Worrying about the death of loved ones. Psychological help

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Four steps to help you deal with loss.

“When parents lose a son or daughter who has not yet reached the age of blooming youth, or loving spouse loses her wife, or a wife - a husband in the prime of life, all the philosophies and religions in the world, whether they promise immortality or not, cannot eliminate the impact of this cruel tragedy on loved ones ... "

Lamont Corliss

It is difficult to disagree with the thought of the philosopher expressed in the epigraph that nothing will eliminate the heavy impact of such a tragedy as the loss loved one. But a person who is going through such a strong shock can be helped.

Psychologist J. William Vorden identified four main tasks that a mourner must complete in order to return to a fulfilling life:

admit loss
Experience the pain of loss
Reorganize life and environment
Build a new relationship with the deceased and continue to live

In contrast to the stages of grief that have been identified before, the formulation of these tasks emphasizes the active and responsible, rather than the passive and helpless role of the mourner. Grief is not something that happens to us by itself, changing its phases. We are accustomed to treating negative feelings as unnecessary ballast that needs to be disposed of as soon as possible. Experiencing the pain of loss is a necessary part of the journey that leads to acceptance. And this is first of all inner work most grieving.

This does not mean that the mourner should cope with the loss, relying solely on his own strength. The presence of people who are ready to support the grieving and share his grief, as well as his help to others in their grief, greatly softens the experience of loss.

1. Admit the loss

How do you come to terms with the death of a loved one? To cope with a loss, you need to acknowledge that it happened. At first, a person automatically tries to establish contact with the deceased - “sees” him among the people in the crowd, mechanically tries to get through to him, buys his favorite products in the supermarket ...

In the usual scenario, this behavior is naturally replaced by actions that deny a far-fetched connection with the deceased. A person who performs actions similar to those noted above normally stops and thinks: “Why am I doing this, because he (she) is no more.”

For all the seeming oddness, this behavior is normal in the first weeks after the loss. If the irrational hope for the return of the deceased becomes stable, this is a sign that the person himself cannot cope with grief.

Give yourself time to come to terms with the loss.

2. Experience the pain of loss

How to accept the death of a loved one? It is necessary to go through difficult feelings in order not to carry this burden through life. If you do not immediately experience the pain, then returning to these experiences will be more difficult and painful. Delayed experience is further complicated by the fact that later it will be more difficult for the grieving person to receive the sympathy and support of others, which he can count on immediately after the loss.

Sometimes, despite all the unbearable pain and suffering, the mourner clings to them (more often unconsciously), as for the last connection with the deceased and the opportunity to express his love to him. The following distorting logic works here: to stop suffering means to reconcile, to reconcile means to forget, to forget means to betray. Such an irrational understanding of love for the deceased does not allow one to accept the loss.

The performance of this task is often hampered by the reactions of other people. When faced with negative feelings and severe pain those around you who are grieving may experience tension, which they try to reduce by providing not always correct assistance:

switch attention (“get together, think about the children”, “you must take care of your mother”)
they try to immediately occupy the grieving with something in order to distract them from their worries
they forbid talking about the deceased ("do not disturb him, he is already in heaven")
devalue the uniqueness of what happened (“we will all be there”, “you are not the first and you are not the last”)

Allow yourself to feel pain and loss, let your tears flow. Avoid people who interfere with your experience of loss.

3. Reorganize life and environment

Together with a loved one, a person loses a certain way of life. The deceased took on duties, helped in everyday life, expected certain behavior from U.S. Life needs to be rebuilt to fill the void. For this, it is important for the grieving person to learn to do what the deceased did for him, to receive this help from others, and possibly continue his work, if he likes it.

How do you deal with the death of a loved one if you were intimately connected? If the deceased did all the housework, select best option- Hire a person for cleaning or learn the simplest actions yourself. If you have lost your spouse and mother of your children, take over the organization of a comfortable family life, ask relatives to help or hire a nanny. In the same way, mothers, in the event of the loss of a spouse, can, for example, learn to drive and take the place of their husband behind the wheel in order to take their children to school and classes.

It may sound cynical, but sometimes there are upsides to losing a loved one. For example, a girl dependent on her mother said, “My mother died, and I began to live. She did not allow me to become an adult, and now I can build a life as I want. I like it". An adult man finally began to manage his life. Agree that not all "adults" can boast of this.

It is good if the freed time is occupied by what satisfies genuine needs grieving, fills his life with joy and meaning. It can be new or forgotten hobbies, communication with loved ones or friends who have moved away due to the loss, searching for oneself and one's place in a new life.

It is important to rebuild your life and your life in such a way as to minimize the feeling of emptiness that has arisen.

4. Build a new relationship with the deceased and continue to live

A new attitude towards the deceased does not imply his oblivion, it defines a place for him, taking which he will leave enough space for others. This is reflected in an illustration of William Vorden's thought, describing a letter from a girl who lost her father to her mother from college: “There are other people to love. It doesn't mean that I love my father less."

