Even if you have not heard of such a term as passive aggression You must have experienced this phenomenon. Moreover, many of us behave like passive aggressors from time to time. However, for some this is a one-time, situational behavior, for others it is a “base model”. We propose to understand what is passive aggression and how to resist those who use it on us.

Under passive aggressors in this article, we mean those who often resort to such behavior- in general for life or in specific situations/ when interacting with specific people.

In relation to other people

Imagine a person who feels anger, hostility, anger, resentment towards someone, but cannot or does not want to express feelings openly. However, he still considers it necessary to demonstrate his negative attitude – so that outwardly it does not violate social, public, ethical norms, but eloquently conveyed his feelings and emotions.

And for this there are various means. Most common example- a “well-chosen” gift (say, a passive aggressor knows that a person he doesn’t like is on a diet, but still gives sweets; for a vegetarian, he will buy a barbecue set, and nuts for a person with bad teeth). Deliberately delaying deadlines at work (but so that formally it was impossible to try on disciplinary measures), actively imposing one’s opinion under the guise of caring (typical for tensions within the family, especially in mother-in-law-son-in-law, mother-in-law-daughter-in-law) and other options can be used. . All this is manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior patterns.

Its main feature is that with outwardly positive or neutral behavior, a person offends, offends, annoys, or in any other way negatively affects the one against whom given relation directed . This is precisely the meaning of passive aggression - to annoy, provoke anger, reciprocal aggression, etc., but formally look like it has nothing to do with it. From the outside, it turns out that the aggressor is white and fluffy, and his counterpart starts a conflict, is overly nervous and reacts violently to everything.

It is necessary to distinguish manifestations of passive aggression from very intrusive in their care or simply tactless people. The main difference is that the goal of the aggressor is to annoy, anger. Whereas caring / tactless do not set themselves such a task.

With regard to any matter

Passive aggression can concern not only the "objectionable person", but also "wrong business"(both at work and in personal life). Here, too, we may encounter delays in terms, with the fact that the task will not be done at all (under some plausible pretext) or done carelessly, just for show.
In such cases, the case often procrastinates to the very last moment, and then executed in a very fast pace or not performed at all.

Sometimes the aggressors initially they know that they will not do anything or they will, but carelessly However, for one reason or another, they cannot and do not want to say this directly. Here, the manifestation of passive aggression towards a person, towards whom our hero, in principle, may not experience negative feelings, is associated with the very fact that such a task was set.

Such passive-aggressive manifestations in life occur much more often, and even a person who does not usually resort to such a model can use it. For example, when he was given an ultimatum overtime work or when distant acquaintances climbed with inappropriate requests.

In general, passive aggression is manifestation of infantile behavior. Sometimes a person [sort of] is forced to resort to this method, because decency does not allow to do otherwise - because of subordination, because you do not want to completely spoil the relationship, because the aggressor is aware of the rightness of other people, but still feels annoyed and irritated. For example, a person may have a lot of work to do, but a colleague reminds him of a presentation that should have been done a week ago. Formally, our hero understands that the colleague has nothing to do with it, but he still gets angry with him and makes a presentation for show.

There are people who constantly resort to this model of expressing emotions and in fact learn from childhood. In particular, this may be due to the fact that a person strives with all his might to avoid direct conflict , because he does not know how or does not know how to behave in this case. The aggressor, as a rule, hopes that his "pokes on the sly", formally expressed in public acceptable form, will not lead to open conflict and
therefore chooses this form of expression of emotions.

Sometimes people generally not used to / afraid to show feelings openly. As a rule, such behavior is reinforced by parents in childhood, denying the right of a son or daughter to show emotions, saying that it is wrong, or even punishing them. An example is when a child is angry or crying, they answer “Well, why are you different, it’s still good”, “Well, stop crying right now”, “Don’t throw tantrums, there’s nothing like that”, etc. If the parents too often shut up the child in this way, without delving into his problem, little man an attitude is formed: feelings cannot be shown openly. But from this they themselves do not go anywhere, so the child gets used to expressing them in a veiled way. In adulthood, the aggressor, as it were, forces his opponent to start open conflict instead of yourself - well, when it is started (not by our hero), you can already show feelings openly.

Be that as it may, mature self-sufficient individuals do not resort to passive aggression towards other people.

How to deal with a passive aggressor?

Communication with a passive aggressor (if his behavior is directed in your direction) is usually associated with negative emotions, and often you cannot express them openly either - because of the same rules of decency or subordination that "forced" the aggressor to resort to his models. And sometimes the whole point is that formally no one has done anything bad to you and there seems to be nothing to conflict about. Nevertheless, the severity of communication looms, becomes a source of irritation and other negative emotions. Here are some tips on how to deal with manifestations of passive aggression.

