Many people think that manipulating people is something extremely difficult, but we face it every day. Our relatives, friends, colleagues constantly manipulate us with simple phrases.

Often, manipulation has a spontaneous, random character. This means that it is not made on purpose. There are certain signs that you are being manipulated. Use this knowledge to accurately determine who and why is trying to get you to do something and or think about something.

Manipulation as emotional terrorism

If someone wants to control you, then this person has two possible causes to this: he loves power, or just wants to achieve something faster with your help than without you.

Sometimes it happens that a person just likes to watch how you do something against your will - this is the so-called emotional terrorism. In Bioenergetics such people are called energy vampires. Stay away from such people, because their aura is dangerous. If you are strong in spirit and do not succumb to the attacks of manipulation lovers, then any path is open to you. Otherwise, you will have to learn not to pay attention to it, otherwise you will remain an easy target.

Dangerous phrases

Manipulative phrases are very diverse. The simplest example is phrases that indicate to you that you cannot do something, although you must be able to do something. Just an example - you are a programmer by training, but you cannot quickly determine the essence of a computer problem. You have been asked to help, but for some reason you cannot do it quickly or cannot do it at all. Here they throw you the phrase: “Well, you are a programmer!”. A large number of people understand that it is stupid to remind about it. "Well, yes, I'm a programmer, and what's next?" you think. You don't even need to defend yourself against this phrase. Just don't pay attention. If you are tired of being told such phrases, then simply answer: “I know, and the most the best programmer of all, thank you." From the same category, one can single out "you're a mother!". All this occurs every day in most families. So parents want to manage children, and children parents.

The second example is manipulative phrases that point you to some condition, upon fulfillment of which something will be done for you in response. For example: "I will help you if you change your hairstyle." Forget about the people who say that, regardless of the context, regardless of the meaning. Such phrases are only good for financial affairs when you negotiate the terms of some transactions. Love, friendship is not a deal. If you are told that they will help you with something only after something, then you are being manipulated one hundred percent. This means that you are not loved, respected and not appreciated.

There are many ways and psychological techniques for manipulation. The first two types are phrases that cause guilt, but there are other types of word manipulation - flattery.

There are phrases like: "Help me, because you are so smart and quick-witted." it pure water manipulation, but such phrases are hidden, because not all people are unimaginative. This is simple flattery, from which you need to move away. If you are being flattered, then this is no better than the first two types of manipulation. The most important thing is not to show your aggression and pretend that you did not notice this flattery. Such people are more likely than others to gossip, so if you don’t do them a favor, they will throw mud at you behind your back, rest assured.

People who have pronounced narcissistic tendencies, as well as the so-called toxic partners known for their manipulative tactics.

Some of them deliberately try to confuse and deceive. Others are more primitive and straightforward in their behavior, which throws a person off balance.

Note.Below are phrases for men and women of manipulators, which one way or another will help to subordinate a person to their will.

Be that as it may, such people are prone to projection, shifting responsibility for their actions to others, blaming others and using gaslighting.

Here are some of the most common manipulative phrases that abusers often say to their victims, as well as what lies behind them, you can use them for your insidious purposes:

If the manipulator goes on a frank attack, he will use his toughest element of influence - the threat:

1. Nobody will believe you. I will try to isolate you and turn everyone against you.
2. I hate you. I want to make you suffer so that you feel loveless, unworthy and bad.
3. Know your place! You have crossed the line, you should become more obedient.
4. Shut up! Sit still, be submissive, and don't ask questions.
5. You will still regret it. You hurt me and hurt me.
6. You always/never (never) do it. I will exaggerate and make a big deal out of molehills to make you look bad.
7. I will tell everyone what kind of person you are. I will slander you and turn everyone against you.
8. You don't know what I'm capable of. I will do everything to punish you.
9. I will make you pay. You hurt me and I will punish you for it.

When the arguments run out or don't work properly, the manipulator will try to divert responsibility from himself, thereby giving himself room for the next attack:

1. You are never satisfied with anything! You must not complain or feel dissatisfied with my behavior.
2. What happened, happened. I don't want to be responsible for this.
3. You are just crazy. I didn't do anything wrong, that's your problem.
4. I promise this won't happen again. I want you to treat me like nothing happened.
5. Trivia! You take everything too personally.
6. I was just joking. On the contrary, it is not a joke at all.
7. Nobody is perfect. You should not criticize my behavior and doubt my actions.
8. You can't do that! You need to listen to me, not yourself.
9. Relax, it's all right. You're overreacting to my toxic behavior, which I think is perfectly reasonable.

