It is possible that you, like many adults who are introduced to the reflective listening say to yourself:

“It is very lofty and noble to help a child realize his feelings, but I also have feelings, and it would be nice if the child also knew about them.”

Communicating to a child how a parent is feeling can be both effective and ineffective. The difference will become clear if you understand the difference between the constructions:

"YOU MESSAGE" and "I MESSAGE"

Many of the “messages” that adults “send” to a child contain the word “YOU”: “You better put it off”, “YOU shouldn’t do this”, etc. this case"YOU" offends and makes the other person feel miserable.

The "I am the message" formula shows you how your child's behavior makes you feel. For example: “I can’t explain a lesson when someone is making such a noise” or “I don’t like that toys are scattered on the floor.” This formula focuses on the feelings of the adult and does not blame the child.

The "I am the message" formula is more effective because it implements trust and respect, giving the child the opportunity to keep good health. Moreover, it reduces the antagonism between adult and child. How to build "I am a MESSAGE"? We have already seen that in trying to correct a child's behavior, we must focus on his behavior, and not on his self-awareness.

Now let's do next step: parental or pedagogical anger is usually caused not by the child's behavior itself, but by the consequences of such behavior.

These are the very consequences that intersect with the desires or rights of adults.

If the adult does not perceive the consequences of the child's behavior as frustrating and anger-inducing, then probably will not worry, unless the child's actions are really harmful and dangerous.

For example, mom is busy doing laundry while the kids are having a great time laughing and chatting out loud. At this moment, everyone is busy with something and does not bother each other. The neighbor rings the doorbell, and mom opens it and starts talking to her. Now the noise made by the children annoys her, as it interferes with the conversation with the neighbor.

This example shows that you are often annoyed not so much by the behavior of children as by its consequences for you personally. That is why it is important to tell children how you feel about it. It is also necessary to make children understand that the experiences of an adult refer specifically to the consequences of their behavior, and not to the behavior itself. In the example above, the mother might say, "Because of this noise, I can barely hear Aunt Tanya."

Since irritation is caused by the consequences of children's behavior, a remark made by an adult in accordance with the "I - report" formula will be more effective than a simple shout. The construction "I - report - in response" includes three steps:

1. A nonjudgmental description of the child's behavior: "When you scatter your things everywhere ...".

2. An indication of how the child's behavior interferes with the adult: "... I have to put them away."

3. Description of the feelings experienced at the same time by adults: "... and I absolutely do not like to take on this responsibility."

When using the "I - report - in response" formula, you should be prepared to:

§ focus on your own or someone else's experiences, but not on the child;

§ communicate with the child in a tone that demonstrates attention and respect;

§ avoid accusations, criticism, etc.;

§ Listen carefully to what the child says about their problem.

Briefly, the formula "I - report - in response" generally covers three specific points of the situation:

The behavior of the child - the feelings of the parent - the consequences of the behavior of the child for the adult.

The following open-ended sentences will help you build your communication around this formula:

1. When you ... (stating the act of the child).

2. I feel ... (statement of your experiences).

3. Because ... (stating the consequences of the child's behavior).

It is not necessary to strictly adhere to the proposed sequence certain parts formulas "I - report - in response"; in some cases, you can, for example, omit a message about your experiences. Simple statements like, “I can’t clean my apartment because your bike is lying in the hallway” are just as effective as saying, “When you make noise, I don’t hear what is being answered at all, and it annoys me.”

The construction of the “I - inform - in response” construction depends on the situation. It is important to remember the following:

§ the message is fixed on the experiences of an adult (even if these experiences are not specifically mentioned);

§ it gives the child an idea of ​​what exactly his behavior interferes with an adult;

§ It does not contain accusations against anyone. Building positive relationships between adults and children is both rewarding and exhausting. In some cases your efforts are rewarded, in others you are disappointed. This requires a lot of work for both the child and the adult.

And at the end of a few general rules effective communication adult and child.

1. Talk to your child in a friendly, respectful tone. In order to influence the child, you must learn to restrain your criticism and see positive side communication with the child. The tone in which you address the child should demonstrate respect for him as a person.

2. Be both firm and kind. Having chosen a course of action, you should not hesitate. Be friendly and don't act like a judge.