1. Don't give in to provocation. The most obvious and most difficult advice. The goal of a passive aggressor is to piss you off, spoil your mood, and cause an open conflict. If he succeeded, then he won. Therefore, if you were given an unpleasant gift, smile and take it (and throw it away after the guests leave). Remain calm, do not snap back, do not show unpleasant emotions.
2. Think there is a chance to fix something. Here
   it is important not to understand the motives of another person (you may simply not know anything about them), but to decide a more fundamental question: is it worth working on relationships or is it useless. For example, if you understand that your significant other is passively aggressive towards you, close friend or good colleague, then it makes sense to try to fix something. But such an initiative is unlikely to be supported if the boss, parents of the spouse, etc. act as the aggressor.
3. Analyze whether this behavior is related to you personally and whether it is your fault. Sometimes the causes of aggression are such that it is beyond your power to influence them - it can be envy, chronic dislike of parents for any passions of their children, dissatisfaction with life. As mentioned above, about true reasons you may never know. On the other hand, if this behavior is obviously caused by some blunder on your part, consider how we can remedy the situation. Do not take on too much blame, but do not refuse responsibility, if any.
4. Act according to the situation. If you decide to work on the relationship when the emotions subside, try calmly discussing what happened. Do not blame anyone - otherwise you will slide into conflict. Imagine that your common task with the aggressor is to analyze the current situation and understand how to solve the problem. For example, “The client was very unhappy with yesterday's presentation. Let's think about what to do so that this doesn't happen again." If we are talking about "unrepairable" relationships, think about how you can minimize the influence of the aggressor on you. When it comes to mother-in-law / mother-in-law, etc., be sure to discuss the problem with your partner so that there are no offenses on his part (but do not blame anyone).
5. Share your feelings and thoughts. This point applies to those situations where the passive-aggressive model is applied by a person who is generally positive towards you.
   Try to explain (not blame!) why the current situation was unpleasant for you and why you would not want it to happen again. If your counterpart simply bends his line (“What’s wrong with that”, “I didn’t do anything”, “Why are you reacting like that”), don’t wait for his excuses - just explain yourself. If the aggressor makes rational arguments, listen to him - perhaps the reasons for this behavior lie where you would never think. However, such idealistic situations are unfortunately rare. First of all, because passive aggression is a sign of infantility, and those who have it are far from always ready for serious, adult conversations and admitting their guilt and responsibility.
6. Fight back. To act on a passive aggressor by his own methods means to sink to his level. Of course, his biggest disappointment will be yours (according to at least external) absolute impenetrability. Or maybe you should try to use it on the aggressor

Understanding the personality traits of manipulators is the first step to effective
interaction with them. To understand what these people are on
in fact, we must place them in an appropriate context. In this chapter I want to lay
a foundation of ideas about personality and character that will help you see the difference between
manipulators and other personality types and learn to confidently recognize a wolf in
sheep's clothing upon meeting him.

Personality with character disorders

The role of anxiety in the problems faced by the individual with
character disorders (IDC), is insignificant. On the contrary, IRCs lack
anxiety and alertness associated with their dysfunctional behavioral
models.
In individuals with severe character disorders, the voice of conscience may
to be absent at all. Most IRCs have a significantly underdeveloped conscience.
ICR's ability to feel genuine guilt or shame is impaired.
What may look like from the outside defense mechanism, is most likely
a powerful tactic that allows you to manipulate others and not give in
the requirements of society.
The IRCs may try to manipulate your ideas about them, but basically they are the ones who
they are.
The problematic aspects of the IRS personality are egosyntonic (that is, the IRS likes to be
himself and he is quite satisfied with his own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely seek help on their own.
yourself - usually this happens at the insistence of other people.
Behind the behavior of the IRC are erroneous thought patterns and false views.
Self-esteem of HRC is most often inflated, and exaggeration of one's own merits is not
serves as a compensation for an underlying sense of inferiority.
Adverse consequences and public stigma do not stop the IRC.
Although problem behavioral patterns of HSI may be habitual and
automatic, they are conscious and deliberate.
A person with character disorders has a high level of awareness and
understanding of herself, however, this does not prevent her from resisting attempts to change her views and
fundamental beliefs. IRS do not need insights - they need and are useful
framework, confrontation and, above all, behavior correction. Most suitable for
working with them is a cognitive-behavioral therapeutic approach.
As can be seen, on almost every point the differences between the neurotic and the personality
with character disorders are striking. First of all, people with personality disorders
think differently than most of us. AT last years researchers have realized
the importance of this fact. The way we think, what we believe, the attitude we have formed
to one thing or another - all this largely determines how we act. AT
In particular, this is precisely why, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with erroneous thought patterns and
support for a person's desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) -
a suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Research on Distortions in the Thinking Patterns of Individuals with Character Disorders
started a few years ago and focused primarily on mental
installations of criminals. After some time, the researchers came to the conclusion that
problematic thought patterns are common to all personality types with disorders
character. I borrowed descriptions of these problematic patterns, modified and supplemented
ready to present them brief description the most important of them.
Narcissism. People with personality disorders think about themselves all the time
yourself. They don't think about what others need or what effect they have on others.
their actions. This type of thinking breeds selfish life position and
neglect of obligations to society.
Ownership. Thinking pattern that views others as property
with which you can do as you see fit, and whose role is to
to please you. In addition, people with personality disorders tend to
objectification, that is, they see in others an object, and not independent individuals,
feeling dignity, rights and needs. This type
thinking gives rise to a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to declare
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism ("all or nothing"). A person with a personality disorder tends to
reject everything in general if he cannot get what he wants in full. If he's not really
at the top of the pyramid, it feels like floundering at its base. If someone disagrees with
him on some point, he believes that his opinion is not valued at all. This type
thinking prevents manifestations of moderation and a sense of balance and promotes
uncompromising.
Self-centeredness. A person with character disorders is so high
values ​​his personality, which ascribes to himself the right to whatever he wants. He doesn't think that
must somehow deserve what he wants, but, on the contrary, he is inclined to believe that everyone around him is in debt
in front of him. This type of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, arrogance and
confidence that everyone around him is in his debt.
shamelessness. A person with a personality disorder lacks a healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
be embarrassed if someone reveals the true essence of his character, but confusion from
the fact that he was seen through is by no means the same as a feeling of shame for a reprehensible
deed. Shamelessness breeds arrogance.
Haste and frivolity. A person with a personality disorder is always
seeks to get what he wants as easily as possible. He cannot bear to apply
effort or commitment. Gives him much more pleasure
fool people. This type of thinking creates a disdainful attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. A person with a personality disorder does not think about
how right or wrong his behavior is, he just starts acting and
takes whatever he needs, whatever social norms however, they were not violated. This type
thinking breeds irresponsibility and antisocial behavior.

