"We immediately liked each other"
Liza, 16 years old: “We study at the same school and often meet there. And so - I come to them every week, or we just go somewhere together, with dad and mom. I used to see Sonya at school, but we didn't know each other. And then we met and immediately liked each other. We are very good friends and often see each other after school or call each other to talk. I also have a brother and a sister on my father's side and a brother on my mother's side with whom I live. We are all very friendly, both parents and children.
Sonya, 13 years old: “We have a very a good relationship close, rather like sisters. From the first day we met, we immediately became friends. Liza and I talk about everything: about books, about mutual acquaintances, about everything that comes to mind. Very often Lisa stays with us to spend the night. Once we were left alone with her, my parents stayed at a party, and we began to watch a thriller. It was very scary and great!”
Sonya, 13 years old "Lisa is my closest friend"
Liza, 16 years old “We have a lot of fun together, with Sonya I can talk about everything”
“I tell everyone that Rita is my sister, although in fact she is the daughter of my father's new wife. At first, I didn’t really like that she now lives with us, but then I got used to it,” says 6-year-old Yulia about her 8-year-old half-sister. “Consolidated” are those who are not related by blood ties, but as a result of a new marriage of parents, they become part of the same family. At first, they may experience conflicting feelings for each other: new circumstances overturn everything that until now seemed unshakable. And the task of adults is to help children cope with the new life situation, contribute to the emergence between them of a real kinship, relations of warmth and mutual support.
Create Relationships
Is it possible real friendship between stepbrothers and sisters? “It occurs only if children spend a lot of time together,” says child psychologist Elena Moskaleva. - How more events and personal stories unites them, the smaller the difference in age, the more fraternal, trusting relationship established between them.
Relationships can be trusting, friendly. But also neutral, competitive and avoidant too. Of course, they change over time and are not always mutual. Be that as it may, for every child, the restructuring of the family is difficult process leading to new emotional connections.
Pin Roles
What kind of relationship will develop between children depends largely on their interests, on the attention of parents to them, as well as on family history every child. The place that the child will take in the new family hierarchy is important: the eldest can suddenly become the middle or the youngest, and vice versa, which often provokes conflict and resentment. As an older sister, 8-year-old Lena always defended the younger Yegor. But when their mother remarried, the stepfather's daughter, 13-year-old Larisa, appeared in the family. So Lena was overthrown from her throne. “Quarrels between girls happened more and more often,” recalls Lena's mother, 47-year-old Natalia. - At some point, I realized that I should secure the role of the older sister of her brother for my daughter. The clear demarcation of territories allowed all of us to breathe a sigh of relief.”
“At 4-5 years old, children get used to new role, - says Elena Moskaleva. - But for junior schoolchildren and adolescents, changing status often proves to be a serious test. Persistent attempts by a stepfather or stepmother to become a new parent reinforce negative emotions adolescent and can cause him to actively reject the new family member. Therefore, adults should start building relationships from a friendly position, and not from subordinating the younger to the older. “This will help children feel trust in the new parent and gradually recognize his authority,” says Elena Moskaleva. “It is important to preserve the value system that operated in the biological family of the child,” adds Anzhela Paramonova, a child psychoanalyst. It helps the child to identify himself. Exactly on family values, as on a foundation, his sense of security rests. And the new family should in no case cross out the old one from his life.
“We are friends, but we can argue”
Mikha, 9 years old: “We knew each other before, we visited each other. Therefore, when they began to live together, in general, everything was normal at once. It even became more convenient. We normally play, most often in board games, in "Munchkin" or Lego. I still play chess, but Misha used to play it before. But we rarely play chess with him. Sometimes we argue about some things. But, in general, we are friends. When people ask me if I have brothers or sisters, I answer that I have two brothers and another cousin.”
Misha, 11 years old: “We are very good friends with Mikha. We play, collect Lego. It’s a little more difficult to communicate with Lesha, but I’m great with Miha. We can tinker all together or think of something else. But we have very little free time. Lots of clubs and activities. If someone offended Mikha, I would, of course, intercede for him. But he is engaged in wrestling, he has an orange belt. So, most likely, he will cope on his own. ”
Deal with jealousy
Competing for the love of their parents, half-siblings stand up for themselves, but at the same time they suffer greatly. Everyone wants to get more love. “The child wages a constant war for the attention of“ his ”parent, and the most heated disputes flare up when comparing the stepfather with the father or the stepmother with the mother,” confirms Elena Moskaleva. “Each of the children believes that his parent is better.” The cause of disagreements between children may be unresolved contradictions between former spouses. “It is easier for children to transfer their internal discord to relations with half-brothers and sisters than to admit that one of the parents is wrong,” says Anzhela Paramonova. - The situation is even more complicated if one of the adults resists too much close friendship your child with new relatives.
