However, we must think: why did the holy fathers, teachers of the Church, pay so much attention to this sin? What exactly are we doing when we judge others? And how can we, if not get rid of, then at least begin to fight this evil in our souls?
About condemnation - another conversation with the editor-in-chief of our magazine, abbot Nektariy (Morozov).
—Father Nektary, we have already tried to determine the reasons for the prevalence of this sin here — but are there others?
The sin of condemnation is common, as is the sin of lying, like all the sins that we commit solely by word. These sins are convenient, easy to commit, because, unlike sins committed by deeds, they do not require any special conditions, circumstances - our language is always with us. It seems to me that there are two main reasons for condemnation: first, no matter what we think or say about ourselves, we actually feel very well our imperfection, we understand that we do not reach what we would like to be. For a non-believer, this feeling of one’s own imperfection lies in one plane, for a believer, a church-going person, in another: we understand that we do not live the way Christians should live, our Christian conscience convicts us of this. And here there are two ways: either selflessly work on yourself in order to achieve peace with your conscience, or condemn others in order to look at least a little better against their background; in order thus to assert oneself at the expense of one's neighbor. But here the spiritual law comes into play, about which the holy fathers wrote a lot: looking at the sins of others, we stop noticing our own. And having ceased to notice our own sins and shortcomings, we become especially ruthless to the sins and shortcomings of others.
Why were the saints so compassionate towards the infirmities of their neighbors? Not only because in their hearts lived Divine love, but also because they themselves, on own experience learned how difficult it is to overcome sin in oneself. Through this terrible internal struggle, they could no longer condemn someone who fell: they understood that they themselves could fall or fell, maybe in the past in exactly the same way. Abba Agathon, when he saw a man who had sinned, always said to himself: “Look how he fell: you will fall in the same way tomorrow. But he, most likely, will repent, but will you have time to repent?
This is one reason for condemnation, and the other is the abundance of very real reasons for condemnation. Man is a fallen being, corrupted by sin, and there are always enough examples of behavior worthy of condemnation. Another question - deserving whose condemnation? Divine judgment, yes. And we - do we have the right to condemn?
— But how not to condemn when faced with baseness, meanness, rudeness, savage cruelty?.. In such cases, condemnation is a natural self-defense of a human being.
- That's it - natural. And to be a Christian, you need to overcome your nature. And live in some supernatural way. We cannot do it ourselves, but with God's help everything is possible.
“And deal with judgment too, of course; but what do we ourselves have to do for this?
- First of all, do not give yourself the right to judge someone, remember that judgment belongs to God. It is very difficult in fact, each of us knows how difficult it is not to give ourselves the right to judge. Remember the gospel commandment: do not judge, lest you be judged (Matt. 7:1). There is such an example from the patericon: a monk, who was considered the most negligent in the monastery, died in such silence of heart, in such peace with God, in such joy that the brethren were at a loss: how is it, after all, you did not live as an ascetic at all, why did you so you die? He replied: yes, I did not live very well, but I never condemned anyone. The fear of being condemned is the barrier that one can set up for oneself in order not to sin with condemnation.
But personally, I am close to the way of dealing with condemnation, which I spoke about Reverend Anatoly Optinsky. He clothed him in short formula: have pity - and you will not condemn. As soon as you begin to feel sorry for people, the desire to condemn them disappears. Yes, it is not always easy to regret, but without it one cannot live like a Christian. You are talking about the natural self-defense of man from evil; yes, we suffer from evil, from the sin of others, we feel sorry for ourselves, we are afraid, and we want to defend ourselves. But if we are Christians, we must understand - in this case not so much we, but the one who does evil, is unhappy. After all, he will have to answer for this evil in some terrible way, perhaps. When this truly Christian pity for a sinning person is born, the desire to condemn disappears. And in order to learn to regret, in order to force your heart to this pity, you must pray for this person. This has long been known: you start to pray, and the desire to condemn disappears. The words that you may still be speaking are not already filled with such destructive force with which they were filled before, and then you stop saying them altogether. But it is worth forgetting about prayer - and the condemnation, which has already sunk deep, again breaks out to the surface.
- And what else is needed, besides praying for enemies - in order to melt aggression, anger into pity for them? Perhaps a vision of one's own sinfulness?
