Lonely? Do not know how to overcome this vile loneliness? Read tips that are completely upside down your sad perception of the world!
Loneliness…
Already in this word lies a terrible hopelessness!
Man was created as a paired, herd creature, which is why he experiences isolation so hard.
Yes, I know about feminism, childfree and other fashion trends that claim that self-sufficient person may well do without love, friendship, children and other things.
I'm actually against the excesses and in one direction and the other!
Alone with yourself and you cannot do without companies and communication at all - this is bad, but if any communication or living with someone is a burden for you - this is also not normal.
We need to find a middle ground.
"I don't have to deal with being alone!"
I graduated from the faculty where Teaching Staff was 80% female, and the vast majority of ladies were single.
And if, looking at some, I understood why not only men, but also friends ran away from them, the loneliness of others was puzzling.
Clever, beautiful, earn good money, funny, not bitches - what else do these men need?
Indeed, in modern world there is such a paradox: worthless men and successful women most often suffer from loneliness.
I think it is not necessary to consider the first case, but I would like to dwell on the second in more detail.
First, these ladies studied, then they sought to gain a foothold at work, defend their thesis, and there was not much time for dates.
And, having reached a certain level, they can no longer look at a man with a 9th grade education and dirty nails.
What remains? Loneliness? Not!
Overcome loneliness possible if desired.
If someone claims that he feels quite normal without having a loved one and friends around, then he is either lying or has serious psychological problems ... and I'm not kidding!
My second cousin works under a retired boss.
The woman divorced after three years family life, then she raised her son on her own, never got married again, moreover, she didn’t even have a promising relationship.
So, intrigues for the sake of profit, the details of which are still savored by the sister's older colleagues.
The son grew up, moved to another city, she could not find her daughter-in-law mutual language, so he even sees his grandchildren on big holidays, lives alone in the company of cats.
But the strangest thing is not even this, but the attitude of an adult woman who sincerely hates all married people and regularly repeats the phrase: “Ah, I could not get along with anyone !!!”
And now tell me that this lady has no serious psychological problems?
But there is also a benefit from her: the girls in the department were so afraid of repeating her fate that they all quickly jumped into marriage and value their families very much!
Why is it so hard to deal with loneliness?
Any problems and life difficulties don't come out of nowhere.
They are a consequence of our actions, decisions (or not taken) and behavior patterns. Loneliness is no exception.
The most common reasons why a person turns out to be of no use to anyone are as follows:
Excessive pickiness.
You don’t need to grab the first man / woman that comes to hand, but it’s not an option all your life to search for flaws in potential grooms / brides.
Ideal people do not exist, everyone has their shortcomings, you are required to decide whether you can put up with certain character traits and habits of another person?
Selfishness and laziness.
Any relationship is a hard job that needs to be worked on all your life!
Yes, yes, not just go with the flow and wave your hand at everything, but to work!
For a marriage or friendship to be successful, you must sometimes give in, sometimes be flexible, sometimes sacrifice your interests.
It must be remembered that you are no longer only I, but also WE!
Excessive aggressiveness.
Dominance, tantrums, cruelty, etc. bad traits character, with which you can and should fight not only for the sake of others, but also for yourself.
Untidy appearance.
you can be interesting person, but no one wants to date a woman who walks around with messy hair and frayed tights, or a man with a beer belly and bad breath. They really meet on clothes!
Excessive assertiveness in relationships.
People who are in too much of a hurry overcome loneliness, scare.
If you languidly care for a girl for years, then most likely she will leave you. But when planning your family life on the second date, achieve the same effect.
Keep a sense of proportion!
To the question how to overcome loneliness, experts most often answer: “With the help of communication!”
Indeed, if you have interesting job in a good team faithful friends, hobbies and you support warm relationship with your family, then the absence of the second half will not be taken so sharply!
You can also cope with suffering by adhering to the following recommendations:
Don't dwell on the fact that you are alone right now.
Think of a break in your personal life as temporary difficulties that will definitely end!
Don't get angry.
From the fact that you will hate a girlfriend / friend, in whom everything is just “hit” in their personal lives, you will not become happier!
