Greetings, dear readers! Today I decided to publish an article on how to respond to the criticism that each of us faces almost daily. Sometimes it seems that criticism is the most the right way achieve the desired result from specific person. But why, when we are criticized, do we cease to consider such a method as correct and feel offended?

Do you agree that praise and encouragement are more inspiring to great deeds? But life is arranged in such a way that people in the world are completely different. Sometimes tactless, too straightforward, even shameless. Everyday life forces you to be in communication with others, to find mutual language, to get a job, . How to learn to resist comments addressed to you, especially unfair ones?

To begin with, let's denote that criticism happens:

• Constructive. Example: "You are a bit slow at work, try to be faster and don't worry, it will help us all a lot." As you can see, such criticism is loyal, in principle it does not offend, and you can focus on working further.
• Destructive. Example: “You are in this dress, well, just a cow, and your crooked legs do not cover and fit like a sausage.” This criticism is aggressive and offensive because it concerns appearance.

How to respond to criticism correctly?

Remember that criticism is often a manipulative weapon. He seeks not only to use a person, but also to humiliate in every possible way, transfer the blame, mistakes to another. What to do in such cases? How to learn to listen to criticism calmly and not feel flawed?

1. Learn self-control. There is no point in defending and making excuses if the boss acts as a manipulator. one exercise will help. Take 20 minutes a day to just sit and do nothing. Pay close attention to what is around you. Think about sensations: emotional, spiritual, mental. The goal pursued is this - you learn not to pay attention to trifles and trifles, but focus on the main thing.
2. Learn to abstract (that is, mentally distracted). Recall as accurately as possible the remark that hurt you the most. Listen to how your body reacts to this memory. Mentally direct the air flow to the place where the reaction in the body most of all occurred. When the tension subsides, remember some unpleasant episode from the movie or the lives of strangers, pay attention to their gestures and facial expressions. The point is to learn how to quickly change the focus of your perception.
3. Learn to recognize the real meaning of remarks. For example, the management at work screams and accuses you of letting the whole team down because of poor progress. This is nothing more than an attempt to shift responsibility. It is useless to argue that you were additionally loaded with other responsibilities, and clients constantly made some changes and additions to the project. What should be answered? Laconically: “Everything is going according to plan”, “Yes, there is not much time left, but it is important that the work is not only done quickly, but also with high quality”, “I am ready to show what has been done right now.” If the boss decided to make you a victim, then most likely you will not receive an answer to any of the above proposals. Then you can continue to work without looking back.
4. Don't answer harshness for harshness. If, for example, a client is not satisfied with the work and speaks to you in the style of “Who taught you and where?”, “Your hands are not with right place grow”, then it is worth letting him let off steam. Although, of course, such words are very offensive. It is all the more unpleasant to hear such a thing from a completely stranger. Offer to redo or refund. Better incur material losses than believing in yourself.
5. Don't make excuses. Never. Sometimes behind criticisms there is a desire to attract attention or just a whim. How to react? Ask directly: "What can I do for you, what do you want?" And refine until you get a clear answer.
6. Benefit for yourself. If you are criticized by a colleague at work, lower in position, then why eat your nerves in vain. Let him first grow up to your place, then speak out. And if the person above criticizes, then know one thing - you are moving into the right direction and get close to his level.
7. Learn to sort statements. It often happens like this. Some person from your circle does not miss the opportunity to make a remark to you. Analyze for what most often. Most likely, a person finds qualities in you that he does not accept in himself. He cannot change them, but through you he criticizes himself.
8. We remove emotions. Turn statements into text on paper and mentally read it. There will be no gestures, voices, emotions. In the text, it is not clear to you whether they are shouting at you. Highly good way, I consider.
9. Thanks for the criticism. If you say once that it was for you important opinion, then next time no one else can catch on.
10. Do not react to criticism on the Internet. It's so easy to sit at a computer on the other side of the world under an assumed name and insult a person, to assert oneself at someone else's expense, obviously realizing that you will never meet in real life. I urge you never to respond to this. It's impossible to please everyone.
11. Most complex method is to recognize someone else's constructive criticism as fair. It requires character, will, strength. Do not miss the opportunity, if this is true, to admit the irrationality of your act or something else.

Who overreacts to criticism?

