This is the main characteristic of codependents, on which all others are based. Hence such a feature of codependents as outward orientation. These people are completely dependent on external evaluations from relationships with others. Codependents do not know how to accept compliments and praise properly. It can even increase their feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Numerous obligations dominate in their minds and lexicons – “I must”, “you must”.
Low self-esteem can be a motive to help others. Since they do not believe that they can be loved and valuable in their own right, they try to "earn" the love and attention of others and become indispensable in the family.
2. The desire to control the lives of others.
Codependents believe that they can control everything in the world. The more chaotic the situation at home, the more efforts are made to control it. They think they can restrain or drug their loved ones.
Codependents are sure that they know better than anyone in the family how events should take place, how other family members should behave. To control others, they use persuasion, threats, coercion, advice, emphasizing the helplessness of others (“my husband will be lost without me”). They inspire others with guilt (“I gave you my whole life, and you ...”) or use gross domination and manipulation.
The problem of personal venality in the professional activity of a psychologist
Trying to take control of uncontrollable events leads to depression. The inability to achieve the goal in matters of control is considered by codependents as their own defeat, as the loss of the meaning of life. Other outcomes of the controlling behavior of codependents are frustration, anger.
Codependents take responsibility for others, while being completely irresponsible in relation to own well-being. They don't eat well, they don't sleep well, they don't see a doctor, they don't know their own needs. Saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he will continue to use alcohol or drugs.
The attempt to "save" never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior for both the codependent and the dependent. Such “concern” for others implies the incompetence, helplessness of the other, his inability to do what the codependent loved one does for him. All this makes it possible for co-dependents to feel constantly necessary, irreplaceable.
4. The senses.
Many behaviors of codependents are motivated by fear, which is the basis of any addiction. For co-dependents, this is the fear of facing reality, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of losing control of life, the fear of the worst. When people are in constant fear, they have a progressive tendency to rigidity of the body, soul. Fear limits freedom of choice. In addition to fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, prolonged despair, indignation, rage, resentment, self-pity, anger also predominate in the emotional palette of codependents. These emotions are called toxic. They are used as defense mechanisms.
Personal qualities of a counseling psychologist
Another one salient feature emotional sphere co-dependent - obnubilation (clouding) of feelings or even a complete rejection of them, helping to increase tolerance negative emotions. Gradually, codependents increase their tolerance for emotional pain. negative feelings due to their intensity, they can generalize and spread to other people. Self-hatred easily arises. Hiding shame, self-hatred can look like arrogance and superiority over others (this is a transformation of feelings).
5. Negation.
Codependents use all forms psychological protection- rationalization, minimization, repression, projection and others, but most of all - denial. They tend to ignore problems or pretend that nothing serious is happening. For example, when parents observe a state of drug intoxication in a son or daughter, they can explain it with anything, but not drug use.
Codependents easily deceive themselves, believe in lies, believe everything they are told, if it corresponds to what they want. They only see what they want to see and hear only what they want to hear. Denial helps co-addicts live in a world of illusion, because the truth is very painful. To deceive oneself is always a destructive process both for oneself and for others. Deception is a form of spiritual degradation. Codependents deny that they have signs of codependence. It is denial that prevents them from asking for help for themselves, delays and aggravates the patient's addiction and keeps the whole family in a dysfunctional state.
Psychologist on Skype
6. Diseases caused by stress.
These are psychosomatic disorders in the form of gastric ulcer and duodenal ulcer, colitis, hypertension, headache, neurocirculatory dystonia, bronchial asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmias. Codependents get sick because they try to control what is basically beyond their control (someone's life). They work hard and spend a lot of energy to survive. Appearance psychosomatic diseases indicates the progression of codependency.
7. The defeat of the spiritual realm.
Spirituality within the concept of codependence is defined as the quality of relationships with the subject (person) or object that is most important in life. The most significant and valuable are relationships with oneself, with family, society and God. If in the patient, as the disease progresses, these relationships and the values associated with them are supplanted by relationships with chemical, then in codependents - pathologically altered relationships with a sick family member.
How to get rid of codependency?
You need to get rid of old habits in behavior. They can contribute to relapse. in this case, it does not focus on one patient, it includes his family. After all, addiction is a family disease, so treatment and prevention should also be family.
