Elizarov A.N.

INTRODUCTION

The purpose of this publication is to make it easier for students to study a new course of study, for which there are no textbooks at all.

When writing the manual, we tried to direct students' attention to the analysis of the consulting process itself, to arouse their interest in studying the main parameters of a consultative conversation.

We have also sought to lay down the basic foundations of knowledge necessary for the reflective use of psychological counseling in various applied areas: in education, management, politics, work with families and so on. It is assumed that students will receive specific knowledge about the specifics of consulting in applied areas in subsequent special courses.

Chapter 1. The subject and tasks of counseling psychology

psychological counseling

Counseling psychology can be defined as a section of modern science aimed at studying the structure and patterns of the process of psychological counseling.

The word "consulting" comes from the Latin word consultare - to consult, take care, consult. This word in Russian means advice, an explanation of a specialist on any issue, a conversation with the aim of expanding and deepening knowledge. Literally, "advise" means to give advice or consult on a problem of interest.

The word "psychological" can be understood in two ways. On the one hand, it may indicate that counseling is based on psychological science. On the other hand, it can be considered as an indication that counseling is carried out on psychological problems, that is, it concerns such phenomena as the psyche, activity, behavior.

Regardless of how this type of activity is interpreted, it is clear that psychological counseling in both contexts, at least at the present stage of the development of society, is a reality that requires its study.

The emergence of counseling psychology has been prepared by the entire course of the development of psychology up to the beginning of the 21st century.

At different stages of the development of psychology, various branches of psychology arose and became relevant.

Psychological science originated as a science of the laws of mental activity, aimed at studying such a complex object as the psyche. At first, the authors were interested in the most general laws of mental activity. Studied:

a) how a person in general (a certain generalized, abstract person) cognizes the world around him;

b) how, on the basis of individual sensations coming from the senses, he develops a certain integral image of the world and himself in this world;

c) how he builds the image of his action in the world;

d) how he really acts in this world.

This is how general psychology appeared and began to develop.

Over time, along this path, psychology approached the fact of the existence of individual differences, thanks to which differential psychology appeared, and psychodiagnostics began to develop intensively. The study of the patterns of human behavior in general began to exhaust itself. As Anastasi A. shows in her study, it was not obvious to the experimental psychologists of the school of Wilhelm Wundt (1832 - 1920) that people are not the same, that they perceive the world around them in different ways and prefer to act in it differently. It took some scientific discussion to confirm this. So James McKean Cattell (1860 - 1944) in Leipzig, despite Wundt's rejection of this type of research, specifically wrote a dissertation on individual differences in reaction time.

First, typologies of individual differences arose, then methods for identifying them. The use of data on individual differences greatly advanced science and became firmly established by the end of the twentieth century in the everyday life of practicing psychologists.

Further, this line of research also begins to exhaust itself. The focus of analysis is increasingly shifting towards such uniqueness, which is not amenable to typology. Now we are increasingly talking about the uniqueness, unpredictability of each person. Naturally, there are general laws of the mental, and typologies, for example, temperament, character are justified. But we are increasingly approaching those aspects that could not be explored using the old paradigms. This fact corresponds to the emergence and development of humanistic psychology.

This is where the foundations of counseling psychology are laid. When they began to explore uniqueness, to learn its laws, to use these laws in the practice of helping a particular person, instead of the laws of the psyche, the laws of dialogue began to become the subject of scientific analysis more and more, allowing you to work with individuality. The focus of the study of differences has shifted from individual differences to differences in the ways of conducting a dialogue, differences in the forms of organization of relationships between the specialist influencing and the client. It became interesting which methods of organizing the dialogue contribute to the identification of the patterns of functioning of the uniqueness of this particular person, and which ones hinder this process, block it, sometimes make it completely impossible. What relationship parameters help to provide psychological assistance based on the patterns of the client's uniqueness, and which ones interfere. An example of this kind of research is the work of James Bugental "The Art of the Psychotherapist", published in the West in 1987, and in our country in 2001.

Another important step in the development of psychology, which predetermined the emergence of counseling psychology, was the inclusion in the context of psychological analysis of the social environment in which a person lives. They began to study the influence of the fact of inclusion in large and small groups on the mental activity of a person. This corresponded to the emergence and development of social psychology in the field of scientific and applied research.

But also in psychotherapy, a field that emerged from and through the practice of psychological assistance, the focus of analysis during the 20th century increasingly shifted towards the social context. Now we see that, according to many areas of modern practical psychology, the factor of the current social environment is generally recognized as decisive for explaining a person's behavior, contrary to, say, his past, childhood. A prime example this is served by modern family therapy, where, within the framework of the largest and most influential systemic approach (Salvador Minukhin, Murray Bowen, Nathan Ackerman, Karl Whitaker, Ivan Boshormeni-Nagy, Theodore Leeds and others), the interpersonal context (focusing on current interactions) completely dominates the intrapsychic context (concentration of attention on the past of the individual) [Brown J., Christensen D., 2001, p. 32].

The role of psychotherapy for the emergence of counseling psychology should be appreciated. At the initial stages of its development, psychology was predominantly an academic science. There was no question of the wide use of her achievements, since there were not so many of these achievements. The urgent and most painful tasks of practice laid the foundation for the emergence of psychotherapy in the West in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Through hard work with extreme, severe forms of mental disorders, the representatives of this movement, which at the initial stages were denied scientific character, over the course of the 20th century managed to accumulate and use huge material, which can rightfully be called a golden fund. modern psychology. Almost the only method that made it possible to accumulate this material is reflexivity, a reflective attitude to what you are doing at the time of working with a client, constant reflection on what is really happening. This attitude towards dialogue has helped to discover and describe many of the phenomena that are or may be relevant to the consultative dialogue. Thus, the foundations of counseling psychology began to be laid. In addition, the volume of psychological knowledge in general has greatly increased, for example, psychotherapy has significantly advanced such a branch of general psychology as personality psychology [see, for example, Kjell L., Ziegler D., 1998].

Further, of course, should be followed by an analysis and systematization of the accumulated and meaningful experience, a comparison of the conclusions of various authors regarding the subject under study as regarding the conclusions about nature. human behavior and its violations, and regarding the constructive forms of dialogue, the relationship between the psychologist and the client. It should be noted that these tasks have not yet been completed. The past century has left us with a kaleidoscope of brilliant theories, which, however, are not always clearly and systematically presented. It takes a lot of time to understand them, to master them, getting to know them from the primary sources. But, even after solving this problem, another one remains - to reconstruct a holistic view based on the existing theories:

a) about mental disorders;

b) about the factors causing them;

c) about the signs and features of a harmoniously arranged human psyche;

d) about the conditions for its harmonious formation;

e) about the conditions that must exist between the client and the influencer in order to contribute to the disappearance of a mental disorder.

At first glance, only the last of the tasks listed above is relevant for counseling psychology. But it seems that when solving the other four, researchers, one way or another, will turn to the nature of human relationships that traumatize a person or open horizons to perfection, effective functioning. Here you will need data from counseling psychology. Of course, it is not necessary to explore the nature of human relationships in the context of psychological counseling. However, the advisory dialog has a unique combination property:

f) a professional who has been studying psychological phenomena for ten or even twenty years of his life;

g) an extremely interested in informal communication client, whose existence in this moment represents the dynamics (a person who comes to a psychologist is already, judging by the very fact of the appeal, ready for change).

The presence of a professional causes a rare combination of involvement and reflection (in the sense of observation, reflection on the counseling process). The presence of an interested client does not allow the process of communication to become formal, contributes to the disclosure of the most profound aspects of human existence in the process of communication.

Competitive to this situation is only the situation of the psychologist's stay in the family. Thus, counseling psychology has significant potential to contribute to the solution of the remaining four tasks.

And of course, the very practice of psychological counseling constantly generates a demand for the knowledge that counseling psychology can or could offer.

Psychological counseling arose in the middle of the 20th century precisely thanks to the success of psychotherapy, when the accumulated knowledge made it possible to move on to providing mental assistance. healthy people. In humans, however, the success of psychotherapy has largely determined the interest in obtaining psychological assistance.

At the first stages of the development of psychological counseling, it was natural to be interested in the nature of the reality that the client faces in his life, which gives rise to the problems with which he comes to psychological counseling. For example, a psychologist engaged in psychological counseling in an organization will show a natural interest in the psychology of organizations, in those psychological patterns that determine the behavior of people in organizations. A psychologist working with family problems will be interested in family psychology. Etc. Such interest is certainly justified and useful. But lately, another perspective of analysis has begun to assert itself more and more clearly - what really happens at the time of consultation between the consultant and the person in the client's position. Many counselors who provide assistance based on communicating psychological information relevant to their problems to clients have noted more than once that in the process of dialogue between them and clients, something else arose besides the objective context, which helped to solve problems. After the consultation, they switched from the focus of the client's problems to the focus of analyzing the dialogue process itself. This perspective corresponds to counseling psychology.

An example of the interest of modern psychologists-consultants in the context of consultative interaction is how Abramova Galina Sergeevna defines the subject of practical psychology - the study of individual life through the impact on it. Such an impact, as G.S. Abramov, can be carried out in different areas: psychological diagnosis, psychological correction, psychological counseling, psychotherapy.

There are several aspects of the problem of analyzing the structure and factors of the consultative process, each of which sets several tasks at once in relation to the subject under study:

1. If there are individual differences between people, then perhaps there are similar differences in counseling situations. It is then possible to create a typology of consultative situations and explore the various factors that determine this typology. Let's take a look at some of these factors:

h) In the first place, of course, individual differences will come out, both clients and consultants. The task of studying individual differences between psychologists and clients and the influence of this factor on the process of psychological counseling is very important. Even the degree of competence of a psychologist in the reality with which the client has problems depends, in fact, on individual differences between psychologists and the factors that determine them.

i) The reality with which the client refers to psychological counseling, which can set various forms work with him. It is necessary to create a typology of request and, in relation to various forms of request, identify and describe specific types and forms of psychological counseling, since it is impossible to solve many problems with one method. In this regard, it is interesting to analyze the consulting activities of psychologists in different areas: politics, management, education, work with the consequences of being in destructive cults, family counseling.

j) No less urgent is the task of creating a typology of situations that is not tied to specific areas of counseling, but is relevant to the various states of the client. We can talk here, for example, about the emotional background of the problem, the emotional state of the client. With regard to this class of typologies, it is also necessary to identify and describe specific types and forms of psychological counseling.

k) The problem of the influence of the social context, the environment in which the psychologist and the client live on the counseling process, is relevant and little studied.

l) The reverse problem is also relevant and little studied - the impact of psychological counseling on the social context, on the environment, on the social community, the problem of the functioning of a person seeking psychological help in the social environment.