Painfully perceive it:

• perfectionists who like to do everything at the highest level;
• people with the “excellent student syndrome”, who believe that they are always and everywhere the best and first;
• insecure individuals who consider themselves unworthy of something good and live in thoughts.

Experience shows that most people have no idea how best to respond to criticism. Or, they do it the wrong way. Right - it is, first of all, worthy, without offending and without causing conflict.

Fair criticism or not, but she still endures negative evaluation our actions, making us feel not the most better feelings. In any case, criticism is such a litmus test for itself, revealing problems inside.

Friends, thank you for reading to the end. Leave your comment, please write if you react sharply to criticism. Bye everyone!

"I'm sorry, but this color doesn't suit you at all." “Is it possible to listen to your advice?! You're always talking nonsense!" “And what did he find in her ...” “C grade work” It so happened that in our society they are used to turning more attention to negative than positive sides personality - it is much easier to notice the shortcomings of others than pleasant qualities or happy opportunities.

No one likes criticism, no matter how delicate it may sound. Development social networks and the phenomenon of trolling only exacerbated the situation - it became much easier to express your “phi” or arrange a real persecution on the Web.

No matter how much we convince you of the opposite, everyone knows perfectly well that any comments - regarding appearance, work, behavior and even culinary abilities - are reflected in our emotional health and self-esteem. So why not learn how to properly rebuff the ubiquitous critics? This will help maintain self-confidence and prove that you are not fooled by a provocation, able to do correct conclusions and you can confidently move forward. No resentment, complexes or disappointments.

What can not be done if you are criticized?

1. Completely deny, avoid, or ignore the other person's comment. In other words, pretending nothing happened or "change the subject." Silencing a situation usually guarantees even more unresolved issues in the future, the risk of returning to the same closed topic» later and accumulation negative emotions.

2. The most common reaction to criticism is not just resentment, but a rather aggressive response. What, by objective reasons not the best tactic.

3. Another form of rejection of other people's criticism is making excuses about what happened. Most often, this is even more annoying - the other person decides: you ignore his point of view, not attaching importance to it, or deliberately do not want to ask for forgiveness.

How to respond to criticism?

#one. The easiest way to find out what a harsh or caustic critic meant is to ask him about it. Feel free to ask questions! What exactly do you not like? Why do you think I shouldn't do this? Did what I said offend you? Why do you say that? Thus you will have best performance about the complaints and causes of dissatisfaction of the other. It often turns out that criticism hides strong feelings and resentment, but the remark itself is not final goal, and in fact a person is worried about something else. For example, someone might be irritated not by the fact that you showed up ten minutes late, but by the feeling that you don't take them seriously.

#2. Drop all emotions and think - is there at least some truth in the criticism against you? Maybe it's quite constructive comments? It's hard to accept that you're doing something wrong or that your lifestyle isn't the best... But it's important step to overcome the situation. Feel the difference: were the words spoken just to hurt you? Or can some benefit be derived from them? Perhaps you are really dressed or behaving inappropriately for the situation or status, and with your remark the other person did a great favor, and you got the opportunity to become better.

#3. Learn to accept the other person's opinion even if you don't share it. Even if you do not change your behavior, because you do not agree with the criticism, but at least acknowledge that there is a different, acceptable opinion, and avoid attack.

#four. If you understand that there is some truth in the remarks, and criticism hears attention - work on yourself. For example: "You're right, I'm regularly very late, it looks like it's time to set two alarms so as not to oversleep."

#5. Don't be afraid to tell the truth and set boundaries. Feel free to talk about your feelings - it’s unpleasant for you to hear comments addressed to you, explain what exactly hurt you and upset you. In this way, you will protect yourself from taunts in the future and indicate which communication you consider unacceptable.

#6. Criticism as a source of information about a person. Or there is no evil without good. Remind yourself simple truth- remarks addressed to others more often say more about the commentator than about the person who has been criticized. Use the review as a source of information about who gave it. Keep calm and you will learn a lot about a person. Note that the one who is used to upsetting others, rather than encouraging or supporting, is in himself an unhappy person. Do not take his words to heart.

Deconstructive criticism

We have to admit that very often criticism sounds incorrect, and an angry “accuser” resorts to humiliation, insults and uses words that exaggerate and distort reality. In these cases, one can accept a grain of truth, but disagree with inflated facts. For example: “You forgot to pick up the package. You always ruin everything!" “It’s true that I forgot it, but there are many things that I do very well!” Thus, you admit to a misconduct, but you do not underestimate self-esteem.

