For some reason, in society, it is either customary to avoid talking about death, or they consider this topic nowhere inappropriate and unpleasant. The topic of death is bypassed and some even cross themselves whenever the conversation concerns rituals or the dead. Why is this happening? Why do we have such fear in the face of death? For most people, death is the worst thing that can happen on our planet. Even from childhood, we are afraid of death. As children, we are afraid to tell the truth that our beloved pet did not leave and did not evaporate, but died.

Still, to be afraid of death is a wrong attitude. If you look, then death is not something in a black robe and with a scythe. Death is just a process. Physiological process. Another thing is whether this process occurs naturally or not. Then the conclusion is asked that it is not death itself that is worth fearing, but how it will overtake us. But after all, we are people and we are not immortal, therefore it is also wrong to live in fear all our lives, because sooner or later death will find everyone and we are all equal before it!

In fact, we are afraid of the unknown. What will happen next, after death... Will I feel pain? Will I go to some other realm? What if heaven and hell really exist? What if I go to hell? All these questions scare us.

However, when someone close to us dies, we think of something completely different. We hurt. We cannot let go of a person and his soul. We are attached to him and we cannot imagine that he was only yesterday, and now we need to live without him ... We are passing different stages. There is even a stage when you want to "leave" after your loved one, who died. And at such times it is very important that someone was near. Usually, moralizing and various abstruse phrases from the cinema do not help when a person has such grief. You just need to let this person know that he is not alone. Make it clear that his life goes on, but it is better not to say this phrase to him. Indeed, at the moment of such anguish, he most likely will not even hear the meaning in it.

When a dear and beloved person dies, we become discouraged. We cannot accept the fact that death takes the best and most important people to us. We cannot accept death itself. We hate death! We blame her for everything! But who - her? After all, it's not a person. It is something intangible. Why blame anyone at all? Also, blame what is inherently natural.

Strange, but we know, always know and realize that people die. We can even perceive with indifference the news about the death of some strangers, because this is a natural process to which we are all accustomed, but when a loved one dies, we seem to learn for the first time that life is not endless. As if time stops and comes the realization of one's own helplessness and the transience of time. We begin to understand that everyone "leaves" and someday we will have to "leave" ourselves.

How do you come to terms with the death of a loved one?

How to come to terms with the death of a person in general? Is it possible to come to terms with this? These are more rhetorical questions, because you can’t just work out a certain algorithm of “resignation to death”. You can’t just open the manual, read it and accept it.

We all know one simple phrase: "time heals." In fact, of course, it does not heal and leaves scars in the form of memory. It is not able to completely heal the pain of loss, but it gradually helps to find that very humility! We live every day and get used to doing it without a loved one who has already gone to another world. We do not resign ourselves to death itself. We find strength in ourselves and get used to living without this person.

How to deal with the death of a husband or wife.

Sooner or later there will come a time when you want to live on full life. You need to mourn your soul mate and move on! There is even in religions, and simply in traditions, such a rule that a widowed person needs to mourn for a year and mourn his spouse. And then, time... Over time, awareness will come, such a sobering awareness of reality and the need to live, and not exist in mourning and despondency.

How to come to terms with the death of a mother or father.

This is a very long process. Humility comes with time, but the residue remains forever. You just need to learn to live with this sediment. It is impossible to come to terms with death, but once you come to terms with the fact that your mother or your father has died.

With this, you can learn to live and even sometimes feel complete, but mother and father will always be the closest people in the world, so they will always be missed. The thought of not having a mom or dad will always hurt. With this pain, however, you can live fully. Just taking it for granted.

How to deal with the death of a loved one.

Believers are saved from despondency and unbearable grief in the church. They are in constant prayer. No, it will not help to come to terms with death, but it will definitely ease the mental pain. Faith generally helps not to fall into despondency, because despondency itself is a sin. And religion gives a lot of hope. Every Christian, for example, knows that the soul lives forever, and when a person dies, there is no need to grieve for a long time, because the soul has gone to better world and you just need to accept that a person is not around. But he is where he is good! A believer knows that death occurs when it is pleasing to God and means that his time has come!

Kindness will help ease the burden of the soul. That is, doing good to others. You can help those in need and feel grace from the fact that grief gives rise to something good and new, and does not take you into the world of shadows and depression. You need to direct all your energy for the better. Let death give birth to life and goodness!

You can relieve yourself of suffering by doing something you love. Or, for example, to do some business that a now deceased person close to you wanted to do during his lifetime. Perhaps you wanted to do something together, but did not have time. It will become much easier for you if you find the strength in yourself and bring this matter to the end or even start! You can be sure that the soul of your loved one will rejoice! And this will make it easier for you!

We think too much about death, although at the same time we easily waste our time on some nonsense, on some useless things. Often we know that we could do something good, but laziness prevails over us. Sometimes we don't find time for our loved ones. We rarely tell them what we feel. We rarely hug, rarely let them love us. And most importantly, we do not always appreciate what they do for us. We are not always honest with them and more often closed to them. And we begin to appreciate only after we lose ...

Probably, every person once experienced or will experience the feeling when his loved one "leaves". And it's very important point. After all, then you begin to look at life differently. In this world, everything is so interconnected and everything is not just like that. All sorrows are given to us so that we learn to appreciate life and what we have. No matter how painful it is from losses, namely, they are the most important lessons of humanity. And even children should tell the truth right away. The truth that their grandfather or grandmother, cat or hamster died, and not, for example, turned into a bird and flew away. Then the child will have the opportunity to mourn a loved one with you and in the way it is needed. Without lies. It is necessary to instill from childhood the understanding that life is not eternal, that it is one and must be appreciated. And there is nothing wrong with a child understanding what loss is. The most important thing is how to present it. Well, it’s better to present it right away, because the child already feels that something is wrong and let him better immediately understand what happened than illusions will be built around him in order to preserve the imaginary cloudless children’s world.

No need to try to come to terms with death. You just need to realize that this is not something good or bad. It just is, like life! And everything has its time. And we just have to appreciate each other, respect and help! And, of course, not to "burn through" your life, but try to bring as much as possible more benefit try to enjoy life itself and what is given to us more.

How to deal with the loss of a loved one.

The death of a loved one is the hardest life test which cannot be influenced in any way. At this point, a person loses emotional connection and experiences an endless sense of guilt towards the deceased. These feelings can drive you crazy. How do you get over the death of a loved one? How not to break down and learn to live on?

Support - the most important aspect at the loss of a loved one.

In no case should you forbid feeling sorry for yourself, because the help of loved ones is priceless at the moment. Do not reject, let yourself be hugged, kissed and touched.

You should also not be alone, because at night, feelings and emotions are significantly aggravated, and no one has yet canceled nightmares.

Don't be afraid of emotions.

Do you feel very bad, the state of depression oppresses and drives you to madness? Do not be afraid to splash out the accumulated emotions. If you want to break plates - break them, if you want to cry - cry, if you want to scream - scream with all your might. Give free rein to emotions, otherwise the accumulated feelings can engulf the soul and leave an indelible mark for the rest of your life.

Don't blame yourself.

Aggression and negative feelings towards yourself? Not worth it! In this case, it is necessary to realize that death is something that is destined for everyone from above. You should also not take out your anger on relatives and, especially, children. They need your support right now.

Accept, but don't forget.

You should not think that what is happening is a dream. Try to accept the death of a loved one in reality. And the sooner you do this, the sooner you will come to terms with the loss.

A very effective therapy in this case is a conversation with the deceased. Shout how hard it is for you, speak out loud about your experiences, feelings, emotions. Yes, it is quite difficult, but after a while you will be able to understand that you will never see this person again. Humble yourself, but do not forget - this is the main rule!

Empathy.

If your life resembles continuous suffering, grief, pity, guilt - try to switch to the state of other people.

Genuine human interest in other people's problems will divert your attention from the accompanying grief.
If you can’t adjust to other people’s difficulties, at least try to communicate with those who are happy to talk about their hard life. Such communication will help you look at the current situation in a different way.

Inner desire.

When a person has an inner desire to overcome grief and piercing pain, his raging emotions will soon be replaced by a more calm and balanced perception of what happened, and instead of an aggravating feeling, a slight sadness and thoughtfulness will come.

Finally…

Unfortunately, our world is arranged in such a way that not a single person living in it thinks that he will lose his loved one. It is painful and sad to realize that you will never be able to lie with this person, hug him, discuss the past day, ask him to buy bread in the store. From that moment on, life turns upside down, and it seems that everything is over. And it is at this time that you begin to appreciate what you will not return. Time is priceless.

Grief as a reaction to the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult trials encountered in a person's life. When providing psychological assistance to those who have suffered a loss, knowledge of the patterns of experiencing grief helps. On the one hand, grief is a deeply individual, difficult process. On the other hand, there are relatively universal stages that it goes through in its course. Different authors describe different concepts of mourning, differing in the number and content of the stages. However, they mostly overlap with each other and can be summarized in a single concept that includes five stages. At the same time, it is worth mentioning that the stages of grief described below represent a certain average version of its course, and in each specific case, the number of stages, their sequence, duration and manifestations can vary markedly. In addition, the boundaries between stages are more often blurred, at the same time manifestations of different stages can be observed, and the transition from one of them to another can be replaced by a return back.

The following description of the stages of experiencing loss can be useful both for specialists who provide professional assistance in experiencing grief (psychologists, psychotherapists), and for the bereaved people themselves and those around them. At the same time, it is important to remember that a grieving person will not necessarily experience each of the stages and all the feelings that are described. Grief is usually deeply individual, and each person experiences it in his own way. In most cases, all experiences associated with loss, even if they are very difficult or seem strange and unacceptable, are natural forms manifestations of grief and need understanding from others.

At the same time, it sometimes happens that a person who has lost his loved one begins to abuse the sympathy and patience of those around him and, taking advantage of the “privileged” position of the grieving person, tries to extract some benefit from him or allows himself incorrect, rude forms of behavior, regardless of the interests and feelings of others. In this case, those around are not obliged to endlessly endure the arrogance of the bereaved, to allow him to manipulate himself.

