What is psychological abuse? This is pressure on a person, with the aim of humiliating him and morally destroying him. It is especially scary when this is practiced in the family. Who needs it and why, and most importantly - how to get rid of psychological violence, read below.

Definition

What is psychological abuse? This is a form of bullying where the tyrant lowers his victim's self-esteem on a daily basis, criticizes them and controls their every move. Most often, wives are subjected to psychological violence by their husbands, but it also happens vice versa. Men thus try to assert themselves and feel more masculine. Often physical and psychological abuse go hand in hand.

Kinds

• imposition own opinion. The tyrant tries to completely take over the soul of his victim. He inspires her with his own statements, and he does it so cleverly and veiled that it would never occur to anyone that a suggestion was made. In some ways, this type of psychological abuse is similar to hypnosis.
• Disregard for other people's opinions. This kind of psychological abuse can be seen as selfishness. The person does not want to help around the house, go to the store or to work. The tyrant sits on the shoulders of the victim and hangs his legs.
• Another type of psychological abuse is criticism. Eternal discontent tyrant may be unfounded. For example, a person can cling to the mess in the house, and immediately after the general cleaning.
• Blackmail. The tyrant tells the victim that if she does not fulfill his requirements, he will leave the family or use physical violence.
• The control. Surveillance and reporting requests are signs that you are living with a tyrant. No one normal person will not require you to tell every minute how the day went.

Over the children

Domestic psychological violence is very often committed by parents over children. And young creatures cannot even understand that something is going wrong. They have nothing to compare with. They sincerely think that in all families parents treat children badly, demand too much and constantly humiliate. Psychological abuse children are most often practiced by weak and downtrodden parents. No one from the outside can even think that this person can belittle his child. Everyone wants to be loved and respected. And, if a person is underestimated at work, and he does not want to spoil relations with his soulmate, then anger will break out on the child.

Children may suffer from psychological abuse too much active parents. Adults can take their child to all circles, decide for the child what to do, where to go and in what, as well as what and where to say. And it seems ok when we are talking about a 3-year-old kid, but if a 10-year-old teenager is in this situation, then we can safely say that something is going wrong.

over wife

Most often, men act as tyrants. They commit psychological abuse of children and wives. In what way does this manifest itself? The man is in control of the family. Neither a child nor a woman can leave the house without permission. If a wife can go somewhere, then only with her man. The victim has no personal property at all. Accounts in social networks the couple have common ones, you can’t put a lock on the phone. In such a situation, it is difficult to remain yourself, and the tyrant takes advantage of this. He inspires the victim with the idea that it is good and safe at home, and this is where you need to stay. In this way, any opinions can be instilled, and the victim will consider them his own.

A man can humiliate a woman, tell her that she is terrible, stupid, has no talents. In this way, the tyrant rises in his eyes, because his victim considers him smart and beautiful.

over husband

Psychological violence in the family practice, unfortunately, frequent. Women who cannot fulfill themselves try to increase their self-esteem at the expense of others. They marry henpecked men and play with them as they please. What is the manifestation of psychological violence against women? In reproaches and threats. A woman is always unhappy that her husband earns little, goes to visit friends or spends too much time in the garage. A wife can make scandals every day, break dishes and use various manipulations.

Why do men in this case do not leave the family? The tyrant can inspire her victim that all women are the same, and she is an angel in the flesh. And the man is to blame for all the scandals, because he is bad, inattentive and uncaring. A man can sincerely believe in this and even feel remorse, and completely unjustified.

over parents

Psychological violence in the family can also come from children. Any child is good at manipulation. Some parents may recognize them, while others may not. If the child is late and very desirable, the mother can dote on him and fulfill any of his requirements. And sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity. Parents have to spend the last money on buying an expensive toy, otherwise the child will throw a scandal, refuse to eat, or deliberately bring deuces. Teenagers often manipulate their parents by telling them that if their desires are not met, they can commit suicide or leave home.

Psychological abuse of children is sometimes very cruel. If a child is spoiled, then he will grow up an egoist who will not, in general, reckon with his parents. For example, he will take a pension from his elderly parents and spend it on entertainment, going to a club, and even on drugs.

How to recognize psychological abuse at an early stage

It is difficult at first glance to understand a tyrant person or not. Starting a romance, people can fall in love and put on rose-colored glasses. Any sins of your soulmate will be forgiven. Total control will be perceived as care. Psychological abuse of a lover begins only after the wedding. Tyrants believe that the stamp in the passport allows them to perform any action with their victim.

