Lena Kuznetsova
Effective Communication Techniques: I - Message

AT recent decades increased interest in communication. Amazing Fact: In human interaction, more than half of all problems relate to a lack of mutual understanding.

A person wants to say one thing, says another, the interlocutor hears a third in this and interprets it as a fourth. Psychologists call this communication difficulty. To overcome these difficulties, specialists identified those forms of communication that maximize the development of mutual understanding and cooperation. They are called technicians. effective communication. You can apply these techniques in the family, and at work, and when clarifying various conflict situations. We'll talk about technology

i-messages

What are I-messages and why are they needed

I-message is literate statement his dissatisfaction.

I-messages are not meant to change the behavior of another. And this must be remembered. I-messages are used to ensure that the interlocutor hears and understands you.

Why don't children hear us? Because we are used to you-messages. The accusatory tone of such sentences alienates us from each other, forces us to step back, and take a defensive position.

I-messages contain personal pronouns, as a rule, they begin with the words: I don’t like, it tires me, I don’t like it. P.

The most dangerous and conflict-producing you-messages begin with second-person pronouns: You, to you, because of you, etc. The interlocutor is offended by any such message, or reacts with a counter-accusation. For example: “Again you made a mess, I no longer have the strength to clean it all up!”

How to use the i-message technique

1. Description of the fact: When you arrive late…

2. Description of sensation, feelings: I am either a verb ... upset, worried, upset, etc.

3. Explanation why: because I don’t know where you are and what’s wrong with you…

4. Message about your desire or desire: I would like you to call me when you are late.

Many parents sometimes find it difficult to contain negative emotions when interacting with a child. They break down and yell at their son or daughter, and then they are tormented by guilt and ask what to do. How to avoid it? The technique of "I-messages" will help you.

How to communicate with children using "I-messages"?

1. Use "I-messages" more often to express your positive emotions

The child needs to feel the love of his parents. Tell him more often: “I am glad (a) to see you”, “I love you”, “I like to play with you”.

2. Listen to the child without interrupting.

The child does not yet know how to express their feelings in the way that adults can. And don't expect it from him. First, listen to everything he tells you, asking clarifying questions.

3. Teach your child to talk about their emotions in the form of "I-messages"

Teach your child to formulate whims and dissatisfaction with the help of "I-messages". Let him talk about how he feels.

For example, a son says to you: “Mom, I don’t want to Kindergarten". You answer: “Are you tired and want to rest?”. Or the daughter came from the street and declares: “I will no longer play with Masha, she is greedy!”. Can be reformulated to: "Are you mad that she didn't give you her doll?". Such phrases allow you to establish contact with the child: after making sure that he is understood, the child will readily share his difficulties and allow you to help solve them.

4. Express dissatisfaction with the actions of the child, but not with him

It is possible and necessary to express dissatisfaction, but not by the child himself, but by his actions. "I-messages" allow you to express own feelings instead of accusing the child: “I get upset when you say bad words”, and not “You speak bad words”, and in no case “You - bad boy when you say bad words.

The main message that comes from you this case the child receives, it sounds like this: “You are dear to me (ah, I love you very much, but your act upsets me.”

5. Tell us about the reasons for your dissatisfaction

After you have expressed your dissatisfaction to the child using "I-messages", talk about the reasons for it. For example, a growing daughter returned late from a walk, you were worried, and tomorrow is a new working day. Tell your daughter that it will be difficult for you to fall asleep, and that tomorrow you need to get up early for work. Naturally, also using "I-messages".

If the child still does not understand you, go back to point 1: “Use “I-messages” more often.”

6. Describe what kind of behavior you expect from the child

At the end of the conversation with the child, explain to him what behavior you expect from him. If we take the above example of communicating with a teenage daughter, then the phrase would look like this: “I would really like you to come home from a walk earlier.”

If the child has already grown up, then he may not agree with the line of behavior that you propose. In this case, it is necessary to seek a compromise and return to point 2 "Listen to the child without interrupting."

Well, now a little practice.

Exercise 1. Please replace typical demand and accusation phrases with interesting “I-messages”

(see presentation)

Exercise 2. Choose "I-statement"

Situation 1. Children are talking loudly during lunch.

Your words:

1. "When I eat, I am deaf and dumb."

2. “What are you so angry about, choke. Then you will learn how to talk while eating.

3. "I don't like it when people talk loudly at the table during dinner."

Situation 2. You came home from work late, and the child did not complete part of the homework.

Your words:

1. “Lord, when will you finally do your homework on time?”

2. “Again, nothing has been done. When will it end? I am tired of this. You will do your homework until the morning.”

3. “It worries me that the lessons have not yet been done. I'm starting to get nervous. I want the lessons to be done until 8 pm.”

