In families in which a loved one suffers from diseases such as alcoholism, drug addiction, all household members suffer. In addition, there is a high risk that one or more family members may develop codependency. It aggravates the condition of the patient and harms others. That is why it is necessary to overcome codependency in this condition?

What is codependency

This problem has psychological reasons. It arises in a close environment from alcoholism - in a wife, children, mother. If then the husband can get into the network.

Codependency in alcoholism is complete dissolution in the dependent. It is expressed in the fact that family life is subject to the desires and aspirations of the alcoholic. They wash him, clean up after him, they try to solve all the problems that he arranges while intoxicated for him. They pity the addict, justify any of his actions, hiding the fact of alcoholism.

Thus, the close environment creates greenhouse conditions for such a person - he does not need to be responsible for anything, all problems are resolved by themselves.

Causes of codependency

One of the family members - these are the most frequent sources of such subordination among loved ones. However, this phenomenon can manifest itself in other conditions and even in completely prosperous families. Therefore, in order to determine if there is codependence in alcoholism, how to get rid of it, one should understand what are the hidden reasons for such behavior.

The sources of the appearance of an unpleasant phenomenon in favorable conditions can be:

• insufficient self-realization of the personality;
• abuse in childhood;
• transferred shocks and shock conditions;
• permanent

Usually codependency affects the life of the whole family. It manifests itself in excessive guardianship shown by one family member in relation to others, infringement own interests, the desire to show everyone that life is prosperous.

Alcohol addiction and its symptoms

It is quite difficult for a person to accept the fact of submission. Most people completely deny codependency in alcoholism. What to do in such a situation? Initially, you should accept this problem. To do this, analyze the following criteria as honestly as possible.

Signs of alcohol addiction are:

1. Excessive desire for control over all the actions of an alcoholic. This leads to the loss of the drinking person's ability to be responsible for their actions.
2. Constant self-deception that everything is fine and there is no problem.
3. The lifestyle of a drunk person becomes commonplace. The family is ready to endure everything.
4. Increased tolerance for drunken antics and established lifestyles.
5. Own interests and needs are relegated to the background.
6. The codependent feels guilty.
7. Self-esteem goes down.
8. The codependent is prone to depression, he is often visited by thoughts of suicide.
9. A tendency to tearfulness.
10. There are problems when communicating with people.
11. The codependent stops caring for himself.

Such people, no less than the alcoholic himself, need psychological help. Can't be ignored this problem. Only qualified professionals can help resolve such situations.

Psychological model

Experts believe that codependency resembles the persecutor-victim-savior model. What does she represent?

In the case of alcoholism and other bad habits A codependent can act in any of these roles:

1. Victim. A person constantly complains to relatives and friends who sympathize with him.
2. Pursuer. He tries to correct the situation with the help of threats or physical coercion.
3. Savior. A person provides help in small doses, achieving permanent addiction to an alcoholic.

This is the psychology of codependency in alcoholism. And this must be fought. If one member of the family constantly drinks, and the other spends all his strength to stop him, then help is needed not only for an alcoholic. It is also necessary to treat the codependent.

It is impossible to re-educate a patient with alcoholism. He needs serious treatment. Therefore, an alcoholic needs an appeal to a narcologist, and a co-addict should consult a psychiatrist.

Why is it important to eradicate codependency?

This is the most important and first step towards harmonious life. Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction is a kind of web that holds a sick person with a stranglehold, leaving him no chance for healing. Therefore, such a state should be disposed of.

Treatment of an alcoholic should begin with psychological assistance to a co-dependent. After all, as long as there is a person who endures and solves all problems, the drinker does not need to change anything in his life.

Consider the following when treating a family member for alcoholism. The codependent may have a breakdown. After all, he loses the meaning of life, which was to save an alcoholic.

A co-dependent person who used to be busy controlling, educating, now feels unnecessary. He no longer needs to take care of anyone. Against this background, such people are able to create an unbearable atmosphere in the house, inflame passions. As a result, a relapse may occur. Therefore, the codependent also needs adequate therapy, just like the alcoholic.

Treatment Methods

A person almost always denies codependency in alcoholism. How to get rid of a problem that is not even taken seriously? Only a competent psychologist or psychiatrist can help.

The alcoholic is of the opinion that his libations are not serious. He is sure that he can leave this occupation at any moment. The codependent explains his deviations by the fact that he wants to support the patient and help him. And in his opinion, this is quite obvious. Therefore, the treatment of codependency begins with the realization of the fact of the presence of the disease.