Aggressive personality and its subtypes

Personality theorist Theodore Millon looks at aggressive personalities
as active-independent in terms of their interaction with others and the world at large.
He notes that such individuals actively take care that their
needs were satisfied, and tend not to become dependent on third-party
support. He also believes that there are two varieties of active-independent personality:
one can adjust its course of action sufficiently to
to exist in society; the other is unable to follow the requirements of the law. I don't
agrees that the epithet "aggressive" is most appropriate to describe
style interpersonal communication each subtype of an actively independent personality. Human
may well make it a rule to actively take care of himself without really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, in the case of an assertive person, whom I consider
healthiest of all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive personalities is not limited to the circle of hardened criminals, and I think
very deplorable is the fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
personalities with psychological disorders only a small subtype appears
active independent personality - antisocial personality.
Unlike the assertive personality, the aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with a certain degree of ruthlessness that exposes her
disregard for the rights and needs of others. Among the most
characteristic features of this personality: a predisposition to meet any life
challenges with an unyielding determination to "win"; irascible and intolerant character and
mentality; adaptability-reducing lack of ability to experience fear, weakness
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to occupy a dominant position;
exceptional contempt and disdain for those who are perceived as
weak. This is a "fighter" to the core.
An aggressive personality has a fair amount of narcissistic traits - sometimes it
even considered as a kind of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
notorious for her self-confidence and self-centeredness. Her own desires
plans, intentions - the only thing that matters to her. Anything that gets in the way of her goals
get out of the way at any cost.
Based on the characteristics of an actively independent personality, cited by Millon,
a series of studies on type A (aggressive) personalities, the results of an ongoing
study of some deeply aggressive personalities and the experience gained in the course of
many years of work with a wide variety of character disorders, I find
It is expedient to single out five basic types of aggressive personality:
unrestricted-aggressive, directed-aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and covert-aggressive. Although they have much in common, each of these types
has its own distinct unique features. Some are more dangerous than
others, and some are more difficult to understand. However, all aggressive personalities are essentially
make life difficult for those who work near them, live with them, or are under their
influence.
Unrestricted aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and cruel and
often behave in a criminal manner. These are the people whose behavior we usually call
antisocial. They are easily enraged, not cautious enough, not
have fears that help to adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
themselves risky and extremely prone to gross violation other people's rights. Many of them
spend a fair amount of their lives in places of deprivation of liberty, as they are simply unable to
obey the demands of society, even when it is in their own interest.
According to traditional ideas, these people became so because they grew up in
environment that instilled in them distrust of authorities and other people, and were
too traumatized by neglect and mistreatment to
learn to get close to other people. My many years of experience have convinced me that only in
in some cases, the hostility of such overtly aggressive characters is indeed
fueled by an extreme degree of distrust on the part of others. Even fewer of them
number have an innate predisposition to alertness and suspicion (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that in most cases
unbridled aggressiveness is explained not so much by mistrust and suspicion,
how much simply increased readiness of the individual to express aggression even when it
meaningless, unreasonable and is generated simply by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and without regard for the consequences for themselves and everyone else. At the same time, in
biographies of most of them showed neither neglect, nor mistreatment, nor
unfavorable conditions. Moreover, some grew up in the most wonderful environment.
Thus, many of our traditional ideas about these personalities need to be
revision. One of the researchers noted that it seems that the only reliable factor
common to all the variety of "criminals" with whom he happened to
collide - the pleasure they get from unlawful, illegal
actions.
Directional aggressive personality generally directs its open aggression towards
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sports, the army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. Rigidity, willfulness and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. They may talk openly about how to "bury" an opponent or
"break" the opponent. Usually they do not cross the line separating their behavior from
really antisocial, but one should not be surprised when it does happen.
The point is that they social conformity explained more by practical
considerations rather than true adherence to principles or submission to higher
authorities. Therefore, they may well break the rules and cause unnecessary damage,
if they feel it will be justified or they can get away with it.
Sadistically aggressive personality- Another openly aggressive type. Like
all other aggressive personalities, they seek to gain power and subjugate
the rest. However, people of this type get special pleasure from watching how the
and their victim who is in distress grovels. For other varieties
aggressive personality causing pain or harm to anyone who stands in the way of what they
necessary, - just the costs of the struggle. The goal of most aggressive personalities is
win, not damage. In their understanding, if someone is hurt simply because
was under their feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys
causing people to humiliate and suffer. Like other aggressive personalities, sadists want
control and subjugate, but unlike others, they get special pleasure if
while insulting and humiliating their victim.
Predatory-aggressive type(sometimes called a psychopath or sociopath) –
the most dangerous among all aggressive personalities. Probably the most prominent
an expert in this area is Robert Hare, whose book “Deprived of conscience. Frightening
world of psychopaths" is a very easy to read and very valuable, albeit
a chilling introduction to this area. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare.
phenomenon. However, I have encountered a fair number of them throughout my career.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their dishonesty
hands go down. They tend to consider themselves superior beings for whom ordinary
humans are just fair game. They are the most pronounced manipulators and inveterate
scammers who profit from using and abusing other people
trust. At the same time, they can behave charmingly and disarmingly. Like skillful
predators, they carefully study all the vulnerabilities of their prey and are capable of the most
vile victimization without the slightest remorse and remorse. Luckily,
most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Some traits are common to different types of aggressive personality. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relatively
insensitive to the fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their picture of the world and way of thinking
reality is distorted in such a way as to justify their extremely aggressive
position and eliminate the need to assume and be responsible for one’s own
behavior. Their distorted, wrong thought patterns in recent years
repeatedly become the subject of research. Because different types
aggressive personality has so much in common, then one subtype often also shows some
traits of another. So, a predominantly antisocial personality can carry
some elements of sadism or hidden aggressiveness, and covert-aggressive - to show
certain antisocial tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have much in common with
narcissistic. Both types have an inflated ego, both are sure that everyone around them owes them. Both
tend to exploit interpersonal relationships. Both are emotionally independent, then
there is a matter of satisfying their needs rely only on themselves. Millon describes
narcissists as a passive-independent personality type, since their preoccupation with themselves leads
them to the certainty that they simply do not need anyone around. They don't need
do anything to show their competence and superiority, since they and
so completely convinced of it. But if narcissists are so self-absorbed that they can
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals,
on the contrary, they are actively involved in activities designed to support their independence and
protect it from encroachment, and actively violate the rights of others in order to protect their own
goals and maintain a dominant position.