1. Stage of shock and denial. The news of the death of a loved one is often akin to a strong blow that “stuns” the bereaved and puts him in a state of shock. The strength of the psychological impact of the loss and, accordingly, the depth of the shock depends on many factors, in particular, on the degree of surprise of what happened. However, even given all the circumstances of an event, it can be difficult to predict the reaction to it. It can be a scream, motor excitement, or, conversely, numbness. Sometimes people have enough objective reasons to expect the death of a relative, and enough time to realize the situation and prepare for a possible misfortune, and yet the death of a family member comes as a surprise to them.

The state of psychological shock is characterized by a lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself, a person acts like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, feelings in an incomprehensible way disappear, as if falling somewhere deeper. Such "indifference" may seem strange to the person who has suffered the loss, and the people around him often jar and are regarded by them as selfishness. In fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides a deep shock of loss and performs an adaptive function, protecting a person from unbearable mental pain.

At this stage, various physiological and behavioral disorders are not uncommon: impaired appetite and sleep, muscle weakness, inactivity or fussy activity. Characteristic is also a frozen facial expression, inexpressive and slightly delayed speech.

The state of shock as the first reaction to loss also has its own dynamics. The stupor of loss-stricken people “may be broken from time to time by waves of suffering. During these periods of suffering, which are often triggered by reminders of the deceased, they may feel agitated or powerless, sob, engage in aimless activity, or become preoccupied with thoughts or images related to the deceased. The rituals of mourning—the reception of friends, the preparations for the funeral, and the funeral itself—often structure this time for people. They are rarely alone. Sometimes the feeling of numbness stubbornly persists, leaving the person feeling as if he were mechanically going through the rituals. Therefore, for the bereaved, the days after the funeral often turn out to be the most difficult, when all the fuss associated with them is left behind, and the sudden emptiness that comes on makes you feel the loss more acutely.

Simultaneously with the shock or after it, there may be a denial of what happened, many-sided in its manifestations. In its purest form, the denial of the death of a loved one, when a person cannot believe that such a misfortune could happen, and it seems to him that “all this is not true”, is mainly characteristic of cases of unexpected loss. If relatives died in a disaster, natural disaster or a terrorist attack, “in the early stages of grief, the living may cling to the belief that their loved ones will be saved, even if the rescue operations have already been completed. Or they may believe that the lost loved one is somewhere unconscious and unable to make contact.”

If the loss is too overwhelming, the resulting shock and denial of what happened sometimes take on paradoxical forms that make others doubt the person’s mental health. However, this is not necessarily an insanity. Most likely, the human psyche is simply unable to withstand the blow and seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality for some time, creating an illusory world.

Case of life. A young woman died in childbirth, and her baby also died. The mother of the deceased woman in childbirth suffered a double loss: she lost both her daughter and her grandson, whose birth she was looking forward to. Soon, her neighbors began to observe a strange picture every day: an elderly woman walking down the street with an empty stroller. Thinking that she had "lost her mind", they approached her and asked to see the baby, but she did not want to show it. Despite the fact that outwardly the woman's behavior looked inadequate, in this case we cannot unambiguously speak of mental illness. It is important that the grieving mother and at the same time the failed grandmother at first, probably, was not able to meet in in full with the reality that destroyed all her hopes, and tried to soften the blow by illusoryly living the desired, but unfulfilled scenario. After some time, the woman stopped appearing on the street with a stroller.

As a manifestation of denial, one can consider the mismatch between the conscious and unconscious attitude to loss, when a person, on conscious level recognizing the fact of the death of a loved one, in the depths of his soul cannot come to terms with it, and on unconscious level continues to cling to the deceased, as if denying the fact of his death. Meet various options such disagreement:

Meeting setup: a person catches himself waiting for the arrival of the deceased in regular time that looks for him with his eyes in a crowd of people or takes some other person for him. Illusion of presence: it seems to a person that he hears the voice of the deceased. Continuation of communication: talking with the deceased, as if he were nearby; "slipping" into the past and re-experiencing events related to the deceased. “Forgetting” the loss: when planning the future, a person involuntarily counts on the deceased, and in everyday everyday situations, out of habit, proceeds from the fact that he is present nearby (for example, an extra cutlery is now placed on the table). The cult of the deceased: keeping intact the room and things of the deceased relative, as if ready for the return of the owner. R. Moody expresses the idea: “The way we treat the things of our loved ones expresses the attitude towards our life values who suffered grief and ties with the deceased.

Case of life. Elderly woman lost her husband, with whom they lived a long life together. Her grief was so great that at first it turned out to be an unbearable burden for her. Unable to bear the separation, she hung his photographs on all the walls of their bedroom, and also lined the room with her husband's things and especially his memorable gifts. As a result, the room turned into a kind of "museum of the deceased", in which his widow lived. With such actions, the woman shocked her children and grandchildren, catching them in melancholy and horror. They tried to persuade her to remove at least some things, but at first they were unsuccessful. However, it soon became painful for her to be in such an environment, and in several steps she reduced the number of “exhibits”, so that in the end only one photograph and a couple of things especially dear to her heart remained in sight.

Denial and disbelief as a reaction to the death of a loved one is overcome over time, as the survivor of the loss realizes its reality and gains in himself the spiritual strength to face the feelings caused by it. Then comes the next stage, the stage of grief.

2. Stage of anger and resentment. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. The thoughts of the mourner revolve more and more around the misfortune that has befallen him. Again and again, the circumstances of the death of a loved one and the events that preceded it are scrolled in the mind. The more a person thinks about what happened, the more questions arise. Yes, the loss has occurred, but the person is not yet ready to come to terms with it. He tries to comprehend with his mind what happened, to find the reasons for it, he has a lot of different “whys”:

• “Why (for what) did such a misfortune fall on us?”
• “Why did God let him (her) die?”
• "Why couldn't the doctors save him?"
• "Why didn't mom keep him at home?"
• "Why did his friends leave him alone to bathe?"
• "Why didn't he put on his seat belt?"
• "Why didn't I insist that he go to the hospital?"
• “Why exactly him? Why him and not me?

There can be many questions, and they pop up in the mind many times. C. Saindon suggests that when asking the question "Why did he/she have to die?" the mourner does not expect an answer, but feels the need to ask again. "The question itself is a cry of pain."

At the same time, as can be seen from the above list, there are questions that establish the "guilty" or, according to at least involved in the misfortune. Along with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise against those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. At the same time, accusation and anger can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one). It is noteworthy that the “judgment” carried out by the mourner is more emotional than rational (and sometimes clearly irrational), and therefore sometimes leads to unreasonable and even unfair verdicts. Anger, accusations and reproaches can be addressed to people not only not guilty of what happened, but even trying to help the now deceased.

Case of life. AT surgical department two weeks after the operation, the old man died at the age of 82. In the postoperative period, his wife actively looked after him. She came every morning and evening, made him eat, take medicine, sit down, get up (on the advice of doctors). The patient's condition almost did not improve, and one night a perforated stomach ulcer opened in him. The neighbors in the ward called the doctor on duty, but the old man could not be saved. A few days later, after the funeral, the wife of the deceased came to the ward for his things, and her first words were: “Why didn’t you save my grandfather?” To this, everyone tactfully kept silent and even asked her sympathetically about something. The woman did not answer very willingly, and before leaving she asked again: “Why didn’t you save my grandfather?” Here one of the patients could not resist and tried to politely object to her: “What could we do? We called the doctor." But she just shook her head and left.

The complex of negative experiences encountered at this stage, including indignation, anger, irritation, resentment, envy, and, possibly, a desire for revenge, can complicate the communication of the grieving person with other people: with relatives and friends, with officials and authorities.

C. Mildner makes some significant points about the anger experienced by a bereaved person:

This reaction usually takes place when the individual feels helpless and powerless. After the individual admits his anger, guilt may appear due to the expression negative feelings. These feelings are natural and must be respected if grief is to be endured.

For a comprehensive understanding of the experience of anger that occurs in those who have suffered a loss, it is important to keep in mind that one of its causes may be a protest against mortality as such, including one's own. A deceased loved one, unwillingly, makes other people remember that they, too, will have to die sometime. The feeling of one's own mortality, which is actualized at the same time, can cause irrational indignation with the existing order of things, and psychological roots of this perturbation often remain hidden from the person.

Surprising as it may seem at first glance, the reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased: for leaving and causing suffering, for not writing a will, for leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones, for that he made a mistake and could not avoid death. Thus, according to American experts, some people blamed their loved ones who were victims of the terrorist attack on September 11, 2001, because they did not leave the office quickly. For the most part, the thoughts and feelings of an accusatory nature in relation to the deceased are irrational, obvious to a third-party look, and sometimes realized by the grieving person himself. With his mind, he understands that one cannot (and “badly”) blame for death, that a person does not always have the ability to control circumstances and prevent trouble, and, nevertheless, in his soul he is annoyed at the deceased.

Finally, the anger of a bereaved person can be directed at himself. He can scold himself again for all sorts of his mistakes (real and imaginary), for not being able to save, not saving, etc. Such experiences are quite common, and what we say about them at the end of the description of the stage of anger is explained by their transitional meaning: they have under them a feeling of guilt that already belongs to the next stage.

3. Stage of guilt and obsessions. A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death, can convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, it can be repeatedly played in the imagination, as if everything were then. Tormented by reproaches of conscience, some bereaved ones cry out to God: “Lord, if You would only bring him back, I would never quarrel with him again,” which again sounds like a desire and a promise to fix everything.

Losers often torture themselves with numerous "ifs" or "what ifs" that sometimes become obsessive:

• "If I only knew..."
• "If only I had stayed..."
• “If I called an ambulance…”
• “What if I didn’t let her go to work that day…?”
• “What if he flew on the next plane…?”

These kinds of phenomena are quite a natural reaction to loss. The work of grief also finds its expression in them, albeit in a compromise form that softens the severity of the loss. We can say that here acceptance is struggling with denial.

Unlike the endless “whys” of the previous stage, these questions and fantasies are directed primarily at oneself and relate to what a person could do to save his loved one. They, as a rule, are the product of two internal causes.

a) The first internal source is desire to control events occurring in life. And since a person is not able to fully foresee the future, and he cannot control everything that happens around him, his thoughts about a possible change in what happened are often uncritical and unrealistic. They are inherently not so much a rational analysis of the situation as an experience of loss and helplessness.

b) Another, even more powerful source of thoughts and fantasies about alternative development events is guilt. And here, again, the mourners in many cases inadequately assess the situation: they overestimate their capabilities in terms of preventing loss and exaggerate the degree of their involvement in the death of someone who is dear to them.