Psychological assistance to co-addicts gives them a huge win in the form of recovery and personal growth, as well as their relatives suffering from addiction, and children growing up in the family. For children, this is an essential element in preventing the development of addiction. It should be recalled that children of addicts are at high risk of developing addiction as psychoactive substances, and its non-chemical forms - workaholism, gambling, fanatical commitment to any activity, overeating, love addiction.
Involving the family in therapy speeds up and improves the recovery process of the addicted patient, reduces the level of stress among relatives, and increases the level of family cohesion.
Recommended psychological counseling women in partnerships with men addicted to alcohol. Counseling can translate into long-term productive psychotherapy.
There is ample evidence greater efficiency alcoholism treatment involving social environment, in particular families. The family can both contribute to the recovery of the patient, and "heal" itself.
codependence is a specific condition characterized by intense preoccupation and preoccupation, as well as extreme dependence (emotional, social, and sometimes physical) on a person or object.
Codependency is characterized by:
- excessive preoccupation with someone or something;
- delusions, denial, self-deception;
- an obsessive need to perform certain actions in relation to other people (to patronize, control, suppress, resent, etc.);
- the habit of experiencing the same feelings (self-pity, anger, irritation, etc.);
- "frozen" feelings and related problems in communication, intimate relationships etc.;
- inability to distinguish between responsibility for oneself and for another;
- loss of a sense of internal boundaries (both one's own and others');
- low self-esteem bordering on self-hatred;
- health problems caused by constant stress;
- focus on the external environment;
- inability to ask for help. Work algorithm
S t a d y 1 - What is happening to me?
The client talks about what is happening in his life and what worries him. it initial stage, which can perform the following tasks:
1) problem identification;
2) termination of the “vow of silence”
3) asking for help.S t a d y II - Who am I?
Here the client talks about himself, about his experiences. Tasks are solved:
1) satisfaction of one's own needs as a way of life;
2) the ability to express painful experiences;
3) natural expression of feelings of fear and guilt.S t a d y III - Whom I want to become?
Many changes are possible when a recovering person feels free to choose new beliefs, behaviors, and points of view. Tasks are solved:
1) the recovery process is more of an adventure than a goal;
2) self-forgiveness;
3) forgiveness.Areas of work with co-dependent clients
1. Working with past experience
- Listening;
— Restoration of events;
— Reconstruction of past experience;
— Techniques of art therapy;
— Dramatization;
- Gestalt therapy techniques (empty chair, "shuttle" movement), etc.
An exercise
Make two lists. In the first, list everything that your parents, teachers, or other adults did or said to you while you were growing up that, in your opinion, did not bring you any benefit and even harmed you to some extent. In the second, list everything that your parents, teachers, and other adults didn't say or do for you and what you now think would be good for you if they said and did it.
When you have completed your lists, review them with the following in mind. The items on the first list indicate everything for which you have not forgiven your parents. This is what holds you back and promotes your codependency. The second list is everything that you still hope someone else can do for you. You will have to take care of these things yourself or ask your parents to do it, and if this is not possible, then ask other people to help you meet these needs.
Meditation "I throw away the old messages"
Who told me that I am bad or not what I should be? Am I still letting someone tell me all this?
Take a deep breath and breathe in love, peace and joy. Breathe out negative messages. So, inhale - love, exhale - negative prescriptions. Feel how they hang, break and fade away...
2. Return of responsibility
— Increasing the level of awareness;
— Focus on the potential of the client, his strength and stability;
- Emphasizing its influence on one's own life;
- Provocative techniques, etc.
An exercise
To feel the advantages and disadvantages of 2 positions: "responsibility for others" and "responsible attitude towards others", continue the unfinished sentences:
- being responsible means to me...
- some people are more responsible than others, they are people who…
- irresponsible people are...
- I show my responsibility to others through...
- The most difficult type of responsibility for me is...
- I recognize the responsible person by ...
- the stronger my responsibility, the more I...
- I would be afraid to be responsible for... being responsible to myself is...
- I am responsible for…
An exercise
For a certain period of time, track your sensations, feelings, thoughts, actions, mentally naming them and adding the phrase "And I do it"
3. Setting boundaries
— Setting in therapeutic work;
- Playing distance and setting boundaries in existing relationships with other people in a session with a therapist;
- Acceptance of oneself as a value, the other as individual person etc.