3. Reduce control. Supervision of children usually requires special attention adults and rarely leads to success. More effective is a calm, reflecting reality, planning course of action.

4. Support the child. An adult can support the child by acknowledging his efforts and contributions as well as his achievements, and by showing that he understands his feelings when things are not going well. Unlike rewards, support is needed even when the child is not successful.

5. Have courage. Changing behavior takes practice and patience. If some approach turns out to be unsuccessful, there is no need to despair, you should stop and analyze the experiences and actions - both of the child and your own. As a result, the next time the adult will know better what to do in a similar situation.

6. Demonstrate mutual respect. Teachers and parents must demonstrate trust in the child, confidence in him and respect for him as a person.

Some ways to overcome conflicts between children and adults.

Twelve-year-old Sonya and her mother were arguing over who should clean Sonya's room. The mother thought it was her daughter's duty, but she said she would not clean her room.

What happens between Sonya and her mother? Mother wants Sonya to be responsible for her room; however, she talks about it in such a tone that Sonya takes a defensive stance. On the other hand, whenever Sonya starts to defend herself, the mother becomes more and more "deaf". The conflict is deepening. How can Sonya and her mother solve it?

How to resolve conflicts so that everyone wins?

"Don't tell me what to do
and I won't tell you where to go"
A running joke.

But how easy it turns out to get along with people, if you know just a few secrets! All the most successful approaches effective communication - simple, elegant and effortless, which is why I love it!

And for all their ease and obviousness, these skills (if they are understood and applied correctly) give such incredible results that sometimes it’s hard to believe - all this: mutual understanding, trust, willingness to follow your advice, good mood and the gratitude of relatives, relatives, friends, colleagues - all this thanks to one simple little thing?

Thursday is the end of the week. If you are still thinking about how to gently point out to your subordinate his mistakes in his work and explain to him how to act more correctly, or if you need to talk to your husband or wife about some of his behavior or actions that make you nervous and worried, or if your child does not understand your dissatisfaction and does everything as if to harm you, then it's time to think about HOW we usually try to convey our thoughts to people who live, work, and relax next to us.

The fact is that we often accuse other people of misunderstanding, of negative emotions, of unwillingness to listen and hear us, without noticing how we ourselves, unwillingly, negatively influence their emotions, we ourselves provoke defensive reactions, reciprocal aggression and unwillingness to follow our " the right advice". How does this happen?

Surprisingly, this is due to incorrect construction phrases! Not because of WHAT specifically we want to say or WHY we do it! The problem may lie in HOW we do it! The same thought can be verbalized in different ways. Conventionally, all our messages to other people can be divided into two types "I-messages" and "You-messages".

The difference is that when we build our phrases like "I-messages", we, first of all, describe what happens to us in response to the behavior or words of another person, and not tell him how to act in order to we got better. "You-message", on the contrary, first of all, contains a recommendation to another how to act, while it may not convey any information about why exactly we believe that the other person should do this.

Simply put, the "I-message" is frank information about you, what you need, what your needs are, what your reaction is to certain words of the interlocutor, his behavior and / or the current situation. "You-message" is an attempt to act immediately on another, bypassing explanations own state, in fact, this is an order, criticism, often accusations.

A simple example from SMS correspondence:
Message "Where are you?" we are all familiar with - perhaps we ourselves have sent and received such messages more than once. How does this message make the recipient feel? Does he need to report, give explanations, perhaps even justify himself?

Is this what the sender wanted? Maybe he/she wanted to say "I'm waiting for you!", "I missed you (missed you)!" or "I don't have time to wait anymore, let's reschedule our meeting for another day"?

Feel the difference? These are examples of "You-messages" and "I-messages". And although at first glance the difference between "I" and "You-messages" may seem insignificant, the message that the interlocutor receives differs dramatically in the messages!

Undoubtedly, the "You-message" is more familiar. However, the "I-message" is fraught with so many pleasant bonuses that all the "difficulties of translation" quickly disappear, one has only to start communicating in a new way!

The trick (and complexity at the same time) of using "I-messages" is that, first of all, we have to think and understand what is really happening to us - what we feel, how we feel, what we want and why, in response to that we had this emotion, why we made this decision or entered this state. Strange as it may seem, we are often so busy telling others what to do that we simply stop observing ourselves carefully, we stop understanding ourselves - how can we expect other people to understand us correctly?