When the patient acknowledges that he is ill, psychological therapy which includes:

• individual conversations;
• learning how to deal with stressful situations;
• classes with a psychologist as part of a group of the same patients, communication with them;
• teaching the skills of a calm and harmonious existence.

As a result of such treatment, the codependent should see his life from the outside. Only after that, he will be able to understand what needs to be done and what model of behavior to choose for communicating with loved ones.

Getting rid of guilt

Alcoholics tend to blame others for their addiction. They constantly emphasize that they are not loved, do not pay attention to them. You can't believe it. The fact that a person abuses alcohol, his relatives are not to blame. He's just trying to justify his behavior. But it is on the basis that codependency most often develops in alcoholism. So stop blaming yourself for this situation.

Alcoholics need to be treated

If the addict promises that he will cope with the problem himself, you should not trust him. Alcoholism is a serious disease that requires complex and qualified help from a narcologist. You should not try to cure the patient with folk and other methods on your own. This is what codependents do most of the time. This is the wrong way. It aggravates the patient's condition. In addition, others suffer. Trying to help, even while hurting yourself and your family, is feature that there is codependency in alcoholism.

How to get rid of such attachment? Accept the fact that only a competent narcologist can cure alcoholism. Therefore, the help of a doctor in the treatment of this disease is necessary. Anonymous therapy can be carried out to exclude publicity.

stop controlling

It is not necessary to fight alcoholism with violent and prohibitive measures loved one. The drinker will always find an opportunity to drink. Therefore, it is pointless to hide money or pour alcohol. This will only lead the addict to the fact that he will begin to subtly deceive his relatives, withholding part of the salary.

Often, co-dependents set up a sick relative not to hide. And if he drinks, then let him drink at home. After all, he is under control. But this behavior only creates more comfortable conditions for an alcoholic: he drinks in warmth and comfort, no one swears.

Be realistic

You need to look at things properly. An alcoholic will not change his behavior, even if the life of the family changes radically for the better. Don't expect it to happen by itself. It is necessary to convince the person that without treatment he will not be able to cope with this disease.

Don't make excuses for an alcoholic

Many codependents suffer humiliation, insults and even beatings. It is impossible to justify the unseemly actions of an alcoholic by his inadequate state. There is no need to feel sorry for a person if he is kind and beautiful when sober, and when drunk is a family tyrant.

For example, in criminal law it is considered not an facilitating, but an aggravating circumstance in the commission of a crime. That's why you can never forgive drinking person his cruel and unseemly behavior.

Eliminate comfort

Problems that arise as a result of alcohol abuse, a person must solve for himself. I could not go to work - call the authorities and explain yourself. Made a drunken brawl - wash and clean up after yourself. Borrowed money - repay your debts yourself.

In no case should a codependent perform such actions, pitying the drunkard. In doing so, he creates comfortable conditions for the alcoholic, in which he is very pleased to be. Of course, the patient does not see the point in refusing to take alcohol. Do not solve the problems of an alcoholic, it is important step that allows you to defeat codependency in alcoholism.

How to behave if an addict has an attack or crisis? In such a situation, the help of relatives is simply needed. However, remember: help is not a glass of vodka for a hangover! This is a call for an ambulance (if the crisis seems dangerous to health) or the police (if the patient's condition and his actions can harm loved ones).

Don't be afraid to call for help. After all, the addict at this moment is inadequate. Delay in this situation can have irreparable consequences.

Contact the experts

Many clinics provide simultaneous treatment for codependence in alcoholism and drunkenness. This brings very good results.

During treatment, communication is limited. Thus, it turns out to break the codependent relationship. Relatives of an alcoholic during therapy become self-sufficient individuals. Namely, such a self-confident person is what a former addict needs. He simply will not give a chance to return to the old way of life.

People's opinion

So, if there is codependence in alcoholism in your family, how to get rid of it? Reviews of people who have encountered this problem indicate that most often they turn to a psychologist. It is theoretically possible to get rid of codependency on your own. But in practice, this is obtained only in units.

This is the main characteristic of codependents, on which all others are based. Hence such a feature of codependents as outward orientation. These people are completely dependent on external evaluations from relationships with others. Codependents do not know how to accept compliments and praise properly. It can even increase their feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Numerous obligations dominate in their minds and lexicons – “I must”, “you must”.