Affirmations that give a sense of acceptance:
The sense of separateness says that you and I are two unique and unconnected individuals. You have your own feelings, attitudes and values. And what you represent is very good in my eyes. And what I am is good in your eyes.
The sense of separateness says you can take care of yourself and I can take care of myself. For each of us, taking care of ourselves is a primary responsibility. I am not responsible for your fate, and you are not responsible for my fate (meaning adult relationships).
If I really care about you and like you, then I'll let you be the captain of your own ship that can keep its own course. If you like me, then you will let me do the same with my life.
I will greatly appreciate if you share your feelings with me, including unpleasant feelings because of what I do or say. But let me decide whether to change my behavior or not.
4. Work with self-esteem
– Research of the client, his qualities and achievements;
– Creating a situation of support and acceptance;
- Work with inner Parent etc.
An exercise
Make a list of your values. Write everything that is important to you. Next, rate from 0 to 100% how much you realize this value in your life (NOT THINKING!!). For example, caring is valuable to me. How capable am I of giving it to people? Let's say 30%. ... set. Another value is money. Implementation by 20%.
Next we put also% how much I want to realize this value in life. Next, we decipher each item: care for me ... we prescribe everything in detail until we fully understand the essence! For example, care is 70% of dissatisfaction: what is included in these 70%. We paint the points in detail: 1) I do not have enough close people nearby. 2) I can't show affection, etc. Everything that comes to mind.
If we value something, but do not implement it in life, there are major failures in self-esteem. It is there that we are most dissatisfied with ourselves.An exercise
Make two lists:
1. 10 qualities, skills, character traits that, in your opinion, helped to achieve any positive changes in your life.
2. 10 qualities, traits, habits that prevent you from achieving what you want in life.
After compiling these lists, answer the question: how do you feel about the same qualities in other people? Is your attitude towards yourself here different from your attitude towards them? Any of our quality in the body exists for a reason. It carries useful feature, so it exists. As long as we do not notice this, we cannot use it, and even harass these traits in ourselves. Usually unsuccessful. I suggest that you do not fight these qualities, but find out what their meaning and purpose are.Take the second list and imagine what each quality on that list actually does. important role. Try to discover, or guess, or come up with which one and why is it important? If you manage to discover, you will see that in fact this quality is your virtue. Now that you know this, you can use it better, at more appropriate times, and without side effects.
If there is a quality that we cannot tolerate in ourselves at all, imagine it in the form of an image. And communicate with this image. Search in this case everything that is useful for you or for others (this will be a way to satisfy some need) And find another way that is more adequate to meet this need.
An exercise
In the left column, type or write carefully, with pressure, slowly your most positive statement, and on the right, write quickly what the treacherous voice of the inner critic whispers.
Keep writing the same statement on the left until the traitorous voice is exhausted.
5. Distinguishing needs
— Increasing the level of awareness of the client;
— Decreased internal control;
- Sensitivity to one's own needs during the session, etc.
An exercise
Imagine that you are completely insane, let go of your inner censor. Mentally describe yourself. What kind of psycho are you? Build the story in the first person, starting with the phrase "I'm completely crazy." Tell your medical history. How did it happen? Where will you end up in this state at the end of your life? Now imagine that your madness is a sophisticated way to satisfy your need. Which one? How do you like this discovery? Finish by separating the fantasy in the exercise from reality.
6. Working with feelings, emotions
- Awareness and expression of feelings and emotions;
— Techniques of art therapy;
— Dramatization;
— Learning how to effectively and acceptable expression emotions, ways of relaxation, techniques of body-oriented therapy. etc.
An exercise
Keep a diary of feelings. Make a list of the feelings you experienced during the day. Record in your diary when you experience each feeling, where you experience it, and any expression of feeling, if any. If you want, you can record only those times when you felt or were aware of a feeling, but did not experience or remember its manifestation. After some time, chart your progress. Note in your diary what feelings you can recognize but can't express. Write down certain feelings that are not on your list.
An exercise
Complete the table by putting your answers in the empty cells. In the second column, describe your possible reactions to the feelings whose names are given in the corresponding cells of the first column. Remember that a reaction is an impulsive, unhealthy behavior designed to stop a particular feeling. In the third column, in the appropriate boxes, describe appropriate responses you could take if you had this feeling. Remember that the response right kind emotional behaviors.