The hatred that devours you will sooner or later show on your face and it will scare away men / women.
It is better to sincerely rejoice for the arranged personal life of a friend and program yourself to repeat her success! 😉
- live interestingly.
Visit theaters, museums, exhibitions, volunteer for a charitable organization.
Your free time is the envy of you. married women and married men, use it for personal growth.
In addition, in such places you have real chances to meet like-minded people.
It offers many opportunities for communication, which may well turn from virtual to real.
The main thing is not to become addicted to the Internet.
Find someone who needs your love.
A kitten or a puppy at home will drive away loneliness, and the birth of a child without a husband has not been considered a crime for a long time (this, of course, is the most extreme option).
I propose to look at the interesting conclusion of scientists,
on how older people can deal with loneliness:
Deal with loneliness- simple enough.
The main thing is not to drown in it, not to shut yourself off from the world and not start feeling sorry for yourself.
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Very few people are able to truly enjoy loneliness - as a rule, most of us are weighed down by this state. However, there are ways to help deal with these feelings. Almost all people are afraid to be alone, and this is absolutely normal, since a person lives in society. Experiences about the life of a hermit make even children think. With age, anxiety increases and turns into fear. Any thought of loneliness often terrifies us. It is these feelings that push people to commit rash acts. For example, a woman can marry someone she doesn't even like very much, just to start a family. However, men can do the same.
Under what circumstances can a person feel lonely
People who do not like to communicate with others are very rarely afraid of being alone, they have no need to build relationships with others. Most often, they have enough correspondence with a person who lives in another country, or rare meetings with practically only friend. If you have a lot of friends and like to spend time with them often, then most likely you are worried about how you will feel when this is all over. In fact, this fear exists only in the head of a person, and in fact, he does not threaten to be cut off from society. Under what circumstances do we feel lonely? Most often, the thought that you were left completely alone comes after the loss of someone close. It can be like parting with a loved one or just a quarrel. At such moments, it is important to remember that your position is temporary, and soon you will either restore relationships or start new ones. It is much more difficult to overcome the fear of being hurt again and learn to trust. You may also feel lonely after major changes, such as moving or changing jobs, when strong connection with people you love.How to tell if you are truly lonely
There are far fewer truly lonely people than those who consider themselves so. The fact is that we often look at own life intoxicated, that is, under the influence of emotions. It happens that a person only thinks that no one needs him, and none of his acquaintances wants to keep in touch with him. In fact, everything may be far from it. To understand this issue, you need to spend a lot of time on introspection. Try to calm down and think about whether there is at least one person in your environment to whom you can tell what is going on in your heart. It is also possible, on the contrary, that someone opens up in front of you. If you can be sincere in the presence of someone, then you are no longer alone. And if your friend or acquaintance pours out his soul before you, then he trusts you, which means that you are dear to him. Also, try to test your thoughts and assumptions. Perhaps about your emotional experiences want to take care of more people than you imagine.4 stages of loneliness
In turn, there are different types loneliness. Everyone goes through a period in their life when they are all alone, but the situation soon changes. This is temporary loneliness. Everything is much more difficult if a person long time unable to establish any kind of relationship with others. Also, loneliness can be divided into several stages.