Especially a lot of criticism falls on those who do not act the way society is used to seeing. If you have some innovative thoughts and solutions, then be prepared for the fact that society will begin to condemn you, criticize, try to "restrain" and direct you in the right direction. Someone begins to respond to criticism with aggression, someone simply ignores. But both of them are doing the wrong thing. You need to be able to use criticism, because it is a free source of knowledge and an opportunity to correct yourself.
Large companies launching some new project even get paid for criticism. Special focus groups are hired, the purpose of which is to evaluate, criticize certain aspects, point out the minuses and shortcomings. Imagine that you get all this for free. Believe me, criticism is great, it's good, it's necessary for you to grow as a person, as a businessman, as a person.

Today we will give 7 tips, tell you how to respond to criticism, how to get the most out of what you hear from others. If you carefully read each advice and learn how to use them in life, then believe me, after a while you will notice dramatic changes.

1. What can I learn?
If criticism comes in your direction, then first of all ask yourself the question: “What can I learn? What can I take away from these words? As a rule, there is a rational grain in criticism. On the empty place a person will not blame you for something, will not criticize just like that. So he sees something that you are not able to see.
Of course, very often our ego kicks, it is difficult for him to accept criticism. We think: “What does he know, why is he picking on me? I'm fine as it is." But if there is a “bell”, then not everything is so good. Of course, 90% of the criticism is unfounded, and is based only on subjective assessment person. But, as mentioned above, there is a rational grain in it. And if you have already received criticism in your direction, then try to calmly accept it, analyze it, and think about it. Or perhaps a person pointed out a flaw, correcting which you will become many times better.

2. Distinguish remarks from the critical tone
Many may say: “Yes, what lessons can I learn if they shout at me, criticize me, make some unfounded conclusions.” But it often happens that we do not see valuable remarks behind the raised tone.
When a person starts screaming, criticizing, accusing, we become defensive, and all his words automatically seem false and are aimed at our humiliation. Again, not everything is as bad as you imagine. Be able to isolate remarks from shouts. At first it will not be easy to do, but after that try to analyze everything.
How do I. Even if there is a skirmish, a person shouts something, reproaches, criticizes, then I accept everything. You won’t be able to analyze anything on emotions, but after a couple of hours, when you calm down and step back a little, then it’s time to start assessing. Sit down, remember everything that you were told, without judgment and unnecessary speculation, try to analyze all the criticism. Be honest with yourself and don't get defensive. That's when you'll be able to pick out useful remarks from the thousands of words spoken.

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3. Appreciate criticism
Usually we only appreciate good words. If people praise us, we are satisfied, we answer them the same, we appreciate such words, because we consider it right. And we respond to criticism with negativity, aggression, because we think that this is unfounded and does not apply to us at all.
But what if I tell you that you need to do something completely different. Praise is good, but you do not need to appreciate it, pay much attention to flattery. Criticism - that's the undisguised, harsh, cold truth. If a person criticizes you, then you do not need to stand in a pose and try to give him even more criticism in response. It is better to perceive such a person as a teacher, as a mentor who, for free, points out to you what needs to be corrected, what to pay attention to, what to work on.
If you want to develop, grow, achieve your goals, then you need to learn how to accept constructive criticism, draw conclusions from it. Say thanks to those people who criticize you constructively, be grateful for their appreciation and irreplaceable life lesson.

4. Don't take it personally
One of the biggest problems with criticism is that people take things personally. If I say that I didn't like Apple pie that my mother cooked, this does not mean that I criticize her, her abilities, her ability to cook. Just in this moment I did not like him. Maybe the whole family will be delighted, but I'm not. Well, I'm a person, and I also have the right to personal opinion. Of course, you can tell mom what exactly I didn’t like, and it will be constructive criticism based on personal judgment about the pie.
That's how most people are. When they are criticized, they talk about only one aspect of their life, then they identify with all their I. But if I say that you are proud or envious, this does not mean at all that you are always like that, and that pride and envy are yours. true me. These are just emotions that will pass, with which you need to work. And you are something much more than some temporary negative traits character.

