The adult son does not go to work. Adult son does not work

Adult son does not want to work - what to do? If the son does not want to work what to do advice from a psychologist

Parents often suffer because they cannot get their son to work. Instead of supporting himself on his own, he prefers to live off his mom and dad. If there is a house and tasty food then what's the point of going to work? This is the motive that starts it all.

The task of parents is to understand the reasons for such behavior. Next, use all possible ways to cope with the problem of the unwillingness of an adult child to work. If the situation is critical, help extreme measures. If desired, you can go to a psychologist.

Causes

Often the son does not want to work because of social or emotional immaturity. It seems to him that he is still quite a child, and not an adult man. He believes that his mother will always take care of him. When the boy grows up, she will be replaced by a wife who will also feed, clean and raise the children deliciously.

Often this happens in 20-year-old guys. Their infantilism is explained by the inability to take responsibility for their actions. Usually they live with their parents, not wanting to move to a separate dwelling. They do not invest in the family budget, but only devastate it.

Overprotection

Parents from early childhood are overprotective of their son. Do not let him take an extra step, the right to make a mistake. AT adolescence he is incapable of making a decision on his own.

And when peers are already beginning to be interested in their future, looking for a part-time job, the child believes that such events do not concern him. He lives by the rule - until the age of 23, parents are obliged to provide for me. He thinks everyone around him owes him something.

Forcing a child to work in this case is useless. If he himself does not want this, then it will be difficult to influence his decision.

Low requests

Not all men are born ambitious. Only a few manage to acquire this quality as they grow older. But adult sons who do not want to work have low demands. It shows up like this:

in everything there is a minimum;
there is no need to buy expensive clothes and other things;
the purchase of a car and an apartment (house) is an unattainable dream, etc.

Such a guy is unlikely to open his own business. He will have a regular job with low pay and poor conditions. A 20-year-old guy will have no desire for anything more, because his basic needs are satisfied.

If it is provided by parents and given everything you need, then there will be no need to look for a job at all.

The desire for independence will begin only when he feels dissatisfied.

Initially, he will try to demand something from his parents. In case of refusal, he will seriously think about the future and try to find a job.

Self-doubt

It develops if the child does not grow up in time. Manifested as a feeling of helplessness. As a result, the guy will be unable to decide on any global change and decisive steps.

Leave everything as it is - bad decision. There is an urgent need to act. Due to insecurity, a man not only cannot find a job, he will not be ready for marriage.

Any self-respecting girl will want to have a confident, promising husband, and not one who lies on the couch all day and suffers from idleness.

Failure to plan

There are mothers who, from childhood to adulthood, plan everything for the child, not allowing him to independently organize his time. As a result, he does not possess elementary skills of self-organization.

The absence of the habit of planning time turns young man into a helpless, socially unadapted being. Having too much free time increases the risk that the guy will get carried away with alcohol, drugs, smoking and a wild way of life. But the worst thing is that he will not blame himself for everything, but his parents.

It's normal if the search for yourself is over by the age of 22. At this age, a guy or a girl thinks about what will happen next and how to provide for themselves. decent life.

They can get a job for a year, and then goof off again. Reasons for this behavior:

reality does not meet expectations;
work did not bring pleasure;
lack of vision of prospects;
desire to try yourself in another field, etc.

Often these young people feel the need to experience own forces and creative skills. They try to make a living by singing, drawing, writing books, comic performances. But not everyone succeeds, and such an attempt becomes unsuccessful.

The young man begins to look for an excuse. He convinces his parents that this time he was just unlucky, but then everything will work out. If the search for oneself does not stop by the age of 25, a serious conversation should be held with an adult child and extreme measures should be taken.

Shyness and complexity

An adult is afraid of losing a sense of comfort. He begins to suffer because he fails to achieve goals or lacks the ability to organize his life. Then it is necessary to explain that you need to have patience and work carefully so that all dreams come true.

It is important that parents help in overcoming shyness. You can sign up your son or daughter for an appointment with a psychologist or special courses. The sooner this is done, the better.

Help

All the advice of a psychologist boils down to the fact that before forcing an adult son to work, it is necessary to have a conversation with him. Find out the reasons:

unwillingness to get a job;
protracted search for oneself;
lack of goals;
demanding behaviour.

You need to ask what caused the fear of getting a job. Maybe the son has no work experience, no appropriate education does not meet the proposed salary level.

Worst of all, if the cause is ordinary laziness.

It is problematic, sometimes impossible, to force an already formed personality to change something in itself. This will happen if he himself shows a desire to become better and engage in self-development.

Talk about the future

Provide arguments for and against the options presented. It is very important to help the child understand what he really wants and how this can be achieved.

It is necessary to explain that the son is already very adult and his parents are not able to cover his expenses. Some adult sons have enough of such a remark. As a result, he can look for a job by profession or go to get any other suitable position. But the main thing is that the parents influenced the child and he decided to do something useful.

If, after the conversation, the situation worsened and the son does not make contact, stop giving him money.

Let them find the means to meet their needs on their own. At first, the son will be offended, indignant and demand something. The main thing is that parents overcome themselves and ignore such behavior of the child. The path to independence is never easy.

Few people are satisfied with the prospect of becoming a homeless person. As a result, the son will have to do something and get a job. What it will be (prestigious or not) depends only on him. When he realizes that being financially independent is very nice, he will thank his parents. Soon, changes can also happen in your personal life.

Include in the general life of the family

Try to clearly delineate the areas of responsibility - in what the son as an adult is responsible for himself, and in what the mother sees responsibility for his life. A great solution is to agree with your son that certain part he will take care of the household chores. Be sure to show your confidence in the successful performance of duties.

This can be organized like this:

offer to choose the number of responsibilities;
independently determine which areas of work will be under the control of the son, and simply put him before the fact;
half of the duties are chosen by the parent, half by the son.

Take a principled position. If the son wants to continue living with his parents, let him follow the general rules. Only these rules should be clearly articulated.

Gradually, the son will learn to be responsible and will not want to live with his parents. He will see that he is ready for independent living.

Engage motivation

Motivation is what makes a person move forward towards success. Often it affects the development of personality and the speed of achieving goals. Usually in adult sons who do not work, it is absent. Therefore, the task of parents is to help in its acquisition.