How to deal with feelings of loneliness
If in fact there are a lot of people around you, both close and not, but at the same time the feeling of loneliness does not leave you If there are always a lot of people around you, but none of them is your friend, support and support, then most likely you Just don't let the people around you. That is, you yourself cannot be sincere with them, and also do not allow them to open up. Try to remind yourself that even if someone hurt you in the past, they are not in your life now. Most likely, right now next to you is that girl who will never hurt, as well as a friend who will support you. Relationships with people are always a risk, but it is almost always justified.How to deal with loneliness and is it worth it at all
Of course, being alone isn't always bad. You can try to come to terms with your situation or change the situation. To decide for yourself which position to choose, you need to weigh all the pros and cons of living alone, and then decide what type of life suits you personally. Few people know that loneliness negatively affects health. Hermits almost always suffer from alcoholism. In addition, they overeat or vice versa, forget to eat normally, and also smoke. There are also problems with nervous system, since all feelings and emotions remain unexpressed, and oppress a person. Because of this, singles are constantly depressed. Also, his self-esteem drops sharply, and distrust of others also increases. On the other hand, loneliness allows a person to analyze himself, his worldview. Many hermits go to the mountains or other remote areas to find harmony in themselves, to meditate. Also, the life of a loner allows you to take a break from the fast pace of life in the world. Some people associate loneliness with fresh air. It is during this period of life that a person begins to truly understand what personal space is, and also learns to appreciate it.Psychologist's advice: how to overcome depression amid loneliness
Many people believe that they can overcome long-term depression if they communicate a lot with others. This is true, but there is a small condition. Support from the outside is definitely needed, but it is also necessary that a person suffering from loneliness began to change his inner world. Start with own thoughts, analyze them. Once you realize that your thoughts are only depressing at the moment, stop them. Try to think positively and it will soon become a habit. Also, step by step, start solving your problems, you can ask your loved ones for help in this. Also start talking to a psychologist. To get started, set up face-to-face meetings, and later try to attend group sessions where you can make friends and perhaps get rid of loneliness forever.
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Feeling alone is not just sad, it's scary. It weighs, crushes, kills the desire to live. There are many reasons for this state - the result is one: a person is unhappy. Even where the flashing of faces and cars is tiring, and there are hundreds of neighboring doors. What to do with it, how to overcome the dreary feeling of abandonment, lack of demand? Especially if there is no family or it has broken up, the children have grown up and they are not up to you?
Let's think together.
Being lonely is bad - is it a stereotype or true?
The question of how to cope with loneliness overcomes, first of all, those who are convinced that living alone (for example,) is a complete negative. But the fact of the presence of loved ones / friends and the concept of " full life' are not synonyms. It is not our relatives who make us meaningful and self-sufficient, but ourselves. Whoever manages to realize this, he will be able to move on. By changing the way you look at the problem and yourself. To become happy.
This does not mean setting yourself up for self-isolation: such a position is unlikely to make anyone truly happy - from ardent feminists and those who consider themselves childfree to staunch egoists and incorrigible lazy people. Children-love-friendship is not a set of "excesses" that can be neglected. Even if the desire for self-sufficiency has grown into a cult, and a woman is sick of tolerating someone nearby.
Why the thesis “I don’t need anyone” worries a female audience more than a male one, it is simply explained: this “half” of humanity inherited the family-maternal instinct from nature (exceptions are rare). And the more paradoxical the abundance of “smart-beautiful-successful” young ladies looks next to the men losing to them in the list of virtues, the more painfully the traditional plot hits. More often "in the ladies' filing."
The reason is clear: a chance to build a family nest “with just anyone”. And it doesn’t matter if she is 30-35 and she is “not yet married”, she is 40-45 and she is “already divorced”, or only at 50-55, when she “gets married late and does not pull”, the grown children started families, moved away, and the question of how to survive loneliness took me by surprise and does not give rest. Age and circumstances are no reason to put up with misfortune.
Find the root of evil - half solve the problem
There are several reasons to complain about isolation, personal disorder, indifference of relatives / others.
1. Excessive pickiness and intolerance.
Ideal companions are rare. This must be accepted, the candidate is not quite suitable for you. As well as the manifestation of discontent, the habit of commanding, insulting and teaching.
2. Narcissism and laziness.
If your "I" is at the forefront, the relationship is doomed. Learn flexibility, get ready to give in, value other people's interests. And also work hard and be caring. Separation-loneliness does not threaten those who have a friendly “We” in the first place.
3. Indifference to their appearance.
Conviction in one's own "uninterestingness", a bunch of shortcomings, a passion for soul-searching are contagious. Like distrust, skepticism in assessing situations and actions - one's own and others'. Initiativeless, in everything.
Let go of the problem
Do not torture yourself with memories of a period when the circle of acquaintances was wide. Focus on the benefits of being independent. And think about how to make up for the break in the old ties. Start with yourself. Decide: you need communication or you are a fan of hermitage.