Old relationships can be very valuable, but they should not interfere with new ones. How to help survive the death of a loved one: build a new relationship - a person must realize that the death of a loved one does not contradict love for another man or woman, that you can honor the memory of a friend, but at the same time make friends with new people.

Separately, it is worth stipulating the death of a child. Often, parents are in a hurry with the decision to give birth to a new child, not having time to fully survive and accept the loss of the former. Similar solution it is not so much a movement towards a new life as a denial of the irreversibility of the loss of the old (unresolved first problem). They unconsciously want to give birth to a dead child again, to return everything as it was. But only having experienced the loss completely, mourning the deceased and leveling his emotional attitude to his death, it is worth thinking about a new child. Otherwise, the parents will not be able to build a genuine relationship with him and will unconsciously try on him the idealized image of the deceased. It is clear that this comparison will not be in favor of the living.

Surviving a loss does not mean forgetting the deceased.

When to ask for help

If you get stuck on any of the tasks described, if you cannot come to terms with the loss and learn new experience, the work of grief can acquire a pathological character. It is necessary to distinguish normal work grieving from manifestations of clinical depression, which requires medical intervention and psychological help (on average, one in five grieving people are affected by it). Among the symptoms of serious depression, when help is needed, it is customary to single out:

incessant thoughts about the hopelessness of the current situation, despair
obsessive thoughts about suicide or death
denial or misrepresentation of the fact of loss
uncontrollable or excessive crying
inhibited physical reactions and answers
extreme weight loss
persistent inability to perform basic household tasks

Soreness of symptoms is determined not so much by their content, but by duration, severity and consequences: how much they interfere with a person's life and contribute to the development of concomitant diseases. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult for a non-specialist to distinguish the normal course of grief from its pathological form. If you have any doubts, do not postpone a visit to a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Remember

Coping with loss takes time.
Allow yourself to feel pain and loss, don't try to suppress it. Let your tears flow. Try to be aware of all your feelings and thoughts and share them with those who sympathize with you.
It is important to rebuild your life and your life in such a way as to minimize the feeling of emptiness that has arisen.
Accepting a loss and creating a new relationship is not betrayal. But the refusal to continue to live and love, on the contrary, can be regarded as a betrayal of oneself, which would hardly have been supported by a deceased loved one.
Only the full experience of the loss of a child can create fertile ground for the birth of a new one.
You are able to move on. Even if you don't agree with it now, you are still capable. You will not remain the same, but you can continue to live and even be happy.
If you feel that own forces and the support of others is not enough, do not put off a visit to a specialist.

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Dies daily great amount of people. From diseases, from old age, from an incorrect diagnosis and incorrect treatment, from childbirth, from an accident (air crash, traffic accident, and so on), through stupidity and negligence. There are a lot of factors. We listen to reports on the radio, watch the news and do not think about how many people a minute ago were breathing and smiling ... Until it touches us personally.

The death of a loved one is a terrible grief, which many cannot survive for years. In this article, we will try to figure out what happens to living relatives and loved ones left on earth, and how to survive the loss of a loved one.

When a person dies, it doesn’t matter to him anymore: a long-term ill person receives his relief from physical suffering, old man completes his life path. With this, we are ready to somehow reconcile and reassure ourselves. But if a young person or a child who still lives and lives dies, we are not ready to let him go. During this period, we begin to go through the 7 stages of grief. folk wisdom reads: “Woe is too wide to go around, too high to jump over, and too deep to crawl under; you can only go through the mountain ... "

Consider all 7 stages. They are familiar to those who have already experienced the death of a relative. And you have to go through them one way or another. Perhaps not in the sequence that is presented below, perhaps some periods will remain with a person for long years. But this, without which the psyche simply can not cope.

Stages of grief and sadness after the death of a loved one

Negation

It happens at the very beginning with absolutely everyone. “This can't be! This is some bullshit! It shouldn’t be like this!” – the person does not believe in this sudden death, does not want to accept. During this period, either complete stupor and stupor can happen, or vice versa - activity. The relative has not yet realized what is happening, is not ready to accept reality. And this reaction is a kind of self-defense. As a rule, this period does not last long.

Resentment and anger

Happens to almost everyone. Feeling of unfairness. Understanding that we, humans, are absolutely powerless and cannot go against nature in any way. And you will not do anything now, because no one can resurrect the dead. And if you can then go to a pet store and take a kitten, then shops with grandmothers, friends, and so on simply do not exist. This is absurd.

Guilt

Terrible stage. A person begins to engage in self-digging, analysis of relations with the deceased. Perhaps somewhere he was rude or wrong, somewhere he could more attention give. Or maybe he could help and did not help.

Depression

I would like to note that most often unbelievers are subject to this stage. A believing person is ready to give everything into the hands of the Creator, to come to terms with what happened. After all, Heaven takes a person to the very right time. First of all, for this person. A believing person will not think about himself and how hard it is for him now here on earth - he will think about the soul of the deceased. To make her feel good. And will make every effort to do so. A believer is sure that there is life after death, and we will all meet later.

An unbeliever can become depressed, be in constant sadness and grief, cry, scratch walls, scream, withdraw into himself, even become addicted to alcohol. It's lingering and a long period from which it is difficult to get out, but real. The main thing is to have the support of loved ones nearby.

