behavior, thoughts, desires. It's a big responsibility to make a decision about someone's happiness, but it has to be done because the one who cares feels responsible. Age, position in the family, reputation, life experience or related hierarchy. Yes, sometimes making a decision can be fateful and fundamentally wrong, but this is the second question.

And yet, relatives feel like a flock, a clan and urge us to delve into traditions, culture, family foundations. They impose such behavior that is accepted in the family, they force them to do what is accepted in the family, they demand to behave as they allow. family laws. This often causes conflicts, but this is the strength of kinship - in traditions, culture. What a contradictory position is obtained ...

All this is normal! That's the way it should be. You just never get to calmly obey or listen to advice. Any remark is perceived with hostility, a catch is sought out in it or hidden meaning, but from loved one everything is perceived more sharply. Here is resentment, here is misunderstanding, here is another snowflake that can form a huge snowball leading to a complete break in relations.

Considering a person as a living organism on Earth, which instinctively strives for reproduction and a healthy kind, scientists have derived the theory of kin selection. The fact is that relatives have common genes that dictate behavior in the name of saving the family. So, forgetting about the danger, the parent rushes to save the child, or, when it is necessary to make a choice, the parent will prefer death. Or the parent will take fire on himself to distract the enemy. Thus, the younger generation must remain alive, which will live and multiply. Accordingly, the transfer of genes has taken place and the population will be preserved. This is why descendants take precedence over previous generations.

The study of this issue began more than half a century ago, when people began to study genetics at the level of population conservation. Moreover, it has been noticed that common genes are so strong that a person is able to fall into a state of passion in critical situation, when we are talking about saving an individual with common genes, i.e. - relative.

If you carefully follow the chain of conservation of the genus, and also transfer it to family relations, then the following conclusion will turn out: people care about their neighbors in order to have guarantees own well-being. Left alone, a living individual does not survive. And since the laws of the pack dictate their conditions, and the first of them is reciprocity, then people expect a return from their good deeds. In fact, even bad deeds affect both sides. No wonder they say that evil returns.

At the same time, no duties or kinship debts are prescribed anywhere, prescribing the care and care of relatives. All this is done solely from conscious and moral motives. Relatives love each other or quarrel - all this comes from themselves and from their subconscious fears or desires. Yes, at the same time, speculation in relationships, blackmail are possible, but this can be attributed, rather, to the evolved behavior of a rational being - Man.

But the behavior of a rational being sometimes defies logic. A mother can love a bandit son, and a son can hate his father for his will. But what about the mind, which should prevail over the instincts? Sometimes it also happens that relatives are the first to rush away from the trouble that happened in the house, instead of helping morally or physically. Yes, they may not be taken seriously, or simply not heard, but in this case the human factor is triggered: to avoid stress, which has destructive force because it comes from relatives.

And close people, for example, within the family, are left face to face with misfortune, problem, shame, but continue to love their children or parents or brothers. It is believed that this is no longer an instinct, but a cross that must be adequately carried through life, because family ties- it's sacred.

Of course, reasonable people learn to build relationships in such a way as to avoid conflicts and irritability. In this case, we are talking about the average gender, not burdened with moral or physical deformity, without asocial or moral deviations.

Everything related to harmfulness, aggression, intolerance towards loved ones has long been studied by psychologists. And they claim that the negativity towards our relatives is a sign of insufficient love on their part. It is clear that it is so nice when you are loved; but it is even more pleasant if there is confidence in the love of relatives. Subconscious fear and insecurity in their feelings give rise to rejection and aggression. That's why smile and good word instantly cool the hottest ardor of discontent. And it's not all about education. It's about human psychology.

The inability to be sure of the love of the family gives rise to vicious character traits - dominance, cruelty, desire for excitement. A person tries to establish himself on the side, because at home he fails to feel important and necessary. That is why it is so important not to tyrannize your loved ones for any reason, but to once again say about your love and tenderness. And you can even say nothing, just love and trust - it will become clear from actions and behavior. And sometimes even a look without words can be fatal for a loved one.

At the same time, people love and accept their loved ones for who they are. It does not matter that they have flaws or characters leave much to be desired. Since everything is comprehended in comparison, then, looking at the fate of other families, we understand that not everything is so bad. This is life by inertia, methods of self-consolation, but this is not the most the best way relationship with oneself and family. It’s just easier to put up with it… But even then you can object: “What to do? Relatives cannot be born back and not re-educated, genetic code do not rewrite. So you have to try to find the pros and turn a blind eye to the cons. Just to make it easier for yourself. The human psyche cannot constantly process the negative, willy-nilly there are positive sides.

But as for the chosen relatives, i.e. spouses and family reunification, everything is more complicated here. The point is that the most big mistake humanity - to hope to educate and re-educate a spouse for themselves. It's horrible! It is so stupid to count on the fact that it will turn out to change a person, his nature, habits, character. Yes, and it's pointless. It only leads to inevitable conflicts, misunderstandings, quarrels and, after accumulated grievances, divorce. A natural result, and it’s not at all the husbands who are to blame, who leave, unable to withstand the lectures. It's nature taking over.

