Everyone knows that in the life of even the most stable couple, there is crisis periods when it seems that the relationship has reached an impasse, and it makes no sense to continue to be together. Such crises are distinguished, first of all, by their senselessness: for no particular reason, people begin to get annoyed with each other, quarrel and move away. On how to save your love and overcome another crisis, we will try to think in this article.

Is the crisis so unreasonable?

Just because you don't see a reason doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Usually, even in the most idyllic relationships, there are pitfalls: unspoken grievances, problems that, due to their insignificance long time one of the partners closed their eyes, unspoken feelings, unlived conflicts ... When all this accumulates inside for a long time, sooner or later the negative looks for a way out and results in quarrels.

The cause of the crisis may also be prolonged instability in relations. Instability can be different kind, have material and emotional roots. There is no need to consider instability as a lack speaks for itself - instability is a lack of stability, confidence in a partner, in his feelings, in his actions.

Also: a crisis can be just a marker of the problems that have been in your relationship from the very beginning. If initially you and your partner united on the principle of “tolerate - fall in love”, then the crisis may be a signal that, unfortunately, “couldn’t endure” and “didn’t fall in love”.

Ways out

How to deal with crises. The most terrible thing for a couple here is precisely the crisis quarrels. Since what has been accumulated for a long time finally finds a way out, people often do not control their words and emotions. Sometimes such conflicts are so destructive that after them it is already pointless to talk about the causes of the crisis and ways out of it. The word, as you know, is not a sparrow ...

Therefore, the first step in overcoming the crisis is to avoid open conflicts until you feel the strength and courage to conflict constructively. Even if you understand that there is “no fate” with this person, you should not turn him and your life into hell. Support here can be provided either by a specialist in psychotherapy, or the traditional way of "friendly vest". It is better to “merge” all emotions about your partner to the side.

And then, depending on how both of you are ready for dialogue, you need to strive to discuss a joint future. Speak out what is not said, state your unmet needs and listen to your partner's grievances. And if you decide to be together, no matter what, forgive, understand, accept each other and draw appropriate conclusions for the future. And if you are “out of the way”, then make the parting worthy and beautiful.

We hope that the following articles, about stress, how to get out of depression, how to save a family and how to raise children, will be as interesting as this article and many others on this portal, a site for girls, women and more.

How to overcome life crises?

The word "crisis", written in Chinese, consists of two characters: one means "danger", the other - "opportunity"
John Kennedy

A crisis This is the time when the strong become stronger.

If everything in life went smoothly and according to plan, it would be an ideal world. But, unfortunately, this does not happen - in the life of every person there is a crisis. The difference is only in the amount in which it comes into our lives.

life crisis - this is an event in a person's life that has a destructive effect on his destiny, entailing the loss of an important component of his life (relations with loved ones, work, health, social status, psychological balance).

You may object: “But there are people who do not look like they have gone through a period of life crisis.” Of course, there are people who look nonchalant and confident in any situation, they are confident in own forces and willing to take risks if needed. They are optimists by nature, but this does not mean at all that there were no crisis situations in their lives. It's just that these people have the ability to look for solutions (and most often they find it) in crisis situations, instead of relying on relatives, the state, while saying how “poor and unfortunate” they are. It may surprise you, but many outwardly confident and happy people have a life crisis two or three times more often than people who seem to live one big life crisis for a lifetime.

The peculiarity of self-confident people is the ability to endure every crisis situation a certain lesson that allows you to quickly and effectively deal with the crisis when it appears. As paradoxical as it may sound to many, happy people find additional motivation for life in crisis situations, discover in themselves previously unnoticed abilities.
Every person who regards the next crisis as the end of the world will exclaim in surprise: “To find an incentive to live in a crisis? But this is impossible!". And how is it possible. Moreover, many people do not do the things they would like to do, work in a job that does not bring them any joy, lead a destructive lifestyle for themselves - and this continues until a crisis occurs in their lives. A case in point may be the so-called "midlife crisis", when a person with critical point view considers his life - what he has achieved on this stage life, what worked and what didn't. A person during a crisis is able to truly, without the influence of constraining factors, rethink his own life.