You can show your son the example of two people - successful, rich and unhappy, poor. Explain that the future directly depends on the availability of work and the desire to develop.

If possible, you can demonstrate by example that goals and desires are achievable. But for this you need to work, not idle.

Next step- Learn how to reach your goals. To do this, show:

how to put real achievable goals;
how to develop a plan;
how to determine how much time is needed to achieve a dream;
how to find funds for implementation;
What steps will help speed up the process?

After such a conversation, offer your son easy task, consisting of many processes. Praise if successful. You can arrange a holiday for the whole family. It is important that the praise be sincere.

Such a simple way will show an adult child that you can gradually achieve any goal. The main thing is to work hard.

Chat with friends

Having an adult and unemployed son is a shame and shame for every parent. If the situation is critical and no reproaches and requests have helped, you can turn to your son's friends for help. Important note- They must have a job. It’s great if they develop themselves and have success in their personal lives.

This method works effectively. The son communicates with a peer, sees what he has achieved, and wants to try to become just as successful. This method in psychology is called negative motivation. If a guy has normal self-esteem and no complexes, then such a conversation can become a motivation to start working. Otherwise, it will aggravate the situation and become a reason for depression.

Treatment by a psychologist

If parents on their own could not persuade their son to go to work, help is needed. family psychologist. most effective methodology is cognitive behavioral therapy. Its goal is to change the type of thinking and behavior of the patient.

why any mention of work causes fear, horror and stress;
why I don't want to work;
what happens if I get a job;
what happens if my parents stop supporting me;
what are my goals;
what I expect to get in the future, etc.

Often adult children who do not want to work do not think about it. They live for today. Therefore, such reflections can cause an unexpected reaction - aggression, hysteria, manifestations mental disorder. The task of a psychologist is to establish contact and get answers to your requests.

When contact with the patient is established and he is ready to work on himself, he is invited to keep a diary of success.

It needs to be recorded every day. Their number is at least 5. It is worth writing down your successes on the way to achieving the goal and gratitude to the people who made the day colorful and good. This will help to see what the guy is moving in right direction and learn to appreciate the help of parents.

The patient is encouraged to use affirmations. This is positive statements whose purpose is to motivate a person to success. They must be pronounced in difficult periods in order to believe in yourself, your strengths.

Main part treatment - doing homework. They allow you to consolidate the material discussed in individual sessions.

Homework examples:

watching inspirational films;
reading stories successful people, companies;
attending events where the main speaker will be famous person;
working with a recruiter to create a "selling" resume and successful completion interviews for the desired vacancy;
taking self-development courses, etc.

As a result of successful completion of cognitive-behavioral therapy, a young adult man will find the strength to develop and get a job. Negative attitudes change to positive. Instead of a lazy and dependent son, there will be a self-confident, working young man.

Conclusion

There are adult sons who cannot be forced to work. They find many reasons for this - the lack of a good job, an insufficient amount experience and knowledge, poor pay. But usually the main motive is laziness.

The first thing to do is to create an unfavorable habitat. Stop giving an adult child money, food. Make sure that his needs are not met with the help of his parents. You can use other advice from psychologists or make an appointment with a specialist.

psychoday.ru

Adult son does not want to work - what to do?

Question from a reader: Hello, I have a problem with which I have already tried everything that is possible. All the advice of girlfriends and so on, but nothing comes out. My son, he is 24, graduated from school two years ago. And since then he has not found a job. He has a serious specialty - he is a lawyer, deals with copyrights. But suddenly, by the end of the institute (he was already moonlighting), he said that he realized that this was not his. And he will look for another thing for himself. But now two years have passed, and he is still “looking” At the same time, he had very good job offers in his specialty, and he prefers to work either as a bartender or as a musician (he plays drums )… I’m worried that he will finally miss his chance for a good life… What should I do? Elena, 55 years old

Psychologist's answer:

answers Christian psychologist - consultant Lazarev Maxim Anatolyevich

Hello, dear Elena! One can only imagine how hard it is for you now. The son whom you raised for almost a quarter of a century, brought up, tried to give a good education, suddenly says that he does not want to do what he planned, despite the prestige of the profession. And after all, he has every opportunity to become a good lawyer, which he learned to be. Feeling as if you are at a dead end - not a single piece of advice works, everything that can be tried has already been tried.

Two years ago, your son's adult life began. But she is still in the "test" mode - he has no family, children, and he is responsible only for himself. He has time and opportunity to try, to test himself, to understand what his calling is. Your son graduated from the institute and decided to “work as a bartender, then earn extra money as a musician ...”, and not work in the legal field. And after all, he graduated from the institute, and did not quit last year, as is often the case. This is a compliment in many ways to you as a parent: your son not only brings what he started to the end, but is also capable of making a responsible decision.

Let me clarify: it’s not that your son “doesn’t want to work”, he doesn’t want to work as a lawyer - after all, he still works and earns, and the work of a bartender is not easy! In addition, he is engaged in music and manages to earn money from this. I can assume that music is what he really loves and tries to somehow realize himself in this area. If your son really didn’t want to work, the short answer could be: stop supporting him, put a certain distance between each other, because he must be an independent young man. But your son works, although you do not like the field he has chosen, and is looking for something else. You have a fear that he will miss the last chance for a good life, but about a good life for whom in question? What exactly do you want for your son - that he earns decent money, has prestigious profession, respect for the environment? Maybe, a good life for him - it means (not forgetting about daily bread) to seek his vocation and realized it in it.

If you really want to find out - what's the matter and why he did not want to work in his specialty - talk to him about it! Share your thoughts and feelings and try to hear his response.

Ask your son about his current interests and professional aspirations and listen carefully. Just listen, silently, without talking about whether it is right or not. Ask clarifying questions: what is good in his studies, what is bad, what does he like most, what is missing, why does he think about it, what exactly is his interest, how keen is his interest? Such questions will help you understand him, and your son can be set up in an analytical way - what if he really wants to return to legal activity. Despite the fact that children are our everything, our world, one of the main tasks of a parent is to make yesterday's child capable of responsible the choice of independent adults. And that's it, then the life of this person begins. A life in which there are and will be mistakes, ups and downs. Of course, sometimes you want to lay a straw, and even pave the way with rose petals. But then this is no longer your son's life, but the one that is being imposed on him.