It is probably not a big exaggeration to say that almost everyone who has lost a person significant to him in one form or another, to a greater or lesser extent, clearly or in the depths of his soul feels guilty towards the deceased. What do people who have suffered a loss blame themselves for?

“For not preventing the departure of a loved one from life” “For the fact that, voluntarily or involuntarily, directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one” “For cases when they were wrong in relation to the deceased” “For having treated badly him (offended, annoyed, cheated on, etc.) ”“ For not doing something for the deceased: they didn’t care enough, appreciated, helped, didn’t talk about their love for him, didn’t ask for forgiveness, etc. ” .

In addition to the already listed varieties of guilt about the death of a loved one, we can add three more forms of this feeling, which are named by A. D. Wolfelt. He not only designates them, but also, addressing the grieving, helps to accept his experiences.

Survivor's Guilt- the feeling that you should have died instead of your loved one. This also includes cases where the bereaved feels guilty only for the fact that he continues to live, while his loved one has died.

The guilt of relief is the guilt associated with feeling relieved that your loved one has died. Relief is natural and expected, especially if your loved one suffered before death.

Wine of Joy is guilt about the feeling of happiness that reappears after a loved one has died. Joy is a natural and healthy experience in life. It's a sign that we live full life and we should try to get it back.

Among the three types of guilt listed, the first two usually arise soon after the death of a loved one, while the last one occurs at later stages of the experience of loss. D. Myers notes another kind of guilt that appears some time after the loss. It is connected with the fact that in the mind of the grieving, the memories and the image of the deceased gradually become less clear. “Some people may worry that this is evidence that the deceased was not particularly loved by them, and they may feel guilty about not being able to always remember what their loved one looked like.”

So far, we've discussed guilt, which is a normal, predictable, and transient response to loss. At the same time, it often turns out that this reaction is delayed, turning into a long-term or even chronic form. In some cases, this version of experiencing the loss is definitely unhealthy, but you should not rush to write down any persistent feeling of guilt towards the deceased in the category of pathology. The fact is that long-term guilt is different: existential and neurotic.

existential guilt- is caused by real mistakes, when a person really (relatively speaking, objectively) did something “wrong” in relation to the deceased or, on the contrary, did not do something important for him. Such guilt, even if it persists for a long time, is absolutely normal, healthy and testifies more to the moral maturity of a person than to the fact that everything is not all right with him.

neurotic guilt- “hung” from the outside (by the deceased himself, when he was still alive (“You will drive me into a coffin with your swine behavior”), or by others (“Well, are you satisfied? Did you save him from the world?”)) and then translated by the bereaved man to the inner plane. Suitable soil for formation neurotic guilt create a dependent or manipulative relationship with the deceased, as well as a chronic sense of guilt that was formed even before the death of a loved one, and only increased after it.

The idealization of the deceased can contribute to the increase and preservation of feelings of guilt. Any close human relationship is not complete without disagreements, turmoil and conflicts, since we are all different people, and each with his own weaknesses, which inevitably manifest themselves in long-term communication. However, if the deceased loved one is idealized, then in the mind of the grieving person, his own shortcomings are hypertrophied, and the shortcomings of the deceased are ignored. The feeling of one's filthiness and "nothing worthless" against the background of the idealized image of the deceased serves as a source of guilt and aggravates the suffering of the mourner.

4. Stage of suffering and depression. The fact that in the sequence of stages of grief suffering was in fourth place does not mean that at first it is not there, and then it suddenly appears. The point is that at a certain stage, suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences.

This is the period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable and is felt even on physical level. The suffering experienced by the bereaved is not permanent, but tends to come in waves. Periodically, it subsides a little and, as it were, gives a person a respite, only to soon flood again.

The suffering in the process of experiencing loss is often accompanied by crying. Tears can come at every remembrance of the dead, of the past. living together and circumstances of his death. Some mourners become especially sensitive and ready to cry at any moment. The feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity can also become a reason for tears. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying, suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression.

It should be noted that the process of experiencing deep grief almost always carries elements of depression, which at times develop into a clearly recognizable depression. clinical picture. The person may feel helpless, lost, worthless, devastated. The general condition is often characterized by depression, apathy, and hopelessness. Grieving for all that lives mainly in memories, nevertheless understands that the past cannot be returned. The present seems to him terrible and unbearable, and the future unthinkable without the deceased and as if non-existent. The goals and meaning of life are lost, sometimes to the point that it seems to a person shocked by the loss that life is now over.

• Separation from friends, family, avoidance of social activity;
• Lack of energy, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, inability to concentrate;
• Unexpected bouts of crying;
• Alcohol or drug abuse;
• Sleep and appetite disturbances, weight loss or gain;
• Chronic pain, health problems.

Although the pain of loss can sometimes become unbearable, mourners may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to connect with the deceased and testify their love for them. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray. And as a result, a person continues to suffer, in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him. Love for the departed loved one, understood in this way, can become a serious obstacle to accepting the loss.

In addition to the indicated non-constructive logic, the completion of the work of grief can be difficult and some cultural barriers, about which F. E. Vasilyuk writes. An example of this phenomenon is "the idea that the duration of grief is a measure of our love for the deceased." Such barriers can probably arise both from within (having been assimilated in due time) and from without. For example, if a person feels that his family expects him to grieve for a long time, then he can continue to grieve in order to confirm his love for the deceased.

5. Stage of acceptance and reorganization. No matter how hard and long the grief, in the end, as a rule, a person comes to an emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the soul connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection of times is restored: if before that the grieving lived for the most part in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he is gradually regaining the ability to fully live in the present reality surrounding him and look to the future with hope.

Man restores lost for a while social connections and make new ones. Returning interest in important species activities, new points of application of their forces and abilities open up. In other words, life returns in his eyes the value that was lost, and often new meanings are also revealed. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person acquires the ability to plan a future life without him. Existing plans for the future are being rebuilt, new goals are emerging. This is how life is reorganized.

These changes, of course, do not mean the oblivion of the deceased. It simply occupies a certain place in a person's heart and ceases to be the focus of his life. At the same time, the survivor of the loss, of course, continues to remember the deceased and even draws strength, finds support in his memory. Instead of intense grief, a quiet sadness remains in the human soul, which can be replaced by a light, bright sadness. As J. Garlock writes, "loss is still a part of people's lives, but does not dictate their actions."

It is worth emphasizing once again that the listed stages of experiencing loss represent a generalized model, and in real life grief flows very individually, albeit in line with a certain general trend. And just as individually, each in its own way, we come to accept the loss.

Case from practice. As an illustration of the process of experiencing loss and the resulting acceptance, let us cite the story of L., who turned for psychological help regarding the experiences associated with the death of her father. For L., the loss of his father was a doubly heavy blow, because it was not just death, but suicide. The girl's first reaction to this tragic event was, she said, terrifying. Probably, the first shock stage was expressed in this way, which is evidenced by the absence of any other feelings at the beginning. But later other feelings appeared. First came anger and resentment at the father: “How could he do this to us?”, Which corresponds to the second stage of experiencing the loss. Then the anger was replaced by "relief that he is no more," which naturally led to the emergence of feelings of guilt and shame, and thus the transition to the third stage of grief. In the experience of L., this phase turned out to be perhaps the most difficult and dramatic - it dragged on for years. The matter was aggravated not only by the morally unacceptable feelings of anger and vestment for L. associated with the loss of his father, but also by the tragic circumstances of his death and past life together. She blamed herself for quarreling with her father, shunned him, did not love and respect him enough, did not support him in difficult times. All these omissions and mistakes of the past gave the wine an existential and, accordingly, sustainable character. (This case clearly demonstrates the uniqueness of the process of mourning in each specific case. As we can see, in the case of L., there was a fixation at the stage of experiencing guilt before the deceased, which was overcome by psychological help. In other cases, fixation can occur at the stage of denial, anger or depression.) Later on, to the already painful feeling of guilt, suffering was added about the irretrievably lost opportunity to communicate with the father, to better know and understand him as a person. L. took enough long time to accept the loss, but it turned out to be even more difficult to accept the feelings associated with it. Nevertheless, in the course of the conversation, L., independently and unexpectedly for herself, came to understand the “normality” of her feelings of guilt and shame and the fact that she has no moral right to wish that they were not. It is remarkable that the acceptance of his feelings helped L. not only come to terms with the past, but also come to terms with himself, change his attitude towards the present and future life. She was able to feel the value of herself and the living moment of the current life. It is in this that a full-fledged experience of grief and a genuine acceptance of loss are manifested: a person does not just “come back to life”, but at the same time he changes internally, enters a different stage and, possibly, a higher level of his earthly existence, begins to live in something new life.

Another point that makes sense to re-emphasize is that all of the described reactions to loss, like many other possible experiences in the process of mourning, are normal and in most cases do not require seeking help from specialists. However, in some cases, the experience of loss goes beyond the conventional framework of the norm and becomes complicated. Grief can be considered complicated when it is inadequate in strength (experienced too hard), in duration (experienced too long or interrupted), or in the form of experience (it turns out to be destructive for the person himself or for others). Of course, it is often difficult to unambiguously determine the degree of adequacy of a reaction to a loss, just as it is very difficult to clearly establish the boundary where normal grief and the complications begin. Nevertheless, the question of the “normality” of grief in life has to be decided, therefore, as a preliminary guideline, we will propose the following approach: if grief seriously interferes with the life of the grieving person or those around him, if it causes severe harm to someone, if it leads to serious problems with health or threatens the life of the grieving person or other people, then the grief should be considered complicated. In this case, you need to think about seeking professional help (psychological, psychotherapeutic, medical).

How does complicated grief manifest itself at each of the stages of bereavement described above? As a general point, one should recall the criterion of duration: the normal process of experiencing loss is disrupted if a person “gets stuck” for a long time, is fixed at a certain stage. In terms of content, painful reactions to loss differ depending on the stage of mourning.

At the stage of shock and denial, complicated forms of shock reaction to the death of a loved one occur in the form of two opposite options, for which a common feature is the disorganization of life:

Extreme decrease in activity up to the state of stupor, inability to perform even the usual activities; - Hasty decisions and impulsive, non-purposeful actions, fraught with significant negative consequences (for economic and social status, for health and life).