The most popular during the “midlife crisis” is the phrase: “And what did I just waste so much precious time on own life?”. During this type of crisis, many families break up, as one of the family members openly admits to himself that he no longer has reverent feelings for the closest person. Whether these changes in a person's life have a positive or negative result depends on specific situation. On the one hand, during a crisis, a person’s “eyes are opened”, he is aware of his true desires. However, on the other hand, there is a possibility that during a crisis a person will simply overestimate the true need for change, or direct his efforts to the wrong area of ​​life.

For example, if a person was laid off at work, and at the same time he realized that all this time he was working not in the field of his true calling, he has a wonderful chance to do what he loves. However, if a person does not work out in a new place of work, he can unreasonably blame his wife for everything, who has always supported him and was there. As a result of constant quarrels over fictitious problems, the spouses decide to disperse, and only after certain period time after a divorce, a man will understand how he hastened in his conclusions, only way back will no longer be.

Based on the foregoing, before starting a war with crisis situations, it is necessary to analyze real reasons that caused these situations, and outline ways to solve them - then you will know where to move on. Remember that inaction gives 0% of the result, action - 50% of the result, right action- 100% result. These figures are conditional, however, you must agree, the meaning is in this statement there is.

So, if you have weighed all the factors that led to the crisis, accurately determined the actions necessary to overcome it, the most important thing remains - the direct fight against the crisis, the correct conduct of which will ensure you an unconditional victory over the crisis. This article is intended to help you in this difficult struggle, to give advice on how to effectively overcome the crisis, following which you will develop the habit of always being ready for any difficult situations.

In order to overcome any life crisis with honor, follow these tips:

1. Remember that your life does not end with a crisis.. No matter how strong the impact of the crisis on your life, you should be clearly aware that life goes on. No crisis is worth knocking you out of psychological and spiritual balance. A truly happy person is one who lives for today, while looking one step ahead without looking back. Your crisis, regardless of its essence (dismissal, deterioration in health, stress, loss of a friend) is your past, and the past should be taken for granted, but not mentally returned to it every second. By living in the past, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to build a solid base for your future. A person living in the past does not really exist in this world, since the past also no longer exists - what happened a week ago existed a week ago, but not now. Each person in this world has his own time - so live here and now, stop regretting missed opportunities and blaming yourself for past troubles, live your life so that you are not ashamed of it.

2. A crisis very often creates an opportunity for your future.. Many people have developed a perception of a crisis situation as something terrible and tragic. However, they do not even think about what service the crisis can do them. People's actions are influenced by feelings of fear, danger and doubt, due to which a person does not decide on planned actions. It seems to a person that if certain event he is in danger. Of course, no one wants to consciously endanger themselves, and therefore a person will try to avoid such events. When the event occurs on its own, regardless of the desire of the person, then the person in the process of experiencing it realizes that his fear of this event was completely unfounded.

Example: A man (let's call him Stepan) was terribly afraid of poverty since childhood - it seemed to him that if he was fired from his job, he would be in danger of being left without a livelihood and die of hunger. And then one day his fears came true - he was fired, and a month later he could not get another job. During this month, Stepan was shackled by a terrible feeling of fear, he said to himself: “Well, that terrible day has come - I have no money, no work either. Apparently this is the end." However, after some time, he decided that he would fight to the end and survive the life crisis that had come. Then Stepan started active search work - sent out resumes via the Internet, made visits to organizations in order to find out if they had one vacancy, advertised in the newspaper. When he finally ran out of money, he went to his to the best friend and asked to borrow money. And then one day, when even the borrowed funds were coming to an end, he got a call from the organization and said: “Hello, are you still interested in the job? We just had a vacancy for a Manager. When Stepan got a job, he realized that all his fears about starvation were fiction, and that a person is able to find a way out of every situation. His fears dissipated.