Find something fun for your soul
There is no time to worry about forgetfulness-abandonment for someone who is passionate and constantly busy. Find a hobby for yourself, fill your days with learning something new, positive. Develop skills. Share your achievements with neighbors, acquaintances - the reaction will follow. Approving.
Open yourself to the world
Change the mask of a harsh personality to a willingness to smile, say hello, ask about health-business-plans. A salesman, an old woman, a mother with a baby at home may be pleasant interlocutors. Get in touch and you'll be fine.
Help others
This is an effective medicine. With this attitude, you will not only feel your importance, but also make friends. And if you decide to shelter a homeless animal, it will repay you with love and a fountain of emotions. Life will be filled with meaning.
Become happy - at home and outside the home walls
Love the company of yourself / yourself. Start small: songs, dances, walks. Go to a concert, join a sports club. Go where you dreamed of visiting. Give happiness to yourself - and it will come. Maybe .
This is a letter from R.B. Elena from St. Petersburg, written with pain, about what worries many girls and women today.
“I would like to ask the priest a question. I tried to talk about this with the priests of my church, but, unfortunately, I did not hear anything intelligible. I can't understand God's plan for myself. Who needs my misfortune?
I will soon be forty years old, I live in a small apartment with my mother. I have an interesting job, many friends, I sing in the kliros, I teach in Sunday school. My appearance is ordinary, I have never been a blue stocking in a black scarf - I participate in company events, etc. But I am not married, I have never even had a fiance, as well as children. And probably never will be.
No, I do not promise and do not get tired of praying and hoping, I know examples of happy marriages, I know that, perhaps, I will have time to give birth to a child. But in my case, there is already a higher probability that this will not happen, will not work out, will not work out. I can’t adopt - my mother is against it, and the apartment belongs to her.
In the department at work, all the girls with their families. And every time it hurts me to see how they, happy, announce their pregnancy, go on maternity leave, choose strollers-cots. After a while they come to visit with babies.
I see how other colleagues are relaxing with their husbands and children - everything is fine in their lives. I do not envy - this is a different feeling, but I also want to be like them. And this is not a bad desire - after all, the Lord Himself said: “It is not good for a man to be alone,” and blessed to be fruitful and multiply! And I feel how unkind it is, how much I could give the baby. Even Nick Vuychich has a wife and a son, although he has no arms and legs.
When I do some business related to children's hospitals, I begin to think that everyone has their own cross. I have a cross - the absence of a family. But often I meet happy older people who are doing well. And at the same time they are good, believing people. And none of them died, did not get seriously ill, the family is good, the children are alive and well.
I can't understand why. And the standard Orthodox explanations are not very suitable.
“Pay attention to yourself, Antony,” is said to a person who has already made his choice and asked about strangers. I ask about myself and my life. I myself am not a monastic warehouse, I will not leave my mother either, and she will not let me go to the monastery.
Many say that sorrows are given according to sins. A parishioner of our church firmly said that she had abortions, and therefore her daughter is disabled. But, to be honest, I can’t attribute this “for sins” to myself. I kept my chastity, I didn’t even kiss anyone, especially I didn’t have abortions and didn’t commit mortal sins. Judgment, idle talk and irritation, as well as other sins - they are all in place, yes, alas, but I didn’t do anything really grandiosely bad.
Perhaps another explanation is that she would end up being a terrible wife and mother. May be. But it could be good too! I have an equal relationship with everyone. I love children and work a lot in Sunday school, so I can’t imagine that I would become a completely terrible mother.
Also, I do not fit the explanation that in this world good people suffer, and sinners feast, but in the next world everything will be different. I have friends and close good people, many of whom are believers and churchgoers. I think in future life they will all be fine.
I do not have the main business of life, for the sake of which one could put up with loneliness. I am not Condoleezza Rice - the work is normal, if I quit tomorrow, then nothing will happen. Although I love my job and I can no longer rush in search of my vocation.