2. As psychology developed, knowledge about the structure of the individual human psyche became more and more detailed. For example, we have a detailed structure of personal properties, we even talk separately about the structure of character, temperament. And how detailed is our knowledge of the counseling conversation? How many elements and concepts do we know that help us reflectively perceive the consultative process itself? How complete is our knowledge of what is happening and what can happen in different situations of consultative dialogue? These questions set us the task of identifying and describing the main parameters of the structure of a consultative conversation. The purpose of this is to create new opportunities for a reflective analysis of a consultative conversation in terms of increasing its effectiveness.

3. The psychologist and the client, both on their own and when considered together as a kind of integral unit, do not exist, independently of the community of which they are members. It would be erroneous to be outside in relation to the cultural environment, social values, which are the achievements of the development of the human community. This makes the task of developing ethical standards, an ethical code of conduct, both for the consultant psychologist and the client, urgent.

4. It is necessary to analyze the various forms of organization of the dialogue between the psychologist-consultant and the client. In this regard, it is necessary to study the specifics, for example, of remote counseling, which includes counseling on the helpline, counseling through correspondence, counseling through electronic means of communication, and printed publications.

5. It is necessary to develop the scientific foundations of the organization of the work of a psychologist, to investigate the problem of "burning out" of a psychologist-consultant, to study the life path of a psychologist-consultant and the difficulties of this path, due to the specifics of the profession.

6. It is necessary to develop new research methods to solve the problems facing counseling psychology. Research methods traditional for the psychology of the 19th and 20th centuries are quite reliable, but at this stage in the development of science, their possibilities have been largely exhausted. From our point of view, special attention here should be paid to the methodology of reflexive analysis of subjective experience in relation to various classes of reality. We believe that the foundations of such a methodology are laid down in the works of psychologists with a humanistic orientation. However, this layer of knowledge is extremely poorly structured and little accessible due to the subjective nature of the style of presentation.

In this course, we will only partially address these issues.

1 question

• What is psychological counseling

Psychological counseling is a special area of ​​practical psychology associated with the provision by a specialist psychologist of direct psychological assistance to people who need it, in the form of advice and recommendations. They are given by the psychologist to the client on the basis of a personal conversation and a preliminary study of the problem that the client has encountered in life. Most often, psychological counseling is carried out at prearranged hours, in a specially equipped room, usually isolated from strangers, and in a confidential environment.

One session of psychological counseling takes place in the form of a personal conversation between a psychologist and a client, lasting on average from several tens of minutes to one and a half, two or more hours. During this conversation, the client tells the psychologist about himself, about his problem. The psychologist, in turn, listens attentively to the client, trying to understand the essence of his problem, to understand it, to clarify it both for himself and for the client himself. During the consultation, the personality of the client is assessed, and taking into account his individual characteristics, the client is given evidence-based, reasoned recommendations on how best to practically solve his problem.

The advice and recommendations offered to the client by a counseling psychologist are in most cases designed to ensure that, using them on their own, the client can fully cope with his problem without the help of a counseling psychologist. Psychological counseling is an established practice of providing effective psychological help people, based on the conviction that every physically and mentally healthy person is able to cope with almost all the psychological problems that arise in his life. The client, however, does not always definitely and accurately know in advance what the essence of his problem is and how best to solve it, relying on his own strengths and capabilities. In this he should be assisted by a professionally trained psychologist-consultant. This is the main task of psychological counseling.

During the consultation, the psychologist usually uses special techniques and methods of working with the client and influencing him, designed to ensure that for a relatively short term(the time of the consultation) to find and precisely formulate a practical solution to the client's problem, and to do it in such a way that this solution is understandable and accessible for implementation by the client.

The number of meetings of a psychologist-consultant with a client is most often not limited to one or two. In most cases, a longer consultation is required, which includes three or more meetings with the client. The need for such prolonged counseling arises in the following typical cases:

The client's problem is so complex that it is almost impossible to figure it out in one or two sessions.

The client has not one, but several different problems, the solution of each of which requires a separate consultation.

The proposed solution to the problem cannot be immediately and completely independently implemented by the client and requires additional support from the consultant.

The psychologist-consultant does not have sufficient confidence that the client, due to, for example, his individual characteristics, will immediately and without additional help cope with his problem. This happens if the client is not self-confident enough, cannot control his own emotions and behavior, if the level of his intellectual development is insufficient to make an independent reasonable, balanced decision in difficult situations.

• Who, when and why consult a psychologist-consultant

Most often, people who are the so-called middle stratum of the population and who, due to their physical and psychological health, are in the high-risk zone, turn to a counseling psychologist. The high-risk zone refers to life situations in which people who are prone to nervous, mental, and physical illnesses really run the risk of getting sick. Others, physically and psychologically strong, healthy enough people come out of similar situations in life, experiencing only a feeling of fatigue or discomfort.

Those who turn to psychological counseling are usually not very well adapted to life and not too busy with their work, since it takes time to get a thorough consultation with a psychologist. Among those who really and most often turn to a counseling psychologist for help, there are many life failures, and it is failures that force these people, who feel physically healthy, to seek help from a psychologist. Among the clients of psychological consultations there are many people who have certain emotional deviations, which in turn are the result of repeated disappointments and frustrations in life.

When do these and other people actively begin to seek help from a psychologist? This, as a rule, does not happen immediately when they have problems, but in the most difficult periods of their lives. A person comes to a counseling psychologist when he does not know what to do, or when his ability to cope with his problem on his own has been exhausted. A person can turn to a psychologist for consultative help when he is in a state of

mental disorder, when it seems to him that something terrible is happening to him or to people close to him, fraught with unpleasant consequences.

What do people look for in a counseling psychologist? Why are they turning to him? These questions can be answered in the following way. Some clients generally know how to solve their problem and seek only emotional support from a counseling psychologist. Others do not know how to cope with the problem and go to a psychologist for advice. Still others are not quite sure of themselves or do not know what exactly to choose from the options available to them to solve their problem. They need to be convinced and directed in the right direction. The fourth - these are mostly lonely people - you just need to talk heart to heart with someone. They usually do not have serious psychological problems, but from time to time they are in dire need of an attentive and friendly companion. Among the clients of psychological counseling, there are also those who are brought to the psychologist-consultant by idle curiosity or the desire to simply challenge him. Some sincerely want to know who a counseling psychologist is and what he does, others are convinced in advance that he is engaged in a frivolous business, and try to prove it to him by putting the counseling psychologist in an awkward position.

The professional position of a psychologist-consultant is such that he must accept all clients without exception, treat them attentively, kindly and humanly, regardless of who they are, why they came to him, how they are set up and what goals they pursue. This is not only due to the need for a professional psychologist to maintain his authority and face, but also to the fact that he, like a doctor, according to the norms of his professional ethics, is obliged to provide assistance to everyone who turns to him and who needs it, in including those who during the consultation behave not quite ethically.

2 question

§1 Features adolescence

The most important distinguishing feature of adolescence is fundamental changes in the sphere of self-awareness, which are of fundamental importance for all subsequent development and formation of a teenager as a person. Disorders in the development of self-awareness can lead to aggressiveness, anxiety, communication difficulties, and sometimes suicidal attempts.

In adolescence, self-consciousness is actively formed in young people, their own independent system of standards of self-assessment and self-attitude is developed, and the ability to penetrate their own world is increasingly developing.

At this age, a teenager begins to realize his peculiarity and originality, in his mind there is a gradual reorientation from external assessments (mainly parental) to internal ones.

The adolescent matures physiologically and mentally, and in addition to the new sensations and desires that result from this maturation, he develops new ways of looking at things, new approach to life. So, important place in the new features of the psyche of a teenager, he is interested in the thoughts of other people, in what they think about themselves.

In the process of developing self-awareness, the focus of attention of adolescents is increasingly transferred from outside personality to its inner side, from more or less random traits - to the character as a whole. Associated with this is the awareness - sometimes exaggerated - of one's originality and the transition to the spiritual, ideological scales of self-esteem. As a result, a person defines himself as a person for more high level.

Self-esteem is the central formation of personality. It largely determines the social adaptation of the individual, is the regulator of its behavior and activities.

The nature of self-esteem of adolescents determines the formation of certain personality traits. For example, its adequate level contributes to the formation of self-confidence, self-criticism, perseverance or excessive self-confidence, uncriticality in a teenager. Adolescents with adequate self-esteem have a large field of interests, their activity is aimed at various activities, as well as interpersonal contacts, which are moderate and expedient, aimed at understanding others and themselves in the process of communication.

Adolescents with a tendency to a strong overestimation of self-esteem show a sufficient limitation in the types of activities and a greater focus on communication, and with little content.

Aggressive teenagers are characterized by extreme self-esteem (either maximally positive or maximally negative), increased anxiety, fear of wide social contacts, egocentrism, inability to find a way out of difficult situations.

The development of reflection is not limited only to the internal changes of the personality itself, in connection with which a deeper understanding of other people also becomes possible. The development of self-consciousness as the central neoformation of adolescence becomes possible and entirely depends on the cultural content of the environment.

Another neoplasm that occurs at the end of adolescence is self-determination. From a subjective point of view, it is associated with the awareness of oneself as a member of society and is concretized in a new socially significant position. Self-determination occurs, as a rule, at the end of school, when a person is faced with the need to solve the problems of his future. It is based on the already stable interests and aspirations of the subject, involves taking into account their capabilities and external circumstances, it is based on the emerging worldview of a teenager and is associated with the choice of profession.

The ideas of choosing a life path, one's value orientations, one's ideal, one's friend, one's profession become the fundamental goals of adolescence.

