Anger. A very important FEELING. Not to be confused with anger and evil as a concept.

Where it is suppressed for a long time, access to the energy of desires is lost - I don’t know what I want, there, over time, experiences “I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I am”, a variety of sores appear there, if it is long and suppress very carefully.

There appear uncontrolled outbreaks anything - total guilt, read - anger directed at oneself, depression can form there, an inner critic appears there, who settles in the head like a fat troll and devalues ​​every step, questions his own goodness, and in order not to collapse from all this, there are projections into external world- all people become shit, the weather too, but in general a lot of things immediately become shit and injustice.

Where anger is suppressed, constant resentment arises, from which one can endlessly cry into a pillow at night, or walk around with an often sore throat.

Anger - it is different.

It happens as a protection of the valuable.

And it happens as a symptom of the fact that I somehow do not take responsibility for my life, believing that others should do what I think is fair and right, that it should be clear to others what I mean, even when I don't say this directly.

But in any case, anger is the regulator of one's own boundaries.

Where anger is suppressed, there is no clarity in experiencing one's own boundaries. He throws it in violation of strangers, then in excessive bending of his own.

Anger is often referred to as " negative feeling", they often believe that being angry is bad, stupid, pointless, wrong, unrighteous.

And it seems to me that the whole point is that expressing anger is a whole skill that is not taught anywhere.

Often, anger is considered dangerous - dangerous for relationships, dangerous for the assessment of others (what will people think of me? I want to be "good" in other people's eyes ... yes, in general, there is a whole locomotive of everything that can reach for this).

Anger is the teeth of personality.

They can chew what is useful.

They can protect themselves.

They can express themselves.

The question is not whether to get angry or suppress your anger. The question is HOW to express your anger.

When I worked with children, for many of them it was a real discovery that one can express one's anger with the words "I'm angry now", "When you take away my toy or destroy my buildings, ruin my drawings, I'm angry, I don't like it, please , do not do this, otherwise I will move away from you / I will swear with you / I will not trust you.

Before the only way to defend himself and express anger, it was to take away the toy, ruin the drawing in response, hit, call names, throw a tantrum, and once, the boy endured, endured, and then took a knife and rushed at his offender.

Parents who were also never taught to express their anger clutched their hearts, felt ashamed, yelled at their children, forced them to stop it = suppress their anger. After all, what are people going to think?

Few people taught us to recognize our anger: "You are now angry because Vanya took your toy. You have the right to be angry and say about it:" I'm angry and I don't want you to take the toy, return it.

“You don’t need to beat Vanya, it hurts. But you can take care of yourself by identifying yourself and warning about what you will do if Vanya does not hear you and continues.”

Or "You're angry now, because you want to continue playing, but it's time to end the game. I notice you in your anger. But you don't need to beat me for this, it hurts me and I won't allow myself to be beaten. You can talk about your anger and worry her. I can see that you don't want to end the game. But those are the rules, there's nothing to be done about it. We have to leave, no matter how hard it is."

Anger is a way to understand yourself. A way to feel your importance, yourself.

Anger is always a marker of something important. And, as a rule, it is a wrapper for deeper feelings and experiences. But not realizing the anger, we seem to throw out the boxes with this wrapper called "anger", not knowing what is inside these boxes. And there are often jewels called "my valuables." Giving ourselves the opportunity to feel anger, living it, we remove these wrappers, exploring what is wrapped in them.

Living with anger is not the same as punching in the face, insulting, destroying everything around you. To live with anger is to stay in touch with that feeling, to give it space for as long as it needs to. Take care of your own safety and those around you.

Insulting a person and labeling yourself "I get angry when you do this" or "I'm angry with you now and ready to continue the conversation when I calm down" are completely different things.

For in the first case (in insults) excitement is overwhelmed, on which actions are performed that can be regretted by "sobering up" from anger.

In the second case, there is a clear designation of oneself and the allocation of space for oneself to ripen anger into some other quality. For example, in realizing the value of not allowing yourself to be insulted.

Or in the experience of regret that it is very sad that everything did not happen the way you wanted.

Or in experiencing the value of relationships with this person. Or in the realization that actually lives under this anger own fear or vulnerability.

