Almost every person faces difficulties in choosing. But if some experience such difficulties quite rarely, then others are tormented by a similar dilemma almost constantly. Should I wear a cream or white blouse? Cook soup or soup? Go for an interview or refuse? Why for some people the answers to these questions are obvious, while others delay the solution of the problem for a long time. The reason for this is the inability to independently make a decision.

Roots of Evil

Fear of responsibility stretches from childhood. The crumbs' initiative was suppressed. All decisions were made by the parents. The growing baby is completely unaccustomed to assessing, analyzing the situation, taking responsibility. He is sure that adults will decide everything for him.

People who find it hard to accept independent solutions, in adulthood, tries to solve issues as follows:

1. Call mom. She will surely tell you what to do.
2. Visit to a friend. One head it's good, but two better. Such motivation always spurs people who are afraid of responsibility.
3. Waiting for an external stimulus. If the weather is fine, then this is a signal to go for an interview. In this case, a person shifts responsibility to a variety of external stimuli.

Incorrect choice

The fear of responsibility is very closely related to the habit of constantly criticizing oneself. Surprisingly, any choice that is made will always be the subject of regret and the poison of life. I had to choose another option.

There are simply no wrong decisions! And if a choice was made, therefore, a person must go exactly this path. He gets the lessons, the knowledge he needs.

Failure to refuse

Sometimes the basis of the inability to make a decision is the most elementary greed. A person wants to get everything at once. And choice means giving up something in favor of another. In this case, it is worth remembering children's fairy tales, parables. Greed is always punishable. And the person in the end remains with nothing.

Learning to make decisions

1. Take responsibility. Stop relying on your mother, boss, president, God, who can solve all problems. By transferring the right to your life to someone else, you lose the chance to become free, to realize and perceive reality.
2. Get rid of the fear of failure. Look at what is happening with different eyes. Force yourself to think positively. Failure is a reality only for those who constantly think about it. There are no failures in life! These are lessons. After them you get certain knowledge. How can they be unsuccessful if they gave you a real gift - wisdom.
3. Learn to take risks. This is another way to build self-confidence. To learn this art, start with modeling techniques. Imagine a whole, courageous, strong-willed and determined person. Exactly what you would like to be. When you find yourself in a difficult situation before a choice, ask yourself: what would my fictional character do in this situation? This technique will give positive results very quickly. Soon you will forget about your fictional character and begin to make decisions on your own.

Feel sorry for yourself and love different concepts

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself, how indecisive and unhappy you are. Against! You are very persistent and decisive, always confident in yourself. You just hide it from the world. After all, it's more convenient!

Give up pity, choose love, get rid of the mask of suffering on your face, open your soul and body to new sensations. Remember, in this world, each person is responsible for his own. Accept this, and boldly choose the paths that you like, the people on your path that please you, the thoughts that make you happy.

And now take the most important and responsible decision in your life - easily and confidently make any choice!

Since childhood, we are taught to be responsible. Why do it at all? Why is it so important to be responsible? How difficult is it? Why shackle yourself with obligations and promises? Are freedom and responsibility opposed? Maybe it's better to be free and not morally burdened? What's more important? How to recognize the fear of responsibility? What to do if it appears? Is it worth doing anything at all? We take responsibility to study these questions as deeply as possible and find answers to them.

What is responsibility?

Responsibility is subjective human thinking make commitments and strictly fulfill them. Keyword- "subjective" biological consequences for health from non-compliance with agreements does not exist. That is, if a person even betrays or fails someone, then punishment will not follow. biological nature. For example, the nose will not fall off and the heart will not stop.

But why then do people popularize this quality so much, develop it in themselves and teach others? The reasons for this are hidden in our biosocial nature. You can talk about several levels of responsibility. The deepest responsibility of parents is to their children. The need for procreation sits so firmly in our genes that any mentally normal parent will take care of their offspring to the last. This responsibility is inherent not only to people, but also to most other creatures. She is the key to existence. species without which they would be doomed to extinction.

