Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding

Codependency is often misunderstood. This is not just a label that society hangs on the wife of an alcoholic. The phenomenon of codependency embraces wide range behaviors and thought patterns that cause mental distress varying degrees intensity.

codependency

I hope this article will clear up some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you better understand it.

1. Codependency is a reaction to trauma.

You can develop codependency traits from early childhood ,as a way to deal with violence, chaos, or dysfunction in the family. As a child and being in stressful situation, you have learned that maintaining peace and tranquility by caring for others, denying your own feelings and trying to control everything around - they are ways to survive and cope with the frightening and unpredictable life at home.

For some people, the injury can be hidden, almost invisible. Even if you had a “normal” childhood, you may be experiencing “generational trauma” if your parents or close family members passed on their own patterns of response to traumatic experiences.

2. Codependency is full of shame.

Psychologists define shame as an intense, painful conviction of a person that he is imperfect, flawed, and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families come to the conclusion early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have told you directly, calling you dumb or worthless, or you may have received this message when they blamed you for their own problems.

We know that addictions, violence or mental illness leave a stigma so we are afraid to admit these problems to ourselves.

Shame grows when we cannot tell others about our difficulties, we feel lonely and inferior, as if these problems are our fault and a direct consequence of our shortcomings.

We come to believe that we are not as good as everyone else, and this belief is further strengthened if others treat us badly, reject us, or abandon us.

3. Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people's problems, feelings, and needs.

Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and distract from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process.

Relationships turn into obsessions so that they are difficult to break even when you realize that they are unhealthy. Your self-esteem and feeling personal identity based on relationships.

You may be asking yourself, “Who am I and what will I do without my husband (wife, child, or parent)?”. This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which you are not sure who you really are.

4. Codependent people are very sensitive to criticism.

Codependent people are overly sensitive. Their feelings are easily hurt and they face huge amount pain, shame and criticism in your life.

We do everything to avoid the displeasure of others. We go by the wayside to make others happy. We try to stay "small and inconspicuous" as long as possible so as not to draw attention to ourselves.

5. Codependents are overly responsible.

Codependency is the glue that holds families together. We need to make sure the house's rent is paid, the kids go to the basketball club, and the windows are closed so the neighbors can't hear the fights and screams.

Most of us were very responsible children who took care of our parents, siblings, household chores and schoolwork without parental help. We find it easier to care for others than for ourselves. We gain self-respect when we feel responsible, reliable, and hard at work.

But we pay for it high price when we overestimate our strengths, become workaholics, or accumulate resentment when we realize that our contribution to relationships is much greater than others.

6. Codependency shuts us off from our own feelings.

Avoiding painful feelings is another strategy often used by codependents.. But because we can't selectively shut out just painful feelings, we shut out everyone.
It becomes more difficult for us to fully enjoy the joys of life.

Even painful and unpleasant feelings give us important clues about what we need. For example, if your colleague publicly took credit for your success, it would be natural to feel resentment, frustration, and/or anger. These feelings are telling you that you have been treated badly, that this is wrong, and that you need to figure out how to deal with it.

And if you pretend or convince yourself that you are not offended or angry, you will continue to allow others to exploit you or offend you in some other way.

7. Codependents don't ask for what they need.

One of the results of suppressing feelings is that we no longer understand what we need. And it is impossible to meet our own needs or ask others to meet them when we have no idea what they are.

This is a consequence of low self-esteem, when we do not feel worthy to ask our partner, friends or employer for what we need.

The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask others to listen to them. Of course, asking does not guarantee that your wishes will be granted, but this is more likely to happen when we ask in an assertive (confident) manner rather than remaining passive (or waiting to explode until we are overwhelmed with rage).

8. Codependents keep giving even when it hurts them.

Caring and willingness to adapt are signs of codependency. What makes these overall positive traits unhealthy? That co-dependent people invest their time, energy, and even money in helping and caring for others, even when it causes them pain and deprivation.

This concern also causes us to become immune to being deceived or taken advantage of. We find it difficult to set boundaries, and we cannot strike a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.

9. Codependency is not a symptom of a mental disorder.

Many people with codependency have clinically significant level anxiety, depression, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but codependency in itself is not a mental disorder.

Remember that seeking the advice of a psychotherapist does not mean that something is wrong with you. You may feel empty or incomplete, but that doesn't mean you are!

10. You can change your codependent behavior.

A person can recover from codependency. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it will be easy, but it is possible. Change is a gradual process that requires practice and openness, a willingness to try new behaviors and experience awkwardness and discomfort at first.

Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding.published .

By Sharon Martin

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

However, the phenomenon addictions and codependencies much wider than it might seem. It extends not only to families of alcoholics, moreover, in order to become a co-dependent family member (husband or wife of an addict, to develop co-dependent relationships with children in your family), certain prerequisites are needed. We will talk about them in this article.

Navigation on the article "Codependency: the formation of a personality prone to psychological dependence"

Prerequisites for the formation of a personality prone to addiction and codependency

By about 3 years of age, the child should move from the stage symbiotic relationship with his mother to independent movement in the knowledge of the world around him. But this can only happen if the mother has given the child a sufficient sense of security and safety.

And in order to give it, you need to be most confident enough in yourself, your strengths, to feel basicly protected in this world, which, alas, not all mothers have. Quite the opposite often happens: a mother who is afraid of not coping with the situation for one reason or another, overwhelmed with fears both for herself and for the child, constantly generates anxiety.

As a result of this anxiety, she tries to satisfy the needs of the child "in advance", "worries" endlessly, is afraid of any manifestation of his displeasure, etc. She is constantly in terrible tension on the topic "my child should always be fine."

As a rule, inside this is “otherwise I - bad mother or “otherwise something irreparable will happen to my child.” Most often, both units are available.

As a result, the child does not feel safe because of the mother's chronic anxiety and gets used to the fact that the mother is constantly trying to satisfy any of his needs, not allowing him to deal with them at least something on his own.

I will give a simple example. Suppose a child woke up at night from the fact that he took some kind of uncomfortable position in his sleep. His first reaction is to cry. But if you give the child a little time, he himself can find comfortable posture and quiet down.