Situation 3. You need to do certain work at home, and your child constantly distracts you: asks questions, asks to read, shows his drawings.

Your words:

1. “Stop pulling me. Get busy and don't pester me while I'm at work."

2. “Sorry, I can’t play with you right now. I am very busy. When I finish my work, I will definitely read it to you.

3. “I get irritated when distracted. I lose my mind and get angry, it prevents me from doing the work quickly.

Learning to speak in the format of "I - messages" is not easy. To do this, it is desirable to train. It is enough to apply this technique for at least one day, and subsequently this new form communication will become a habit.

Certainly in everyday speech you won’t be able to immediately come up with a beautiful proposal, but it’s not necessary to do this, the main thing is to stick to a simple I-message scheme.

It must be remembered that the use of the I-message technique in itself does not necessarily mean that the partner will accept our position, agree with our point of view. However, our point of view will be available and open to him, which means that we are on the right path to mutual understanding.

Error Parsing

1. Fake you messages. One must beware of "centaurs", that is, sentences that begin with a first person pronoun and end with a reproach or accusation. It's still You-messages. For example: I don't like it when you behave so badly!

2. Hidden reproach. If the text of the I-message contains a hidden reproach, you will not be heard or understood. For example, “I do everything alone, I fall off my feet, but at least you have something!”

3. Insincere I-messages. “I’ll be upset if you don’t go to bed now” - there is manipulation, instead of

positive self-message. It is necessary not only to express your feelings and set conditions, you need to sincerely inform the interlocutor about your true experiences.

4. Complete rejection of you-messages. This is not true, because it is necessary to use positive you-messages: “You helped me a lot”, “You yourself went to bed on time, you are so good!” etc.

If you do not let them know how you feel, then the person may simply not think of it!

The success of a conversation largely depends not only on the ability to speak, but also on the ability to listen. When we listen attentively and with interest to someone, we spontaneously turn to face the speaker or lean slightly towards him, establish visual contact with him, etc. The ability to listen with “whole body” helps you better understand the interlocutor, shows the interlocutor interest in him. At the same time, the ability to listen implies a certain algorithm that can be arbitrarily reproduced.

Look at the interlocutor

As it was said earlier, eye contact eyes is important element communications.

If you look into the eyes of the interlocutor, thereby you show that what the interlocutor says is important and interesting to you.

If you consider the interlocutor "from head to toe", thereby you inform him that the interlocutor himself is important to you in the first place, and what he says is secondary.

If, while the interlocutor is saying something, you are examining objects in the room, thereby you are communicating that neither the interlocutor nor what he says is important to you, according to at least in this moment.

React

Main element active perception- the ability to let a person know that you are listening carefully. This can be done by accompanying the interlocutor's speech with a nod of the head, pronouncing accompanying words such as "yes", "I understand you ...", etc. It is important to respond to the interlocutor's words, but one should not overdo it. Grotesque responses and attentions can create tension and destroy rapport.

Don't end a sentence for the other person

Sometimes you may have a desire to "help" the speaker and finish the phrase he started for him. Even if you are sure that you understand correctly what the person wants to say, you should not try to demonstrate it in this way. Give the person the opportunity to understand and formulate the thought.

Ask questions for understanding

If you don't understand something, ask. Appeal to the speaker for clarification, the desire to receive Additional information, to clarify the position of the interlocutor - one of the indicators of active listening.

If you understand what a person wants to say, but he finds it difficult to express a thought, help him with a question.

Keep in mind that each question contains limited quantity possible answers to it. Your question determines the answers you will receive. Therefore, it is important to be able to set right question at the right moment.

Paraphrase

Paraphrasing means an attempt to clarify the meaning of the interlocutor's statement by repeating to the speaker his own message, but in his own words. In addition to checking the correctness of understanding, paraphrasing allows the speaker to see that he is being listened to and understood.

notice feelings

The phrases "I understand your condition ..."; “I understand that it’s not easy for you to talk about this,” etc. - they show the interlocutor that they understand his condition, they empathize with him. In this case, the emphasis is not on the content of the message, as in paraphrasing, but on the reflection of the feelings expressed by the speaker, his attitudes and emotional state.

i-message

One of the communication techniques that involves talking with the interlocutor in the first person. This means that most statements begin with the word "I" - hence the name.

EXAMPLE: “The ability to formulate statements in the form of so-called I-messages is important resource relationship management in interaction. It is a non-categorical statement made "from oneself" and "about oneself" without appeal to logic, authorities, to any general principles etc.: "I think...", "I feel...". It would seem an elementary verbal "technique", but when used in communication, it encounters psychological obstacles.

