My greetings to all! Everyone can be shy in certain situations. Our conversation is about the shyness that interferes with life and work. How to overcome shyness, we will consider in this material.

Disadvantage or trait?

If there is such a character trait, then in our time it is a real ballast, which must be urgently disposed of so that it does not interfere with achieving success in life.

Reasons for shyness:

• upbringing,
• heredity,
• appearance features,
• social status,
• the influence of the environment, etc.

For many, stiffness comes from childhood. If a child is constantly pulled away, not allowed to explore the world, subsequently such self-doubt will develop in him that, as an adult, he will think how to overcome this feeling.

Do not suppress the initiative of the child, do not forbid finding new friends, just provide him with safety.

The main thing is not to be dismissive of him, do not humiliate him, avoid ridicule of him, especially in public, stop instilling fear in him. But at the same time, do not let him behave unleashed, create inconvenience to others.

The shyness of the child, when he is too small, is due to his insufficient adaptation in society. The environment can also develop a sense of inferiority, self-doubt. The opinion of others is especially important for a teenager.

In adolescents, this feeling is in an aggravated state, so never tell a girl that she is ugly, and a boy that he is a loser.

Frequent repetition hurtful words will impose a large inferiority complex on the child. It is also not necessary to overpraise, so as not to grow an arrogant arrogant.

Categories of shyness

People show this feeling in different ways, so it was divided into types. Types of shyness:

• Particularly shy people always experience tension, fear, awkwardness. It prevents them from finding Good work, to start a family.
• Adapted shy, who themselves were able to overcome this feeling, learned to adapt in an unfamiliar environment.
• Schizoid-introverted, when a person does not want to communicate with people at all, avoids any contact.
• Pseudo-schizoid shyness arises from social or physical inferiority. Many people who have low self-esteem, trying to compensate for her unleashed behavior.
• Psychasthenic shyness is when people are afraid to stand out, do not want to be a leader. Such people may become addicted to alcohol.

With shyness, you will have to learn to live or try to get rid of it. This quality of personality in society is often perceived as delicacy and modesty, but it is still difficult for a person to live with it. Sometimes modesty reaches such proportions that they begin to dislike this person, so everything is fine, which is in moderation.

But we can often observe shameless people, which is also not very good. If a teenager has this quality, then it is extremely difficult to teach him the norms of a human hostel.

Ways to overcome shyness

Is it possible to overcome this feeling? Experts have deduced several rules that help to become more sociable and liberated.

1. You need to communicate more with strangers.
2. Do daring things without breaking the law. Try to give a speech in front of large audience or sing a song, attend a casting television show. Highly good way– sign up for a charity organization to participate in public events. It will be a brave act for a girl to ask a guy out on a date.
3. Become a confident person by overcoming your complex. If you have complexes about your appearance, go in for fitness, go to the hairdresser, change your wardrobe, take care of your face, hair, nails. Conquer everyone with your well-groomed appearance.
4. Change your profession so that you can climb the corporate ladder, start making good money, it is especially important for guys, because they are considered to be the earners. Finally, arrange your personal life. Anyone who is happy in marriage does not pay attention to complexes at all.
5. Find a friend who is not clamped down by complexes. Try to learn from him to be relaxed, but not untied.
6. Select the right profession , where you can show your abilities and talents, communicate a lot with different people. The following professions will help remove shyness: journalist, presenter, tour guide, artist, politician and social activist, client manager.
7. Another problem is the computer. Dive less into virtual world , go out to people more.

Method for determining the degree of isolation in a child

In children who are afraid of everything, they blush for any reason, during adulthood there will be many problems. Parents can determine the degree of self-esteem of their child. There is special diagnostics called "Ladder".

Put a sheet of paper in front of the child where the ladder is drawn. Encourage your child to put themselves on any step.

• If a child has chosen 1 or 2 steps, then his self-esteem is too low.
• If a student put himself on the 3rd, 4th, 5th step, then everything is in order with his self-esteem.
• If he drew himself on the 6th or 7th step, then his self-esteem is high or even inflated.

The test should help parents find correct solution Problems. In the first case, parents need to help the child see a personality in himself, start praising him for the work done, saying that he will succeed. The third case is good, but may interfere with the child in the future. After all, it will not always be only praised and stroked on the head. In this case, helping the weak, sick will help. Most importantly, don't overdo it.

Diagnosis - social phobia

If you are often insecure about yourself, often think: “What will people say?”, Then your diagnosis is social phobia. There are a lot of such people. They are afraid of condemnation of people from outside. So they start to worry even more. Scroll over and over again all the words spoken to him in communication.

Is it possible to get rid of social phobia? Exercises have been developed to help you live a normal life.

1. negative thoughts replace with positive ones.
2. Do what you fear.
3. Never remember your failures, only the good and pleasant.
4. Feign confidence. Stand in the middle of the room, straighten your back, speak louder at first, and then a little slower.
5. Practice speaking slowly. People who suffer from social phobia always speak too quickly and slurredly. Therefore, they always say not what they wanted to say, they just do not have time to think about their words.
6. Allow yourself to worry, because this is normal.
7. Never compare yourself to others, accept yourself as you are. You are a unique, inimitable person.
8. Smile more often, because a smile is a sign of self-confident people.
9. Think of yourself only well, encourage yourself for success, praise.
10. Do not try to please everyone, it is unrealistic.
11. Change your place of residence in order to start life differently - not a squeezed and constrained person.
12. Believe in yourself, remove negative thoughts.