Issues of excessive attachment of parents to children or children to parents is a direct competence and daily work psychologist. If you are concerned about this problem, and feel that you are not always able to resolve it to the end, then the most the best way- Seek help from a professional.

An archive of all questions can be found here. If you have not found the question you are interested in, you can always ask it on our website.

foma.ru

The son does not want to work. What to do?

Question to a psychologist

Asked by: Anna

It's been 2 years since my son came from the army. In the beginning, I wanted to get a job in the fire department, but this did not work out. Submitted resumes to other companies. One was invited for an interview, but was not hired. Since then, the son sees no point in going to interviews, citing the fact that they won’t take him anyway. He does not look for work on his own, what vacancies I found, he refuses to go there. When asked when you will work, he answers: soon, someday, leave me alone, etc. The son is used to getting everything. I raised him alone. By nature, he is very quick-tempered, even aggressive. Although this manifests itself only in relation to the mother, with those around him he is very insecure, shy, afraid of everything new, therefore, I cannot put him in any framework. Yes, and I'm afraid. We had situations when something did not suit him and he took out his anger on me, scolding, insulting me. He believes that I am obliged to feed him, clothe him, and if there is not enough money, he says that I do not know how to spend. The situation is terrible, I don't know what to do. I understand that I myself am to blame, but I don’t know what to do now, how to reverse everything.

Psychologists Answers

Anna, hello.

The situation is really terrible and apparently it will no longer have to be solved, but broken, as you wrote.

If possible, contact Skype for a consultation, as you are likely to be hindered by your inner deep convictions and now there are already many fears of changing something in your relationship. If the son himself does not want or cannot “separate” from you and leave the infantile state, then you yourself will have to initiate these changes.

I really sympathize with you and of course my son needs psychological help, but he must pay for it himself and want to change himself. Therefore, you just have to take care of yourself.

Biryukova Anastasia, your Gestalt psychologist in person in St. Petersburg and on Skype.

Anna, hello. Persuasion, persuasion will not help ... It’s hard for you, as a mother, to accept, but believe that this is so ... Everything suits him, he will “suffer”, pretend that he is looking for a job, but ... he will live like lives while you support him ... My son has "communism" and only if you stop supporting him will you adequately respond to his "nerves", immediately write a statement to law enforcement only then can the son change. You need to use the principle of TOUGH LOVE and this is really the most useful thing for your son. You can keep it for now, but what will happen then? I hope you understood me correctly. It is necessary to adequately respond to any manipulations of the son, to say NO. With all my heart, I wish you - Success and all the best!!!

Igor Letuchy-psychologist, Master of Psychology, online (Skype) consultant

Psychologist Irkutsk Last visit: 2 days ago

Replies on the site: 1347 Conducts trainings: 3 Publications: 18

Anna, good day! As my colleagues said above, the situation needs to be changed radically. Otherwise, your son will sit on your neck, because. it's uncomfortable for him. He is full, dressed, has a roof over his head. If he really wants to get a job and get a job, but interviews scare him, then I'm ready to work with him on a solution. this issue. However, you should also reconsider your relationship with your son. I will be holding consultations in Irkutsk on July 2 and 3 (Saturday and Sunday). You can call (preliminary consultation by phone 10 minutes free of charge). I will be glad to help you.

Glinyannikov Yuri Gennadievich, online consultant Irkutsk, Bratsk.

30.06.2016 | 1674

www.allpsy.com

Personal life

Here it is, happiness ... This is what all mothers think when they take their baby in their arms for the first time. However, time passes, the periods of "bellies" and "teeth" are replaced by bumps and bruises, followed by strikes about studies and the first romantic (and not so) experiences.

And when it seems that the child has finally matured, an unpleasant surprise awaits many: it turns out that folk wisdom“little kids are little troubles” is absolutely true. Your adult son began to give you much more trouble than in childhood.

Rudeness and secrecy

More often, mothers complain about the rudeness of their sons and their secrecy. A young man or a man categorically does not want to trust them with his experiences, but the mother's heart is sensitive and feels all the changes in the life and behavior of a beloved child. Patience is enough for a couple of days, but then the mother begins, and sometimes does not stop, attempts to talk heart to heart.

Everything seems to be fine, because the questions are quite innocent - “how are you” or “what happened”, and the time was chosen right, right after dinner ... But for some reason, the son is silent at first, and a little later he begins to be impudent or frankly rude, and only tears his mother's eyes briefly stop him. What's wrong?

The solution to the problem of rudeness is simple: remember that you are a girl and he is a boy. age difference or social position does not mean anything at all, the masculine or feminine principle is nature itself. And she endowed her creations not only with a different set of chromosomes, but also with completely different hormonal levels.

Men due to testosterone and adrenaline are more impatient, aggressive and uncompromising. “Pour out your sorrows” is for young ladies, and not for the sons of Mars: they are generally sure that talk about peace of mind – complete nonsense, and this is not considered a problem.

Now let's practice: imagine that you are being pestered with the question “Why wash the dishes?” You hinted three times that you are not interested in the topic, moreover, you are terribly tired. The question is repeated again, but under a different sauce: “Why wash the dishes?”, And so ten more times.

How will your patience be tested? Either run away, or "explode" and send the opponent somewhere, but away from you. So an adult son feels after “how are you” and “what happened”.

What to do? Be patient and remember that your child is already an adult. He can solve his problems on his own, and heart-to-heart conversations are deeply alien to men. It is clear that such a simple action is difficult to perform, but a normal mother has a very trained nervous system.

You will have to put yourself and your feelings back in first place from the end, and make the obvious and very unpopular decision not to interfere in the private life of a man, even if he is your son.

Doesn't want to work, wants money

How is it with the classics - “horses die from work”? And you, mother, are you still alive?.. Believe me, your parasite son knows perfectly well that in any case he will receive food and shelter, even if he does nothing. After all, you love him so much that you forgive absolutely everything! Dear baby, he simply has not grown up to understand that a man should provide for his family, he has such poor health ...

And his nerves are really bad, he always experiences such failures in finding a job ... The boss, an ugly type, did not forgive him even the smallest things ... Familiar? Apparently yes. Like? If “no”, we are looking for a way out, if “yes”, we continue to feed and love, hoping for the best.