– Another Optina elder, the Monk Ambrose, who liked to clothe his spiritual lessons in a half-joking form, said this: “Know yourself - and it will be with you.” In the soul, in the heart of each of us, there is such an immense world, a world that needs to be dealt with during earthly life. We have so much to do with ourselves, and how often we do not find the time or energy for this. But when we are taken for other people, for the analysis of their sins, for some reason there is time and strength. Judging others is The best way distract from ourselves, from work on ourselves, which in fact should be our most important business.
Reading about the saints, you often think: how did he, this saint, live in the very crucible of temptations, in the very thick of human sin, besides, hundreds, thousands of people confessed to him, committing, perhaps, terrible sins- and he seemed not to notice all this, lived as if it did not exist? And he was busy correcting, cleansing from sin a tiny particle of this world - himself. And therefore he was not disposed to deal with the sins and infirmities of other people. And to pray - yes, he prayed for them and therefore regretted it. For me, Archimandrite Kirill (Pavlov) will always remain a visible example of such a life - a man from whom it was almost impossible to hear a word of condemnation. He just never appreciated anyone! Although he confessed great amount bishops, clergy, monastics, just Orthodox laity. He did not judge anyone, firstly, because he was sorry, and secondly, because he was always busy mourning his own sins. Sins that were not noticeable to us, but were noticeable to him.
- However, we all have to talk about the people around us, judge them, understand them, and finally - this is necessary both in personal life (so as not to break firewood in it, not to make ourselves and our loved ones unhappy), and at work (so that, for example, not to entrust a case to a person who cannot be trusted). We have to talk about someone's qualities out loud, discuss them - again, both at work and at home, you can't get away from this. Where is the line between a necessary and adequate discussion and condemnation of a person?
– St. Basil the Great formulated a wonderful principle that determines when we have the right to say something negative about a person and not fall into the sin of condemnation. This is possible in three cases: firstly, when we see the need to tell our neighbor about his lack or sin for his own good, in order to help him. Secondly, when his infirmities should be told to someone who can correct him. And thirdly, when it is necessary to warn of his shortcomings to those who may suffer from them. When we talk about hiring, about being appointed to a position, or about getting married, this falls under the third paragraph of this “rule”. Solving these questions, we think not only about ourselves, but also about the business and about other people, about what harm our mistake in a person can cause them. But as far as work is concerned, it is especially important to be as objective and impartial as possible, so that our personal, selfish motives do not mix with our assessment of a person. How fair can we be here? How much can it be fair man? As Abba Dorotheos said, the crooked rule and the straight twist. There is always the possibility of error. But even if we are as objective and fair as possible, even if our judgment about a person is absolutely correct, we still have a lot of opportunities to sin. For example, we can speak about a person fairly, but with passion, with anger. We may be quite right, but to some extent critical situation to be absolutely merciless guilty person and that would also be a sin. It practically never happens that we express our opinion about a person - even if it is unbiased, fair, objective - and we would not have a need to return to these words of ours when we come to the temple for confession.
I cannot but say again about Father Kirill. When asked questions about specific people(for example, about difficult situations connected with other people) - he never answered immediately, there was always a distance between the question and the answer. Father Kirill did not just think about the answer, he prayed that the answer would be correct, he gave himself time to calm down own feelings in order to respond not from their own spiritual movement proceeding, but precisely according to God's will. There is a proverb: "Speech is silver, silence is gold." But Father Kirill weighed his words about people on such scales that they came from silence and remained gold. Now, if any of us tries to speak about others exclusively in this way, with such a measure of responsibility, then his word will be cleansed of human passions, and he, perhaps, will not sin with condemnation, mercilessness, anger, with what we usually sin in such cases.
Is there righteous anger?