Dear friends, we are all shy to one degree or another, you just need to believe in yourself, love yourself, as a creation of nature, then all phobias will go away forever.

The content of the article:

Shyness is emotional condition which makes a person feel discomfort, lack of confidence in himself and his abilities. This feeling inherent in everyone, but the degree of manifestation is different for everyone. Its formation is influenced by upbringing in the family circle and the experience of the past. The fear of everything new and unfamiliar makes a person withdraw into himself, can lead to mental disorders.

The impact of shyness on a person's life

In a person's life, shyness can play both the role of a "zest" and interfere with the achievement of goals, it all depends on the degree of manifestation. When meeting and the first joint conversation, attention is always paid to manners, the ability to conduct a dialogue and openness to the interlocutor.

If a person is tactful, moderately embarrassed, does not raise his voice, this indicates his good upbringing. But, if there is always a sense of fear for everything new, the fear of being the center of attention and doing something wrong, you need to sound the alarm and look for all sorts of ways to overcome shyness before it's too late.

A shy person is not always an eternally embarrassed and withdrawn person, he can play a role by wearing a quiet mask in public, and behave aggressively and hostilely with his family. This type of behavior results from the inability to speak one's mind in public or act according to own desires, after which he finds relaxation in family quarrels, and the key to this attitude lies deep in child education. Also in infancy You need to think about the consequences of parental influence.

Result of shyness:

• Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities. A person with this quality loses the ability to independently manage his life, follows the lead of others, while having his own point of view, but eventually abandoning it. Such people are unable to get a job (they are afraid not to pass the interview and be ridiculed).
• Manifestation of fear of authorities and members of the opposite sex. In the presence of outsiders, they feel discomfort and suppression, they are afraid to take the initiative, they do not say what they think, and they live by the principle - it is better not to do anything so that they do not scold. Basically, such people are closed and practically do not communicate with representatives of another article (considering themselves unworthy of their attention). Prefer virtual communication and do not make new live acquaintances.
• Various phobias. Shy people cannot force themselves to behave adequately and think clearly, while being exposed to constant fears which subsequently lead to depression. A shy person in most cases lives his life alone or with his family, never daring to find mutual language with society. Unwanted shyness can lead to global phobias, which in turn will overshadow the taste of life with sheer fear of all living things.

The main causes of shyness

Many works of scientists and psychologists were put on the study of the origin of the so-called shy state in humans and the impact of this manifestation on life.

Opinions converged on such causes of shyness, consider each of them:

1. Heredity. If in married couple someone disposes to the manifestation of shyness, then such a feature can be inherited by a child on genetic level.
2. Influence of upbringing. A child subjected to constant prohibitions, reproaches and humiliation is at risk of becoming insecure with age.
3. Failure to make contact. This reason due to the fact that elementary communication skills are not formed.
4. Low self-esteem. A person who is constantly criticized and condemned eventually loses faith in himself and his abilities.
5. social anxiety. People who are constantly afraid of being rejected, fall face down in the mud.
6. Bad experience . If a person has experienced a mental trauma in the past that shocked him, then later isolation and fear of others may occur.
7. Created stereotypes. A child who is constantly praised is afraid to stumble and, as a result, is silent, does not express his point of view.

If in the first case, attempts to correct the situation can lead to failure, then in the rest, the opposite is true. Education should include both encouragement of the baby and prohibitions, the combination will allow you to grow up a person who is open to communication and at the same time knows the edge.

Important! Shyness is not a disease! Too shy person does not see the merit in himself and because of this he is subjected to his own condemnation. But everything can be changed with a little effort.

The main signs of shyness in a person

Shy people are easy to recognize, because they try to hide from the eyes, thereby attracting attention to themselves. Everyone sees varying degrees manifestations this behavior, ranging from mild embarrassment to depressive panic, but everything depends on the situation that causes this reaction.

There are such forms of signs of shyness:

• External signs: a person does not start a conversation first, looks away from the interlocutor, speaks quietly and uncertainly, answers briefly to the questions posed to him and does not support the dialogue with response stories or questions, looking for an excuse to hide from attention.
• Internal signs: such people know in advance that they are not interesting to others, constantly feel hostile looks on themselves, mentally shame and condemn themselves, are embarrassed in society and feel helpless, awkward.
• Physiological signs: sweating, tears, shaking hands, redness of the face, fragility in the body, chill in the abdomen, rapid heartbeat.

Shy people are contradictory, in some situations they themselves give signals, showing that they want to make contact with the interlocutor, and immediately push him away, fearing to do or say something wrong. A person with this quality constantly shames himself, painfully perceives criticism and tries to hide from prying eyes.

Note! If a person is aggressive, this does not mean that he is self-confident and has an overestimated self-esteem. Take a closer look, maybe this is a mask behind which fear and contempt for oneself are hidden.