Low self-esteem can be a motive to help others. Since they do not believe that they can be loved and valuable in their own right, they try to "earn" the love and attention of others and become indispensable in the family.

2. The desire to control the lives of others.

Codependents believe that they can control everything in the world. The more chaotic the situation at home, the more efforts are made to control it. They think they can restrain or drug their loved ones.

Codependents are sure that they know better than anyone in the family how events should take place, how other family members should behave. To control others, they use persuasion, threats, coercion, advice, emphasizing the helplessness of others (“my husband will be lost without me”). They inspire guilt in others (“I gave you my whole life, and you ...”) or use gross domination and manipulation.

The problem of personal venality in the professional activity of a psychologist

Trying to take control of uncontrollable events leads to depression. The inability to achieve the goal in matters of control is considered by codependents as their own defeat, as the loss of the meaning of life. Other outcomes of the controlling behavior of codependents are frustration, anger.

Codependents take responsibility for others, while being completely irresponsible in relation to own well-being. They don't eat well, they don't sleep well, they don't see a doctor, they don't know their own needs. Saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he will continue to use alcohol or drugs.

The attempt to "save" never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior for both the codependent and the dependent. Such “concern” for others implies the incompetence, helplessness of the other, his inability to do what the codependent loved one does for him. All this makes it possible for co-dependents to feel constantly necessary, irreplaceable.

4. The senses.

Many behaviors of codependents are motivated by fear, which is the basis of any addiction. For co-dependents, this is the fear of facing reality, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of losing control of life, the fear of the worst. When people are in constant fear, they have a progressive tendency to rigidity of the body, soul. Fear limits freedom of choice. In addition to fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, prolonged despair, indignation, rage, resentment, self-pity, and anger also predominate in the emotional palette of codependents. These emotions are called toxic. They are used as defense mechanisms.

Personal qualities of a counseling psychologist

Another one salient feature emotional sphere co-dependent - obnubilation (clouding) of feelings or even a complete rejection of them, helping to increase tolerance negative emotions. Gradually, codependents increase their tolerance for emotional pain. negative feelings due to their intensity, they can generalize and spread to other people. Self-hatred easily arises. Hiding shame, self-hatred can look like arrogance and superiority over others (this is a transformation of feelings).

5. Negation.

Codependents use all forms of psychological defense - rationalization, minimization, repression, projection and others, but most of all - denial. They tend to ignore problems or pretend that nothing serious is happening. For example, when parents observe the state drug intoxication from a son or daughter, they can explain it with anything, but not the use of drugs.

Codependents easily deceive themselves, believe in lies, believe everything they are told, if it corresponds to what they want. They only see what they want to see and hear only what they want to hear. Denial helps co-addicts live in a world of illusion, because the truth is very painful. To deceive oneself is always a destructive process both for oneself and for others. Deception is a form of spiritual degradation. Codependents deny that they have signs of codependency. It is denial that prevents them from asking for help for themselves, prolongs and aggravates the dependence of the patient and keeps the whole family in a dysfunctional state.

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6. Diseases caused by stress.

These are psychosomatic disorders in the form of gastric ulcer and duodenal ulcer, colitis, hypertension, headache, neurocirculatory dystonia, bronchial asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmias. Codependents get sick because they try to control what is basically beyond their control (someone's life). They work hard and spend a lot of energy to survive. Appearance psychosomatic diseases indicates the progression of codependency.

7. The defeat of the spiritual realm.

Spirituality within the concept of codependency is defined as the quality of relationships with the subject (person) or object that is most important in life. The most significant and valuable are relationships with oneself, with family, society and God. If in the patient, as the disease progresses, these relationships and the values ​​associated with them are supplanted by relationships with chemical, then in codependents - pathologically altered relationships with a sick family member.

How to get rid of codependency?

You need to get rid of old habits in behavior. They can contribute to relapse. in this case, it does not focus on one patient, it includes his family. After all, addiction is a family disease, so treatment and prevention should also be family.
Psychological assistance to co-addicts gives them a huge win in the form of recovery and personal growth, as well as their relatives suffering from addiction, and children growing up in the family. For children, this is an essential element in preventing the development of addiction. It should be recalled that children of addicts are at high risk of developing addiction as psychoactive substances, and its non-chemical forms - workaholism, gambling, fanatical commitment to any activity, overeating, love addiction.
Involving the family in therapy speeds up and improves the recovery process of the addicted patient, reduces the level of stress among relatives, and increases the level of family cohesion.
Recommended psychological counseling women in partnerships with men addicted to alcohol. Counseling can translate into long-term productive psychotherapy.
There is ample evidence greater efficiency alcoholism treatment involving social environment, in particular families. The family can both contribute to the recovery of the patient, and "heal" itself.