- An example of righteous anger is given to us by the 1st Book of Kings, this is the wrath of the holy prophet of God Elijah. However, we see that the Lord, although He shut up the sky through the prayers of the prophet and there was no rain, wanted something else: He wanted His prophet to learn love. Mercy and love are more pleasing to God than righteous anger. Saint Isaac the Syrian writes: "Never call God fair, He is not fair, He is merciful." And we, feeling the rising anger, must remember this. Unfortunately, we periodically meet people - sincere believers, Orthodox, but convinced that Orthodoxy should be with fists. These people refer, as a rule, to Joseph Volotsky, to his views on the fight against heresies, which even led to the execution of heretics in Russia (thank God that this was not included in the system, it remained only a single episode, because there was a counterbalance - the point of view Nil of Sora), St. Nicholas, who allegedly slapped the heretic Arius on the cheek (although historically this episode is doubtful), and, finally, John Chrysostom, who called to block the mouth of the blasphemer with a blow. But all these examples are the exception, not the rule. And if we remember the consistent teaching of the holy fathers, remember the Gospel, we know that all who take the sword will perish by the sword (Matthew 26:52). If the blow to the cheek of Arius was indeed inflicted, it was perhaps a manifestation of jealousy on the part of the archbishop of the Lycian Worlds - but where in modern man, strenuously urging "to consecrate the hand with a blow", such confidence - as if he possesses the virtues of St. Nicholas? Where did we get that for St. John Chrysostom this was the norm, and not the exception - "to block the mouth with a blow"? Therefore, we do not need to "sanctify our hands" and block other people's mouths with blows. No need to hit anyone Orthodox faith". For the Orthodox faith, you need to beat only your own sin. It is a very big temptation to direct anger not to fight with oneself, but to fight with others. If we fight not with others, but with our own sin, we will break the chain of evil, hatred, fear, we will not continue, but break it. Lord, would you like us to have fire come down from heaven and destroy them, just as Elijah did? But He, turning to them, rebuked them and said: You do not know what kind of spirit you are (Luke 9:54-55).
“Perhaps we can say this: only a saint has the right to righteous anger?
- Paisius Svyatogorets said: “What spiritual person the less rights he has. It is from our point of view that we can talk about some special rights ah of a holy man in relation to others, and the saints themselves did not count any special rights for themselves. On the contrary, in the lives we read how the saint, as soon as he uttered a word condemning another person, immediately fell to his knees and repented of involuntary sin.
- If our neighbor offends us, causes us pain or some kind of damage - should we tell him about it, and if necessary, then how can we avoid condemning him?
“I don’t think it’s necessary to endure in silence in situations like this. Because wordless, uncomplaining patience of sorrows brought by neighbors is only possible for people perfect life. If a neighbor hurts us, why not invite him to talk, figure it out, ask him if he thinks we are wrong in some way, have we offended him with something ourselves? When both people are well-intentioned, the situation will be resolved. But if a person hurts us deliberately and maliciously, there are two ways: try to neutralize him or, perhaps, tolerate him, if we can. If not, get out from under the blow - there is no sin in this. The Savior Himself commanded: When they persecute you in one city, flee to another (Matthew 10:23). In order to protect ourselves from the evil caused by a person, we sometimes just need to stop opening up to him. Lower the visor so that it prevents him from inflicting on us that blow that will bring evil - not only to ours, but also to his soul.
— The sin of lying and slander is directly connected with the sin of condemnation. I was struck by the fact that Abba Dorotheos and other spiritual writers used the word "lie" in a somewhat different meaning, not in the one we are used to. For us, a lie is undertaken with some (once even good) purpose. deliberate deceit. For them - something that we very rarely notice behind ourselves: irresponsible pronunciation, the speaking of certain words, either corresponding to the truth, or not; saying this in the usual flow of our idle talk, we do not even think about whether our words about other people correspond to reality. Backbiting, gossip, "washing the bones" - all from this opera. How to get behind this?
- This is a question about the attentiveness of our life, about how we listen to ourselves. At attentive person the tendency to frivolous, hasty judgments disappears. If a person lives without thinking, he goes from one confusion to another. St. Isaac the Syrian called confusion the chariot of the devil: in confusion, like on a chariot, the enemy drives into our souls and turns everything in them upside down. And the inverted person judges others according to his first impulse, without giving himself the trouble to reflect on the justice of his judgments.
We often begin to judge others from our own weakness - we are overcome by fatigue from insults, from blows, from pain, and we break down and begin to discuss these wounds with someone. Endure for a while, do not tell anyone about your offense - and perhaps condemnation will die in you. And there will come a weakening, rest for the soul. But we do not find the strength in ourselves to endure, and here another spiritual law is triggered, which the holy fathers speak of: by condemning, you are deprived of God's help, grace-filled cover. And almost always you yourself commit the sin for which you condemned another person. The fear of losing God's help is another of our helpers in overcoming the sin of condemnation. The wonderful Elder Ephraim of Katunak served the Divine Liturgy throughout his life every day and each time he experienced it as a unique joyful event for himself and the whole world. But somehow I did not feel divine joy - why? “One brother came to me, we discussed the actions of the bishops with him and condemned someone,” this is how he explained it. He began to pray, felt that the Lord was forgiving him, and said to himself: “If you want to lose the Liturgy again, condemn it.”