Features of getting rid of shyness

Overcoming shyness is a thorough and refined work on yourself and your thoughts. Until a person subconsciously makes sure that he needs it, nothing will come of it. In order to overcome an unwanted disease, it is necessary to mentally imagine yourself healthy, if such an imaginary character is fully satisfied, then you can realize it in life.

Psychologists have developed an actual step-by-step technique that will tell you in detail how to deal with shyness:

1. Appearance. If a person is shy and always feels a sense of fear, then a stereotype is triggered that he dresses in dark colors that are not conspicuous to others, is untidy, does not follow his appearance - because he is not interested in this, this is not the main thing in his life. Changing your wardrobe and style, appears A New Look. By emphasizing your attractive parts of the body, changing your usual hairstyle, a feeling of sympathy for yourself arises, which in the future will push the feeling of hostility towards yourself into the background.
2. Getting rid of idols. Creating an ideal for himself, a person mentally compares it with himself, as a result of which he acquires self-doubt and, without noticing it, begins to reproach himself for the discrepancy. Convinced of the superiority of another person, there is a desire to completely imitate him, while hiding own virtues and acquiring many complexes. It must be remembered that there are no ideal people, everyone has both pluses and minuses. Getting rid of idols, a person throws out from his subconscious the formed complexes that suppressed his own ego.
3. Sociability. Avoiding communication with others, a person protects himself from the knowledge of the world, from friends and acquaintances. The fault of the inability to conduct a dialogue is a small vocabulary, the inability to competently and accurately express the essence of thought, the fear of saying something wrong and being ridiculed as a result. overcome this problem can be done by reading and applying various practices that are aimed at developing speech apparatus. For example, E. Lapteva " Tutorial for the development of speech. 1000 Russian tongue twisters for speech development”; D. Carnegie "How to develop self-confidence and influence people by speaking in public" and many others.
4. Blanks. Shy people are afraid to get into unfamiliar situations, in order to avoid embarrassment, you need to rehearse your actions in advance. It is advisable to write down some kind of blanks for a particular situation on paper and work out the sequence of your gestures, words, facial expressions in front of a mirror, which will help you gain experience, confidence in communicating with people, and subsequently protect you from incidents.
5. Getting rid of muscle clamps . All people with shyness feel stiffness of movements during communication, their fear tries to protect a person from negativity, hiding behind the so-called bodily shell. The clamp created by the body does not allow you to freely express your emotions, while feeling discomfort and muscle spasm. You can get rid of the shell with breathing exercises, which will fill the body with energy, through massage, which will help relax tense muscles.

How to overcome shyness

Many people wonder how to get rid of shyness. First of all, it is necessary to raise self-esteem, begin to listen to yourself and push the opinions of outsiders into the background.

How to get rid of shyness in children

Shyness can be temporary (manifested only in childhood) or be a character trait. If shyness is observed already at an early stage of development, you need to look for ways to overcome it at the very beginning. Unlike adults, children do not know how to put on masks and hide their feelings, so you can easily identify a shy child.

Ways to deal with this feature of the child are varied:

• It is necessary to reduce the list of bans for it. If the baby is forbidden everything, he can withdraw into himself, in fear of doing something wrong.
• Introducing the child to the need to greet passers-by. This method will allow the baby to easily come into contact with people.
• In no case should you compare a child with someone else, because this can lead to the creation of an unwanted idol and a decrease in self-esteem.
• If the baby did something wrong, do not condemn him in the presence of strangers, but talk to him alone, thereby protecting your child from the fear of the public in the future.
• Parents should not put forward excessive demands on the child, because, without calculating his capabilities, you can unconsciously harm.
• By allowing the child to make his own choices in a given situation, parents will allow him to gain a sense of significance and confidence.

If you follow these recommendations in practice, then gradually the child will believe in himself and in his own strength. He will see that communicating and making friends with peers is not as scary as he thought before.

How to overcome shyness in women

At the first meeting, shy women attract with their modesty and simplicity, and when there is no contact and fear begins to appear, it frightens and repels the interlocutor. Girls who have such a character trait run the risk of remaining lonely and uninteresting. If you wish to get rid of this negative manifestation, then you should not hesitate!

First of all, you need to make a list of positive qualities (if you can’t complete the task yourself, you can ask a friend or relative to do this). It is advisable to add to the list those qualities that you would like to have. Every morning and evening, peering into the mirror, you need to reread what you have written. This method will increase self-esteem and help you realize that not everything is as bad as it seemed.

Secondly, in some women, shyness is provided for by an old-fashioned upbringing, but, looking around, you need to realize that everything flows and everything changes. Only the one who keeps up with the times will achieve success.

Thirdly, you need to learn to calmly accept your mistakes. Ideal people does not exist. Everyone tends to make mistakes, because only thanks to their mistakes a person gains experience in the future.

How to get rid of shyness for men

According to famous psychologist Philip Zimbardo, shyness in men is much more common than in women, but it hides behind a mask of aggressiveness and hostility. The shyness of men is based on great demands on them, everyone sees defenders, breadwinners and sexual sexual giants in front of them. The fear of not conforming to established stereotypes forms many fears in their minds.