Anger is a loyal dog who is always on guard for the safety and values ​​​​of his master. It is only important to tame, make friends with this dog.

P.S. And yes, by the way, where anger is suppressed, there is fertile ground for dependent relationships.

Terribly tired ... is when different corners of your feelings

become incomprehensible to you. And you start to regret

yourself and get angry at others.

And already because of this - to be angry with yourself and feel sorry for others ...

Well, something like that.

Haruki Murakami

Reason for anger this is… So why do we need anger why did mother nature create such universal emotion, which is able to protect and kill? Why do people suppress anger, and what happens when anger remains suppressed, and then splashed out? And how do you deal with anger?

In the animal kingdom anger plays an integral part of life. Allows you to protect the territory, take care of yourself and offspring. AT human life, anger function disrupted and has already reached epidemic proportions. Psychologists, employees of prison institutions, oncologists, bystanders, relatives and friends deal with the consequences of suppressed anger ...

Anger can arise from dissatisfaction. For example, I don't like it when people throw papers on the street, and when I see this, this behavior starts to piss me off. Can different ways to express this anger, but it will arise again and again when the situation with the piece of paper is repeated. So maybe the problem is with me, with my leads for morality, decency? Maybe a situation in the distant past, where adults gave me clicks on the nose, because I threw pieces of paper from sweets reminds me of myself? In this case, there is no aggressor, but there is an internal attitude, attitudes towards the situation that trigger the mechanism of anger.

Some people get angry with the intent of making the other person angry. Often this is due to a lack internal energy. What does it mean? It means that, having angered another person, the one who is angry splashes out great amount energy. This is what people with weak energy use, as if fueled by a charge from them. By the way, many people do this not at all intentionally, but unconsciously. Familiar?

A person who does not feel love, sympathy for himself, for other people, is in itself very aggressive. Images of children who grew up without parental care, love, attention pop up in my memory ...

The emergence of repressed anger.

If an example, then it looks like this. Here I am Small child, feeling angry is completely normal for me. My parents and kindergarten teachers do not like that I show feelings of dissatisfaction, demand different things, bite, have my own character, and against this background, I become absolutely uncontrollable (in their opinion). In order to control me, they suppress my anger under the pretext of punishment (physical or emotional). In time, I already know that if I get angry then I will be punished. Naturally I choose to keep anger in yourself because in many ways I am simply dependent on my parents. As a result, instead of manifestations of anger, I choose suppression of anger, which is accompanied neurotic behavior; biting my nails, biting my lips, pinching myself, hitting me...

Then a school, where similar appeals to me by "adult" people are repeated, an institute or a technical school, an army. Next, I go out adulthood an emotional cripple, unable to defend his opinion, make decisions, defend himself, with a bunch of psychosomatic diseases. But very predictable and obedient. What else is needed state system from a person?

If this looks funny, then ask yourself; if you were the boss, would you like the fact that the employee is angry with you, expresses his opinion, acts in his own way? And how to be a boss over such an employee? It's easier to fire such a scoundrel!

Remember the story of Stalin's rule, where peculiar people who expressed their opinion were simply sent to camps or killed? Do you know that people with repressed anger, willingly go to war and kill, so how is there a legalized way to express aggression? Government officials know about it, and apply it in practice with great success.

The religious society came to the aid of the state system by declaring anger – sin. Sin, as you know, “someone out there” is punishable. Under penalty of malice, the person suppresses it. To control a person, it is enough to make him afraid. Fear!!! Fear makes people obedient. fear and repressed feelings, make a soulless idol out of a person with a time bomb inside.

I worked as a psychologist in prison for quite some time. strict regime. At first, I was surprised that outwardly calm prisoners were serving sentences for murder, violence, perversion of children. Only later I realized that the prisoners are only seemingly calm, despite the fact that they contain their feelings for a certain time, until repressed anger does not break out in the form of rage with fatal consequences.

Anger and resentment

As I already wrote, anger is quite natural feeling, like love, sympathy ... In human relations, always occur different feelings. Anger that is no exception. Just now anger sometimes it is simply impossible to present. Then, optimal behavior in that case, is suppression of anger, or resentment.