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5. Ignore False Criticism
It happens that we are criticized, well, how to put it right, just like that, without thoroughly, just to pin up or offend. This kind of criticism is very hurtful. But, in fact, it is much easier to work with it than with a reasonable one. The only thing you need to learn is not to pay attention to such criticism. Just ignore her, take such words with a smile, understand that they have nothing to do with you.
False criticism is like a Pekingese that rushes at a sheepdog and immediately runs away behind the mistress's back. What does a shepherd do? That's right, she sits in a disciplined manner and does not even pay attention to the little pug.
The more you answer unfounded criticism, the more you defend yourself and try to shield yourself, the more problems it will bring. Do not feed the critic, do not give him a reason to establish himself in the correctness of his words and thoughts. Silence, ignorance, and a slight smile - that's your reaction to stupid criticism.

6. Don't answer right away
As a rule, criticism, justified or not, makes us feel hurt and angry. We stop thinking soberly, emotions take over, which just go off scale. If you answer the “offender” in this state, then you will only aggravate the situation. Have you ever said something stupid on emotions, and then regretted what was said. I'm sure many have had similar situations. Therefore, before doing something about which you will reproach yourself in an hour, think about whether it is necessary. It is better to listen to everything quietly and calmly, overcome the volcano inside yourself, calm down your emotions, and after a while analyze everything that has been said, your thoughts on this matter, and most importantly, emotions. Why do they arise, what hurts you? It is very important to look for the source of your negative emotions and work on it.

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7. Smile
A smile, without sarcasm and ridicule, helps in many ways. difficult situations. When we see that a person smiles, that he radiates positivity and good mood, then we ourselves begin to tune in to a similar wave. Therefore, if your interlocutor has entered into courage, screams and criticizes you, then just smile, speak evenly, calmly, in low tones. This will reduce the fuse of the interlocutor, transfer the conversation to a calmer channel.

How to respond to criticism in your address? Let's be honest - despite the fact that we have long been told about the importance of criticism for personal growth, few of us like to be criticized.

And the point here is not only that we are all selfish and morally immature people, unable to accept with gratitude the one who took the time to point out our shortcomings to us and thereby give us the opportunity to improve.

The point is also that not all criticism is constructive, some critics are simply engaged in manipulation or are trying in this way to show their power over us.

Not to mention the fact that criticism is always the result of a subjective perception of the situation and our actions by another person, this perception is worthy of attention, but it is not necessarily the ultimate truth.

In other words, the correct strategies for dealing with a situation where someone criticizes you are somewhere between Buddhist acceptance of everything and everyone and its opposite, fierce denial.

how to respond to criticism?

For the first time, he spoke about the importance of responding to criticism correctly American psychologist and Chief Editor Charisma magazine Jamie Buckingham, who published the book “Coping with criticism” back in 1986. Dr. Buckingham advised to abandon the aggressive defense and take any criticism in his address with love and a sense of humor.

Since then, many psychologists have worked on this topic, and most of them agree on one thing: constructive criticism is one of the most powerful catalysts for development (personal, professional, social, any), and it makes sense to learn how to use this catalyst correctly.

The rejection of criticism and a painful reaction to it is due to the fact that for most of us the approval of other people is important, this is how society works, psychologists explain. Recognition by others of our merits is a substitute for love, which we all need so much, and that is why criticism is painful for us, because criticism is the opposite of the approval we seek.

“Once you realize that you do not have to seek recognition from your boss, colleagues or acquaintances, you will be able to respond to criticism from them much more calmly. And even learn from it things that are useful for yourself,” says James Clear, author of “Haters and critics: how to deal with people judging you and your work”

How exactly do you take advantage of the situation when someone criticizes your actions, your work, or even the very fact of your existence?

turn criticism into discussion with an open question

If your interlocutor uses criticism as a tool of manipulation, then your reciprocal aggression is exactly what he wants. If your interlocutor thus shows his power over you, then a deaf unconscious woman and attempts to justify himself are a sign that he succeeds. If your interlocutor is a constructive person, and really wants to draw your attention to things that are important for your development, then your response attack will deprive you of the opportunity to learn something new. All three options are the same.

James Clear advises to do deep breath and knock the weapon out of the hands of the critic with an open response: “Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. What should be done to avoid these mistakes?