covert aggressive personality

It can be expected that a covert-aggressive personality, being a subspecies of aggressive,
will also have some common features with daffodils. However, covertly aggressive
personalities have many unique features that make them distinct, distinctly
distinct type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality, they
differ primarily in the way they fight. They fight for what they want and
achieve power over others, using elusive, cunning, insidious
ways. On mature reflection, it is clear that they are much closer to personalities with
character disorders than neurotics. To the extent that they have
neurotic, they may be deceived about the true nature of their character and
own covert-aggressive behavior. The closer they are to individuals with
character disorders, the more actively they deceive only those whom they have chosen for themselves
victim.
The unwillingness of hidden-aggressive individuals to show open aggression -
a pragmatic trait that allows them to save face. Manipulators know that explicit
aggression will meet resistance. Having learned that the best way to overcome an obstacle is
get around it, they become masters of the fight, which is fought by any means, but
secretly.
Some personality theorists consider a key trait
covertly aggressive or manipulative personalities that extraordinary pleasure, with
with which they fool their victims. But I am convinced that their intentions are those
the same as other aggressive individuals. They just want to win and realized that
covert methods of warfare suit their purposes best. That's what I consider them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive personalities always strive to insist on their own or "win."
Any life situation for them, as well as for all other aggressive personalities, is
a challenge to accept and a fight to win.
2. Hidden-aggressive individuals seek power over other people and seek
subdue them. They always want to be one step ahead and in control. They are
use a whole arsenal of inconspicuous, but effective techniques to get and
maintain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They resort to certain
tricks that force others to defend themselves, concede or give up something and
at the same time mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Covertly aggressive personalities can be deceptively polite, charming, and
attractive. They know how to present themselves in a favorable light and how to position
you to yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and do
so that you drop your intuitive distrust and give them what they want.
4. Hidden-aggressive personalities can also be unscrupulous, insidious and
vindictive fighters. They know how to take advantage of any of your weaknesses and strengthen
onslaught, barely noticing signs of indecision in your behavior. They know how to get
take you by surprise and not let you prepare. And if they think you crossed their path or
tried to take over them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. For
their battle is not over until they have won.
5. Hidden-aggressive personalities are characterized by a deep deficit of conscience. Like everyone else
other aggressive personalities, they lack internal "brakes". They know that
good and bad, but don't let that knowledge get in the way of what you want. For them
the end always justifies the means. Thus, they deceive themselves and others.
about what they are actually doing.
6 Covert Aggressive Personalities Abuse interpersonal relationships and
use them for their own purposes. They see people as pawns in a game (or battle, if you will).
life. With an aversion to weakness as such, they take advantage of every
lack of their "opponents".
As in the case of any other types, psychopathology is expressed in covert-aggressive
personalities in varying degrees. At the most serious violations interpersonal style
interaction between covert-aggressive personalities goes far beyond the simple
manipulativeness. Covert-aggressive personality with severe disorders
character are able to hide a fair amount of ruthlessness and lust for power under the guise
feigned politeness and even a certain charm. Some of them show
distinctly psychopathic traits. Jim Jones and
David Koresh. However, although the behavior of a covert-aggressive personality can be much

