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Personal boundaries- this is a zone of one's own psycho-emotional and physical comfort, which in the consciousness of a person and his environment acts as a number of restrictions on this person, contributing to the personal safety of a person, clear ideas of where "I" ends and "not I" begins. These boundaries protect the intimate component of a person - his personal space.
Description and formation of a person's personal boundary
The formation of personality occurs from the moment of birth of a person and continues throughout life. Along with the personality, a personal boundary is formed. The term "personal boundary" in psychology is compared with a line, a protective membrane or a rim that allows you to distinguish between "I" and "non-I".
In general, personality is a multifaceted entity, therefore the personality boundary also has some spatial dimensions (according to S.K. Nartova-Bochaver):
- Awareness own body and its borders. It is formed in infancy, when the child begins to separate himself from his mother. Formed own "I". The presence of such turns in speech is traced: “I am a boy!” or "I'm a girl!"
- The need for personal space. Occurs after about 3 years. Means clearly marked boundaries of space that belong only to this person. For a child, this is most often his own bed, room, place at the table, etc.
- The presence of personal belongings. The need arises after 2 years, when children begin to understand where their toys are, and where others are. Personal things characterize the individuality of the preferences of the individual.
- Personal time. The concept of personal time is usually formed from the age of 7, when the child begins to attend school and a certain time regime is formed. The presence of this component reflects the orderliness of all dimensions of the personality boundary and allows you to designate the scope of their application.
- Community connections, alignment interpersonal relationships . They are formed from birth on the example of communication with the mother and other family members. They represent the process of entry of "I" into the territory of "not I", distinguishing oneself in relations with others.
- Tastes and preferences. They are formed from preschool to primary school age and allow you to more clearly define your "I" in the world around.
The process of forming personal boundaries is a correlation of knowledge about oneself and ideas about the world around, as well as the construction of such an interaction strategy that implies complete personal harmony in the designated circle of rules.
Varieties of personal boundaries in relationships
At the very beginning of a relationship, personal boundaries are strictly observed and rarely violated without prior agreement. But the longer the relationship lasts, the more you get closer and the less pronounced the boundaries of the personality become.
Only during contact with others can one feel and test the limits of the existing framework, but we can measure them only where we come into direct contact with them. And the points of contact are various fields relationships.
In this regard, there are the following types personal boundaries in relationships:
- Physical - the level of the body and its sensations.
- Psychological - feelings, emotions, meanings of the individual, which are individual.
- Spiritual - a circle of religion and self-development in the knowledge of the world.
- Social - the level of subordination, personal closeness in communication, obligations to others.
Each person has his own understanding of his own body, special personal experiences that are intimate. Belief in someone or something is also a personal characteristic. Sense-forming factors that determine the behavior of the individual are also purely individual.
Thus, under the guise of a border, we understand the circle of ideas and meaning-forming factors within the framework of personal space which characterizes a particular person. For example, if a person is not used to communicating with strangers “on “You”, and they begin to treat him like that from the first minute of meeting, he begins to experience discomfort or even anger, which signals a violation of the subordination of communication - social boundary personality.
But it is worth remembering that all types of boundaries change only by a person independently within the framework of his consciousness! Therefore, at the beginning of a relationship, it is worth talking about what ideas and preferences your chosen one (s) has in matters that are important to you. This moment will allow us to avoid many conflict situations and strengthen relationships by showing non-indifference.
Signs of violation of the personal boundary in a relationship
Observing personal boundaries, you can harmoniously build relationships, taking into account the characteristics of each person. But there are a number of people (despotic, narcissistic, selfish) who do not always take into account the personal boundaries of others. In a relationship, they rudely violate the boundaries of personality of any kind, while not experiencing much remorse.
In normal Everyday life Difficulty distinguishing boundary violations in a relationship from emotional overstrain or other psychological manifestations anxiety. However, there are a number of signs that indicate that your personal integrity is being violated.