Next level - moral responsibility, which appeared already under the influence of society. It has no biological prerequisites, but arises under the influence of upbringing. AT this case Responsibility is one of the mechanisms for regulating social relationships. It is customary to single out such types of it as a vocation associated with status, and a duty obtained by agreement. highest level can be considered a debt. Moreover, it carries not always moral, but also legal aspect when it comes to debt. For example, a debt to a creditor. You can talk about duty to the Motherland. On the one hand, it seems to be moral, but on the other hand, try to explain this to the employees of the military registration and enlistment office.

Why is there a fear of responsibility?

There are a number of reasons for fear of responsibility:

• Not understanding why this is needed;
• Lack of self-confidence;
• Responsibility is not chosen consciously, but imposed by others;
• Selfishness, laziness or apathy;
• Infringement of their personal rights and freedoms.

Let's analyze these reasons and analyze how you can defeat each of them.

Responsibility, why is it needed?

In this case we are talking not about fear, but rather about a misunderstanding of the meaning. Indeed, why? Extra hassle in a busy schedule. Someone to promise something, to be due. But for some reason, more responsible employees receive bonuses and career. Reliable boys meet cool girls. In general, such people are perceived differently by society, more often they find friends and allies. Perhaps responsibility is not a burden, but a privilege? If you become a reliable person, then it will be easier to live? The look is selfish, but all people are selfish in their own way.

What if you can't be responsible?

This is a clear fear of responsibility. Fear of not being able to live up to expectations. Fear of letting someone down. The reason for this is not that the person is bad, but that he is simply not confident in himself. In order to re-educate him, instructions should be introduced gradually, from simpler to more complex. It’s harder to retrain yourself, but it’s real. The main thing is to start living according to the principle “who, if not me?”

Responsibility under duress

Sometimes the need for action is dictated by someone else. Society imposes on us obligations to our country, to other members of society. For example, a child does not want to learn lessons, but he has to do it because his parents and teachers demand it.

In this case, it is appropriate to use psychological concept, as a locus of control - the distribution of responsibility among themselves and external factors. If the locus of control is external (external), then the person tends to shift responsibility to others. If internal (internal) - on yourself. In the first case, he will perceive the obligation as violence, and in the second, he will readily accept it.

Too lazy to be responsible

Another common reason for disclaiming responsibility is laziness and apathy. This includes selfishness, because of which it becomes too lazy to be indebted to someone for something. the only effective way to stir up such a person will be raising his general tone, replenishing vital energy. Until he changes his life position proactive, you should not expect reliability.

Responsibility infringes on human rights

Describing this point, the captain immediately appears in his thoughts, going to the bottom along with his sinking ship. He could also sail away, but duty does not allow him to do so. In this case, freedom and responsibility are opposed to each other. It is not surprising if fear arises. Who wants to feed the crabs knowing they could easily escape? Suppose the captain voluntarily chose this job, received a large salary, taught his children at Harvard. And what can we say about a person who has been imposed duties without any “bonuses” from this at all. Such personal responsibility will certainly not please him. By the way, there is also a collective one, which appears in groups of people interconnected with each other. A striking example- “the honor of the uniform” or the saying that “there are no other people's children” and any adult is responsible for the child who is nearby.

In general, if a respected reader has shown responsibility and carefully read this material, it will not be difficult for him to understand the meaning and meaning of this word. Also, it becomes clear why there is a fear of responsibility. To avoid it, it is necessary that freedom and responsibility be clearly separated. It is important to understand that any decision must be made voluntarily. Only in this case, responsibility will be perceived as a choice, not coercion.

Fear of responsibility is one of the varieties of modern social phobias, scientifically called hypengiophobia. This word comes from the Greek: hypengyon - responsibility and phobos - phobia. Thus, hypengiophobia is obsessive fear responsibility, a tormenting irrational fear of commitment.

Modern world multivariate, requires the individual to accept difficult decisions. People have to take responsibility every day. own actions and be responsible for the consequences of your choice. Many people experience stress as a reaction to the fear of not living up to the expectations of others, missing something and making a mistake.