In the motivational sphere of the communication process of adolescents, cardinal changes are taking place: relationships with parents and teachers are losing their relevance, relationships with peers are becoming of paramount importance. The very communication of adolescents becomes deeper and more meaningful, there are such emotionally rich forms of interaction as friendship and love. The need to belong to a group is most pronounced in adolescence.

For teenagers younger age the opportunity to share common interests and hobbies with their peers is of great importance. Later, adolescents are directed to search for such a contact that would allow them to find understanding and empathy for their feelings, thoughts, ideas, and would also provide emotional support from peers in overcoming various problems associated with age-related development.

The teenage period is called the era of active individualization, the stage of a keenly experienced desire for self-affirmation. The desire to stand out, the desire to take a high position, to achieve respect, recognition of one's own personal value and thus to be able to reinforce their self-esteem and self-esteem largely determines the behavior of children in adolescence

Psychological counseling is relative new area The professional activity of a psychologist is a practice that relatively recently emerged in our country as an independent field of activity along with such traditional forms of work as Scientific research, teaching psychology, psychological correction and psychodiagnostics. Psychological counseling undoubtedly requires a special, fairly thorough vocational training for a specialist providing such psychological services, which cannot simply be replaced by knowledge and skills in the above areas.

Psychological counseling is a type of professional activity of a psychologist focused on mentally healthy, normal people who have experienced difficult psychological circumstances in life that require psychological assistance in clarifying and overcoming these circumstances. If a person cannot cope with a psychological problem on his own, he turns to a private psychologist - psychoanalyst Pomazkin Anton Sergeevich.

How is psychological counseling different from psychiatry?

Some of our compatriots who are not yet accustomed to the principles of work capitalist society, may form misrepresentation about the essence of psychological services. Immediately there are fears about the registration of a psychiatric dispensary and the ensuing restrictions. In fact, everything is completely different, and individual psychological counseling is seriously different from the medical labyrinth.

Firstly, psychological counseling can be of a short-term nature (a few face-to-face or telephone consultations with a psychologist are enough for a person to realize the problem and cope with it on his own, guided by information received from a specialist)!

A face-to-face or telephone session of psychological counseling takes place in the form of a personal conversation between a psychologist and a client, lasting exactly 50 minutes. During this conversation, the client tells the psychologist about himself, about his problem. The psychologist, in turn, carefully listens to the client, tries to get to the bottom of his problem, to understand it, to clarify it both for himself and for the client himself. During psychological consultation the personality of the client is assessed, and taking into account his individual characteristics, the client is given evidence-based, reasoned recommendations on how best to practically solve his problem. Therefore, you need to call me, a private psychologist, psychoanalyst, right now and sign up for a psychological consultation!

Secondly, in psychological counseling, approaches to work differ, both among psychiatrists and as counseling psychologists. The former give the client, who is more likely to be a patient given the length of the relationship, a strictly medical treatment.

Psychological counseling is direct work with people aimed at solving various kinds of internal psychological problems, as well as those associated with difficulties in interpersonal relationships, where the main means of influence is a certain way organized conversation. And the essence of psychological counseling is that a consultant psychologist, using special professional scientific knowledge, creates conditions for another person in which he experiences his new opportunities in solving his psychological problems. Psychological counseling as a type of psychological assistance is addressed exclusively mentally normal people to achieve their goals personal development and peace of mind.

What is the purpose of psychological counseling?

Psychological counseling, depending on the specific psychological task and its goals, is to explain to the client the psychological basis of his problems. The counseling provided by the psychologist to the client is aimed at finding the latter's own direction in life using the so-called insights. This process implies understanding the goals and intentions of a person, as well as his general attitude to life. Be sure to call me and then you will make the right choice.

The advice and recommendations offered to the client by a counseling psychologist are in most cases designed to ensure that, using them on their own, the client can fully cope with his problem without the help of a counseling psychologist. Psychological counseling is an established practice of providing effective psychological assistance to people, based on the conviction that every physically and mentally healthy person is able to cope with almost all psychological problems that arise in his life. A person, however, does not always definitely and accurately know in advance what the essence of his problem is and how best to solve it, relying on his own strengths and capabilities. In this he is assisted by a professionally trained psychologist-consultant. This is the main task of psychological counseling.

Generally speaking, purpose of psychological counseling- this is a psychological help to a person in solving his psychological problems. Recognize and change ineffective behavior patterns in order to make important decisions, resolve emerging problems, achieve your goals, live in harmony with yourself and the world around you.

Psychological counseling takes place in certain spatial and temporal conditions, the conditions of which were initially discussed between the client and the psychologist, which is considered essential for improving the effectiveness of psychological counseling. As the most suitable place for psychological counseling, there is a specially equipped office that provides privacy, convenience and comfort, in which there are no elements that can attract the client's excessive attention and distract him from the therapeutic process.

Time and space also has great importance for the effectiveness and success of psychological counseling. Firstly, the client and the counseling psychologist must have enough time, and the choice of this time must be made correctly, that is, there must be opportunities to calmly, slowly, and “with a fresh mind” participate in the counseling session. Secondly, the time of the consultation itself must be properly organized, which means a clear indication of the beginning and end of the consultation session, as well as the presence of stages of the consultation session. The clock on the wall or on the table, as an important attribute of the consultant's office, will remind all participants in psychological counseling that time is running out and both of them need to work actively and dynamically. The ideal environment for face-to-face psychological counseling is the psychological center on Tsvetnoy Boulevard. The native and home environment is also suitable for consultation with a psychologist by phone. Have you already decided when you will call me?

What are the goals of psychological counseling?

In all practical cases, psychological counseling solves the following main tasks:

1. Clarification (clarification) of the problem faced by the person who applied.
2. Informing the client about the essence of the psychological problem that has arisen in him, about the real degree of its seriousness. (Problem informing the client.)
3. A study by a counseling psychologist of the client's personality in order to find out whether the client will be able to cope with the problem that has arisen on his own or this will require additional psychological analysis.
4. Clearly formulating recommendations to the client on how best to solve his psychological problem.
5. Providing ongoing assistance to the client in the form of additional practical recommendations offered at a time when he has already begun to solve his problem.
6. Teaching the client how best to prevent similar problems in the future, ie. task of psychoprophylaxis of personality.
7. Transfer by the psychologist-consultant to the client of elementary, vital psychological knowledge and skills, development and correct usage which is possible by the client himself without special psychological preparation. Psychological and educational informing the client.

– Applied branch of modern psychology. In system psychological science its mission is to develop theoretical foundations and application programs rendering psychological assistance to mentally and somatically healthy people in situations where they face their own problems.
The purpose of psychological counseling(according to R. Kociunas) is defined as the provision of psychological assistance, that is, a conversation with a psychologist should help a person in solving his problems and establishing relationships with others.
Principles of psychological counseling:
- benevolent and invaluable attitude towards the client;
— Orientation to the norms and values ​​of the client;
- careful attitude to advice;
- separation of personal and professional relations;
- the involvement of the client and the psychologist in the counseling process.
Psychological counseling usually consists of several meetings, separate conversations.
In general, psychological counseling how the process is broken down into four steps:
1. Getting to know the client and starting the conversation. This stage can be divided into a number of sub-stages: the first contact, encouragement, a short pause, the actual acquaintance, formalities, "here and now", initial questioning.
2. Interrogation of the client, formation and testing of advisory hypotheses. Sub-steps: a) empathic listening; b) accepting the model of the client's situation as temporary; c) structuring the conversation; d) understanding the model of the client's situation; e) criticism of hypotheses; f) presenting your hypothesis to the client; g) criticism of the hypothesis, finding the truth.
3. Making an impact. Sub-steps: a) let the client live with new knowledge; b) correction of client settings; c) customer behavior modification.
4. Completion of psychological consultation. This stage includes: summarizing the conversation; discussion of issues related to further relations of the client with a consultant or other specialists; parting.

Types of psychological counseling

1. Intimate-personal counseling. It is carried out on the problems of psychological or behavioral deficiencies that the client would like to get rid of; personal relationships with significant people about various fears, failures, deep dissatisfaction of the client with himself, intimate relationships.
2. Family counseling. It is resorted to when choosing a spouse, in order to prevent and resolve conflicts in intra-family relations and in relations between family members and relatives, regarding the solution of current intra-family problems (distribution of responsibilities, economic issues families, etc.), before and after divorce.
3. Psychological and pedagogical consultation. Psychological and pedagogical counseling provides for a discussion by the consultant and the client of the issues of teaching and raising children, improving the pedagogical qualifications of adults, improving pedagogical guidance, management of children's and adult groups.
4. business consulting. Business consulting is associated with people overcoming business problems of choosing a profession, improving and developing abilities, organizing work, improving efficiency, and conducting business negotiations.

Differences between psychological counseling and psychocorrection and psychotherapy

Traditionally, there are three types of psychological assistance:
— psychological counseling;
- psychocorrection;
- psychotherapy.
They are the impact on various parties individuals and have differing goals and methods, can be used separately and in combination.
The main goal of psychological counseling is the formation of a personal position, a specific worldview and outlook on life, fundamental and non-principled aspects of human existence, the formation of a hierarchy of values.
The task of psychological correction is the development and mastery of skills that are optimal for the individual and effective for maintaining the health of mental activity that contributes to personal growth and adaptation of a person in society.
Psychotherapy in the narrow sense of the term, its main task is to relieve psychopathological symptoms, through which it is supposed to achieve internal and external harmonization of the personality.
difference various kinds psychological help can be determined by parameters such as:
- goal;
- an object;
- thing;
- method of exposure and position of the patient.
The main differences of psychological assistance

Parameter	Psychological counseling	Psychocorrection	Psychotherapy
Object of influence	patient, client	patient, client	Patient
Thing	Problem, individual psychological characteristics	Problem, characterological deviations and personality anomalies	Psychopathological symptoms and syndromes, characterological deviations and personality anomalies
Way	Informing, training	training	Active influence (therapy) in various ways
Client position	Active, responsible for the result		Passive, not responsible for the result
Impact targets	Formation of a personal position	Formation of psychological compensation skills	Relief of psychopathological symptoms