How to overcome male shyness:

• First, many men are shy of women. To overcome this fear, it is necessary to imagine a communication situation and rehearse it with the help of inanimate object or toys.
• Second, you need to develop your communication skills, this can be achieved by expanding your vocabulary and gradually using it in practice.
• Third, to stop being afraid love relationship with a girl, for a start, just make friends with her, and during communication, fear will dissipate itself.

How to overcome shyness - look at the video:

Every person who convinces himself that he cannot cope with his fears runs the risk of living a dull, gloomy and uninteresting life, and whoever makes a little effort, works on himself and decides to forget what self-doubt is, will find friends in return, a good work team and a bright future.

Remember how one day you walked into a room full of strangers and felt awkward and shy? Or remember that terrible pounding in your chest when you wanted to date someone, but were too shy to do so?

Or did you want to ask someone about the case, but again were embarrassed to do it? And that bad feeling in the lower abdomen in public places? Have you ever experienced a certain feeling that someone is always looking straight at your back?

Whether or not you are an introvert introvert- a person who focuses on his personal experiences, his inner world.) or an extrovert ( extrovert- a person who is guided in his expressions in external world, on others.), at some point in our lives, we can all be affected feeling shy. There is quite misconception that only introverts can experience shyness, but this is fundamentally wrong. Shyness for the most part refers to a feeling of awkwardness, inconvenience with oneself, and even more so among the people around.

This article is the result joint work extrovert Tina Su and introvert Amanda Linehan. Together we wanted to cast a ray of light on the subject of shyness from the perspective of these two extremes. We will also identify ways in which we ourselves, in most cases, overcome shyness.

The Three Components of Shyness. Excessive Awkwardness - You control yourself too much, especially in crowded places. Excessive Negative Self-Esteem - You tend to evaluate yourself negatively. Excessive Negative Self-Attention - You tend to pay excessive attention on those things that you do wrong, especially among others. Does it look like you? When you feel inner shyness, can you choose one or several of the above components for your mood? We 100% can.

Why Do We Experience Shyness?

We all experience shyness to one degree or another. But, the main reason can be brought down to one of the following: Weak Self-expression is especially true for our life in school years. We mistakenly believed that our personal unique qualities were not interesting to anyone, not needed, not cool enough, or not worthy of being admired. We tried to be like others, and this led to the fact that we did not feel ourselves. Amanda: Looking back, I didn't know about my personality at all. All I knew was that other people seemed to me more interesting, cooler people than me. I have tried unsuccessfully to imitate them.

Tina: I considered myself cool, as I was always quite liberated, cheeky. And I worked very hard to support and maintain that image. Of course, it was a false image, but I tried very hard to keep it. This made me very stressed and tired. Even though people around me didn't think I was shy, I felt embarrassed most time. It turns out that very lively children have a rather weak self-expression and they tend to imitate someone.

Self-admiration - if we are among the people around us, we become overly sensitive, as if we were put in the center of a circle of these people. This causes concern and forces us to question every next step we take. The focus of our attention is fixed directly on ourselves and even more so on what we are doing wrong. This can trigger a downward spiral.

Amanda: In addition to weak self-expression, I very often thought that I was doing almost everything wrong - wrong! And it was a vicious circle from which I could not get out. Now I understand that most people do not look at me as closely as I estimated myself. Tina: I was also overly sensitive about my actions around the people around me. My feelings were manifested in the way I spoke, laughed, walked, and so on. All my attention was focused on how not to screw up in front of others, and this annoyed me quite a lot. What I understand now is that all people are so preoccupied with their personal shortcomings that they hardly notice yours. Labeling - When we claim to be shy people, we psychologically feel compelled to live up to it. We can say to ourselves: “I am a shy person and this is true. Yes, I really am, and you can’t hide it. ” When we are our affirmation "stick label" on something, then the definition of this thing is taken for granted by us, and therefore it coincides with our expectations.

Amanda: Everyone knew me as a quiet and shy person, and this perception of her sometimes bothered me a lot. People expected me to behave in a certain way, which I actually did. And knowing that people around me thought I was shy, on top of my not wanting to be shy, only made me more anxious when I was around people. I really wanted to show a different side of myself, but it was easier to agree with what the others expected of me.

Tina: Deep down, I felt uncomfortable with my own shyness quite often, and yet, when I was around people, I had to live up to their expectations that I was not shy at all. I never let my shy side show, but I do feel shy. At such moments, I caught myself saying to myself: "I'm shy".

How to Overcome Shyness?

We both tried different variants fight shyness. With a better understanding of the problem and with the help of practical exercises we both got over it. Here are some tips that have helped us a lot.

1. Try to understand your shyness - be aware of your individual reason the emergence of shyness, and how it manifests itself in your life. Understand what situations cause this feeling? And what exactly is this condition connected with?

2. Turn Self-Consciousness into Self-Understanding - recognize the fact that the whole world is not looking at you. In addition, most people are very busy with themselves. Instead of evaluating yourself as if you are all other people, take your understanding inside yourself. Look for something in yourself that makes you shy and become an outsider. own thoughts. Understanding yourself is the first and most important step to any change or improvement in life.