An open-ended question moves you from the position of being criticized to the position of the person who moderates the discussion and controls its development. Even if you absolutely do not agree with the criticism addressed to you, give the interlocutor the opportunity to speak, and only then decide whether the information received is useful to you or not.

avoid conflictogens “I KNOW WITHOUT YOU”, “THIS IS NOT SO”, “FALSE”, ETC.

If you already hear criticism addressed to you, then most likely you do not know something. It is clear that criticism is always perceived as an attack, and we subconsciously defend ourselves with such phrases, but these phrases, unfortunately, turn a potentially constructive conversation into a conflict.

“I see”, “understandable”, “interesting”, “so-so” (without irony): these words and phrases show that you have enough self-confidence to listen to criticism calmly.

DON'T UNLEASH YOUR PARANOIA

Of course, criticism spoils our mood. We feel like the whole world is against us. Or that the critic hates us, wants to sit us down, or just a villain who likes to annoy us (and this also happens, but very rarely).

Remember yourself when you criticize someone - is there hatred for the criticized behind this? No, no, you just see some shortcomings / errors from the outside and report them, most often out of good intentions.

Moreover, you probably almost immediately forget about this incident, since your life is filled with other things, and not at all with hatred for the object of criticism and the desire to kill him from the light. In the case when you become the object of criticism, everything happens in much the same way - think about the fact that people rarely criticize those who are completely indifferent to them, and do not give your paranoia a chance to get the better of you.

NEVER SORRY

Well, unless the situation really requires you to apologize, which you completely agree with (for example, if you hurt someone's feelings). In all other cases, remember that any criticism is subjective, and it does not always make sense to immediately accept the point of view of the critic.

"Thanks, I'll take it into account" is polite way let the interlocutor understand that his opinion has been heard, and at the same time reserve the right to independently decide whether this opinion is useful or not.

DON'T LET THE CRITICISM IN YOURSELF

The harshest critics are not the people around us, but ourselves. A conversation with a critical boss lasts 15 minutes, our internal monologue can then last for weeks. And our inner critic is often much less polite than the external critic, we know how to apply ourselves in a way that rarely anyone decides from the outside - “fool!”, “It’s your own fault!”, “Now everyone around knows that you are stupid!” and so on.

Don't let criticism in, James writes. No one is perfect and there is not a single person on this planet who has not been criticized at least once in his life. No one!

Instead of muttering self-deprecating monologues, just run the entire conversation in your head once and decide what you can get out of it for yourself (for a career, for personal development, to understand the situation, for your relationship, etc.)

After this exercise is done and the criticism has been processed by you into an experience, turn the page and move on without getting stuck in useless reflection, the psychologist advises.

Ultimately, the most correct strategy for dealing with a situation where you are being criticized is to treat the critic as a potential source of information that is useful to you, while not allowing yourself to be humiliated and not accepting unconditionally everything that he tells you. “Okay, I heard, I understood, I will take into account, thank you,” constructive strategy in five words.

A huge number of people cannot, simply are not able to adequately respond to even the most constructive and friendly criticism. Why?

Yes, because every time they hurt a lot. That is, they realized that it makes sense to flush some criticism down the toilet instead of wasting their nerves on it, and this made life easier for them. But what to do with the right criticism? Especially if it's important to you. What to do if you need Feedback, but even from accurate and soft remarks, you are crooked worse than sciatica, and you completely lose motivation and, in general, the will to live?

I decided to write a manual on how to take criticism if you have big problems with it.

In the manual, I plan to consider why criticism can hurt you a lot, and what are the solutions. I'll tell you how to deal with your reaction. I will give you “tools” that will allow you to hear comments that are useful to you without deep emotional wounds, and also create a base for the future. These tools exist, and I will try to help you master them.

I will also try to help, no matter how strange it may sound, and those who criticize (I mean not “critics”, but those who really have to correct something with other people). Critics can see the main problem points where their statement is perceived as painful and may find ways to say better. There are always such ways, and if you have a "map possible problems”, building phrases becomes easier.

Rather, let's get started.

As usual, there are a couple of inputs:

1. You need to understand that the painful perception of criticism is only the tip of the iceberg, the surface part of which bigger problem. Those personality traits that cause such hypersensitivity usually ruin your life in a much wider range of situations. Almost daily, in fact. You know this better than me. Therefore, it is very important to understand this underwater part (it doesn’t matter if it’s your own, a partner, a subordinate, or a friend) and be able to handle it. This can help you in a lot of ways.