The main directions in family counseling

Family counseling is one of the varieties of family psychotherapy, which has its own features and boundaries of therapeutic intervention. Family counseling has developed in parallel with family therapy, mutually enriching each other.
main goal The challenge facing family counseling is to examine the problem of a family member or members in order to change the interaction in it and provide opportunities for personal growth.
What is the difference between family counseling and family therapy??
First of all, family counseling does not accept the concept of illness.
Secondly, it puts emphasis on the analysis of the situation and aspects of role interaction in the family.
Thirdly, it is intended to help in the search for personal resource subjects of counseling and discussion of ways to resolve the situation.
Among the leading theoretical concepts family counseling cognitive-behavioral therapy, rational-emotional therapy and others are given. This is due to the variety of techniques and methods that are in his arsenal.
At the moment there is several areas of family counseling, the most common of which are psychodynamic and systemic.
1. Psychodynamic direction It is aimed at solving problems within the family based on quarrels and problems in the past. According to this direction, it is precisely the unresolved in the past family problems sow discord in current relationships between family members. The therapist tries to identify and help solve these problems.
2. According to the system direction, all family problems arise due to the unproductive organization of the family. The existing structure of the family is examined, the past is not considered.
3. Very often methods of individual psychotherapy are ineffective due to the fact that the problem lies within the family, and the patient cannot change properly, as he again falls under the "unhealthy" influence of his loved ones. That's why family psychotherapy most often it has a much better effect than an individual one, since its methods are aimed at changing the entire family system.
Basic principles and rules of family counseling come down to the following points:
1) establishing contact and joining the consultant to clients.
2) collecting information about the client's problem using meta-modeling techniques (NLP) and therapeutic metaphors. To achieve this goal, the consultant can ask clarifying questions such as: “What result do you want to achieve?”, “What do you want?”, “Try to say it without negative particle“no”, that is, words that describe a positive result.”
3) discussion of the psychotherapeutic contract.
4) clarification of the client's problem, the resources of the family as a whole and each of its members individually are also determined. This is facilitated by questions like: “How did you deal with difficulties in the past? What helped you in this?”, “In what situations were you strong? How did you use your power?”
5) conducting the actual consultation.
6) “environmental check”. The consultant invites family members to imagine themselves in a similar situation in 5-10 years and explore their condition.
7) “insurance” of results. This is because clients sometimes need activities to help them gain confidence in learning new behaviors. They can get some advice from a consultant. homework and an invitation to come back for a follow-up consultation some time later to discuss the results.
8) disconnection.

Professional advice

- This special kind psychological counseling, distinctive feature which is that the client's problems are somehow related to his professional self-determination and career development, professional activities and behavior in the workplace, finding or losing a job.
Professional advice is a type of psychological assistance aimed at harmonizing individual professional opportunities and the needs of the client with the interests of the organization or the labor market, as a result of which the professional self-determination of the client takes place, his professional plan is formed or improved, productive changes are made to his professional activities and behavior.
career counseling- this is a special activity of a consultant aimed at assisting the client in solving the problems of individual employment, taking into account its characteristics and the real situation on the labor market. Career counseling helps you decide the following problems individual employment:
- choice of profession;
– profile definition vocational training;
- employment;
- change of field of activity and related emotional difficulties and problems of social adaptation.
So, it should be noted, which by definition career counseling is one of the types professional advice and has a number of narrow, clearly defined tasks.
In modern conditions professional advice can be carried out both with adults and with children of different ages.
In Russia, historically and four areas of vocational counseling work have been implemented to varying degrees:
- information;
- diagnostic;
- consulting;
- training.
Information direction is traditional in vocational guidance. Its main task is to form knowledge about professions, vocational education, the labor market, and the requirements of professions for human qualities. Within the framework of this direction, it is believed that it is the lack of knowledge that turns out to be the main problem of a person choosing a profession. The leading forms of work are lectures, seminars, individual consultations, sometimes meetings with representatives of various professions, excursions to employment and vocational education institutions, acquaintance with workplaces.
Diagnostic direction most popular among psychologists involved in career guidance and career selection, psychological assessment of personnel at a certain stage of professional activity. Based on usage psychological tests, questionnaires, questionnaires for assessing professional suitability and includes reporting test results to the client, discussing interests, opportunities and recommendations for mastering professions that are most appropriate psychological characteristics client.
Consulting direction is relatively new in Russian vocational guidance and is based on the premise that knowledge may not be enough for effective professional choice. The main problem of the client lies in the difficulties associated with making decisions, which may be due to the client's unfavorable emotional state, internal motivational conflicts, personality traits or inadequate beliefs. In this case, the consultant is forced to work with the causes of difficulties, such as fears, insecurity, dependence on loved ones, excessive demands on oneself.
Training direction also fully meets the requirements of the time and is used by Russian professional consultants. It is based on the use of special, most often group, games and exercises, followed by a discussion of the process and results of their implementation. Active Methods Counseling training is designed to encourage the client to make choices and to develop problem-solving skills. It is believed that clients may have sufficient knowledge to choose a profession, but be unable to put them into practice due to ignoring problems and difficulties, unwillingness or inability to set and solve professional problems. Practical implementation training tasks allows you to increase the activity of clients, their interest, simulate situations that are quite rare in life, and form behavioral skills in these situations.

Psychological counseling is a relatively new profession. psychological practice which is a type of psychological assistance. This trend is rooted in psychotherapy and is aimed at a clinically healthy individual who cannot overcome everyday difficulties on his own. In other words, the key task of this technique lies in helping individuals to find a way out of the current problematic circumstances over which they are unable to defeat without outside help, to recognize and change ineffective behavioral patterns for making life-changing decisions, resolving current life difficulties, achieving their goals. . By target direction tasks of psychological counseling are divided into corrective action, and tasks aimed at achieving personal growth, self-development and life success by the client.

Fundamentals of psychological counseling

Counseling is a set of activities aimed at helping the subject in resolving everyday problems and making life-changing decisions, for example, regarding family and marriage, professional growth, and the effectiveness of interpersonal interaction.

aim this method psychological support is to help individuals comprehend what is happening on their life path and achieving the intended goal, based on conscious choice in the course of resolving emotional problems and interpersonal difficulties.

All definitions of psychological counseling are similar to each other and include several important positions.

Psychological counseling contributes to:

— conscious choice individuals to act according to their own discretion;

— learning new behavior;

- personal development.

The core of this method is considered to be the “consultative interaction” between the specialist and the subject. The emphasis is on the responsibility of the individual, in other words, counseling recognizes that an independent and responsible person is able to make and make decisions under certain conditions, and the task of the consultant is to create conditions that encourage volitional behavior of the individual.

The goals of psychological counseling are borrowed from various psychotherapeutic concepts. For example, followers psychoanalytic direction, the task of consulting is seen in the transformation into conscious images information repressed into the unconscious, helping the client in recreating early experience and analyzing repressed conflicts, restoring the basic personality.

It is not easy to predetermine the goals of psychological counseling, since the goal depends on the client's needs and the theoretical orientation of the consultant himself. The following are some of the universal tasks of counseling that are mentioned by practitioners of various schools:

- promote transformation behavioral responses for a more productive life of the client, increasing the level of satisfaction with life, even in the presence of some indispensable social restrictions;

- develop the ability to overcome difficulties in the course of collisions with new everyday circumstances and conditions;

— ensure effective acceptance important decisions;

- develop the ability to make contacts and maintain interpersonal relationships;

- facilitate the growth of personal potential and.

Psychological counseling approaches are characterized by a common system model, which combines six stages arising from each other.

The first step is to investigate the problems. The psychologist establishes contact (report) with the individual and achieves mutually directed trust: the psychologist carefully listens to the client, who tells about his everyday difficulties, expresses maximum empathy, utmost sincerity, care, does not resort to evaluation and manipulative techniques. The counselor should choose a rewarding tactic that promotes in-depth consideration of the client's problems, and note his feelings, the content of the remarks, non-verbal behavioral reactions.

At the next stage, a two-dimensional definition of the problem situation occurs. The consultant aims to accurately characterize the client's problem, emphasizing both emotional and cognitive aspects. At this stage, problematic issues are clarified until the client and the psychologist see and understand them in the same way. Problems are formulated with specific concepts that make it possible to comprehend their causes, and in addition, often, indicate possible ways to resolve them. If there are ambiguities and difficulties in identifying problems, then you should return to the previous stage.

The third stage is the identification of alternatives. It identifies and discusses potential solutions to problems. consultant with the help open questions encourages the subject to list all possible alternatives that he finds suitable and real, helps to find additional options, while not imposing his own solutions. During the conversation, it is recommended to draw up a list of alternatives in writing to facilitate their comparison and comparison. It is necessary to find such options for solving the problematic issue that the subject could apply directly.

The fourth stage is planning. It is a critical evaluation of the selected alternatives. The counselor helps the subject understand which options presented are appropriate and appear to be realistic based on previous experience and current readiness for change. Drawing up a strategy for a realistic solution to difficult situations is also aimed at not gaining an understanding by the client that not all difficulties can be solved: some of them require a temporary resource, others can be partially resolved by reducing their destructive and disorganizing impact. At this stage, it is recommended, in the aspect of problem solving, to foresee by what methods and methods the subject will be able to check the realism of the solution preferred by him.

The fifth stage is the activity itself, that is, the consistent implementation of the planned strategy for solving problems takes place. The psychologist helps the client to build activities, taking into account the circumstances, emotional and time costs, as well as the possibility of failure in achieving goals. must realize that a partial failure does not yet become a complete failure, therefore, one should continue to implement a strategy for resolving difficulties, directing all actions towards the ultimate goal.

Final stage is to evaluate and provide feedback. The subject, together with the psychologist at this stage, evaluates the degree of achievement of the goal (that is, the level of problem resolution) and sums up results achieved. If necessary, it is possible to refine and refine the solution strategy. In the case of new or discovery of deeply hidden problems, you should return to the previous stages.

The described model reflects the content of the consultation process and helps to better understand how a particular consultation proceeds. In practice, the consultation process is much more extensive and often not always guided by this algorithm. In addition, the allocation of stages or stages is conditional, since in practice some stages are connected with others, and their interdependence is much more complicated than is presented in the described model.