Obviously, in order to be better understood by others, we will have to relearn how to understand ourselves! Listen, look, subtly feel any internal changes states.

The meaning of communication is in the reaction it evokes. One of the presuppositions of NLP

Instruction:

1. Before expressing your dissatisfaction, first pay attention to what you yourself are now feeling, thinking, feeling. Say it to yourself, verbalize it, define it: "I'm feeling irritated right now and I think my boss is an idiot."

2. Think about what you really want from the situation and the conversation related to it: do you really want to change the situation, prevent it from happening again, or do you want to "drain" your negative emotion on another and come what may!?

3. If you want real changes, then follow the instructions below, if not, then "stupidly" drain the emotion and let everything happen again.

4. Depending on what you want to achieve in communication, make up your "I-message" about what you do not like in communication with other people. For example: "When they shout at me, I feel like a guilty schoolboy and generally cease to understand the interlocutor" or "When you are late at work and do not call, I feel anxiety and start to go crazy."

5. Use in your phrases mainly the words "I", "me", "me", etc. (instead of the usual "you", "you", "you", etc.)

6. Check out the "translator" below. Make your own list of "You-messages" from those phrases that you say and that you are told at work, at home, in friendly conversations. Translate "You-messages" into "I-messages".

7. Tell about this approach as much as you can more friends and acquaintances. Help each other to translate your messages - sometimes it is easier to reformulate someone else's thought and it turns out better when emotions do not interfere with constructive thinking.

8. Use your new "I-messages" instead of your usual "You-messages" as often as possible. Enjoy new constructive and pleasant communication!

Examples of possible translations:

You are the message	i-message
Stop flickering before your eyes!	When you walk "back and forth" it is very difficult for me to concentrate!
Turn off the music as long as you can talk!	Music interferes with my work
Make a deal now	When I do not receive documents from you on time, I have a very unpleasant conversations with clients, and our "Book of reviews and suggestions" is updated with new complaints about my work
Stop teasing me!	When I hear rudeness addressed to me, I generally lose the desire to communicate and want to leave
You should change your style!	Our bank has adopted a uniform dress code for all employees. When someone breaks this rule, it causes displeasure of the management.
Get it off the table!	I don't like dirty dishes on the table
Dress warmly!	I'm worried about your health.

By expressing our feelings and thoughts in the "I-message" format, we give the interlocutor the right to make a decision himself, to feel free in his choice, thus saving him from the need to defend himself. However, the use of "I-messages" also requires from us courage and high own self-esteem, because by giving a person the opportunity to decide for himself whether to react at all to our comments, we will invariably find out his true attitude towards us - whether our opinion is important to him, whether he tries to keep warm relationship with us, whether our feelings bother him. And if the answer is not the most joyful for us, then we will have to do something about it, perhaps making decisions that are uncomfortable or difficult for us, from which we have been hiding for a long time. Even so, "I-messages" work for us - providing information and food for thought. In the overwhelming majority of cases, replacing “You-messages with “I-messages” leads to appeasement, improved mutual understanding, normalizes relationships and increases general level communication - it becomes more positive, more respectful and mutually enjoyable!

P.S. Do you want your subordinates to fulfill your orders and instructions with joy and enthusiasm? Yes? Then, paradoxically, you will again have to take care of yourself! We pay a lot of attention to "ourselves" on the course. I ask the participants of our trainings, and sometimes even demand, "be selfish! Finally, take care of yourself! And people, as they say, will reach out to you not only with their hands!"

As Jim Rohn (the world famous business philosopher) said: “You should not chase success, you should make yourself such a person that he will pursue you. master key to your future - it's you; it's not the economy, it's not market success, it's not government or taxes."

And for this we have a wide variety of means: in particular, to solve specific task with the diligence of employees, we can offer you a specification of the goal, feedback High Quality, the SCORE model, the structure of human motives and much more! Unless, of course, you really need it!

Recently, more and more parents are moving away from authoritarian style education, replacing it with a more democratic one, which is very commendable.

Having learned how to properly build communication with his child, an adult contributes to the formation of trust, cooperation, respect and equality in the family on the basis of emotional acceptance child.

Very effective for use during communication with a child is the "I - messages" technique, which was proposed by the representative of the humanistic trend in psychology, K. Rogers.