How not to fall into the hands of a villain? You must always be accountable for the actions of others. If a person does not give you free space - this should be the first alarm bell. If criticism comes to you too often, and sometimes it is inadequate, this should also be a signal to escape. It should be understood that people do not change after marriage. You can get to know a person closer only by living with him for a while. Therefore, do not rush things. As they say: trust, but verify.

If in the early stages of a relationship a person requires you to choose between him and your friends, this should tell you something. Normal people will not restrict freedom of communication. If a person justifies his unwillingness to communicate with your friends by saying that they are stupid and there is nothing to talk with them, then it is worth parting with a tyrant, and not close people who love and support you.

You should not build a relationship with someone who is selfish and arrogant. Make sure that your soulmate knows how to do noble deeds and does not expect rewards and other honors for them.

How to appease an offender

The victim of psychological abuse should not play by the rules set by the tyrant. If your husband criticizes you, do not take his words for granted. You should think about whether he is right, and ask the man to argue his position. You need to be able to distinguish real criticism from the desire to lower someone else's self-esteem.

If your lover is trying to control you, you need to loosen the iron grip. You should explain to her that you should have personal space, and there is nothing wrong with spending time apart.

If baseless scandals occur daily in the family, you need to find a reason for them. Do not eliminate the consequence. Perhaps your soulmate wants to hint at something, but veils her too much true purpose. Try to ask directly what she or he needs, and if the desire is adequate, then it is worth fulfilling it.

It's hard to live with someone who doesn't care. But people get married by mutual agreement. Therefore, if feelings have cooled down and your significant other ignores you, you need to bring more romance into the relationship. You should spend more time together and find a common hobby. Any relationship is based on positive memories. If there are not very many of them, then it's time to create them. get busy active species sports. It could be something as ordinary as skiing or something less trivial like horseback riding. Tourism is another way to build relationships. After all, going on a hike, people are forced to spend a lot of time together. Moreover, in extreme situations, we have to support each other both physically and mentally. For example, you can kayak down the river, or just go fishing with friends for a week.

How to help a person who is being attacked

The victim of violence, first of all, must understand herself in what situation she is. If your friend lives with a tyrant, but does not suspect it, you should open her eyes. It must be said that not all men belittle their beloved. After all, why are families created? So that people can enjoy each other's company, and not be afraid to go home. It is not curtains or expensive furniture that create comfort in the apartment. A good atmosphere is maintained by love.

A woman who is afraid of her husband should know that it is not at all shameful to ask for help. Psychological abuse is dangerous, because it can drive a person crazy or lead him to suicide. The woman who got into difficult situation, is to blame. If a man morally presses her, then she allows him to do this. Divorce will not the best option. First you need to change yourself, and only then demand from others good relationship. After all, tyrants choose weak-minded individuals as victims. You have to be strong and confident. Yes, the tyrant will resist in this situation, but after all, one's own destiny is at stake, and one should live in pleasure. Don't be afraid of what people will say about you.

If in difficult situation a man got psychologically abused, his friends need to help him. It is necessary to raise a person's self-esteem, perhaps offer him to pass psychological training on leadership. women love strong men. Most likely, the wife will even be only glad when her husband takes the burden of responsibility into his own hands and definitely takes off his iron gloves.

What to do as a preventive measure

There are different types of psychological violence, and accordingly, the same counteraction should not be applied to them. Still, it's better not to solve problems rather than create them. How to make sure that a loved one does not become a tyrant? Should always be left in people's lives free place. Do not be afraid that someone better than you can take it. Such a thought does not occur to a person with high self-esteem. If a person wants to cheat on you, then he will find a way, even if you follow him. To prevent this, you should keep the romance in the relationship. Give flowers, arrange romantic dinners, spend time together, go to the movies and go to the skating rink. There are many ways to bring excitement to a relationship without resorting to jealousy and infidelity.

So that a person does not try to assert himself at your expense, keep his self-esteem always on high level. Not only girls love compliments, remember that. Men also want to know that they are wonderful and that their significant other loves them no matter what. You should respect the friends of your chosen one, because these are his close people. And, even if you don't like them, try to reconcile with them. In no case should you insult the parents of a loved one. After all, relatives are a support and support, it is worth understanding this.

And most importantly, what many people forget is that one should talk. Do not accumulate resentment, because otherwise they will be able to break out with any slight disagreement. Solve problems as they come. If you don't like something about your chosen one, feel free to let us know. A person does not always see his shortcomings, so an opinion from the outside will only benefit.

Or maybe leave?