Awareness and acceptance

No matter how difficult it is to survive the loss, but time heals. Not immediately, of course, but the realization comes that a loved one can no longer be returned. Gradually, the rage against all living things also passes, more often, of course, it comes from impotence. The depression is also gone. The mourning dress is removed. And there are the first attempts to look at the world through the eyes without tears.

rebirth

It is difficult, painful, difficult to live without a mother, father, husband, child or grandmother. But probably. And most importantly - it is necessary. After all, the life of a person left on earth continues. She will be different, but she will be. And you need to learn how to live. Most often at this stage, a person learns to live in a new way, thinks a lot, is more silent. In other words, he gathers strength, opens himself to the world, and does not exist with base needs.

New life

This is the last period. When a person has gone through all the stages discussed above, he is ready for a new life. Not everyone will be able to live with constant reminders of the past, so many change jobs, make repairs in the apartment, remove things that remind of a deceased relative, even change their place of residence. This is necessary in order not to fall into despondency and depression again and again.

How to deal with the grief of losing a loved one

Don't be alone

The most important thing is not to withdraw into yourself and try not to alienate others. You don't have to wallow in your grief. Don't give up support. Let those people be next to you who will understand when it is worth moving away, and when it is simply necessary to be there and call you by name, pulling you out of apathy and stupor.

Contact a specialist

If it is impossible to cope with emotions, you feel that depression has dragged on, you see a deceased loved one in the faces of passers-by, you hear his voice and wait for a call to mobile phone, and this condition is driving you crazy - consult a specialist. Whether it is a psychologist or a priest (depending on religion).

Don't keep pain inside

You need to cry - cry, you need to scream - scream. Try to find a way out of emotions in creativity. Painting, versification, writing music. All this distracts and helps to cope with a heavy burden on the heart. If you have something to say to your deceased relative, write him a letter. One of psychological tricks. After writing the letter, you will have the feeling that you have communicated with a loved one. It will get easier.

Speak

Communicate with friends, relatives and loved ones about the deceased. If they are ready to listen to you, of course. Share grief with someone. After all, shared grief is already half a grief.

Do not rush

Don't set boundaries for yourself. Suffering will not go away on the fortieth day. It's impossible. The pain may dull, but it will still remind of itself. In case of loss of a loved one, sadness - normal phenomenon, do not reproach yourself, if suddenly a lump came up to the throat, and tears poured by themselves.

Do not seek solace in bad habits

Neither alcohol nor smoking of various mixtures will help. Only health will be shaken. Think about your relatives. It's hard for them too. Better to help them. Try to save yourself.

Don't be selfish

Either way, the person is no more. Basically, we get depressed because it's bad for us here. There are people nearby who need specifically your participation. If you feel that you have not given the deceased attention, love, warmth, you can always help those in need. You need to realize that you can really help your loved one only with good remembrance and prayer (applies to believers). You are now needed by living people.

Don't be afraid to forget

If, after some time, you began to laugh, remembering a deceased loved one, do not be afraid of this. After all, he lived with you and there were many cheerful and kind moments. It's good that the memories of him make you smile. Gradually accepting the loss and creating a new life without it is not betrayal. You just learned to live on. Healed. This is not only normal, but also correct.

Dead people are always with us, souls do not dissolve in the air. It is difficult to comprehend this thought, but it can keep afloat in difficult time. The body is just a temporary shell. It is hard to realize that you will no longer hear your beloved voice, you will not hug your native shoulders, but it is worth overcoming this feeling and helping the soul of the deceased. The body will no longer rise, but the soul needs. They say that when a dead person dreams, he asks for prayers. Even if you do not believe, go to the church, place a candle on a square candlestick near the large cross, submit a note, bring bread or cereal to the funeral table. You may not believe in all this mysticism, but suddenly. It will become easier for you to understand that even now, when a person is not there, you can help him.

The death of a person causes strong feelings in the souls of his relatives and friends. negative emotions and experiences, because of which life loses color for a long time. Many people do not know how to survive the death of a loved one, how to cope with mental pain, a sense of irreparable loss and overwhelming longing for the departed. The death of a loved one will always be unexpected, even if tragic event there were all the prerequisites, because we all tend to hope for the best to the last. That is why it is impossible to prepare for the death of relatives, and it does not matter whether a person died suddenly or as a result of a serious illness - the relatives of the deceased will have to fully experience grief and pain from the loss.

Despite the fact that for all people the loss of a loved one is grief, everyone experiences the death of a mother, child, spouse, relative or friend in their own way. not embarrassed by tears and sobs, introverts tend to hold back emotions, pragmatic people they will quickly come to terms with the death of a loved one and "let him go", and romantics can yearn for a departed loved one for decades. Yet there are several stages of grief that every bereaved person inevitably goes through. Knowing about the features of each of these stages will help you understand how to survive the death of a loved one and how to help your loved ones overcome the pain of loss.