Complicated forms of loss denial are characterized mainly by the fact that a person, not only on an unconscious, but also on a conscious level, stubbornly refuses to believe that his loved one has died, actively denies obvious fact his death. Moreover, even the personal presence at the funeral does not help to recognize the reality of the loss. In order to eliminate the contradiction between the tragic reality and the desire to undo what happened, a paranoid reaction to the loss often arises, which is characterized by the formation of delusional ideas.

Case from practice. A single woman for 40 years refused to acknowledge the fact of her father's death. Recalling his funeral, she claimed that she "saw how he breathed, moved, opened his eyes", that is, he just pretended to be dead. And the fact of his disappearance from life was explained by the fact that the FSB officers staged the death of his father in order to take him to underground laboratories to conduct experiments on him.

At the stage of anger and resentment, a complicated form of reaction to loss is, first of all, strong anger (reaching hatred) towards other people, accompanied by aggressive impulses and expressed outwardly in the form of various violent actions up to and including murder. The victims of such aggression can be not only those who are somehow involved in the accident, but also random people who have nothing to do with it.

Case from practice. Veteran of the war in Chechnya, returning to peaceful life, even after many years, he could not come to terms with the death of his guys. At the same time, he was angry at the whole world and at all people "for the fact that they can live and be happy as if nothing had happened." He shouts to the psychologist-consultant: “You are all scum, bastards, cattle!”. AT Everyday life often enters into a confrontation with one of the people, provokes a conflict with the use of physical force, looks for a reason to express his aggression and, apparently, is happy with reciprocal aggression. In this way, probably, anger at the militants and at himself finds an indirect expression. He cannot forgive himself for not saving the guys, from time to time thoughts of suicide arise (and this is already a manifestation of the next stage).

At the stage of guilt and obsessions, the main form of complicated experience of loss is a severe feeling of guilt that pushes a person to suicide or leads to various forms behavior that has a goal (often unconscious) either to punish oneself or somehow atone for one's guilt. Moreover, the whole life of a person, which ceases to be full-fledged, is subject to the idea of ​​redemption. A person feels he has no right to live as before and, as it were, sacrifices himself. However, this sacrifice turns out to be meaningless or even harmful.

Case from practice. An example is the case of a girl who lost her father, who was the closest person to her. She blamed herself for not saying goodbye to him, taking little care of him during his lifetime, while he did everything he could for her, even when he was already seriously ill. She believed that she should have been in his place, that she had no right to live on, cut her veins. After the death of her father, the girl completely abandoned her studies, although before that she studied well, and had not studied or worked for more than six years. All her time, all her strength and money (which her mother gave and which she began to steal from her) she gave first to one guy (outwardly similar to her father), whom she found shortly after the misfortune happened, then to the second. Taking care of her boyfriend, she was ready for anything, while she practically did not notice other people, including her mother and immediate family. It is noteworthy that the girl rejected the courtship of all interesting, prominent guys, and chose for herself "unlucky", weak, inactive, prone to alcoholism, in need of care. Probably, in this way she tried to repay her chosen one that she had not given to her father before. At the same time, the girl could not explain why she liked the guy, and did not see prospects in life: “I have no right to live, what prospects can there be?”. At the stage of suffering and depression, the complicated forms of these experiences reach such an extent that they completely unsettle the grieving person. His own life, as it were, stops, completely concentrating on the misfortune that happened. From a clinical point of view mental condition and the behavior of a person basically fits into the picture of a depressive syndrome. Some of the symptoms of major depression that are not explained by the normal process of grief are:

• Continuous thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness;
• Continuous thoughts about death or suicide;
• Persistent inability to successfully perform daily activities;
• excessive or uncontrollable crying;
• Slow responses and physical reactions;
• Extreme weight loss.

Complicated grief, similar in form to clinical depression, sometimes leads to a downright deplorable outcome. An illustrative example of this is “death by grief”.

Case of life. Two elderly childless spouses lived with each other quite long life. The husband was poorly adapted to life: he could not cook his own food, he was afraid to stay at home alone, his wife went to work for him to draw up various documents, handled various cases. Therefore, it is not surprising that the death of his wife became a real psychological and physical disaster for him. Already in the last period of her life, her husband began to cry and say that he could not imagine how he would live without her. When his wife did die, this event finally "broke" him. He fell into deep despair, cried, almost never went out, looked at the wall or out the window all day long, did not wash, slept without undressing or taking off his shoes, drank and smoked a lot and at the same time did not eat anything, said: “I am without Nadia I don't want to eat." Behind short term both the apartment and its widowed owner were reduced to a terrible state. A month and a half after the death of his wife, he died.

The process of experiencing loss, which has entered the completion stage, can lead to different outcomes. One option is the consolation that comes to people whose relatives have died long and hard. Others, more universal options- this is humility and acceptance, which, according to R. Moody and D. Arcangel, must be distinguished from each other. " Most of Lost survivors, they write, tend to be resigned rather than accepting. Passive humility sends a signal: This is the end, nothing can be done. … On the other hand, the acceptance of what happened facilitates, pacifies and ennobles our existence. Here, concepts such as: This is not the end; it's just the end of the current order of things."

According to Moody and Arcangel, acceptance tends to come rather people who believe in reunion with their loved ones after death. In this case, we touch upon the question of the influence of religiosity on the experience of loss. According to many foreign research, religious people they are less afraid of death, which means they treat it more acceptingly. Accordingly, in this case, it can be assumed that religious people experience grief a little differently than atheists, go through these stages more easily (perhaps not all of them and to a less pronounced degree), console themselves faster, accept the loss and look to the future with faith and hope.

Of course, the death of a loved one is a difficult event, associated with many sufferings. But at the same time, it also contains positive possibilities. R. Moody and D. Arcangel describe the many valuable changes that can happen in the life of a bereaved person:

Losses make us appreciate the departed loved ones more, and also teach us to appreciate the remaining loved ones and life in general.

Loss teaches compassion. Losers tend to be more sensitive to the feelings of others and often feel the desire to help others.

Many grief survivors discover true values, become less materialistic, and focus more on life and spirituality.

Death reminds us of the impermanence of life. Realizing the fluidity of time, we appreciate every moment of being even more.

For a person experiencing the death of a loved one, this may sound absurd and even blasphemous, but nevertheless, having met with a loss, one can not only lose, but also gain. As Benjamin Franklin observed, after loss people become humbler and wiser. And according to our outstanding Russian philosopher Merab Mamardashvili, a person begins with weeping for the deceased. In other words, mourning a loved one, a person gets the opportunity to grow in his human quality. Just as gold is tempered and refined in fire, so a person, having gone through grief, can become better, more humane. The path to this, as a rule, lies through the acceptance of loss.

Question:

Hello.

1.5 months ago I lost a loved one. He was 38. I couldn't say goodbye to him. He died in the hospital after surgery. I can't go to the grave, I just can't stand it. After his death, I saw him in a dream 3 times. Maybe because I think about him all the time. And maybe he knows about it. I don't know how to deal with it. I am reading this site. To some extent, it helped me.

But I think that I didn’t cope with this, but I just force myself to drown out this pain in myself. I know that a person needs to be let go, that the more I worry and cry, he will be ten times worse there. I'm trying to live but I don't know what to do.

I mentally talk to him, share the news. Mom says I should let him go. I read a lot about whether the dead can hear us and what happens after death with the souls of the dead. It seems to me that this horrible dream. Morning will come, I will wake up and hear it. He was a very religious person. We often talked with him about Islam. I don't understand, I can't accept. Help me please.

May Allah Almighty protect you!

Answer:

Praise be to Allah, the Gracious and Merciful! May Allah bless and greet

Prophet Muhammad, his clan, his family, his companions and his followers up to doomsday! Amen.

We are all from Allah and we will return to Him.! I sympathize with your grief. Losing a loved one is always hard. And according to the words of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), a husband for a wife is a special person. With marriage, a woman passes to her husband and, as it were, is a continuation of his words, deeds, gives birth to offspring for him. Lot significant events in her life is connected with her husband, who for herself is a support and protection already in this world.

And a woman who has lost her husband loses that balance in her life. It becomes like a trembling autumn leaf, which loses its place and soars in the cold air. In addition, we ourselves choose our partner in life - according to our character and worldview, therefore this person is especially dear to us.

But as a believing woman, you must remember that we are guests in this world and what we have is given to us for temporary use. And our loved ones: parents, children and family partner will be with us in this world for some time allotted to them by Allah, and then they will go to the Lord of the worlds. In all this there is the wisdom of Allah Almighty. We should not attach our heart to worldly things and love someone so much that we forget or weaken our faith. I understand that your condition is also explained by the fact that you need to re-strengthen yourself socially and get used to your new way of life without your usual family partner.

And this is difficult and painful for a woman, since she is emotional and less active in public life than a man. The condition of a woman depends on many factors, to which she can only adapt, and not adapt them for herself, as men do. And for this, she needs time and conditions for a calm living of her emotions.

At this time, you need to let go of thoughts about the past and possible future. Come to terms with the predestination of Allah. He tests you with the loss of a loved one, which is also mentioned in the Qur'an in Sura al-Baqarah, verses 155-157. It is dangerous for your faith to lament and be dissatisfied with the predestined Almighty Allah. The hadeeth of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) speaks of “beautiful patience”, that is, “patience without complaint.” For this, a reward is promised and you yourself will begin to relate to what happened more calmly. Allah wants us to enter the Gardens of His Pleasure cleansed.

It is not forbidden to go to the grave of the deceased and quietly mourn him. On the contrary, it will be a reminder to all of us that everything in this world is transient and the Day of Judgment awaits us. When you think about this, then worldly experiences will become easier for you to bear. Because then you will think not about this life and its pleasures, but about meeting your Creator in His contentment and earning His forgiveness and mercy. And this requires a certain kind of thinking and kind of action. A person, in fact, has little time to correct his deeds and do good deeds. And a lot of diligence goes into managing your nafs (ego, selfishness). If you do all this, then there will be no time to feel sorry for yourself.