Types of psychological counseling

Due to the fact that help psychological orientation need people belonging to different age categories, free and in relationships, characterized by the presence of a variety of problems, psychological counseling is divided depending on problem situations clients and their individual characteristics into types, namely individual psychological, group, family, psychological and pedagogical, professional (business) and multicultural counseling.

First of all, individual psychological counseling (intimate-personal) is singled out. Individuals turn to this type of counseling on issues that deeply affect them as a person, provoking their strongest experiences, often carefully hidden from the surrounding society. Such problems, for example, include psychological disorders or behavioral shortcomings that the subject wishes to eliminate, difficulties in personal relationships with loved ones or others. significant persons, all kinds, failures, psychogenic diseases that require medical assistance, deep dissatisfaction with oneself, problems in the intimate sphere.

Individual psychological counseling simultaneously requires a consultant-client relationship closed from outsiders and a trusting, open relationship for interaction between them. This type counseling should be carried out in a special setting, since it often resembles a confession. Also, it cannot be episodic or short-term, due to the content of the problems it is aimed at solving. First of all, individual counseling involves a large psychological presetting the psychologist and the client himself to the process, then a long and often difficult conversation between the consultant and the subject, after which there comes a long period of searching for a way out of the difficulties described by the client and directly solving the problem. The last stage is the longest, since most of the problematic issues of an intimate-personal orientation are not immediately resolved.

A variation of this type of counseling is age-related psychological counseling, which includes issues of mental development, features of education, principles of teaching children of various age subgroups. The subject of such counseling is the dynamics of the development of the child's and adolescent psyche at a certain age stage of formation, as well as the content of mental development, which is a significant difference from other types of counseling. Age-related psychological counseling solves the problem of systematic control over the course of the formation of children's mental functions for optimization and timely correction.

Group counseling is aimed at self-development and growth of participants in the process, liberation from everything that gets in the way of self-improvement. The advantages of the described type of psychological assistance over individual counseling include:

– team members can learn their own style of relationships with the environment and acquire more effective social skills, in addition, they have the opportunity to conduct experiments with alternative forms behavioral response;

- clients can discuss their own perception of others and receive information about their perception of the group and individual participants;

- the team reflects, in some way, the environment familiar to its members;

- as a rule, groups offer participants understanding, assistance and assistance, which increases the determination of participants to study and resolve problem situations.

Family counseling involves the provision of assistance in matters relating to the client's family and relationships in it, relating to interaction with other close environment. For example, if an individual is anxious about the upcoming choice of a life partner, optimal construction relationships in the future or current family, regulation of interactions in family connection, warning and right exit From intra-family conflicts, the relationship of spouses with each other and with relatives, behavior during divorce, the solution of various current intra-family problems, then he needs family psychological counseling.

The described type of psychological assistance requires consultants to know the essence of intra-family problems, ways to get out of difficult situations and methods for their resolution.

Psychological and pedagogical counseling is in demand when it is necessary to cope with difficulties related to the education or upbringing of children, when it is necessary to improve pedagogical qualification adults or teach how to manage different groups. In addition, the described variety of counseling is related to the issues of psychological justification of pedagogical and educational innovations, optimization of means, methods and training programs.

Business (professional) consulting, in turn, is characterized by as many varieties as there are professions and activities. This type of assistance considers issues that arise in the process of engaging in professional activities by subjects. These include issues of vocational guidance, improvement and formation of skills in an individual, organization of work, increase in working capacity, etc.

Multicultural counseling aims to interact with individuals who perceive differently social environment however, they try to cooperate.

Efficiency advisory assistance clients who differ in culturally mediated characteristics (sexual orientation, gender, age, professional experience, etc.), and in addition, the ability to understand these clients, their requirements is interconnected with the cultural characteristics of the psychologist and the manner in which psychological practices are organized in a particular social culture. counseling.

Holding advisory work requires a number personal qualities and specific characteristics from a counseling psychologist. For example, an individual practicing this technique must certainly have a higher psychological education, love people, be sociable, insightful, patient, good and responsible.

Psychological counseling for children

The tasks of psychological support for children and adults are similar, but the approaches of psychological counseling and the methods of work of a specialist must be modified, due to children's lack of independence and immaturity.

Psychological counseling of children and adolescents is characterized by certain specifics and is a disproportionately more complex process than counseling adults.

There are three key features of psychological counseling for children:

- kids almost never, on their own initiative, do not turn to psychologists for professional help, often they are brought by parents or teachers who have noticed some developmental deviations;

— the psycho-corrective effect should come very quickly, since in children one problem provokes the emergence of new ones, which will significantly affect the development of the child's psyche as a whole;

- a psychologist cannot lay responsibility on a crumb for finding answers and solutions to existing problems, since in childhood mental activity and self-consciousness are not yet sufficiently formed, in addition, in the life of a child, all significant changes almost completely depend on their close environment.

Most of the clear differences between a child and an adult subject lie in the level of communication they use. The dependence of the child on the parents forces the psychologist-consultant to consider them life difficulties in one connection with each other.

The problems of psychological counseling of children lie in the lack of mutual understanding. The kid is limited in his own communicative resources, because, first of all, he has an underdeveloped ability to separate and integrate the external environment with emotional experiences, and secondly, his verbal abilities are also imperfect, due to lack of communication experience. Hence, in order to achieve effective communication, the consultant has to rely on behavioral methods, rather than verbal ones. Due to the nature of the child mental activity game process in therapy has become widespread simultaneously as one of the key methods of establishing contact and an effective therapeutic technique.

Due to the lack of independence of the baby, an adult is always included in child psychological counseling. The importance of the role of an adult depends on age category child, a sense of responsibility for him. Usually a child comes to psychological counseling with his mother. Its task is to provide the psychologist-consultant with preliminary data about the baby and assist in planning corrective work. Communication with the mother provides the specialist with the opportunity to assess her place in children's problems, her own emotional disorders and gain insight into family relationships. The lack of help from the close environment of the baby, in particular, parents, seriously complicates the process of achieving positive transformations in the child.

The defining value in child development parental relationships and their behavior. Therefore, often, family psychological counseling or psychotherapy of parents can play a leading role in modifying the environment in which their child grows, forms and is brought up.

Due to the lack of resistance of children to the effects of external conditions, environment stress and the inability to control the situation in which they are, a specialist, helping them, puts a lot of responsibility on their own shoulders.

During corrective work with an emotionally unstable baby, first of all, you need to change the home environment: the more comfortable he will be, the more effective the process will go.

When a child begins to become successful in areas in which he previously failed, his attitude towards the external environment will gradually change. Because he will become aware that the world around him is absolutely not hostile. The task of the consultant is to act in the interests of a small individual. Often, the solution to some problems can be the placement of a child in a camp for holidays or school changes. In this case, the psychologist should facilitate the transfer of crumbs to a new school.

The immaturity of children often does not allow the formation of a clear correction strategy. Because kids don't know how to separate the imaginary from the real. Therefore, it is very difficult for them to separate real events from situations that exist solely in their imagination. Hence, all corrective work should be built on the basis of a mixture of the imagined and the really existing, which does not contribute to the achievement of quick sustainable results.

Psychological counseling of children and adolescents has a number of rules and is characterized by specific techniques.

First, an important condition for establishing contact with children (teenagers) and its further maintenance is confidentiality. The counselor should remember that all information obtained during the counseling process should be applicable solely for the benefit of the children.

The next no less important condition for effective counseling of adolescents and children is mutually directed trust. According to the existential concept of Rogers ( humanistic approach), there are several conditions for the relationship between a specialist consultant and a client that contribute to the personal growth of an individual: the ability to empathize on the part of the consultant (empathic understanding), authenticity, irrespective acceptance of the personality of another. very important for practical psychologist is the ability to listen to a partner. After all, often the most effective therapy is giving the individual the opportunity to speak out without fear of negative assessment from the partner or condemnation. Empathic understanding means being sensitive to soul feelings, the inner world of a communication partner, to correctly understand the meaning of what was heard, to grasp the inner state, to capture the true feelings of the client.

Authenticity implies the ability to be oneself, an honest attitude towards one's own person, the ability to openly show emotions, sincerely express feelings, intentions and thoughts.

Irrespective acceptance of the personality implies acceptance of the subject as he is, that is, without excessive praise or condemnation, readiness to listen, accept the interlocutor's right to his own judgment, even if it does not coincide with the generally accepted opinion or the consultant's opinion.

Peculiarities of psychological counseling of children also lie in the absence of any motivation in children to interact with the consultant. Often they do not understand why they are being examined, because they are not worried about their own disorders. Therefore, psychologists often need all their ingenuity to establish contact with a small individual. This, first of all, concerns shy, insecure babies, children with behavioral patterns and disorders that have negative experience interactions with adults. Children and adolescents with the described features and problems, when they are consulted by a specialist, experience emotional overstrain, which is expressed in high affectivity and increased attitude towards the specialist. The problems of psychological counseling of adolescents and toddlers also lie in the difficulty of establishing contact with them. A significant barrier to this is usually distrust on the part of the kids, secrecy and shyness.

The process of counseling small individuals can be conditionally divided into several stages:

- establishing mutual understanding;

- collecting the necessary information;

— a clear definition of the problematic aspect;

— summarizing the results of the consultation process.

Methods of psychological counseling

The basic methods of counseling include: observation, conversation, interview, empathic and active listening. In addition to basic methods, psychologists also use special methods arising as a result of the influence of individual psychological schools based on a certain methodology and a specific theory of personality.

Observation is a purposeful, deliberate, systematic perception of mental phenomena, aimed at studying their changes due to the influence of certain conditions and finding the meaning of such phenomena, if it is not known. The counselor-psychologist must have the ability to observe the verbal behavior and non-verbal manifestations of the client. The basis for understanding non-verbal behavioral response is knowledge various options non-verbal speech.

Professional conversation consists of a variety of techniques and techniques used to achieve the appropriate result. A huge role is played by the techniques of conducting a dialogue, stimulating statements, approving the client's judgments, brevity and clarity of the consultant's speech, etc.