The panic fear of responsibility causes uncontrollable anxiety and the person becomes a hostage of the phobia. Even the simplest tasks seem impossible. The hypengiophobe is afraid to let him down, not to cope, and hesitates to make a decision, does not take any action.

How to determine the presence of a phobic disorder?

Experts in the field of psychology have established that the fear of responsibility is a real disease that has its manifestations.

Physical symptoms of hypengiophobia:

• quiet voice;
• inability to concentrate on a task;
• nausea;
• headache;
• inability to articulate thoughts clearly;
• increased sweating.

Psychological manifestations of hypengiophobia:

• a feeling of oppression caused by a feeling of pressure from outside;
• desire to hide, dissolve, disappear;
• panic at the thought of a task;
• the desire to postpone the solution of problems for later;

The carrier of the phobia feels internal discomfort, but cannot explain even to himself why he experiences such a set of sensations. He convinces himself that he is tired, that the demands placed on him exceed his powers, and shifts responsibility to others. If an individual can honestly admit to himself: “I am afraid of responsibility”, then this will be the first step towards solving the problem.

Reasons for fear of liability

Fear of commitment can have several causes:

Childhood upbringing

If parents often criticized the child for mistakes, severely punished, compared with other children, demanded excellent study, then such an attitude is imprinted in the mind for the entire later life. Parental figures are an indisputable authority for the baby, who absorbs any attitudes like a sponge without exposing them to critical filtration. Due to age, the child's psyche is not able to do this.

An adult grows up, expecting accusations, in advance considering himself to be guilty of everything. In his head, like a record, an accusatory monologue sounds: "You are not worthy, you are incompetent, a loser, such as you do not achieve anything in life." The more a person idealizes his strict parents, the more he feels himself an object evaluative attitude surrounding, feeling that again "get a deuce." There is a fear of responsibility.

Such a person is convinced that he will not be able to take an adult position, fraught with obligations. Subconsciously, he identifies himself with the punished child, who must obey or flee.

perfectionism

A person is not satisfied with just worthy indicators of his work, he needs an ideal result. The individual makes excessive demands on himself, as in the past his parents made him. The desire for an ideal is characteristic: a perfectionist considers himself obliged to give an excellent result, overtaking the rest. Any activity is perceived as a competitive struggle.

If you cannot reach top score in activity, then self-esteem begins to tend to zero. At work refusal to comply official duties the employee rarely identifies with the state of "I'm afraid of responsibility", prefers to explain it by the erroneous actions of others, unsuitable working conditions. As a result, a person stops trying to achieve something new, gets stuck in the so-called comfort zone, performing long-familiar actions.

Fear of responsibility causes a stop in development, because an irresponsible person does not meet his own inflated expectations. At the same time, he does not agree to accept his fairly good indicators, considering them to be failures.

Dependence on someone else's opinion

This reason, which causes fear of responsibility, contains doubts about one's own social status, attitude towards oneself as an outsider, low self-esteem, fear of public condemnation. A person prefers to “keep his head down” once again, avoids making commitments, hiding behind the backs of more enterprising and active people.

The origins of this dependence should also be sought in childhood, where a person has problems with entering social life. For example, if a child, as a schoolchild, experienced communication difficulties, then in adulthood they can develop into. Self-help tips for self-doubt are presented here.

Past bad experience

If a person who is not confident in his abilities once failed to cope with the responsibility assigned, it is highly likely that in the future he will begin to avoid repeating such situations. Especially if the failure was followed by punishment, for example, deprivation of the bonus for late reporting. A suspicious person has an attitude about the danger of obligations and fear of responsibility. There is an avoidance reaction.

Ways to avoid liability

The problem of fear of responsibility is a developed habit, reinforced by repeated repetition. human psyche shows miracles of ingenuity where it is necessary to change the established patterns of behavior. Gravitating towards stability, the psyche resists change. A person unconsciously looks for ways to avoid obligations.