Remember Allah with His Beautiful Names. Ask Allah. Update taharat more often. This will make your heart calm and receptive to those activities that Allah loves. Associate with righteous sisters in faith. Visit your relatives, organize a Majlis with them to read the Koran. This will give you support. Take walks. Fresh air and sun will give you a sense of the present (“here and now”) and cheer you up. Eat well.

Find some useful hobby for yourself: sports, embroidery, cooking, etc. Improve your knowledge of Islam. And for all this, give thanks to Allah Almighty. In general, lead a healthy, active and righteous lifestyle. This will distract you from unnecessary and heavy thoughts, inspire you to a new life without the departed and familiar to you. What you shouldn't do is shut up. For it characterizes stagnation, and any standing even in nature turns into a swamp.

Make good dua for yourself and your deceased spouse. Find out from the imam how else you could help him. After all, Judgment Day for your late husband has already "come." This will show your love for your husband, because you take care of him even after his death. Mourn, but do not lament, for this is dangerous for your iman (faith). Learn to think positively and learn from what happened to you. After all, in the death of a spouse, you can take edification for yourself and try for the good of your soul in both worlds.

I wish sakina (peace) to your soul. And may Allah help you and ease your suffering!

Elvira Sadrutdinova

I have good news for you.

Death is not inevitable. Potentially, each of us is immortal, and not at all in a religious or "spiritual" sense.

In fact, death is not natural phenomenon no matter how paradoxical it may sound. The simplest multicellular creatures, such as hydras, corals, etc., do not die "of old age." Many fish, a good half of plants do not die "of old age" (they simply do not have a mechanism for dying). Let's look at what "death" is, what are its physiological causes.

"Natural death" from old age is nothing more than the failure of certain organs, not at all inevitable. Often we do not see the reasons for the deterioration and failure of a particular organ - but with proper care, timely diagnosis and treatment, a person is quite capable of living up to 150 years.

Next, aging. Cause of many health problems. Aging is a genetically planned hormonal process, combined with DNA destruction (accumulation of replication errors). Processes that can be reversed. Yes, we will most likely never be forever young 20-year-olds, but it is quite possible to hang at the level of eternal 40 years. By the way, some jellyfish can "grow back", like the same Benjamin Button. But something is stopping us.

The last one is cancer. You will be surprised, but death from cancer is death from immortality, such a paradox. Cancer cells don't die. Basically. They do not have such a mechanism, they can only be killed. Their unbridled growth and exceptional gluttony kill the body. But if the tumor is removed and placed in a nutrient solution, it will live indefinitely. The cells of Henrietta Lars, who died in 1951, are still breeding and multiplying (https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/HeLa). Thus, in our body there are already cells that do not die on their own. By the way, if I'm not mistaken, there are neurons in the human nervous system that can persist throughout life, if not most of it.

In general, ensuring immortality or a life so long that death can become a conscious and quite satisfactory choice for every person is a matter of time. The main thing is that the "immortals" do not destroy humanity, as they do cancer cells =)

Of course, few Question readers will live forever. Perhaps no one at all. But there is a probability of immortality, it is not equal to 0. And this is hope.

If you die anyway, then all is not lost.

There are much less scientific (if the above can be called such), but still non-religious and, theoretically, realizable theories about life after death.

The Russian cosmist philosopher Nikolai Fedorov believed that real goal humanity is to resurrect every one of its descendants and populate the cosmos with them. Moreover, he put all this into a slightly modified Orthodox system of values. Like, heaven is possible only from the Earth, but there is no hell and sinners in principle, because. when all are resurrected, there will be no sin.

Do you think it's crazy? Not really. First, an important condition for the possibility of the resurrection of the long dead is the achievement of immortality by a person. And as already mentioned above, it is most likely a matter of time. Of course, even after this, the probability of resurrection after death obviously tends to 0, but the time allotted for humanity to solve this problem will tend to infinity. So the fact that one day you will again begin to realize yourself and shake hands with your great-great-grandfather...n*[great]...great-grandfather is still more likely than paradise and being reborn into a frog)

First of all, you need to understand that you can deal with grief anyway. For some it takes a few weeks, for others it takes a few years. Do not compare yourself to anyone and do not rush to pretend that everything is fine. In due time you will understand that sorrow recedes. Remember: Mom always wanted you to be happy and calm. Try to understand that she would not want your grief. Start slowly returning to habitual life and don't blame yourself for it. The closest person would never be upset because you crave happiness.

First of all, you need to understand that you can deal with grief anyway.

How to deal with the death of a mother? Memories help you to accept the loss. Keep the image of a loved one as much as possible not only in memory, but also on paper - write down everything that you remember about it. Also, from time to time, talk about the deceased to other people. So her image will not dissipate for a long time. Ask relatives and family friends about your mother. Their stories will make your memories more alive and colorful. Remember that it is impossible to remember everything down to the smallest detail, so don't beat yourself up if you forgot something.

Regular and good sleep It will help you cope with stress and understand how to survive the death of your mother. Set aside 7-8 hours a day for it. So you will not overwork and will be able to adequately assess your condition. Don't forget to take care of yourself - try to look normal, but don't be too hard on yourself. If grief has consumed you so much that complete apathy has set in, allow yourself to a short time forget about everything. As soon as you feel the strength in yourself, try to restore the usual daily routine. Some things in it may remind you of your mother. Make a to-do list in such a way that in moments of acute anguish you will be in the company of people who can provide support.

avoid loneliness

Be sure to tell your friend about your feelings. At some point, you will want to hide from the whole world and just be silent, but it is in such a situation that communication with a loved one is necessary. Do not demand too much from him, because he may not know what to answer or how to console you. If a person does not understand you, do not move away from him, but simply speak out. Over time, you will become comfortable communicating, and this will greatly ease the state of grief. Don't go to parties or birthdays if you feel uncomfortable doing so. The atmosphere of the holiday may seem inappropriate and even offensive to you. Communicate with close relatives, the loss shocked them too. If the other parent is near you, give Special attention him. Together, it will be easier for you to survive grief.

Find spiritual and psychological support

Don't be discouraged if you're having a hard time and can't handle your grief on your own. In this case, contact an outsider who will provide psychological or spiritual support. At psychoanalysis sessions, a specialist will help you understand yourself and return to normal life. The advice of a psychologist will give impetus to combat the oppressed state. It may happen that the sessions will be held regularly for several months or years. Remember - the main thing is that you feel comfortable.

If you are a believer, then turn to the church, talk to the priest. Many who have lost a loved one order a magpie for the deceased. The atmosphere of the temple will help you gather your thoughts and strengthen your spirit. In addition, you will be able to communicate with parishioners who will be able to support in this difficult life situation. You can visit a psychologist and church at the same time.

Change your usual life

As soon as you feel the strength to move on, change the usual daily routine. If you haven't left your house before, go to a cafe. Change the place where you constantly walk, shop in another supermarket. Any little thing can remind you that mom is no longer around, so try to keep yourself busy for the whole day with routine things - it's very distracting. Find a new hobby: positive emotions from unfamiliar hobbies is one way to deal with depression. Get a pet: a dog, a cat, or at least a parrot. In addition to the fact that you will be forced to radically change your schedule, you will also begin to take care of the animal. It also helps to integrate into a new rhythm of life.

It takes a lot of effort to get over the death of your mother. At first it will be very difficult to do something on your own, friends and relatives will help with this. Follow the advice of psychologists and loved ones, and then it will be easier for you to pull yourself together and continue a full life. Communication is an essential part of dealing with depression. Visit thematic forums where people share their stories and give support to each other. There you will not only speak out, but also find a new circle of friends.

I can't come to terms with my mom's death. and don't want

Psychologist, gentle therapy skype

Almaty (Kazakhstan)

Psychologist, Skype Online

Good afternoon everyone. My mother was a very sociable kind person, a doctor by training. But oncology was merciless. Mom fought for 15 years until cancer ate almost all her organs. I saw her pain and how she steadfastly endured everything and raised 3 children alone. On day X, she fell and was taken to the intensive care unit. I don’t even want to remember the inaction of doctors. Mom passed away overnight. I lost her forever at the age of 26. Words cannot express how the world was divided before and after. It was aggravated by the fact that no one morally supported. Husband lasted a month. Now I want to beautifully equip the grave and that's it. Then what is the meaning of life? Why do good people suffer and quickly die?

Condolences to your loss ((I myself lost my mother very early, the impression is that I still have not experienced it. It takes time to survive this grief. You will find your meaning. Maybe in passing her love for you further - to your children.

“You really become yourself the day you lose your parents.”

Henri de Monterland

How to deal with the death of a mother? Talking about the death of someone close is always difficult. Especially if we are talking about the dearest person. It is impossible to come to terms with such a loss. Mom is support, understanding, care, forgiveness, love. There are no such people in the world, and there never will be. But you must continue to live.

The first step is to realize that each of us in certain moment buries his parents. This is the natural course of things. And although no advice will reduce the pain of loss, it is important to read the opinion of psychologists on this matter. You must know how to build your life further, what to rely on, where to find an outlet, how to let go.

How to deal with loss?

Regardless of age, the death of a mother always makes you feel like a small child again, abandoned, abandoned forever. He is horrified by what happened, does not understand what to do next. Getting rid of this feeling is not easy.

Find out the secret of intimate relationships that will bring real passion to your relationship! The famous TV presenter and just a bright woman tells.

You need to make every effort to come to terms with reality - mom is no more. Now mom (or dad) is you. Future or present, it doesn't matter. You have already matured, and what happened was inevitable. Sooner or later your mother would have died. Of course, you wanted her to stay with you longer, be happier, not suffer, etc. Most likely, you did not have time to say goodbye properly, did not say or did not do the main thing. You feel guilty. Maybe that's what pisses you off the most?

In fact, when suffering from the loss of a mother, a person is overcome by self-pity. He thinks: “I feel so bad that I won’t see her anymore, won’t hug, won’t talk”, “no one else will love me like my mother”, “I was deprived of the most important support, support, understanding”. Yes this is true. But it is not right to dwell on these thoughts all the time.

It is necessary to direct all the pain in a creative direction. You can get really close with your kids. To give love to the remaining living relatives. Start writing beautiful poetry (or engage in other creative work). Of course, it won't bring Mom back. But it will help to establish peace in the soul.