When a child's behavior causes negative emotions in an adult, instead of going to the usual notations (or even physical assault), it is worth trying to apply the “I-message” technique.

What does the name of this technique mean? It's quite simple: sentences containing personal pronouns "I, me, me" are called "I-messages", and statements using the words "you, you, you" are called "You-messages".

How to build phrases using the “I-messages” technique?

1. It is necessary to accurately and correctly describe the feeling or emotion that this moment owns you in relation to the behavior of the child: “I am upset”, “I am upset”, “I don’t like it”.
2. Further, it is necessary to accurately impersonal form describe the behavior of the child that causes your negative emotions. The word “when” must be used here: “I don’t like it when they throw snow at me.”
3. State the reason for your backlash, concretizing it with the word “because”: “I don’t like it when they throw snow at me, because I’m cold.”
4. Finish your sentence with a clear statement possible consequences, which will need to be implemented if this behavior of the child continues: “I don’t like it when they throw snow at me, because I’m cold, and I’ll move on.”

Benefits of the I-Message Technique

• Helps express negative feelings in a child-friendly way.
• They will allow the child to get to know you better, because when you are open and sincere in expressing your feelings, children become the same in expressing theirs. Simply put, you do not evaluate the child and his actions, but talk about how these actions make you feel, which allows the child not to feel bad and make the right decision himself.

Just compare how differently the same situation is perceived: “What did you do - you threw sand at me, why ?!” (how many threats, accusations are there - the child’s behavior is condemned and assessed as bad) and “I don’t like it when they throw sand at me, because there is a lot of dirt from it” (You expressed your feelings by letting the child do it himself correct conclusions about your behavior).

Try to rebuild your communication with the child and you will see that he will begin to trust you more, open up to you just as emotionally, become more understanding, respecting someone else's point of view and other people's feelings.

Using this seemingly simple technique, however, will not be so easy in practice - it will take patience, time and the ability to apply the technique without error.

Errors in the application of the "I-messages" technique

1. When feelings are reflected into untrue power, because the discrepancy between the words “I am slightly upset” and the face “boiling” with anger will immediately break the child’s trust and give birth to insecurity.
2. The transition from “I-message” to “You-message”, i.e. again on the path of accusations and assessments: "I'm upset because you broke my chain."

Communicate with the child correctly and with pleasure!

You can learn more about the “I-message” technique in the book by Gippernreiter Yu. B. “Communicate with a child. How?"

i-message or I-statement is a form of effective and conflict-free message. Today I present the shortest self-message formula. it literally consists of 2 words.

I am the message

The shortest form of I-messages.

The shortest formula I-messages consists of only 2 words. This is very important form communications.

Moreover, this form of I-message serves an external and internal purpose.

Examples of short I-messages.

Short "I-message": I'm shy.

I rejoice. I love. I am angry. I'm excited. I am enchanted. I am angry. I'm afraid. I'm disappointed.

The external goal of I-messages.

The most important external target any i - messages , including the short one help your interlocutor learn about you : about your feelings, desires, intentions. Help to find out about your emotional state, Your reaction to what is happening.

Example.

You come home from work frowning and tense. Your spouse asks, “What happened?” . Your answer: "nothing" will not clarify, but will only aggravate the wife's anxiety. Much better, especially when you don't want to talk, will be the answer: "I'm tired" or even "I'm tense." These phrases will serve to continue your conversation with your wife in a constructive dialogue. Moreover, even 5 minutes will not pass, as your tension and fatigue will disappear somewhere.

The inner goal of the Self is messages.

The Most Important Inner Purpose of the Short Me Message is to help you reduce the intensity of your feelings and sensations .

If you are subscribed to my newsletter Secrets of your good mood “, then you know the rule for reducing the degree of incandescence strong feeling. You need to name it as accurately as possible (remember Dictionary of Feelings) and assign it to yourself. That is to say in the form i-messages.

RULE: The precisely named feeling on behalf of "I" passes to a lower level in terms of the degree of experience, sensation, or is replaced by another feeling.

Example.

You have just been shouted at and yours is simply furious and wants to take revenge on the offender.

Wrong: try to calm down and suppress this feeling in yourself (by the way, what kind?). So before a heart attack or a suddenly opened gastric ulcer is within easy reach!