How do people deal with grief

Psychologists distinguish 4 main stages of experiencing grief, through which every person who has suffered a loss or other terrible shock passes through in one way or another. The duration of these stages and the severity of emotions in each of them depends on the type of thinking and.

How to deal with the death of a loved one

Unfortunately, neither modern psychology, neither modern medicine has invented a method that is guaranteed to eliminate the pain of losing a loved one in a few minutes, and is it needed? They color our life in bright colours, and the pain of loss teaches us to appreciate even more what we have. Therefore, in order to survive the death of a loved one and return to former life, it is necessary to live through all the stages of grief without suppressing emotions and allowing yourself to grieve.

It is especially important to "correctly" survive the first two stages of grief, since the ability to fully cope with grief in the future depends on whether a person was able to accept what happened and throw out negative emotions. Therefore, upon learning of the death of a loved one, no need to try to hide from emotions and isolate yourself from loved ones who are also experiencing the grief of loss - the support of relatives means a lot for those who are experiencing the death of a child, mother of a friend or relative. In the first days after the incident, the relatives of the deceased should not give each other advice and urge "to restrain emotions and be strong", it is much more important to just be next to each other and share grief.

Also, psychologists advise against trying to reduce the pain of loss with strong sedatives and tranquilizers, especially in the first three stages of grief. These medical preparations do not eliminate, but only suppress emotions, therefore, after the expiration of the drug, all experiences will return again with full force. If you do not have enough strength to cope with pain on your own or with the help of loved ones, then it is best to contact a psychologist.

Practical tips for coping with the pain of losing a loved one

How to deal with the bereavement of a loved one? And are there ways to forget about the grief that happened and return to normal life? Many people ask this question because they want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But without valuable advice experienced psychologists is indispensable here.

It is unlikely that there will be a person on this planet who wants grief, troubles, problems to be present in his life. But, alas, fate does not bypass anyone and it has everything - joy, sadness, fun, and grief.

A person who has not survived a single black day in his life is a real lucky one. Of course, there are types for whom troubles, problems and the loss of loved ones are empty sound. But, fortunately, there are a small number of those among us. Most likely, they have, because otherwise their position is simply impossible to explain. Even the most terrible tyrants of the planet were afraid that something might happen to their loved ones and relatives. And if this happened, they suffered just as much as all ordinary people.

Experiencing a terrible moment, everyone behaves differently. Some suffer greatly, ready to take their own lives. The other endures the ups and downs of fate and tries to survive no matter what. The first is in dire need of psychological help. After all, it is not in vain that after the crash of planes, ships, large car accidents and other tragedies, experienced psychotherapists and psychologists come to relatives and friends of the missing, the dead.

Simply without them, a person does not know what to do with his grief. He is detached, only one thing sounds in his head: “How to live on?”, “This is the end of everything!” and other dramatic phrases. Specialists in human psychology may not always be around. Therefore, we invite our readers to study how a person experiences suffering and how he can be helped.

Symptoms of human grief

When someone leaves us and goes to another world, we mourn and mourn the loss. There is a feeling that it makes no sense to live on, or that something important, irreplaceable has gone without the presence of the dearly departed for us. Someone suffers for several days, other weeks, third months.

But there is a loss that is mourned for a lifetime. And the well-known saying “Time heals!” not always appropriate. How can a wound heal from the loss of a child, a loved one, a brother, a sister? It's impossible! It seems to tighten a little on top, but continues to bleed inside.

But grief also has its own peculiarities. It all depends on the type of character of a person, his psyche, the quality of relations with those who left this world. After all, we have repeatedly noticed strange phenomenon. A woman's child dies, and she runs around the markets, buys products in order to arrange a wake, goes to the cemetery, picks up a place, etc. It feels like this moment is the same as the others - when you had to organize an event. The only difference is that she is wearing a black headscarf and is sad.

But do not immediately accuse such women of "thick-skinned." Psychologists have a term "delayed, delayed grief." That is, some people it overtakes not immediately. To understand how human grief manifests itself, let's study its symptoms:

A sharp change in the state of the psyche - a person is absorbed in the image of the deceased. He moves away from others, feels himself in unreality, speed increases emotional reaction. In short, this is an alienated, poorly thinking and constantly thinking about the departed person.
physical problems. There is exhaustion of strength, it is difficult to get up, walk, breathe, the sufferer constantly sighs, he has no appetite.
Feeling guilty. When a loved one leaves, suffering after him, he constantly thinks about what he could have saved, did not do everything that was in his power, was inattentive to him, rude, etc. He constantly analyzes his actions and looks for confirmation that there was an opportunity to bypass death.
Hostility. When a loved one is lost, a person can become angry. He does not tolerate society, does not want to see anyone, answers questions rudely, impudently. He can even lash out at children who pester with questions. Of course, this is wrong, but it is not worth judging him. Therefore, it is important that at such moments relatives are nearby and help to cope with household chores and children.
Habitual behavior is changing. If a earlier man was calm, collected, then at the moment of difficulties he can start to fuss, do everything wrong, disorganized, talk a lot, or vice versa, constantly be silent.
Adopted manner. After the death of a long-sick person, his relatives, especially those who were at the bedside of the deceased, adopt his character traits, habits, movements, up to the symptoms.
With the loss of a person dear to the heart, everything changes. The colors of life, nature, the world from bright and colorful turn into gray, black tones. Psychological atmosphere, the space in which there is no deceased becomes small, insignificant. No one wants to hear or see. After all, no one around understands what really happened for the sufferer. Everyone tries to calm, distract, gives advice. There is simply not enough strength to fight everything.
Also, at the moment of suffering, the psychological time space is compressed. It is impossible to think about what will happen in the future. AT regular time we draw pictures in our minds that we expect from the future. And in such difficult moments, they simply do not arise, and if thoughts about the past come, then the one who was lost necessarily appears in them. As for the present time, the sufferer does not think about it - it simply does not make sense. Rather, it is a black moment, which you don’t want to remember. The only thing a person desires in moments of grief is “I would rather wake up from this nightmare. It feels like I'm having a terrible dream."