The opinion of psychologists

Psychologists say that after the death of parents, a person suffers greatly for about a year. Then emotions subside, and interest in life gradually returns.

In order for the pain to really subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “mourning”:

1. Shock state (1-3 days). The announcement of the death of the mother at first introduces into a stupor. Man denies reality. It seems that this is a mistake, a bad dream, etc. He has to confirm the fact of death again and again. Some don't get out of this state long years and even for the rest of your life. For example, a daughter leaves all things to her mother, hoping that someday they will be useful to her again.
2. Sobs (1-9 days of death). During this period, a person is overcome by the most powerful emotions, he feels pain, despair, cries a lot and strongly. Periods of sobbing are replaced by complete physical and emotional exhaustion. Especially often this is observed immediately after the funeral.
3. Depression (on the 40th day). Relatives and friends return to former life. Support is getting smaller. There is an acute feeling of emptiness, strong melancholy, anger rolls.
4. Mourning (up to a year). Emotions subside. Acute pain appears only occasionally. A person realizes his loss, spends a lot of time on memories, carefully sorting through them, trying to talk to someone. When sadness rolls in, she cries.
5. Anniversary. An important moment when all relatives gather again. It is customary to celebrate this day with a commemoration, commemoration, prayer, a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help to finally say goodbye and let go of the mother. Not necessarily on the same day. Mourning can last up to 1.5 years. Further, unless there is a jam, the daughter or son returns to everyday life. At times they feel all the same emotions, but general state remains satisfactory.

Important. Nature has laid down a natural mechanism for living grief. Interfering with it or neglecting it is fraught with consequences. A person can get stuck at a certain stage, which means sinking into a long-term depression. No wonder our ancestors invited professional mourners to the funeral. They helped me get in the right mood. Therefore, at first, you need to move away from all important matters, take a vacation, send your children to visit in order to cry enough. At the same time, it is categorically not recommended to suppress experiences with alcohol, sleeping pills or sedatives.

Dealing with the death of a mother is very difficult. Doubly hard to do it alone. That is why we have collected advice from those who have coped with such grief. Perhaps they will be useful for you too:

1. Speak out your grief, do not withdraw into yourself. From the outside it may seem that people are avoiding you, but this is not so. They simply do not know what to answer you, how to support, so as not to aggravate the pain of loss. So just start the conversation with the phrase: "I need to talk now, please stay by my side and listen to me." Try to find a person who has already experienced the death of a loved one, or talk about this topic with a priest, a professional psychologist.
2. Get creative. The pain that has accumulated inside you must find a way out. It is impossible to express or cry out all of it. But you can express it in your work. Try painting or beadwork. You can also start writing a book or poetry. Choose any art that is close to you in spirit.
3. Start helping others. Caring for others makes you feel needed. It returns from heavy thoughts to reality, fills life with new meaning. You can take care of lonely old people, animals, children left without parents.
4. Occupational therapy. Physical work, especially in nature, helps to distract from dark thoughts. You can plant a beautiful garden, start building a house, etc.
5. Think of your mother only in a positive way. Try to remember only the good things, how mom was happy, was happy, what she was proud of, where she went and what she saw. You can even do it cherished desire. For example, visit an exotic country, attend a concert of your favorite star, visit friends of your youth.

Author's advice. Often strong pain loss is associated with innuendo. You did not have time to tell your mother how much you love her, ask for forgiveness, thank you. To get rid of these thoughts, start writing letters. After writing, immediately burn them. You will definitely feel better!

It takes time to get over the death of a mother and let go. Of course, you will never be able to completely forget about your loss. But the day will surely come when you think not “what a pity that mom left”, but “what a blessing that she was”!

Arina, Petrozavodsk

Psychologist's comment:

(A psychologist's commentary on this article is not yet available.)

Forum

How to deal with the death of a mother. how to deal with pain.

I don't even know where to start. The thing is, I'm really, really bad. Especially at night, I don't know what to do. My mother died 1.5 years ago. To say it was a shock is an understatement. I still can't believe it. They say the pain goes away after 6 months. But it's not. Yes, it has become less sharp, but what a dull, aching chest pain. I miss you terribly, I'm constantly looking at photos. I want to return the old time, but it does not work. My mother was not only a mother to me, but also a sister, friend, father. My mother raised me alone, my father left when I was 4 years old. Constantly with my mother, that's who you could talk to on various topics, that's who will give advice and support in difficult times. How it all happened, how it happened that my mother was gone, just does not fit in my head. Everything is so fast. For three months she was gone, literally "burned out" from the disease, I saw that my mother was getting worse and worse, as we did not run around so many doctors, as soon as we were not treated. But it didn't help. Every day I saw that she was getting further and further away from me. Then they had an operation, I dangled under the windows of the hospital all night. After 15 days, she was gone. Farewell, funeral, the first days without her - everything is in a fog, but I remember all the details, little things. It hurt, it hurt a lot. I just had to go to university, and here it is. I ended up failing my exams. Every day I went to the cemetery to my mother, talked to her, came home and immediately went to sleep so that I could see my mother in a dream. Then she began to move away a little, but she did it anyway. 5 months have passed. And I began to be disturbed by nightmares, something seemed to me, it seemed, voices were heard. Slept at night with the lights on. I thought I'd go crazy. I went to church, prayed for my mother's peace. But the nightmares haunted. I just close my eyes and see my mother there, underground, in an ugly form, or I saw a funeral in a dream, crosses, vampires. I thought I'd go crazy. But then it stopped, as suddenly as it started. How I lived a year without her, even I myself wonder where the forces came from, is also not clear. Because When I started studying, I had to communicate with classmates, teachers, but I couldn’t see people. As soon as I see that someone laughs, smiles, rejoices, I was immediately "thrown" into a rage. Although I myself understood that people have their own lives, their own misfortunes and joys. But this is how she reacted. Close girlfriend, with whom we communicated for a long time, betrayed me immediately. She argued that I was constantly sad, sad. In general, it is difficult to communicate with me like that. A friend also did the same, found a more fun and no problem. Therefore, it was very difficult for me to communicate with people, they constantly asked why I was like that. If I told this, then they began to feel sorry for me. And that irritated me a lot.

Now I seem to have begun to communicate, I just overcame myself. I began to go to parties, changed my wardrobe, forcibly forced myself to communicate with people. My grandmother also helped, both helped each other. On the outside, everything seemed to be back to normal. With my grandmother, I don’t cry, I’m cheerful. But I feel that it's hard for me to communicate with people. I got older or something. They can't understand me, but I can't understand my peers. I mean the team where I study. Everything is easy for them, easily, but I, as it were, have become more practical. For me they are children. And at night, longing gnaws at me, aching pain. This is how I live.

I apologize for the confusion. I had to speak up. If someone had the same situation, who lost loved ones, please tell us how you overcame it, what you did. I will accept all advice, and criticism too.

How to deal with death

For some reason, in society, it is either customary to avoid talking about death, or they consider this topic nowhere inappropriate and unpleasant. The topic of death is bypassed and some even cross themselves whenever the conversation concerns rituals or the dead. Why is this happening? Why do we have such fear in the face of death? For most people, death is the worst thing that can happen on our planet. Even from childhood, we are afraid of death. As children, we are afraid to tell the truth that our beloved pet did not leave and did not evaporate, but died.

Still, to be afraid of death is a wrong attitude. If you look, then death is not something in a black robe and with a scythe. Death is just a process. Physiological process. Another thing is whether this process occurs naturally or not. Then the conclusion is asked that it is not death itself that is worth fearing, but how it will overtake us. But after all, we are people and we are not immortal, therefore it is also wrong to live in fear all our lives, because sooner or later death will find everyone and we are all equal before it!

In fact, we are afraid of the unknown. What will happen next after death. Will I feel pain? Will I go to some other realm? What if heaven and hell really exist? What if I go to hell? All these questions scare us.

However, when someone close to us dies, we think of something completely different. We hurt. We cannot let go of a person and his soul. We are attached to him and we cannot imagine that he was only yesterday, and now we need to live without him. We go through different stages. There is even a stage when you want to "leave" after your loved one, who died. And at such times it is very important that someone was near. Usually, moralizing and various abstruse phrases from the cinema do not help when a person has such grief. You just need to let this person know that he is not alone. Make it clear that his life goes on, but it is better not to say this phrase to him. Indeed, at the moment of such anguish, he most likely will not even hear the meaning in it.

When a dear and beloved person dies, we become discouraged. We cannot accept the fact that death takes the best and most important people to us. We cannot accept death itself. We hate death! We blame her for everything! But who - her? After all, it's not a person. It is something intangible. Why blame anyone at all? Also, blame what is inherently natural.

Strange, but we know, always know and realize that people die. We can even perceive with indifference the news about the death of some strangers, because this is a natural process to which we are all accustomed, but when a loved one dies, we seem to learn for the first time that life is not endless. As if time stops and comes the realization of one's own helplessness and the transience of time. We begin to understand that everyone "leaves" and someday we will have to "leave" ourselves.

How do you come to terms with the death of a loved one?

How to come to terms with the death of a person in general? Is it possible to come to terms with this? These are more rhetorical questions, because you can’t just work out a certain algorithm of “resignation to death”. You can’t just open the manual, read it and accept it.

We all know one simple phrase: "time heals." In fact, of course, it does not heal and leaves scars in the form of memory. It is not able to completely heal the pain of loss, but it gradually helps to find that very humility! We live every day and get used to doing it without a loved one who has already gone to another world. We do not resign ourselves to death itself. We find strength in ourselves and get used to living without this person.

How to deal with the death of a husband or wife.

Sooner or later, there will come a time when you want to continue living a full life. You need to mourn your soul mate and move on! There is even in religions, and simply in traditions, such a rule that a widowed person needs to mourn for a year and mourn his spouse. And then, time. Over time, awareness will come, such a sobering awareness of reality and the need to live, and not exist in mourning and despondency.

How to come to terms with the death of a mother or father.

This is a very long process. Humility comes with time, but the residue remains forever. You just need to learn to live with this sediment. It is impossible to come to terms with death, but once you come to terms with the fact that your mother or your father has died.

With this, you can learn to live and even sometimes feel complete, but mother and father will always be the closest people in the world, so they will always be missed. The thought of not having a mom or dad will always hurt. With this pain, however, you can live fully. Just taking it for granted.