Criticism hurts only when it hits an already existing wound. Remember it

2. Criticism hurts only when it hits an already existing wound. Remember this. If criticism hits a healthy place (even many times!), nothing bad happens. Therefore, even the most highly sensitive and vulnerable people can perfectly withstand criticism in some specific topics and areas.

My favorite question to illustrate: Would you be offended if an alien with blue hair and knees back criticized your hair color and the way your joints were made? And the favorite answer is: "Uh, hardly."

So there is only an overreaction to criticism that touches on something that has already been baked. For example, once wounded by other significant people, or post-traumatic, or “teared open” independently ... And, therefore, the stability of each individual person to criticism is determined, among other things, by the number of already existing sore spots and open “wounds” (see the list below). The more of them, the more difficult it is for you. Again, this is important to remember.

Theory

There are many reasons for the painful attitude to criticism. Below I will list the ones that seem to me the main ones. They can occur both individually and in pairs, triplets and whole clusters. They can also be symptoms of each other or form the core of the personality. That is, all these points are not mutually exclusive things, but rather elements of a voluminous, complex, fluid puzzle. If you've found one or two, there's a good chance you can handle it on your own. If there are four or five at once and they really interfere with your life, then psychotherapy may be required.

What are these reasons?

1. Inner critic

He is also a tough Superego. Very strong and most of a person who, being overdeveloped, is engaged not in accurate self-regulation, but in self-eating. I won’t repeat myself - I’d rather give a link to the article “The Inner Critic. Cookbook of self-eating". There, about this beast, it is also written on the same manual in terms of volume, and there is even a test.

How it works?

Criticism that comes from outside resonates (of course) with the darkest expectations and thoughts of the Inner Critic, and not just resonates, but is interpreted as negatively as possible, amplified many times over and brought to the point of absurdity - with the help of far-reaching conclusions, self-abasement and depreciation.

Very simple: “I knew that I was an idiot and could never do anything normally.” Of course, it is very difficult to live with such a result. Therefore, any, even the friendliest, criticism responds extremely painfully - because the degree of friendliness and usefulness is absolutely not important to the Inner Critic, he does not take this parameter (like any other real parameter) into account. He needs to confirm his bad point of view about himself, again and again, again and again.

2. Psychological trauma

In the very general view, trauma is something experienced by a person of such strength that he was not able to cope and received significant damage (often irreversible). Those who have been or are undergoing psychotherapy are usually aware of their traumas. But even if you don't have this therapeutic diagnosis, post-trauma (a post-traumatic state) may nonetheless be present. It, alas, can influence your perception of criticism and not only it. Modern research prove that in people who have experienced trauma, the neurochemical processes in the brain as a whole change quite strongly.

How it works?

Trauma leaves a person with very little resource, because most of it has gone (and, perhaps, still goes) to survive in conditions new reality, the one with damage. That part of the psyche, which is “I”, becomes very fragile, or ceases to develop properly (what kind of development, when it’s not easy to breathe). The fragile and unresourced "I" is not enough to process incoming negative signals, and they again cause damage. Sometimes comparable in size to the original injury.

Danger, danger, danger! You're a victim again, you're being destroyed. Fight, freeze or run, otherwise it will be like then again, and you already know too well how it all can end. Therefore, you need to either prevent damage at all costs, or dutifully lie down and wait it out until the moment when you can begin to recover. In general, "do not scare ostriches - the floor is concrete."

3. Narcissism

No, not that image of falling in love with oneself and extreme egocentrism, replicated in art. A little more difficult. It is now believed that every person has a narcissistic part, and its function is to maintain self-esteem. certain ways. These methods are mainly based on external confirmation of the inner "I". People with a strongly pronounced narcissistic radical do not feel any intelligible “I” in themselves at all, much less a good one, therefore they entirely make it up from reflections in the eyes of others.

How it works?

It is logical: any threat to external confirmation is automatically a threat to the internal good "I". That is, criticism is not just someone's negative opinion, no, no. AT this case she is in fact corrodes you because you feel defective, insufficient, you feel that something irreparable is on display. You know, in general it is very difficult to live when thoughts and feelings are not just thoughts and feelings, but real reality (this is one of the possible failures in the ability to mentalize, by the way).