3. Find yours strengths- each of us has our own unique and inimitable qualities and different ways self-expression. The main thing is to know and fully accept the things in which we excel, even if they deviate from the norm. If all people were the same, the world would be a very, very boring place. Find something you know how to do and love to do and focus on that. Conscious strength will increase your natural self-respect and your ego, helping you to better define yourself. This is a short-term measure, but it will give you confidence that you will be able to destroy the barrier of fear you have erected.

See how your unique and unique strength gives you a great advantage. For example, Amanda - usually quiet person who prefers to spend time alone. She realized that she is a better listener and sees things that others do not notice during a conversation. She also found that being alone gave her a better understanding of herself.

4. Learn to like yourself - train yourself to appreciate yourself and love your individual unique look, who you are in reality. Write love letter for himself. Do what pleases you. By this you express gratitude to yourself for your body and its work. Take the time to get to know yourself. Keep getting to know yourself.

5. Never imitate anyone - trying to look like "as everybody" very tiring and not particularly interesting. Understand that it's great to be different. Almost everyone feels insecure, uncomfortable and embarrassed. Admit that you are not considered one of the most popular high society celebrities, but you may not want this. Ultimately, popularity will not make you happy. But a great understanding of your unique, inimitable qualities will help you feel much freer.

6. Pay more attention to other people - Instead of focusing on your awkwardness in places where there are a lot of people, more attention pay attention to them and what they say. Be interested in the people around you and remember what they say about themselves first. During the conversation, you can ask yourself the question: What do I like about this person?

Another effective and powerful technique- a simple muscle exercise meditation. Lie down or sit down. Feel every cell of your body, every part, starting from the toes and moving up the body right to the top of the head. In every part of your body that this moment is in the spotlight, tense your muscles for 5-6 seconds, and then relax them. Keep doing this until you reach the top of your head. Don't forget about proper breathing.

9. - imagine yourself as happy and confident person. In some situations, it helps shape your perception of yourself when you are actually in those situations. Close your eyes, sit somewhere and relax, turn on relaxing music, imagine yourself in right place or in the right situation and see yourself the way you would like to see yourself. What do you feel? What do you hear? Do you smell any? How are you moving? What do you see? Remember all your fictional feelings, sensations, so that later you can make them real.

10. Confirmation of what has been said () - any word can carry powerful energy. What we repeatedly say to ourselves is subconsciously deposited and ingrained in us, and then acts accordingly. If we tell ourselves many times that we are too shy to do anything, then each time we will be more and more convinced of this. And that this "fact" support, our actions will always be in line with what we tell ourselves. In the same way, if we tell ourselves many times that we can be an interesting and confident person, then our powerful subconscious mind will make decisions corresponding to this new "fact". Since we are not capable of deceiving ourselves, positive visualization and affirmations will be helpful in personal improvement.

11. Pay attention to your shyness - if we do not change the situations in which we feel constrained, then this only reinforces our shyness in us. Instead, it would be better to understand the current situation. Turn awkward situation an occasion for personal growth and introspection. Become an outside observer and carefully understand yourself, answer yourself the following questions: “Why do I feel this way? What made me feel this? Are there any other explanations for what happened?

12. Be prepared to be rejected - accept that any of us can be denied something. Learn to deal with it and not take it too personally. Once and for all, remember that you are not the only one and that this happens to absolutely everyone. This is one part of life. What matters is how you deal with rejection. Here's what really helps to be mentally prepared before they happen:

You shouldn't take it personally. This is not your mistake. This is just an unfortunate set of circumstances. It just so happened that the development of events did not take place in your favor, and nothing more.

Extract valuable lessons What did you understand from what happened? Useful valuable information can be found in absolutely any situation. And thanks to these lessons, awareness of life comes to you - to become much better, to become much stronger. Nothing is lost yet if you learn an invaluable lesson from this.

Move forward. Recognize that if you feel sorry for yourself, you can't get anywhere. Nothing changes from your self-pity. When you admit this, it immediately becomes clear that all your energy is being wasted. Gather up, discard everything unnecessary and move on to the next goal. Try, try, try. This will definitely work!

13. Do not fall into perfectionism - when we begin to evaluate ourselves, we have such a harmful tendency to compare ourselves with the most popular person in the room, or worse than that- with celebrities we see on TV. We set excessive expectations for ourselves, unreasonably comparing ourselves with people who are completely different from us, and we are surprised - "Why can't I become like him/her?" We carry our own cultivation with us and expect that we are bound to get exactly the same results. And if we can’t fit into the desired framework, then we immediately get upset. As you can see, all the problems lie in our position, the point of view that we ourselves have created in our heads, but which does not correspond to reality. Refuse this wonderful picture, form an image that will become the essence of you; and let that image develop naturally.

14. Stop labeling yourself - stop telling yourself that you are a shy person. You are you. You are unique, unique and unrepeatable. And you are wonderful. Can you not continue further?

15. Practice Social Skills - Like all other skills, a social skill can only be developed through practice and experience. The more you put yourself in certain situations, the easier it will be next time. If you find it difficult to say what to say, you can think of what to say in advance.