The main methods include:

• Procrastination or procrastination important tasks for later. Instead of doing the main work, a person is engaged in secondary affairs. Can hang for a long time social networks or dedicate hours to online gaming. The result is often careless performance of the task, accompanied by feelings of guilt.
• Bad habits. Alcohol, smoking - such ways of avoiding reality for a while help get rid of the psychological burden of obligations. Being destructive in nature, they harm the psyche and physical health personality.
• Transferring responsibility. Conventionally, this strategy is called "behavior of the loser." The individual justifies his inaction by unfavorable external factors. Blaming people around you helps you avoid commitment without feeling guilty.

Consequences of hypengiophobia

The result of such behavior is violated obligations, dissatisfaction with the authorities up to dismissal, unfinished personal life, prolonged stress, psychosomatic diseases. Sometimes this state is experienced by top managers of successful firms, realizing that they are responsible for financial well-being the entire company.

Regularly postponing decision-making, sitting in a corner, a person tries to reduce the likelihood of errors, but in fact methodically destroys his life. Problems with personal life, difficulties in building a career, loss of respect from colleagues and acquaintances - this is an incomplete list of the destructive consequences of such a life strategy.

By the way! Psychobiologists from Harvard University(USA) found that hereditary factors influence stress sensitivity. About 20% of infants are born with neurochemical characteristics of the psyche, which in adulthood will contribute to the development of hypengiophobia. In such people, hyperreactivity of the part of the brain that is responsible for fear is observed.

How to stop being afraid of responsibility?

In severe cases, hypengiophobia can paralyze any manifestation of activity and make its carrier a social outcast.

10 Ways to Stop Fear of Responsibility from Ruining Your Life:

1. Change in attitude towards mistakes. Instead of self-flagellation, you should develop the habit of answering the questions “what is done well?” and “what can be done better next time?”.
2. Stop postponing decision making. Developing the habit of instant action will significantly reduce stress and improve the quality of life.
3. Learn self-support. A useful skill will be the ability to praise and reward yourself for the actions taken. It is recommended to introduce the practice of daily affirmations - repeated positive phrases.
4. , yoga. These practices relax the body as much as possible, relieve muscle clamps relieve emotional stress.
5. More often take responsibility, bringing what you started to the end. Inaction generates fears, vigorous steps create confidence. Completeness will give an optimistic view of the situation and remove the problem of fear of responsibility.
6. Cultivate faith in yourself. Healthy self-confidence encourages behavioral acts, reduces anxiety in the face of uncertainty.
7. Complete rest, daily routine. It is necessary to give the body time to reboot in order to maintain rational thinking and a stable emotional state.
8. Practice making commitments. Voluntary acceptance of responsibility reduces the fear of problems and becomes a resource for confronting phobias.
9. Realize the irrationality of fears by sorting them out on the shelves. Writing down the problems and fears associated with them will significantly reduce the level of anxiety. To enhance the effect will help the analysis of the written on the subject of unsolvable problems.
10. Working with a specialist. This method gives the most stable result. A professional psychologist-hypnotherapist will teach you how to cope with anxiety and not be afraid of responsibility.

Like any disease, hypengiophobia will not go away on its own. Overcoming the fear of commitment will help the gradual release of irrational anxiety and the complication of the obligations assumed. Working with a specialist such as

It is the fear of responsibility that prevents many employees from achieving success and recognition at work, how to overcome this barrier and teach yourself to be ready to take on any issues, we will discuss in this material.

By the way, actually fear of taking responsibility- these are not just some fears or fads of a person, but a real, recognized by psychology, phobia, which can greatly harm life. After all, a person, both in work and in his personal life, tries to avoid making decisions, minimizes the risks of mistakes, thereby refusing to initiate movement, striving for the best and the desired. As a result, such people serve for a long time in the same low positions, remain lonely in their personal lives and have no respect among friends and colleagues. Let's try to understand what underlies the fear of being responsible for something, how to deal with it, and what psychologists think about it.

Why does hypengiophobia occur?

It is with such a complex and long word that experts call the fear of responsibility (). Its formation is based on panic fear individual about the fact that he will not be able to master the task that was assigned to him or that he took on himself. Moreover, the person himself is unable to control this fear, he begins to constantly worry, get nervous, be afraid of failure or making a mistake.