So, the first reaction that a person usually shows when a communication partner expresses a point of view that does not coincide with the point of view of the listener is an objection to the content or / or an assessment of the speaker's point of view: "In my opinion, you are talking wrong." If the partner's point of view significantly affects the interests or feelings of the listener, then the emotional component such a reaction: "You're talking nonsense!". In contrast to such formulations, the I-message would sound something like this: "When you say this, I immediately want to object, I even start to get angry."

The difference is huge. In the first case, this is a statement about a partner: he and his thought are evaluated, and the speaker is closed. This is the so-called "You-message".

In the second case, the speaker in the I-message spoke about himself, in no way evaluating the thought of the partner and himself.

Here it is the speaker who is open. I-message is an invitation to more open communication. Deciding on such openness, especially with a subordinate, is often a difficult task for a leader: this is associated in his mind with possible loss status. However, the use of I-messages by the discussion leader at the stages of problematization and translation of problems into tasks is very effective in transferring the initiative to the participants, giving them a sense of freedom and psychological security, creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and acceptance of other people's opinions. It activates the participants, increases the openness of communication, which, as we have seen, is very important for developing optimal decisions and taking responsibility for them."

listening technique

KEY TECHNIQUES

FORBIDDEN DOES

STATEMENTS - SOLUTIONS

These statements remove all responsibility from the subscriber and shift it to the consultant. They seem to say to the subscriber: “You are too dumb to figure out the problem, I will have to do it for you.” Direction, orders: you advise another person to do something, give him instructions. Warnings, threats, persuasion: You use your power to warn the other person of the consequences of their actions. Moralizing, instructing, admonishing: you tell a person what he should do. Tips, Suggestions, Solutions: You tell the person how to solve problems. Persuasion through logic and argument, instruction, lecture: an attempt to influence a person with facts, counterarguments, logic, information, or your opinion.

STATEMENTS THAT DECREASE YOUR SELF-ESTIMATION

The following illegal moves directly "attack" dignity and the activity of another person, letting him know: "Something is wrong with you, it needs to be put in order." Discussion, criticism, disagreement, accusation: you negatively evaluate and feel the other person. Ridicule, name-calling, shaming: you make the person look stupid. Research, interrogation: you are trying to find reasons, motives, sources, find out the details. Praise, agreement, positive evaluation, approval: manipulation of another person with flattery or the promise of a reward. Interpretation, analysis, diagnosis: you tell the person what his motives are, analyze the principles of his words and actions, report that you have "figured out" him. Dissuasion, consolation, support: an attempt to improve a person’s well-being, “speak” him and get him out of his emotional state, deny the strength of his feelings.

STATEMENTS - NEGATIONS

These reactions negate or downplay the other person, their feelings and needs, saying in a veiled way that your feelings are ridiculous and you should forget about them. Escape from the problem, distraction, ridicule: an attempt to distract, take a person away from the problem and get away from it himself, “push away” the problem, ridicule the person.

Argumentation Tactics

1. The installation in relation to the partner should be not only friendly, but also not self-centered.. Only when mutual respect and taking into account each other's interests, communication will be truly partnership based on mutual respect and consideration of each other's interests. Egocentrism prevents this, not allowing a person to change the angle of view when perceiving and evaluating events, to see them with different parties and in its entirety. It forces a person to act in his "coordinate system", to approach the partner's statements with his own yardstick, to interpret the information coming from him in a favorable light for himself. The position of a person who communicates in this manner cannot be called objective, and his arguments cannot be called convincing.

2. Be respectful of the interlocutor and his position, even if it is unacceptable. Nothing has such a destructive effect on communication as the arrogant and dismissive attitude of partners towards each other. If, in response to his argument, the partner catches a note of irony or contempt in the speech of the opponent, then one can hardly count on a favorable outcome of the conversation.

3. Argumentation should be conducted "on the field" of the interlocutor, i.e. work directly with his arguments. Demonstrating their failure or undesirable consequences their acceptance, it is necessary to put forward their own, more acceptable in the interests of the common cause. This will give best effect than multiple repetitions of its own arguments.

4. Convincing a partner is easier for a convinced person. Defending your point of view, you can quickly influence the interlocutor. In this case, in addition to the logic that affects the rational layers of the psyche, the mechanism of emotional infection is activated. Fascinated by his idea, a person speaks emotionally and figuratively, which plays an important role in persuasion. Thus, the appeal not only to the mind, but also to the heart of the interlocutor gives a result. However, excessive emotionality, indicating a lack logical reasoning, can cause a rebuff from the opponent.