(Jim Jones is an American preacher, founder of the Peoples Temple religious organization. In 1978
year convinced the people of Jonestown (a village founded by members of the Peoples Temple) to commit a mass
suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader and leader of the Branch Davidian sect. Was caught
in sexual relations with minors, was accused of attempted murder, but was acquitted.
He died in 1993 during an FBI siege of the Mount Carmel estate, which belonged to members of the sect.)

richer than simple manipulativeness, real manipulators in the vast majority
their own are covert-aggressive personalities.

Differences between a covert-aggressive personality and passive-aggressive and other types

Just as passivity and covert aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and latent-aggressive personalities are strikingly
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of the passive-aggressive, or
negativistic, such as very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
life, but fear they lack the ability to do so effectively. Their insecurities
and hesitations about whether to take care of oneself or rely on it
predominantly on others, firmly connect them with those who are with them in
any relationship. They constantly want and beg others for support and guardianship.
However, since the dependent and subordinate position irritates them, they often try to
get a taste of personal power, resisting cooperation with the very people whose
looking for support. Unable to make a decision on their own, they may shift
it on your shoulders. When you accept it, they are slow to follow it. In dispute with you
they may decide that they have had enough and wish to be eliminated. But in fear that behind such
elimination may be followed by emotional rejection, they remain and sulk until
until you start begging them to tell you what's wrong. Living with a passive-aggressive
personality can be very difficult, because it often seems that it is impossible to please her.
In his book How to Live with a Passive-Aggressive Person, Scott Wetzler
well describes the passive-aggressive type and life next to him, although often not
distinguishes between passivity and latent aggressiveness to a sufficient extent.
The treatment of passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients may whine and
complain about the lack of support from the therapist, but hardly does the therapist try to provide
her, immediately rear up and meet the therapist’s proposals with objections like “yes,
but…” and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easily distinguish such pronouncedly "ambivalent" characters, driven by
increased sensitivity to shame, from more cunning, calculating manipulators,
which I call covert-aggressive. However, sometimes therapists who are unfamiliar with more
precise terms, mistakenly use the concept of manipulators to describe manipulators
"passive-aggressive", thus trying to more clearly identify the elusive
aggressiveness inherent in these manipulators. Hidden-aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as obsessive-compulsive. We've all come across perfectionists
pedants and highly organized people. We highly appreciate these qualities of theirs,
when they check our tax returns or doing brain surgery. Yes,
some compulsive people can be assertive, domineering, overwhelming and
controlling. But this happens because they also have a hidden
aggressiveness. The ostensible adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism that allows you to gain power and subjugate others.
Obsessive-compulsive personality with covert aggression are people who
trying to shove their standards down everyone else's throats.
Covert aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, although almost
always have narcissistic traits. People who think too much of themselves
necessarily trying to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference because they are self-absorbed. However, some
self-centered people demonstrate active disrespect for the needs of others and
deliberately mistreat other people, turning them into their victims. To
To reflect this, some writers distinguish between mild and hard-core narcissism. However, I
I believe that the difference between people who are so self-absorbed that they do not show
attention to the rights and needs of others, and people who systematically
exploiting and victimizing others is that the latter, in addition to
narcissistic traits have a pronounced aggressiveness. In this way,
egoists who skillfully manipulate and exploit others are not just narcissists, but
also covert-aggressive personality.
Most covertly aggressive personalities are not antisocial.
Since they disregard the rights and needs of others, they have
lack of conscience, actively seek advantages over other people and resort to
by any means, except perhaps for obvious violations of the law and overt aggression,
there is a great temptation to call their behavior antisocial. Manipulations really come in
into the arsenal of some anti-social individuals. However, manipulators do not violate
the most significant social norms, do not lead a criminal lifestyle and do not show
gross aggression towards others, although in principle they are capable of this. It was
Several attempts have been made to accurately describe the inherent nature of manipulative people.
calculating, cunning, controlling style interpersonal interaction. To them
trying on every conceivable label, from sociopaths to maliciously narcissistic and even how
suggested Scott Peck, "vicious" personalities. Based on my feelings from people with
elusive aggression in character, many call them passive-aggressive. However, neither
one of these labels does not capture the essence of a manipulative personality. It is important to be aware that
manipulation usually involves covert aggression so skillful manipulators
These are covertly aggressive individuals.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to his hidden aggressiveness
may have other personality traits. So, in addition to manipulativeness, he can
have a certain amount of narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisocial and other tendencies. But, as one of my friends remarked, “it doesn’t matter if he is gray
or brown, long or short ears, a lot of wool or little - if he is big, with
tusks and with a trunk, then this is definitely an elephant. If the person you are dealing with has
those key features that are described above, it does not matter what else he has - before
you have a covert-aggressive personality.
Because predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personalities are masters
manipulation, there is a temptation to view covert-aggressive personality as soft
psychopath variant. This point of view has the right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
cunning and manipulative among aggressive personalities. Fortunately, they are
are rather an exception. The same manipulative personalities that are described in this
book, common in much more and, although they can also up to a certain
degree to sow chaos and devastation in the lives of their victims, yet not as dangerous as
psychopaths.