What to do? First: first we finish lisping. The child is fully formed physically and mentally, ready for all situations, including supporting himself and helping you. This is important to understand. Second: we mercilessly break the comfort zone that envelops your son. To do this, we change our behavior, preferably radically - we stop indulging whining and at least we cut portions for lunch.

Most importantly: be sure and defiantly reduce your work activity! Let him wash his own socks, washes the dishes and cooks if your cooking no longer suits him. Otherwise, it will become overgrown with dirt and lose some weight, and after listening to your complaints about the lack of time and money for the hundredth time, it will at least start running outside and breathing fresh air.

No joke: a woman, even if she is a mother, is obliged to keep a man in good shape precisely due to her weakness, otherwise there may be nothing left of his credo. You say tough? But it works.

Started to study, but suddenly stopped going to classes

What is the reason? I liked it - I didn’t like it ... You won’t believe it, but it’s exactly like that! Men always do only what they want, unlike women who do what they must, literally in the "background", without even noticing. Do you think about dishes a lot when you wash them? Surely you sing songs or remember what you haven’t done yet.

And a man completely surrenders to any occupation, with all his soul and body. If he does not like it, and the background mode characteristic only of the female psyche “does not turn on”, then the representative of the stronger sex begins to slip away like a first-grader and run away from an unpleasant task or sabotage its implementation.

What to do? Try to help your son find the attractive aspects of studying. Naturally, from his point of view, not from yours. You know your child, you know his system of material and spiritual values. It sounds pompous, but in fact you can’t say it better. For example, he loves sports cars. Strengthen your motivation, for starters, give a model of the right brand, let him admire it.

Wait a bit, then drop a couple of phrases like: “You know, today I saw Vita's mother. He has already graduated and he was hired, he is getting decently. He is going to buy a car ... How quickly time has flown by! Or something like that, but always with a slight sigh at the end and a phrase about time.

For what? Your son will think a little about the car, and with Vitya they generally studied in the same class, and your grades were better. And then there's "time flew by quickly." Conclusions: he is no worse, and even much better than Viti (rivalry), you need to study (otherwise you won’t see the desired car), and some discomfort with studying is worth it, especially since the time before the diploma will pass very quickly (the comfort zone has been restored). So the scheme is simple.

My son does not leave the computer, he constantly plays

Live in virtual world attracts limitless possibilities, and almost no effort is required, except to click the mouse ... If "in real life" your adult son is dissatisfied with himself, does not receive or is not able to receive what he (in his opinion) deserves, then going into virtuality is natural.

Toys with gorgeous graphics, friends and clans, omnipotence. Even if they kill, it doesn’t matter, there are lives in reserve; the girl went to her rival - nothing, the lioness from the neighboring pride has been making eyes for a long time ...

All problems in the painted world are solved simply, unlike the present, and nothing is scary. Moreover: even the name is made up, you can change it at any time, and no one will recognize you. Mistakes are forgiven, retribution is symbolic, and life is eternal. Who would refuse such a thing? That is why adult sons choose the game in order to prolong the period of irresponsibility and impunity, as in early childhood. Why?

Because they are afraid of the irreversibility that is so characteristic of the real world. A dead friend cannot be returned, the girl went to another and also - not returned, the years pass and change the world, which will never be the same. Scary to say the least. But you won’t be able to play hide and seek with yourself forever, sooner or later you will have to emerge and look reality in the eye. Cowardice is the most terrible sin. This is what Yeshua said at Bulgakov's, and this is confirmed by life.

Of course, you shouldn't be as harsh with your son about his temporary weakness, but the truth is that your child is afraid to live. What to do? Remember the times when you punished him for mistakes or criticized his appearance, compared (not in his favor) with other boys. Perhaps you are too domineering mom, who repeatedly encroached on his independence and eventually received a computer zombie ...

If it's not too late, try to awaken in your son a taste for life. Remember what he really loves and values, and remind him of this without criticizing and merging into his current world. To get started, just put fragrant tea and something tasty next to the computer, always smelling good, and silently leave.

You can smell the smell without looking at the bun, and get a little distracted from the game. Stay next time, exchange a few words.

Everything is reminiscent of taming, small steps to restore trust. And if the son trusts you, he will go: first by the hand, like a little one, and then - into life.

Then let him go himself, and you will be happy for your adult son ... Good luck to him and to you.

personallife.ru

Question to a psychologist

Asked by: Anna

* I have problems with my adult son - he does not work, does not strive for anything, he is 26. He sits on my neck at home, is not active. He drinks, watches porn often, turns it on loudly, I have to listen to everything. Not sociable, not contact. Education is, but sits at home. I closed myself in, I feed him, I sing him, and he, insolent, still makes claims to me, scolds me. What should I do? How to help a child?

Psychologists Answers

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna

Psychologist Moscow

Hello Anna! let's see what's going on:

He does not work, he does not strive for anything, he is 26. He sits on my neck, at home, inactive. He drinks, watches porn often, turns it on loudly, I have to listen to everything. He doesn’t listen to comments. He buys wine, beer, turns on porn and sits, and I listen. Uncommunicative, uncommunicative.

he has no motivation and will not appear until you see a child in him and support him, saving him from the consequences of his own choice - he does not work, does nothing and you support him - at whose expense does he buy alcohol? who pays for his internet? who endures all this? You!

How to help a child?

You can no longer help him - you should see him as an ADULT person, and not a child who needs to explain something and try to help - with your help (what you contain), you essentially encourage his immaturity. There is only one way out - to separate him from himself, to leave and give him the opportunity to build his own life - let him face the consequences of his actions and inactions - that he needs to provide for himself and earn money on his own, and his mother will no longer save him from his own life! Now he has to take responsibility for his life, and you give it to him!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Yarovaya Larisa Anatolievna

Psychologist Moscow

AT given time this psychologist does not answer questions from site visitors. You can ask other psychologists a question

Anna, good afternoon.

You will help your son by stopping supporting him. Why should he work if his mother feeds and waters him? By the fact that you provide it, you yourself, as it were, support its inaction.

How to help a child?

As long as you consider him a child, he will behave like a little one. You're probably thinking, "Well, why don't I give my boy a piece of bread and butter? He's my son." But he is no longer a child, he is an adult, has an education and is quite capable of supporting himself. Give him responsibility for his life.