3. Accept it as a fact that a crisis does not come by chance.. People who are not aware of this truth very often live without noticing anything around. Their life is measured and stable, and this is absolutely fine with them. But suddenly periodic changes begin to occur in their lives, something does not go as they planned. Life itself begins to give a person signals that serve as the beginning of a crisis, but a person either does not notice them, or simply does not attach importance to them. The simplest example is any illness preceded by deterioration in health. These deteriorations in health serve as a signal to a person that he should leave all business for a while and take care of his health. Isn't it a familiar situation? At the same time, it does not matter what kind of disease in question- dysbiosis or cancer, the essence of the signals remains the same.

It would seem that when health problems appear, a person should direct all efforts to the prevention of an incipient disease, but what does he actually do? He continues to work, throwing all efforts to achieve career development, social status and much more ... That's really true "Until the thunder breaks out, the peasant will not cross himself." The person thinks: “Until it hurts, there is no point in treating it - a waste of time and money.” So is it any wonder that insignificant signals eventually turn into big problem, for the solution of which a person is forced to spend much more strength than it would take to eliminate the manifestation of symptoms.

The main reason why a person does not notice the signs of an approaching crisis is the absolute enthusiasm of a person certain activities. A person who devotes himself completely to work, to achieving career growth, may lose sight of the incipient split in relations with his spouse / spouse. If a person devotes a lot of time to sitting in social networks, he loses time for self-realization and success in work and personal life. In other words, the main problem most people - the inability to maintain a balance between various areas own life. Only by learning how to allocate time for each area can a person minimize the risk of a crisis.

Mandatory human skill should be the ability to quickly respond to signs of an approaching crisis. If you began to quarrel with your spouse more often, you should take the time to talk heart to heart with her, work together to find the cause of the quarrel and outline ways to eliminate this cause. But, in no case do not ignore the problem, pretending that it should be so - this will lead to the fact that one “beautiful” day your spouse will pack up and leave you, and a little later you will receive a ticket to a bachelor life.

4. Concentrate your attention on positive points . If there were people in your life whom you loved very much, but you had to leave, which you regret every free minute, tormenting yourself with remorse and angry that you are not able to return time back, then know that the best thing you can do in this situation - remember all the good things that happened in your life thanks to these people. Remember how wonderful it was for you together, how you shared happiness with each other, made each other happy, how beautiful your living together. You might object, “But won’t remembering the past make the pain of a breakup worse?” Of course, at first it will be very difficult for you to accept the fact that the person who gives you joy and love is no longer around. However, the undeniable advantage of memories for a person is the ability to push the boundaries of past relationships that do not want to let you out of their chains, to look at them objectively, without idealization. Once you accept everything that was in your past relationship, you can let it go and open your heart to a new relationship. Until you do this, you will be forced to live in the past, which will cause you catastrophic mental pain from day to day.

If you broke up with a person who was once close to you on his initiative, and you developed a feeling towards him bordering on hatred, then the memories of the time when you were still together, the reproduction in the memory of the most bright events your relationship will help you understand the reasons behind the behavior loved one leading to the breakdown of the relationship. You are aware of the motives that guided the person close to you, dotting the “and” in your relationship, and you will be able to relate to his act with greater understanding.

The main mistake after breaking up with a loved one is spending time alone. Depressed by stress after a breakup, a person is able to completely withdraw into himself, as a result of which he develops the habit of always being alone. Separation survivors mistakenly try to avoid other people in order not to experience the bitterness of separation again. However, being alone, they actually remain in a closed space alone with their thoughts and memories. In order to facilitate adaptation after the breakup of a relationship, a person should most time to be in the company of people, spending time with whom gives him the greatest joy. A trip to a disco is perfect, where, in addition to the company, dancing will help a person forget about the bitterness of parting, because in dancing a person spends a significant amount of energy, and it does not remain at all for self-flagellation and a waste of nerves.

5. Think about your true goals and revise them if necessary.. AT this case There can be two types of problems - the presence of false goals (not real ones, imposed on a person by society, parents, friends, etc.) and the absence of a goal as such. When a person lives with the goals of other people, he sooner or later realizes this, and then cases of the onset of deep depression, a psychological crisis are likely, the person understands how much time he has wasted. So why does a person generally live for the goals of other people? As a rule, human goals are formed in early age when a person determines the areas of activity in which he would like to work, and on the basis of this he chooses the education that he would like to receive. Each person is born with certain inclinations, and the task of parents is to identify them and help their child improve them. However, many parents have their own unrealized plans, goals that they would like to achieve, but did not have time. Therefore, they begin to realize their plans through their child, assuring him that these are in fact his desires and goals.