An anxious mother almost never gives the child time to decide for himself - serious problem or not, is the problem worth calling the mother, or can you solve it on your own. So he gets used to it, growing up: the older he is, the more his mother solves his problems. And not vice versa, as, in theory, it should be: the older he is, the more independent.

Remember this expression: “Little children are little troubles, and children have grown up, and troubles have grown”? This is a reflection of our Russian mentality of anxious mothers. And a reflection of the formation process psychological dependence and sometimes not only psychological.

All this leads to the fact that in those very three years, when a personality, his own "I" begins to actively wake up in him, he is not able to get enough psychological freedom. He cannot switch to the knowledge of the world, leaving his mother a little aside (which is already accessible to him by age).

After all Mom is constantly worried about him., constantly trying to solve his problems, in fact, she cannot allow him to act on his own, her anxiety breeds control, and does not allow the child to grow up. So the child is partially stuck in this stage of development. and the feeling of his own “insufficiency” become a habitual and even vital background for him.

After all, being dependent, he receives a strong return in the form of maternal love, support and approval. The equal sign between love and addiction is getting clearer every year.

Developing in such conditions, the child does not become whole personality, he grows up with the feeling that there should always be someone who "helps" him to be whole. And by itself, he cannot be integral - he is accompanied by a constant maternal “what if he does something wrong”, “what if he falls and hurts himself”, “what if he makes a mistake”, etc.

And the child himself gets used to believing in it, but already at the subconscious level, because few people remember how his relationship with his mother proceeded at the age of 2-3 years, and even more so before. He gets used to believing that by himself he cannot live. That he always needs someone who will be responsible, manage, control, worry and care.

Psychological dependence and chemical dependence: men and women

But with all attempts to offer a person meanings, solutions for relaxation or receiving, the addict protests: after all, if he switches to self-sufficiency, he will lose his sense of integrity, which so far is achievable for him only through merging with another, with someone who will be firmly attached to him fears and anxieties, who will be completely focused on it.

Women are more likely to fall into the trap of psychological dependence. She often needs not just a man, but someone who cannot do without her, who will constantly confirm her need for her. And, as a rule, these are men who are prone to addiction. After all, they “will be lost without it”, “they won’t cope without it”, etc.

The scheme here is the same: a woman tries to at least temporarily eliminate the anxiety introduced by her mother, and most often actualizes it through the “rescue” of a man. And thus creates a sense of integrity, which was previously lived in a relationship with an anxious mother.

They complement each other in this system: the dependence of a man makes him helpless, insufficiently independent and in need of “supervision” from a woman.

And a woman prone to psychological dependence does not imagine a relationship with an independent and independent man- after all, then she will not feel so necessary, there will be nothing to constantly worry and worry about. And this is how she used to perceive and show love.

It happens, of course, and vice versa, when a woman becomes dependent, and a man takes on the role of a rescuer. But in our country, the classic scheme is more often relevant, in which a woman “saves” a dependent man.

Illustration for the picture of co-dependent relationships

We recommend that you register on our website in order to gain access to full cycle articles on codependency. Registration is free (registration form at the bottom right).

If you have any questions about the article Codependency: the formation of a personality prone to psychological dependence“, You can ask them to our online psychologists:

If for some reason you could not ask a psychologist online, then leave your message (as soon as the first free psychologist-consultant appears on the line, you will be contacted immediately at the specified e-mail), or on.

Copying site materials without reference to the source and attribution is prohibited!

Psychological help in co-dependent relationships.

Today we want to introduce you to such a concept in psychology and psychotherapy as codependency and how it manifests itself in relationships with loved ones. This information on the site is necessary for you, first of all, in order to be able to recognize what is really happening in your relationship. (if YOU cannot determine where the conflicts in your family come from). And of course, this article will give you some idea of ​​how you can change existing problems via .

Codependent relationships do not appear out of the blue and suddenly. The beginning of co-dependent relationships is rooted in distant childhood. From the point of view of psychologists, the site of the beginning of codependence begins like this (there are stages in the development of codependency relationships, in this article we described the very essence of the formation of codependence):

"When a child is on some deep level understand that he is still very helpless without his parents, and the loss of his parents means imminent death, the child begins to do everything to be close to the parents. After all, parents at an early stage satisfy all the needs of the child. illustrative example this can be seen if you observe a child who is just starting to walk. He departs and not a long distance and returns back to receive acceptance, support for his actions and care. And if parents either do not provide the necessary support, or provide it even when independence is already possible, then the child begins to get used to the fact that there is always someone or something that will save him, that will take full responsibility for his a life" .

This is the hidden belief that underlies all addictive relationships. It may also sound different:

"If I find someone or (something) that is stronger than me and can protect me, I can avoid the dangers of the real world" .

Characteristic signs of codependent relationships:

1. If there is objective evidence that existing relationships are not working for you, you are still not trying to break codependent patterns.
2. Thoughts of a possible relationship ending cause anxiety attacks, and the only way to deal with this anxiety is to return to the relationship and increase dependence on the partner.
3. If you are making any changes in your relationship, you feel anxious about old patterns of behavior, feel scared, total loneliness and emptiness.
4. If you begin to see the meaning of your life in relation to your partner, live with his feelings, thoughts, while ignoring your needs.
5. Codependent people are not able to define their psychological boundaries. They tend to perceive other people's needs as their own. They strive to please others in everything, constantly controlling the perception of themselves by others.
6. Sometimes they play the role of a martyr, being in unbearable situations. This allows you to increase your importance to others.

How does dependent behavior (codependent relationships) manifest itself?

Dependent behavior or codependent relationships can manifest themselves in wide range, (as you already know) from selfless devotion spouse (at the cost of chronic self-betrayal) to a naive belief in the good and almighty "king, leader, state". With such unconscious concepts, you can live for a very long time and not grieve, as they say, but life always gives the necessary lessons. And when this concept does not work, then there is internal conflict with himself, which leads to the breakdown of the usual life: infidelity, divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction, domestic violence, cancer. This "support" just can't handle the load when like any effective concept (statement or belief) never stays the same and changes with changing values (that is, it adapts to the current reality).