Healthy Ways to Manage Feelings
When you feel angry, frightened, or annoyed, speak up and ask others for what you desire.
Use your feelings as an aid in making decisions.
Identify each feeling separately. Don't use one to block the other.
Own your feelings and take responsibility for your feelings.
Understand that you can think and feel at the same time, and do it.
Recognize your "scandalous" feelings and don't use them to manipulate other people.
Express your feelings right away and don't accumulate them.
Treat your feelings as friends and allies, not enemies to be avoided.
Allow yourself to experience your feelings as they come out as fully as possible.
Do not forget that there are no “bad feelings” and there is an important reason for each of them.
7. Teaching Healthy Relationship Strategies
How to Recognize Codependent and Healthy Messages
Codependent Messages Healthy Messages
You're stubborn. You can ask for what you need.
You must be perfect. You may be wrong.
Hurry. You can't rush.
You have to adapt. You can think whatever you want.
to others.
Apply all your strength. You can do that.
You must be strong. You can feel and have needs.
You are special. You can be yourself.
Work hard. You can play and have fun.
You are confused. You can think and feel at the same time.
You are clueless. You can think and be efficient.
Don't be so selfish. You can be at ease.
You are dumb. You can be creative.
Are you sick or crazy? You can be good.
Always be right. You can admit that you are wrong.
You must not trust others. You can trust others.
Be careful. You can relax and get out of your head (forget) everything.
You need to be dependent, You can be independent to be loved.
and beloved.
How to Ask for What You Want: A Nine-Step Process
1. Provide an objective description of the problem or behavior (“When you get angry and yell…”)
3. Describe the impact or effects of the problem on you and/or your relationship (“I want to run away from you and hide”).
4. Stop for a minute and listen to the other person's response or his/her perception of the conflict.
5. Be clear about what you want from the other person (“I want you to express your anger in these words: “I am angry”).
6. Clearly ask the other person, “Would you like to…?” (“Would you like to tell me what you’re angry about instead of yelling at me?”)
7. Discuss if there is a difference between what you desire and what the other person is willing to give or do. 8. If you are unable to discuss differences, accept that you have differences of opinion (“I see that we cannot agree on this issue, and I accept our differences. Would you also agree to recognize our differences in views?)
9. If the differences are insurmountable and the relationship ends, mark this with some kind of ending ritual. Write a letter in which you formulate your ideas about your irresolvable contradictions without accusations, considering yourself and the other person from the good side. You may choose not to send this letter or burn it.
Used literature and books where you can learn more about codependency:
- Robin Norwood "Women Who Love Too Much"
- Berry Weinhold, Janey Weinhold Breaking Free From Codependency
- Stanton Peel, Archie Brodsky "Love and Addiction"
- Mayer P., Minirt F., Hemfeld R. "Choosing Love (How to beat codependency)"
- McAvoy E., Israelson S. "Marilyn Monroe Syndrome"
- Selani David "Illusion of Love"
- Valentina Moskalenko "Dependence is a family disease" Elena Emelyanova "Triangles of suffering"
- Elena Emelyanova “Crisis in co-dependent relationships. Principles and algorithms of counseling
- Natalia Manukhina "Codependency through the eyes of a systemic therapist"
This morning it was all over for her. The hell in which she lived for two years and did not find the strength to get out of it ended. For the first time in long years she took a deep breath, full of energy and the desire to live and be happy without fear, open to everything new and, most importantly, internally free, and not a co-dependent woman. She succeeded, managed to cope with codependency. The fight was not for life, but to death. She ended her relationship with him in order to save herself, and not turn into a hysterical and not very adequate woman.
Codependency is similar to alcoholism and drug addiction. You seem to be addicted, but not from such things, but from emotions that are not the most pleasant. It's dependent on specific person with whom you do not feel happy, but stubbornly are in a relationship that destroys you. Often such men abuse alcohol or drugs. He is addicted to substances, and you are addicted to him.
Yes, I'm codependent!
Once she confessed to herself and began to act. She had been in a relationship with a manipulative, would-be alcoholic, and mental abuser for almost two years, which meant that he didn't speak to her for months, and her attempts to somehow contact him ended in beeps on the phone.
Before that, there was a six-month relationship with a drug addict, his manipulations and her desire to save him. She first realized that something was wrong when she began to give him money. But He considered them not her money, but their common money.