Some parents impose goals on their child for good reasons. For example, they can convince a child who has the ability to fine arts that work system administrator today is one of the most demanded, and getting an education in this profession is one of the factors of its secure future. Perhaps, in fact, it is so, and parents act out of good intentions, but in the end they thereby kill the germs of his talent in the child.

The crisis as a result of the wrong choice of goal also does not come suddenly, but is transmitted to a person through signals. Man working on certain work, begins to feel that he does not enjoy what he does at all. Every weekday he begins with the thought: “Well, this work again ...”, he literally forces himself to get out of bed and start getting ready. However, instead of stopping and reevaluating their goals, finding an occupation that, in addition to material rewards, will bring satisfaction from the work done, a person, like a robot, continues to walk on unloved job, rent a rather boring living space, communicate with absolutely uninteresting interlocutors, etc. So often we do things we don't really want to do, and yet we find excuses for our behavior. A person often says: “If I don’t go to work, I won’t have a livelihood”, “If I don’t continue to rent this apartment, I won’t have anywhere to live”, “If I stop communicating with this person, then I won’t who will communicate. At the same time, these excuses look, at least, ridiculous. If you think about it, each of the potential changes is not a danger, but an opportunity:

1. Changing jobs will allow you to more realize your true abilities, find your true calling, as well as change the situation and find a better paying job, where there will be no such annoying and harsh bosses, where your work will be appreciated.

2. Moving to another apartment will allow you to improve your own living conditions, move to the area of ​​the city that you like, return home from work not like hard labor, only to “sleep and not see this horror”, but do it with joy and absolute certainty that you all deserve this happiness.

3. Breaking off communication with a person with whom you absolutely do not want to communicate will not only not harm you, but will even benefit you, since you will not need to waste your energy. Believe me, you are not united in the fear of not finding a worthy interlocutor. Many people generally protect themselves with a huge wall when others try to talk to them. Many worthy of you (by interests and intellectual level) people are looking for you! Don't waste your time on " energy vampires”, from communication with them you will not endure any benefit for yourself. If you have not found potential interlocutors, you should turn your attention to interest clubs, which are being created innumerable today, especially on the Internet.

The absence of a goal in a person leads to the fact that he, like a buoy, chaotically floats along the waves of life. If you ask such a person a couple of questions, like: “Why do you live?”, “What do you want to achieve?”, “What is your true purpose?”, he will usually just shrug his shoulders and say, “I don’t know.” If you do not want to be like such an amorphous person, you will definitely need a goal.

Basic requirements for the goal:

1. The goal must be achievable. For example, the purchase of a three-room apartment. What are you talking about, given goal unattainable for you? Leave! This is only at first glance. If you really want to - you can fly into space. Do you think that this goal is unattainable only by reasoning from your current position affairs. However, if you show high level aspirations and perseverance, you will improve your skills, achieve career growth, and eventually reach your goal. But what if suddenly you really feel that you do not have time to save up for a three-room apartment? Then refer to the second requirement for the goal.

2. The goal must be flexible. If you fail to reach high purpose, then you will surely achieve smaller goals - even if it is not a three-room apartment in the city center, but “only” a two-room apartment in one of the parts of the city, the main thing is that you feel cozy and comfortable in it. Does this indicate that you have not achieved your goals? No, you just corrected this goal a little.

3. The goal must be specific. Compare two options for goal setting:
- “In the future I will significantly improve my financial situation”;
- “In 3 years I will increase my level of income by 30%”.
Which one do you think is more specific? I think you yourself understand everything.

4. You must believe in your goal yourself. You should not choose as the main goal, in the achievability of which you do not believe. First of all, think about what you really want to achieve, and then start formulating your goals. Start with a small goal, after which you can set a bigger goal for yourself.
Clear knowledge of your goals key factor to deal with the coming crisis.