However, the phenomenon addictions and codependencies much wider than it might seem. It extends not only to families of alcoholics, moreover, in order to become a co-dependent family member (husband or wife of an addict, to develop co-dependent relationships with children in your family), certain prerequisites are needed. We will talk about them in this article.

Navigation on the article "Codependency: the formation of a personality prone to psychological dependence"

Prerequisites for the formation of a personality prone to addiction and codependence

By about 3 years of age, the child should move from the stage symbiotic relationship with his mother to independent movement in the knowledge of the world around him. But this can only happen if the mother has given the child a sufficient sense of security and safety.

And in order to give it, you need to be the most confident enough in yourself, your strengths, to feel basicly protected in this world, which, alas, not all mothers have. Often exactly the opposite happens: a mother who is afraid of not coping with the situation for one reason or another, overwhelmed with fears both for herself and for the child, constantly generates anxiety.

As a result of this anxiety, she tries to satisfy the needs of the child "in advance", "worries" endlessly, is afraid of any manifestation of his displeasure, etc. She is constantly in terrible tension on the topic "my child should always be fine."

As a rule, inside this is “otherwise I - bad mother or “otherwise something irreparable will happen to my child.” Most often, both units are available.

As a result, the child does not feel safe because of the mother's chronic anxiety and gets used to the fact that the mother is constantly trying to satisfy any of his needs, not allowing him to deal with them at least something on his own.

I will give a simple example. Suppose a child woke up at night from the fact that he took some kind of uncomfortable position in his sleep. His first reaction is to cry. But if you give the child a little time, he himself can find comfortable posture and quiet down.

An anxious mother almost never gives the child time to decide for himself whether the problem is serious or not, whether the problem is worth calling the mother, or you can solve it on your own. So he gets used to it, growing up: the older he is, the more his mother solves his problems. And not vice versa, as, in theory, it should be: the older he is, the more independent.

Remember this expression: “Little children are little troubles, and children have grown up, and troubles have grown”? This is a reflection of our Russian mentality of anxious mothers. And a reflection of the formation process psychological dependence and sometimes not only psychological.

All this leads to the fact that in those very three years, when a personality, his own "I" begins to actively wake up in him, he is not able to get enough psychological freedom. He cannot switch to the knowledge of the world, leaving his mother a little aside (which is already accessible to him by age).

After all Mom is constantly worried about him., constantly trying to solve his problems, in fact, she cannot allow him to act on his own, her anxiety breeds control, and does not allow the child to grow up. So the child is partially stuck in this stage of development. and the feeling of his own “insufficiency” become a habitual and even vital background for him.

After all, being dependent, he receives a strong return in the form of maternal love, support and approval. The equal sign between love and addiction is getting clearer every year.

Developing in such conditions, the child does not become whole person, he grows up with the feeling that there should always be someone who "helps" him to be whole. And by itself, he cannot be integral - he is accompanied by a constant maternal “what if he does something wrong”, “what if he falls and hurts himself”, “what if he makes a mistake”, etc.

And the child himself gets used to believing in it, but already at the subconscious level, because few people remember how his relationship with his mother proceeded at the age of 2-3 years, and even more so before. He gets used to believing that by himself he cannot live. That he always needs someone who will be responsible, manage, control, worry and care.

Psychological dependence and chemical dependence: men and women

But with all attempts to offer a person meanings, solutions for relaxation or receiving, the addict protests: after all, if he switches to self-sufficiency, he will lose his sense of integrity, which so far is achievable for him only through merging with another, with someone who will be firmly attached to him fears and anxieties, who will be completely focused on it.

Women are more likely to fall into the trap of psychological dependence. She often needs not just a man, but someone who cannot do without her, who will constantly confirm her need for her. And, as a rule, these are men who are prone to addiction. After all, they “will be lost without it”, “they won’t cope without it”, etc.