You have already spoken about the abundance of reasons for condemnation. How to avoid heart anger, watching what is happening with our society, with the country, knowing about the colossal corruption, watching the demoralization of society, deliberate, for commercial purposes, corrupting the youth? This is civic pain, civic protest, but it is also anger - do we sin with it?
- The feeling you are talking about is very close and understandable to me. And I'm looking for an answer to this question. The reason for the moral state of our society is, after all, in us too. But if we accepted an unrighteous life as normal, if we felt good now, we would have no justification at all. We are accustomed to dividing the history of our country into two parts: before the catastrophe of 1917 (this is like a good life) and after - this is our life, bad. But let's ask ourselves the question: what, before the revolution religious life people - everything, from top to bottom - was perfect? The people themselves departed from the living faith, no one dragged them by the hand. This means that the people themselves made a choice and got what they chose. And the example of the Israeli people tells us about this: when the Jews betrayed the One God, they suffered disasters, oppression, found themselves in slavery; when they rejected his Son, they were scattered throughout the world. Imagine if we had an ideal government now, it would thoughtfully take care of the people, prosperity would come ... We would become cleaner, more righteous, closer to God? No. But, if we were so far from God in conditions of at least relative prosperity, His judgment would be harsher on us. The Lord, perhaps, sends us all this, our whole life, so that we finally understand that we do not need to rely on "princes, on the sons of men" - we need to rely only on Him. So that from this thought we turn to Him and change for the better. Condemns the one who thinks he is worthy a better life, better people, the best authorities, who thinks: everything is fine with me, but here they are ... But in fact, you need to start with yourself. Because you can't fix anything in this world until you fix yourself.
Journal "Orthodoxy and Modernity", No. 23 (39), 2012
We all know very well that gossip is a great sin and we should not engage in it. But in reality, it turns out that we do it subconsciously, not realizing where the boundaries begin.
What is gossip and where does it start? The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “(gossip) is what you say behind your brother’s back from what he does not like.”
One of the companions asked: “And if what I say about him is true?” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) replied: “If what you say about him is present in him, then it is a gheeba, and if it is not in it, then it is slander.”
Spreading gossip about people is like destroying a person behind their back. The Quran says: “O you who believe! Avoid many assumptions, for some assumptions are sinful. Do not follow each other and do not gossip behind each other's backs. Would any of you like to eat the meat of your dead brother if you feel disgusted by it? Fear Allah! Verily, Allah is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful” (Quran 49:12).
Many justify gossip by saying that what they say is true. When a person constantly justifies himself In a similar way, he keeps spreading rumors about others. Even if a person knows something bad about another, it is not appropriate for a Muslim to aggravate the situation and spoil his reputation. True Muslim pray to the Almighty for a person whom he considers to have stumbled.
Don't forget the pernicious sin of gossiping, these tips will help you avoid it in your life:
Finally, put yourself in the place of the person being gossiped about. You don't know everything, you don't know why he did it, maybe he had reasons for it, and you condemn him so easily. How would you feel if you knew you were being judged behind your back?
I confess, sometimes it is very pleasant to discuss friends with your husband and come to the conclusion that they obviously live wrong. But it will be sad if all our conversations with my husband come down to a discussion of friends and acquaintances.
Of course, discussions, gossip and condemnation of others are not welcome and are considered ugly. But I don't know anyone who hasn't suffered from this bad habit. Unfortunately, subjectivity is human nature.
But one of my acquaintances is too keen on this "hobby", so it became impossible to communicate with her. She lives someone else's life. But there are so many in the world different cultures and religions - it is not surprising that people differ from each other. It's much easier to condemn them and raise them that way own self-esteem. The famous theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer said: "... condemning others, we are blind to our own misfortunes and grace."
It is better to pay close attention to your own failures and mistakes: working with them will be much more productive for you. Therefore, psychologists have developed several rules that will help you end this bad habit.
1. Analyze.
The first thing you must do is understand the nature of these thoughts. After all, it all starts with a thought. And, if you get too carried away, you may lose the respect of your friends and loved ones. Try to realize that everyone is imperfect. Although all people live on the same planet, breathe the same air and have the same body structure - we are all different! The main difference is inner world, which a person creates on his own. If you realize this, you can get rid of the habit of judging others.
2. More self-criticism.
Do we have the right to judge other people? Do we really know "what is right"? I don't think so. If you notice a habit of judgment in yourself, then you need to ask yourself the question - “Why?”. Why do you need to judge others?