The functions and tasks of a conversation in counseling are to collect information about the state of the subject's psyche, to establish contact with him. In addition, the conversation often has a psychotherapeutic effect and helps to reduce the client's anxiety. Consultative conversation is a means of reaching out to problems that concern the client, serves as a background and accompanies all psychotechnics. The conversation can be clearly structured, take place according to a predetermined strategy or program. In this case, the conversation will be considered an interview method, which happens:

- standardized, that is, characterized by clear tactics and a sustainable strategy;

- partly standardized, based on plastic tactics and sustainable strategy;

- freely managed diagnostic, based on a stable strategy and absolutely free tactics, depending on the specifics of the client.

Empathic listening is a type of listening, the essence of which lies in the exact reproduction of the feelings of the interlocutor. This type of listening involves avoiding evaluation, condemnation, avoiding interpretation of the hidden motives of the interlocutor's behavior. At the same time, it is necessary to demonstrate an accurate reflection of the experience, emotions of the client, understand them and accept them.

Contact a psychologist before it's too late.

Good afternoon! My name is Evgenia. Now I live in Chelyabinsk, I am 20 years old, I myself am from another city very far from here. I moved to Chelyabinsk to a guy, we have been living together for a year and a half, we met on the Internet, when I was 16, from that moment we started dating, he came to me several times a year until I was 18, then I came to him and I moved right after high school. The guy is 28 years old, I love him very much. He works and earns enough, but I'm still studying at the university and he provides for me. Do not think that I live in luxury, I only eat at his expense, he has very few clothes and rarely buys me something (every six months, about one thing for 1000). At the beginning of the relationship and when we were just starting to live together, he treated me very well, loved me very much, helped me in everything, always regretted it, wanted me to be happy and upset when I felt bad or hurt, gave me flowers, courted, always wanted me, spared nothing for me. But unfortunately, I was still a fool then and he almost did something wrong (accidentally remembered about the former, there was also a case when the former gave him a gift and he did not want to throw it away, or we just quarreled and I could not calm down ), I immediately threw tantrums at him, called him names strongly, I was jealous of him and could not do anything. There were such hysterics that I was in shock from myself. It wasn't that often, about once every two or three months or even less often, but it was a lot for him. I understand that I was wrong, that it was impossible to behave this way with a loved one and it was necessary for him to forgive it, and not to curse him for what the world is worth. But I also arranged them not for empty place , is it really impossible, when meeting with me, not to remember any of the former. For several years, we often wanted to leave, but then changed our minds. I have been behaving normally with him for a year now, I don’t shout, I don’t call him names. For the last six months, things have been like this: I cook for him, wash floors, dishes, and so on, iron shirts, generally do everything around the house, constantly climb to him with tenderness, to which he simply ignores me. We haven't had sex for a long time. He does not want to kiss and hug me, I ask directly, he says "why?". He didn’t care about me at all, he comes home from work and lies with the phone in front of his nose all evening, then he eats, watches some movie (and doesn’t even invite me to watch it with him) and goes to bed. If I forget to put some thing back or forget to wash the pan, claims and reproaches immediately begin. He never praises me for anything, for example, for cleaning up or cooking something tasty. He hasn’t complimented me for a hundred years, doesn’t give me flowers, doesn’t hug me himself and doesn’t kiss me. I have never cheated on him and even now I do not want to. Now he began to yell at me strongly over trifles and tell me to “go home.” For example, he is late at work, I am very sick, the temperature is under 40, he promised to bring medicine, I call him and tell him to come quickly. An hour later I call again and in an already dissatisfied voice I say: “How long can it be? When you arrive, I need to drink antibiotics quickly, can't you hurry? I didn’t yell at him, didn’t call him names, he arrived an hour later and, as always, started yelling that I hesitated, that it’s unbearable to live with me, that if I don’t like something, I need to go home so that I fall behind from him and did not call him so often. And such quarrels about once a week, every time he tells me to leave, every time I tell him something that I don’t like, and he starts yelling like crazy. I only then roar, but he absolutely does not care and does not feel sorry for me. But it’s impossible for me to live with him all my life and be satisfied with everything, I’m always calm anyway, and even with a disgruntled, but calm voice and without shouting and insults, I say that I don’t like it. And he always answers me that if you don’t like something, go back and leave me alone. He considers himself right and every time he explains that I never learned to talk to him normally. But how else can I explain to him what I don't like? I don’t scream, I don’t throw tantrums, I constantly endure everything and restrain myself and tell him calmly. But even that doesn't suit him. But I can't be happy with everything all my life. And I can’t leave him, I’m already in my second year, transfer to hometown it won't work, I know. Therefore, it turns out that I am completely dependent on him, I can’t do anything, I’m already tired of crying every day, he’s just a standard of some kind of indifference, zero attention, zero tenderness, zero affection, zero understanding, zero sympathy from him. But some claims and reproaches and cries. So what should I do? I still want to be with him. I dream that he would begin to treat me as before, now I would appreciate it and would never offend him. I explained it all to him a million times, said that I was wrong, asked for forgiveness, asked him to start treating me, as before, and stop being indifferent, but he was useless. He says he doesn't know if he'll start treating me like he used to or not, but he thinks he loves me.

• Hello Evgeniya. If you really want to be with this person, then you must realize a simple truth: your young man does not owe you anything and everything he does for you in this life is solely at his behest of the soul.
  Next important point will be - it is to learn patience, to restrain one's emotions. Become strong, rely only on yourself in difficult situations, stop making any claims to the young man and crying for every reason. Every day, look for a reason for which you can thank the young man, and not reproach. Change you, change your life.

  Hello Evgeniya. Firstly, you should not blame yourself for anything that you once ordered tantrums and the like. Secondly, your man initially understood that you had no experience, and this suited him. You were a new bright impression for him, young child whom he wanted to support and patronize. And the fact that he did not buy you things, but only contained, was already the first bell. He thought he was doing enough. Now he is used to you. Life and family life became a burden to him. Understand that no matter how you behaved before, you would have come to this stage. Why? Because your man does not perceive you as a person. And the more you try, the more it cools. He takes your care and you for granted, and he is sure that you will not go anywhere, and you have nowhere to go. To change the current situation, you must radically change your behavior, change internally, and begin to treat yourself with respect. In order not to turn the comment into a book, I will answer you personally in more detail. Send me an email: vikz-85(dog)mail.ru. My name is Victoria.

Hello! My name is Nina, I don't have simple story life. I ask you to help me get through the breakup with my husband.
I met my husband at 18, he is 25 years older than me. We had love, passion, children were born 16, 14, 4.6, 1.2. We lived together for 20 years, but all these years, he did not break off the marriage with his first wife. He felt sorry for her all the time, provided financially - and dragged me into it. I bought food, things, medicines, cooked food (for the hospital), nursed their grandson. I devoted four years to my grandson, I treated soaps, taught, walked with him. Now he is 8 years old.
Our relationship was different, my husband has a complex character, he is irritable, but I loved him, took care of his health, appearance. By the way, when we met, he was in very poor health and threatened to be removed. thyroid gland. We went through everything together, the operation was avoided. and now he looks great for 50 years and feels fine (pressure 120 to 80). We lived by his rules - he was the head. My husband has a dacha, he loves this house and garden very much, puts his whole soul into it, and a lot of time. He needs help there. But I have small children and it became difficult for me to cope with the housekeeping. He began to invite his first wife and grandson. They were there in spring and autumn, me with my children and grandson in the summer before school started. The husband liked this situation and he did not even hesitate to invite guests either to the hostess or to his first wife. My opinion on this matter was not taken into account. And at the end of the summer, he took us home, three days later he took all our things from the dacha and took his own from the apartment. His explanations were confusing and absurd, then I raised my older children incorrectly and they annoy him, then he suspected me of treason, then he said that as a mistress and a woman I did not suit him. Provides children with minimal financial assistance for food and courses. If you buy things, you need to ask him personally. For me, there is no finance at all. I am completely depressed, I am looking for the last strength in myself to cope with this betrayal, so that the children would not be so hurt. Don't know how to live on? I'm afraid that I'm not an authority for teenagers, and here also kids require a lot of time and care. Talk to me, help me find the way to a new happy life!

• • Thank you! Your articles open my eyes. I will have to big job above oneself.

Nina, hello! I also once went through a divorce, so I understand you well. True, I didn’t have children in marriage, so it’s even more difficult for you. But believe me, dear, life did not end there, and it is still unknown who was lucky) Yes, yes! You have someone to live for, you have beloved children, and you are still young. Fate specifically gave you a chance to become truly happy. You constantly obeyed your husband, his decisions, and this can no longer be called idyllic. You had to constantly suppress yourself and your discontent. Now you are finally free. Look at your husband's departure from this side and start learning to love yourself! If you need support or advice, please get in touch. My address is vikz-85(dog)mail.ru My name is Victoria.

Hello)
Today my husband confessed that he didn't love me for a long time. We have been married for 8 years and have a child. We did not scandal, never sorted out the relationship in a raised voice. We had disputes, but the solution was found quickly. We are both quite calm, without bad habits, no materials, etc.
I was always sure of my husband's feelings, he never gave a reason for doubt. But today he admitted that he had not loved for a long time, that he lied, did not want to hurt me. Wants to live, as before, for the sake of the child. For me, this is an incredible blow! I just can’t put it in my head, I can’t imagine how to live on. I love my husband, he wonderful person, I want my daughter to grow up in a complete family, but what can such a “family” give her? How to live on, knowing that I am no longer loved by my husband, to play "family", to pretend to be in a relationship? How to go further in life if you can’t take your hand, lean on your shoulder?
It's incredibly hard for me, it hurts, I'm scared. My husband walks gloomy, says that I should not get hung up on this, that I need to live on, let me go to "nowhere", he does not want me, he does not want a divorce, he wants us to live as before. Of course, I don’t want a divorce either, but how to live together when you know that you are not loved. We had plans, we wanted to move to another city, we wanted a second child, we planned holidays, shopping. And now everything collapsed inside me. The husband says that he regrets his confession that it was not necessary to tell such a truth. And I am grateful to him for the truth, but at the same time it hurts so much to realize that I lived in illusions, in lies. It pains me to watch how our daughter is going through, she certainly does not understand everything, but she feels, runs from dad to mom and says that she loves us. I see how scared she is and it is not clear why dad is gloomy and mom is crying, she is still small, she is only 5 years old, it is too early to explain to her. We both tell her that we love her, we just had a little fight with dad, but we will definitely make up.
Sorry for the sheet. I just don't know how to live on.