6. Get support. You probably remember the ancient parable about the broom, in which the main idea was that one person is very easy to break, but if there is another person next to him who will support in difficult moment, then they are not afraid of any troubles. It is absolutely not necessary to have many friends, the reliability of which you cannot be 100% sure of, it is enough that you have 1 friend, but always ready to support in difficult times, and your phrase: “I feel so terrible right now” will answer without hesitation : "Understood, I'm leaving." If you have such friends, then appreciate them, or better, call right now, find out how they are doing, if everything is in order. And, most importantly, be prepared to give your time and energy for a friend without asking for anything in return.

7. Work out in yourself volitional qualities . No crisis will be able to cope with you if you are always psychologically prepared for its arrival. You should carefully work on developing in yourself such qualities as stress resistance, perseverance in achieving a goal, the ability to find alternative solutions. The problem with many people is that at the first signal of a crisis, they surrender to it, as if they were just waiting for it. However, those people who are ready to give a real fight to the crisis and emerge victorious from this fight, no matter what it costs them, are able to achieve high results in life. To get out of a crisis, a person often needs to give all his time to fight it, endure unrealistic loads, sometimes even humiliation, but that character, that desire for victory, driven by these people, can work wonders. Remember - the one who does not give up wins. If it takes stubbornness to change your current situation - show it, do your best to improve the situation, do not be afraid of change.

8. Be yourself. Very often, people consider the inability to achieve goals that their neighbor, relatives, or acquaintances could achieve as a crisis. We so regularly strive to be like other people that we completely forget about our uniqueness and uniqueness.

“My neighbor drives a brand new Nissan, and I can't even buy a Zhiguli… I'm so poor, I'm so unhappy” - a typical thought of a person who does not live his own life. Well, first of all, buying a new car was main goal your neighbor. And is this your goal? Or, perhaps, you are simply (forgive me for being frank) “pressed by a toad” because one of your acquaintances has certain benefits, but you do not? If purchasing a car is not your goal, see paragraph five of this article. What difference does it make that you don't have a car if it's not your goal?! If you need it so much, add it to your list of life goals and gradually achieve it, save n-th amount of money to buy it, or take a car loan. Secondly, never look up to other people. Just make every possible effort to achieve your goal, constantly comparing yourself with other people can lead you to neuroses.

You are who you are and you have no one to justify yourself to. You are living the life you have chosen for yourself. You don't like your life? Then do everything to change the situation! Do not expect magic - it happens only in a fairy tale. And in real life You take full responsibility for your life.
The main rule is to have the courage to meet the crisis with dignity, remember that “everything passes - and this will pass”, never increase the real danger of a crisis, always be ready to act.

Psychologists define a crisis as a moment of realization that "the old way is no longer desirable, but the new way is not yet possible." The traditional definition of a crisis three years, when a child defines his personality in the world around him, adolescence crisis, a crisis of ambition in people from 22 to 28 years old, a crisis of first maturity - 33 years old, and a midlife crisis that overtakes closer to forty years. The latter is perhaps one of the most complex and controversial phenomena. developmental psychology. It is important to recognize it in time, understand the causes and find ways to successfully get out of it.

I want to “live my life in such a way that later it would not be excruciatingly painful for the aimlessly lived years” - this phrase from the novel “How the Steel Was Tempered” can become a kind of motto for a midlife crisis. After all, it is precisely “having gone through half of earthly life” that a person evaluates his past, analyzes the present and estimates his possibilities for the future. How many can boast that all their life plans and dreams of youth have been realized? Hardly. A midlife crisis exposes everything we've never done, reveals us to who we are. Exactly on average age accounts for more than half of divorces and prolonged depressions, at this time, women can start drinking and getting fat, and men find mistresses, or, waving their hands, move to finish their lives on the sofa.

The psychology of everyone individual person is individual, and therefore the age limits of the crisis, as well as the features of its course, may differ.