How to deal with the death of a loved one.

Believers are saved from despondency and unbearable grief in the church. They are in constant prayer. No, it will not help to come to terms with death, but it will definitely ease the mental pain. Faith generally helps not to fall into despondency, because despondency itself is a sin. And religion gives a lot of hope. Every Christian, for example, knows that the soul lives forever, and when a person dies, there is no need to grieve for a long time, because the soul has gone to a better world and you just need to accept that the person is not around. But he is where he is good! A believer knows that death occurs when it is pleasing to God and means that his time has come!

Kindness will help ease the burden of the soul. That is, doing good to others. You can help those in need and feel grace from the fact that grief gives rise to something good and new, and does not take you into the world of shadows and depression. You need to direct all your energy for the better. Let death give birth to life and goodness!

You can relieve yourself of suffering by doing something you love. Or, for example, to do some business that a now deceased person close to you wanted to do during his lifetime. Perhaps you wanted to do something together, but did not have time. It will become much easier for you if you find the strength in yourself and bring this matter to the end or even start! You can be sure that the soul of your loved one will rejoice! And this will make it easier for you!

We think too much about death, although at the same time we easily waste our time on some nonsense, on some useless things. Often we know that we could do something good, but laziness prevails over us. Sometimes we don't find time for our loved ones. We rarely tell them what we feel. We rarely hug, rarely let them love us. And most importantly, we do not always appreciate what they do for us. We are not always honest with them and more often closed to them. And we begin to appreciate only after we lose.

Probably, every person once experienced or will experience the feeling when his loved one "leaves". And this is a very important point. After all, then you begin to look at life differently. In this world, everything is so interconnected and everything is not just like that. All sorrows are given to us so that we learn to appreciate life and what we have. No matter how painful it is from losses, namely, they are the most important lessons of humanity. And even children should tell the truth right away. The truth that their grandfather or grandmother, cat or hamster died, and not, for example, turned into a bird and flew away. Then the child will have the opportunity to mourn a loved one with you and in the way it is needed. Without lies. It is necessary to instill from childhood the understanding that life is not eternal, that it is one and must be appreciated. And there is nothing wrong with a child understanding what loss is. The most important thing is how to present it. Well, it’s better to present it right away, because the child already feels that something is wrong and let him better immediately understand what happened than illusions will be built around him in order to preserve the imaginary cloudless children’s world.

No need to try to come to terms with death. You just need to realize that this is not something good or bad. It just is, like life! And everything has its time. And we just have to appreciate each other, respect and help! And, of course, not to “burn through” your life, but try to bring as much benefit as possible, try to enjoy life itself and what is given to us more.

How to come to terms with the death of your mother and how not to become a hostage to memories?

I’ll tell you from my own experience, you can put up with it, but the memories will remain forever and you will always think in any situation what she would choose now and how she acted. Live on, enjoy life, achieve success. It helps to think that she is next to and watching our lives. He rejoices when everything is good and worries when everything is bad. I myself am a mother of two children, but I really lack maternal care and love. Get the most out of your life - family, work or school, hobbies, helping orphanages - anything to fill the void. Remove all photos of mom from a prominent place, away in the album. Things, if possible, too.

8 years ago, my mother died in an accident. At first, I thought that my thoughts and memories would "go crazy." But on reflection, I came to the conclusion that this could not continue. I decided that the best thing I can do is correct what I was once guilty or wrong about my mother. my drunkenness), my mother is dead and I just can’t ask for forgiveness for something done wrong or said? - so I began to take care and help lonely old women who have no one and sometimes they don’t even have anyone to talk to, let alone help .I began to go to church. This is how I learned to manage my memories and do what my mother would be happy with in life. So I think my memory of her will be better preserved.

How to deal with the death of a mother?

Mum. Her love was unconditional. Everyone, consciously or not, rejected it aside in order to gain independence, is now forgiven forever. How to cope with the loss of a mother? Death comes to every family on this Earth. It is not merciful, it is a natural consequence of life. But, there is something indescribably personal when famous event, happens in the Universe with you. There is pain that has no end. There is no plan or map to guide the sad man further.

Yes, it is painful to become an “adult orphan”. But death is a spiritual practice. It must be realized, passed through the mental, emotional and physical way. It's over. Mom left. It is beyond imagination, but now, her being is free from tension and pain, it is independent.

The other side of sadness

The best remedy for moral healing is the lesson in "transferring life." The loss of the main human connection with the death of a mother is accompanied by numerous emotions. Numbness, confusion, fear, guilt, relief and anger are just some of the feelings.

Grief from the loss of a mother of gratuitous happiness affects the psyche in a unique and different way. Mom has finished her time on this planet. A new phase of existence begins. Thinking about mom's death won't go away for long as life goes on.

The other side of the mother's death is the comprehension of the present moment as the last. Mom's death is closer than ever. You can't stop living until you die. It is necessary to accept the death meaningfully, to experience it in own pace. Mourning is an open expression of an avalanche of emotions and an integral part of healing. There is no magic secret to recovery, be sad while accepting the pain.

The feeling of overtaken relief does not mean dislike. Understanding the end of suffering from the death of a mother, a natural continuation of love. It's normal to feel relieved for a number of reasons. Whatever the reason, it's normal. Examining the source of anger will lead to coming to terms with it. Feelings of guilt and regret, a common reaction to the death of my mother. Do not judge, do not try to suppress painful thoughts. Every time you can find someone who will listen.

When there are siblings, the death of a parent affects them differently. Each had their own unique relationship and mourn the loss in their own way, their right. Perhaps grief will bring you closer to each other. If so, welcome to such a gift.

Towards chaos

Loss and sadness overshadow clear thinking, energy. The most compassionate action towards yourself is to accept a helping hand. You need to relax, follow a pleasant diet, make a “bright” schedule for the day. Allow yourself a small dose of sadness, do not react to what happened every minute. Yes, you must mourn, but you must also live. Maybe it's time to get a pet? It's hard to live alone with sadness, you need someone. Cat or dog - someone. The dog is more of a concern though... They will become best friends. Pets bring great joy.

Embrace spirituality. Perhaps there is faith in the heart, be around people who understand and support your beliefs. Angry at God because your mom died? This feeling is nothing more than work on grief. spiritual mentor, like no one will help healing better, he will not condemn, he will only listen. You need to carefully go through the stages of grief that arise. Communication will throw sad notes out of the head, leaving only living moments.

isolation in oneself unhealthy way. Surging emotions, like ebb and flow, running with the moon. Life goes into slow pace. As if you are inside a bubble from which you can see the changed world. Outside - noise, inside silence and muffled sounds. Memories, and the bubble bursts, a cacophony of sadness invades the head. Isolation is a retreat that prevents you from living in real time.

Look for meaning. Why is mom dead now? What happens after death? Explore the search for the meaning of life, there is an answer to the death of a parent. Probably not definitive, the important thing is that questions have arisen about it. Death brings light, going beyond the material. Frankly - everyone dies happy, apart from everything else, it's just science. Time helps but cannot cure. Time can make the sharp and burning pain of loss less intense, and red-hot emotions less painful. But the feeling of emptiness, it will not fill.

To move towards grief means to be healed. Love life again. The wound will not heal without expressing sorrow. Grief is a process, not an event. It changes lives forever.

A person cannot be replaced, but peace in the soul can be found by recognizing the scale of the loss.

Justifying death, you go on a journey through a revolving door. The path is endless. When despair strikes, direct your thoughts to other people experiencing the same. Reappraisal of sadness from a different point of view will lead one step towards reconciliation.

Happy people are those who appreciate what they have, they don't get upset about what they lack. Control over emotions and actions, the first step towards overcoming obstacles. You can't change what's unchanged, you can react differently.

Equilibrium

Consider the connection between mind and body. Coping with the acute stress of losing a mom can be done by taking care of physical health. Take advantage medical examination, make sure that grief does not affect negatively. Stay alert, eat well, get enough rest, and do basic exercise. Body and mind find balance. Grief is a physical thing, it is a dagger in the heart. Feelings move up and down in unpredictable ways. Sadness has no schedule. Forward movement will appear as soon as possible.

Other stories of working off grief will help you find own way. People find solace in different things. Walk or hot bath, yoga or soothing activity. What matters is not what exactly, but the process itself. Songs and fragrances that give a comfortable state in general. In a moment, there will be a reason to smile. Honor your mother and her love with a smile. She would not want to see a child paralyzed with grief. Find joy again. Try something completely new. Break the routine. Laugh heartily. Love deeply. Live the life your mom wanted. Take care of life. Be a little more gentle with yourself than usual.

Can't deal with my mom's death

alena, age: 18 / 06/03/2012

if she knew about it. In general, it would

it's good for you to find those people whom you can

trust. And don't just trust, find friends, don't

fake ones, but real ones that you can go with

even to the end of the world. And more. try to jump

with a parachute. You probably won't be afraid to live

You still do not want, but this very life

Stanislavsky. , age: 15 / 06/03/2012

I will share with you my story. My father was

56 years old when he committed suicide. We have in

the family did not have any quarrels and scandals,

There were no financial problems either. He's just all

life helped people and when the moment came when

he became useless to anyone except his family, he

lost meaning in life. He left his mother

wife, two adult children, grandchildren. But its not

stopped. The moment he took

decision to die, he felt sorry only for himself and not

took pity on his family. He meant a lot to

our family and we had to learn to live without

him. The banal phrase "time heals" many

seems absurd, but nevertheless it has

meaning. The main thing is not to give up and want to live

have just begun to live and ahead of you may be

there are many more pleasant and happy moments.

I think that your mother wished you only happiness and

I wanted you to be happy in life.

Try to fulfill her wish. Good luck to you!

And GOD help you. If you want to talk

Mikhail, age: 31/06/03/2012

In this life, you can help your mother by doing good deeds in memory of her, praying for her.

Rusik, age: 06/22/2012

Don't even think about it! A year ago, I also lost my mother! But time heals and you need to continue to live! Meet a guy, find friends, some hobby and everything will be fine!

Anna, age: 23/04/06/2012

Alain, since you love your mother so much, do you want to be with her? If you commit suicide, you will never be with her, your souls will be in different places. You will upset and upset your mother with this, because. she sees everything and worries about you. Therefore, it is better to pray for her, do good deeds in her memory, and when the time comes, you will meet with her.