Yarovaya Larisa Anatolyevna, psychologist Moscow

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna

Psychologist Moscow

At this time, this psychologist does not answer questions from site visitors. You can ask other psychologists a question

Anna, hello.

To find his place in society and start making money, a person needs to form a whole complex psychological skills and skills. Normally, this occurs in adolescence from 7 to 17 years. During this period, he masters in practice the concepts of rights and obligations. At the same time, in the same period, a person encounters manifestations of sexuality and learns to master it, to correlate his desires with relationships with other people. In adolescence, a person also masters the basic skills of self-organization and control of their actions. To master all these skills, a teenager is helped, first of all, by his parents.

What is happening with your son shows, shows that he has a set of skills necessary for social adaptation either not sufficiently formed, or there are some significant flaws in it.

In order to move the situation in a favorable direction, you need to:

first, realize that easy solution is not here and cannot be.

secondly, you yourself need to start working with a psychologist. Yes Yes. Exactly to you. Because, in order to really hand over to your son the responsibility for his own life, you will now have to change in your relationship with him those unfavorable forms of interaction that will close the way for him to a dependent existence. To do this, you will have to work with yourself. You will have to learn, first of all, to love yourself and take care of yourself. You need to develop a healthy (!) egoism in yourself, without which the task of letting your son go on an independent voyage cannot be solved.

The professional help of a psychologist, of course, is very, very desirable for you in this matter. You can contact me.

All the best,

respectfully,

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, consultations in Moscow and via skype

Smirnova Alexandra Vladimirovna

Psychologist Moscow

At this time, this psychologist does not answer questions from site visitors. You can ask other psychologists a question

Hello Anna.

How to help a child?

Keyword CHILD. When you stop treating him like a child, he will have to grow up. He is in a very advantageous position: warm, fed, watered, with the Internet, plus bonuses - beer, wine, cigarettes. Why work and develop?

Your son is not socially adaptable, tk. could not separate from you in time. Why this happened and how to move to a more mature position, find the answers to these questions in working with a psychologist.

Sincerely.

Lizyaev Petr Yurievich

Psychologist Moscow

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To "help" such a "snickering dependent" - you just need to stop feeding the "chick" ...

Petr Yuryevich Lizyaev, psychologist-psychotherapist Face-to-face consultations / psychotherapy in Moscow - individually and in a group, as well as via Skype.

26.01.2018 | 666

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The adult son does not want to work. What to do?

Many parents face the problem of unwillingness of an adult son to work and provide for himself. The young man does not want anything, is content with little, and categorically refuses to look for any useful activity. AT best case he sits days and nights near the computer, at worst - drinks and walks with friends. What to do, how to make a guy take up his mind?

Constant scandals and showdowns rumble in the house. Parents are trying to remove an overgrown child from allowance and evict from common housing. Such methods rarely lead to a positive result. The reasons are in the character of the guy, lack of motivation for achievements, poverty of interests. What to do?

Step 1: Communicate and create a safe space

If a young person is mentally healthy, such behavior indicates huge personal problems. In childhood or adolescence, something was missed. Maybe the parents were busy with work, maybe sorting things out - it doesn't matter anymore. You shouldn't blame yourself. What happened has already passed. You should try to build a relationship with your child now.

Start building a relationship with him. Relationships are communication. Mutual support in everything. Mutual interest in each other's lives.

Explain to him that you are not able to cover all his needs, but you will make sure that he does not go hungry. Stick to this rule strictly. Food is free, everything else must be earned. Try to negotiate a division of household chores. If he refuses, postpone until better times.

Step 2. Be interested in his hobbies

Be interested in what excites and occupies him. It does not matter that your son's hobbies seem childish and empty to you. Ask, delve into, find out how his affairs are progressing. Rejoice in success, even if it is a transition to new level games.

Get into the habit of sharing dinners and lunches. Talk to yourself, talk about your life, ask his opinion. Encourage him to share. Move forward in small steps and gradually. Your goal is friendly partnerships.

Step 3. Include in the overall life of the family

Once you feel like you've achieved your goal, start moving forward. Any family is a system that has its own way of life and material support. For it to function, you need to do a lot of things.

Agree with your son that he will take on some of the responsibilities. Let him know that you are confident that he will succeed. Offer to choose an area of work that he wants to take control of: cleanliness in the house, cooking, pet, shopping, and so on.

You may have to start small. For example, he wants some dish, offer to cook it together. Let him know that you appreciate his help. Make cooking fun and interesting. Let him feel like a winner. He must understand what he is doing and feel the pleasure of his achievements.

You will have to act gradually. Be patient if things don't work out. Look for something to praise. It is important to show a strong emotional reaction to success or even to the intention to help.

Organize common holidays. Give your son a chance to prove himself. Show him your pride in his success. Such a strategy is designed for young children, but if this was not done at the time, we need to work now.

Step 4. Develop interest in yourself and other people

Constantly ask your son questions about his preferences. What he likes, what he loves, what annoys him. Carefully try to arouse interest in surrounding life.

To do this, use the old proven method - gossip. Nothing interests people so much as other people's troubles and blunders. Tell stories about your life. Discuss mutual friends and colleagues. Don't neglect artists, stars, famous people. Gossip, gossip, gossip...

Talk not only about events and actions, but also about possible motives. Ask the question: “Why did he (she) do this?” And let's answer it ourselves. This will expand his understanding of the environment and people.

"Play" in psychological tests. Now on the Internet you can find many methods for the most various themes. Start testing yourself and get your son hooked on this hobby. Switch from frivolous comic to professional questionnaires. This will help dispel the fog. inner world and better understand yourself. Don't forget to discuss the results together.

Step 5: Engage Motivation

Motivation is what makes us move. If there is action, then there is motivation. Motivation is dreams. Everyone has them. Large or small. Someone wants a beautiful car, someone needs best computer, and for some, a dream is travel.

Work on motivation is carried out in several stages:

1. Talk about it. Tell me what you want and ask your son.

2. Demonstrate by your own and other people's examples that desires are achievable.

3. Learn to achieve your desires. Show on simple things how a desire (dream) turns into a goal, how a plan is developed, means are sought, actions are taken and a result is obtained. Gradually connect your son.