Resentment is anger directed at oneself

In other words, a person has already learned how to deal with his anger, and chooses be angry with yourself, to suppress aggression, rather than to present it.

The other side of resentment is that people often choose to feel resentment in order to blame the other for manipulative purposes. "If I'm offended, then it's your fault, and if you're to blame, then I'm right." In this way, many people try to seize an imaginary superiority over another person.

You know cause of suicidal behavior? The answer is paradoxical, but simple. In some situation, a person is just angry, but for some reason unable to express this anger. Situations are repeated and feelings of anger remain and accumulate. Then, this feeling angry he points to himself. One of the forms of such direction anger and eat suicidal behavior.

Fear of rejection is another reason why people suppress anger. In this case, be angry with yourself safer in the sense that if a person get angry at another, that is, the probability that it will be rejected. And the fear of rejection for a person is sometimes stronger than any other fear. By the way, exactly rejection manipulation often used by parents to pacify the child.

- What are you feeling now?

- I'm offended.

Well, resentment is anger at oneself. Can you talk about your anger?

- Not!

- What prevents you from talking about anger?

“I have a fear that if I show anger, you will reject me.

There is also this; " I'm mad at you, and as bad as it is, I start to get mad at myself for being angry". There is already a feeling of guilt. The vicious circle closes, which can be opened only through hard and painstaking work in psychotherapy sessions.

Pain and anger.

Every adult has experienced feelings of pain in a physical, emotional sense and coped with this feeling in different ways. Pain is a state that carries a huge charge of emotions. If these emotions remain unexpressed, suppressed, then a charge is formed accumulated anger. And as a result: depression, chronic insomnia, joint pain, headache, and a host of other diseases. (About 90% of psychosomatic diseases are associated with the suppression of feelings. Suppressed feelings of anger top of the list).

Thought about why heartache does not go away at all over the years, and it happens even the other way around - it gets worse? The fact is that unlived pain, unexpressed anger, remains inside a person, and reminds of itself in the form of symptoms and unpleasant memories.

Anger in its direction is always objective. In psychotherapy sessions, I sometimes hear from a client that he angry at the whole planet, for all women or men, but behind this “ALL”, one person is hiding - the “massive entertainer”. What does it mean? But the fact that anger at everyone, this is hidden anger per person, only this anger is repressed, hidden. If this anger at all men, then in fact it is anger at one man, but from one man, is already projected onto everyone.

Anger in a dream, is a good indicator that you have repressed anger. Suppressed in real situation emotion, striving to end in a dream through action. Anger in a dream can be expressed in different images: toothed animal, sharp objects, fight, violence, murder, own death ...

Sadness. Yearning. Boredom.

It may seem ridiculous, but sadness, melancholy, boredom, are symptoms repressed anger. Instead of telling an annoying and uninteresting opponent to shut up and go home, they choose to just listen in silence and yawn.

Significantly, clients experiencing chronic fatigue, sadness, become very energetic and mobile when they succeed in psychotherapy sessions, release repressed anger. By the way, after the acquired vigor, many symptoms pass.

I am sometimes asked - how to suppress anger? The answer is simple! You can “strangle” this feeling in yourself, endure, not express, be silent, pretend that nothing special is happening, but remember that in case suppression of anger, anger will suppress You.

How to deal with anger? There are many options, of course, but I want to focus on two. You can deal with anger by expressing it explicitly. You can beat dishes, make a scandal, start fights, ... Such a reaction is sometimes not entirely appropriate, but in many cases it is even very effective. In doing so, you attack the aggressor in some way. I find this way of expressing anger destructive.

There is another universal way to deal with anger is to talk about your anger. At the same time, you talk about your anger, express it, and do not suppress it. Also, I think this way of expressing anger is constructive, because you talk about yourself, your feelings, your boundaries, your needs and don't attack at all.

Example:
— Listen, I'm really mad at you. I am annoyed by your boorish attitude towards me and my things. I don't like it when you listen to my opinion. I want you to consider me, in any case, with those questions that concern me personally.

The cure for anger

Always for anger hidden need. If you get angry, then ask yourself the question - "what do I want when I'm angry?" If on you angry then ask boldly - “what do you want when you are angry?”. Identification of needs against the background of anger - neutralizes anger itself.