16. Practice on uncomfortable situations - sometimes, this is not a social skill in which we feel uncomfortable and awkward, but rather a deficit in ourselves, in our strengths. Lack of faith that we are capable of succeeding and strong fear that we will fail. Special placement of yourself in an awkward situation will help you reduce your fear of similar situations. Moreover, if you test yourself and force yourself to endure, you will understand that, in the end, it is not so bad. In the beginning, it will most likely be difficult for you, but later you will find that you can enjoy and enjoy life.

17. Three questions to yourself - in those moments when you may feel nervous, periodically ask yourself the following three questions. By doing this, you will distract yourself from more destructive thoughts. Repeat them like a spell:
Am I moving with grace?
Am I relaxed?
I breathe?

18. What is convenient for you? - going to clubs and bars is not for everyone, and this is very good. Understand what feelings, emotions are comfortable for you, and find people or communities that make you feel better. You don't have to do what "everyone does". In addition, these people are not always happy, as it seems to you.

19. Focus on the moment - focusing on what you are doing, no matter what you are doing, will take your attention away from yourself. When you communicate, forget about how you look, concentrate on the words, bathe in them, drown in them. Intonation. Expression. Rate it and it will help you.

20. Find and write down all your successes - as you overcome one of the worst complexes, which is called shyness, you will have many victories. You will get a clear understanding of the truth regardless of the opinions of others. You will look at yourself differently and become more confident in yourself. Once these positive changes begin to appear, keep a pen and paper handy to write them down. Keeping a diary of your progress will increase self-esteem and self-confidence.

how to stop being shy

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Hello to everyone who is afraid to call, meet new people, dance in the crowd, return goods to the store, ask the minibus driver to stop at the place you need, etc. Does every step in society that you have to take lead to the fact that you step over yourself? Stiffness kills dreams, hinders normal life a person affects behavior in society, so you must understand how to overcome shyness and self-doubt.

Where does

It's all about self-criticism. Shy people are unusually dependent on others, they have low self-esteem, there is uncertainty and even dissatisfaction in life. A shy person is ready to limit himself to standard work in which he will not catch the eye of others.

He will be ready to remove all friends from his life, if only to experience less stress of communication. He is completely lost in simple everyday situations, such as phone calls or communication with sales assistants.

Each time the situation only gets worse, because every action that you fail to implement in communication is a small blow to your self-esteem, a step towards even greater isolation. You can no longer understand how to get rid of shyness and tightness. The inner Samoyed that lives in a shy person completely destroys your self-confidence. In such a state, overcoming oneself is practically a feat.

If you want to get out of the state of shyness, you need to take a whole lot of steps. When you start to overcome yourself, decide how to deal with shyness, at least just think through your actions, it becomes easier for you. Time after time, without steps back, you will move towards a free existence in which excessive modesty can be discarded. Indeed, in our case, it is really superfluous, simply because it interferes with life!

Exercises

Let's look at the advice of a psychologist on how to overcome shyness, modesty and self-doubt. After each exercise, especially if it was really difficult, you need to reward yourself with a sweet, going to a beauty salon, in the evening with your favorite book, a warm bath or new purchases. Everyone will choose something for themselves.

Exercise 1. Smile during the day 20 strangers on the street, looking into their eyes and not hiding from them. It may be quite difficult at first, but such an exercise will help you gradually integrate into society. You will show yourself that the world around you is not trying to offend you, it is quite positive and is also ready to share warmth.

If this is difficult, start by smiling at yourself in the mirror, open smile for friends and relatives. Such a seemingly simple action qualitatively changes people's lives, helps to relieve tension and insecurity, so you should always start your day and business with a smile!

Exercise 2. During the day, several times ask people on the street what time it is. Don't choose the right people for you, try to reach as far as possible more categories: and grandmothers, and schoolchildren, and young girls, and men. Ask 15 times until you feel confident. If the task is well performed, you can complicate it. In this case, the person should try to ask again, as if he did not hear the answer. This helps to understand that people will not refuse such simple help, they adequately relate to questions, they are positive towards you. Yes, even if a passer-by refuses, there is nothing terrible or stupid in this.

If the exercise is difficult or you do not understand how to get rid of shyness at this moment, try to imagine the situation well: from the second when you approach the person to the moment when you say goodbye. A positive study of the situation, which will tell you how to overcome shyness in this situation, will lead to an excellent result!

Exercise 3 Try to “turn out” something in your image, for example, clothes. Go to a standard meeting wearing an inside-out sweater and see if the people you know notice the change. This will help you realize that people are not so picky about your appearance as far as you think. They may not even notice the flaw right away.

Appearance will not destroy your relationship, it really is not the worst thing that can happen in your life. You are more important than your clothes or your image. It is necessary to separate opinions about you and your essence. If you find it difficult, start with some inconspicuous wardrobe item, such as different socks on your feet or an inside-out T-shirt.

You will begin to understand that any flaw is easy to fix, for example, change into a sweater. There is nothing wrong with this. And you won't look stupid!