In cases where the loss of a spouse occurs, then the man left alone goes into his own world and he does not have the slightest desire to communicate with neighbors, friends, friends. In his heart, he believes that no one is able to understand what the power of loss is. Men are taught from childhood to be restrained, not to show their emotions. Therefore, he rushes about, cannot find a place for himself. Most often, in such situations, the stronger sex plunges headlong into work, and in such a way that there is no “trace” left of free time.

Women who have lost their husbands grieve and suffer. They have in literally a wet pillow, because there is no longer near the one whom she loved, with whom she shared both joy and sadness. She remains without support - how to continue to live, who will be my support. And if it is also a family with children, then a woman goes into a real panic - “the breadwinner left, how can I raise the children now? What to feed them? What to wear? Etc.

Stages of grief

When loss comes, we experience shock. Even if the deceased was ill for a long time, was very old, we still do not agree in our hearts with his departure. And this is explained very simply.

None of us still understands the nature of death. After all, each of us asked the question “Why are we born, if in any case we die? And why is death present if a person could continue to enjoy life? We are even more frightened by the fear of death - no one has ever returned from there and told us what death is, what a person feels at the moment of leaving for another world, what awaits him there.

So, initially we experience a shock, then, realizing that a person has died, we still cannot come to terms with it. But this does not mean that we are unable to do anything. We have already talked about the fact that some quite calmly organize a funeral, a commemoration. And from the side it seems that the person is very persistent and has strong will. In fact, he is in a state of stupor. There is confusion in his head and he does not know what is happening around and how to accept what has happened.

In psychology, there is a term "depersonalization". Some, in moments of loss, seem to renounce themselves and look at what is happening as if from the outside. A person does not feel his personality, and everything that happens around him does not concern him, and in general, all this is unreal.
Some people immediately cry and sob when grief sets in. This can last up to a week, but then they realize what really happened. This is where they come into play panic attacks with which it is difficult to cope - a psychologist is needed, the help of relatives.

As a rule, the acute feeling of loss, grief lasts from about five weeks to three months, and for some, as we already know, grief becomes a companion for their lives. As for the majority who experience grief for several months, they experience the following phenomena:

Longing, strong cravings and constant thoughts about the deceased, all this is accompanied by tears. Almost everyone who mourns the loss has dreams in which the dead person necessarily appears. In wakefulness, visual fragments often appear in thoughts in which the deceased says something, does something, laughs, jokes. Initially, the sufferer constantly cries, but over time, the suffering gradually disappears and calms down.

Faith in the non-existent. A frequent companion of moments of grief experience are illusions created by the sufferer himself. A window that suddenly opens, noise, a photo frame that has fallen due to a draft, and other phenomena are perceived as signs and it is often said that the deceased is walking, does not want to “leave”.

The whole reason is that most do not want to "let go" of the deceased and hope to keep in touch with him. The belief that the deceased is still nearby is so strong that auditory and visual hallucinations occur. It seems that the deceased said something, went into another room, and even turned on the stove. Often people begin to talk with the object of their suffering imagination, they ask something and it seems to them that the dead person answers them.

Depression. In almost half of those who have lost a loved one, dear to the heart and soul of a person, a common symptomatic triad occurs: mood is suppressed, sleep is disturbed, and tearfulness sets in. They can sometimes be joined by such symptoms as a sharp and severe weight loss, fatigue, a sense of anxiety, fear, indecision, the meaninglessness of being, a complete loss of interest, strong feeling own fault.

That is, all these are signs of a banal one, from which it will be quite difficult to get out yourself. The fact is that a depressive state can occur due to insufficient production of hormones of joy and pleasure. Bereavement can provoke such a condition, then depression occurs, which can be treated special methods and drugs.

Often, when a very dear and beloved person passes away, someone close may experience strong feelings of anxiety. Loss of the meaning of life and fear of living without the only one. A powerful sense of guilt, a desire to be closer to your beloved (lover) and other moments can lead to thoughts of suicide. Most often, the symptoms are indicative of widows. They suffer for a long time and for six months, their anxieties, fears, grief can triple.