Shadow of incest
It happens that friendly relations between “almost brothers and sisters” turn into something more. It is, of course, about love. “I was 16 and Zhenya 18 when our parents got married,” recalls Maria, 30. - Our sympathy very quickly grew into love. When Zhenya told them that we had been dating for a long time, they were shocked.” Eugene and Maria got married, despite the obvious disapproval of their parents.
Most of our experts believe love relationship between stepbrother and sister incest. And they say that the creation of a new couple by parents leads to a ban on love relationships between children from their past marriages, even though there is no biological relationship between them. “Regardless of the age at which children become members of the same family, sexual relations between them are destructive to their personality,” explains Anzhela Paramonova. - Unconscious reasons for such love may be the Oedipus complex, and rivalry with the "new" parent. Jealousy, envy, vindictiveness lead to suffering. Parents should prohibit any manifestation of sexuality between stepchildren.
"Deep love feelings between step-brothers and sisters can only arise when new marriage parents falls on the adolescence of children, - Elena Moskaleva clarifies. - They can no longer recognize a stranger as a brother or sister, for them this is just an acquaintance with a peer. The meeting of children becomes a mirror repetition love meeting parents. And since the most significant adolescence are relationships with the opposite sex, it is extremely easy to fall in love with someone who is nearby. If parents see that love relationships are developing between teenagers, it is necessary to clearly outline the boundaries of what is permitted.
New kids in a new family
birth in new family common child can be a real challenge for older children. The feeling of jealousy of the elder in relation to the younger is complicated here by the feeling of belonging to another, “dark” period in the life of the parents. Envy appears - after all, a baby, unlike them, has both a mother and a father at home. Psychotherapist Marcel Rufo advises parents, both “real” and “not real”, to find time and discuss the new situation with older children, so that it would be easier for them to experience this complex cocktail of emotions, and see positive sides brotherhood. Marcel Rufo "Brothers and sisters, the disease of love" (U-Factoria, 2006).
Time to get used to each other
Do children in a new family have to be friends? “This is another illusion of many parents,” our experts say. Parents need to realize that the creation of a new family is their desire, which does not necessarily coincide with the desire of children. Therefore, adults should clearly state the rule: everyone should respect the other, and the rest - friendship, affection - as it will. The feeling of belonging to a new family always arises gradually. “The behavior of adults determines how comfortable children will be in new circumstances,” emphasizes family therapist Marcel Rufo. - They should unite them, realizing that the desire to get to know each other better can arise only when the children see each other often. New parents should think about how best to organize vacations, trips, meetings that are completely dedicated to children.
But every child needs his own space and one-on-one communication with his own father or mother. Otherwise, he may have a feeling of loss, loneliness and uselessness in a new family. 16-year-old Marina would not exchange for anything in the world the week that she and her mother spend only together during the holidays: “Do not be like this - ours and no one else's! - days, I would be jealous of her and the new husband, and his daughters.
But even outwardly smooth relations continue to be fragile. Children from different marriages appear together, but do not "merge". And conflicts between them can arise at any time. Concerted action by parents and fair treatment of children will help build friendly family and make children closer friend to friend. The experience gained together, common successes, the same level of education - all this strengthens the brotherhood of children with different characters, each of whom lived their own life story before meeting their parents.
My eldest daughter Lyubasha was in the spotlight for 12 years of her life - and only in the thirteenth year did she have a sister, Sasha. 
Of course, jealousy is present, why dissemble. Lyubasha was not mentally prepared for this - simply because it is impossible to mentally prepare, it's only personal experience. And she also has transitional age, the denial of everything that is possible. I do not pedal, of course, I defend only what is needed - school affairs, study.
When Maxim and I got married, Lyuba's father was jealous that she would start calling the new person "dad". Maxim, on the other hand, was worried that he would not become an authority for my daughter, he even tried to educate her at first. While we were just talking, he did not particularly take root, but when we began to live together, he considered that he could already somehow show parental authority - completely, in my opinion, in vain. Of course, children cannot immediately accept another person, because all the same, the child’s heart smolders with the hope that mom and dad will get together - and everyone will live together again, as one family. new man in the life of a mother, this hope is completely killed, the child has a tragedy, and if this person interferes with some of his own rules, everything only gets worse.