Violation of the personal boundary in a relationship is revealed by the following signs:
- Negative emotions, feelings when interacting with specific person, irritation or displeasure from his words or actions;
- An impulse to act that is contrary to your principles / rules;
- Neglect of one of the characteristics of personal space that protect personal boundaries (disrespect for personal time, careless handling of personal belongings etc.);
- Offensive statements from another person - disrespect for the individual as a whole;
- Harassment of your body or inconsistent touching.
Very often, the violation of individual boundaries occurs accidentally or unconsciously, due to the lack of knowledge about them. In this case, the person will ask for forgiveness for the discomfort caused and will try to find out the boundaries of acceptable behavior in relations with you, filling in the gaps in the idea of \u200b\u200bthe partner.
However, there are cases when illegal actions are committed intentionally. This is a manifestation of deep disrespect for the individual and its integrity, despotism and authoritarianism of an encroaching person who does not want to reckon with the personal boundaries of another. Any kind of borders are violated, the most serious is the violation of borders physical body(harassment intimacy, for example), for which criminal liability is provided for in the legislation of any state.
At the time of the formation of personal boundaries (in preschool and junior school age) it is very important for parents to be sympathetic to the personal preferences of their child and try not to interfere with the development of the child's individuality. In the future, a small personality will form the realization that personal boundaries exist not only for him, thus respect and tolerance towards other people will be brought up.
Violation of personal boundaries takes place at the beginning of a relationship with another person and requires an explanatory conversation. If discussions do not help and your boundaries are violated unprincipledly, then ending the relationship will be reasonable. After all, health is above all, both physical and psychological. If the child's personal circle is violated, it is worth remembering that this violation can act as a catalyst for psychological trauma with which you and your child will have to live.
How to maintain personal boundaries in a relationship
Entering into a relationship, each person is looking for everything in a partner in which they are similar. This will allow building and developing interaction. In work, this is a common labor activity, in personal relationships - similar semantic factors (faith, ideas about relationships, family values, family ties).
But sometimes people are so carried away by this similarity that they completely forget about their individuality, the boundaries of personality become blurred, indefinite, or completely erased. A person lives with the ideas, thoughts and feelings of another person. Therefore, it is very important to preserve and designate personal boundaries at the very beginning of the path.
To tell your position, you need to clearly represent it in your mind. To do this, it is recommended to write the rules according to which your relationship with a specific person will be built, with the subparagraphs “Allowed”, “Permissible” and “Forbidden”.
"Allowed":
- You can call me "You" (social boundary);
- I like holding hands (physical boundary);
- Joint walks (social border);
- Cash payment at your expense (social border);
- I do not like topics about cars (psychological border).
- Consensual sex (physical boundary);
- Living together with my parents (social boundary);
- You can express what does not suit you in a relationship with me (psychological border).
- Profanity in my presence (psychological boundary);
- Sex or physical touch when I don't want to (physical boundary);
- Offensive statements about my parents/relatives (psychological boundary).
So, the ways to maintain a personal boundary in a relationship include:
- Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Compromise is possible, but rather as an exception than as a rule.
- Designation of personal boundaries to a partner by any convenient way: conversation, the method "on the contrary" (how not to do with you), recording on any medium (paper, video, etc.). The most important thing is the accessibility of the presentation without hidden meanings.
- The presence of the main attributes of a personal boundary: personal time, personal things and their protection.
- Harmony with yourself. If there is a feeling that the border should be changed - do it!
- Preservation of a personal circle of contacts. You should not communicate only with your partner's acquaintances, this can cause "dissolution of your boundaries."
- Spiritual and mental development. The more developed a person is, the more elastic and mobile personal boundaries become.
- Dreams, desires and personal meanings. Motivation determines our aspirations, this allows us not to lose ourselves.
The problem of personal boundaries is very acute at the stage of the emergence of relationships between people and can either be solved or aggravated over time. Knowing the signs of violation and ways to maintain a personal boundary, everyone can maintain their integrity and individuality by building harmonious relationships. The main thing is to want it!