When I listen to pregnant friends and happy wives again and again, the same question continues to torment me: “Lord, I want that too! I would have been a wife and a mother of many children for 20 years! Why did You give me this loneliness?! When I even have no one to talk heart to heart with. There is no one to hold by the hand, except for the grandmothers from the temple. Even though they have children and grandchildren.”
Even about death and afterlife I think… sadly. Of course, I understand that I can go to hell in general, but after all ... this earthly happiness, the birth and upbringing of children will not be there. Many live out this happiness here. Almost all acquaintances with many children say that they no longer want children. After their seventh or eighth, even the eleventh child, they do not want and do not regret that they will no longer be able to give birth.
My main question: how to accept the Will of God for yourself? How to stop wanting a family and children? How to deal with your loneliness?
Thanks in advance,
R.B. Elena, 39 years old, St. Petersburg
Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko, rector of the Church of the All-Merciful Savior in the former Sorrowful Monastery, answers the reader’s letter, in which she talks about how she suffers due to the absence of a family, children and asks how to accept this, how to accept God’s will for herself.
Hello, dear Elena!
You are asking a very, very difficult question. I think this is one of the most difficult questions in the world.
There is difficult questions theoretical requiring philosophical and theological analysis. But, as you know, "dry theory, my friend." But you have a practical question, and you need an answer that would help you accept what you have encountered on your life path.
This is not easy to do. After all, the desire to have a family, a child is a natural, innate, strong and noble side of female nature. Ask, for example, a young man: “Do you want to have children?” He looks at you with some surprise. And the girl will immediately answer: “Of course I want!” And when a girl answers, a fleeting smile will surely touch her lips, because this is a deep, intimate and noblest desire of a normal, healthy female soul.
And when this is a normal, noble aspiration of a girl, a woman does not find realization in any way, of course, she suffers from this. But you can not make your suffering something absolute, completely focusing only on it. Where it's hard, it's hard. So you can't relax. When you walk on a slippery road, you cannot afford to look around and admire the beauties of nature.
If you gape, relax, you will slip, fall, you can get bruised, and sometimes break your arm, leg, or get a concussion. You must, even against your will, carry such a test through life, but you want to relax. But you can not relax where it is difficult.
But why is it difficult - this is again a question to which there is no rational answer. As well as many others. Why does evil exist? Why does a loving and all-powerful God allow it to exist? There is no rational answer to this question. All the answers given by the Holy Fathers ultimately lie in the realm of faith.
That is, with the help of only intellectual tension you will not find answers, only with the help of spiritual tension. With the belief that if the Lord did so, then so be it, although we do not understand this. Well, it's not clear why a mother should bury her child. Is it possible to say to her: “You are burying your child because you are such a sinner, but I don’t bury it because, therefore, I am sinless”?! It would be absolutely wrong and just sound terribly ruthless.
How can we accept such grief, completely incommensurable with our sins? Only by faith. Only by saying honestly and sincerely to God: “I don’t understand, this is beyond my mind. Lord, give me the strength to accept." And, I repeat, it is impossible to get a rational answer here. Man is a spiritual being. And with his spiritual component, he can hear the answer from God himself in his soul and accept it.
If, trying to solve the problem: “why are my friends raising kids, but I still have neither a husband nor children”, to stand on rational positions, then you can simply go to insanity, or outright madness. Nobody can say why. Not because they are better than you, not because you are worse than someone else. Because it is a secret.
One more thing: we are all connected with each other, whether we want it or not. We live in a "post-Christian world" when many concepts are distorted and inverted. And this is against the background of the fact that human nature is subject to sin. Moreover, the male nature is more prone to sinful inclinations than the female. For example, if we take criminal offenses, then the ratio of imprisoned men and women is six to seven men per woman. So does alcoholism. Female alcoholism yes, this is a terrible phenomenon, but it is much less common than male. That is, the masculine nature, as practice shows, is easier to change, pervert than the feminine.
Raising a real man is harder than raising real woman. Our society (and we make it up) cannot cope with this difficult task. Instead of raising real men, we educate lechers, womanizers, criminals, cowards, whatever. I'm not saying that all men are like that, my words should not be taken as generalizing, but I'm talking about the degree of decomposition of the male and female principles in modern humanity.