Nika, age: 06/29/2012

You just write like that three times already tried. The Lord protects you and thank him for this. You don’t want to live, you just don’t know how to live alone, this is a big difference. This is state will pass when you come to terms with your mom's death. a person is not eternal, because sometimes death frees a person from torment that no one could ease. You just have to live knowing that your mother sees you and prays for you. He is waiting for your prayer, our prayer for the deceased is the best memorial to him. Pray means love and remember. And if you didn’t have time to tell her something, then write a letter, and believe that it will “reach”, even if it remains lying in the desk drawer. Remember whether you have always been an impeccable daughter, I doubt it, but if so, then the meaning of your life was somewhat different. We appreciate what we have lost, I lost my mother at the age of 28, and only after 40 years did I begin to understand what had happened. Now I am as old as she was when she died, and only now I understand how much kind words we didn't tell each other. If you focus on it, then things will not work. May your worthy life will be a gift for your mother, God is all alive. I had a girl next door, a week before she came of age, her mother died, and she learned to do laundry, cook soup, wash dishes, and appreciate her mother. She told me about this more than once that she was capricious with her mother, and now there is no one to show whims to anyone. Pray to the Mother of God, now she is your helper and intercessor. My mother was seven years old in 1945, she was left an orphan. The war had just ended, she ended up in Kazakhstan, a German, the daughter of an enemy of the people. She had an orphanage behind her, from the age of 16 she worked in a mine underground, then she raised me alone, until the age of 12 and only at the age of 35 she began to She got married, and the marriage was not very successful, although outwardly everything was decent. You must be very attentive to who you communicate with, how you live, and everything else will be yours. So Alyonushka live, do not be discouraged, you just started adulthood a little earlier than others. Help of God

Olga, age: 51 / 06/04/2012

Even if it is very difficult, painful and lonely, you still cannot deprive yourself of life. We will all die in time. These are the laws of our Being. But the souls of suicides do not inherit the Kingdom of God. They go to hell. And then nothing can be fixed, even with prayers. Tests in this life are sent to each person according to his strength. Every day a struggle, every day a choice. Pray to God. He gives strength to overcome everything and overcome any trials. If you suddenly feel like committing suicide again, write here as much as you want, BUT DON'T GIVE UP. Let's fight depression together.

Even through your pain and despair, help your neighbors. Keep on suffering and praying. Suffering humbles, purifies and enlightens us. Be sure to pray for your mother, give alms for her. The Lord will not leave you and will always help you.

Sergey K, age: 06/29/2012

Alena, you can't commit suicide. This is grave sin. After him a man

goes to hell. In hell, the torment is much worse than any, even the most difficult,

torment on earth. AT literally this word. You cannot take your own life.

Only God can take a person's life. The God who gave him this life. Sin

suicide is not forgiven a person, because after it a person can no longer

confess. Repentance is possible only while a person is alive. There is no repentance after death.

Happiness to a person if his suicide attempt failed and he survived. He

can repent, ask the Creator for forgiveness, go to Confession in the church.

God will forgive sin. But if a person, having committed suicide, dies, then he goes to hell.

Do not commit this gravest sin. Ask God to give you the strength to live, ask that

How to let go of a dead person and come to terms with his death?

November is a month of nostalgia and sadness. The world around us loses color and slowly falls into a dead sleep. It is probably no coincidence that at the beginning of November there are religious-sacred days of commemoration of the dead and memories of people whom we knew, loved ... and still love. However, at the same time, this is an occasion to reflect on our attitude towards parting. After all, leaving this life is destined for everyone.

It cannot be avoided. In November, for many of us, with particular acuteness, the thought that everyone will step over the threshold that connects this world with that one is comprehended with particular acuteness. It is worth thinking about how we think about death, how much this understanding and awareness supports us. If not, can we change it to a mindset that can evoke more positive than negative feelings. Why do you need to do this at all? Here is what experts say about this - the so-called life coaches.

How to Let a Person Go: The Power of Healing Acceptance

As part of modern science neuroscience, quantum physics and medicine has recently been done a lot interesting discoveries which can be considered in the context positive psychology. Many of the theories already proven explain the processes we trigger with our thoughts and feelings. We influence them both on ourselves and on everything around. Therefore, it is worth being aware and being careful with what and how we think.

Breakups and loss are certainly among the situations that cause us the most pain. Sometimes so deep that it is difficult to describe it in any words. How to come to terms with the death of a loved one, how to let go of a person from thoughts and hearts - no matter what psychologists advise, it seems that there can be no answer to these questions at all. Moreover, many do not look for it, because they plunge into grief, which has a high chance of turning into depression. And it makes people lose their desire for life and plunge into despair for a very long time.

It happens that someone after the death of a loved one peace of mind never fully recovers again. Is it an expression of love? Or maybe this state of affairs stems from fear and dependence on someone's presence and closeness?

If we accept life as it is and accept its terms, the rules of the game (and death is one of them), then we must be ready to let go of the one we love. Love is our preference, not addiction. And not "ownership". If we love, then, of course, we feel sadness, regret and even despair after the final break with a loved one. Moreover, this does not necessarily apply to his departure from life, because the question of how to let go of a loved one from thoughts, from the soul, people ask in other, less tragic situations. But there is (at least should be) something else in us - the acceptance of the fact that this person has left our life and the acceptance of all the negative feelings associated with this. Therefore, they eventually pass, leaving a feeling of peace and gratitude for the fact that we once met and were together.

But if our life is dominated by a position based on control and generated by fear, then we cannot put up with death, we cannot let go of loss. Yes, it seems that we suffer - we cry and feel unhappy - but at the same time, paradoxically, we do not allow true feelings to come to us! We stop at their surface, afraid that they will swallow us. Then we do not give ourselves a chance for true experiences and may seek help in some kind of forced activity or drugs, alcohol. And in this way we contribute to the prolongation of the state of despair, bringing it to the deepest depression. Therefore, there is no need to run away from yourself, from your real feelings, to seek salvation from them - you need to accept their existence and allow yourself to experience them.

Think with love

According to physicist Dr. Ben Jonson, a person generates with his thoughts different frequencies energy. We cannot see them, but we feel their pronounced influence on our well-being. It is known that positive and negative thoughts differ fundamentally. Positive, that is, associated with love, joy, gratitude, are highly charged with the energy of life and act very favorably on us. In its turn, negative thoughts vibrate low frequencies that reduce our vitality.

In the course of research, it was found that the most creative, vital and healthy electromagnetic field generates thoughts related to love, care and tenderness. So if you deepen your state by drawing black scenarios like “I can’t do it”, “My life will now be lonely and hopeless”, “I will always be alone / alone”, then you will significantly reduce your vitality.

Of course, when a person is tormented by the question of how to come to terms with the death of loved ones, how to let go of a dead person who is always in his thoughts, in his heart, in his soul, he somehow does not have time to think about himself, about his well-being. However, there is a problem. After some time, it suddenly turns out that life, which has stopped for a suffering person, for some reason does not want to stop in external manifestations. In other words, a person still has to go to work and do something there, earn money for a living, feed children and take them to school ... For some time, he will be treated with indulgence, but this cannot last too long. And if a person is absolutely indifferent to his well-being, then a moment may come when he will not be able to do what no one can help him with. Even an ordinary everyday problem can be an overwhelming task for him. He will understand that he needs to pull himself together, but shaky health will be a very big obstacle on this path.

No one calls for driving away thoughts from loss, but when the stage of acute grief is experienced, it is time to change the emphasis in these thoughts.

Thinking of those who left, lovingly remembering happy moments, a person strengthens himself, and in some cases simply saves.

How to say goodbye to a loved one? How to let him go and not interfere with his affection?

Here is an exercise related to the practice of so-called integrated presence. It is believed that it makes a person closer to himself and to his feelings.

1. When you acutely feel sadness and despair, fear, confusion, a sense of loss, sit down, close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply.
2. Feel the air fill your lungs. Do not take long breaks between inhalations and exhalations. Try to breathe smoothly.
3. Try to breathe your feelings - as if they are hanging in the air. If you feel sadness, imagine that you are taking in her lungs, that she is fully present in you.
4. Then look for the place in your body where you feel your emotions the most. Breathe on.

The feelings you give space to are integrated. Then sadness will turn into gratitude for the fact that you had the opportunity to be, to live with a loved one. You will be able to remember his character, actions and general experiences with a smile and genuine, authentic joy. Repeat this exercise as often as possible - and suddenly you will feel strength in yourself. Sadness will turn into peace, and the question of how to let go of a loved one in such a way as to give him and yourself peace, how to find the strength to come to terms with his departure, will no longer be so acute.

Astrologers say: Scorpio is the king of death

The Scorpio archetype brings us closer to this topic, taking us through all the deaths that a person experiences while in the body. Scorpio loves to kill broad sense- help to ensure that the old, already outdated, leaves, giving way to the new. What must die? According to Scorpios, these are mostly "rotten" compromises, including with ourselves, when we deny our true feelings and desires. Scorpio teaches you to clearly say “yes” or “no” in order to live truly, fully

Phoenix is ​​reborn only from the ashes. What happens to him before his wings open again? He purifies himself in the fire of suffering. Life, according to Scorpio, is purgatory. We won't be able to taste bright pleasures, we won't rise to the heights of bliss before we know what pain tastes like. Thanks to her, looking into her eyes, we start all over again. Scorpions are associated with a snake, a symbol of transformation, as well as an eagle soaring high in the sky - already changed, already healed, with already more earthly feelings ...

How to deal with the death of your mother. How to deal with it?

It is very difficult, no one will help you.

Live in her memory. Unfortunately, everyone has their own destiny and it is impossible to conclude a contract with the Lord. You can't put up with it either - it hurts a lot. Every person is destined to rejoice and cry --- and everyone goes through this.

Try not to withdraw into yourself, only close people and communication with them are able to relieve this pain at least for a while.

Be in public more, do not create emptiness around you. To make the pain not so acute, you have to be constantly busy.

You just need to learn to live again.

You need to understand that life has not ended, that you HAVE to live on, that there will be something good in life. lots of good stuff!! ! Time heals everything.

Be the way your mother wanted you to be --- be happy.