“The takeoff, then the landing…”

Men approach the fatal line in the period from 38 to 45 years. Signs of a progressive crisis: growing irritability, discontent, isolation, throwing, falling into childhood, new, unusual hobbies before. A manner of grasping at some undertakings appears; the desire to change jobs and even areas of activity is punctuated by attempts to return to what they did, say, in their senior years of university. Attacks of melancholy alternate with periods of splashing energy, which they try to find use. Unfortunately, in most cases, men begin to blame their family, in particular, their wife, for the fact that they did not do something in life. They remember how, because of marriage, they quit playing in a rock band, or did not leave to enter graduate school in St. Petersburg. It's funny that in half the cases during that period they did not even know their wives. Anyway, it's all the woman's fault. For their part, women, trying to distract a man from the crisis, give birth to a second or third child, take their husbands on trips abroad, try to load them with domestic problems, and at a certain stage, all this helps quite well. But really, it's just a delay. real solution Problems.

Read " Midlife crisis in men»

It is important for a man to realize his role in this life, in the family, in the profession, and - most often more importantly - in a philosophical sense. So that he does not have a sense of collapse, help is needed, followers are needed - and a woman in this situation cannot be limited to a rear role. She must take an active position, convince the man that he is not a loser at all. On the contrary, everything he did in life is important and necessary. Since the vicious circle "home - work - home" is familiar, monotonous and boring, you need to change the situation more often, look for new emotions and new ways to release energy. It is during this transitional time that many men begin to seriously engage in sports: skiing and snowboarding, swimming, hiking, hunting, for others yoga, Tibetan monk exercises or just jogging. Along with the tone of the body, the tone of the spirit also returns. negative emotions come out with sweat, and the body is charged with freshness and strength. For men who approach the problem of the midlife crisis in the right way, it can be a new birth, the starting point of a new, more happy life. If you competently sum up the results of the first half of your life, it turns out that there are undertakings that promise both self-development and the conquest of new heights. Just sometimes a lost man may not see this, and someone must gently turn his head in the right direction.

In pursuit of youth

Otherwise, there is a midlife crisis in women. It comes earlier, in the early thirties. If a man in such a period is concerned about self-determination, then a woman is worried about leaving youth and the fear of imminent old age. Unfortunately, cosmetology is not omnipotent in the face of time. But mature woman beautiful in her own way: she is wise, interesting, she knows and can do a lot, and sex life on biological reasons blooms for real only by the age of thirty.

The crisis of married and unmarried women manifests itself in different ways. Successful but lonely business women sometimes begin to regret their choice and realize that social Darwinism led them to the wrong path. After all, it is not for nothing that they say that “if by the age of forty a person’s room is not filled with children’s voices, then it is filled with nightmares.” This frightening phrase reveals all the horror female loneliness. At the moment of crisis, many women change, suddenly discovering new sides in themselves, become devoted wives and caring mothers. So the warmth of the family hearth - the best rescue from the misfortunes of life. But there is another side of the crisis: it is at this time that women leave their families. Those who are not ready to bury themselves in diapers and saucepans, and feel that they are capable of more, can wake up one fine morning - and leave home, like the heroines of Henrik Ibsen's plays, to start a new full-blooded existence.

Read " The crisis of 30 years in women»

A huge role in overcoming this period in women, of course, is played by her beloved and loving man. He, like no other, can convince her that she is still beautiful, young and attractive. The husband should take on some of the chores around the house, unload a slightly faded and tired woman so that she has time to take care of herself. Again, sports, fitness, dancing, new hobbies, interesting hobbies help a woman shine new force. The opportunity to give yourself a few hours a week is the best therapy for married woman immersed in caring for hearth. A man who understands the state of his life partner and helps her, "at the exit" will receive a rejuvenated, strong woman with burning eyes - the very one he once loved, but only wiser, more mature.

Successfully overcoming a midlife crisis depends on two main factors - the support of loved ones and permanent job above oneself. If a person did not give up until the moment of the crisis, did what he loved and surrounded himself the right people, he will pass the matriculation exam without hindrance. The crisis exposes the mistakes and shortcomings of the past, and therefore its foundation is laid from youth. Successful overcoming of the crisis, new horizons, clear sky over your head and pure thoughts!

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