However, the question can be asked in another way: who educates our men? Very often - single mothers. Why are there single mothers? Including because our unfortunate, poor, good, beautiful women are for some reason ready to enter into certain relationships with men without entering into marriage. How many such debauchery we have! This is where both sexes are equal and equally guilty. After all, every woman is given a beautiful virtue - chastity. If all women kept this virtue and were impregnable, men from womanizers would turn into knights.
Many women violate the commandment "do not commit adultery." But like I said, we're all connected. Some sin and others suffer. Sin is somehow space disaster. You sin, and someone else will answer and suffer. For example, a beautiful, young woman lives, but she does not come across a man whom she could call her husband. Due to the fact that male nature decomposes more easily, and he was brought up by women who allowed themselves what is unacceptable to allow, other women find themselves without a husband.
It turns out that many people suffer not because they are guilty, but because our society is developing so immorally. But, I don’t know if this makes it easier or not, those who, like Lena, who asked us this question, remain deprived of such natural joy as creating a family, having children. It's about about the need to ask the Lord for humility in order to accept life as it develops. Here you can not fall into either extremes, or inferiority complexes, or despondency and melancholy.
Yes, the question to which there is no rational answer sits deep in the mind. There is no need to look for an answer to it, but you need to pray to the Lord that He will give you the strength to accept reality, to accept His will. Once again I emphasize - there is no rational answer. There is only the answer of faith.
Yes, it's a cross, and heavy cross. But having a family is sometimes even harder. Of course, a family is a welcome cross, but when children get sick, mind you, parents face the same question: “Why? What, am I worse than others? Don't I love my child?" And there is no rational answer to it either. In family life, there can be the most difficult trials: illness or death of children, spouses ... There is a monastic path, and this is also a difficult cross. Some who embark on this path cannot stand it, they break under its weight. They lack something very significant: faith, prayer, perseverance, constancy. And this is a tragedy.
Everyone who carries his own cross needs to look for a way out of the seemingly stalemate. You can concentrate all your will to believe and believe in such a way that a miracle happens by faith. Not necessarily in outer life- in your soul. And it will happen if a person believes and calls with all his being to the Merciful Lord: “Lord, have mercy.” Take examples of famous old women, for example, Matronushka of Moscow - the blind, Matronushka of Ryazan - contemporaries, and what suffering they experienced. If accepted with faith, then the Lord creates incredible miracles. Many saints, following King David, had the strength to sincerely say: “It is good for me, for Thou hast humbled me, Lord!”
Faith is acquired through spiritual achievement. You have to put in a lot of spiritual effort. We all want to live normally, not to sin too much and enjoy simple, ordinary human joy. And the Lord calls us to another: the Lord calls us to a feat. Why is it so highly revered military feat? Because it really requires selfless dedication and sacrifice to the point of blood and death. And the feat of the monks, who doom themselves, moreover, voluntarily, to unbearable hardships!
We must look to our Lord, Jesus Christ, who, being innocent, willingly suffered for the guilty. And He shows us the path of self-sacrificing love.
Being the chosen one of God is very difficult. And the bearing of this cross of election requires colossal spiritual efforts. And we are used to a relaxed life. But the Lord desires that you concentrate, that you intensify, that you take up the feat. Once again, we are mysteriously connected to each other. Just as sin spreads to many, so your feat will be saving for someone.
Undoubtedly, your feat, which you carry with humility and love for Christ, will be saving for those people whom you may not know, but whom the Lord, like you, wants to save. It seems that this is unfair, because you are not asked if you yourself want to save someone.
But our earthly life is a gift that the Lord has given you so that you inherit eternal life. The good that the Lord has prepared for those who love Him is so great, and the joy of fellowship with Him is so radiant that all earthly hardships and hardships will be forgotten.
Priest Sergiy Kruglov answered the cry of the soul of R.B. Elena from St. Petersburg, who asked for help with advice on how to stop wanting children and a family.
Hello, Elena.
How to stop wanting a family and children, you ask, how to come to terms with loneliness?