5. Excitement and excitement when persuading are interpreted as insecurity persuasive, and therefore reduce the effectiveness of argumentation. Outbursts of anger, screaming, cursing cause backlash interlocutor, forcing him to defend himself. The best means- courtesy, diplomacy, tact. But at the same time, politeness should not turn into flattery.

6. It is better to start the argumentation phrase with a discussion of those issues on which it is easier to reach agreement with the opponent. The more the partner agrees, the more chances to achieve the desired result. Only then should we proceed to the discussion contentious issues. main, most strong arguments should be repeated many times different wording and context.

7. Structuring information works effectively: sorting, highlighting paramount arguments and organizing them. You can arrange arguments into logical, temporary, and other blocks.

8. useful to develop detailed plan arguments, taking into account the possible counter-arguments of the opponent. Having a plan will help build the logic of the conversation - the core for your arguments. This organizes the attention and thinking of the interlocutor, makes it easier for him to understand the position of the partner.

9. In speech, it is better to use simple, clear expressions. without abusing professional terminology and foreign words. A conversation can “drown” in a “sea” of concepts that are vague in meaning. Misunderstanding causes irritation and boredom in the interlocutor. It is easy to find a compromise if you take into account the educational and cultural level of your opponent. To use words persistently, firmly and resolutely is the tactic of a successful diplomat.

10. Uncertainty, fuzziness can be perceived by the interlocutor as insincerity. One should conduct the conversation using reason and feeling one's own strength, emphasizing confidence in one's point of view, but showing respect for the point of view of one's opponent.

11. Each new thought must be clothed in a new sentence.. Offers should not be in the form of a telegraphic message, but they should not be too long either. Stretched arguments are usually associated with the presence of doubts in the speaker. Short and simple phrases should not be built according to the rules. literary language, but according to the laws colloquial speech. Most important points can be distinguished intonation.

12. The flow of arguments in monologue mode dulls the attention and interest of the interlocutor. Their skillfully spaced pauses activate them. If it is necessary to emphasize some thought, then it is better to express it after a pause and slightly delay the speech after the promulgation of the thought. The partner will be able to take advantage of the timely pause and enter into the conversation, giving his comments. Neutralizing the interlocutor's claims along the way is much easier than unwinding a ball of them at the end of the argument. A prolonged pause makes the interlocutor tense up, fussing internally.

13. The principle of visibility is very effective when presenting arguments.. The visualization of the image is facilitated by the activation of the interlocutor's imagination. To this end, it is useful to use vivid comparisons, metaphors, aphorisms that help reveal the meaning of words and enhance their persuasive effect. A variety of analogies, parallels, associations contribute to the identification of truth, when they are appropriate and take into account the experience of the interlocutor. Well-chosen examples and the facts of life itself will strengthen the arguments. There should not be many of them, but they should be clear and convincing.

15. You should never tell a man that he is wrong. This will not convince him, but will only hurt his pride, and he will take a position of self-defense. After that, it is unlikely to be able to convince him. It is better to act more diplomatically: "Maybe I'm wrong, but let's see ..." This good way offer your interlocutor your argument. It is better to admit your own wrongness immediately and openly, even if it is unprofitable, but in the future you can count on a similar behavior of your partner.

16. Honesty or perseverance, gentleness or aggressiveness - a way of behaving in deseds. This is what people will be ready for next time and what they will be ready to deal with. People have long memories, especially when they feel they have been treated unfairly in some way. The person running to aggressive approach always tries to get as much as possible from the other side and strives to give as little as possible. The productivity of this approach is the opposite: potential partners are less cooperative and will usually not deal with this person more than once.

16. Rough conversational approach yields limited and short-term results. Pushing or forcing a partner to make a decision can have reverse effect: The opponent will be stubborn and adamant. Bringing the interlocutor smoothly into making a decision will undoubtedly require more time, patience and perseverance, but this path is more likely to achieve a satisfactory and sustainable result.

17. Do not bet in advance on the resolution of the problem in your favor. When two people are involved in a discussion, they both feel like they are being given an opportunity and that they need to get the most out of the conversation. Each person can consider that the truth is on his side, that he has more vantage point to substantiate their proposals or put forward requirements. You may have to defend your point of view in a dispute with a person who is talking defiantly and rudely. Excessive firmness can interfere with this: it is important to be ready to make concessions in order to achieve the desired result.

18. To overcome negative attitude interlocutor, you can create the illusion that the proposed idea, point of view belongs to him. To do this, it is enough just to lead him to the appropriate thought and give him the opportunity to draw a conclusion from it. it great way gain his confidence in the proposed idea.

19. You can refute the remark of the interlocutor even before it is expressed.- this will save you from subsequent excuses. More often, however, this is done after the utterance. You should not parry right away: this can be perceived by the partner as disrespect for his position. You can postpone your response to comments until a more tactically appropriate moment. It is possible that by that time it will lose its meaning, and then the need to answer it will disappear altogether.