The scheme here is the same: a woman tries to at least temporarily eliminate the anxiety introduced by her mother, and most often actualizes it through the “rescue” of a man. And thus creates a sense of integrity, which was previously lived in a relationship with an anxious mother.

They complement each other in this system: the dependence of a man makes him helpless, insufficiently independent and in need of “supervision” from a woman.

And a woman prone to psychological dependence does not imagine a relationship with an independent and independent man- after all, then she will not feel so necessary, there will be nothing to constantly worry and worry about. And this is how she used to perceive and show love.

It happens, of course, and vice versa, when a woman becomes dependent, and a man takes on the role of a rescuer. But in our country, the classic scheme is more often relevant, in which a woman “saves” a dependent man.

Illustration for the picture of co-dependent relationships

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Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding

Codependency is often misunderstood. This is not just a label that society hangs on the wife of an alcoholic. The phenomenon of codependency embraces wide range behaviors and thought patterns that cause mental suffering varying degrees intensity.

codependence

I hope this article will clear up some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you better understand it.

1. Codependency is a reaction to trauma.

You can develop codependency traits from early childhood ,as a way to deal with violence, chaos, or dysfunction in the family. As a child and being in stressful situation, you have learned that to maintain peace and tranquility, caring for others, denying own feelings and trying to control everything around - they are ways to survive and cope with the frightening and unpredictable life at home.

For some people, the injury can be hidden, almost invisible. Even if you had a "normal" childhood, you may be experiencing "generational trauma" if your parents or close family members passed on their own patterns of response to traumatic experiences.

2. Codependency is full of shame.

Psychologists define shame as an intense, painful conviction of a person that he is imperfect, flawed, and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families come to the conclusion early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have directly told you this, calling you dumb or worthless, or you received this message when they blamed you for their own problems.

We know that addictions, violence or mental illness leave a stigma so we are afraid to admit these problems to ourselves.

Shame grows when we cannot tell others about our difficulties, we feel lonely and inferior, as if these problems are our fault and a direct consequence of our shortcomings.

We come to believe that we are not as good as everyone else, and this belief is strengthened further if others treat us badly, reject us, or abandon us.

3. Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people's problems, feelings, and needs.

Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and distract from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process.

Relationships turn into obsessions so that they are difficult to break even when you realize that they are unhealthy. Your self-esteem and feeling personal identity based on relationships.

You may be asking yourself, “Who am I and what will I do without my husband (wife, child, or parent)?”. This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which you are not sure who you really are.

4. Codependent people are very sensitive to criticism.

Codependent people are overly sensitive. Their feelings are easily hurt and they face huge amount pain, shame and criticism in your life.

We do everything to avoid the displeasure of others. We go by the wayside to make others happy. We try to stay "small and inconspicuous" as long as possible so as not to draw attention to ourselves.

5. Codependents are overly responsible.

Codependency is the glue that holds families together. We need to make sure the house's rent is paid, the kids go to the basketball court, and the windows are closed so the neighbors can't hear the fights and screams.

Most of us were very responsible kids who took care of our parents, siblings, household chores and schoolwork without parental help. We find it easier to care for others than for ourselves. We gain self-respect when we feel responsible, reliable, and hard at work.

But we pay for it high price when we overestimate our strengths, become workaholics, or accumulate resentment when we realize that our contribution to relationships is much greater than others.

6. Codependency shuts us off from our own feelings.

Avoid painful feelings is another strategy often used by codependents.. But because we can't selectively shut out just painful feelings, we shut out everyone.
It becomes more difficult for us to fully enjoy the joys of life.

Even painful and unpleasant feelings give us important hints of what we need. For example, if your colleague publicly took credit for your success, it would be natural to feel resentment, frustration, and/or anger. These feelings are telling you that you have been treated badly, that this is wrong, and that you need to figure out how to deal with it.

And if you pretend or convince yourself that you are not offended or angry, you will continue to allow others to exploit you or offend you in some other way.

7. Codependents don't ask for what they need.

One of the results of suppressing feelings is that we no longer understand what we need. And it is impossible to meet our own needs or ask others to meet them when we have no idea what they are.

This is a consequence of low self-esteem, when we do not feel worthy to ask our partner, friends or employer for what we need.

The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask others to listen to them. Of course, asking does not guarantee that your wishes will be granted, but this is more likely to happen when we ask in an assertive (self-confident) manner rather than remaining passive (or waiting to explode until we are overwhelmed with rage).