Victims of psychological abuse often ask this question, but they cannot decide to take a responsible step. As mentioned above, and for good reason. After all, as you know, you can’t run away from yourself. Understand that people treat you the way you let them. A person with low self-esteem may cry into a pillow over a difficult fate, but will do absolutely nothing to alleviate his plight. It’s worth considering, perhaps you were pushed around before marriage. Maybe the problem is coming from childhood? It often happens that a girl in whose family the father was a tyrant believes that all men behave the same way. In this case, she will simply force her chosen one to command her and belittle her dignity. You should be well aware of your feelings and understand where they come from. If something does not suit you, change, no one will definitely condemn you.

Of course, there are situations when the victim is not to blame for anything, and she is tyrannized for nothing. In this case, it is simply necessary to leave. Why endure bullying? Yes, the tyrant will not want to part with you simply. He will sing songs that he will definitely change, only he needs to be given the 150th chance. Remember, people don't change if they don't have something to good reason. So leave with your head held high and don't look back.

But what if the tyrant does not want to stop communicating even after parting? He can call, come to your parents and cry to them. Don't believe. Time changes people, but not in a month, and sometimes even a year is not enough. You can offer friendship to the tyrant, but nothing more. Value yourself, your time and your life.

Violence doesn't always hurt us physically, and bodily harm isn't always the worst kind of violence. Psychological abuse leads to psychological trauma, and she, to undermined self-confidence. As a result, society receives an inferior link, and you (that is, a link) are deprived of a full-fledged social life.

The consequence of psychological abuse can be stress, fear, post-traumatic disorder, and maybe physical abuse (usually one gives rise to another). In any case, remember: people who are psychological abusers, in almost 100% of cases, have themselves once suffered from the emotional blows of others. These can be unhealed childhood grievances, teenage complexes that are sensitively guarded, and then lead to revenge, violence, mockery, and even disasters. In the biography of every dictator (if you search well), you can find the moment when an absolutely normal person harbored the deepest resentment, promising himself to grow up "powerful and strong" in order to take revenge on those who offended him.

Types of psychological abuse

Emotional abuse always manifests itself in different ways, individually. But if we collect all the cases together and draw conclusions, we get the following classification of types of psychological violence:

• humiliation - condemn, criticize, ridicule, tease;
• dominance - treat the victim like a child, remind that such behavior is unacceptable, control spending, remind you of mistakes too often;
• make demands - the victim is not addressed by name, but using nicknames, the rapist blames the victim for his mistakes and failures;
• ignoring - use the boycott as punishment;
• codependence - the victim becomes a "vest".

Most scary view psychological and emotional abuse is glazing. This term means that doubts about their own sanity are sown in the head of the victim. When the rapist is offending and you are offended, he says that you are too sensitive. If a person repeats the same thing over and over again, he will really doubt the adequacy of his perception. The main signs of glazing:

Most often, signs of psychological violence are clearly visible in married couples, in boss-subordinate relationships, among friends (a friend is a “vest”), and also on a large scale in “power and people”.

The most difficult thing is to cope with psychological violence at home when it comes to a person dear to you. The last thing you need to resort to is, and the most favorable option is in a conversation, “showdowns”, to focus not on how someone ruins your life, but on how you (you personally) want to improve your relationship.

I suggest that one of the reasons it can be difficult to get out of a destructive relationship is the victim's lack of awareness that her partner is an abuser and is abusive. Everything is more or less clear with physical violence: hitting means hitting, but psychological violence can have hidden form and be inconspicuous, unless it is open insults and humiliation.

However, just because emotional abuse is not recognized and labeled as abuse does not make it any less damaging to the victim's mental well-being, so I think it's important to be able to recognize it. Knowing what forms it takes will make it easier to recognize it.

So, what types or types of emotional abuse can be identified?

1. The first thing that comes to mind is, of course, gaslighting. A universal form of psychological abuse that seems to be present in all destructive relationships. The essence of gaslighting is that the victim is instilled that her perception of reality is not adequate and some other understanding of what is happening is imposed, one that is convenient for the aggressor.

For example, that it is completely normal if a husband walks alone with other girls at night while his wife is at home with a child, or that in fact no one raised their voice, but everything seemed to the victim. Also, for example, gaslighting is the accusation of the victim that all the problems in the relationship are because of her. , and the aggressor is a white and fluffy suffering bunny. To understand what is happening, you can describe the events as non-judgmentally as possible, in the form of facts, and then read them, imagining that this is not your story. Still resist gaslighting very much.

If someone convinces you that your understanding of reality is subjective and his is objective, know that this is manipulation. You can read more about manipulation and how to resist them in my article:.