Exercise 4 Direct your feet to the hairdresser and ask the master to offer you new look. Ask as much as possible more questions, offer your ideas and, most importantly, do not be afraid to refuse the service under the pretext that you need to think. Go around several salons to work out such a situation to automatism. You need to speak clearly, loudly, confidently. To consolidate the result, go around 5-6 salons. And as a reward, you can get a haircut where you really liked it!

This approach helps to increase their importance in front of you. You will understand that you deserve attention, self-care and being listened to. You have the right to refuse the service and decide what is best for you. If you find it difficult, start with salons that are far from home.

Exercise 5 Buy an item in a store and then return it. You can actually do it legally! And you need to pick up the hardness in your voice to get rid of the thing that you changed your mind about wearing. The seller will persuade you to keep the thing for yourself, but stand your ground and be sure! Walk around 4-5 stores to deal with your stiffness.

If it's difficult for you, take your mother, girlfriend or friend with you. Then the seller certainly will not be rude to you. Only now it is you who needs to speak, do not shift it to another, because you are looking for the answer to the question of how to get rid of shyness. You will have nothing to be afraid of, which means that you will be able to overcome a difficult everyday situation for many shy people.

How does the life of people who overcome stiffness change?

• Gen. As we have seen, there are quite a few simple everyday situations in which a shy person feels insecure. Starting from a call to the clinic reception (postponing a trip to the doctor can affect your health), ending with the inability to ask for directions (getting lost and looking for a way in an unfamiliar place is not the best choice for leisure!). Saying goodbye to such difficulties, deciding how to overcome shyness means really changing the quality of life!
• Relations. Problems with shyness in relationships are, of course, central. The inability not only to tell a pretty person that you like him, but also in principle to communicate with him is bitter! We must start taking steps, we must start warm relationship need to look for friends. If only because friends, relatives and loved ones are the basis of our life. And shyness destroys this foundation. A person who has overcome himself, who has realized how to get rid of shyness, will be able to build new relationships, will be able to say if something does not suit him, will be able to plan a life together.
• Dreams. Shyness is insecurity, and insecurity is self-loathing. A person who considers himself unworthy of various benefits, who has not decided how to deal with shyness, can he afford to dream? Of course not. Your childhood dreams are blown away by social failure. You gradually convince yourself that you will not succeed, but your stiffness does not allow you to emerge back onto the path of success. Maybe you sing beautifully, but… stage fright. You play volleyball cool, but you are afraid to approach the playing company ... You put poetry together perfectly, but they do not leave your table. Letting go means letting go of your dreams. A person free from shyness achieves more. Because his horizons are expanding, and he really can do anything!
• Career. Career, akin to dreams, of course, goes up. You stop enjoying the little office that no one comes into, where you do things that others don't notice. You want to realize yourself. You want to emerge from behind the office fence and start doing what is really meant for you in life. Write. Take pictures. Maybe even manage people.

This is the difference, “to have or not to have” is up to you. Remember that every day you are moving either towards total modesty that destroys your life, or towards a happy open existence.

Often we judge people who are unable to feel embarrassed in any situation. To us, they seem vulgar, overly liberated, and in some ways even arrogant. But on the other hand, you can have fun and interesting time with them, and such people always achieve success in life, since they are not afraid of difficulties.

A shy person is perceived by us as boring, withdrawn and uninteresting. And, unfortunately, in the soul of such people accumulates a mass negative emotions because they want to, but they can't. I will tell you how to overcome shyness, and I am sure that together we will cope with this problem.

In my time excessive shyness was also mine. And in many situations, she gave me a feeling of discomfort, because new companies caused some spiritual fear, and communication with people was constrained and somehow ridiculous. Despite this, I had friends, but with whom I wanted to communicate - they considered me unsuitable for their circle. Periodically there was envy of more successful people I wanted to be in their place.

The most offensive was that in my soul I was liberated, I knew what I could talk about with people in order to please them, I could take the initiative to lead the people. But some invisible barrier interfered, which in literally the words kept me quiet.

I seriously thought about it, and said to myself that all this does not suit me. I do not want to be ashamed of people all my life, as this is a direct path to misfortune. I don't want to follow their backs, I want to get ahead. I have to change and I will!

The first step is the most terrible, because having embarked on the path of combating shyness, at first thoughts arise that nothing good will come of it, and the distant goal seems completely unattainable. But to make it easier for you to move towards the landmark, let's make a plan that will clearly demonstrate at what stage of the path we are at the moment:

• the realization that other people are no different from you;
• the perception of failures is not the end of the world, but life's trials;
• facing what you fear.

First of all, you need to realize that the people around you are absolutely no different from you. And if they are confident, they are considered interesting personalities, they can easily find a common language with anyone, then why are you worse? Stop fading behind them! You, too, can become the soul of the company, you can, you can lead the people.

Do not forget that even the most influential and respected people are just like you, they also need rest, food, sleep, they also have their own dreams and desires, and they also faced troubles in their lives.