What message are you reading from criticism?

What you hear/see is not a set of points, but a big, thick indication of your inferiority (perfectly real, according to your narcissistic part). Any criticism means that you have failed, which means you are worthless, unworthy, and so on and so forth. Usually at this stage, shame is connected (the core feeling in narcissism - narcissism feeds on the illusion of the absence of failures, and thus avoids this terrible shame).

4. Volatile/Low Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is how we evaluate and perceive ourselves (your Cap). It is believed that normal self-esteem (average or slightly higher) is the presence of a stable concept "I am good / th", well, or more simply - "it's good that I am." Several conclusions follow from this, in the context of criticism, this one is important: "Most of what I do is more or less good." Such an installation should normally be strong enough, then even harsh criticism it will not break and will not bend.

How it works?

With low / unstable self-esteem, criticism lowers you even lower. And you, due to the fact that you are already so tired of being down all the time, you simply cannot bear situations when self-esteem decreases even more, they are catastrophic for you, because you cannot straighten up back.

What message do you read from the critique?

"Well, everything." Criticism in this case is a harbinger and a symptom of a sharp decline in self-esteem, a sign of your inconsistency with your own ideals and values. Incidentally, this is also related to the fact that people with low self-esteem tend to avoid recognizing their own role and responsibility in any problems and troubles in life - both their own and not their own. The same way of interpreting: recognized / a = lost / a self-respect and hope that someday I will become the person of my dreams.

5. Insecurity/Vulnerability

Oh, you can easily write a separate article about vulnerability. I'll try briefly: it feels like you've been skinned and you have nothing else to cover your sensitive insides. Most interactions with people hurt you so much that you involuntarily scream and jump back. It is clear that at the level of the psyche, this means that it is extremely easy to offend, upset, upset and hurt you, even without the slightest intention. You just have "mines" everywhere. Some you don't even know about until they explode.

How it works?

Any phrase (it may not be criticism at all) is perceived as a finger poke into an open wound, as a deliberate or unintentional (but no less painful) attack with the result in the form of something offensive and touching. Always offensive and always hurtful, regardless of the initial message. Occasionally it can be understood that people are not from evil, but more often - no. After all, they can’t help but see that you don’t have skin?!

What message do you read from the critique?

"Aaah, it hurts! Why did you hurt me so much?" In most cases, this is followed by a violent reaction directed at the "offender" who feels almost like an abuser. Considering the background in the form of flayed skin, I think this reaction is quite natural. The only pity is that understanding and the ability to breathe and go further from this does not increase.

6 Imposter Syndrome

Enough well-known phenomenon, the essence of which is as follows: achievements, results and, in general, the whole situation are felt by you as undeserved, inherited not thanks to your personal efforts and work, but fallen on you only because of crazy luck or random coincidences. I mean, you didn't do anything at all. The impostor syndrome is constantly accompanied by anxiety and fear - what if they expose it? After all, they will inevitably expose, right?

How it works?

Criticism is a very clear indication that "the boy just found a helmet" (from the point of view of your inner impostor). Of course, others will immediately see this and expose the naked king. Therefore, criticism makes you shrink in horror and hate any remarks, even correct ones.

What message do you read from the critique?

"Now they will understand everything ... Right now ... Right now ... Well, not now, then next time." It's very scary to live like this - in constant anxiety and in the inability to appropriate what they have achieved. Not surprisingly, criticism is interpreted in only one direction - the one that is truly important.

7. Perfectionism

Also material for a separate article called "Wishing Point". Someday I will write. In the meantime, let's be brief: Perfectionists completely lack the feeling that they are good enough. And they actually spend their lives chasing this feeling, not knowing what they are looking for and why they need it. The ways that perfectionists use to find that feeling are mostly about reaching the ideal. There is an illusion that if it is achieved, it will be good enough (in fact, no).

How it works?

Criticism directly points out to the perfectionist that he is not ideal, and the illusion that it is possible to reach the “good enough” point crumbles like a house of cards. It is very painful, because it is, in fact, impossible to live without at least such a poor illusion. Therefore, criticism is unbearable for a perfectionist (although at the same time he constantly torments himself with it, such a paradox).

What message do you read from the critique?