What scares the individual the most?

For many it has great importance the opinion of others, they are terrified of criticism, censure or discussion from others. Others fear that their erroneous action will lead to the loss of established authority, a deterioration in reputation, and some fear the collapse of interpersonal relationships.

How and why does hypengiophobia begin to develop?

There can be several reasons for the development of a phobia. For example:

1. Fear is formed on the basis of childhood experiences. This happens when in early age a person has problems during acquaintance with social life. Most often, it is the attitude of parents and their upbringing that is the basis, because they remain an authority for a person for the rest of his life. Suppose, as a teenager, an individual made his own decision, for which he was severely punished, faced constant criticism from elders, or suffered from the fact that everything forbade him and protected him from everything.

2. Action social stereotypes. The effect of society on a person is actually very strong, despite the fact that someone is more inclined to fall under the influence of the public, someone less, all people at least a little, but depend on the opinions of others. It is on the basis of social stereotypes that a person begins to realize what is good and what is bad, what success means and what failure means, how to do the right thing and how not. If an individual is strongly subject to suggestion from the side of society, then he begins to focus solely on his stereotypical thinking, and for own formation there is simply no need for evaluations - everyone around him did everything for him.

3. Negative attitudes and prejudice. They are formed on the basis of previous bad experiences. If some people, after a failure, are able to rise again and get down to business with double zeal, then others will forever forget about a failed undertaking, and henceforth, all similar proposals and opportunities are negatively treated in advance. An installation is created that once an individual has already faced a failure, nothing good will come of his initiative in the future.

4. Low self-esteem which conflicts with perfectionism. That is, on the one hand, the individual is not ready to put up with the good results of his activity, he needs only the best, because he chooses ideals as an example for himself. A person believes that he must do everything perfectly, the first time, better than everyone else. But on the other hand reach the highest rating it does not always work out, because anyway in the world there is someone stronger, more beautiful or richer. Realizing this, a person's self-esteem begins to fall, and he is simply afraid to take on anything, realizing that it is not always possible to achieve an ideal result. Fear of responsibility- this is a consequence of the fact that the individual cannot justify his own expectations, but agree to simply good result he's not ready.

5. High dependence on the opinions of others. A person is so afraid that he will be judged, his point of view not accepted, ridiculed or criticized, that he tries to avoid any initiative actions. The biggest fears here is low social status, attitude towards oneself as an outcast, condemnation and censure from others. As a result, the individual simply protects himself from making responsible decisions, and tries to remain in the shadows, not visible to other people.

And don't think that fear of responsibility, this is a small problem that psychologists just made up. In fact, it can lead to complications not only moral, but also physical condition person. Such people are prone to heart disease, heart problems vascular system, peptic ulcers, heart attacks and strokes, as well as the development of hypertension.

How to get rid of the fear of responsibility?

In such attacks of fear, a person is practically unable to control his emotions, responsibility is so frightening that consciousness gets out of control. But at the same time, the individual understands that the refusal of this or that decision harms him. It interferes with achieving the desired, fetters his actions. As a result, there internal conflict with yourself, which leads to the feeling life crisis. Thoughts are tuned in a negative way. The individual does not look at the situation with positive side for example, if I find a new solution, I will get a bonus or promotion. He thinks about what will follow his mistake, believing that it is almost inevitable.

Causes of the fear of responsibility we have already listed, but how to determine this phobia by behavioral signs? Such people are very self-critical, they are prone to self-flagellation, scrolling negative thoughts and fears. If a moment arises when it is necessary to make a responsible decision, the individual tries in every possible way to avoid it. Business moments such as a business meeting with new clients, project management, the need to control a process, learn new responsibilities - all this drives a person into a panic state. In addition, the slightest obstacle, an unexpected situation, makes a person give up, and criticism or comments drive him crazy.

How to get rid of the fear of responsibility, which prevents you from living a normal life and achieving your goals? Psychologists have identified several positions that can help overcome the fear of responsibility.