Sometimes we perceive failure as the end of the world. It seems to us that people secretly mock us and condemn us for committed mistakes. In fact, you are exaggerating too much. And even if there was some kind of ridiculous situation, because of which you were subjected to offensive jokes from colleagues or acquaintances, then, according to at least she is in the past. Over time, no one will remember your failure, so it makes no sense for you to focus on this. Imagine it was just life test which you have overcome with dignity.

You know, when I was in the camp in adolescence, I was sent to a competition where there were many tasks, and all of them had to be completed on stage before huge amount guys. I was embarrassed at the first stage. It was necessary to read the poem, but being confused, I could remember only the first line, and then there was deathly silence. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know how to get rid of this microphone and I just ran off the stage.

I was ashamed, but I tried not to make a tragedy out of this failure, gathered my thoughts, and coped with the next stages of the competition perfectly. Of course, jokes were periodically poured into my address about my performance, it was unpleasant, but I showed with all my appearance that this situation did not hurt me, and even joked at myself in response. And everyone who tried to offend me with this fell behind, because they did not receive the reaction that they expected ...

And finally, the last step in how to overcome shyness is to face your fears face to face. Force yourself to take the initiative in communicating with people, express your point of view on a particular issue, show dissatisfaction if something does not suit you.

And, by the way, during a conversation, always look the interlocutor in the eyes, this will give you additional self-confidence. After all, a lowered look indicates that a person is shy. Of course, you will not be comfortable at first, but each time the shyness will disappear until it ceases to be a problem for you at all.

Xenia, Petrozavodsk

Psychologist's comment:

Shyness (shyness, timidity) is a personality trait that gives its owner such characteristics as indecision, fearfulness, tension, stiffness and awkwardness when interacting with other people.

An important step not taken on time, a good idea not expressed, a frank conversation with a significant person that did not take place - these are just a small part of those events in our personal lives that often have shyness behind them.

A shy person does not allow himself spontaneity in his words or actions, instead he is forced to carefully control himself when communicating with others. In the words of the author of the article, he seems to be hindered by an invisible barrier - an irrational fear of presenting himself, so as not to seem ridiculous, inappropriate, to fail.

What is the reason for this behaviour? What happens in inner world shy person? According to American psychologist Philip Zimbardo, who owns the most fundamental research this topic, shyness is due to the recognition of a person own inferiority and constant anxiety about their actions.

A shy person has inadequate self-esteem, presents itself too high requirements, his image of "I am real" has a strong gap with the image of "I am ideal". At the same time, the image of the “I” of another person is seen as critical / rejecting, therefore, contact with him is perceived as potentially dangerous, threatening an already fragile self-esteem and self-esteem.

A colossal amount of mental strength of such a person is spent on masking and leveling this distance between a realistic and standard image of oneself in the eyes of others. Shyness makes a person too preoccupied with himself and the impression he makes on others.

Most shy people learn to avoid situations in which they may feel embarrassed, and thus more and more separate themselves from others, focusing on their shortcomings.

How is shyness formed?

According to most experts dealing with this problem, the foundation of shyness, of course, is laid in childhood. The reason for its appearance is the excessive demands of parents (educators, teachers, social environment) presented to a child/adolescent.

At the same time, the requirements can be voiced, and can only be “read between the lines”. As a result, the child develops a distorted idea of ​​himself and of interaction with other people. Instead of natural pride, self-respect and confidence in own forces and abilities, he experiences a painful feeling that something is wrong with him, he is not like everyone else.

Instead of feeling joy and pleasure from communicating with emotionally important people, he experiences anxiety, anxiety and fear of being misunderstood, rejected. Later, this "outer critic" moves into the inner world of a person and fills him with critical comments about everything he tries to do or say.

Speaking in metaphorical language, it is as if two psychological type- "prisoner" and "guard", one of which desperately rushes to freedom, and the second monitors compliance with the conditions of imprisonment.

Such people, even if they want to do something and know how it can be done, still do not dare to act. They are held back by the voice of the inner warden. And the inner prisoner decides to give up worries free life and submits with meekness.

How to overcome shyness? Is there a way out of this prison?

Since shyness is emotionally experienced as a very painful and difficult to bear condition, a person tries in every possible way to get rid of it, to remove himself from the source of tension.

by the most effective way overcoming shyness is, in my opinion, a correction of self-esteem towards greater self-acceptance, the transformation of the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhis “real self” as good enough, worthy of love and respect.

The task is not the easiest, but quite doable. For its implementation, perhaps someone will need the help of specialists, and someone, like the author, decides to cope with exciting problem on one's own. In any case, the right vector on this path is to notice your strengths more, and not focus on your shortcomings.

Think about it, is there too much criticism in your inner world about everything that you do? Are your accusations against yourself justified? Maybe you should listen to the voice of the inner lawyer? Is he even there? What arguments does he give to support your personality?

As for the process of interaction with people around you, when making contact, it is important to remember that it is unlikely that all of them are pursuing the goal of comparing you with a certain standard that exists in their minds and convicting you of inconsistency with it. Moreover, we must understand that shyness to one degree or another is characteristic of each of us.

Let it simple truth serves as an inspiration to you on the way to recognizing the right to present your own uniqueness, to accept your undoubted merits and the value of your life.

Psychologist-consultant Anna Orlyanskaya