There is a type of people who become very energetic after a bereavement. They are constantly “on their feet”, cooking, cleaning, driving, performing miscellaneous work. That is, one can say about them "cannot sit still." Some women, after the departure of their husband, can visit his grave every day and call him back. Look at the images, think and remember the old days.

This can last from several months to years. In the cemetery there is always one or more graves with fresh flowers every day. This suggests that the person continues to mourn the departed even after years.

Also, do not be surprised that after the death of a loved one, the sufferer becomes angry. This is especially true for parents who have lost their child. They blame the doctors for everything, get angry with God and claim that their child could have been saved. AT this case it is necessary to have patience and wisdom, and by about six months after the loss, people calm down and pull themselves together.

Reaction to loss - atypical symptoms

Strange, inappropriate types of reactions are more likely to occur with loss in women. Men are more persistent and reserved. No, this does not mean that they are not worried, they just keep everything “in themselves”. An atypical reaction occurs immediately:

torpor lasts about 15-20 days, and the general stage of suffering can last more than a year with a severe course;
pronounced alienation, a person cannot work and constantly thinks about suicide. There is no way to accept the loss and come to terms with it;
a powerful sense of guilt and incredible hostility to everyone around “sits” in a person. Hypochondria similar to that of the deceased may develop. With an atypical reaction, the risk of suicide within a year after the loss can increase two and a half times. It is especially necessary to be close to the suffering on the anniversary of death. There is also a high risk of death from somatic diseases within six months after the death of a person.

Atypical symptoms of grief also include a delayed reaction to a sad event. Complete denial that the person died, the imaginary absence of suffering and experiences.

An atypical reaction does not occur just like that and it is due to the characteristics of the human psyche and circumstances such as:

The death of a loved one came suddenly, because it was not expected.
The sufferer did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased in order to fully express his grief.
Relations with another person who had gone into the world were difficult, hostile, and sharp.
Death touched the child.
A suffering person has already endured severe loss, and most likely a sad event happened in childhood.
There is no support when there are no relatives nearby, who can lend a shoulder, distract a little and even help physically with organizing a funeral, etc.

How to survive grief

Immediately you need to decide - you or your loved one experienced grief, and if misfortune touched you, then evaluate your condition. Yes, demise dear person- this is the worst thing that can happen in this life, but you still need to live on, no matter how trite it may sound. "What for? What's the point?". This question is asked by those who have lost their own child, loved one, loved one. Here, most likely, the following moment will help.

We all believe in God. And even those who consider themselves an atheist still hope in their hearts that there is higher power, thanks to which life began on the planet. So, according to the Bible, (and it doesn’t teach anything bad, there are a lot of useful information), people go to heaven or hell. But even if he has many mortal sins, after his death, he goes through the stages of purification and still ends up in paradise as a result.

That is, everything suggests that death is not the end, but rather the beginning. Therefore, it is important to pull yourself together and live. Go to church, because the Lord does not wish bad for anyone. Pray, ask for help, ask for it sincerely - and you will be shocked by what begins to happen in your soul.

Don't be alone. So you will suffer much less. Chat with friends. It will be difficult at first, but over time everything will go back to normal. Communicating with those who have also experienced a loss is especially effective. You will be given helpful tips about what to do, how to behave, where to go, what to visit, read, watch, so that the pain gradually goes away. You will understand that all the moments that you had after the loss - a strong sense of guilt, a desire to part with life, hatred of others are inherent in other people, you are no exception.

Traditional Treatments

And now to practical advice. In the event that a person has a serious form of an atypical reaction, it is necessary to consult a specialist. This will require both cognitive behavioral therapy and medicines- sedatives, antidepressants, etc. Thanks to the sessions of a psychotherapist, the patient goes through the stages of his grief from beginning to end (no matter how difficult it may be). And, in the end, he realizes what happened and comes to terms with it.

Many of us do not want to get rid of the state of grief. Some believe that in this way they remain faithful to the departed, and if they begin to live, they will betray them. This is not true! On the contrary, remember how the one who went to another world treated you. Surely he would be pleased to look at your long suffering. One hundred percent, he (she) would want you to enjoy life and have fun. They simply did not forget about the dead and honored their memory, and if you have mental problems after the death of a loved one, then consult a doctor and recover from pain.

In our suffering, we show our selfishness most of all. And let's think - maybe there is a person next to us who suffers no less than yours, and maybe more. Look around, be close to those with whom you are obliged to share grief. So there will be more of you and it will become much easier to resist problems, bouts of pain, anger, sadness, anger.

For those who witnessed the grief of a person, certain steps also need to be taken, and not to contemplate suffering with indifference.