“Oh my god, mistake! I am imperfect." (Atheists can replace the first part with something equivalent in emotionality). Mistakes, according to the perfectionist, should not be at all, however, as well as imperfections. And if they do exist, then this is nothing more than a sign bad work above oneself. Notice the difference between narcissism and impostor syndrome? There the focus was outside - "everyone will see", but here he is on himself. It doesn’t matter who sees what, what matters is that I myself already know about my imperfection, and this is painful.

Not tired? Here's a picture about perfectionism for you to unload:

8. Inability to endure someone else's discomfort

There are people from whom everyone is comfortable. Convenient people. My colleague Polina Gaverdovskaya calls them invisible. These people were brought up by their parents in such a way that, if possible, there would be no discomfort from them. More often than not, this means they had to give up on themselves early. Almost completely - from their needs, feelings, desires and plans. So that no one accidentally crosses the road. And that will be atatat.

How it works?

Any criticism means, oh horror, that someone is dissatisfied with you, which means that someone has discomfort or even problems from you! And this cannot be allowed, it is very scary. From the realization that you, wittingly or unwittingly, caused someone inconvenience, you can become literally physically ill.

What message do you read from the critique?

“Oh-oh-oh, guard, it’s unpleasant for someone and it’s because of me! He didn’t please, he ruined everything, now the person is suffering.” That is, the usual focus here is on the other, on his stability and well-being, on taking care of his comfort, and not at all on himself. Feeling like the cause and source of someone else's discomfort is incredibly difficult for such people, so they take criticism very hard.

9. Paranoia

I don't mean psychiatric diagnosis here, but rather personality trait or inclination, habit. Have you noticed that there are people who easily take on faith various theories conspiracy and someone else's malice? It doesn't matter if there is something in the basis or not - it fits perfectly into their perception of the world. Well, that's what paranoid is. Its main motto could be made the phrase "Everything for a reason."

How it works?

A paranoid person perceives any criticism as an intent and a desire to hurt him, and it is this intent that hurts / angers him, and not only and not so much the content of the critical remark. Agree, it is not easy to live surrounded by enemies, and it is not surprising to react to their regular attacks very painfully.

What message do you read from the critique?

“So you slept, and I knew that nothing good could be expected from you.” The focus here is also external, as in several previous paragraphs, and there is also no reliance on reality. But there is a certain certainty that everyone wants only bad things for you, and whoever doesn’t want to, hides it, well, or it’s only temporary.

10. Depression / subdepression

This may be an official diagnosis, or maybe just a certain period in life or a personal inclination (yes, it happens). In any case, the essence is the same: everything is bad, it was bad and will be bad. Unlike narcissism and the impostor syndrome, here the sense of self is very real, it's just that the self is irreparably bad, and there is no hope or motivation to change it.

How it works?

A critical remark reinforces the depressive background, confirms that, yes, there is nothing good in again Did not happen. As a rule, depression works in such a way that you still don’t have the energy to correct it, so any criticism hangs like a heavy stone around your neck without the possibility of using it for good (even if it is presented as it should and in fact there is such a possibility). Remember Eeyore the donkey? " Good morning, Piglet ... which I personally doubt.

What message do you read from the critique?

"Everything is ashes." The focus in this case is on a general painful background and inability to enjoy life (the so-called Anaesthesia dolorosa, "painful insensitivity"), and criticism is only an additional needle. In general, it may not even be heard in terms of content.

11. Personal history

The point partially intersects with trauma. The point here is this: if you have already had to suffer from critics in your life (as a rule, parents, teachers, former partners relationships and more significant people), then any criticism that is somewhat reminiscent of that one - in content, form, or in any other way - will be perceived by you incredibly painfully. There are many examples, they have in common that it is enough to touch on a specific topic or build a phrase in a certain way to make you bristle.

How it works?

Here the focus is on the fact of criticism around a particular topic or concrete way. It hurts in itself, because you already have a big callus in this place. And, of course, you absolutely cannot see in such criticism positive aspects, even if they are - the callus blocks them.

What message do you read from the critique?

“Yyy, again I (something mine) does not suit someone, well, as much as possible.” In general, the reciprocal feeling is very close to despair and impotence, and that is why it hurts so much. You, as a rule, have already learned from the past that you cannot cope with this, and current situation works as an anchor for you, an instant portal to those memories.

Read about how to respond to criticism in the next column by Ekaterina Sigitova. Stay tuned for updates .

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