I don't think so. It is impossible to come to terms with this, especially since the word “humility” in the Christian sense does not at all mean “give up everything and surrender to the enemy.” Loneliness is one of the faces of our enemy, death, that enemy whom Christ the Lord defeated with his death and Resurrection, in the victory over which we are all called to take part. All our Christian work is devoted to the fight against loneliness - to get out of ourselves, out of the shell of our “I”, to our neighbor, to God, to recognize and unite with them in love. Love is the most important commandment of God to man, striving for it, a person overcomes loneliness.
Your words: "How to accept the will of God for yourself?" I think it's wrong in this context. . It is not God's will that we be lonely and suffer, His will is that we be happy. I speak sincerely, and not at all because the priest, they say, has such a job - to “shield” God. God does not need our protection, especially when we explain the misfortune that is happening by His will, we blame everything on Him. In the fact that your heart does not accept various Orthodox-stamped answers to painful questions, I see a manifestation of the will of God. After all, the Lord gives each of us the strength and ability of the mind, heart and body to fight for our happiness.
Christians must fight for happiness, and not just "pleasing God." There is undoubtedly a sound grain in our notion that we should “please God” by our fasting, prayers, confession, communion, doing good deeds. After all, it is joyful for a child to please mom and dad. But there is also a bias: firstly, if we consider all this an end in itself, and not just a means to something more.
Secondly, if for us God is not so much a Father who loves us and sympathizes with us, but rather a formidable Lord and Head, then pleasing turns into slavish doing under duress, that is, completely opposite to what God wants from us.
Why are we unhappy, why for happiness, that is, fulfillment God's command about love and overcoming loneliness, you have to fight - sometimes it’s hard, painful, to the point of bloodshed? Because we were born into a fallen world full of evil, sin, imperfection and danger. Life is such that it does not spare anyone, it rides on us indifferently and blindly, not paying attention to someone's cries and groans, the crunch of the bones of the righteous or sinners under the wheel.
The fact that we are still alive despite a million dangers can be considered a real miracle, a miracle of the manifestation of God's care for us.
He went to the cross for us and always puts His hands under the blows of life that befall us. Why and for what all this evil is a meaningless question, what God created has meaning, but evil has no meaning. Another question is appropriate - what to do with this evil and how to fight it.
How do you, Elena, fight for your happiness? Of course, I don’t give any advice, especially since I only know about your circumstances what you yourself said in a letter, here absentee advice, which we sometimes easily and willingly distribute to each other right and left, can be “missing the mark”, are simply harmful. The idea that the priest knows the exact answers to all questions is fundamentally wrong. Life, alas, puts much more questions than gives answers. But it is also important to ask the right questions. After reading your letter, the questions may be:
“I’m used to relying on the “will of God” in everything - it sounds Orthodox, but doesn’t this really mean, as it often, alas, happens: I want God, the Highest Authority, to decide for me, to guide me - but without my participation that I'm afraid to take responsibility for my life?
So I wrote that I am not a blue stocking in a black scarf, I go to companies, but I don’t mention those men who were with me in these companies, in general about those that I met in my life. Do I really live on some fantastic planet where there are no men at all? Could it be that the men still met, but “didn’t work out” with them? And if so, why didn't it work out?
Let me remind you once again: I am not talking specifically about you, Elena, but I am only giving you information for consideration. With questions like yours, many women come to the temple, and the leitmotif of their complaints is about the same: I want to have a husband, but such men that I meet do not suit me, one is infantile, the other likes to drink, there is no spiritual intimacy with the third. What to do?
If you put aside tears and complaints, then real ways- two. Or do not exchange and stubbornly wait for your desired, such as is drawn in dreams. But then you need to soberly say to yourself: I am ready to wait and endure for years, perhaps all my life, but without true love do not agree to live. God help me!
Or the second way: to remember that God bequeathed to love real, not invented neighbors, and that main way to receive love is to begin to love yourself. And marry someone who is, who really met in life, even if he is not ideal. And say to myself soberly: I am ready to do everything that a lover does for a loved one, give birth to children for him, be faithful to him, not judge and not tear him away from me for his sins. She is ready to help him get rid of them, without waiting for feelings to come along with deeds of love. God help me!