How is a covert-aggressive personality formed?

Aggressive personality is formed in different ways. I have met individuals whose
childhood was so steeped in neglect and mistreatment that they were
simply forced to become strong "fighters" in order to survive. But I have seen many
those who were too eager to fight throughout their lives, although they grew up in the very
caring and supportive environment imaginable. Arises
the feeling that these people derailed the process of their socialization quite early and
that the formation of their character at all stages proceeded under strong influence them
excessive militancy. However, regardless of which was stronger
influence - nature or nurture - most covertly aggressive personalities in childhood
the years somehow missed one important lessons about managing their aggression and
too focused on others. Judging by those life stories with whom I
had a chance to get acquainted, latent-aggressive personalities usually demonstrate the following
limitations:
1. They do not know how to figure out in which cases a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, all everyday life is a battle, and everything that stands in the way of
desired, - "enemy". Obsessed with "winning", they want to fight too much and
are on high alert.
2. They never allowed for the idea that "winning" in the long run is often
implies a readiness to retreat, take a step aside or submit to
short term. They are not able to recognize those moments when they should
succumb. The categorical rejection of the very idea of ​​obedience does not allow them to go to those
small concessions that often lead to "victory" later.
3. They don't know how to fight the battle honestly and constructively. Maybe they
learned a lesson that now forces them to distrust their ability to win
fair fight. Perhaps they were never ready to be subjected to
the risk of injury. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they discovered that the hidden struggle
more efficient. Be that as it may, they somehow learned to go to "victory" (according to
at least in the short term) by secret and treacherous paths.
4. Because they hate to obey, they deprive themselves of the opportunity to see that
admitting defeat can carry certain constructive benefits. I believe,
that all aggressive personalities (and personalities with character disorders) at the heart of a clear
inability to draw from previous experience the lessons that we would like to teach them,
is the same mechanism. True assimilation (that is, internalization) of life
lesson always implies submission to some higher authority, force, or moral
principle. Aggressive personalities do not change because they do not want to obey.
5. They do not know how to go beyond their childish selfishness and self-centeredness.
They are not able to realize that the mere desire to receive something can be
not enough to be eligible. For them, the whole world is their property.
Having learned to achieve their own manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
From this, their already overgrown self-esteem is inflated even more.
6 They Haven't Learned to Really Respect weak spots other people and empathize with them.
Any vulnerability of another person for them is just their own advantage.
Despising other people's weaknesses (especially emotional ones), they hone their skills beyond measure.
find and use the emotional "leverage" of their victims.

Fertile ground for covert aggression

Some professions, fields of activity and public institutions
provide an excellent opportunity for covertly aggressive individuals to exploit others
people for their own purposes. Politics, law enforcement, religion - these are some of the brightest
examples. I do not mean to say that any politician, police officer or religious
the actor is necessarily a manipulative person. However, manipulators, being
secret power-hungry, can't resist that brilliant opportunity
assert themselves and wield considerable power under the guise of execution
debt that these spheres open to them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, Sunday night “success” sellers, and militant
public activists, exposing articles about which then fell on the first
strips of newspapers, from the point of view of the mode of action, did not fundamentally differ from those
covert-aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. it
are just extreme extreme cases. The more insidious and skillful
a covert-aggressive personality uses manipulation techniques, the easier it is for her to take
an influential position with wide powers.

How to recognize a manipulator and deal with him

It is easy to fall prey to the cunning tricks of a covert-aggressive personality. If you
want to avoid victimization, you should do the following.
1. Get to know the nature of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
they want and how they act. Study them so closely that you immediately recognize any of them.
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book are written to help you
feel the spirit of covert-aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the favorite tricks of covert-aggressive people who
allow them to manipulate and control others. Need to make clear
an idea not only of what covert-aggressive personalities are like, but also of how
they can behave. In general, one can expect from them any steps leading to
"victory", but learn the most common tricks and learn to notice them
application is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Learn the typical fears and weaknesses that make you especially defenseless.
before the tricks of hidden-aggressive personalities. Knowing your vulnerabilities is perhaps your
most powerful tool effective resistance to the manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change about your own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
The use of methods such as those presented in Chapter 10 can radically change
the nature of your communication with other people and will allow you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
you.
The stories presented in the next few chapters are called more closely
introduce you to the nature of manipulative people. In every chapter to the fore
one of distinguishing features latent aggressive personality. In all these stories
I tried to clearly show the main intentions of the manipulator, the techniques that he
used to carry out these intentions, and the weaknesses of the victim, by which he
enjoyed.

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Passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is actions that express anger, but look like unintentional mistakes to the person himself. Usually, people who, due to their beliefs or upbringing, cannot express anger at another person or refuse him something .