Correctly:

• quickly determine your feeling and select correct word for its expression;
• in this example this feeling is rage;
• expressing out loud (if this is a close one) or in a whisper / silently (if this is a boss) this feeling in the form of a short I-message;
• I am angry! The intensity does not decrease, then try: I am furious, I want revenge, It hurts me ...
• Help with your body: stamp your foot, clench your fists, shake your hands in the air!
• Yeah… the feeling started to change… You seem to be calming down.
• Have you learned this lesson?

So, the short I-message formula is both simple and powerful at the same time.

Can you imagine how powerful and feature rich the complete 5-step i-message form is?

Do you want to start using full form in the most difficult and confusing situations of interaction with other people?

Then right now, dedicated detailed analysis and development full formula i-statements .

I-message will help you:

Build phrases and prepare a speech considering the main 5 components of the “I-text”.

Communicate without conflict and seek from the interlocutor the actions you need.

Treat yourself in difficult and stressful situations.

End relationship for emotional level with former lovers, spouses, bosses, without resorting to communication with them.

Say goodbye to the dead, if you did not have time to do it during your lifetime. Or someone you no longer want to date.

Speak like a successful communicator.

Write in the comments, examples of successful use of a short I-message in communication.

I-sharing!!!

Read the best materials of the psychologist of happiness on this topic!

• There is special cases in communication and life to use the full formula of the I-message. The 5-Step I-message formula serves here as a more serious […]
• I-message or I-statement is an effective speech formula, a formula for conflict-free communication. "I-message" serves not only as a formula for communication. […]
• I invite you to the happiness psychologist webinars - this is an opportunity to learn and receive psychological help online. Tomorrow is the 3rd, and in a week […]
• Today's article is for those who wish to prepare and host their first webinar magnet. Video lesson "7 interactive webinar ideas", course descriptions […]

Everyone normal person at least once in his life he dreamed of a spell that would help him establish contacts with other people. It doesn't matter who it is: a child, a boss, or just an acquaintance.

The most offensive thing is that there is such a magic spell, but they began to talk about it openly not so long ago. This is the so-called "I-message".

The best instruction for communication methods, in my opinion, is described in the books of Julia Gippenreiter - I recommend reading it.

What are we used to


- You didn't put the toys away again!

How often do we say something like that! But what happens: on the one hand, this is true - the case is not an isolated one. On the other hand, it turns out that it is this special person does it with surprising regularity.

Again you play these computer games!

You might think that others don't. But what does the other person hear?

Accusations, dissatisfaction. What is his natural reaction, especially if it is a child or a spouse? “I got it”, “again I’m extreme”, “yes-yes-yes, I’m bad, I know.” That is, a person tries on not the need to do something, but the negative! Self-esteem falls, a person begins to feel unnecessary, flawed, an eternal hindrance.

I am a message on the shelves

Now let's see what happens if we say the same thing, but in other words:

It frustrates me to have to trip over toys. So you can fall and get hurt.

It worries me when they play on the computer for too long. It's bad for the eyes.

The difference is immediately visible: in the second options, no one is to blame. The message is equally applicable to any member of the family. That is, the offensive association “again I am extreme” does not arise.

Moreover, you can’t shout out such a phrase and you can’t strain it through your teeth. As long as you formulate it, you will already calm down.

The combination of such features allows a person to hear our true emotions, which we ourselves may not be aware of. In addition, I-messages do not provoke further conflict. Nobody offended anyone - there is nothing to argue with.

I was so worried that you were late - we are talking about the fact that we were worried that a person is not indifferent to us. And if you don’t think about words, what would a mother say to a teenage son who was late home? I think that everyone will have many options in their heads and almost all of them will lead to an inevitable conflict between loved ones.

I'm not a magician, I'm just learning

Of course, this method, like any other, needs to be learned and mastered. It is much easier to give a personalized you message than to construct an unfamiliar impersonal phrase. But it's worth a try.

And what a wonderful relationship with children! But, alas, not immediately. And it is impossible to build trusting relationships on me-messages alone. But here's to smooth out a lot sharp corners- amazingly easy.

Especially if you know how to praise and scold correctly. After all, each of these cases has its own subtleties and secrets.

If you are interested, I will be happy to tell you about it.

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