3. Forgive them.
I know for myself how difficult it is to get rid of this habit. But try replacing judgment with forgiveness. People who are prone to criticism often simply take offense at those who are condemned. To begin with, you should forgive yourself - after all, by judging others, we simply transfer our own thoughts to them. inner feeling anger and resentment. Over time, this will help you build respectful relationship with yourself and other people.
4. Try to get into someone else's skin.
Each person has his life path. And it's very easy to judge when you're in the right place. Most likely you have no idea what you are talking about. Try to imagine the circumstances in which the person you are criticizing operates. Maybe a helping hand is needed here, not criticism?
5. Set a goal.
Set a goal to break the habit of judgment. Believe me - you are strong enough in spirit for this. Engage in more useful thing then you will be too busy to think about other people. You simply will not have time for negative thoughts - new responsibilities and interests will push them out of your head.
6. Find out the facts.
Unfortunately, it's easiest to criticize when you don't know how to complete information. If you don't want to look like an ordinary gossip, then try to refrain from discussions until you have full information. Maybe, having found out all the facts, you decide to help the person and will not condemn him.
7. Have compassion.
Many mistakenly believe that compassion is a sign of weakness, but this is not true. When you are compassionate, you automatically look for ways to help the person. It is a medicine that will help you stop criticizing and judging other people. Compassion will make you a wise, noble and beautiful person.
Like everyone, I had a problem with spending so much time discussing and judging other people. Seeing that this was becoming an unhealthy habit, I began to work on myself and got rid of the heavy burden of judging.
Have you ever struggled with this habit? Were you able to get rid of it?
“Judge not, lest you be judged…” Today there is little life left in this phrase. The flywheel of condemnation still works on full power. Can it be slowed down and save humanity from the destructive power of criticism and gossip?
Condemnation from the point of view of psychology is a concentrate of aggression and destruction
How to resist a wave of accusations against relatives, colleagues, passers-by, celebrities? And is it necessary? After all, I want to express my opinion. Help people become better, smarter, more successful. Through other people's situations to remember life principles and firmly establish themselves in them.
Criticism and condemnation often have a positive motive. They come from the desire to show “how to do it right”. Sometimes healthy, well-founded remarks really contribute to the growth of all participants in the “conflict”. But the reality is that most people aggressively attack each other. We teach someone about life from the position “I am smarter than you”, forgetting that people are different, like snowflakes, with their own unique experience behind them.
Blame is a senseless struggle for non-existent correctness. We evaluate a person in our coordinate systems, but will he agree with us? Reaction to condemnation best case equals indifference. More often the “victim” starts to get angry. She can understand that she is wrong, inexperienced and makes the wrong decisions. But when she is attacked with teachings, albeit with good intentions, rejection occurs.
When we begin to condemn, we take on a wave of negative emotions of another person and send him back fire. Everyone begins to defend their positions, trying to prick the opponent as painfully as possible. harsh criticism and accusation leads to destruction. And it's not just about human relationships.
Your personality suffers, which breaks down from the addiction to follow the lives of other people. It is more difficult to observe oneself, it is unpleasant to admit one's mistakes. One's own life becomes a backyard, and the person himself in it no longer main character. In addition, added eternal problems with time, self-determination and health.
Every day, negative events pass through the critic, someone else's unpleasant experience is lived. This cannot but affect the physical and mental state. Illness, failure in business and Bad mood become regular guests of those who are addicted to condemnation.
How to stop judging people: the world starts with you
To go from minus to plus and become happy, conscious person, recognize the "mirror principle" - everything that we see around us is our reflection. The world consists of thoughts and assessments that are stored in our heads.
Therefore, if you are going to condemn someone, remember - where in your life did such a situation hide? Are you blaming others for things you couldn't do yourself?
It's hard to be able to see your dark side in another person. You always want to quickly shake off someone's dust and throw dirt after it.
But what if we change our approach?
What if you look deep into yourself and know your demon? Shake his hand, accept his imperfection and learn to live together, helping each other. Know yourself fully and love the way you are. This will help you build relationships with yourself and, therefore, with those around you.
More about dark side in our video:
Accept yourself any. It will become easier for you to feel the problem of other people and understand their motives. With acceptance comes understanding: everyone acts the way they know how, based on their knowledge.