The manipulator's favorite weapon is drama. Bringing in an element of tragedy is like showing your skill, honed over the years. If these phrases are present in the conversation, the performance has begun!

1. You are too sensitive. Your response to my toxic behavior is over the top and unreasonable.
2. Don't be so impressionable. I want to emphasize - you overreact to everything and only provoke conflicts.
3. I don't remember it. So it didn't happen.
4. Don't play the victim! You should not feel offended and notice that I am manipulating you.
5. It doesn't matter. You better not think about it.
6. You're exaggerating everything. It's not as bad as you think (and much worse).
7. I know you love me. I know better how you feel about me than you do yourself.
8. You can not do it without me. I believe you need me to survive, so don't jeopardize our relationship.
9. You shouldn't interact with them. I don't want you to run away from me or see how unhealthy our relationship is.

Well, where without effective weapon- Feelings of guilt. To make a person feel guilty, the manipulator can use both false accusations and insults, as well as elements of humiliation.

1. This is for your own good. Translation: You should be grateful, not upset.
2. This is your fault. Translation: I didn't do anything wrong, it's all you.
3. You are cold and cruel! You can't forgive! You shouldn't hold me responsible for my behavior.
4. You deserved it. It's very simple - you deserve to be mistreated.
5. You provoke me. My toxic behavior is just a reaction to your actions.
6. It was you who made me. Translation: I am not in control and you are responsible for what I have done.
7. You are manipulating me. It's not me who manipulates you, but you.
8. You offend me. Here I am the victim.
9. This is where I make the decisions. You have no right to speak.
10. You know I love you. I want you to keep giving me what I want.
11. I already apologized, why are you pushing me away? I think you are being unfair to me.
12. Well, who are you after that? You are nothing.
13. Nobody loves you. I want to make you feel worthless.

These are just a few of the most common of an endless list of phrases that manipulators say to their partners and loved ones in order to shift responsibility and get what they want from them. We recommend that you be extremely careful when using them!

Fists clench, blood rushes to the cheeks, tears come to the eyes, it becomes difficult to breathe ... What happened? After all, the remark, because of which all this is happening to us, was seemingly quite innocent, even friendly? And we blame ourselves even more because we can't explain our reaction. It seems to us that we have no right to such experiences.

But if these reactions are repeated, most likely, we are dealing with a malicious manipulator. And most often such a manipulator turns out to be a psychopath - a person whose character is characterized by prudence, composure, ruthlessness and a thirst for power over people.

When you hear the word "psychopath", you most likely remember Hannibal Lecter or Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy - American Serial killer, a kidnapper and necrophile active in the 1970s. Exact number his victims are unknown. Shortly before his execution, he confessed to 30 murders, but the real number of his victims could be much higher. Twice sentenced to death penalty. In 1989, the execution was carried out.

Manipulators do things on purpose that make you feel paranoid.

But most psychopaths don't actually commit violence and are not in prison, but among us. It is also highly likely that the average observer will find them extremely altruistic and sweet.

Psychopaths are primarily social predators. They use charm to get what they want from others. There are no exceptions. They equally ruthlessly prey on family members, friends, lovers, colleagues. Use their skills in the field of religion and politics. They change their personality to make it the way they think you might like it. And it works. It may very well be that you find your manipulative psychopath acquaintance empathetic and responsive and have a deep affection for him - as long as he does not need anything from you. And when it is necessary, then his behavior will start to drive you crazy.

Here are some of the common phrases you hear from a manipulator trying to undermine your independence. If someone says one or two of them, this does not mean that he is necessarily a psychopath. But such statements should be seen as an occasion to take a closer look at your relationship.

1. “You give too much importance to everything”

Of course, there are people who see too much in any situation. hidden meanings. There is only one way to find out if manipulation is hidden in this phrase - to assess in retrospect whether your fears were justified.

From the point of view of the manipulator, all of them former lovers, colleagues and friends - crazy, jealous, drunk or in love with them

Manipulators do things on purpose that make you feel paranoid. For example, flirting with an ex in social networks in front of everyone. If you ask them about it, they will accuse you of making the situation too great importance. A month later, it turns out that they really cheated on you with the same person. The purpose of the manipulator is to make you doubt your intuition. To do this, they constantly throw various hints at you and make you anxious, in order to later accuse you of this very anxiety.