But back to last relationship. She began to attend trainings on self-love, on overcoming codependency, increasing self-esteem, and going to constellations.
She started to rescue herself.
And so, her plan was this:
1) Admit that you are codependent and you can’t handle it yourself!
2) Find a psychologist who will "wash" your brain.
4) Imagine the whole process of "treatment" for codependency as an experiment in which you can try to behave in a new way. Try and see, how do I behave in this, but how do I feel when I am like that.
Yes, at first it will be very difficult, just very. After all, it’s hard for women who are always tolerant, understanding and forgiving, even just to tell a man that he has no right to treat her like that. So, it is to come only when it is convenient for him, not to be responsible for his promises, to ignore attempts to talk and always pretend that nothing happened, not to pay attention to her interests and desires.
5) Love for yourself.
As you know, there are women in co-dependent relationships with low self-esteem, who for some reason decided, or someone brought it into their heads that they do not deserve a good attitude towards themselves. Someone told them for half their lives, usually mothers, that you need to endure everything, understand everything and forgive everything. But the reality is that self-love is not based on these rules. There is not enough self-love in co-dependent women, otherwise they simply would not have got into such a relationship, because they did not allow themselves to be treated this way.
And so, the principles of self-love:
1. Always put yourself first. What does it mean to answer the questions: what do I want now? it's important to me? do I want this behavior of a man to me changebe?
2. I am not responsible for how I was heard. I am responsible for what I said.
3. I am not responsible for the feelings of others. I am responsible for my feelings. And if someone decided to be offended, this does not mean at all that I wanted to offend him, and vice versa.
4. I myself decide how and what to react to. I am responsible for my reactions.
5. I have the right to independently determine what is bad for me and what is good.
6. Engage in your self-esteem. You can undergo training by carefully choosing a specialist for yourself.
7. Make up your own criteria for a good attitude of a man and a bad one. And in further relationships be guided by him. Seeing the relationship, you will immediately navigate to good attitude or bad it applies to you .. Well, then everything is going as it should. Bad means something went wrong!
Summing up, I will say that, in my opinion, there is only one formula for getting out of codependency - changing your attitude towards yourself and, as a result, changing your behavior. And so in reverse side, you change your behavior, then your attitude towards yourself changes. Because when you tell your partner about what you don't like, what hurts, what hurts, it's normal. What is normal when your opinion and interests are taken into account by a partner. At this moment, you stop committing betrayal of yourself, and there were many of them when you endured what you did not like!
This is an introductory digression into the story of "How I "treated" my codependency." In the following publications I will disclose all the points separately with examples and recommendations. I hope my experience will serve as an example or motivation for someone, or the first step towards their personal happiness.
Good luck to everyone, and see you soon!
Basically, those who are faced with the problem of drug addiction or alcoholism of a loved one deny in every possible way and do not understand that they themselves need help.
We often hear remarks different people similar in meaning: "I'm not sick! I don't need your help!" This denial is like your loved one's angry cries in response to an offered helping hand.
The goal of many rehabilitation programs is to address a number of issues that help reduce psychological qualities patient that led him to use. And close people who are nearby at all stages of the development of the disease gradually and imperceptibly become codependent individuals who are no less in need of psychological and sometimes medical assistance.
Help for co-dependents. Codependency.
codependence has many definitions due to the versatility of this phenomenon. Painful attachment, excessive preoccupation with someone and social, emotional, and sometimes physical addiction from this person includes the concept of codependency. The person himself, whose loved one takes drugs or alcohol, destroys himself with such thoughts, feelings and behavior, thus wanting to protect himself from pain. Assistance to co-dependent parents (relatives of drug addicts, alcohol addicts)- a task no less difficult and important than the treatment of drug addiction or alcoholism itself.
The worst thing is that the relatives of chemically addicts do not change when they stop using. They constantly lack something: either their son/daughter is recovering slowly, or it is time to get a job... They cannot calm down in their desire to change the lives of others. This desire can affect them in detrimental forms. own life and expressed in impulsive behavior. codependent may start playing cards for money, become uncontrollable in eating, have many love affairs ...