20. Express if necessary criticisms the opponent should remember that the purpose of criticism is to help the interlocutor see the mistake and its possible consequences rather than to prove that he is worse. Criticism should not be directed at the personality of the partner, but at erroneous actions and deeds. Criticism should be preceded by the recognition of any merits of the partner, this will help to get rid of resentment.

21. Instead of expressing your dissatisfaction, it is better to suggest a way to fix the error.. This can achieve the following:

• seize the initiative in the choice of means of solving the problem that has arisen and the best way protect your interests;
• leave room for further collaboration.

22. Repositioning is helpful in resolving conflicts."I am against you" to the position of "we are against common problem». This approach implies a willingness to negotiate terms, but at the same time it helps to reach a solution that satisfies both parties as much as possible.

23. Ability to end a conversation if it takes an undesirable direction, is also of great importance. It is necessary to know the point at which to retreat, to stop negotiating due to the impossibility of accepting the required conditions.

It may also happen that the result of the conversation did not meet the expectations of one of the partners. Probably, the reason lies not in the lack of mutual understanding, but in the erroneous tactics of conducting the discussion. Here are a few common mistakes that may arise during negotiations and prevent the successful completion of the discussion:

1. Improvisation in preparation for a conversation.
2. Uncertainty about the purpose of the conversation.
3. Poor organization of speech.
4. Unfounded arguments.
5. Lack of attention to detail.
6. Lack of sincerity.
7. Absence of tact.
8. Reassessment of one's own position.
9. Disrespect for the position of the interlocutor
10. Unwillingness to compromise.

Such errors should be especially avoided by those who speak in active role. This will help to make the argument more convincing, to gain the trust of the listener, to appear before him as a whole person.

"I-messages"

Tasks:

1 introduce communication styles with children.

2 Expand the concept of I-messages.

3 Teach parents to use i-messages to communicate with their children

4 In the training work to develop (form) the skills of interaction with children using I-messages.

Literature: S. Lobodina How to develop a child's abilities, S-P1997

Methods and techniques:

Event plan.

1. Styles of communication with children

2. Announcement of topic No. 2, showing a presentation.

3. Behavior training.

Communication. great strength hidden in communication, in the ability to communicate with each other. Family communication is great value for children and parents.Quite often, the inability to hear, correctly express one's feelings and emotions become the cause of deep resentment or even psychological trauma.

Sometimes children, by their behavior, cause negative experiences in parents, who often begin to react to them with screams, criticism, punishment ... As a rule, this does not improve the behavior of children, but on the contrary, it worsens. The child perceives pressure as coercion, which he begins to resist.

(Slide 2) When you communicate with your child - how do you build a sentence? We rarely think about how we talk. What do you usually say to a child when you are dissatisfied with his behavior or act? “You’re a slob”, “You shouldn’t do this”, “You didn’t do what I asked you to”, “You always do it your way”, and many other phrases. All these phrases reflect our everyday language well.

These are You-messages, they are familiar, emotional and not very informative for children. "You-messages" we use more often, because it's easier. However, the interlocutor perceives them as attempts to control his personality.

There are also I-messages. I-messages are over effective way in terms of influencing the child in order to change his behavior, which parents do not accept. At the same time, they maintain a favorable relationship with each other.

(Slide 3) Thomas Gordon (American psychologist) drew a message diagram for a parent who is tired and does not feel like playing with his son

The I-message technique will help you avoid an accusatory tone. Why children do not hear us? Because we are used to you-messages. The accusatory tone of such sentences alienates us from each other, forces us to step back, and take a defensive position.-message allows the parent to express their feelings in connection with the behavior of the child, while not blaming and criticizing him. For example: “I get annoyed when I see such an untidy room” instead of: “You didn’t clean your room as usual” or “I’m so glad that today you good mood!” instead of "Are you in a good mood? Weird. Usually YOU are always dissatisfied with something.

(Slide 4) This technique involves talking to the child in the first person. This means that most statements begin with the word "I" - hence the name. If you decide to use the I-Messaging style, you should describe your feelings and desires about the situation as accurately as possible without taking on the child's personality.

(Slide 5) How to build a phrase so that it becomes an I-message?