2. "I hate drama"

And yet you will soon find out that there is more drama around them than around anyone you know. Manipulators first put you above everyone else, extolling your wonderful easy temper. But it won't last long because they get bored with everything. They are pathological liars, serial scammers and eternal victims. And soon all these qualities begin to surface and lead you into terrible confusion.

Whenever you mention your concern or dissatisfaction, the manipulators will claim that this is the very drama that they hate to make you feel bad for reacting to their ugly behavior. And they don't want to change their behavior.

3. "You're too sensitive"

Manipulators produce emotions in other people - yes, that's what they do! After showering you with a waterfall of praise and flattery, they soon stop paying attention to you to see how you react to it. And when you react, they'll blame you over-sensitivity or demands. They will insult, belittle and criticize you (usually as a joke, teasing), pushing your personal boundaries until you are outraged.

Then they will turn their own provoked backlash against you to make you look crazy. Manipulators are able to make a person defenseless and insecure - for this they only need time.

4. "You misunderstand me"

Of course, mistakes and misunderstandings happen in healthy couples. But manipulators deliberately arrange provocations. And when you react, they twist everything and accuse you (!) of getting it all wrong. Often they even deny having said anything.

If the manipulator is trying to make you doubt your intuition, it means that it creates problems for him.

This is called "gaslighting" - when they say or do something on purpose, then to accuse others of misunderstanding (or to completely deny that what they said or did took place at all). In fact, you perfectly understood what they said. They are just trying to make you doubt your sanity.

5. "You're out of your mind/jealous/drunk/in love with me"

Labeling usually starts when everything is going downhill. From the manipulator's point of view, all of their ex-lovers, colleagues, and friends are insane, jealous, manic-depressive, drunk, or in love with them. It can be quite confusing when they start calling out to the same people that they previously rebuked before you. Then they throw you into the same “crazy” basket, continuing the endless cycle of idealization and devaluation that every unfortunate person who gets in their way falls into.

The only way to get out of this destructive dynamic is to stop all contact. No messages, calls, emails and friendship in social networks. Otherwise, you can be sure that they will do everything possible and impossible to drive you crazy.

The good news is that if a manipulator is trying to make you doubt your intuition, then it is causing him problems. Manipulators try to psychologically destroy anyone who can threaten their illusions. normal life in the world. So when they start playing "mind games" with you, it's an indirect compliment to your ability to notice when something is wrong with them.

About the expert

Jackson Mackenzie- co-founder of the Psychopath Free online community, which supports victims of communication with psychopaths and manipulators.

« One foreign ambassador asked Empress Catherine II: “How do you, Your Majesty, ensure that your disobedient nobles always obey you?” “I never force them to do what is not profitable for them,” the Empress replied.." Catherine II (Alekseevna)

« Ways of manipulation as many people. » Dziedzic I.

« I consider my most valuable quality to be the ability to arouse enthusiasm in people and develop what is best in a person by recognizing his merits and encouraging." Schwab Ch.

« Decent people have a weak manipulation protection. ." Rowling D.

« If you want to influence other people, then you have to be a person who really stimulates and moves other people forward.." Marks K.

« To each pick up a master key. That's the art of manipulating people." Gracian y Morales B.

« Allowing yourself to be controlled means as much laziness as weakness." LaBruyere J.

« It is harder to manipulate those who crave fame and pleasure than those who crave bread.." Boost P.

« Influence those who influence others." Fairchild D.

« The great art of subjugating people lies in the ability to take them on their good side.» Mirabeau O.

« Manipulative public opinion know how to fish in troubled waters.»

« The reason why it is difficult to manipulate the people is that the people are enlightened and there are a lot of smart people in them.." Lao Tzu

« Let people make any mistakes to their own detriment, if only they can avoid the worst misfortune - the submission of someone else's will.» Vauvenargues L.

« Who knows how to manipulate the opinion of the dissatisfied, determines the fate of mankind." Schwebel V.

« All artmanipulative influence is the art of being honest." Jefferson T.

« Wisdom is not enough to bring the wicked into obedience, but position of power is enough to bend the wise.." Shen Tzu

FUNNY AND FUNNY STATEMENTS AND APHORISMS ABOUT MANIPULATION

« Having become a master manipulator by the age of two, since the age of twelve the child has been toiling from longing with thoroughly controlled parents. Brothers! Which adult did you respect as a child? The ones who didn't succumb to manipulation. Excellent feeling humor and - complete uncontrollability! There were at most two of these teachers per school. And if they were parents - you are very lucky!" Kurdyumov N.