I think that new husbands should not withdraw from parenting, but rather they should have a creator role. family traditions- new traditions. To unite everyone, so that everyone has fun and rejoices. How new teams go somewhere on vacation to get to know each other better, make friends - this is called team building. And this same team building is also needed by the new family - and it is best to give all the initiative to the husband. 
While Sasha is very small - she recently turned a year old - she requires maximum of my attention. Therefore, it is clear: now Sasha comes first, then Lyubasha, and then her husband and work. Of course, this offends my husband, but I explain to him that you are an adult, you can cope with this, you must understand this - because it is impossible to explain this to children.
I need to preserve what Lyubasha and I had before, we need to get out somewhere together - not three or four. For example, last time we went to new cartoon Hayao Miyazaki "The Wind Rises" We have loved this director for a long time, Lyubasha was born just when the film "Spirited Away" was released, and since then we have watched all these cartoons together with her. And although the youngest was sick that day, I still decided to leave her for a few hours with a nanny, whom I trust very much, because it is very important to be only with the eldest, go to the cinema, discuss.
In the morning I get up with my eldest daughter and walk her to school. Of course, she can get up on her own, and she goes to school on her own - she is not far from home. But I do this solely because I know that the child needs it: for my mother to cook breakfast, gather food for school, hug, kiss. Even hurry up, slow down while she wakes up - and this is a kind of ritual that has developed over the years. It would be wrong to take all this and end it.
And we also talk a lot: about school, about her friends, relationships at school. This is not gossip, this is discussion. I do not scold her for her grades, I try to explain everything. Before a certain moment I controlled, checked the lessons - especially mathematics, until I realized that Lyubasha's function "I do mathematics myself" completely atrophied, she began to make very stupid mistakes. Now I have more hope for my daughter - that she will cope.
So to everyone who builds new family where children from different marriages grow up, one great advice: be patient. Even after a year or two, the child will not say about your chosen one: “Oh, how cool he is!”. My husband and I both argue and sort things out. Then Lyubasha looks at us and says: "My God, how difficult it is, I'm not sure that I want all this." This lapping has been going on for two years - and it's still going on. 
photo shoot for Antenna magazine
When a young couple legitimizes a relationship, both partners dream that they have a long and happy life. Each of them thinks that they are made for each other, and the child strengthens this bond even more. However, fate always makes its own adjustments, and what seemed impossible to you five years ago has now become your reality. Today, marriages break up with an enviable frequency, and many parents are forced to raise children from different relationships. You will never think of it as a problem until quarrels and scandals become part of your Everyday life. Let's talk about how children from different marriages interact with each other, as well as why others are too curious.
Your new acquaintances will be very curious
This situation may seem strange to some, but it is really common in our society. If you have moved to new house The neighbors will definitely want to get to know you. But as soon as they see three or even four children, they will definitely ask if your kids have one father. Sometimes these questions from strangers baffle you. You can’t understand why other people need this information and how to behave in a similar situation. 
In fact, you are not required to give an account of your personal life to outsiders, even if they are nosy neighbors or classroom teacher in new school. You are under no obligation to disclose the details of your personal life, otherwise get ready for a flurry of advice and warnings for the future. People love to poke their nose into other people's business. But it is better to comprehend the basics of education without the help of outsiders. Learn to ignore the questions of intrusive acquaintances, and then you will be able to save a certain amount of nerve cells. 
Kindred gradation can hurt
No matter how many children you have, each of them was in your womb, each of them is desired and loved. It hurts when you hear terms such as "half-brother" or "half-sister" from the lips of relatives. This state of affairs seems to the mother a form of injustice. Every time the elders sort things out with the younger ones in front of strangers, people will sympathetically ask: “They are half-brothers, right?” At first, these questions can be very annoying. But we dare to assure you that siblings come into conflict with each other just as often. it normal phenomenon in which children learn to interact with each other and negotiate. 
Root Differences
These differences are especially relevant for those families in which several nationalities are mixed at once. Children from different marriages have different ancestors, which means that on genetic level they contain various information about cultural habits. If, having remarried, you moved to another region, be prepared for the fact that older children will face some difficulties that will be reflected in everything: in the behavior of peers, in the new requirements of teachers, in culinary traditions the edges. you are located in the right way if you strive to integrate the cultural habits of both regions within your family. 
The intellectual abilities of children may vary
Genetics plays important role in the formation of the intellectual abilities of children. Your first husband might have been a bookworm, obsessed with history and adventure. He could spend hours with his son and daughter, deciding logical tasks or playing chess. He was quiet, diligent, often lost track of time, and judged his muscular colleagues, whose conversations were limited to the number of kilograms on the bar and protein supplements. you guess character traits first husband in children. You are proud of their academic achievements, perseverance, but are upset that children often get sick. They, like dad, can not stand playing sports.