8. Codependents keep giving even when it hurts them.

Caring and willingness to adapt are signs of codependency. What makes these overall positive traits unhealthy? That codependent people invest their time, energy, and even money in helping and caring for others, even when it causes them pain and deprivation.

This concern also causes us to become immune to being deceived or taken advantage of. We find it difficult to set boundaries, and we cannot strike a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.

9. Codependency is not a symptom of a mental disorder.

Many people with codependency have clinically significant level anxiety, depression, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but codependency in itself is not a mental disorder.

Remember that seeking the advice of a psychotherapist does not mean that something is wrong with you. You may feel empty or incomplete, but that doesn't mean you are!

10. You can change your codependent behavior.

A person can recover from codependency. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it will be easy, but it is possible. Change is a gradual process that takes practice and openness, a willingness to try new behaviors and experience awkwardness and discomfort at first.

Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding.published .

By Sharon Martin

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

Attention! The Assistance Narcological Center began recruiting participants for a group of psychotherapeutic assistance for co-dependent persons.

For several years now, the center has been holding meetings in a group format for relatives of people addicted to psychoactive substances. The program is designed for 3-4 months, takes place in an anonymous format once a week on weekends. The program is led by a professional psychotherapist with great experience work in small group format.

In order to start helping your loved ones cope with addiction, you need to help yourself recover the resources wasted in trying to cope with the problem of addiction on your own. To do this, you need to understand what addiction and codependency are and the causes of these conditions.

What does our psychological help look like?

1. Lectures, scientific developments, seminars on the topic "What is addiction and codependency" .

This is the starting point for understanding what is happening in your life. Clarifying your state of mind. Lectures, group meetings, seminars evoke an inner support for understanding addiction and codependency. Codependents constantly live in anxiety, in despair, in hopelessness and fatigue. And understanding the cause of these conditions - a person recovers. In the joint finding of oneself - co-dependent and oneself - happy and healthy person, members of the support group, and a psychologist, and your desire also participate.

2. Group meetings with a professional psychotherapist on codependency and family problems. " You are not alone.."

Under close supervision and guidance experienced psychologist You will be able to learn to speak openly about your problem, to hear and understand that you are not alone. You will be surprised to find that your secret and pain is familiar to many co-addicts. Learn to find solutions together and live the steps to healing. Why is it so important group work? Because on personal examples from the life of group members, you will be able to feel the unity of painful feelings, you will understand that many feelings, thoughts, actions and behavior are the same for all co-dependents. That your reactions to an addicted person close to you are the same. The specialist will help get rid of the habitual form of behavior and live anew, open yourself up and find new, healthy forms of communication with an addicted person and learn how to live freely.

3. Individual psychological support for codependents. "We all come from childhood"

After years destructive life, codependents poorly understand the principles of communication of normal adults. Their communication was for a long time in the form of attack and defense. It is necessary to get rid of habitual forms of communication and behavior and learn to speak the truth and speak it with love. In place of control and anxiety, there should be honest and open communication. Codependent person is no accident. On individual psychological consultations a genogram and a sociogram of a person's life are compiled. The mechanisms of formation of codependent behavior are clarified. During what period of life did a person feel the pain of addiction. It is necessary to recognize and reject internal installations, which were laid by relatives and important people in childhood.

Codependency is a family disease. Symptom of family dysfunction. Emotional reactions and patterns of behavior by which the child tries to protect himself from pain in childhood are carried over into adulthood. Working with a psychologist, a person learns to accept himself, with all fears and weaknesses. He discovers in himself valuable and exceptional qualities, on which he will later rely and begin to live a deep sense of love and closeness, both in relation to himself and to others. Special attention devoted to the topic of trust. Learning to love is learning to trust. A person lives in distrust because of the wounds that he carries in himself from the past, and which fill us with fears and disbelief in ourselves. The habit of seeing the world in the old way is an internal hypnotic vision that has formed as a defense against received psychological trauma. And we see the world not as it is, but as we saw it in childhood. Out of fear and distrust, a person sabotages love by using his usual reactions - blaming, reacting to the negative, withdrawing into isolation, withdrawing into himself, lying, manipulating and rejecting. Together with a psychologist, a person expands the boundaries of his world, abandons old forms of behavior, from knowledge that interferes with life and finds his own way. He sees, feels and realizes himself in this new, healthy condition. The deep knowledge of unconditional Love is revealed.