1. Encourage an optimistic attitude. Only he is not mistaken. Who does nothing. Therefore, even if you once made the wrong decision, this is not a reason to give up and continue to avoid responsibility. On the contrary, now you are more literate, and next time you will not make a similar mistake. Everything seems much better and easier if you perceive life from a positive side.

2. Rationally evaluate failures and complications. In order to understand why you made a mistake in a particular situation, you need to carefully analyze your actions, find erroneous steps, and remember them. To overcome the fear of responsibility, you should learn to approach the adoption of each decision seriously and thoughtfully, and not hastily make a deal, and then complain about the fact that you do not succeed.

3. Remember, mistakes are not disasters. Most often, it is the wrong attitude towards one's own erroneous actions and creates a fear of responsibility. A mistake is your lesson that life teaches so that you have experience in one direction or another.

4. Got a task? Start solving it right away. It is very difficult to get rid of the fear of responsibility when the complex issue requiring a decision. Of course, it's easier to postpone it until tomorrow, next Tuesday or next month. But at the same time, every day you will feel the burden of unfinished business, which is accompanied by tension, and may result in manifestations stressful condition.

5. Don't leave unfinished business. When you take on a task, remember that it must be finished before you start anything else. The fear of responsibility only intensifies when a person gives up halfway through due to the fact that he is faced with some kind of difficulty. Solve the problem immediately, then continue working, thereby minimizing the number of reasons for worrying. Moreover, the feeling that we experience after completion hard work, gives strength, energy and increases confidence in own forces.

6. Learn to believe in yourself, in your strength. It is for those who know what he is capable of and what he can, it is much easier to overcome the fear of responsibility. Constant doubt make the individual fear all, even the simplest assignments, thereby limiting his chances of achieving the goal.

7. Train your will. Start fighting your fears. If you are afraid of heights - try skydiving, you have long been afraid to talk with a colleague that he is doing the job wrong - gather your will into a fist and start a conversation. Only by overcoming your phobias, you can drown out the fear of responsibility.

8. Rest and work. In order to be optimistic about what is happening at work, you need to have enough time to rest. Exactly free time that a person devotes to himself can help him normalize psychological condition. His thinking becomes more rational, stable, and emotional problems fade into the background.

9. Don't forget your comfort zone. In fact, the fear of responsibility is formed in us when we are in a state of panic. If you regularly give yourself time to let your mind feel comfortable, then there will be less problems with the perception of complexities.

10. Strengthening the impact of positive. To overcome the fear of responsibility, you need to minimize your anxiety state try to be healthy and calm look. Start answering for small, habitual, daily issues, take on the decision of the most simple questions and soon you will handle more responsibility.

How to overcome the fear of responsibility: the opinion of a psychologist.

By itself, this fear cannot be justified by the biological or innate characteristics of a person. It develops over the course of life psychological level. Psychologists give general recommendations how to overcome the fear of responsibility and pull yourself together. Here are some of them:

1. You should not immediately take responsibility for something global, such as doing major project or recruiting a new state. Even if such a task has appeared, do not refuse it, but try to divide it into small subgroups. Start with the little things simple tasks, gradually moving to more responsible and important;

2. Don't neglect help. To reduce your own responsibility, you can seek support from relatives or close people. They can give useful advice and provide support, which is so necessary for those who are trying to overcome the fear of responsibility;

3. Highlight for yourself those moments that cause fear of responsibility. If you manage to control and manage them, then it will become much easier to deal with your weaknesses;

4. In order to stop doubting, you need to motivate yourself to do so. Find at least a few reasons why you should learn to make decisions. In the eyes of others, you will become a more respected, serious and sought-after person, and this is already sufficient motivation.

5. Circumstances should not be a hindrance. Sometimes things don't turn out the way you expected, but that's no reason to give up and give up. own decision. It is necessary to continue to fight and go towards your goal, and leave uncertainty and doubt behind;

6. Believe in your own strength. Even if circumstances do not turn out the way you expected, you should not shirk responsibility. On the contrary, find the strength in yourself to do what is right in this moment. Remember that it is the confidence in your rightness that will give you the strength to make a worthy decision;

7. Don't focus on habits. If you are in permanent depression, look at the world with a pessimistic look and are ready to give up everything, just not to encounter problems or difficulties, then no luck will help you. This mindset underlies what attracts negative energy. Learn to look at all difficulties with a positive perception.