Your new partner can be a complete antipode to her former husband. He is obsessed with healthy way life, the cult of the body, and the book in his hands is rather an exception to the rule. No wonder that intellectual ability younger children are far from ideal. But they participate in all school competitions and love to help you with the housework. 
The physical development of children will also be different
Do not be surprised if neighbors and new acquaintances pester you so often with questions. They see that your children are too different in build, height, hair color. Even their facial features or characteristic mannerisms can be drastically different. Do not be sad that there is such discord in your family. Science knows many cases when one of the fraternal twins was very tall and powerful, and the other was small and thin. At the same time, their facial features and hair color were different. Despite all external differences, your children are one big close-knit group. And this is entirely your merit! 
Their fathers may have different parenting styles
One of your husbands may be too soft, kind-hearted, denying any methods of punishment, and the other, on the contrary, harsh and strict. One likes to mess with the kids for hours on end. Even now, when you do not live together, he regularly takes the kids for the weekend and devotes all his life to them. free time. It's no wonder the kids are having fun in the house. own father in full. They literally stand on their ears and do not know the word "no". It is very difficult for you when Sunday evening comes. Often you listen to the complaints of the current spouse that your older children are eccentric, ill-mannered and not accustomed to order. You have been through a lot family conflicts and all the time you take the fire on yourself. It is very difficult to navigate between diametrically opposed parenting styles. And if you manage to do this, you can be awarded the title of "mother heroine." 
Their fathers can't stand each other
Every person dreams of finding personal happiness, even if the family boat has been shattered. Your ex does not condemn your desire to remarry. The new spouse is too jealous of your past. They will never become best friends and avoid contact with each other as much as possible. However, this circumstance does not prevent you from hoping for the preservation of neutrality. Of course, there are families where former partners get along well with the current ones and even visit each other in pairs. However, such an idyll is rather an exception to the rule. If this is not your case, stop blindly hoping and counting on the reconciliation of the two sides. Don't have unjustified hopes. You are already entrusted with the difficult mission of being a peacemaker for children. You already manage conflicts between kids on a daily basis. Why do you need another unbearable burden? These two people are completely strangers to each other and are simply hostages of circumstances. Be wise and try to minimize the amount of conflict between fathers. 
Jealousy
Be smart and don't let ex-husband to see the children in your new home. Do not hide phone calls and do not go to a meeting on demand. However, it is possible that jealousy will work in reverse direction. For example, the ego of an ex-spouse can be hurt by the fact that you had two pregnancies with a new partner within a year. After all, before you give birth to children in your first marriage, you "tried" for several years. 
Communication with relatives
And again, we are faced with different habits of the former and current partners. If the parents of the first husband were excluded from meeting with their grandchildren, now you see that everything has changed dramatically. Grandparents are frequent guests in your house, they bring gifts and pamper their grandchildren with attention. Ideally, if older children are not superfluous at this celebration of life. 
Seniors can stand up for their stepfather
If the children from the first marriage will take the side of the stepfather in some matters, consider yourself lucky. So, you managed to rally all family members, regardless of blood relationship. 
You will have more experience with younger children
You always want to think that you are a good mother to older children. But the reality is that young parents have too high requirements for offspring and often make parenting mistakes due to inexperience. Understanding your purpose comes later. Also, younger children have more freedom and are under less pressure. 
Is it necessary to introduce children from different marriages?
Hello. I am writing in the hope of finding some thread in unraveling our problem. So I'm looking forward to the answers.
My husband has a second marriage with me. We have a 4 year old daughter together. My husband has a 7 year old son from his first marriage. Children don't know about each other. Although they are still small, I feel that they should know about each other as early as possible, then they will take it for granted, and it will not be a shock to them. But the ex-wife categorically forbids dedicating her child to these revelations, almost with a threat that she will forbid her father to see him, she is afraid for the psyche. The husband sees his son every weekend, it looks like this - his parents bring the child to their home and they meet there. The father and son have complete mutual understanding, he is an authority for the boy. The ex-wife takes revenge to some extent - her husband left her for me (it happens sometimes in life that people find each other too late) But the children grow up ...
Our friends have a similar situation, but there the child from the first marriage comes to the second family of the father. My husband really wants his situation to be the same. FROM ex-wife he does not communicate, everything is through his mother. And he sees no point in talking with her on this topic - he feels the result in advance.
What do you think, is it necessary for children to know that they have a sister or brother? And when and how to tell them about it, and whether it is necessary to acquaint?
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