Both ways are the cross. Not what you called “the cross” in your letter, but exactly this: we carry the cross following the example of our Teacher and Savior, and He accepted the cross consciously and voluntarily. Torment and suffering, unwanted, involuntary, which you only strive to throw off your shoulders, is no longer a cross. And there is no benefit from such torment and suffering.
What will I choose - to continue to sit, huddled in the shell of my unfulfilled desires, to stagnate in my grievances and sores, in a panic watching how the years go by, how dissatisfaction and despondency develop into severe depression? Or take and make steps that are feasible for me? Everyone decides for himself. Only in the first case, God cannot break through the shell of loneliness to us, which we ourselves reinforce with our inaction, and in the second case, God helps us to carry the cross, and life acquires meaning.
Because every cross carried along with Christ, to the extent of one's faith, ends not in death, but in resurrection. I can’t prove this right now - but I can testify that I met those who patiently waited for their love, and those who in everyday life, day after day, grew it from what was at hand.
Of course, life is full of nuances, and in reality everything is much more complicated than in my thoughts. In any case, I wish you, Elena, not to despair, and I believe that everything will be fine with you. Easily? No, it's not easy, it's not. Everything real, vitally important, in life is always won. In the struggle with oneself - first of all, with one's passions, illusions, phobias, fears, lack of faith. Yes, there is a real risk of injury and injury in wrestling, but there is also real chance win because God is for us.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. Throughout my life before today I had two periods when I had best friends. The strangest thing was that they were both COMPLETE opposites of me. The teachers didn’t like them, they didn’t care about their studies, they liked to be rude and rude to everyone, etc., but despite all this, they loved me dearly, they always brought me gifts, albeit small ones, but I was incredibly pleased. But... My first best friend, when we were already in the fifth grade, we began to communicate less, because I foolishly told her that she should be friends only with me. I was very strict about the number of best friends. I think that best friend there should be only one. Well, she got mad at me. Strongly offended. This happened twice. When we finished the fifth grade, I moved to another school. Although by that time we had reconciled, she (and other classmates, along with class teacher) still did not pay attention to my repeated "bye".
No one was friends with me at the other school. I was a ghost. Nobody saw or heard me. Just imagine: I am standing near the second desk, and a girl is standing right in front of me and rummaging through her briefcase. I clearly ask her: "How much is left until the end of the break?". I asked her repeatedly, but received no answer. But that's not all: completely at the other end of the class (we have a huge class) I hear a quiet question: "Where is Natasha?" The girl in front of me immediately turns around and answers. I was shocked. I was very offended. I wanted to cry... This type of situation was repeated more than once. They continue to this day. And so, in November, a new girl came to us, who, you guessed it, became my number two best friend, and yes, she was mine. complete opposite. She was hated by the teachers, she was hated by all my classmates except me. Very strange. But she adored me. I loved it very much. Every day she brought me some kind of paper application and gave it to me. I adored her too. Everyone looked at us like we were crazy.
But, as always, I was not lucky. At the end of the year, she began to deteriorate, and then she left our school ... During the summer holidays, I called her home and her sister picked up the phone. I asked to give Vika, but she sent me, I apologize for the expression, in the ass.
How disappointed I was... When I moved to the 7th grade, another new girl came to us, whose name was Nina. She also adored me, would not let anyone near me, sometimes even quarreled with others because of me. But again! Luck has turned against me again! I was temporary! I became unnecessary when her best friend transferred to our school! She literally forgot about me... She ignores me just like everyone else...
You see, when I see Nina and her best friend, who are giggling and hugging and having fun together, everything breaks inside me - I want to run away somewhere far away ... Far, far away, from this loneliness, from this cruel world ...
For some reason, it seems to me that they will always throw me, just like that ... Like garbage. Like an unnecessary toy that no one needs ... I also want the way Nina and her best friend ... Trust each other, go to the cinema together or eat, or take a walk ... Do you think there is such a person who accept me for who I am?