Example 1
« I'm sick of you constantly ignoring me!» Here it is not at all clear about the desires of a person who is angry.
Example 2
« I want you to give me more attention ". In this case, it is very clear about the feelings and desires of a person.
At first glance, this behavior may seem wild and unusual, but I think that it is more wild suppression of anger, or mindless fist swinging.

P.S. Do not confuse anger with anger and hatred - these are different feelings, despite the fact that anger and hatred take their origins from anger. Suppressed, accumulated anger turns into destructive force sometimes hard to manage. The line between normal and abnormal anger is very blurred. The article was written on 09/08/2010.

We looked at how to deal with anger towards other people. This article will focus on the suppression of anger and anger directed at oneself.

Since in society anger is considered a manifestation of a bad character, we are taught from an early age not to be angry. Parents and educators condemn aggressive behavior and try their best to suppress it. Over time, the habit of "crushing" anger in ourselves becomes part of our behavior. As soon as a person feels growing anger in himself, he tries to contain it in himself.

How is anger driven in?

In such cases, the energy of anger is directed inside the person. Imagine that you want to sneeze, but instead you are holding your nose and mouth. Represented? The same thing comes from holding back anger inside. It literally undermines human health.

People who suppress anger inside themselves are inactive (they are also called lazy), constantly exhausted and often in a state of apathy and depression. And this is not surprising. Most of their strength is spent on curbing anger and aggression. As a result, they may develop various physical diseases.

It is also harmful to be angry with yourself. We direct anger and aggression at ourselves when we are dissatisfied with ourselves or our behavior. The cause of dissatisfaction lies in the emotions of guilt and shame. When we feel guilty or ashamed, we feel like punishing ourselves. Someone does not skimp on a tough word against himself, and someone can punish himself with deprivation of communication or enjoyment.

How to learn to manage anger?

If you are used to suppressing anger in yourself, the first thing to do is to recognize your right to express this emotion. After all, the appearance of irritation and a desire to be angry is due to the fact that something is going wrong with you. Perhaps your boundaries are being violated, someone is standing in the way of satisfying your desire. Look for the cause of anger- knowing what's the matter, you will be able to use it correctly extra energy and solve the problem.

Second step - introducing a new habit. It takes time to allow yourself to be angry. Every habit takes at least 21 days to form.

Get a notebook and write down your observations:

• When do you hold back your anger?
• the reason that caused this condition;
• where in the body you experience discomfort after you have contained a negative state in yourself.

When you have enough information, start implementing new habit use anger as a source for solving problems that have arisen.

The mother is unhappy with the behavior of her three-year-old daughter, who is constantly naughty. But, since it is unacceptable to be angry with her child, she keeps all the anger inside herself. She has a headache, no mood, but to show against the child backlash unacceptable.

Shame immediately arises (I will be a bad mother if I yell at a child) and guilt (I will offend my child). If mom figured out the reason bad behavior daughter and be able to correct it, then Bad mood and the headaches will go away.

The reasons may be related to the fact that the child is bored and thus he tries to attract attention. If it is not possible to devote enough time to your child, use the services of preschool educational institutions and circles. The baby will be in the circle of peers and under the supervision of professionals. Such a decision is much better than the desire to avoid your child for fear of taking out anger on him.

Also, the reason may be related to permissiveness: for example, the daughter is used to having all her whims satisfied. In this case, it is important to gradually teach that mom cannot satisfy everything “I want”.

Look at yourself if you're angry what emotion arises under anger: shame or guilt.

1. If shame you need to learn to accept yourself for who you are. The reason for the emergence of shame is related to the mismatch of our perception of how you should be and how you really are.

Analyze why you deviated from your self-concept. Ask yourself the question: “Why did I do this?” If you honestly answer this question and at the same time you do not get angry at yourself - hooray, you did it!

2. If a feeling is hidden under anger guilt, then, pleading guilty and asking forgiveness from the offended, you will feel relieved. If you feel guilty before yourself, then this is shame - you do not correspond to your ideas about yourself.

Once you learn to deal with your anger, you no longer have to spend a lot of energy fighting this negative emotion. You will feel better, you will have a lot of energy, a desire to act, and good mood will become a frequent companion of every day.

Editorial

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