4. Emotional reaction on achievements should be bright, sincere praise.

Step 6. Look for a job together

By this stage, socialization in the family circle is completed and further advancement in society begins. With the advent of normal relations with others and with oneself, there should also appear perceived needs. It's time to look for a job.

How to do it, you will be prompted life experience and special resources. But the first service is not always successful. It is important to be there and support in everything. Be aware that this is a long process. Thus, in order to solve the problem of the unwillingness of an adult son to work, you will have to:

1. Go back in upbringing a few years ago to fill in the gaps in socialization.

2. Build relationships with your son.

3. Lead him into the world of adult responsibility.

4. "Include" in the life of the family, and then the rest of society.

At all stages, you can and should use the help of a psychologist. Start with a personal consultation. Understand a little about your communication problems and build interaction with your child.

megiz.ru

Problems with an adult son - what to do?: ru_psiholog

ihopesomuch (ihopesomuch) wrote in ru_psiholog, 2015-10-03 23:46:00 Please help me make a decision in difficult situation, which has been going on for more than five years. I state it very briefly, like many - from an empty account ... I have an adult son, he is 25. A young man plays (world of war craft). Not working, not studying. AT different time he was given all kinds of support from his relatives so that the young man could get an education and a profession. But the institute was abandoned twice (the budget and the restoration I paid for paid department), plus a couple of years ago, shortly before graduation, the commercial university he chose was also abandoned, where he could quickly master the profession he also chose (he was disappointed, did not like the teachers, etc.). UPD: it all started in the first year of the institute. I passed the first session with excellent marks the second time, the second - already with a creak and retakes in the fall. stopped studying from the second year - virtual life supplanted the real. changed the nature and attitude towards relatives. as a child, he was a very good guy - interesting, inquisitive, empathic, attached to loved ones. for a long time I was engaged in swimming, sambo, snowboarding, roller skating, loved a dog, were Good friends. went with me to volunteer in the orphanage. read a lot. Now he is a completely different person. it's very hard to talk - you have to wade through the meaning of each phrase, into which clubs of vague hints are thrown that he understands something, what's what - in a global sense. his tongue is very well suspended, but after five minutes of conversation his brain explodes in an attempt to get to the meaning of what was said, to return him to the mainstream of the conversation. at first it gives the impression of being smart and well-read - then you quickly realize that this is all multi-layered demagogy about nothing. sports, friends - no. from interests - chess, philosophy. if he does not play, he can watch films for hours, analyze chess games, listen to some philosophical lectures. as far as I manage to see it with rare short arrivals. We do not live under the same roof, because with a certain moment living together was completely unbearable. There were conversations, conditions were prescribed, etc., but the young man crap around him in layers and did not clean up, did nothing (truant from the institute - he went to play with a friend at that time), did not work and constantly enchantingly lied. At some point, the resource ended, and the young man went to live with his dad. Then to grandma. Then he returned home, but hell began again. In short, as soon as the opportunity arose, he was given a separate one-room apartment in a very good area Moscow. Now she's scary terrible sight. Broken furniture that should be thrown into the trash, but this is not done. Mountains of rubbish, dirt, etc. The refrigerator does not work, hot water does not flow. Periodically, the boy had a job or part-time job, but he either did not stay longer than a month and a half in one place, or would not be able to go to work at the appointed time (played at night - overslept in the morning). The job as a waiter, which I got him through a friend of the director of the restaurant, he did not like - it is difficult and pays little. Summons from the military registration and enlistment office regularly come, but the young man does not want to serve. And if he doesn’t want to, then he shouldn’t, in his opinion. It is extremely difficult to talk to him. Man about himself the highest degree high opinion, and if you try to convey to him your vision of the situation, he behaves extremely arrogantly and boorishly. I tell him that I am ready to help in every possible way and do everything for him - provided that he admits that something is wrong with him and he needs help. Just as she always said that she was ready to help in every possible way - but if at the same time he himself would try to do at least something. Actually, having gone a certain way in understanding and accepting this situation, I perfectly understand that my son serious problems, most likely this is a certain degree of mental disorder, but everything is fixable and solvable - if only there is his personal will and desire. Not a single specialist can help "by photograph". And if a person wants to live like this (starving, in a pigsty, idle and alone) - this is his conscious adult choice. And long time, in general, I tried my best to leave him alone, giving him the opportunity to learn to live independently adulthood, decide your own household and social problems and take responsibility. Supporting only minimally, so that a person understands that there are no freebies, and I am not a sponsor. However, today I snatched some " last drop". I found him a part-time job as a courier, quite stable. She promised to buy a travel card as help, as well as to bring some of the things. Arriving at the apartment, I ran into a neighbor who told me that my son left notes to neighbors several times like: “Help. I am hungry". Moreover, this very neighbor's situation is not the best - exactly the same adult boy, but also a drug addict, sits on her own neck. Therefore, a note was left to the third neighbors - from behind whose doors I heard the voices of small children. For me it was a shock. There were situations when the son called that he had nothing to eat. I bought the simplest products for two weeks and drove, or called his father and asked him to do it. The young man always has the Internet and phone. And he can throw off, at worst, dialing me, his father or grandmother, so that they bring him food. But when a healthy, strong young man leaves a note at the door of neighbors with small children, instead of breaking away from the computer and going to earn a piece of bread for me, this is a wild situation. I am very upset and the thought does not leave me that it is impossible to just look at all this further. I would like to hear an opinion from the outside - especially psychologists, psychiatrists or just smart people- what to do with it? Continue to "leave it alone", waiting to grow up and go from don't know who to good man? Deliver with a police squad to the draft board? To evict from the apartment - in worse conditions / on the street / to your father? Something else? Nothing? Help me understand what to do? (((UPD2: I am looking for a good psychotherapist / psychiatrist to travel and further (I hope) work (in Moscow).

PhotoHint http://pics.livejournal.com/igrick/pic/000r1edq

Question to a psychologist

Psychologists Answers

Anna, hello.

The situation is really terrible and apparently it will no longer have to be solved, but broken, as you wrote.

I really sympathize with you and of course my son needs psychological help, but he must pay for it himself and want to change himself. Therefore, you just have to take care of yourself.

Biryukova Anastasia, your Gestalt psychologist in person in St. Petersburg and on Skype.