8. Analyze your fears. If you feel that this or that decision is apprehensive, try to understand for yourself what it is. Which makes you doubt what outcome you fear. Only in this way can you find the source of your self-doubt, your worries and anxieties. After understanding the very essence of the problem, it will become much easier to search for its solution. This will help to find the very essence that gives rise to the fear of responsibility, how to overcome such a problem, each individual will determine for himself.

At first we are children and we want to grow up as soon as possible. The idea of ​​being self-reliant is incredibly attractive to a child's mind, and adulthood beckons with an endless list of new features ... And we diligently make serifs on the door jambs, trying to become taller. Higher means older. But as we grow up, things change. Children's optimism disappears, and new opportunities are now frightening: we see in them also responsibility. Yes, we should be aware of it, but should we be afraid? Today such fear keeps a lot of girls from important life steps : job changes, relationship registration, the birth of a child ... Someone is even afraid to start a fish, what can I say!

Responsibility for Him

Not so long ago I had a chance to talk with a successful young man, my acquaintance. He honestly confessed his fear, which, to my surprise, affected the material side of life. A successful man began to build a career as a student, at the moment he is fully self-sufficient, owns property, is independent, attractive and ... is terrified of facing material difficulties after marriage. And even worse - after the birth of a child!

I thought it was funny. I have known Vadik (that's his name) from the first days at the institute, and he always stood out favorably against the background of his fellow students. He managed to get the job that others only dreamed of and quickly move up career ladder. “You definitely won’t get lost with this one!” the girls thought. You should try to marry him first...

Vadik, as a corporate person, lives within wages. And expands its needs as the salary increases. And so it turns out a typical way of life for us - from paycheck to paycheck. And if this mechanism (God forbid!) fails, it will be a disaster. After all, there are no savings. “We just have nothing to live on!” he states. Here I thought. And after a short pause, his fear did not seem so funny to me. Moreover, he did not seem to me even a disadvantage.

Tell me, girls, how many men do you know who are worried about the security of their future family? Which provide such moments? Of the contingent that walks the streets every day, most do not even suspect that the family needs to be fed ... Therefore, Vadik, with his fear, suddenly “grew up” in my eyes. And it looks even more attractive...

If you disassemble his fear "by the bones", you can see what it is extreme form responsibility, which certainly frightens him. He wants to get married, but for him it is a responsibility for others (for his wife and child), which he is afraid of not being able to cope with. And as long as he is so unsure of himself (and he is!), fear will haunt him. In this case, uncertainty is born due to lack of savings.

In most families A sense of responsibility in boys is brought up from childhood. Mothers mentally prepare their sons for the fact that they will have a family that they will take care of. And they remind him that he should not forget his parents either. Thus nurtured three main types of responsibility which frighten him, but he has already taken for granted the fact that one day he will take them upon himself.

1. Responsibility for parents: when they retire, he must help them, continue a decent life, as they provided for him in their time. Such responsibility is stronger if the child is alone in the family.

2. Responsibility for the health of his wife: men are well aware that childbirth and raising children take away health in bags. Lack of health is suffering, and it is unbearable for him to see how his beloved suffers.

3. Responsibility for your children. This includes everything from their health to well-being in life. By the way, expectant fathers often worry about not being able to find common language with your child.

And if the first of these responsibilities sooner or later overtakes him, then he can agree (or disagree) voluntarily with the second two. When a man is not sure that he will “pull” them, then this moment can be postponed indefinitely. But it should be borne in mind that it is not so much the fear of responsibility that keeps men from marriage, but fear of failure.