Many people, for various reasons, do not know how to build healthy psychological boundaries in relationships. They either merge with a partner or set up rigid barriers that prevent them from achieving true intimacy. Let's look at the main motives that drive you when you build unhealthy boundaries.
3 types of psychological boundaries of personality.
Psychologists who study problems of establishment psychological boundaries, distinguish 3 (three) main types of barriers (boundaries) between individuals in relationships.
3 types of psychological boundaries.
Blurred psychological boundaries in relationships.
Blurred or fuzzy psychological boundaries between personalities arise when each individual entering into a relationship has unformed personality boundaries.
Relationships of this kind in psychology are called unhealthy fusion or codependency.
There is only one example healthy relationships with blurred psychological boundaries - this is a fusion of the first kind between an infant (up to 2-3 years old) and his mother.
Examples of unhealthy blurry borders:
- when a mother talks about her 20-year-old son: “We went to the army”, “We got sick”.
- "Relationships", Savior and Victim.
- The relationship between husband and wife, when, for example, the wishes of the husband are perceived by the wife as her own. Think of Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride.
- The inability to say "yes" or "no" in communications between people.
Impenetrable psychological boundaries in relationships.
If in the case of blurred boundaries it is not clear “where am I and my desires, and where are you and yours”, then impenetrable psychological barriers, on the contrary, are so impenetrable that individuals simply cannot communicate normally with each other.
A person with impenetrable psychological boundaries became so overlaid with barriers that he became like a cold and impregnable fortress, surrounded by ditches and spikes in stone walls.
Such a person is closed, does not share feelings and desires openly. Rejects closeness and intimacy in relationships. It is impossible to communicate normally with such a person, there is a feeling that you are communicating with a wall.
Healthy psychological boundaries in relationships.
Rarely seen. Since most of us grew up in co-dependent families, we copy patterns of setting unhealthy psychological barriers.
Explains and demonstrates well healthy psychological relations with healthy boundaries "The Gestalt Prayer":
"I am me. And YOU are you.
I do my thing and YOU do your thing.
I did not come into this World to meet your expectations and ideas about me. YOU did not come into this world to meet my expectations.
And if we MET - it's great. If not, then it can't be helped.
F. Perls 1951«
Thus, individuals with healthy psychological boundaries have and are aware of the boundary between "I" and "YOU", which allows you to establish relationships based on love, intimacy and intimacy.
They value and respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of their relationship partner.
Motivations that hinder the establishment of healthy boundaries in relationships.
Let's take a closer look at all those false motives that prevent us from establishing healthy psychological boundaries in a relationship.
Fear of losing love or being rejected.
Under the influence of such fear, people say “yes”, and then internally resent it. This is the predominant motif of the "martyrs". They give in order to receive love and respect in return, and if they do not receive them, they feel miserable.
Fear of anger from others.
Because of old wounds and barriers not repaired, some people can't bear to have someone on top of them. It is easier for them to make concessions than to endure. loud voice interlocutor or someone's "arrival".
Fear of loneliness.
Some people give in to others because it seems to them that in this way they will be able to "win" love and put an end to their loneliness.
Fear of breaking the established idea of love.
The assumption that if they refuse, the other person may experience a sense of loss.
It often happens that people who have not properly dealt with their own losses and disappointments, give in because of excessive sympathy. Every time they have to refuse another person, they feel his sadness. And moreover, they feel it to such an extent that that person did not even dream of. They are afraid of hurting, and therefore it is easier for them to agree.
CONCLUSION: To establish healthy psychological boundaries, you need to learn that first FREEDOM, and only then SERVICE.
Take care of yourself and your needs first, love yourself first. And only then, love and care for another person.
If you serve to get rid of fear, you are doomed to failure.
If a person gives from abundance, then he receives great reward. If he gives from a lack, then he deprives of love not only himself, but also another person.