Good answer 1 bad answer 0

Anna, hello. Persuasion, persuasion will not help ... It’s hard for you, as a mother, to accept, but believe that this is so ... Everything suits him, he will “suffer”, pretend that he is looking for a job, but ... he will live like lives while you support him ... The son has "communism" and only if you stop supporting him, will you adequately respond to his "nerves", immediately write a statement to law enforcement agencies, then only then can the son change. You need to use the principle of TOUGH LOVE and this is really the most useful thing for your son. You can keep it for now, but what will happen then? I hope you understood me correctly. It is necessary to adequately respond to any manipulations of the son, to say NO. With all my heart, I wish you - Success and all the best!!!

Igor Letuchy-psychologist, Master of Psychology, online (Skype) consultant

Good answer 3 bad answer 0

Anna, good afternoon!
As my colleagues said above, the situation needs to be changed radically.
Your son, otherwise, will sit on your neck, because. it's uncomfortable for him. He is full, dressed, has a roof over his head.
If he really wants to find a job and get a job, but interviews scare him, then I am ready to work with him on resolving this issue.
However, you should also reconsider your relationship with your son.
I will be holding consultations in Irkutsk on July 2 and 3 (Saturday and Sunday).
You can call (preliminary consultation by phone 10 minutes free of charge).
I will be glad to help you.

Glinyannikov Yuri Gennadievich, online consultant Irkutsk, Bratsk.

Good answer 1 bad answer 0

First, parents set themselves the task of teaching the child at school, then - to help him graduate from the institute. Then the overage child has a housing problem, and the parents are happy to solve it. Sometimes it happens that a married or married child puts his parents and his “soul mate” on the neck. This can go on indefinitely. Why do adult children not want to work, and how to deal with this problem?

Psychologists believe that the unwillingness or inability of grown-up children to provide for themselves and leave the house is directly related to the psychological immaturity of a person stuck between childhood and independent life. There are several reasons for this, and, unfortunately, it was the parents who provoked the emergence of most of them.

Failure to plan

Some grown-up children cannot choose a worthy goal for themselves and make a competent plan for its implementation. In addition, they are afraid that they will not provide themselves with such prosperity as they are used to in parental home. Few people agree to voluntarily endure material difficulties or limit themselves in some way.

Fear of losing comfort

Parents usually create excellent conditions for the child, with which he does not want to leave. Why try to make your own nest, which may not be as comfortable and cozy as? In addition, it’s so good at home: they serve breakfast in bed, cook delicious dinners, hang clean and ironed clothes in the closet ...

lack of independence

Sometimes parents are sure that their children simply have not grown up to an independent life: they will definitely do something wrong, spoil or confuse. Such an opinion is imposed on a grown child, and, after a while, he gets used to thinking of himself as a worthless creature.

Lack of earning habit

Young people who have always received pocket money from their parents do not know how to get it on their own. In addition, they have developed a stable parasite psychology, which is fueled by the belief that all you have to do is ask, and any amount will be provided by parents immediately.

What to do?

First of all, parents need to start living own life, to find other interests, in addition to the guardianship of their grown child. No matter how strong the desire to teach, protect and protect, an adult child will have to be allowed to live independently. Parents will really help their offspring if they help him in finding a job, for example, writing a resume, jointly searching for suitable vacancies, contacting relatives and friends with a request to find a job for their son or daughter. If the child continues to idle, it is necessary to cut his material combination to a minimum and apply other repressive actions.

Sources:

Why do grown children sit on their parents' necks?
Save! We have an adult child on our neck! Part 1
How to make a parasite work?

When a quarrel starts, calm the children down and talk to the elder. Explain to him that the baby reaches for his toys out of curiosity, and not to piss him off. Say that sharing is really difficult, but being greedy is also not good, because then no one will play with him at all.

Find a variety of problem solving methods with your children. It is important that children find their own way out of such conflict situations. This option is possible: the younger takes the ball from the older, and the older brings him another ball and takes his own.

It is important to teach the older child to calmly refuse the baby, without screaming, swearing or crying.

Both children should have an affordable opportunity to play not only with each other, but also separately from each other. A great option is to make sure that the children spend time together, but do different types activities. For example, while the older child is playing, read junior fairy tale. Also good deed will participate in the game.

Step 1 . Improve communication and create a safe space

If the young man is mentally healthy, this behavior testifies about huge personal problems. In childhood or adolescence, something was missed. Maybe the parents were busy with work, maybe they were sorting things out - it doesn't matter anymore. You shouldn't blame yourself. What happened has already passed . You should try to build a relationship with your child now.

Start building a relationship with him. Relationships are communication. Mutual support in everything. Mutual interest in each other's lives.

Explain to him that you are not able to cover all his needs, but you will take care that he does not go hungry. Hard stick to this rule. Food is free, everything else must be earned. Try to negotiate a division of household chores. If he refuses , postpone until better times .

Step 2. Be interested in his hobbies

Be interested in what excites and occupies him. It doesn't matter that your son's hobbies seem childish and empty to you. Ask , delve into , find out how his business is progressing . Rejoice in success, even if it is a transition to a new level of play.

Get into the habit of joint dinners and lunches. Talk to yourself , talk about your life , ask his opinion . Encourage him to share. Move forward in small steps and gradually. Your goal is friendly partnerships.

Step 3. Include in the overall life of the family

Once you feel that the goal has been achieved , start moving forward . Any family is a system that has its own way of life and material support. So that she functioned, you have to do a lot of things.

Agree with your son that part of the duties he will take onmyself. Let him know that you are sure that he can handle it. Offer to choose an area of work that he wants to take control of: cleaning the house, cooking, pet, shopping, etc.

You may have to start small. For example , he wants some dish , offer to cook it together . Let him know that you appreciate his help. Make the cooking process fun and interesting. Let him feel like a winner. He must understand what he is doing and feel the pleasure of his achievements.

You will have to act gradually. Be patient if things don't work out. Look for something to praise. It is important to show a strong emotional reaction to success or even to the intention to help.

Arrange common holidays. Give your son a chance to prove himself. Show him your pride in his success. Such a strategy is designed for young children, but if this was not done in due time, it is necessary to work now.

Step 4. Develop interest in yourself and other people

Constantly ask your son questions about his preferences. What he likes, what he likes, what annoys him. Gently try to arouse interest in the life around you.