A phrase can consist of four main parts (the sequence of parts and their number are not rigid !!!):
1. You need to start the phrase with a description of the fact that you do not like in the behavior of another person. I emphasize that it is a fact! No emotions or evaluation of a person as a person. For example, like this: “When you are late…”, “When I see that you……”, “When this happens…..!”, “When I am faced with the fact that…”.
2. Next, you should describe your feelings in connection with this behavior. For example: "I'm upset", "I'm worried", "I'm upset", "I'm worried", "I don't know how to react".
(Slide 6) 3. Then you need to explain what effect this behavior has on you or on others. In the example of being late, the continuation could be: “because I have to stand at the entrance and freeze”, “because I don’t know the reason for your being late”, “because I have little time left to communicate with you”, etc.
four . In the final part of the phrase, you need to report your desire, that is, what kind of behavior you would like to see instead of the one that made you dissatisfied. To continue the belated example: “I would really like you to call me if you can’t come on time.” I use the words “I wish that…!”, “I would rather…”, “I would be glad to…”.

(Slide 7) Let's see how the construction of I-message phrases looks like in practice

(Slide 8) I-messages are not meant to change the behavior of another.And this must be remembered. I-messages are used to make the interlocutor heard and understood you.

Meaning of intonation in I-messages

Remember - if you express your thoughts in the style of I-messages with a hysterical or accusatory intonation - the technique will not work. "I miss your attention!" - the exclamatory tone of the message does not allow you to hear and take note of this message.

(Slide 9) The well-known Russian psychologist, Professor Yu.B. Gippenreiter highlights the following advantages of the "I-message":

1. Allows us to express our negative feelings in a way that is not offensive to the child.
2. Gives children the opportunity to get to know their parents better. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel anything at all. This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more humane.
3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere in expressing theirs. Children begin to feel that adults trust them, and they can be trusted too.
4. By expressing our feelings without an order or reprimand, we leave the opportunity for the children to make their own decisions. And then, surprisingly, they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

(Slide 10) I highly recommend reading the bookYu.B. Gippenreiter, they are shown on the slide." Communicate with the child. How?" We continue to communicate with the child. So- this is famous books about building relationships between parents and children, about establishing a real deep contact with the child, about the technique of active listening, about resolving conflicts, about working with emotions and much more. Scientific depth combined with the simplicity of the text, its invaluable practical use and examples from real life can do thisbook desktop reference for you parents choosing a conscious style of upbringing and communication with children.

Learning to speak in the format of "I - messages" is not easy. To do this, it is desirable to train. And, anyway, this may result in errors:

(Slide 11) Analysis of errors

1. False you messages. One must beware of sentences that begin with a first person pronoun and end with a reproach or accusation. It's still You-messages. For example: I don't like it when you behave so badly!" It annoys me that you so careless! - YOUR lateness pisses me off! 2. Hidden reproach . If the text of the I-message contains a hidden reproach, you will not be heard or understood. For example, “I do everything alone, I fall off my feet, but at least you have something!” 3. Insincere I-messages. “I’ll be upset if you don’t go to bed now” - there is manipulation, instead of a positive self-message.

It is necessary not only to express your feelings and set conditions, you need to sincerely inform the interlocutor about your true experiences.

4. Complete rejection of you-messages. This is not true, because it is necessary to use positive you-messages: “You helped me a lot”, “You yourself went to bed on time, you are so good!” etc.

Slide (12) Conclusion - Let's think a little about how our remark is made and use I-messages in speech!

	Turn off the cartoon, as much as you can talk!
	Get it off the table!
	Dress warmly!
	Did you clean up after yourself again?
	How many times do I have to tell you to put the dishes in the sink after eating?
	Stop pulling me. Get busy doing something and don't bother me while I'm working."
	“Lord, when are you finally going to do your homework on time?”
	Well, what kind of look do you have?
	Stop crawling here, YOU are bothering me!
	Could you be quieter?
	You should go to bed because it's getting late.
	"You can't tear off the wallpaper"!
	You never listen to me!
	You interrupt me all the time!
	You made a dump of toys again, what a slob!
	Look how clean Lesha is from the street, and you?
	Every day is the same. I'm always late to work because of you!
	What are you doing? Never kick, do you hear?

1 Turn off the cartoon, as much as you can talk!The cartoon interferes with my work

2 Clean up after yourself from the table!(I don't like dirty dishes on the table)

3 Dress warmly!I'm worried about your health.

4 “Didn’t you clean up after yourself again?

How many times do you need to repeat that after eating

Dishes are put in the sink.

-« I get upset when I see dirty dishes on the table.

It's embarrassing for me. I want the dishes to be put in the sink after eating.”

6. “Stop teasing me. Get busy and don't bother me while I'm at work."“I get irritated when I'm distracted. I lose my mind and get angry, it prevents me from doing the work quickly.

7. “Lord, when will you finally do your homework on time?”“I'm worried that the lessons haven't been done yet. I'm starting to get nervous. I want the lessons to be done until 8 pm.”