An example of passive-aggressive behavior: a parent asked a child to clean the floors, but the child does not want to do it. He cannot refuse, so he washes the floors, but it is so bad that the parent has to wash them. In this case, the purpose of this behavior is to ensure that the parents no longer ask the child to mop the floors. In addition, the child may already be angry for the parents about something, so it gives him special pleasure to watch the parent get angry and clean the floors himself.

One more example. The girl is angry with her young man for the fact that he does not propose marriage to her, but cannot express his anger, as he believes that a girl should not be imposed. She can make a mess at home, knowing that the guy really appreciates order, or be late all the time, knowing how important punctuality is to him.

If a passive-aggressive person refuses, expresses anger, or deliberately retaliates, they will experience strong feeling guilt, because he believes that it is not good to do so. However, if he does something bad not intentionally, but unintentionally, then he is rarely angry in response, because he is not to blame. When there is a ban on the expression of negative emotions, they still manifest themselves in one way or another in behavior: either in an irritated intonation, or in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.

What are passive-aggressive behaviors? One of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors is to forget something important to another person, such as buying some product that the other person cannot eat without, or forgetting papers that are important to that person. Constant delays of 20-40 minutes, with which a person is simply completely unable to do anything, is also an example of passive aggression.

The unconscious goal of passive aggression is to get revenge on another person for something, most often for their inability to say "no" when that person asks for something. The passive-aggressive person first agrees to do something unpleasant to himself, unable to refuse, and then takes revenge and watches the other person upset or angry, and receives unconscious satisfaction from the fact that he is punished.

The second goal is to get away from punishment for revenge. If we commit acts that cause anger in other people, then we are punished for this in the form of their discontent, reciprocal anger, or refusal to do some actions we need. Passive-aggressive behavior is usually not seen as intentional by other people, and therefore, as a result, it manages to get away from immediate retribution, although the relationship gradually deteriorates, as the other person is still angry at such actions and begins to avoid communication.

If you are interacting with a passive-aggressive person and cannot stop communicating with him, then I advise you to make sure that the second goal of such behavior is not realized. When you are angry about something in the behavior of another person, express your irritation, insist that such behavior stop; say that it doesn’t matter to you whether the person does it by accident or on purpose.

You cannot force the other person to do otherwise, but you can make the purpose of such actions become clear to them. Most often in this case, a person stops doing this if the relationship with you is important to him and if he has reason to think that such actions will affect your communication.

Find and reveal the reasons for passive-aggressive actions, for example, say: “It seems to me that you didn’t want to do something for me, but you didn’t say no to me, and now you forgot something and thus took revenge on me.” Usually unconscious manipulations cannot be carried out further if the person begins to understand that he is taking revenge. Such a realization can happen if you repeatedly link what could upset the person and what he "accidentally" did.

Passive aggressiveness is an indirect expression of anger in which the person tries to upset or hurt you in a way that isn't obvious. The difficulty lies in the fact that it is easy for such a person to deny the presence of bad intentions. People tend to be passive-aggressive because they don't handle conflict properly. However, there are ways to help such a person become aware of their own behavior and solve the problem of passive aggression through communication.

Steps

Part 1

Get to know the signs. The insidious nature of passive aggression lies in the fact that a person can plausibly deny such behavior. In response to your accusations, he may say that he does not understand what it is about, or accuse you of overreacting. Always trust your feelings and learn to recognize passive aggression.

Make sure you don't exaggerate. It may seem that the person is trying to annoy you, but it is also possible that you are simply overly suspicious and take everything personally. Assess your weaknesses - in the past, have you often come across people who complicate your life? Does this person look like them? Are you suggesting that he behaves the same way?

Notice how the person makes you feel. When interacting with a passive-aggressive person, you may feel frustrated, angry, and even desperate. It may seem as if you are simply unable to please a person, no matter what you say or do.

• You may be hurt by the fact that you are the host of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, a person may give you a silent boycott.
• You may be confused by the fact that a person constantly complains, but does nothing to fix the situation. Follow your instincts.
• Being around such a person can be exhausting or draining, as you expend too much energy to deal with passive-aggressive behavior.

Part 2

Reaction to passive-aggressive behavior

1. Always keep a positive attitude. Strength positive thinking helps to cope with daily activities. People with passive-aggressive behavior will try to suck you into a funnel of negativity. Sometimes they try to cause a negative reaction in order to shift their attention to you in response and appear as if they are not guilty. Don't allow it.

   • Stay positive so you don't stoop to their level. Don't give these people a reason. Do not insult them, do not shout and do not get annoyed. By staying calm, you will be more advantageous position to focus on their actions, not yours. Being angry will only divert attention from the real problems.
   • Model positive behavior. When communicating with children and adults, respond to your conflicts so that others know how to interact with you. Passive aggression emits emotions, hiding them behind a mask of indifference. Instead, be open, honest, and express your emotions directly. When confronted with passive-aggressive behaviors such as defiant silence, steer the conversation in a productive direction.

2. Always keep calm. If you are upset, then take your time to make decisions and first calm down (walk, turn on music and dance, solve a crossword puzzle), and then decide what you want to get from this situation, that is, what a reasonable outcome you can come to terms with.