Write in the comments , what type of psychological boundaries from the three described are you now building. What motives drive you when you agree against your wishes?
I am sure you will give many examples from own life when you failed to say "no" and build healthy psychological barriers. When you give out of lack, out of fear of losing love.
If you need help setting healthy psychological boundaries, contact the author of this blog.
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We often have to deal with intentional or accidental invasion of personal space. To save peace of mind and psychological comfort, learn to build boundaries in relationships and behavior.
When we pronounce the word "border", we mean some kind of barrier that separates one from the other. The concept of "psychological boundary" is interpreted by psychologists as an understanding of where you end and where others begin. This applies to people of all ages, both children and adults.
There are several basic types of psychological boundaries:
- physical - restrictions relating to the body (violation of such frameworks - blows, inappropriate touches, attempts at physical proximity from strangers);
- spatial — restrictions that help a person to realize himself as a separate organism;
- personal space also belongs to the type of psychological restrictions. It implies a "comfort zone" in which we feel protected: an apartment, a room, a favorite chair;
- property - restrictions that relate to personal items (an example of a violation is a person's encroachment on your personal hygiene items or clothing);
- emotional - restrictions regarding mental health(we feel them especially keenly when someone starts screaming, putting pressure on pity, trying to humiliate, asking provocative questions);
- temporary - restrictions that are activated at those moments when our schedule is disrupted (for example, you regularly wait for a friend who continues to be late, showing disrespect).
Only we ourselves can set our psychological limits. You can interrupt unpleasant conversation, tell a person "stop" when he wants to touch you or impose his society.
For awareness of personal space, you can do exercises or read thematic literature. A few books in this area:
- John Townsend "The Limits of Personality: Reloaded";
- Jenny Miller, Victoria Lambert Personal Boundaries. How to establish and defend them”;
- K.A. Bochaver, S.Yu. Bochaver " Living space families. Unification and division".
Violation of personal space can lead to mental disorders, so value yourself, take care of peace. Each of us is a person with the full right to the harmony of the soul with the body.
It is widely believed that all psychological problems drawn from childhood. Psychologists confirm that this is actually the case. If in childhood parents tried to artificially impose their opinion on you, infringed on your interests, directed your actions, then adulthood you may have trouble setting personal boundaries.
The study of childhood problems should be dealt with only with a qualified psychologist. Parents may be advised to start encouraging their child's independence from an early age.
One of the first children's "perestroika" that affects the formation of personality is the crisis of bipedalism. This period begins at a time when the baby learns to walk confidently on two legs, he is naughty, trying to defend his independence.
Adults should stay close, but at the same time give their offspring the opportunity to take the first steps on their own, and then fill their first bumps. No matter how hard it is for you, try to recognize that the child is no longer completely dependent on you.
Further more. From the crisis of three, and then seven years, you also can not escape. Variation in behavior elementary school student also applies to crises. Try to be attentive to your child, do not put pressure on him, let him defend his personal space, establish contact with the outside world, otherwise you risk losing his trust.
For many people with a healthy psyche, they are flexible: what we can allow relatives to communicate with us, we do not allow outsiders.
However, there are those who have too "strong" boundaries, not allowing anyone into their lives. Such a strategy is erroneous, as is the search for too close contacts with everyone in a row, which people with "thin" frames are prone to. You must build such a policy in dealing with outside world that will not let you give in to your life principles but allow for reasonable compromises.
Before you start working on psychological limitations try to define them for yourself. Here are some popular ways to set personal boundaries:
- learn to say “no”: you can’t go along with everything and you don’t have to do something that will create additional complexities and inconvenience for you (remember that refusal is not tantamount to rudeness);
- define your life goals and beliefs that you won't sacrifice;
- learn how to defend responsibility to yourself: understand that everything that happens in your life depends only on you, so it’s worth getting out of the role of a victim and taking action.
Each of us has the right to the inviolability of those psychological boundaries that he saw fit to establish. After you realize your role in this world and understand what is right for you, you can easily build a single strategy of behavior and come to harmony in life.