Help for co-addicted parents, relatives and friends of drug addicts, alcoholics in Kaluga
Based on all of the above, the conclusion suggests itself that parents, relatives and friends of drug addicts and alcoholics need help no less. In Kaluga, Tula, Moscow, there are groups of co-dependents, where people with the same problems support each other. The help of volunteers of the "Mercy" ministry will help you leave your loved ones alone and work on yourself. To leave alone does not mean to stop caring and loving, but to stop pushing, covering up for mistakes and influencing him/her.
Ministry "Mercy" is a social rehabilitation of alcohol addicts, drug addicts, as well as assistance to co-dependent parents, relatives and friends of drug addicts, alcoholics (co-dependent) in Kaluga, Obninsk, Tula, Orel, Voronezh, Bryansk, Moscow, Moscow region.
Rehabilitation ministry "Mercy".
Kaluga, st. Boldin d.20 8-953-333-44-47
Rehabilitation center "Renaissance".
Kaluga region, Dzerzhinsky district, Kozhukhovo village (40 km from Kaluga)
Psychological help in co-dependent relationships.
Today we want to introduce you to such a concept in psychology and psychotherapy as codependency and how it manifests itself in relationships with loved ones. This information on the site is necessary for you, first of all, in order to be able to recognize what is really happening in your relationship. (if YOU cannot determine where the conflicts in your family come from). And of course, this article will give you some idea of how you can change existing problems by using .
Codependent relationships do not appear out of the blue and suddenly. Start from dependent relationships goes back to early childhood. From the point of view of psychologists, the site of the beginning of codependence begins like this (there are stages in the development of codependency relationships, in this article we described the very essence of the formation of codependence):
"When a child is on some deep level understand that he is still very helpless without his parents, and the loss of his parents means imminent death, the child begins to do everything to be close to the parents. After all, parents at an early stage satisfy all the needs of the child. illustrative example this can be seen if you observe a child who is just starting to walk. He departs and not a long distance and returns back to receive acceptance, support for his actions and care. And if parents either do not provide the necessary support, or provide it even when independence is already possible, then the child begins to get used to the fact that there is always someone or something that will save him, that will take full responsibility for his life" .
This is the hidden belief that underlies all addictive relationships. It may also sound different:
"If I find someone or (something) that is stronger than me and can protect me, I can avoid the dangers of the real world" .
Characteristic features codependent relationship:
- If there is objective evidence that existing relationships are not good for you, you still do not try to break codependent patterns.
- Thoughts about the possible end of a relationship cause anxiety attacks, and the only way cope with this anxiety - a return to the relationship and increased dependence on the partner.
- If you are making any changes in your relationship, you feel anxious about old patterns of behavior, feel scared, total loneliness and emptiness.
- If you begin to see the meaning of your life in relation to your partner, live with his feelings, thoughts, while ignoring your needs.
- Codependent people are not able to define their psychological boundaries. They tend to perceive other people's needs as their own. They strive to please others in everything, constantly controlling the perception of themselves by others.
- Sometimes they play the role of a martyr, being in unbearable situations. This allows you to increase your importance to others.
How does dependent behavior (codependent relationships) manifest itself?
Dependent behavior or codependent relationships can manifest themselves in wide range, (as you already know) from selfless devotion spouse (at the cost of chronic self-betrayal) to a naive belief in the good and almighty "king, leader, state". With such unconscious concepts, you can live a very long time and not grieve, as they say, but life always gives needed lessons. And when this concept does not work, then there is internal conflict with himself, which leads to the breakdown of the usual life: infidelity, divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction, domestic violence, crayfish. This "support" just can't handle the load when like any effective concept (statement or belief) never stays the same and changes with changing values (that is, it adapts to the current reality).
As soon as a codependent person enters into a relationship, the whole life begins to revolve around the object of love: without him - torment, next to him - euphoria is akin to drug intoxication. There is a loss of oneself and dissolution in a loved one. Oddly enough, it is this kind of attachment that is commonly called "love"- perhaps because it is expressed beautiful words:"I can't live without you", "Life doesn't make sense without you" etc. Equality is established between feelings and the meaning of life, reciprocity of love and self-worth.
If a codependent person is in a close relationship with dependent person, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc., then codependency becomes a disease. It can proceed in waves, sometimes worsening, sometimes weakening, for example, during periods of remission in a sick family member. Without codependency progresses over time and makes it impossible for a person to build normal relationships with other people. Even if a codependent person manages to break off such relationships, then he is either forced to live alone, or, as a rule, builds new relationships with the dependent again.