Help physically, because funerals, suffering take a lot of strength. Therefore, it is important to help a person put things in order in the house. Buy groceries, walk animals, chat with children, etc.
The sufferer should not be allowed to be alone, except in exceptional moments. Do all the things with him - let him be distracted.
Try to take him outside, communicate, but do not be too intrusive. The main thing for you to know is that everything is in order with him physically, but there is no need to talk about moral yet.
No need to force a person to restrain himself, if tears flow, let him cry.
If the sufferer becomes numb, give a light slap in the face. He needs to throw out the pain that quietly, silently destroys him from the inside. If this is not done, a powerful nervous breakdown. There were times when in this state a person simply went crazy.
Change the course of his mood, if he is constantly crying - shout at him, accuse him of what. Remember some nonsense because of which you held a grudge against him. If there are no such memories, invent them. And most importantly - arrange a tantrum, a scandal and partially switch the thoughts of the sufferer to your problems. Then calm down, apologize.
Talk to him about the one who died. A person needs to speak out, it will be easier for him if someone listens to his memories of the deceased.
Conversations on any topic should be interesting for you. So, from day to day, first short, then longer moments will arise, at which the sufferer will begin to forget about pain. In time, life will take its toll and grief will be endured.
When communicating, do not interrupt a friend, now it is important mental condition and not your difficulties and problems.
Do not take it into your head to be offended if your sad interlocutor suddenly becomes angry or does not want to communicate with you anymore. Here the fault is not in him, but in his wounded psyche. He (she) will have many more moments with sharp mood swings, sadness, longing and unwillingness to see anyone. Be patient and wait a bit, then, after a couple of days, as if nothing had happened, visit a friend again for a fictitious occasion.

The loss of a person is the worst thing that can happen in our life, and no matter how indignant we are about this, no one can change the course of fate. But we can do something else - to remain human even in moments of the strongest grief. Save your "face", continue to adhere to the moral principles and ethics. After all, no one around is to blame for the fact that a tragic event happened to you.

All for now.
Sincerely, Vyacheslav.

A loved one died. Funerals, commemorations have passed ... And now the relatives and friends who supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to ordinary life, to your business. Attention and care for you on their part is becoming less and less ...

And you? You still bear the brunt of the loss, grieve, and do not understand how they can continue to live when such a misfortune happened. You miss the loved one who left you, and it seems that this terrible grief will never end, and the lack of attention and care exacerbates your feelings.

If you have already begun to ask yourself these questions, then you understand that you need to change something in your attitude to life with loss, that you need to adapt to a new social and social environment for you. emotional situation life loss.

And now the epigraph to this article becomes relevant for you. In this context, this phrase does not mean that you should “pull yourself out of the water yourself” - forget the deceased, pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, you must "learn to swim" and be able to take "precautions on the water", i.e. do everything to live your situation of grief with the least bodily and emotional disturbances.

There are no universal recipes for this, everyone has their own, unique grief and their own, unique situation in the family and in society.

Nevertheless, I will try to give some tips that, I hope, will help at some points in this difficult life period.

Try to realize in what aspects of life you have become the most vulnerable- Is it a domestic sphere, emotional, perhaps professional? When you understand where "the most big hole", it will be easier to close it. And How Small child gradually learns to walk, try to gradually learn to independently receive what you used to receive with the help of the deceased.

It can be purely everyday skills. For example, a woman who has lost her husband, who did everything around the house, can learn to do something herself, or can find a household service that will help maintain comfort at home at the usual level. A man who has lost his wife can study the instructions for household appliances(washing machine, modern smart stove, microwave oven) and provide yourself with the same level of life. Someone has to learn how to cook. Some people need to learn how to make decisions. This is especially difficult if the deceased person used to decide almost everything for you. Remember that you do not need to strive to make a decision instantly. Do not hesitate to consult with authoritative this issue people may need the help of a specialist in a particular area. In the first time after the death of a loved one, try to postpone the decision altogether. global issues(buying / selling real estate, moving, etc.) for a while.

Harder with emotional gaps. emotional sphere- this is the first thing that needs to be regulated.

Do not listen to those who advise "strengthen, hold on, take courage ...". Don't store up tears. If you want to cry - cry, if you feel sad - be sad. And do not feel guilty about this before your environment. Tears are normal physiological response pain, in this case heartache. Tears are emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and devastated, but it becomes easier for him. Remember that you have the right to express your feelings. And you don't have to justify yourself to others. Only to small children you should explain that your emotions are not caused by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. Adults usually understand this. If you hold back tears, the child may try to copy your behavior without understanding its reasons, and subsequently will hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, let the child cry for the dead if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live through these emotions.

Think about who you can talk to about the person who left you. If there is no such person in your environment, use modern possibilities psychological support, hotlines, psychological assistance services. The main thing is to speak. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears… Feel free to show yourself weak man, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the dead with God. The prayer for the dead is yours real help and the soul of the departed.

But do not try to talk to the deceased, physically he is no longer around. Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to everyone who tries to tell you about superstitions, signs and so on. If you are a believer, you already know what happened (see sections "There is life after death!" and "How the soul lives after death"). If you do not believe in God, then death for you is the end of physical existence, then all the more there is no point in performing superstitious rituals.

Keeping a diary helps many to soften acute emotions. Write about your thoughts, feelings, about your pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed over this period of time? Which feelings have become sharper, which, on the contrary, are gone? What have you learned? Such introspection will reveal to you your weaknesses and strengths. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support in those aspects where you are not confident in yourself.