• Hello Maria. “But how to live together when you know that you are not loved” - There is no clear, unambiguous sufficient definition love. Your husband may not fully realize what he feels for you, but he definitely has certain feelings for you.
  From the point of view of psychology, love implies a free relationship based on mutual happiness and mutual trust. Love in itself is fraught with three aspects: moral (commitment), emotional (intimacy) and physical (passion).
  In men, the decline in the physical aspect is often equated with the extinction of love.
  So-called "true love" is based on these three aspects, taken in equal proportions. Therefore, in calm environment by analyzing your family life, you should think and give in life necessary aspect more attention. Take your husband's confession not as a tragedy, but as a call to action.
  We recommend to read:
  

  • Thank you for taking the time to answer me.
    My husband, a silent man, always keeps all the problems and emotions in himself. I tried to talk to him about the "three aspects of love", but emotional attachment he doesn't feel for me. His talk about our future is just annoying. It is also insanely difficult for me, I cry non-stop, my husband sighs and frowns even more. He threw himself into work, took extra shifts. It's easier for him to tell. I'm really scared to lose my husband, my family, to hurt my child, I'm scared to destroy everything. I do not climb into his soul, my husband does not like it. I don't know how to behave properly so as not to aggravate the situation. After work, he comes and sits at the computer. Then he goes to sleep. Please tell me in which direction I should move, how to behave so as not to make things worse. We do not swear at all, we always speak calmly, we do not even raise our tone. Sticking with conversations is not an option, the husband does not like conversations at all, and he always shied away from “spiritual conversations”. Leave it alone and don't touch it? Trying to act like before? But I have a stupor. Usually I reached out to my husband, hugged, praised for little things, let him rest after work, etc. And now I'm scared to hug, scared to say something, scared to just sit next to me and take my hand, as before. I tried, but he tenses up, turns to stone. Doesn't move away, but kind of freezes, like it's blocking me.
    The man is a rock! Never apologizes, never takes back his words, for him there are no other colors than "black and white." Stingy on the manifestation of any emotions. There is no way to convince him of anything. But this is my dear man, the father of my daughter. I accept it as such and appreciate it, respect and love it.
    I wrote a lot of letters again, sorry. Emotions are running high, it's a shame and it hurts a lot.

    • Maria, now the most important thing is to realize what happened and accept the situation. You cannot change it, so it is important to accept it. This is necessary so that you stop feeling sorry for yourself, crying, being sad. Living with a man like your husband, you should have adopted a few of his qualities, or at least seemed like that with him - be tougher, not show unnecessary emotions. Now you need to adapt to it and not show your excessive emotionality, weakness. You should act as if nothing happened. Go about your family business as before. There is a stupor to be the first to approach - do not approach. You should take some time to come to your senses, calm down. We recommend soothing tinctures of valerian, motherwort.
      Let's analyze what we have: the husband admitted that he had no feelings. Great, you know it. One client, when she found out that her husband was cheating, said a wonderful phrase: “they didn’t promise to love me forever.” And she's right. In a relationship, no one owes anyone anything. Now you will read a bit of cynicism, try to understand it correctly. It seems to you that your husband is a whole universe for you, you dissolve in him, but in fact this is not so.
      Your husband is a stranger to you. Your family is your parents and your child, who will always love you unconditionally.
      "I accept him as such and appreciate, respect and love him." In your situation, you must accept, appreciate, respect your husband, and start loving yourself. Only then will you stop crying when you realize that by suffering, you are hurting yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Take care of yourself, internal forces You will still need it. And remember, no man is worthy of your tears, and the one who is worthy will never make you cry.

      • Hello. Thanks for answering me and helping me.
        I'm trying to follow your advice, but it's very difficult. For several days I tried to behave as usual, with the exception of tactile contact. And that turns out to be the hardest part. It used to be the norm for me to kiss, kiss when meeting and parting, take my hand if we are going somewhere, pat on the back, etc., such simple gestures are now inaccessible to me and I have to control it.
        Two days ago, in the evening, I could not resist and hugged him. He endured, but it was clear that he was not pleased.
        Well, I can not pretend that he is indifferent to me. In domestic terms, it’s not difficult for me to lead a familiar lifestyle, but emotionally I can’t cope.
        After this incident, we stopped talking. He asks, but I can’t answer, I’m choking with a lump, tears. In order not to cry, you have to be silent. They didn't talk for a day. And yesterday, the mother-in-law suggested that he go somewhere to rest. The husband agreed and is waiting for a vacation. And now I'm afraid that he will either leave forever or there, on vacation, he will decide not to save his family at all and upon his return everything will completely collapse. This morning I burst into tears again and told him about my fears. He replied that he did not know anything. Vacation is not far away and what will happen next is not known. He repeated that he did not want a separation and a divorce, but only because I had nowhere to go. It would be where - would have let go, but not kicked out. He said that families are different, but I came up with an ideal one for myself and demand that he follow the rules. He said that he was tired and did not want anything at all.
        Today is an important day for our daughter, the first performance. She is waiting for him, but he said that he would not come. He was tired of everything. He left slamming the door.
        The family is falling apart. What happens next is scary. Vacation is still this (
        You are right, I dissolve in my husband, he really is the whole world for me. Maybe you should not wait for your husband's vacation, but just take your daughter and leave? There really is nowhere to go, I have no parents, relatives and close friends too. But I will find a way out, maybe rent a hostel ...
        I torment my husband, I suffer myself, my daughter in the kindergarten tells how dad does not love mom and mom cries (If my husband is tormented because of me, then maybe it would be more correct to leave?
        Thoughts jump, I confuse words and forget. I became confused, inattentive, nothing makes me happy.

Hello.
I ask for your advice and your help in the matter of relationships.
Met a girl for a year. They loved each other very much. We are peers. A month ago, the girl said that we were breaking up, that she was tired of everything. Although she herself said that she loved me very much, what would happen to me, that I was perfect, although I pissed and pissed her off, she said that she would marry me. She, like me, is the longest relationship. Year together.
During the last quarrel, I was jealous of her, at the meeting I told her this, thereby offending her and pissed her off. After that, we did not communicate for two days, I wanted to find out how her mother was and at the same time consult about a gift for my girlfriend's birthday. Arriving at work with my mother, we talked to her, told her about the quarrel, her mother said that she would talk to her, as if by chance, touching on the topic of relationships. The next day, my girlfriend herself wrote to me first, forgetting the quarrel, but by the evening she changed her mood and didn’t want to communicate at all (her mother talked to her and my girlfriend realized that I had come to her mother for advice, she was very angry with me from -for this, as she told me more than once that I should not discuss our personal life with anyone.During such quarrels, I turned to my girlfriend's sister for advice, fearing to lose). After she wrote that we were breaking up. I told her that we do not need to leave, but she had already decided for herself.
I decided to leave her for a while. A week later, I met her after class, she treated me coldly. I decided to walk her home, but she told me not to follow her, that there would be nothing between us and that she had decided everything, she said that I should have at least a little self-respect, although not so long ago she said how much she loves me.
As a result, with my stubbornness, I brought her to hysterics, I asked her not to leave, to forgive me for my mistakes, in general, I humiliated myself in front of her, did not want to let go, because I love her very much. And he only made things worse. Emotionally, she said that she did not love. I don't want to believe it, to be honest. She said that she did not want to be with me, to leave me alone forever. "If you love, then leave it alone."
She asked me, told me several times, there was no need to tell anyone what was going on between us. I said that I would not do this anymore, but I myself repeated my mistakes ... this quarrel may be the last, he turned to her sister and twice to her mother, was afraid to lose, but it turned out that he lost ...
As a result, we do not communicate for three weeks, we silently pass each other at the university.
Would it be better to start talking little by little? Will it be possible to return it? Work on yourself has been done, mistakes have been analyzed, conclusions have been drawn. I really want to return her, she asked me not to let her go, even before all the quarrels. I hope that she still loves me, but what she told me was emotional. Even though enough time has passed for her to move away, I hesitate to approach her for fear of ruining everything completely. Yes, I understood that it was bad to be jealous, but I was jealous not because I did not trust, but because I love. Jealousy is a stupid feeling. I accepted her for who she is and I love her any, even if she is angry with me or offended.
My mistakes are not fatal enough to end like this. Yes, she is tired of this, I annoy her, but I did not cheat on her, loved, paid enough attention to her, gave flowers and gifts. All my mistakes have become the reason why she does not want to be with me. But I tried and changed. I am monogamous and want to be only with her.
Is there any chance to fix it? And what should I do now: leave her for a while, or gradually resume communication?
Please help advice.

• Hello Igor. Your girl has a character with a core, she wants her boyfriend to be no weaker than her.
  No matter how much you want to go about your negative emotions, it is necessary to restrain yourself by an effort of will, not to show that there is a fear of losing a loved one. All these feelings, fears were transferred to the girl who saw in front of her weak man. It's all because of the real feeling of love, which made you insecure, wounded. What do girls want? They want to be proud of their boyfriends, to admire them, to feel that they are loved, but they do not keep them near them and give them freedom.
  Start saying hello to her, just passing by smiling, as if nothing had happened, said "hello" and walked past. She must think that you are doing well. Therefore, before her eyes, try to be cheerful, communicate with other girls, keep intrigue. It is very important that she sees you with another no less pretty girl, let her be jealous. If she asks in the future, and she will definitely ask about what she saw, say that it’s nothing serious, the girl herself takes the initiative.
  Your task now is simply to resume normal, friendly relations. For more, it's too early to claim. Become again a friend who allows everything and understands that the girl has a need to please everyone, and not just you. Do not make excuses and do not apologize to her anymore, she wants to see you proud and independent - become like that in her eyes. Do not discuss your relationship with anyone else. Set yourself up for the fact that there are a lot of girls around, and you are the only one and there will definitely be one that will truly appreciate you.

  • Hello, Natalia. Some time passed and, we can say that communication improved a little between us, but not quite. We crossed paths, said "hello" and that was it. One day in December, she wrote that she felt very bad without me, but she also felt bad with me. She said that she had not yet let go, but did not want to return. Again he says that he does not love. After that, she became cold again and ignores me.
    For all the time that passed, she was alone, did not meet with anyone. I still hope to get everything back, but I'm afraid to do something wrong and ruin everything completely. last conversation ours was at the beginning of the month, then she said that she did not love and did not return anything. Leave her again and not disturb? Or try to communicate?
    Thank you for past advice. Please help me again please.