   • Control your emotions, especially anger. Don't directly accuse people of being passive-aggressive, it will only allow them to deny everything and accuse you of making a big deal of the problem, overreceptiveness or suspicion.
   • Do not under any circumstances go out of your way. Don't let the person realize that he or she was able to get you out. This will only reinforce their behavior and everything will happen again.
   • Restrain yourself from showing retaliatory anger or other emotionally charged reaction. This way you will take matters into your own hands and make yourself look like someone who shouldn't be pushed around.

3. Start a conversation about the problem. As long as you maintain emotional fortitude, self-respect, and calmness, it is best to simply express how you see the situation. For example: “I may be wrong, but I guess you were upset that Dima was not invited to the party. Let's discuss this?"

   • Be direct and to the point. If you express your thoughts indistinctly and speak common phrases, then a person with passive-aggressive behavior can easily twist what was said. If you are going to confront such a person, it is better to speak directly.
   • The danger of confrontation is generated by the possibility of free interpretation of phrases like “You are back to the old again!”. So you will not come to anything, it is better to immediately say about concrete action. So, if a silent boycott annoys you, then give an example of a specific case when it took place.

4. The person must be aware that he is upset. You don't have to escalate the situation, but stay firm and say, "It looks like you're really upset right now" or "It looks like something's bothering you."

Part 3

How to protect yourself from passive-aggressive behavior

Set boundaries for these people. You don't want to start a fight, of course, but you also don't want to become a punching bag for passive-aggressive people. This is one form of abuse that can harm you. You have every right to set boundaries.

• A common mistake is being too soft. By giving in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose the threads of control over the situation. This is a kind of power struggle. You can stay calm and positive attitude, but at the same time remain strong and firm in their decisions.
• Observe established boundaries. Make it clear that you will not tolerate mistreatment. If the person is constantly late and makes you nervous, let them know that the next time you are late, you will just go to the movies without them. This is one way of saying that you are not going to pay the price for someone else's behavior.

1. Find and address the root of the problem. The best way to deal with such anger is to assess all prospects as early as possible. To do this, you need to understand the root cause of anger.

   • If such a person is not characterized by angry behavior, then talk to mutual acquaintances who can know the reason and recognize the signs of emerging anger in time.
   • Dig deeper and fairly evaluate the reasons pushing for such behavior. Passive aggression is usually a symptom of other problems.

2. Learn assertive communication. Communication can be aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive. The productivity of all these types is inferior to assertive communication.

3. Know when it's best to avoid the person entirely. If a person regularly engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then it is obviously better to stop communicating with him. Your well being is more important.

   • Find ways to see such a person as little as possible and not be alone. Always be on the team.
   • If such people bear only negative energy, then think twice whether it is worth communicating with them in principle.

4. Do not share information that can be used against you. Don't tell passive-aggressive people personal information, their emotions and thoughts.

   • Such people may ask questions that at first glance seem innocent and without malice. Feel free to answer them, but don't go into details. Be friendly, but keep your answers short and vague.
   • Avoid talking about your feelings and weaknesses. Passive-aggressive personalities often memorize such details, even mentioned in passing, and later use them against you.

5. Seek help from an intermediary. This should be an objective third party HR representative, a close (but objective) relative, or a mutual friend. The bottom line is to engage a person who is trusted not only by you, but also by your passive-aggressive interlocutor.

   • Before meeting with the mediator, let him or her know about your concerns. Try to look at the situation from someone else's point of view and understand what generates anger. Avoid being judgmental and try to understand the reasons for the repulsive behavior in a situation where you are trying to help.
   • In a one-on-one conversation, you run the risk of hearing "Come on, it's just a joke" or "You're overreacting." That is why it is better to involve a third party.

6. Communicate the consequences if the person does not change behavior. Because passive-aggressive personalities act covertly, they almost always resist attempts to change their behavior. Denials, excuses, and arrow translations are just a few of the patterns.

   • Regardless of the answer, state what you intend to do. It is important to give one or two harsh consequences to encourage such a person to reconsider his behavior.
   • The ability to understand and outline the consequences is one of the most effective ways force the passive-aggressive person to “give in.” Properly communicated consequences will stop complex person and can change his unwillingness to cooperate.

7. Reinforce appropriate behavior. In the context of behavioral psychology, reinforcement refers to something you do or give to a person after they have adhered to certain behavior. The goal of reinforcement is to increase the frequency of this behavior.

   • It can mean a reward for good behavior to be kept, or a punishment for bad behavior to get rid of. Positive reinforcement is not the easiest of tasks because negative behavior more striking than positive. Always try to consider good behavior so you don't miss an opportunity to reinforce it.
   • For example, if a passive-aggressive person opens up and articulates their feelings honestly (“I feel like you’re doing this to me on purpose!”), that’s a great sign! Fix this behavior following words: Thanks for sharing with me. I really appreciate that you can tell me how you feel."
   • This will draw positive attention to good behavior, will let you know the emotions. Now you can try to start an open dialogue.
• If you find fault, grumble and get angry, then you will only ignite the conflict and give the person more excuses and reasons not to recognize responsibility.
• By coming to terms with such behavior or accepting someone else's responsibility, you allow and encourage passive-aggressive behavior.
• People who engage in this behavior often feel pride in their ability to control their emotions.