As soon as a codependent person enters into a relationship, the whole life begins to revolve around the object of love: without him - torment, next to him - euphoria is akin to drug intoxication. There is a loss of oneself and dissolution in a loved one. Oddly enough, it is this kind of attachment that is commonly called "love"- perhaps because it is expressed beautiful words:"I can't live without you", "Life doesn't make sense without you" etc. Equality is established between feelings and the meaning of life, reciprocity of love and self-worth.

If a codependent person is in a close relationship with dependent person be it alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction etc., codependency becomes a disease. It can proceed in waves, sometimes worsening, sometimes weakening, for example, during periods of remission in a sick family member. Without codependency progresses over time and makes it impossible for a person to build normal relationships with other people. Even if a co-dependent person manages to break off such relationships, then he is either forced to live alone, or, as a rule, builds new relationships with the dependent again.

Often there are cases when, after a divorce from a drug addict, women married alcoholics, or players, and vice versa. In families where one of the parents drinks, often the children also begin to drink or use drugs. Many women who finally, after much suffering, divorce their husbands - alcoholics and drug addicts, do not enter into relationships with anyone else, as they are afraid of repeating the same destructive relationships for them.

When people visit the website , very often it is we, psychologists, who act as this almighty sorcerer. And not even willingly. You yourself expect something magical magical from us when One word from a psychologist can change your unconscious and everything around you can change. But this myth is soon destroyed, because reality is still stronger than illusions. This is another example of how you can relate to yourself and to a psychologist

As for those cases when there is codependence in a relationship.

It's always ordeal , so much so that it can be called tragic, since dedicating your life to another means giving up yourself and means not being able to see your mistakes, not be able to enjoy life with another person completely, fail to understand him and yourself. And this other can lead, in fact, he should not justify anyone's expectations. This other (we do not know who it could be for you: husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, or another close person) can die, end the relationship, change not justify secretly the expectations placed on him, related to reciprocal gratitude, etc. It is important for you to understand that another close person is not always able to assess the degree of your dedication, because he does not have such a need to merge with you. And besides, think about it, maybe your wife or husband or ... do not require from you at all the sacrifices that you make? think about myself …

Features of relationships in codependent people.

The consultative experience of our psychologists has shown that people prone to co-dependent relationships paradoxically combine high dependence on external circumstances. (i.e. they don't want to believe they can control their lives) and taking responsibility in times of stress.

For example, some kind of conflict occurs, and the codependent partner immediately takes all the blame for the misunderstanding in the relationship, or begins to blame the partner for everything, instead of sorting out the relationship. But the cause of the conflict in the relationship does not go anywhere and is not resolved. It means that next conflict usually stronger than the previous one. What do you think, what will happen in this case? Well, certainly not to mutual understanding. What happens to the other partner in this case? And the other partner begins to feel more ignored and begins to get angry, offended, alienated. And all these feelings accumulate over time, which at one moment can lead to an effect. « last drop» . Such a couple needs to learn to be aware of their emotions and learn to express them. After all, we are not always able to express anger in a way that does not scare loved one, are not always able to defend their rights without hurting the rights of another. And if "dump" everything that is, it is possible to destroy the relationship that has been built for so long in a very short time.

Losing a relationship is the most scary horror any person , who is co-dependent, so you have to go to any lengths to stay in a pair. Therefore, for any offense dependent partner rejected, devalued, betrayed, insulted and beaten, made to feel guilty and ashamed of everything. Everything in such a relationship goes in a circle of exits from this vicious circle, there can be two:

Or it will be some very painful event that will encourage you to overcome your fear of losing relationships and try to start returning to your true self.

And, unfortunately, when that tragic life situation that promotes change, or when You are already calling us in order to get a psychological consultation via skype, Your relationship with your partner is so damaged "that nothing else can be fixed". Once your loved one was a savior from loneliness and independence, and now he has become a persecutor, and you have become a victim. In our experience, it often happens that we accept for psychological counseling already those clients who are no longer in their first co-dependent relationship. Enjoy psychological consultation on Psi-Lfbirint.ru!

We remind you once again that running away from one addiction, you get into another!

And it will consist of the following (we will describe only the main ways and directions of work with codependency):

• this recovery psychological boundaries because codependency is the absence of psychological boundaries. Codependents do not test where their boundaries are and where the boundaries of another person begin: they either try to immediately "merge" with another person, or stay away from him, not allowing the possibility of self-disclosure;
• strengthening your power of "I" ;
• awareness of one's own feelings, their acceptance and management . Here the task of the psychologist is to help the client rebuild his relationship with himself, learn to feel emotions, feelings, realize and express his needs and desires, feel a comfortable distance from others and be able to defend his boundaries.
• This work can take place both in an individual and in a group format. Both forms of work have their advantages and disadvantages. And here everyone decides for himself what suits him best at the moment.

Everything that you read in this article is just an introductory material with the problem that you have now, but this article will certainly not help you. start getting out of the problem to move old house from the foundation need his destroy , but sometimes it's so hard to destroy what you have been diligently building for years . Only a psychologist can help you with this.

What is codependency? This is one of the pathological states of the psyche, resulting from a rather strong social, emotional, and sometimes physical dependence of one person on another.

A similar term is often used today when talking about close relatives of drug addicts, gamblers, alcoholics, and people with other types of addiction.

Basic concept

What is codependency? To an ordinary person this concept is practically unfamiliar. The term "codependency" arose as a result of studying the nature of chemical addictions, as well as their effects on people and the effect that such a disease can have on others.

To make the above more clear, consider concrete examples. So, an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. A drug addict cannot live without drugs. The player is not able to get past the casino. But these people have relatives and relatives. They, in turn, are dependent on the same alcoholic, gambler and drug addict.

Based life experience, each of us understands that people, let in varying degrees, but are still dependent on each other. And if one of the family members is not able to live without drugs and alcohol? In this case, he not only destroys relationships with his loved ones, but also makes them co-dependent. In this case, the prefix "co-" indicates the combination, compatibility of states and actions. Thus, it becomes clear that dependence and codependence are different concepts. What is their main difference?

Definition of terms

Dependence and codependency have their own characteristics and traits. How do they differ from each other? This is worth talking about in more detail.

Everyone knows that in modern world The person is constantly under stress. To relieve it, there are many ways to relax and relieve stress. It can be sports or music, collecting or reading, the Internet and much more. The use of any of these methods is not something forbidden and unnatural. After all, while maintaining psychological comfort life becomes full-blooded and saturated with communication and emotions. But this does not apply to those cases when one of the methods used for relaxation begins to dominate the others, gradually pushing real life into the background. In this case, an addiction arises, which is nothing more than an obsessive state of irresistible attraction to someone or something, which, moreover, is almost impossible to control. Such a state takes over a person's life. Everything else becomes simply uninteresting for him.

Today, addiction can arise not only from chemical compounds(alcohol, tobacco, drugs, etc.). It also happens from gambling and overeating, hobbies extreme views sports, etc.

What is codependency? A similar term means a specific condition, which is characterized by a strong preoccupation and preoccupation with the problems of another person. The result of such dependence is a pathological condition that affects all other relationships. You can call a co-dependent someone who at some point became cowardly and allowed another person to completely influence his life with his own behavior. Every day of such people and all their actions are aimed at exercising control over those who cannot live without alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.

Signs of codependence

The one whose life is completely subordinated to a loved one who is not able to give up addiction, as a rule, has low self-esteem. For example, a codependent woman believes that a man will love her only if he is surrounded by care and attention. In such couples, the spouse behaves like a capricious child. Sometimes he allows himself everything that his heart desires - does not work, drinks alcohol, insults a woman and cheats on her.

Also, a codependent person feels hatred for himself and constantly feels guilty. Often, anger arises in the soul of such people, manifesting itself in the form of uncontrolled aggression. Codependents are so focused on the lives of their loved ones that they constantly suppress emerging emotions and desires, not paying any attention to their own physical and psycho-emotional state. These people tend to focus on family problems and do not want to communicate with others. That's the mentality Russian families. It is not customary for our people to "take dirty linen out of the hut."

Very often, codependents do not have sexual relationships or have problems in intimate life. Such people in most cases are closed, constantly being in a depressed state. At times they do torture committing suicide.

What is codependency? It is a way of thinking and living. Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction leads to the fact that people begin to perceive this world distortedly. They deny the problem in their family, constantly engage in self-deception and are distinguished by illogical behavior.

Who is codependent?

People who are legally married or in love relationships with those who are ill with drug addiction or alcoholism;

Parents of a dependent person;

Children of those who are ill with drug addiction or chronic alcoholism;

People who grew up in an emotionally depressed environment;

Suffering from addiction, but in a postmorbital or premorbital state.

female codependency

Often, the representatives of the weaker sex believe that they should love and perceive a man exactly as he is. This is how codependency develops in a relationship. As a rule, this happens when a woman is terribly afraid that she will be left alone. Sometimes she suffers insults and humiliation, continuing to be in a vicious circle such relationships. It is co-dependent women who say this phrase: “He doesn’t need me.”

Such relationships can last for years. However, they do not bring happiness to either a man or a woman who loves him. The wife tries to extinguish any conflicts that arise in the family, constantly takes care of her soulmate, feeling like a “savior”. Continuing to closely perceive the problems of a man, she eventually loses the distinction between her own "I" and the life of her husband. That is why very often absurd things can be heard from codependent women. These are, for example, such phrases as: "we drink" or "we inject heroin." Of course, ladies in this case do not become alcoholics or drug addicts. It's just that all their interests and attention are focused only on a loved one.

Codependency in a relationship does not allow a woman to adequately perceive compliments and praise. Having low self-esteem, such ladies very often depend on the opinions of other people. At the same time, they simply do not have their own. And only in their desire to help another person are codependents able to feel in demand and significant, believing that their life is filled with a special meaning.

Psychological help

How to get rid of codependency in a relationship? There are many original methods for this. The author of one of them is Zaitsev Sergey Nikolaevich. You can get acquainted with this technique by purchasing a brochure called "Codependency - the ability to love." This work is a kind of manual for loved ones and relatives of alcoholics and drug addicts. The allowance is intended to provide psychological assistance to codependent people and correct their behavior.

Those who suffer from hyperlove and excessive emotional involvement in the life of a person close to him, who is in chemical addiction, it is worth reading the book "Day by day from codependency." Its author is Melody Beatty. The book is written in the form of a diary, containing reflections on how to maintain prudence and calmness, being under the pressure of difficult circumstances.

It is worth noting that Melody Beatty herself was a dependent and co-dependent in the past. She was able to overcome her problems on her own, after which she began to actively help people in acquiring their "I", as well as in ridding their loved ones of drugs and alcoholism.

12 step program

Codependency can be observed in families with unhealthy emotional background and also in very strict communities where religion comes first. A similar phenomenon occurs in cases of cohabitation with a dependent person for more than 6 months.

Liberation from codependency will eliminate the loss of one's own "I", constant discontent and depression, a sense of panic and many other problems that such a love phenomenon brings with it.

How to get rid of codependency in a relationship? "12 steps" is a program that will allow the patient to gradually come to the realization that his inner freedom is of great value. At the same time, he begins to understand that the pain that comes to him almost constantly is not at all an obligatory sign of love. Even vice versa.

How to get rid of codependency, while going through 12 successive stages?

Farewell to illusions

So, let's proceed to the first stage of liberation from codependency. And this step of overcoming the problem involves parting with the illusion of complete control over the situation. Recognition of the danger of the situation that has arisen allows you to transfer it from the unconscious, which is beyond the control of a person, into consciousness. Only then can the problem be solved with common sense. Thus, the treatment of codependency in the first stage involves the acquisition of reason.

When going through this step, the patient gains the awareness that the situation in which he finds himself cannot be changed on his own. Here you will need the help of experienced mentors or qualified psychologists. A mandatory start for recovery should be:

Willingness to change;

Abstraction from the need that completely captured the mind;

Willingness to self-evaluate.

Finding the source of power

How to get rid of codependence with alcoholism or drug addiction? After a person fully admits his inability to control the situation, he must determine the source of strength that would allow him to stay afloat. What could it be? Such a source is individual. That is why each patient must determine it for himself. Some people can be healed by faith in God. Someone is able to fix the problem by completely surrendering to their favorite work. For someone, his relatives and friends or the recommendations of the attending physicians who take part in the fate of their patients will become solid ground. Having taken the second step, a person should gain hope for a complete cure for the disease.

Decision-making

What should be the third step to overcome codependency? At this stage, a person must accept for himself firm decision and always follow it. Anyone who has relied on a certain source of power will need to comply with its rules of the game. This stage has its own secret. It consists in the fact that submission to one force or another should not become the formation of a new codependence. It's a conscious decision accepted by man allowing him to take concrete steps.

When the will of the patient is weakened, he can use a kind of crutch. They can be the Bible or the instruction of doctors, a list official duties etc.

Reasonable submission objective conditions, and not the momentary mood of another person, will allow the co-dependent to take a time out and serve as a kind of island on which he must look back at his previous life and give it an objective assessment.

Analysis of the situation

The fourth step in liberation from codependency will be the ratio of human impulses with objective reality. The chosen power will allow you to do this. It should become a kind of judge for the actions, thoughts and past of a person. It is this power that will allow the patient to impartially and honestly analyze the mistakes he has made, based on the postulates of morality.

Repentance

That feeling of guilt, which will certainly arise in the patient during ruthless introspection, must necessarily be directed outward. Otherwise, continuing to remain inside the patient, it will cause a deterioration in his state of mind. This is usually called remorse.

This step is the essence of the fifth stage of getting rid of codependency. Its passage allows you to identify the causes that led to the formation negative attitudes. Their acceptance will set the person free. After all, mistakes are securely sealed in the past, and understanding their origins will make it easier to eradicate this evil.

morale

What is typical for the sixth stage of getting rid of codependency? When going through this step, the patient must mentally prepare to get rid of his destructive love. He needs to understand that he will soon enter into new life and get rid of problems. At the same time, the patient says goodbye to the existing way of thinking, recognizing the possibility of power to change his life radically.

Specific actions

What should a codependent do at the seventh stage of correction? It must be specific actions. The main source of energy will be the feeling of guilt, which keeps a person in a rigid framework. On the this stage the patient is encouraged to attend trainings and receive advice from those who were able to get rid of their codependency thanks to 12 consecutive steps.

Awareness

What happens during the passage of stage 8? A person begins to realize that in the past his behavior was selfish, which unconsciously caused pain to others. He is already ready to openly look into the eyes of the one whom he has tormented and offended, looking for ways and words to compensate for his manipulations and actions.

Compensation for damage

This stage of getting rid of codependency involves an analysis of the current situation. After all, it is clearly not enough to receive forgiveness. It is necessary to think over who suffered from the actions taken in order to compensate for the damage caused. And only the feeling that the debts have been paid and the guilt has been smoothed out will allow people to build comfortable relationships with others unencumbered by uncertainty and fear.

When going through this step, it is recommended to remember those positive hobbies that have faded into the background due to the addiction that has come. Then they should be again included in the list of their everyday interests, which will allow you to recreate an independent and complete system positive life priorities.

self-rehabilitation

The tenth step away from codependency involves daily self-examination, an honest admission of the mistakes you make. This will allow the patient to regain a sense of control over what is happening through a clear understanding of the situation. At the same time, for self-rehabilitation, the acquired skills of psychological hygiene, reflection, as well as transformation and withdrawal from negative experiences should be used. All this will allow to form a personality independent in assessments.

Self-improvement mindset

The eleventh stage of healing involves a practical ritual that involves turning to the healing power chosen by the person. This will bring the codependent's life in line with the new principles he has chosen.

Awareness of one's own value

On the last step the patient must be restored self-esteem. He needs to realize own significance and value, which come from a sense of usefulness to the surrounding people and society. The codependent acquires a completely different vector of activity and a new life meaning. It is expressed in helping other patients.

45 clergymen and volunteers of the Kamensk diocese took part in a two-day seminar "Codependency: Theory and Practice". The purpose of the classes is to help parishioners whose loved ones suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.

The seminar was organized by the Coordinating Center for Combating Drug Addiction Synodal department for Church Charity and Social Service and the Charitable Foundation of St. Righteous John of Kronstadt.

Codependency is a topic that is close and understandable to everyone. To the question of the presenters, “Are there those in the audience who do not have any of their relatives suffering from any kind of addiction?” only one hand went up. In addition, most often not the addicts themselves, but their mothers and wives go to the priests with their misfortune ...

To help addicts, you need to start with co-dependents. This idea was initially conveyed to the participants of the seminar by its moderators – a psychologist-consultant of the Department for the Prevention and Rehabilitation of Addictions of the Krasnoyarsk Diocese, Deacon Rodion Petrikov and a psychologist of the Diaconia Charitable Foundation (St. Petersburg) Nikolai Ekimov.

Very often, without realizing it, it is mothers, fathers, wives, grandmothers who “feed” the addiction of an alcoholic or drug addict with their co-dependency - they pity, indulge, protect, deprive of responsibility, allow manipulation. As a result, they do not allow to begin to recover. The realization of this fact was a real discovery for many participants of the seminar.

"It's not my problem, it's his..."

Asking for help, relatives of addicts are often sure that they themselves have no problems, it's all about a drinking husband or son. “Do something with it,” is what they say most often.

However, drinking or drug use is only visible part The problems are, so to speak, the tip of the iceberg. Psychologist Rodion Petrikov clearly showed that it relies on disharmony family relations which, in turn, is based on the spiritual crisis of the family. It turns out a triangle-pyramid.

The moderator gave an example. At the reception, the woman says that 3 years ago, her husband began to use hashish. It happened after "we coded it." Along the way, it turns out that the man is also cheating on his wife, although he is not going to leave her. “He is behind me like behind a stone wall,” the woman explains. It is she who is the breadwinner in the family, and her husband practically does not work.

“There is disharmony in this family,” Father Rodion explains. - The man stopped drinking after coding, but the addiction itself did not disappear anywhere, because its support remained. And, like the Serpent Gorynych, another severed head grew in place of one ... A woman does not give her husband responsibility, and his dissatisfaction is looking for ways out in alcohol, drugs, betrayal ...

Relationships between spouses and between parents and children can be disharmonious in the family. Origins of disharmony future family are laid down in childhood. In our example, the woman was also brought up in a disharmonious family: her father drank, and her mother alone pulled everything on herself ...

- But is it only a matter of who is more important in the family and earns more? one of the fathers asked. - The main thing is that in this family there is no love, no responsibility ...

“Quite right,” agreed Rodion Petrikov. – The spiritual crisis (the basis of our triangle) is the deep foundation of all troubles. Life without God, outside the sacraments of the Church. If we change this foundation, everything will work out. Blessed Augustine said back in the 4th century: “If God is in the first place, then everything else will be in its own place.”

According to the leaders, it is necessary to work on all three "fronts" of the triangle - at the level of addiction itself, at the level of relationships in the family and at the level of spirituality.

What is codependency?

Codependency is not just a close relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. Codependency is the behavior of close people, completely subordinate to the life and actions of the dependent person.

A co-dependent mother concentrates all her thoughts only on her son who is a drug addict, forgetting about her husband, other children and grandchildren, about rest and her other needs. Such a woman constantly feels heartache, guilt, shame, hatred, resentment. She cannot think rationally, soberly. She in once more believes his son, who is begging for money under some plausible pretext, or even just gives it to him for a drug - in order to avoid a scandal, out of fear of publicizing a family misfortune ... There may be other manifestations of codependent behavior.

“Codependency has its origins in a dysfunctional family, where one of the parents was either chemically addicted or an alcoholic, and this disease was hidden,” Nikolay Ekimov added. - A family is a system: if one of its members is sick, then the whole system is sick. In such families, lying is encouraged and consumption is covered. There is a lot of shame, dishonesty and it is not customary to openly talk about your feelings. Children from such a family, becoming adults, also choose dependent people for their husbands, who need to be looked after, who need to be controlled ...

Codependency is based on three pillars: 1) low self-esteem, 2) a compulsive desire to control the lives of others, 3) a desire to take care of others, to save others.

Why work with codependents?

The presenters gave several arguments why it is necessary to work with codependents.

Argument 1: The retinue plays the king. Above, this, in fact, has already been said. It is the wrong behavior of loved ones that is fertile ground for addiction to flourish. They feed, give money, wash, settle things, turn a blind eye to many things, etc.

- When the parents or the wife realize that they are behaving incorrectly, they will knock the soil out of the addiction. The addict, left alone with his illness, will be forced to start recovering, - the presenter noted.

Argument 2: There are several co-dependents, but one dependent. And the more co-dependents “sober up”, the more successful the recovery of an alcoholic or drug addict will go.

A specific case: the parents moved their drug addict son to another apartment and stopped giving money for drugs. But, as it turned out, only his mother stopped financing his addiction, and his father, having lost all hope and fearing other problems, secretly transferred money to his son.

Often the “malicious agent” is the grandmother. Wanting to be in demand and misunderstanding love and care, she fuels her grandson's addiction.

Argument 3: Codependency is older than addiction. As a result of family disharmony, codependence is formed - and already on the ground prepared for it, dependence grows.

An interesting example was given by Nikolai Ekimov: sometimes grandmothers raising grandchildren whose parents died from heroin get to see him. First, dependent children were the subject of co-dependence of women, now dependent grandchildren ...

Argument 4: Codependency kills. If codependency is left untreated, things can end badly.

Psychological illness can lead to heart attacks, strokes, stomach ulcers... and even suicide. Here are the words of one woman, about 45 years old: “My son uses heroin. He lives separately, but every morning, when my husband is already at work, he comes to our house - eats, washes. This has been going on for 2 years, and I don’t have the courage to close the door in front of him ... If I commit suicide to get out of this system, maybe at least then my son will somehow change ... ”

How the priests fed the "elephant"

The format of the workshop was very lively. The participants showed indifference and activity - they asked questions and expressed their opinion, shared their experience, sometimes even wedged into the speeches of the presenters. They were also happy to participate in discussions and games. One of them is the Elephant Menu. The goal of the game is to understand and feel what codependency feeds on.

First of all, the roles were assigned: Dependent (in our case, it was an alcoholic), Hangover, Aggression, Lies, Loneliness, Insularity, Denial, Laziness, Parasitism, Indifference ... An alcoholic (performed by Irina, a representative of a public teetotaling organization) and all the vices that dragged on tail, wandered around the hall, made their way among those sitting, touched them, interfered, made noise ... Naturally, everyone had few pleasant sensations.

This scene is an illustration of what happens in a family where there is an addict. In "the second act of the play," the Alcoholic with all his luggage surrounded Mom. Volunteer Larisa, who played this role, shared her feelings: “It was stuffy, they all climbed up to me, interfered, annoyed. I was angry, but I felt sorry for the Alcoholic, because he is my son. I wanted to cut off all his unpleasant tail ... "

Why don’t parents cut off the “tail” and how do they continue to feed the “elephant” - co-dependent relationships? The participants had to find and substantiate the answers to this question, breaking into groups of 5-6 people.

As a result, the menu of the "elephant" got: material support dependent, food and shelter for him; pity for yourself and for him; fear of publicity; fear of saying "no"; guilt; life series in the form of scandals; fear of the addict's aggression; misunderstood parental responsibility; certain benefits due to the guilt of the addict ... The last point is, for example, when a wife receives some kind of gift from her husband who has come out of hard drinking.

Say no and face the truth

The discussion of the "elephant" menu was very heated. Nikolai Yekimov commented in detail on some of the "dishes", giving examples from his own practice.

About the fear of publicity. Codependent people live in shame. They do not know how and are afraid to seek help from others, for example, neighbors. When parents create such a shell - a facade of apparent well-being, children begin to grow up in madness: they see that dad is drinking, but mom says that dad is doing well and he just got sick. It is important to convince codependent people to open up - it will become easier for them.

About guilt. codependent people characterized by low self-esteem, insecurity, coming from childhood. This is used by addicts, manipulating a loved one. “It's your fault that I was raised this way” - such a phrase disarms the unfortunate mother. But she must understand that the dependent son is simply skillfully "divorcing" her.

About the fear of aggression. Mothers often come to groups for co-dependents, whose children raise their hands against them, bring companies home and arrange “jazz-kvass”. Mom at this time sits like a mouse and waits for it all to end. After about ten classes, people change: the mother, who used to be a mouse, now first warns, and then calls the police. And the son begins to feel it and is forced to change.

About the fear of saying no. The word “no” is one of the key skills for codependents. Addicts often cheat and knock out money supposedly for dental treatment, to pay off loans, or because “otherwise they will kill me.” The word “no” should be tough, without any justification (“I can’t, I don’t have money”). There can be only one explanation: because I don't want to contain your disease. You need to stand your ground, no matter what manipulations the addict comes up with. When a codependent learns to face the truth, when he learns to say “no”, then he will become sober and codependence will disappear.

- And if the mother gives money so that the son does not kill anyone because of the money? one of the fathers asked.

One of the problems with codependency is intrusive thoughts that are constantly spinning in my head. They appear from strong anxiety. Thinking that something terrible might happen, the mother justifies her wrong actions...

You can look at the situation this way: if a criminal comes to you and says “give me money, otherwise I will kill a person,” will you give money? Of course, anything can happen. But when we say no, we leave it to the will of God and the will of this person. And pray that everything goes well...

- The phrase "Let him drink better than inject" - is it codependency? - Another question from the participants of the seminar.

- Certainly. Sometimes they say so on their last breath from impotence, from involvement in controlling an addicted person.

What words can help an addict?

“I am genuinely sad about what is happening to you. I see that you are suffering from your addiction, I can give you addresses, contacts of centers where you can be helped. But, unfortunately, I can’t do more for you, because your illness is beyond my competence, I can’t cope with your illness.” These will no longer be the words of a co-dependent, but of a recovering person.

"Rope": the essence of co-dependent relationships

The short film Rope was discussed with great interest. This is the 10 minute story. Two people are turned to each other with their backs and tied with a rope. A man drags a girl on himself: at first she rests, screams, but then resigns herself. Along the way, this strange couple, wandering near some slums, come across vicious individuals who insult the girl. And, when suddenly a person comes across who decides to help her and unties the rope, the girl herself begins to tighten it again ...

It is unlikely that this film left anyone indifferent. One of the women was crying while watching...

When discussing in small groups, the participants of the seminar had to answer the following questions: Why do the characters not talk? Who is dependent and who is co-dependent? What can the rope symbolize? What is the purpose of the heroes? Who or what do the characters you meet along the way symbolize? What does a person who does good to them do with the boundaries of a couple?

The metaphor film about the essence of co-dependent relationships, recognized as the best at the International Film Festival in Seattle, was understood by each of the participants in their own way. But the essence of the exercise was not in a single correct interpretation of what was seen, but in feeling, understanding, hearing the opinion and some experience of others ...

Priest - on the "throne" of the addict

Another interesting role-playing game. AT leading role(Dependent) - Archpriest Igor Smolin. His task is to swing while standing on a chair. He can afford it, because he is surrounded by a Mother, a Wife, a Friend, a Priest, a Chief, who, with outstretched arms, do not let him fall. Father Igor got into the role so much that other "actors" needed big physical effort to keep him from falling. As a result, the violent Addict, to the general laughter of the seminar participants, was picked up by a Friend, whose role was played by Priest Igor Aksenov.

The meaning of this game is to demonstrate how codependents support drug addiction or alcoholism of a loved one. It seems to them that, not letting them fall, they are saving their husband or son. In fact, they contribute to the progression of addiction.

– As soon as I stood on the “throne of the king”, I determined the rules of the game, – shared his feelings the protagonist Igor Smolin. - I understood which of my relatives I can rely on more reliably. And I felt the right to use these relations with impunity ...

“This is how a drug addict traces his surroundings very clearly – who can help with money, who will regret, who will feed him,” commented Nikolai Ekimov.

The main character was asked:

- And if everyone moved away, would you continue to swing?

- Of course not.

The host noted:

- For some reason, all co-dependents are sure that if they stop controlling the addict, he will break his nose. But it's unlikely to happen. And if it happens, then the person will feel what a broken nose is. And then he will make a decision: go for treatment or continue to use further. But while he is surrounded by support and control, he does not have the opportunity to feel the risk zone and his fall. Delaying adverse consequences, codependents exacerbate the disease.

Rodion Petrikov presented the following universal recommendations to the seminar participants:

1. Start with yourself. The meaning of this rule is in the words of the Savior: "... first take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see how to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

The validity of this rule is confirmed, for example, by such a story. Once a woman came to Father Rodion asking for help: the eldest son is a drug addict and alcoholic, the middle son is a drug addict, the youngest is a loafer ... The mother was asked to start with herself and overcome some of her bad habit. It turned out that there is such a problem - smoking. The woman gave up cigarettes and got involved in the spiritual life... Seven years have passed. Today, the eldest of the sons has his own production, he is married and has children. The middle son works for his older brother until he is married. BUT younger son became a priest...

“This rule also applies to those who help co-dependents,” added Rodion Petrikov. – When we start with ourselves, we look at a person not with an alienated professional interest, but with the understanding that this is the same person as you.

2. Reach agreement. It is about the consent of all family members in understanding the illness of the addict and ways to overcome it. If there is no such agreement, then the situation resembles a fable about a swan, cancer and a pike.

And at the same time, if at least one person in the family begins to recover, then gradually, albeit slowly, the whole system will change.

3. Stop getting rid of the addict negative consequences behavior. The facilitator recalled the parable about prodigal son: the father allowed his beloved son, who accepted half of the inheritance, to squander it, reach the bottom and, having come to his senses, return to Father's house. Consequences are the only resource to understand that man goes the wrong way.

4. Provide the addict with information about help. Stopping being codependent does not mean brushing aside the problems of a husband or son. Stepping aside, it is important to give contacts - to build a bridge to the recovery of a loved one. Moreover, it is important to give more than one telephone address of a rehabilitation center or specialist, but several: the effect of choice is triggered.

By the way, Rodion Petrikov gave his phone numbers and other contacts to the participants of the seminar - anyone who wants to recover can contact them.

5. Prayer.“This is the last in the list, but the first in importance,” said Father Rodion. - It is not possible to bring the problem to the height of spiritual understanding immediately: first, it is important to answer the requests that people consider “daily bread” ...

The host noted that praying parents should not only repent of their own sin (that they did not raise their son as a Christian and sinned themselves), but also thank God for the trouble that has come. After all, it is thanks to this that a person finally begins to grow spiritually. So blessed Augustine said: “The Lord calls to Himself three times: with a whisper of love, with the voice of obstacles, with a scourge of suffering” ...

Beautiful words were said about the power of a mother's prayer: a mother's prayer will reach from the bottom of the sea, a mother's prayer is higher than the prayer of the elders ... Often, having learned about the importance of a mother's prayer, a woman gains new strength.

And one more recommendation. It was not mentioned in this presentation, but it was discussed in another topic. top priority in a family where there is an addict, there must be his recovery. Not work, not the opinion of others, not anything else. For example, it happens that an addict suddenly refuses to go to rehabilitation center for the reason that he was offered a money job. “I’ll work on a rotational basis, earn money - then for rehabilitation,” he explains. And the parents… agree. Motivated: otherwise he will lose his job! Such a shift in values ​​should not be allowed.

Learn to be a pastor...

A lot of interesting and useful things were said at the seminar. Just don't talk about everything. In addition to the knowledge gained during the classes, the clergy received lists of references, Internet links and various contacts. We also talked to each other and shared experiences. Almost everyone was unanimous - the seminar was a great success.

Bishop Methodius of Kamensky and Alapaevsky solemnly handed certificates to the participants of the seminar "Codependence: Theory and Practice". He noted main point seminar: the knowledge gained should help the clergy in communicating with this category of parishioners.

- in the spiritual educational institutions they teach liturgy and dogmatics, but they practically do not teach how to be a pastor and lead a parish. And working with people is the hardest thing. We must learn pastoral instinct ...

– When you are imbued with such a problem, you understand that you don’t have to rest on only three pieces of advice: confess, take communion, and observe fasting. Our task is to help a person stand right before God.

Participants' opinions about the workshop

Archpriest Nikolai Trushnikov, rector of the parish in the name of the holy vice Elijah of Artemovsky:

– I did not even expect that the seminar would be so interesting and useful. Although after the classes I still had a feeling of “undernourishment”: I want to learn even more deeply about the problem. But the important thing is that the seed is given, there is an incentive, ideas. What I could not decide for myself before, is now being solved.

I started working with alcohol addicts about 20 years ago. Recently, when the groups were recruited, there were few addicts - mostly co-dependents. And there was no knowledge to work with them. Now they have. In the autumn I want to start leading small groups for co-dependents ...

Priest Alexander Kropotukhin, rector of the parish in the name of the Nativity of John the Baptist of the village of Kochnevskoe, Beloyarsk deanery:

- The problem is very relevant, but there was not enough knowledge. Now they are. I have already benefited from the workshop. There are specific problems in my environment that I haven't seen solutions to before. He hung around, not knowing how to act. Now I have a clear vision - I know where to go, to whom and what to say.

Archpriest Nikolai Neustroev, rector of the parish in the name of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker, Zarechny:

“The workshop is very useful. Unfortunately we for the most part stew in our juice, and problematic issues in communication with parishioners, in particular, with co-dependents, they hang in the air. Often, we are not qualified to deal with these problems. The nature of communication with parish homeless people, who skillfully put pressure on pity, showed that I am also co-dependent ... But after the seminar, knowledge appeared and my mood rose. I wanted to bring all the information received into the system. The hosts gave links, direct telephone contacts are a help and an incentive ... Now I am looking at advanced educated young parishioners: perhaps someone could work with co-dependents.

Priest Nikolai Reshetnikov, Rector of the Holy Trinity Hierarchal Metochion in Irbit:

– The problem of codependency is understandable, but we lacked an exact language for our work – a correct explanation of the situation… At the parish, we tried to put the life of such people on a spiritual basis – so that through confession, the sacraments of the Church, they would calm their internal state and look at the situation with different eyes. It has helped many women. And they made tough decisions about drinking husbands: decided to live alone. As a result, over time, the husband took a vow of sobriety and tried to live correctly ... Now, having received new knowledge, we can help more ...

I would like to note the following point: many problems can be avoided if you engage in raising children from the very beginning. early age. After all, we begin to be co-dependent from the birth of a child: we are ready for anything, just not to cry. The state should be aimed at improving society, not only from the side of drug addiction, but also from the side of raising children.

Priest Alexy Lebedev, rector of the Pokrovsky parish of the village of Lugovsky, Talitsa-Tugulym deanery:

– An excellent and very popular seminar. I often encounter the problem of codependence: people come to the temple, but do not want to accept help. You tell them that you need to work on yourself as well, and they answer exactly as they said at the seminar: they say, I don’t have problems ... Or such an example. A woman comes: her husband is drinking. I give Zaitsev's book "Codependency" to read. “Yes, father, this is about me,” she admits. Advice helps, two months the husband does not drink. But then - all over again. It turns out that the wife herself can drink with her husband. “But I’m on holidays, little…”

Highly important question The codependent needs to start with himself. And the clergy involved in helping addicts and co-dependents also need to start with themselves. Otherwise, people will not have confidence... We decided to make our parish sober. And for 2 years already 16 parishioners - dependent and co-dependent - have taken a vow of sobriety.

I am very grateful to the organizers and presenters for the seminar. Receiving new knowledge, we will "grow to the glory of God, to the comfort of parents, the Church and the Fatherland for the benefit."

Archpriest Evgeny Taushkanov, Rector of the Pokrovsky parish in the village of Volkovo, dean of the Kamensky city deanery:

– At the seminar I learned a lot of new and useful things. I managed to combine theory with practice on the very first day: I left classes a little earlier - I had to participate in the commission on juvenile affairs. Among the "patients" there were just two drug addicts - 14 and 15 years old. The knowledge gained on the day of the seminar was very useful to me in a conversation with my parents. He explained: you need to start with yourself, to destroy the power of the child over you. And at the same time start building the spiritual foundation...

Unfortunately, our experience in working with drug addicts, from the 90s to the 2000s, was not entirely successful. And only now, after this seminar, the realization of the mistakes we made has come. Our main miscalculation is that more attention we gave to the drug addicts themselves, but we missed the co-dependents. But it is in the family that people spend most of their time. the main task- Teach parents how to behave properly. Now the problem of drug addiction is rising again, and now it is important not to miss the parents ...