« The best slogans for manipulating citizens are slogans that are so stupid that no average mind can grasp them.." Schwebel V.

« If you do not notice that you are being manipulated, then you are in the hands of professionals.." Unknown

If you find an error, please highlight a piece of text and click Ctrl+Enter.

Why did I decide to cover this topic? At trainings, I often hear that in their work, life, people often face manipulation. Sometimes the manipulation is easy to recognize and resist, and sometimes the understanding that I was affected comes after they succumbed to this manipulation. Since it is time to recognize speech manipulation and resist her.

We deal with manipulation all the time. 100% of the world's population is not only manipulated, but also used to control others, and from birth. For example, when a child cries not because he wants to eat or something hurts him, but simply to get your attention.

Everyone can become a victim of manipulation in communication, because every day we are consciously or unconsciously trying to manipulate the media, politicians, colleagues, clients, acquaintances, friends and relatives. To recognize when they are trying to manipulate you, you need to know what manipulation is, what they are.

And let's start with a small test, now I will give several examples of statements and ask you to determine which of them are manipulations and which are not.

1. How clever man you should value the stability of the company first of all.

2. You're a man - take out the trash.

3. Fell, wrung out.

4. You have a car - let's meet me at the airport.

5. Bring me coffee, please.

6. You love me - buy me a fur coat.

And what allowed you to determine that it was manipulation? How did you choose from the examples?

Manipulation is easy to understand by listening to your feelings.

The appearance of a feeling

• guilt
• uncertainty about your decision
• irritation
• resistance,
• disagreements

says that they are trying to manipulate you.

What is manipulation. There are many definitions of this word, but I settled on the one that I personally share, it is given by the Oxford Dictionary of English language. He interprets manipulation as "the act of hidden influence at people or managing them with dexterity, especially with disparaging overtones, like hidden control and processing.

There are various techniques and methods of manipulation. In my article I want to talk about two types of manipulations simple and complex.

I propose to deal with simple manipulations

Lying is the simplest and most common method of manipulation

But he has much more disadvantages than advantages: if you understand that a person is lying to you, you lose confidence in him, and even when he tells you the truth, you can question it. Remember the story about the boy who yelled "Wolves!"? That's the same. Often, loved ones come up with tall tales to justify their behavior, being late for work, or an unfulfilled request. Faced with this?

Other common and relatively simple methods manipulation - blackmail, how often do you have to hear in your life “if you don’t let me go on vacation, then I will work poorly” or “you won’t buy me a fur coat, you will cook your own food”?

Threats, Intimidation"Don't let me go on vacation - I'll quit." The worst thing about this type of manipulation is that some people follow through with the threats, which is another story.

Bribe. How often do parents bribe children with candy for eating lunch.

But what does it look like in relationships with subordinates? Bribes, kickbacks, the so-called gratitude for a vacation outside the vacation schedule, it can be a bouquet of flowers, a chocolate bar, a personal favor.

Temptation- also a fairly common method of manipulation. Rumor has it that a Serpent on Adam and Eve was the first to test it. You have probably come across this type of manipulation. They offer you something, and when you refuse, they begin to describe all the advantages of the offer to you. And sooner or later, you may agree - if you are tempted by the benefits (and this is what the manipulator wanted to achieve) or if you just get tired and want to finally be left behind.

A more subtle way of manipulation is guilt game. “I am a mother of three children, and you cannot let me go half an hour earlier. Shame on you". However, a person does not have to actually be guilty: it is enough for a manipulator to make him feel guilty. How stronger feeling guilt, the easier it is to manipulate a person.

It works the same way on a person. game on the feeling of gratitude (SORRY). Imagine: you feel bad, you are pitied, you feel gratitude towards the person who pitied you. The manipulator can use this feeling of gratitude to get what they want. Of course, this does not mean that every person who pities you seeks to manipulate you. But if you are suddenly pitied by a person who should not care about you, you should be wary.