8. Well, what do YOU ​​look like? -I don't like it when children go disheveled, and I am ashamed of the looks of my neighbors.

9. Stop crawling here, YOU are bothering me. -It is difficult for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I stumble all the time.

10. Could you be quieter?- Loud music makes me very tired.

11. You should go to bed because it's getting late!-When it’s late and we’re still awake, I get upset because in the morning you will be sleepy and it will be difficult to wake you up, I would really like you to fall asleep sooner.”

12. "You can not tear off the wallpaper"! -“When the wallpaper is peeled off, I get angry because I don’t have any other wallpaper and the wall becomes ugly, please don’t peel off the wallpaper, let’s put it back on.”

13. You never listen to me! -When I see that they do not listen to me, I feel bad, because I say serious things. Please be careful what I say.

14. You interrupt me all the time! -I find it difficult to speak when someone else is talking with me. I'm offended

15. You again made a dump of toys, well, a slob!

16. Look how clean Lesha is from the street, and you?

17. Every day is the same. I'm always late to work because of you!

18. What are you doing? Never kick, do you hear?

Many parents sometimes find it difficult to contain negative emotions when communicating with a child. They break down on their son or daughter, and then they are tormented by guilt and ask what to do. How to avoid it?

Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter - teacher, psychologist and professor Faculty of Psychology Moscow State University. In his books Communicating with a Child: How? and "Communicate with the child: so?" she teaches parents to competently get out of parent-child conflicts without hurting the child's psyche.

Instead of "You're bad" say "I'm upset with your behavior"

Yulia Borisovna and other psychologists pay special attention to the "I-messages" technique. It lies in the fact that it is better for parents to evaluate the actions of the child, describing their condition, and not his behavior. Instead of: "You did a bad thing" ("You-message"), you should say: "I am upset (a) with your behavior" ("I-message"). That is, to speak in the first person about your feelings about the behavior of the child, and not to make judgments about him.

Thus, we get rid of the accusatory tone that causes dislike or protest in the child. By talking about the child's behavior using "I-messages", it becomes easier to build a constructive dialogue. So the daughter or son will become your allies in solving the problem, and will not feel like they are in the dock.

How to communicate using "I-messages"?

1. Use "I-messages" more often to express your positive emotions

The baby needs to feel the parents. Tell him more often: “I am glad to see you”, “I love you”, “I like to play with you”.

2. Listen to the child without interrupting

The child does not yet know how to express their feelings in the way that adults can. And don't expect it from him. First, listen to everything he tells you, asking clarifying questions.

Teach your child to formulate whims and dissatisfaction with the help of "I-messages". Let him talk about how he feels. For example, a son says to you: "Mom, I don't want to go to school tomorrow." You answer: “Are you tired and want to rest?”. Or the daughter came from the street and declares: “I will no longer play with Masha, she is greedy!”. Reframe to: "Are you mad that she didn't give you her doll?" Such phrases allow you to establish contact with the child: after making sure that he is understood, the child will readily share his difficulties and allow you to help solve them.

4. Express dissatisfaction with the actions of the child, but not with him

It is possible and necessary to express dissatisfaction, but not by the child himself, but by his actions. “I-messages” allow you to express your own feelings instead of blaming the child: “I get upset when you say bad words”, not “You say bad words”, and in no case “You are a bad boy if you say bad words” .

The main message that the child receives from you in this case is: “You are dear to me, I love you very much, but your act upsets me.”

5. Tell us about the reasons for your dissatisfaction

After you have expressed your dissatisfaction to the child using "I-messages", talk about the reasons for it. For example, a growing daughter returned late from a walk with friends, you were worried, and tomorrow is a new working day. Tell your daughter that it will be difficult for you to fall asleep, and that tomorrow you need to get up early for work. Naturally, also using "I-messages".

If the child still does not understand you, go back to point 1: “Use “I-messages” more often.”

6. Describe what kind of behavior you expect from the child

At the end of the conversation with the child, explain to him what behavior you expect from him. If we take the above example of communicating with a teenage daughter, then the phrase would look like this: “I would really like you to come home from a walk earlier.”

If the child has already grown up, then he may not agree with the line of behavior that you propose. In this case, it is necessary to seek a compromise and return to point 2 "Listen to the child without interrupting."

7. Describe the consequences of a productive interaction

You will become a master at communicating with own child, if you describe not only what happens if the child does not obey, but also why you require a certain interaction from him. For example, behind the anxiety of a mother who worries that her daughter comes home late from a walk, there is a desire to interact more with a maturing teenager. “If you return earlier, you and I will be able to communicate more and discuss what is happening in your life.”