To do this, use the old proven method - gossip. Nothing interests people so much as other people's troubles and blunders. Tell stories about your life. Discuss common acquaintances, colleagues. Don't neglect artists, stars, famous people. Gossip, gossip, gossip...

"Play" in psychological tests. Now on the Internet you can find many methods on a variety of topics. Start testing yourself and get your son hooked on this hobby. Switch from frivolous jokes to professional questionnaires. This will help dispel the fog of the inner world and better understand yourself. Don't forget to discuss the results together.

Step 5: Engage Motivation

Motivation is what makes us move. If there is action, then there is also motivation. Motivation is dreams. Everyone has them. Large or small. Someone wants a beautiful car, someone needs the best computer, and for someone, travel is a dream.

Work on motivation is carried out in several stages:

1 . Talk about it. Tell what you want and ask your son.

2 . Demonstrate on their own and other people's examples that desires are achievable.

3 . Learn to achieve your desires. Show on simple things how desire (dream) turns into a goal, how being developed plan, means are sought, actions are taken and the result is obtained. Gradually connect your son.

4 . emotional the reaction to the achievements should be bright, sincere praise.

Step 6. Look for a job together

By this stage, socialization in the family circle is completed and further advancement in society begins. With the advent of normal relationships with others and with oneself, conscious needs should also appear. It's time to look for a job.

How to do this , life experience and special resources will tell you . But the first service is not always successful. Here it is important to be near and support in everything. Tune in to the fact that this is a long process. Thus, in order to solve the problem of the unwillingness of an adult son to work, you will have to:

1 . Go back in upbringing a few years ago to fill in the gaps in socialization.

2 . Build relationships with your son.

3 . Lead him into the adult world responsibility.

4 . "Include" in the life of the family, and then the rest of society.

At all stages, you can and should use the help of a psychologist. Start with a personal consultation. Understand a little about your communication problems and build interaction with your child.

And when it seems that the child has finally matured, an unpleasant surprise awaits many: it turns out that the folk wisdom “little children are little troubles” is absolutely true. Your adult son began to give you much more trouble than in childhood.

Rudeness and secrecy

The solution to the problem of rudeness is simple: remember that you are a girl and he is a boy. The difference in age or social status means absolutely nothing, the masculine or feminine principle is nature itself. And she endowed her creations not only with a different set of chromosomes, but also with completely different hormonal levels.

Men due to testosterone and adrenaline are more impatient, aggressive and uncompromising. “Pour out your sorrows” is for young ladies, and not for the sons of Mars: they are generally sure that talking about peace of mind is complete nonsense, and they don’t consider it a problem.

How will your patience be tested? Either run away, or "explode" and send the opponent somewhere, but away from you. So an adult son feels after “how are you” and “what happened”.

Doesn't want to work, wants money

No joke: a woman, even if she is a mother, is obliged to keep a man in good shape precisely due to her weakness, otherwise there may be nothing left of his credo. You say tough? But it works.

Started to study, but suddenly stopped going to classes

My son does not leave the computer, he constantly plays

Life in the virtual world attracts with limitless possibilities, and almost no effort is required, except to click the mouse ... If "in real life" your adult son is dissatisfied with himself, does not receive or is unable to receive what he (in his opinion) deserves, then leaving into virtuality is natural.

All problems in the painted world are solved simply, unlike the present, and nothing is scary. Moreover: even the name is made up, you can change it at any time, and no one will recognize you. Mistakes are forgiven, retribution is symbolic, and life is eternal. Who would refuse such a thing? Therefore, adult sons choose the game in order to prolong the period of irresponsibility and impunity, as in early childhood. Why?

Because they are afraid of the irreversibility that is so characteristic of the real world. A dead friend cannot be returned, the girl went to another and also - not returned, the years pass and change the world, which will never be the same. Scary to say the least. But you won’t be able to play hide and seek with yourself forever, sooner or later you will have to emerge and look reality in the eye. Cowardice is the worst sin. This is what Yeshua said at Bulgakov's, and this is confirmed by life.

Of course, you shouldn't be as harsh with your son about his temporary weakness, but the truth is that your child is afraid to live. What to do? Remember the times when you punished him for mistakes or criticized his appearance, compared (not in his favor) with other boys. Perhaps you are a too domineering mother, who repeatedly encroached on his independence and as a result received a computer zombie ...

You can smell the smell without looking at the bun, and get a little distracted from the game. Stay next time, exchange a few words.

Everything is reminiscent of taming, small steps to restore trust. And if the son trusts you, he will go: first by the hand, like a little one, and then - into life.

Then let him go himself, and you will be happy for your adult son ... Good luck to him and to you.

Portal for the student. Self-training

Adult son does not want to work - what to do? If the son does not want to work what to do advice from a psychologist

Causes

Overprotection

Low requests

Self-doubt

Failure to plan

Shyness and complexity

Help

Talk about the future

Include in the general life of the family

Engage motivation

Chat with friends

Treatment by a psychologist

Conclusion

Adult son does not want to work - what to do?

The son does not want to work. What to do?

Question to a psychologist

Psychologists Answers

Personal life

Rudeness and secrecy

Doesn't want to work, wants money

Started to study, but suddenly stopped going to classes

My son does not leave the computer, he constantly plays

Question to a psychologist

Psychologists Answers

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna

Yarovaya Larisa Anatolievna

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna

Smirnova Alexandra Vladimirovna

Lizyaev Petr Yurievich

Subscribe to the journal "All Psychology"

The adult son does not want to work. What to do?

Step 1: Communicate and create a safe space

Step 2. Be interested in his hobbies

Step 3. Include in the overall life of the family

Step 4. Develop interest in yourself and other people

Step 5: Engage Motivation

Step 6. Look for a job together

Problems with an adult son - what to do?: ru_psiholog

Question to a psychologist

Psychologists Answers

Failure to plan

Fear of losing comfort

lack of independence

Lack of earning habit

What to do?

Step 1 . Improve communication and create a safe space

Step 2. Be interested in his hobbies

Step 3. Include in the overall life of the family

Step 4. Develop interest in yourself and other people

Step 5: Engage Motivation

Step 6. Look for a job together

Rudeness and secrecy

Doesn't want to work, wants money

Started to study, but suddenly stopped going to classes

My son does not leave the computer, he constantly plays

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