Another way is to write a letter to the deceased. Even if death was not sudden, there is always a lot of unspoken, unspoken. Write. You need it, not him. If you haven't said something important, you have the opportunity to say it now. Use it. Don't be afraid to look funny because there is nowhere to send the letter, you can just burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of inconsistencies that you carry by entrusting it to paper.

If you do not like to write, but emotions and memories overwhelm - try this method. Place two jars side by side. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember the deceased kind and good - drop one ball into the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some bleak incident, resentment, quarrel - write on a piece of paper - what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the sheet into a ball and put it in another jar. It will be a bank of your grievances. How long you will do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already "lying" in the memory bank - close it and put it where you see fit. All the bright memories are now before your eyes. See how many there are. When no new grievances are remembered - select a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.

Feelings of guilt before the deceased deserve special consideration.. The main thing - do not allow yourself to cultivate a sense of guilt, it acts destructively.

Another strong feeling that can accompany loss is fear.. Night or day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?

It is important to understand that your fear is not the fear of an adult in real life. dangerous situation, but rather a "childish" reaction to the unknown surrounding you after the death of a loved one.

I propose a small exercise to regain your "adult" state, to stay "here and now", in reality.

When you feel fear - first look around, if there is really no immediate threat to your life and health, select 5 colors of objects that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? (Look at any objects, but you should not just "recognize" the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud). If fear creeps up at night, don't imagine that the ceiling is white (this is not your feeling of "here and now", this is knowledge), at night it looks gray, like all other things, so either turn on the light or distinguish the intensity of shades of gray in those around you things.

Now sounds. 5 sounds - a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV .... anything, but there should also be 5 sounds. In the silence of the night, this can be the sound of your breathing, heartbeat, rustling of a blanket, wind in the foliage outside the window, noise water in the pipes ... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.

Then listen to the feeling own body. Are your hands where they are, warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Nape and neck area. Back. The abdomen and groin. Feel all these parts of your body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.

For visually and hearing impaired people, color or sound discrimination can be replaced by tactile sensations items. Touch what is near you. Highlight 5 different sensations - wool carpet, cool wood furniture, soft upholstery, paper wallpaper ... Try to distinguish the subtle smells emitted by these items.

Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality with irrational fears.

Be natural in grief. Don't let others force certain behaviors on you. At the same time, do not refuse the help of loved ones if it helps you. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.

Be patient. No one can say how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will recede, it will flood with new force. Holidays and family dates are especially difficult. For many years, the pain of loss can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, in New Year or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Unleash your memories, order a memorial service in the temple, pray at home, visit the cemetery. Even in a situation where one of the spouses died, and the other new family- don't be shy about it. The deceased is part of your life. A person who loves you should understand and respect your feelings. This is not treason, this is a tribute.

Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today, everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and somatic (bodily) sides. A deep experience of grief can cause diseases of the body. Grief manifests itself in appearance person. Grieving muscularly clamped, tense, unable to relax. Such tension can cause sleep disturbance, which, in turn, leads to respiratory disorders, pressure surges, and heart disease. If you feel muscle clamps, ask someone to give you a massage (usually the collar zone suffers first), or contact a massage therapist. Perhaps someone will be helped by relaxing to the sounds of nature (you can download some of them in mp3 format on the Internet). Be attentive to your condition while listening, if instead of relaxing you feel that, on the contrary, grief “rolls”, or sounds awaken painful memories in you, stop listening immediately. If you have previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now, if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist.

Don't ignore your body's needs. Try, if possible, to follow the usual daily routine. Don't skip meals, even if you don't feel like it - a small meal will help you support yourself. You need quite a bit, at least an apple, a glass of kefir or milk. Do not rush to the other extreme - "do not seize" grief. If the bouts of hunger are uncontrollable, try to understand - do you really want to eat, or just need comfort in such a way as in childhood: "Don't cry, hold the candy"? If so, it's a lack of emotional support, look for it from relatives, friends, or professionals, and not overweight.

The second is vital important need that needs to be satisfied is the need for sleep. Take a cool shower before bed, don't watch TV, try to relax as much as possible in bed. If you are unable to establish normal sleep on your own, consult a doctor for medical support. But remember that drugs alleviate your condition, but do not eliminate the cause. Therefore, you seem to “freeze” yourself in a state of grief, prolonging the period of mourning. And, of course, you should not seek solace in alcohol.

Another important aspect- the pace of your life. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all the functions that you easily coped with before. It's OK. If there is an opportunity to transfer them to someone - do it. Allow yourself to reduce stress, remember that the stress you are experiencing negatively affects all areas of your life. Get more rest. Evaluate what kind of rest is better for you - active or passive? Do not be afraid to show weakness and do not feel guilty about it, when you can - you will return to the usual rhythm of life. For now, just take care of yourself.

Time passes, and what seemed insurmountable yesterday is overcome. Emotions that did not allow breathing weaken, are replaced by others. The feeling of loss does not go away, you will always miss a dead person, just a sharp pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories and then these memories will become bright. It means that you have gone through the most difficult period.

Surviving grief does not mean forgetting. Surviving means learning to fully live after a loss.