Open up and learn new things
Criticism, accusation, gossip are born from a lack of knowledge. Try to view events and people with different parties. Study other cultures, ask the interlocutor clarifying questions. Learn more about the world around you.
Sympathize
When a person makes mistakes and, in your opinion, behaves incorrectly, turn off the blame. Put the inner judge to sleep and bring out the compassionate part of you.
Try to understand what led your neighbor to drink, and what little Hitler lacked to grow up not so cruel. We often judge people for lacking love and support. And by their actions they are trying to get a lack of attention.
Be flexible in your right
Check yourself - are your beliefs too tight? “It must be so, and nothing else. Who deviated from the course - to be shot. This is the position of many critics.
In order not to judge, you need to soften your conservatism, become more flexible and learn to take the other side. It is not necessary to convert to a different faith or do the same things. You don't even have to love the person you accused. Enough to let it be. And calmly move on.
Make up your own mind, don't use labels
What is gossip? One person tells unpleasant stories about someone. And his interlocutor actively nods his head and begins to think the same way. Do not give in to other people's opinions about people and events. Make up your own, talk to the “bad” person, find out his idea of the situation. Say "NO" to stereotypes and labels!
unite
You do not like someone, and really want to teach him life, point out shortcomings? Start thinking in a different direction. Find common ground. Common interests, similar habits, outlook, one passion, related professions. Unification leaves no room for condemnation. You switch the focus of attention to the positive and forget about criticism.
Return of energy through the rejection of gossip
When you refuse judgment, especially around your girlfriends, you are giving yourself a luxurious gift. Gossip takes away feminine energy. During such conversations, it seems as if there was a release, she spoke out. But later you feel emptiness, apathy, you don’t want to do business, the world seems dull ...
Close this energy faucet. There is no need to waste female forces when they are needed for yourself, creativity, home, loved ones.
Remember the World Without Complaints marathon? I had to wear a purple bracelet for a month. As soon as complaints began, gossip - put it on the other hand. Get yourself a marathon. Get your girlfriends involved so you can control each other and not go back to the old swamp. Or assign yourself a fine for gossip and in case of a breakdown, pay it to your husband. These marches of awareness will change your life.
Every time you feel like blaming, criticizing, teaching someone about life, stop. Ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? What benefit will my words bring to this person? Look at your interlocutor from the position of an equal, remember that he sees the world differently. Learn to respect other people as well as yourself. Then there will be no room for judgment in your life.
Post update. I would rewrite this post a little, because. some of it is too chaotic and everything is in a heap. But there is no time yet and a coherent understanding of how best to rewrite is also not there, so I’ll leave it as it is, there is a lot of valuable information here.
The topic of non-judgment is one of the most difficult to implement.
But often condemnation sits in us for years in relation to close person- to parents, children, partner, friends.
Probably, relatives or those in relation to whom we act as rescuers, we condemn most and most of all. The most common is because they live in the wrong way, with the wrong thing, they do the wrong thing, for spoiling their lives, for not loving us enough or not loving us like that. But the rescuers there have their own hellish triangle - Karmpana "Rescuer - Persecutor - Victim", along which they can walk along the edges at least several times a day, at least once every six months. And even if in the beginning there were seemingly harmless motives for salvation without explicit condemnation, then all the same, then a more obvious condemnation appears, because. the rescuer always considers the other by default more deficient. There are also such tricks of consciousness, psychoprotection, that the other is stronger and more pumped, but the rescuer feels stronger. And often there is not only condemnation for the fact that the other leads some kind of self-destructive mode of action, not for the actions of that person as such, but for the attitude towards him, the rescuer, which he does not like.
It often happens like this: people mess up themselves - they are in an imbalance in relationships, stick to someone who does not want to have something in common with them, teach them how to live, arrange disputes, quarrels and scandals, climb into the boundaries of other people, and then in response get a behavior they don't like and start judging that person.
The topic of condemnation has a lot to do with our external locus of control, our own egoism, categoricalness, pride (a sense of self-importance). It is connected both with our capacity and with the ability to switch.
Usually the person whom we condemn and with whom we have dialogues in our heads is the one on whom we ourselves depend, the one whose figure is large enough. Some try to practice forgiveness in relation to the one whom they condemn, that is, how to stand on top of him in the crown (in terms of Evolution, i.e. psychoprotection) “I am stronger”, but often they are even more attached to the person and all this internal situations. In general, if you get up on top and put on a “white coat”, something like “objectively, I’m right, he’s wrong, but I’m smarter, that’s why I won’t get to the bottom of him with my truth” - this means closing a bunch of real truth, and not this "objective" one. And when you do not see the truth, there is nothing to work with. For example, why a wife condemns her husband is a huge question with a lot of nuances. But just editing the locus and separating the boundaries will help, even without understanding what and how it really is.