Often there are cases when, after a divorce from a drug addict, women married alcoholics, or players, and vice versa. In families where one of the parents drinks, often the children also begin to drink or use drugs. Many women who finally, after much suffering, divorce their husbands - alcoholics and drug addicts, do not enter into relationships with anyone else, as they are afraid of repeating the same destructive relationships for them.
When people visit the website , very often it is we, psychologists, who act as this almighty sorcerer. And not even willingly. You yourself expect something magical magical from us when One word from a psychologist can change your unconscious and everything around you can change. But this myth is soon destroyed, because reality is still stronger than illusions. This is another example of how you can relate to yourself and to a psychologist
As for those cases when there is codependence in a relationship.
It's always ordeal , so much so that it can be called tragic, since dedicating one's life to another means giving up oneself and means not being able to see one's mistakes, not be able to enjoy life with another person completely, fail to understand him and yourself. And this other can lead, in fact, he should not justify anyone's expectations. This other (we do not know who it could be for you: husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, or another close person) can die, end the relationship, change not justify secretly the expectations placed on him, related to reciprocal gratitude, etc. It is important for you to understand that another close person is not always able to assess the degree of your dedication, because he does not have such a need to merge with you. And besides, think about it, maybe your wife or husband or ... do not require from you at all the sacrifices that you make? think about myself …
Features of relationships in codependent people.
The consultative experience of our psychologists has shown that people prone to co-dependent relationships paradoxically combine high dependence on external circumstances. (i.e. they don't want to believe they can control their lives) and taking responsibility in times of stress.
For example, if there is a conflict, and codependent partner immediately takes all the blame for a misunderstanding in the relationship, or begins to blame the partner for everything, instead of sorting out the relationship. But the cause of the conflict in the relationship does not go anywhere and is not resolved. It means that next conflict usually stronger than the previous one. What do you think, what will happen in this case? Well, certainly not to mutual understanding. What happens to the other partner in this case? And the other partner begins to feel more ignored and begins to get angry, offended, alienated. And all these feelings accumulate over time, which in one moment can lead to an effect. « last drop» . Such a couple needs to learn to be aware of their emotions and learn to express them. After all, we are not always able to express anger in such a way as not to frighten a loved one, we are not always able to defend our rights without hurting the rights of another. What if "dump" everything that is, it is possible to destroy the relationship that has been built for so long in a very short time.
Losing a relationship is the most scary horror any person , who is co-dependent, so you have to go to any lengths to stay in a pair. Therefore, for any offense dependent partner rejected, devalued, betrayed, insulted and beaten, made to feel guilty and ashamed of everything. Everything in such a relationship goes in a circle of exits from this vicious circle, there can be two:
Or it will be some very painful event that will encourage you to overcome your fear of losing relationships and try to start returning to your true self.
And, unfortunately, when that tragic life situation that promotes change, or when You are already calling us in order to get a psychological consultation via skype, Your relationship with your partner is so damaged "that nothing else can be fixed". Once your loved one was a savior from loneliness and independence, and now he has become a persecutor, and you have become a victim. In our experience, it often happens that we accept for psychological counseling already those clients who are no longer in their first co-dependent relationship. enjoy psychological consultation on Psi-Lfbirint.ru!
We remind you once again that running away from one addiction, you get into another!
And it will consist of the following (we will describe only the main ways and directions of work with codependency):
- this recovery psychological boundaries because codependency is the absence of psychological boundaries. Codependents do not test where their boundaries are and where the boundaries of another person begin: they either try to immediately "merge" with another person, or stay away from him, not allowing the possibility of self-disclosure;
- strengthening your power of "I" ;
- awareness own feelings, their adoption and management . Here the task of the psychologist is to help the client rebuild his relationship with himself, learn to feel emotions, feelings, realize and express his needs and desires, feel a comfortable distance from others and be able to defend his boundaries.
- This work can take place both in an individual and in a group format. Both forms of work have their advantages and disadvantages. And here everyone decides for himself what suits him best at the moment.
Everything that you read in this article is just an introductory material with the problem that you have now, but this article will certainly not help you. start getting out of the problem to move old house from the foundation need his destroy , but sometimes it's so hard to destroy what you have been diligently building for years . Only a psychologist can help you with this.