Surprisingly, sometimes not only the abuser partner gaslights, but also the victim’s inner circle: “You exaggerate”, “Your life is not so bad”, “Everyone lives like this”, “You put pressure on him/her, it’s nobody won't like it." The person to whom all this is instilled, and the truth begins to seem that something is wrong with him, that he is too emotional, and instead of believing his feelings and increasing the distance with the abuser, he begins to scold himself for them.

A lot has been written about gaslighting and interestingly, I will not retell everything. You can read more about this, for example, in an article on the Psychologies website: "" or on the website women's club: .

2. Visholding- this is a diversion of the conversation away from the topic that concerns you. May manifest as blabbering, joking, or leaving unanswered important issues. The person does not seem to refuse to talk to you, but the conversation turns out to be absolutely fruitless, nothing can be clarified or explained. After such conversations, a feeling of devastation and helplessness remains.

3. Neglect- another one passive form violence. Neglect (neglect) translated from English - neglect, inattention, negligence. It is defined as the inability and/or unwillingness to provide care, assistance and support to adults and children for whom the abuser is responsible.

This is one of the most brutal forms of emotional abuse. in the worst possible way affecting the health of the victim. Includes devaluation of the physiological needs and health of the victim, as well as economic violence. Variants of neglect: refusal to use protection during sex; intentional "mistakes" in contraception leading to pregnancy; shifting all household responsibilities to one person and refusing to help; pushing the victim to plastic surgery; refusing to put on headphones while gaming or listening to music/watching movies when the other wants to sleep and more.

“If your interests, opinions, needs are neglected, this is neglect. If you are left without help, attention, care and attention in a situation where you are helpless and / or it is dangerous for your health and life, this is neglect. If, in response to a request for help, you hear “you don’t need it,” this is a neglect. If your needs are called whimsical and/or ignored, this is a neglect. If you are denied the basic needs of quality food, sleep, rest, security, housing, clothing, medical care, treatment, this is neglect. If a partner “forgets” all the time and violates your agreements, if he pushes his responsibilities for caring for children, home, pets onto you, this is neglect.” You can also learn more about neglect with examples in.

4. emotional blackmail- an increase in emotional distance, a coldness in relationships, a boycott if you do something wrong as the abuser needs. Those. the abuser, as it were, says: “I won’t communicate with you if you do / don’t do this.” This is not just an insult as a reaction to some difficulties in the relationship, this is a deliberate punishment of the "naughty" partner. Emotional blackmail can be very painful, even if the victim understands that the abusive partner is doing it on purpose to get her certain behavior. Especially this kind of abuse hurts those who experienced this kind of parental rejection as children. Unfortunately, this often happens. Probably, each of us has more than once witnessed situations when children are told: “You are behaving badly, I am not friends with you.” If you are being emotionally blackmailed, the best thing you can do for yourself at this moment is.

Emotional blackmail should be distinguished from inevitable consequences. Inevitable Consequences- that which arises independently of your will, it is not done on purpose and cannot be changed or prevented. For example, resentment is natural spontaneous reaction to rude treatment from a loved one. Resentment consists of pain and anger, the purpose of which is to increase distance. Not wanting to communicate confidentially and intimately with the aggressor is normal and is not emotional blackmail.

5. Criticism of appearance, personality, character.

Any unsolicited criticism of a person's qualities is a violation of his boundaries. Unfortunately, this is such a common activity that it is often perceived as a normal part of communication. This is especially true in parent-child relationships.

Many parents think that it is their duty to point out to the child his "flaws", to remind him that he is lazy, inattentive, careless, that he has bad character etc., because: "If not me, then who will tell him about this?"

But the problem is that any assessment is subjective, and besides, by negatively evaluating the child, we form a negative self-concept for him and he will behave in the future only confirming it. So there is no benefit from this, but there is a lot of harm. A negative assessment of a person is always unfair, because. overgeneralizes, it hurts, lowers the self-esteem of a person and creates a feeling that something is wrong with him.

However, having received the experience of criticism from parents in childhood, we, even in adulthood, in close and not very close relationships, can take criticism for granted or simply get lost, not knowing how to react to it. I think one acceptable response is, “I didn't ask you to give me your opinion. Please don't do this."

6. Control, inadequate jealousy. Control of the actions, movements, social circle of one person by another is rarely (and is it ever?) voluntary on both sides, which means that the abuser invades the victim’s personal space using manipulation, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, etc. At some point this, like other boundary violations, may seem like normal communication loving people. However, if you don't like it, then it's not normal.

My other articles on destructive relationships.