    • Hello Igor. Try not to react to the words of the girl and not to show that it hurts you when she says that she does not love.
      In general, close this topic once and for all and never start yourself. Let her stew in her feelings and understand herself without hurting you.
      Do not be afraid to do something wrong, it is better to do something than to do nothing.
      That's when the girl wrote that she felt bad - you need to be active right away: “if you want to come, we’ll take a walk, as before, it doesn’t oblige you to anything, just take a walk and you will feel better ...” Cunning and be resourceful.
      “Leave her again and not disturb her? Or try to communicate? Of course to communicate, but to do it so skillfully and appear every time randomly and unexpectedly.
      If she says that she does not want to return, then also play along with her and make it clear that this suits you too.
      "After that, she became cold again and ignores me." - Do not fix your eyes on her all the time, go about your business and try to be calm, and in suitable situations, cheerful. It is necessary that she follow you and want to observe, and for this you will have to show yourself as a changed person in order to attract her attention to yourself.

      • And for some reason, just tonight, she blocked me on the social. networks. What does she want to show by this? I haven't written or called her for a long time. Maybe I'm really tired of her?

        • Igor, she is trying to forget you in this way and does not want you to track her life. Find yourself a hobby for the soul, distract yourself mentally from it.

      Hello, Natalia. Again. I recently found out that my ex-girlfriend started dating another guy. All this time since my last message You, I still tried to somehow start to communicate, but to no avail: again ignoring, again silence. The news that she started a new relationship hurt me, but it further fueled the desire to return her. They are classmates and he is younger than her by two years. I still want everything back, even if it takes a long time. It’s impossible to let go and forget everything, and I don’t want to, to be honest. How to be in this situation, Natalia? Change yourself and just silently watch her, wait and hope further that she wants to return.

  It doesn't seem to be curable...
  Hello again. I don’t forget, this attachment doesn’t let go, or love, or already a disease ... or it’s me myself who doesn’t want to let go of everything. I never stopped visiting her pages in social networks, did not stop occasionally asking her friends how she was doing. Occasionally I write her SMS, but almost every time I get the answer: "do not write to me." He met others, talked, and thoughts about her in his head. There is still hope somewhere. He is drawn to her, although a year has already passed. And does not leave the desire to return it and start all over again.
  What did I do, what did I try to do to get her back? A lot of flowers, small gifts, poems. I went over in my head a hundred times everything that happened, what mistakes I made. Trying to get her interested. To hook something again, as for the first time ... but so far attempts have been futile.
  I again ask for your words of support or guidance, anything.

  • Hello Igor. Or maybe you don't need to be treated for it? Just live with that feeling. Don't fight it, but don't let it dwell on it either.
    You have done everything possible and impossible to renew your relationship with a girl. You are experiencing a year. This is a lot, but considering that you love it, this is normal. Accept the situation as it is today. You love, you don't. This is fine. It just so happens that she doesn't love you. But she doesn't have to love you. It happens.
    Love is “like manna from heaven”, it descended on a person and he begins to love, without even understanding why. And just like that, she can disappear. Love cannot last forever, it should be supported like a flame, throwing firewood, which is what you do: flowers, gifts, poems. The time has come for you to stop, respect yourself and let go of the situation.
    “I went over in my head a hundred times everything that happened, what mistakes I made” - You shouldn’t overdo it with this either, stop remembering past mistakes, you did it once correct conclusions and forward to conquer new women's hearts.

Hello. I contacted you on August 13th. Let me remind you, I am 43, the young man is 26. Overnight, he ended our relationship. All the fault of my unbridled jealousy and showdown. My attempts to explain and try to change something ended in nothing. He was silent.
Time has passed .. I get acquainted, communicate. But nothing serious yet. I thought I could forget him, but it doesn’t work .. My daughter-in-law advised me to create a left page in social networks with other people's data and try to communicate with him just in a friendly way. I did just that. I had to change the writing style a bit. But everything worked out. Asked on someone else's behalf about myself. He replied that she was blowing his mind, that she no longer remembers me and in general, there is no and cannot be a return to the old..
He didn’t have anyone, he was alone ... The first left page had to be removed, she let it get too close to her. I felt that he was beginning to show interest more than allowed by me. Now we communicate on the second, I created. With reason I understand all the absurdity of my idea. But I can’t refuse to know HOW he is and WHAT .. If he finds out about my tricks, he will certainly hate me. He treats any kind of deceit with rejection .. And from my real name I am afraid to write to him. He made it clear that he was no longer interested in me. Completely confused. Maybe you can give me some advice? Thanks in advance.

• Hello Natalia. Definitely, he should never know that you communicated with him using a different name. What can you do in your situation? Over time, your young man will rethink everything and become more calm towards you, and if you are persistent, but at the same time do everything beautifully, then you can openly resume friendly relations with him (meaning social networks). This requires time, patience and sincerely wish happiness to your young man, even if he is not with you. It is very difficult and not everyone is capable of this. Often love is selfish and a person thinks about himself how bad he is without the object of his passion. This is psychological dependence and desire to be loved. But love cannot be earned, it is impossible to force a person to love himself.
  In two months, congratulate the guy on the New Year, wish him all the best, if he answers well, he doesn’t answer, it’s also good. If he answers, then you should not enter into a lengthy correspondence. By force of will, force yourself to think about other people, communicate with cheerful friends, they will take you out of obsessive state mourn for a loved one. There will be a reason to congratulate on any event - congratulate the former. This will allow him to understand that he means a lot to you and you remember him. So it can take more than one month, a year, but if you are constant, then your boyfriend will subconsciously wait for your messages, even if he does not immediately reciprocate.

  • Thank you .. About 10 days ago I had very bad dreams about him ... And since I almost never remember them, this is what alerted me. And in social networks, he was absent for some time, then I wrote to him on my real name about these dreams, and that I was worried about him. He answered in a day, with just one word .. That was enough for me ..
    Now, on someone else’s page, I learn about him that I didn’t learn in our reality with him ... Then I was busy sorting things out (((
    Happy New Year to him... I really want him to be happy. I know that he communicates with many, he himself tells some moments from his life. And you know, all this sociability of his, which irritated me before, now does not cause any negative emotions. I am calm. I have no illusions, I live my own life .. But this craving for women over 40 still worries me. I once asked him: “Do your parents love you?”. To which he replied: “But I don’t know ..” Is this some kind of dislike or something ???

    • Natalia, a person subconsciously attracts to himself what he lacks. And it is not at all necessary that your boyfriend needs maternal love. Adult women are attractive as life experience, they know how to listen, and can be interesting, exciting companions, unlike girls who are interested in fashion trends, cosmetics and want attention only to their person. A wise, adult woman will be able to support with useful advice, and a young girl will wait for help from a guy, and this is a responsibility. And, of course, a young man is attracted to a woman by a certain experience, emancipation and courage in intimate relationships.

Hello. Dated a girl for 2 years. They knew each other since school. Went to different institutes. Then, when they returned to their hometown, they decided to try to meet, as there was sympathy. Relations like everyone else, sometimes quarrels, sometimes disputes, but in general everything is not bad, but soon she got tired of me (I don’t want to get married). She said that she wants a family and doesn’t love me anymore (although she used to say that I’m the best, the best and she doesn’t need anyone but me, she said that she would always love me). We broke up, I thought that she would just take a break from me and return, but almost immediately she began a relationship with a guy who is 5 years older than me. After 3 months, she broke up with him and after 6-7 months she married some guy. Randomly ran into their photos. She looks happy, but it's like I didn't even exist. And for a year now I can’t even think about other girls and I see her in almost every passer-by. It seems that not a small one should have already let go, but it feels like every day I get worse and worse. I can’t make new acquaintances, and I have broken all the old ones. All the cases that I undertake do not work out. I don’t even have anyone to talk to about this (I don’t want to burden my parents).

• Hello Vlad. If your feelings for a girl are strong and sincere, then it will be very difficult to get rid of them, and maybe you shouldn’t do it at all. Continue to love her in the depths of your soul, do not resist your feeling, wish her happiness with all your heart. remembering happy moments When you were together, mentally thank the Universe for this. Over time, you will feel better and your life will change.
  Photos on social media networks are not recommended. Often their girls spread in order to impress the society and they do not always correspond to reality. When a person does not believe in his own happiness, he does everything to convince others of his existence. On your example, you can be convinced of this - you believed and you are torturing yourself with this. Maybe the girl loves you now, but she set herself the goal of getting married, because it was her important need on that moment. The psychology of women is such that they draw conclusions about the attitude of men towards them, based on whether a young man makes an offer or not. If he does, then there are feelings, if he does not want to legitimize the relationship, then he does not love and the relationship will not be long.

  Vlad, there is a deeper reason for your problem. Perhaps its realization will cause you negative feelings (and this is normal), but only understanding this reason will help you build your own later life. N.A. Vedmesh advises you not to resist your feeling, if it is sincere, and wish your ex-girlfriend happiness. But, I'll tell you honestly, a rare person is capable of this. And I'm not sure if this is possible in your case. Why? Because "impossibility" is directly related to the cause of your condition. And the inner psychological reason the fact that you are tormenting yourself and can no longer look at other girls lies in your wounded pride. Yes exactly. Initially, you assured yourself that you are the most wonderful for this girl. You thought that she would always love you, because she herself said so. And when your girlfriend wanted to leave, you didn't stop her. Decided to come back. You were not afraid to lose her, because. were sure of their irresistibility for her. When she started a relationship with another, you tensed up, wondered if it was worth taking action. And then she broke up. You thought again - it means he will return. But when you came across her photo and found out that she was married, your belief collapsed. You feel offended and hurt
  She is happy and has forgotten about you! How? There is no strong true love, but there is a sense of loss of self-worth (and in their own eyes). And you have 2 ways - to be tormented and blame everyone and everything, or to start a new one and really happy life, to love and to be loved. Can help. Write in person: vikz-85(dog)mail.ru Victoria.