For example, marriage will end in divorce, the child will be taken away from him ... Not the most pleasant prospects, so they subconsciously look for the one that will give them feeling of self-confidence. Just convince him that you are the best option, and you will find that men are not so much afraid to seal themselves in marriage ... Here, for example, is the confession of another friend of mine: on the contrary, he is afraid of becoming such an “inveterate family man” that he will forget about his friends , acquaintances ... i.e. afraid to get bogged down in everyday life, but not afraid to marry! Girls, do you feel? In general, statistics show that families appear in the lives of men in the presence of three components: housing, money and a loved one.

Responsibility for her

Today, young mothers with fidgets are found everywhere: on the street they diligently roll strollers, sometimes looking under their dome and cooing there; in shops, shopping and entertainment centers, they rush headlong after their children, who, in turn, are trying their best to escape from them. All this fuss is incredibly sweet, and it seems that everyone modern girl over 22-25 years old already have a little baby and caring husband. And those who cannot decide to take this step remain in the shadows ...

Modern questionnaires demonstrate the three most popular responses of girls to the question of what keeps them from marriage bonds:

• I don't want to lose my career
• I don't want to lose my freedom;
• not ready.

If you look at the essence of the issue, then each “I don’t want” here can be replaced by the word “I’m afraid.” But why is a woman, who was originally intended by nature for motherhood and a family hearth, suddenly afraid of losing her career or freedom for this? After all, sooner or later, any of us will want to sacrifice everything for the sake of the birth of a new life. Something is clearly wrong here.

If you dig even deeper and try to understand psychological reasons of this phenomenon, then the question appears to us in a completely different light: a woman values ​​​​everything, before a man appears in her life, to whom she could entrust herself. Yes, yes, all of the above fears in our female psychology just a screen for one true fact: lack of a reliable partner. In this state of affairs, it is quite understandable that a woman herself is afraid to take responsibility for the birth and upbringing of a child. After all, if a partner is unreliable, it means that he can evaporate at any moment, and then she will be left alone with difficulties.

Irresponsible bans

By itself marriage is also a responsibility. Of course, not everyone thinks so, and many perceive it as a kind of entertainment. The result of such marriages is also usually entertaining. Unmarried girls after 25 are divided into two types: those who enjoy their freedom, and those who are ashamed that they are not married and desperately want to get there. The latter often flaunt their desire so strongly that it gives young people an opportunity to use it with impunity. And in the first, the fear of responsibility lives just, and the older you get, the clearer the very awareness of responsibility comes. Vicious circle. How to get out of it?

First, it is worth realizing that sooner or later any woman must be realized as a woman, which implies the creation of a family and caring for loved ones. Secondly, you need to carefully, namely, to increase it. Usually, people who are afraid of responsibility believe that they simply do not deserve something good, so they are “satisfied with little”, afraid to take the reins of power into their own hands for something more.

Psychologists say that the basis for such an attitude towards oneself is lack of personal confidence in the world around. Where does it come from? And here you can say hello to the "ascetic" childhood, when adults forbid everything and everything to children. Do you know this kind of mothers who will scold a child to tears for taking something inadvertently without asking in the presence of strangers? The philosophy here is usually this: it's okay that my child cries, the main thing is that people do not think that he is ill-mannered or that I am a bad mother.

A typical way of thinking of mothers, imposed by the echoes of Soviet morality. And the baby develops an understanding that he himself is less important than some kind of someone else's felt-tip pen. Next time he will be afraid to take a felt-tip pen, and in 15 years he will be afraid of something more. So there is a fear of being responsible for your actions, and then suddenly something will be wrong again? But be that as it may, no one is to blame for anything. If there's a problem, don't look back. We just take it in our hands and start to decide.

The first thing we start with: we decide that marriage will happen in our life! Let's face this fact, so to speak. Further “We are working on” our future image of a wife and mother: what kind of wife do you want to be? How do you see your family? Will you nag your husband? What will your relationship be like? How will the children treat you? How will you raise them? What are you willing to do to make your husband and children treat you that way? How do you want to make your loved ones (happy, successful, creative, athletic)? It is very important to answer these questions, because if you initially set yourself up for a happy future, it will be just that. And when a family is happy, then being responsible for it is a most pleasant burden!