After the conflict, grievances begin to interfere with the re-selection of a couple. The fear of experiencing resentment again, from a person you trust, turns out to be stronger than the instinct of reproduction and procreation. Gradually, these subconscious fears can be transferred to blood relatives. As a result - isolation, unwillingness to open up, trust, communicate.

What then true friendship, trust, happiness? Isn't this a myth that people believe in and that gives an incentive to exist? Of course not. There are quite happy families which are built on love, respect, trust and mutual understanding. They know how to really weigh the advantages and disadvantages in order to be able to evaluate their neighbor. If necessary, it is not a sin to bend, yield, remain silent, give the opportunity for freedom, albeit inconvenient and unprofitable.

Such people do not have to be hypocritical, they do not think that they can be misinterpreted or slandered. Simplicity, naturalness, no hypocrisy and tension. This is happiness. And this is the merit of everyone who can be considered happy.

Ecology of life: When emotional break and alienation in the family become the norm. In an ideal picture of the world on weekends, holidays...

In the ideal picture of the world on weekends, vacations and holidays for one huge, still desirable round table, parents, children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters gather and listen to each other's successes. In the perfect picture. But not real.

Over the past five years, researchers have increasingly begun to pay attention to new phenomenon - emotional rupture and alienation in the family . And, in their opinion, this is not unusual.

In truth,alienation comes to replace negative attitudes , although it is often misinterpreted. But as people begin to share their stories, it becomes clear that this phenomenon has a place.

It is naive to believe that the relationship between parents and children is eternal,- this is as naive as believing that everyone on this planet has a half with whom he will live happily ever after until the end of his days.

Farewell, relatives!

Myth 1. Alienation occurs suddenly

In fact, this is a long process, and not some kind of phenomenon that occurs overnight. Relationships between children and parents break down over time, not overnight.

Kylie Aglias, an Australian who wrote Family Alienation in 2006, found that decades could pass. Accumulated resentment and pain undermine a person's trust.

A study by Dr. Christina Sharp of the University of Utah, published last year, showed that adult children distance themselves from their parents in many ways:

• some just leave;
• others do not try to live up to expectations, like, for example, a 48-year-old woman who did not communicate with her father for 33 years and refused to come to his hospital and funeral;

• still others decide to keep communication to a minimum. For example, another survey participant, 47-year-old Nicholas Mack, began to move away from his parents and siblings 10 years ago. especially complicated relationship he was with his father, who made family and holiday dinners seem like torture. Over time, Mac stopped going home for the holidays, and his father said he no longer considered him a son.

Myth 2. Alienation is rare

Another 2014 study of 2,000 Britons found that 8% of those surveyed had cut off all contact with their families, and 19% of them reported that other members of their families had done the same.

Myth 3. There are clear reasons why people become strangers to each other.

Various factors influence the emergence of alienation.

In 2015, Dr. Aglias conducted a study of 25 Australian parents. Their children cut off all contact with the family. Why?

Aglias singled out three main categories of causes.

1. In one case, a son or daughter had to choose with whom to communicate - father or mother.

2. On the other hand, children and parents did not have the same values, and the former believed that their fathers and mothers were being punished in this way.

3. Also, survey participants noted such factors as domestic violence, divorce, health problems.

One woman told Dr. Aglias that she stopped communicating with her son and daughter-in-law after one family dinner. She asked her sister-in-law to bring a special dessert, and she baked a regular pie. The mother-in-law considered such an act a sign of complete disrespect.

True, this was more of a trigger. According to Aglias, this woman believed that her daughter-in-law did not take good care of her son and did not allow her to see her grandchildren.

Myth 4. Alienation occurs at will.

In the same study, 26 adults surveyed named There are three main reasons why you stopped communicating with your parents:

• violence (both psychological and sexual)
• betrayal (withholding secrets, for example),
• methods of education (Some parents tended to constantly criticize their children, shame them, or make them scapegoats.)

Often these reasons were not mutually exclusive, but overlapped.

Nicholas Mack, for example, said that his parents constantly left him to babysit younger brother and sister. In the end, he decided not to have children of his own.

In 2014, he married a girl he had been dating for a long time. They planned to sign at City Hall.

Mack considered whether he should invite the family because his brother had previously married. His wedding was traditional, with a wedding and other attributes. But at the celebration, Mack's father did not let him make a congratulatory speech.

Nicholas was worried that his father would arrange something similar this time, so he decided that he did not want to see his relatives at such an important event.

The fact that their son got married, Mac's parents found out on Facebook. One of the brothers told Nicholas that he was very offended by this decision. And his sister and father made it clear that they no longer want to communicate with him.

The connection with Mac is maintained by his second brother, they mostly communicate in the messenger, but they prefer not to remember their relatives. published . If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet