To be or not to be - that is the question! Perhaps the words of Hamlet best describe a man who is so insecure. “He knows that he must kill his stepfather, and he hesitates only because the goal he is pursuing unconsciously frightens him,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov, a Gestalt therapist. - He strives for the ideal and is tormented by his own imperfection. And therefore cannot be fully satisfied with any of the solutions.

At that moment, when a person should give an unambiguous answer and is not able to do this, real panic can seize him. “He feels embarrassed, annoyed, embarrassed, feels guilty for dragging out time,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. “These feelings are exacerbated and can develop into irritation and even anger if his companion or companion begins to urge or criticize him.”

Paradoxically, the more he hesitates, the more sure he really is about what to do. But still waiting for someone to make the decision for him. Such an unconscious strategy gives a person the opportunity not to take responsibility for the consequences and for the choices made by others.

"I'm learning to listen to my desires"

Ekaterina, 36 years old, doctor

“When I have to choose black trousers or a red dress in the store, I buy both. For several years now I have been hesitant to leave the hospital to go into private practice. I am unable to connect my life with the man I love because I cannot answer simple questions: Should we live together or not? Have kids or wait? As soon as I have to make a choice, I involuntarily begin to procrastinate, procrastinate, as if waiting for someone to decide for me ...

The situation became so unbearable that I decided to take a course transactional analysis. I am working with my therapist to learn to listen to my desires, trying not to be guided by the opinions and tastes of my authoritarian mother. My way of healing is to finally give free rein to my inner child, still living in me, who was deprived of the right to vote since childhood.

Fear of error

Those who find it difficult to make their own decisions suffer from self-doubt. They are afraid of making mistakes, because having made a choice in favor of, say, one dish in a restaurant, they have to refuse others that are presented on the menu.

“Self-doubt becomes the main property of a person in the event that with early childhood when making a decision, he is used to relying on the opinions of others - parents, friends or people who are authoritative for him, - explains Nifont Dolgopolov. - Such a tactic of behavior develops in a child if his parents are authoritarian and adhere to a strict parenting style. They constantly evaluate the child, criticize his behavior, his preferences, make decisions for him ... And he gradually ceases to rely on himself.

It is pointless for an indecisive person to give advice, but it is dangerous to make decisions for him, because then he will lay all the responsibility on you. Another mistake is to blame him for inaction: this will strengthen him negative attitude to yourself.

Help him figure out what is preventing him from being more decisive. Make it clear that he only clings to self-doubt because he focuses on hypothetical losses rather than potential gains. It is difficult for a self-doubting person to recognize the consequences of his indecision. Point out to him what can happen if he never learns to make his own decisions.

What to do?

Don't be afraid to take risks

Challenge yourself, others and win - learn to enjoy it. Each decision like every victory over ourselves, strengthens our self-confidence. Use the technique of model behavior: choose for yourself a brave, determined person who, in your opinion, can serve as an example of success and willpower. And every time you make a decision, ask yourself: what would he do in my place?

Change position

You are mistaken when you confidently say about yourself: "I am not able to make this decision." In fact, you are like Molière's Monsieur Jourdain, who did not even suspect that he had been speaking prose all his life until he was told about it. After all, from morning to evening, every day you make a lot of decisions! So change your perspective: be more attentive to the decisions that you yourself made today.

How often do we think: "To know where to fall ...". How sometimes we regret the unused opportunities or erroneous actions. Everyone would like to know and understand how to take the right decision, which would lead to right way to the intended goal. However, sometimes we forget the most important thing. About what our

personality is in constant development. Solving new challenges, facing unusual and unusual circumstances, we change. This means that goals, values, priorities also do not stand still. They change with us. That is why it is better to put the question of how to make the right decision for the "here and now", and not looking ahead and even more so.

The author had a chance to talk with many people who sometimes found themselves at difficult crossroads in life. And this is what is typical for those who gave the impression of a self-confident, accomplished person - they did not regret the past! Not even if I had to change many times way of life, country, field of activity. They did not revel in self-pity if they happened to lose all their possessions and start all over again. Therefore, in order to understand how to make the right decision, you need to be clearly aware that a lot depends on us, but not everything. What seems to be certain moment correct, may be wrong. That is why more

Inflexible people who find it difficult to reorganize and act according to circumstances suffer from failures the most. And our path is far from always smooth and spacious. Therefore, the first advice: take off the burden excessive responsibility. A person is arranged in such a way that in any situation he can find both joy and disappointment. Even if you have reached your "goal", it can always seem that "the palace is too small, and the molasses is too sweet."

So which one won't you regret? First of all, try to trust fate and intuition. Very often we hesitate and doubt if there is any, for example, between reason and feelings, between desires and duty. But this situation is also a stimulus for development. And intuition, which we often underestimate or drown out, is what helps to make the right decision. Do not think that this is something supernatural, "a voice from above." It's more like your subconscious is processing the situation in its own way. Our elementary physiological responses often tell us where we will be good, and where not so much. For example, if you are looking for new job listen to your intuition. If a conversation with a future boss sets you up for positive tone- this is good start. But if the building itself, the atmosphere reigning there, appearance and the manner in which employees communicate cause tension and oppression if you do not feel comfortable in this place- maybe it's a warning.

And how to make the right decision in your personal life? The advice is the same. Do not try to reason, plan, think in lofty categories. Just feel the situation, immerse yourself in your feelings. How communication with this or that person will develop is often decided by the first minutes. And if we are comfortable, we feel safe, it means that this relationship has a future. Conversely, if we find it difficult to find common topics, if we are constrained, but, for example, the thought has settled in the mind that this is an excellent party, try to trust your intuition. We live with a person, and not with his status, money or position in society.

Another technique will tell you how to learn to make the right decisions. This method can be called "look into the future." The point is to try to imagine as much as possible possible development events,

following your choice. Are you offered a job but don't know whether to take it? Imagine yourself in this place in as much detail and color as possible in a year, two, five. What does your typical working day look like, how do you dress, how do you relax? Do you enjoy going into the office or are you trying to come up with excuses to show up as little as possible? By imagining this, you are subconsciously preparing yourself to make a decision.

And perhaps the most famous effective method- "sleep" with the problem. If you ask yourself a question in the evening before going to bed, in the morning you will receive a ready answer. Your subconscious or intuition will do all the work for you. Sometimes a conversation with an uninterested stranger helps. By speaking out loud all your arguments and doubts, you thereby come to a decision. Good luck to you!

There comes a time in every person's life when they need to take some serious decision , which can greatly change his fate. As a rule, if a person is aware of the difficulty of his situation, then making such decisions is very difficult.. Life-changing decisions are easy to make when you don't think or when you don't know what. What is a person who understands his position and is faced with the need to accept difficult decision, maybe find support? I invite you to think with me about possible answers to this question.

Give yourself time

For any decision to be made time. And it's good if we are for these purposes allocate it to ourselves. AT old days wise men could specially seclude themselves in order to better concentrate on some important issue. Now the pace of our life is so great that it becomes more and more difficult to stop for a while and focus on something important for ourselves. And without it, it is very difficult to make a decision. After all, it is so important to think, analyze your situation, find and be disappointed in certain decisions, reach a dead end, and then again look for a way out of it. All this is an integral part of the search and decision making. And if we do not give ourselves time, then decisions can be impulsive and thoughtless, based on a fleeting mood or.

Reliance on feelings

Somehow it turns out that difficult situations our . Or there are so many “smart” thoughts that you can get lost in them; or the wind starts to walk in the head and the mind refuses to work. In this case, relying on your own feelings. Only it should be relying on momentary emotions(joy, anger, fear, etc.), but deep feelings that live in each of us. It is very easy for someone to hear the voice of these feelings inside himself, and he only needs to listen to himself, but someone does not know at all how to hear in general noise enveloping the soul, the wave of their feelings. I will share with you the advice of a friend of mine who told me about how he does it. Personally, I really liked his advice.

So, for starters, you will need to find a quiet place where you can retire. Having done this, find something nearby that you can focus your attention on. It is better if it is some kind of shiny object (it is easier to focus on this for a long time). Sit comfortably, rest your eyes on this object, and sitting like this, gradually begin to listen to yourself. To do this, imagine that inside you is emptiness, silence, there is nothing. Listen to this silence and emptiness. Don't let your thoughts distract you from this silence. And if thoughts are distracting, then just note what they are about and let them go. Gradually, something will begin to appear in this emptiness. Notice what comes to the surface. These are the feelings we are looking for. They can appear in the form of images, vague premonitions, sensations in the body. As soon as you notice something in yourself, try to listen to it, and let your experiences unfold.

The whole process can be visualized as follows. You are walking through the forest and you need to go to the road where cars drive. This road is far. You are walking and following the crunch of branches and leaves under your feet, you do not hear in which direction this road is. You stop and freeze in order to listen where the road is. And you don’t hear it right away, but only after some short period of time, when the ear tunes in to silence and hearing becomes sharper. So it is with feelings. We must first stop and stop all inner work, then listen to where the “sound of your feelings” comes from inside you.

If you manage to hear the voice of your feelings, hear your true desires, then this can give support and a direction in which one would like to move. And if such general direction becomes clear, then making a decision is much easier (and sometimes it becomes simply self-evident).

Self-deception test

An important guideline in decision making can be a sense of inner harmony. This feeling can appear in the reverse form, in the form the senses if you refuse a decision, or vice versa, internally press on the need to make it. Usually this feeling is like some internal discomfort, something gnaws inside and torments, as if you are betraying yourself. It is very important to ask yourself difficult situation: Why am I here? Why should I do this and that? What is the meaning of my decision? If you do not know what decision to make, then it is worth asking yourself about the meaning of the situation in which you are forced to make a decision. Why were you in it? Why did they come to it? By finding the answers to these questions, you can better understand why you are in a decision or choice situation. And then you can ask yourself if you are betraying what you came into this situation for, and yourself at the same time, choosing this or that solution.

Fighting Doubts

It must be said that doubts often arise in the case if the decision is made under duress(internal or external). If the solution is hard-won and internally matured there is no doubt or regret. Well, if the choice has not yet matured internally, but it needs to be made as soon as possible, then confusion and a desire to find the “right” solution appear. In this state, any choice will be wrong. Such a decision will always be followed by a train of regrets and doubts. There is only one way out - to think about what makes you right now (“as soon as possible”) to make a choice and make a decision. More precisely, what do you not like about it? And here it is better to think about what else can be done to remove this internal dissatisfaction without radically changing the situation.

Generally speaking, best advice here - don't put pressure on yourself. Don't force yourself to make a decision. Allow yourself not to accept it. Relax. Be like a samurai who, with an unshakable spirit, stands on the edge of a cliff and looks at blue sky enjoying its beauty. Take your time and allow yourself to take a closer look at the situation.

Reconciliation with the victim

In any choice, in any decision, you, one way or another, forced to give up something. There is something important and valuable that must be sacrificed when choosing one or another alternative. You should be prepared for this. In order to experience the victim more effectively (so to speak) it is necessary to approach it with the awareness that what exactly are you losing. When you clearly understand what you are giving up, then it is easier for you to survive the consequences of making such a difficult decision.

In order to better understand what you will have to give up, try to complete the following sentence inside yourself: "I'll never…". Saying inside yourself everything that you have to part with, you can, on the one hand, better understand the importance of this or that alternative and, on the other hand, gain courage and readiness to take responsibility for the decision you have made. One way to help you accept this sacrifice is to recognize what you are paying for in terms of the goods you are giving up. It's your choice, and for each life choice we have to pay something and sacrifice something for something more valuable to us.

Final point

To give your decision more weight, you need to "energize him". How to do it? There are two options here. On the one hand, you can take one of the alternatives that you want to refuse, and imagine the maximum bad option development of events. This can be done by saying to yourself such words: “if I choose this and that, then I will suffer all my life from this and that.” You can do it like this.

Or you can find the positive that is in the choice that you are inclined to, and keep it in your mind, in your imagination, keep it as a goal, as the lighthouse you want to bring your ship to. Can more often remember the good things you strive for especially in moments of doubt and hesitation.

During our lives, we repeatedly have to take various solutions. And it often happens that we hesitate: to do this or not?

Or we don’t understand at all how we should act ... What should we do in such cases? How to behave so as not to regret what you have done? In fact, there are many ways to help you.

Method one. Reasoning.

It is suitable for people who think rationally, who are used to reasoning with.

Try to calculate the consequences of this or that act. It is best to write down all the pros and cons on a piece of paper so that it is clearer. Let's say you've been offered a new job, but you're hesitant to accept it or not. Take a sheet, divide it into two halves and on one write down all the advantages of the proposed position, for example, “big salary”, “growth prospects”, “social package”, on the second - negative factors- “work far from home”, “irregular schedule”, “little information about this company”, etc.

Look at both halves of the sheet and count how many pluses and minuses you got. Now highlight what is your priority. After all, suppose a salary and a career can fully compensate for some inconvenience. And it also happens that money and a career are not the main thing for you, but you want to return home early and spend weekends with your family. This method will simply help you visually put everything on the shelves, and it will be easier to finally make a decision.

Method two. Intuition.

Suitable for people with intuitive type thinking. Listen to what. If you were offered a job or, say, marriage, and the offer seems to be good, but for some reason you are not drawn to accepting it, maybe you shouldn’t? And, on the contrary, if your mind doubts, and your heart tells you to do just that, shouldn’t you follow his lead? If earlier your intuitive premonitions have already been justified, then it means that you can quite trust them.

Method three. Test fate.

This is for magically minded citizens. It's about different. Not even necessarily traditional ones, like cards or the I Ching. You can just think: "If the next candy I get from this bag is green, then I will go to this place, and if it is red, then I will refuse to go." The main thing is to get candy without looking.

You can "guess" with the help of hours. Connoisseurs say that if on the dial, when you take a look at it. there will be a "jackpot" - say, 11 hours 11 minutes, then you can be sure: the upcoming meeting or enterprise will be successful for you. If the first two digits more than the second two, say, 21 hours zero three minutes, you should not rush to make a decision. If, on the contrary, for example, the clock shows 15:39, then time is running out for you: hurry up so as not to miss your chance.

Now on sale there are special balls for decision-making. You formulate a question, shake the ball and look in the window for the answer. Just remember that the ball does not predict the future, but only tells you what to expect and how best to act in a given situation.

Method four. Reading the signs of fate.

Suitable for those who are interested, if not in mysticism, then in psychology and. When thinking about a solution, pay attention to what is happening around you. Suppose you are going to go somewhere, but you are not sure whether to go or not. And then suddenly the phones start ringing and requests from acquaintances fall upon you, you lose the keys to the apartment and find that the sole of your shoes has come off ... Most likely, Providence tells you: you should not go to this meeting.

Or someone offers you cooperation, and his last name turns out to be the same as that of a person whom you knew many years ago and with whom you had some kind of unpleasant situation ... Is it by chance?

Or you are planning a tour, and suddenly, by a strange coincidence, you come across a post on the Web of a former client of the same travel company who recalls with horror how he used its services ...

They ask you for a large amount of debt, and then the headline of the note catches your eye: “Company N went bankrupt” ...

You've had pain in your lower back for three months now, but you still can't decide whether to go to the doctor. And then you catch a snippet of someone else's conversation in the subway: “I did an ultrasound yesterday, they said - a stone in the kidney ...”

You are considering whether to go on a date with the gentleman who invited you, and they sing on the radio: “Don’t go to meet him, don’t go. He has a granite stone in his chest." Why not a hint?

A “picture” can also carry a hint. For example, you are not sure whether you should link fate with the given specific person. And suddenly you see a couple of tender swans on the pond. Or, on the contrary, you meet a couple of desperately fighting cats on the street ... Draw the appropriate conclusions.

Of course, you should not literally take every little thing for. But if a word or event drew your attention to itself, stuck in your memory, or it clearly seemed to you that “it's all about you”, that it is connected precisely with your situation, then it makes sense to take it into account. Good luck with your decisions!

When people share what they have done in their lives worst decisions, they often refer to the fact that the choice was made in a fit of instinctive emotions: passion, fear, greed.

Our life would be completely different if Ctrl + Z were active in life, which would cancel the decisions made.

But we are not slaves of our mood. Instinctive emotions tend to become dull or completely disappear. That's why folk wisdom recommends that in the case when you need to make an important decision, it is better to go to bed. Good advice, by the way. It won't hurt to take note! Although for many solutions one sleep is not enough. We need a specific strategy.

One of effective tools which we would like to offer you, strategy for success at work and in life from Susie Welch(Suzy Welch) - former editor-in-chief of the Harvard Business Review, popular author, television commentator and journalist. It is called 10/10/10 and involves making decisions through the prism of three different time frames:

• How will you feel about it 10 minutes later?
• What will you think about this decision after 10 months?
• What will be your reaction to this in 10 years?

By focusing our attention on these terms, we distance ourselves some distance from the problem of our acceptance important decision.

Now let's look at the effect of this rule on an example.

Situation: Veronica has a boyfriend Cyril. They have been dating for 9 months, but their relationship can hardly be called ideal. Veronica claims that Cyril - wonderful person, and in many ways he is exactly what she has been looking for throughout her life. However, she is very worried that their relationship is not moving forward. She is 30, she wants a family and. She does not have an endless amount of time to develop a relationship with Kirill, who is under 40. During these 9 months, she never met Cyril's daughter from her first marriage, and in their pair the cherished "I love you" never sounded from either side.

The divorce from his wife was terrible. After that, Cyril decided to avoid serious relationship. In addition, he keeps his daughter away from his personal life. Veronica understands that he is in pain, but she is also offended that such main part the life of her beloved is closed to her.

Veronica knows that Cyril does not like to rush into decisions. But should she then herself take the step and say “I love you” first?

The girl was advised to use the 10/10/10 rule, and this is what came of it. Veronica was asked to imagine that right now she has to decide whether she confesses her love to Cyril on the weekend or not.

Question 1: How will you react to this decision after 10 minutes?

Answer:“I think I would be worried, but at the same time proud of myself that I took a chance and said it first.”

Question 2: What would you think of your decision if 10 months had passed?

Answer:“I don't think I'll regret it 10 months later. No, I will not. I sincerely want everything to work out. Who does not take risks, then does not drink champagne!

Question 3: How do you feel about your decision 10 years later?

Answer:“Regardless of how Cyril reacts, in 10 years the decision to declare love first is unlikely to matter. By that time, either we'll be happy together, or I'll be in a relationship with someone else."

Notice the 10/10/10 rule works! As a result, we have quite a simple solution:

Veronica has to take the lead. She will be proud of herself if she does this, and sincerely believes that she will not regret what she did, even if nothing works out with Cyril in the end. But without a conscious analysis of the situation according to the 10/10/10 rule, making an important decision seemed extremely difficult for her. Short-term emotions—fear, nervousness, and fear of rejection—were distractions and deterrents.

What happened to Veronica after, you might ask. She did say "I love you" first. In addition, she tried to do everything to change the situation, and stop feeling in limbo. Cyril did not confess his love to her. But progress was on the face: he became closer to Veronica. The girl believes that he loves her, that he just needs a little more time to overcome his own and confess the reciprocity of feelings. In her opinion, the chances that they will be together are up to 80%.

Eventually

The 10/10/10 rule helps you win on the emotional side of the game. The feelings that you are experiencing now, at this moment, seem rich and sharp, and the future, on the contrary, is vague. Therefore, the emotions experienced in the present are always in the foreground.

The 10/10/10 strategy forces you to change your angle of view: to consider a moment in the future (for example, in 10 months) from the same point of view that you are looking at in the present.

This method allows you to put your short-term emotions into perspective. It's not that you should ignore them. Often they even help you get what you want in a given situation. But you must not let your emotions get the better of you.

It is necessary to remember the contrast of emotions not only in life, but also at work. For example, if you deliberately avoid having a serious conversation with your boss, you are letting your emotions get the best of you. If you imagine the possibility of having a conversation, then after 10 minutes you will be just as nervous, and after 10 months - will you be glad that you decided to have this conversation? Breathe easy? Or will you feel proud?

But what if you want to reward the work of a great employee and are going to offer him a promotion: will you doubt the correctness of your decision in 10 minutes, will you regret what you did 10 months later (suddenly other employees will feel left out), and will it Will the promotion make any difference to your business 10 years from now?

As you can see short-term emotions are not always harmful. The 10/10/10 rule suggests that looking at emotions in the long run is not the only correct one. It only proves that the short-term feelings you experience cannot be at the head of the table when you make important and responsible decisions.