I really like this piece from Marina Komissarova:
“Why, from time to time, people with borderline bugs attribute calls to me to“ forgive my parents ”.
I never called for this, you confused me with some kind of saint.
What are you, the judge the Last Judgment to make your highest forgiveness worth something?
You don’t have to forgive your parents, this is also a merging of boundaries, just get away from them if for some reason you can’t communicate with them normally, if they tormented you before or are tormenting you now. It is better to help weak parents if they took care of you in childhood, this is the norm for an adult. But if you were kept in a closet and beaten, you don’t have to take care of such parents, well, to hell with them.
And you don't have to forgive them either. You just have to let go.»
This is from the article Sadistic Parents.
This topic is strongly related to borders.- we believe that if it seems to us that we know what is best, then we have the right to interfere in the lives of other people, to dictate something to them "from above". Or be silent, be shy or afraid to say, but at the same time condemn and dictate within yourself.
And he also conveys this idea well, why it is not necessary to condemn others (and also yourself). Why is this really not necessary in life.
Here's how he deals with the topic:
Why condemnation is self-destruction?
The most the main idea, which Alexander Palienko is trying to convey to us - when we condemn someone, we take his problems and sins upon ourselves.
We are destroying ourselves, our health, our future, bringing our old age closer.
Instead of solving our own problems, approaching the realization of our own conceived program, we solve other people's problems and shorten our lives.
Therefore I am in recent times I try to remember and ask myself the question - Do I really want to take his problems upon myself right now?
In your selfishness and feeling own importance, we believe that there is some kind of universal solution that is equally good for us and for that completely different person. And we try to bring him to him, or we simply condemn him when he behaves differently - for example, he deceives, hurts, somehow else, in our opinion, he acts badly.
But in fact, each person has his own, unique path - which is conceived long before he was born on this planet (I believe in this). He has his genes, his childhood, a set of his qualities and shortcomings, which, developing, he must transform into virtues. Don't compare yourself to him. Everything is completely different from conception and even before it. Every-every minute of his and your life.
This is his program, according to which he goes, good or bad. His bumps and lessons. His gigantic journey, which consists of millions of seconds, many even before his birth. own path and a level of consciousness about which you have no idea even close.
Ask yourself a question: Do I really, not knowing what path he went through, how he went through it, what tasks he had on this earth, what kind of people he faced all these years, I consider myself entitled to dictate to him how to act, or simply have the right to judge him?
Is it true I consider myself such a global super expert that at this point in his life I would now be much better than him, and would I have acted somehow better and more efficiently for the whole huge chain of his life at all stages?
Well, if yes, if you think that you think that after all this you would definitely do better than he did in such a situation, having gone all the way ... Then, probably, you have the right to get his problems and show this person and everyone how they must be passed)
So far, I have drawn some kind of conclusion from what Alexander is talking about.
Here is from him:
"When we
condemn
adjusting
offended
we consult
making excuses
hurry (of someone)
we begin to live by the laws of this person and the one before whom we justify ourselves, under whom we adapt, whom we condemn.
Stay on high frequency energy
Besides the fact that we take other people's problems on ourselves, we are also switching to low-frequency energy- it means that we form in our life not the most pleasant events instead of those that could be if we maintained a neutral attitude and positive.
Remember the movie "The Secret"? There is also an excellent book “Strength” - I will also definitely make a separate post about it, it contains a lot of quotes famous physicists and Nobel laureates about how this world actually works and it is logically justified why you should not switch to low-frequency waves.
So the 4th “magic” rule of Alexander Palienko is about this.
“Searching for the good in everything. The ability to speak creatively and think, then the program of creation begins.
“Our society has raised us in such a way that we are used to looking for flaws in everything and condemning others. Remember what you talk about when you meet in a company? As a rule, there is an expression of dissatisfaction with everything: from neighbors to the government and the president. And the body tunes in to the energy that we constantly use. After all, if a cigarette is taken away from a smoker, then the body will demand it out of habit, although this is harmful.
When we live at the level of condemnation, we move to low frequency vibrations that form negative events. It is necessary to learn to see something positive in all situations: sunny weather, a bird sings beautifully, a suit fits perfectly on a passer-by, etc.