Ekaterina Kushnir

Let's start with examples. Consider some of the parent's comments:
1. I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, and I am ashamed of the looks of my neighbors.
2. It is difficult for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I stumble all the time.
3. Loud music makes me very tired.
Note that all these sentences contain personal pronouns I, ME, ME. Therefore, psychologists called statements of this kind "I-messages".

A parent might say differently:
1. Well, what do YOU ​​look like?
2. Stop crawling here, YOU are bothering me.
3. Could you be quieter?
In such statements, the words YOU, YOU, YOU are used. They can be called YOU-messages.

At first glance, the difference between "I-" and "You-messages" is small. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and “more convenient”. However, in response to them, the child is offended, defended, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them. After all, each "You-message", in fact, contains an attack, accusation or criticism of the child. Here is a typical dialogue:
"When are you going to finally start cleaning your room?" (Accusation.)
- That's enough, dad. After all, this is my room!
- How are you talking to me?! (Condemnation, threat.)
- What did I say?

So, RULE: When you talk about your feelings to a child, speak in the FIRST PERSON. Report ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT YOUR experience, and not about him, not about his behavior.

The I-message has a number of ADVANTAGES over the You-message.

1. IT ALLOWS YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR NEGATIVE FEELINGS IN A CHILD-CORRECT WAY. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger or irritation in order to avoid conflicts. However, this does not lead to the desired result. It is impossible to completely suppress our emotions, and the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdraw or go into an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace - war.

Recently, I happened to be present at a conversation between an eleven-year-old girl and her mother. The girl was upset and recalled, crying, all her "grievances". “You don’t think that I don’t understand how when you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you came in and we were playing a tape recorder, instead of learning lessons, you got angry with me, although you didn’t say anything. And I saw, I saw it, you can not deny it. I knew it from the way you looked at me, even the way you turned your head!”

This reaction of the girl was a direct consequence of the latent discontent of her mother. I thought: what subtle and observant "psychologists" our children are, and what a lesson this girl taught her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving vent to her feelings.

2. "I-MESSAGE" ALLOWS CHILDREN TO GET TO KNOW US PARENTS BETTER. Often we protect ourselves from children with the armor of “authority”, which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the mask of the "educator" and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel anything at all. This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more humane.

I recently overheard a mother on the phone with her ten-year-old son. Mom (a teacher by profession) told him about how difficult the lesson for her was successful. “You know,” she said, “how worried I was this morning. But everything ended well, and I'm very happy. And are you happy? Thanks!" It was nice to see such an emotional closeness between mother and son.

3. WHEN WE ARE OPEN AND SINCERE IN EXPRESSING OUR FEELINGS, CHILDREN BECOME SINCERE IN EXPRESSING THEIR. Children begin to feel that adults trust them, and they can trust too.

I will quote a letter from one mother who asks if she did the right thing. “My husband and I separated when our son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he began to deeply, consciously, but more to himself, miss his father. Somehow escaped from him: “With dad, I would go to the movies, but I don’t want to go with you.” Once, when my son directly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: “Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably because we don’t have a dad. Yes, and I'm not happy. If you had a dad, I had a husband, it would be much more interesting for us to live. My son broke through: he leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears poured out.
I wept furtively, too. But we both got better. I thought about this day for a long time and somewhere in the depths of my soul I understood that I had done the right thing. Is not it?"

Mom intuitively found Right words, told the boy about his experience ( active listening), and also spoke about her own (“I-message”). And the fact that it became easier for both, that mom and son became closer friend to a friend, is the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn the manner of communication from their parents. This also applies to the I-message.

“Since I started using I-messages,” writes the father of a five-year-old girl, “my daughter has almost disappeared requests like “Give me!”, “Play with me!” More often it sounds: “I want”, “I can’t wait any longer.”

4. SPEAKING OUR FEELINGS WITHOUT AN ORDER OR REVIEW, WE ARE LEAVING THE CHILDREN THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DECISION THESELF. And then - surprisingly - they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

I will cite a story told by the mother of a four-year-old boy.
“We came with my son to the pharmacy. He wanted vitamins, I bought him.
Then he saw others, and began to ask them. I said: "Seryozha, let's agree: when these vitamins run out, I will buy others." But he began to whine, and then - to push me and scream, and so that others could hear. I was very embarrassed and ashamed. I no longer noticed anyone around, did not know how to get out of the situation. And then I said out loud:
- I am terribly ashamed because of such a scene.
And suddenly Seryozha looked around, looked around at everyone, then clung to me, hugged my legs and said:
- Mom, let's go. As you wish. That's how much you say to eat vitamins, so much I'll eat. Say one, eat one, say two, eat two.
So we went home. He looked into my eyes all the time and repeated how much he would eat vitamins.