If speak about psychological side boundaries is the awareness of where “I” ends and “others” begin. Physical boundaries are easy to define - if we see a fence, then it encloses something that belongs to someone. Psychological boundaries are a little more difficult because they define who I am, who I am, who others are.
It is important that if there is a border, then there is something inside this border, some certain space.
There are several types of psychological boundaries. Most often, one person violates several types of boundaries at once, so it is necessary to notice all violations and stop them in time, protect your boundaries.
And today we will talk about what types of psychological boundaries exist.
1. The boundary of the physical body is the skin. This is a physical boundary, but I'm talking about it from a psychological standpoint.
This border is violated infrequently - this is a blow, restriction of freedom, rape and murder. This happens when all the others are broken, so here the consequences are the most gloomy.
2. The second boundary is spatial. Sometimes they talk about it as a "second skin". It doesn't match with physical boundary and develops throughout life. She suggests that there is something valuable inside that needs to be protected. At the same time, it provides the opportunity to manifest oneself in the world, but does not allow one to invade the boundaries of other people.
3. The next frontier is personal space. This is a kind of “comfort zone”, where a person feels calm and confident.
Remember where and under what conditions you feel calm and confident? You have ? Was there such a space in childhood? Such a place is necessary for a person, its absence entails psychological problems.
4. Ownership. This is a legal term, but I am talking about it in a psychological aspect.
Consider a life story. The girl owns a two-room apartment. A friend came to live with her from another city, who was going to move out as soon as she finds a place to live. As a result, the cohabitation lasted several months, and when the landlady could not stand it and expressed everything directly to her friend, she heard insults and insults in response.
This story is an example of property rights violation.
Do you have such a limit? It can be expressed, for example, in the presence of one's own cup at work. Do you have such a cup? Do they ever take it? And what do you do when they take it?
5. Emotional boundaries. If a person raises his voice, humiliates his personal dignity, or allows himself to express unacceptable emotions in front of him or speak out about third parties, this is a violation of emotional boundaries.
Each of us has the right to defend our border - to say “stop”, to ask not to talk about this topic anymore, to wish not to hear it.
For example, in America, during employment, personal matters are prohibited, as this also violates the emotional boundary of a person.
And you were asked questions like “Are you married?”, “Why are you not married?”, “Are you going to have children?”? How did you feel during these moments? How did you react?
6. Time limit. How long do you wait for your girlfriends to meet? How long can you stay at work? Do you allow yourself to be late? Is it customary in your family to respect other people's time limits? These questions can help identify violations of time boundaries.
Exists three types of people who violate our boundaries:
1. The first type is people who have some idea of personal boundaries, albeit without psychological justification. They respect these boundaries, but when under stress or conflict, they will reluctantly break those boundaries.
2. The second type are people who do not know and do not respect boundaries, but they do it unconsciously, and not because they are evil or harmful. Such people were not taught respect for boundaries as children, and most likely their parents also have no idea about boundaries. This most often occurs in families where it is not customary to give the child a separate protected space (his own room or the ability to lock the door).
3. The third type is manipulators. Conscious manipulators who know what they are doing. And they deliberately cause discomfort and pain to those around them. Sometimes the manipulator even knows that it would be worth changing, but it seems to him that other ways of interacting with people are much more difficult. Therefore, most often the situation remains as it is. Because there are so many manipulations in our surrounding life.
Why do you need it? Have you figured out which of your boundaries are being violated? Which ones are violated most often? Do you understand why you need to protect and protect your borders?
There are a few important points in our interactions with other people and boundaries. First, we set our boundaries. Secondly, we protect them. Third, we respect the boundaries of other people. Well, either we don’t install, we don’t protect and we don’t respect.
It is impossible to simply take and establish boundaries once, like a line with chalk on asphalt, because those who will encroach on these boundaries will constantly appear. It is always necessary to establish and defend your boundaries.