By doing this regularly, we program the subconscious for positive, and the brain begins to snatch positive events from the outside world. The ability to look for beauty in the world, embedded in the subconscious, will guide you through life.
When you come to the store, you will find the best shoes, and when looking for a job, you will choose the most interesting and highly paid, etc.
When you learn to see the positive in life, no matter what happens, you will understand that good comes with bad. S. Lazarev (author of the books “Diagnostics of Karma”) has a phrase: “If you feel good today, then look back. That's where when you felt bad, your good was laid. ”
And here's another from one of recent speeches Alexandra:
“When I looked at people who have large debts and many loans hang on them, it turned out that they have three points in their behavior: boasting, giving advice and condemnation. These three points drive us into loans and debts..»
Loss of energy
Condemning someone, we connect internal dialogue, we walk and many, many times we say everything that remains unsaid and what we think in relation to a person. We take a huge amount of energy from ourselves completely for nothing. And the more the significance of this event and the figure of this person grows, the more energy leaks into this hole.
We see it in ourselves
There is also a very common opinion (which is still difficult for me to understand)). That all around us are people-mirrors. That if we did not have some quality, we would not see them in another. That most of the people in our lives appear on purpose to point us to something.
Well, the fact that at least an egocentric attracts an egocentric, infantile - infantile - I believe in this.
And Alexander Palienko also talks about this:
“If we forgive someone like, and he does it again, then in last time we have not forgiven him. Forgiveness means accepting yourself in that situation. Accept yourself the same. Accept it in yourself.
If something annoys or angers us, we get angry or condemn it in ourselves.
As soon as we work it all out, the subconscious will begin to give other situations where we need to work out our categoricalness and bring it to multitasking.
About weak people (vampires)
It's usually hard not to judge weak people or those who are constantly trying to call you on negative emotions and feeds on them.
“Weak people (vampires): their way of life is to complain, have empty talk, talk about the past, adapt, be offended, make excuses, feel guilty, condemn everyone around, feel sorry for themselves.
When we help the weak, we become weaker ourselves and make these people even more degrading.
When we help the strong, we become stronger.
The difference between the WEAK and the STRONG. In fact, all the weak, but STRONG - can admit this to themselves, and try to take responsibility and change what happens to them. That is, the strong also vampirize from time to time, one way or another, but slightly and admit it.
WEAK - those who are not going to change something, take responsibility and admit to themselves that they behave this way. They try to make excuses or blame everyone around for the fact that they are so bad. For the weak, this is a specific way of thinking and living, and it is from here that they draw energy for themselves.
There will be a separate post about weak people, but for now the essence is that it is better to get rid of the majority of weak people, as far as possible, in general in your life. And then condemnation will also leave you. All the same, all condemnation will not go away from life, enough to work through) But then life will become much easier and more pleasant.
But in general, I can hardly imagine such strong man who endures the weak and aching for a long time. Unless he is strong in the crown of the Savior, and then this situation is quite useful for him to realize this moment. And so - you always want to get rid of it as soon as possible and no longer communicate with such people.
What to do
For now, I'm drawing the following conclusions:
- do not get hung up and learn to switch quickly, learn to share boundaries and get rid of the person AT ALL. Accept his right to do as he pleases.
Rule the locus of control to the internal - do not rely on other people in your life and do not overthink their lives, actions, do not exaggerate, do not get hung up on the influence and ALLEGED influence (which is probably much less than it seems) of other people's actions on you. Realize and admit, voice to myself that I am blaming, judging, scolding the other person and stop and think about what I can do about this situation so that I feel better
- make your life more eventful, pump YOUR resources, so that there is no time to concentrate on the little things. It helps to reduce the degree of egocentrism helping other people, altruism
- be aware of your infantilism and egocentrism, your desire to “get on your hands”, which, perhaps, someone did not like and in response we received behavior that we condemn, OUR dependence on a person, our desire to get something from him - in that including his approval, his inappropriate behavior
– learn gratitude and respect for people and their contributions to our lives, of their own free will
- if you condemn someone and cannot stop - try or remove this communication or this person from your life, if it is not useful, and if possible, switch your attention to other interesting things.
Reduce the degree of tragedy.
In general, work exclusively on yourself.
In this article, I piled everything up) Esotericism, psychology, my own conclusions. Maybe one thing will help someone reduce the number of judgments in their lives, and someone else - something else.
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