Here are a few personal stories codependents who have chosen a group psychotherapeutic assistance program:

“I live in hell. close to me man is a drug addict. He has withdrawal symptoms - and I have tremors and pain all over my body. I give him money for a dose to make him feel better, and at night I quietly die from heartache. I yell at him, hope it's in last time”, I believe his words and yell at him again when he cheats again. It seems to me that he lacks willpower.

“My husband is an alcoholic. And I feel the same way. And I want to help, and I'm angry, and I hate him, and it's a pity .. My control does not help at all. I no longer believe in my strength. And a heavy sense of guilt and hopelessness. She herself began to drink with him so that he would get less. I'm scared".

Our therapy groups provide powerful support and development for the codependent. The tasks that the psychologist sets for himself are informing, determining readiness for change, discussing exciting problem and finding its solution. Assistance Center help group "carries out" the recovery program, and also provides ongoing psychological support. People who have lived and live for many years with a person suffering from addiction often do not think about the source internal stress. Therefore, they need outsiders who they can trust to recognize the problem and teach them how to cope with the difficulties on the way to a healthy and free life.

Most frequent problems, which prevent the codependent from becoming healthy and voiced during group meetings:

• The erroneous idea that he is responsible for the feelings, behavior and, moreover, the life of another person.
• Difficulty identifying your feelings. It is difficult to express emotions such as fear, anger, happiness. At the same time, there is an illusion that "I know everything about my husband (son, brother, daughter, wife...)".
• Anxiety about how other people perceive the codependent and his problem ("shame if people find out", "this is our family secret"," I do not tell anyone about this).
• The habit of making wishes dependent people, their problems and needs are higher than their own. (“I already forgot about myself”, “the main thing is to save my husband (son, wife ..), “I dedicated my life to him, and he ..”, “this is my cross.”
• Difficulty admitting your good qualities or deeds.
• Difficulties in building close relationships.
• Fear of loneliness.
• Fatigue from the constant desire to manage and control the behavior of other people.

Group work includes practical tasks, exercises in which a person learns to live more freely, to feel their needs and boundaries, to respond in a new and open way.

What can a family do for a loved one who is addicted to alcohol or drugs?

The patient needs family help. But in order to start helping, you need to acquire some knowledge and skills, as in any business. Family members have a lot of emotional experience, but they do not know well and do not perceive addiction as a disease. Everything that the family did before the start of treatment can be defined in one word - “suffered”. Now it's time to calm down and learn more about addiction as a disease. long time the whole family usually enjoys psychological protection- denial. You need to stop playing hide-and-seek with yourself. The most important thing is to acknowledge the problem. Often relatives seek help, but when they hear the word “alcoholic” or “drug addict” from the lips of specialists, they refuse to receive it. What is scarier for you - the word or the problem itself? The family is usually very reluctant to accept that their loved one has an addiction, that he is addicted, and that this is very serious. The problem of addiction is hushed up, hidden or downplayed. It's time to stop treating addiction as a vice, as a moral defect, and start considering it a disease.

So, the problem must be recognized by the family, but then what? The second step is the most difficult. It is necessary to persuade the patient to be treated, in any case, to see a doctor. It can be very difficult to do it alone, therefore, what is beyond the power of one person can be done by several people. Close, dear, emotionally significant people for the patient may one day undertake a tried and tested “intervention tactic”. Everyone who is close to the patient sits in a circle and talks with the patient about his health. You can invite a work colleague or an old colleague, good friend. The conversation should be calm, without accusations. Let each of the participants say that he is concerned about the health of the patient, that he is too dear to each of those present, you can talk about the consequences to which his addiction led. It is better if the doctor prepares the intervention together with the family. The purpose of the intervention is to motivate the patient for treatment. The patient must face the consequences of his behavior.

Don't lose hope. Many patients have perked up and risen to a sober life, both with the help of treatment and on their own. If the patient still does not agree to go to treatment, go yourself for treatment for codependency. Either way, live your life, not his. This is a reasonable measure, not selfishness. This measure may also be useful for your loved one. As soon as you begin to bring your plans to the end, switch your energy to solving your own problems and tasks and learn to appreciate your life, regardless of its state, your self-esteem will increase. It often happens that at first a relative of the patient comes for treatment for codependency, and after a while, the patient himself comes for treatment. The family is a system. For which link in this system you will not pull, the entire configuration of the system will change. Family healing can start today.

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