Of course, this is not all existing methods manipulation. The list can be continued for a long time: flattery, impact on a sense of pride, sarcasm, intentionally driving a person out of himself (to force him to make a decision under the influence of emotions), silence, speaking teeth, contempt, discontent, resentment (quarrels, tears, etc.) , the use of stereotypes, appeals to authorities ... Every day we are faced with these types of manipulation and use them ourselves. And if you don't want to be manipulated, you need to be aware of these manipulations and be able to recognize them and resist.

The confrontation algorithm is very simple. If you have the feelings we talked about earlier, you need to:

1. Voice your feelings in relation to the words of the interlocutor,

2. Ask about true intentions human

What you say upsets me. For what purpose are you doing this?

Your words irritate me. Tell me straight, what do you want?

I return to the beginning of the article to examples of phrase-manipulations. Phrases 3 and 5 are not manipulation, but all the others are.

I now propose to go to complex species manipulations.

If simple manipulations are aimed at playing on emotions, then complex ones are already aimed at “brainwashing”.

Each person analyzes his environment, people and himself according to certain features of the perception of the world around him. The so-called logical levels.

I propose to consider these features on the basis of the pyramid. She reflects visual image how a person perceives the environment.

Each person can perceive at all logical levels, but most often everyone has one dominant level, maybe two. This is the so-called filter through which a person perceives the environment.

I propose to disassemble the pyramid in more detail. Total 6 logical levels:

Mission	Everything I do is for the prosperity of the company.
Personal identity (role)	I am a sales professional.
Values, belief	Customer focus is important to us. No contact - no sale.
Capabilities	Thanks to this, they can travel to customers, make sales, bring many new customers to the company.
Behavior	Specialists call clients. Enter customer information into CRM system
Environment	Computer, table and chair, plants in the office, colleagues and clients

I propose to check the understanding of logical levels.

I will now give examples of phrases, determine to which level this or that phrase belongs.

I motivate, give orders, lead meetings.

Leadership, team, people, efficiency are important to me

Office, employees, clients

I know how to unite people, I make decisions quickly

I can lead a team

Everything I do is for my subordinates.

Complex manipulations are a mixture lower levels with higher ones, skipping one or more levels.

How often have you heard the following phrases?

• “Well, aren’t you a specialist or something, can’t you do this work yourself?”
• “If you are a true friend, then support me in Hard time and lend 100 bucks.
• “Are you not a man: you can’t hang a shelf!”
• "Professional equipment for professionals!"
• “Good (efficient, successful, businesslike, elegant, stylish, etc.) people (hostesses, specialists, businessmen, tourists, etc.) always choose the product of the company “Z”.

As you probably have already discovered, in these sentences there is an obvious - a mixture of logical levels: personal originality (ROLE) is directly connected with behavior or environment. However, there is no information from intermediate levels: values, beliefs and abilities.

Of course, such a “packaging” of information significantly speeds up communication: instead of describing each “matryoshka” separately, you give the person the largest one, and imply the presence of the rest. On the other hand, there is a significant degree of probability that, without checking the contents of a large matryoshka, you will take away something superfluous in it (for your model of the world).

Let's try to determine which levels are mixed in the following examples?

1. As a smart person, you should value stability and reliability first of all.

2. You are a leader - you need to learn how to work at a computer!

3. You're a man - take out the trash.

4. A true professional should have his own laptop.

5. To be attractive and beautiful, you need to learn how to dance belly dance!

So what are possible ways response to mixing logic levels

There are many ways to resist complex manipulations, I propose to consider only one.

Clarifying question to any part of the phrase. Ask a question to one of the levels. For example, “You are a man - take out the trash”, “and who do you consider a man, why should a man take out the trash? etc."

So, it is not possible to avoid manipulations, not to apply them in the same way.

They have a number of advantages, but if you understand that you are being influenced to the detriment of your interests, resist.

If you want to recognize and resist any kind of manipulation, I invite you to the training Effective Negotiations. How to resist verbal manipulation.

Answers to questions in the text, what level does the statement belong to?:

1. I motivate, give orders, lead meetings. BEHAVIOR
2. Leadership, team, people, efficiency are important to me VALUES
3. Office, employees, clients ENVIRONMENT
4. I know how to unite people, I make decisions quickly BELIEF
5. I can lead the PERSON team
6. Everything I do is for the sake of my subordinates MISSION
7. I am the leader ROLE

Answers to questions in the text, what levels are mixed in the statement.

1. L identity - Values.
2. Personality - Abilities.
3. Personality - Behavior.
4. Personality - Environment.
5. Values ​​- Abilities.