Surely, many women who are in the status of " active search” asked themselves the question: “Why am I lonely?” Perhaps someone has found a rational explanation for himself, and someone was left at a loss ...

So what lies behind the barriers to the much-desired partnership? There are many answers here, but I made my own classification of reasons female loneliness based on the experience of individual therapeutic sessions and trainings. So, I called the first group: Real "I don't want to!" or "I don't need it." In the last half century, humanity has embarked on a unique social experiment. For the first time in history, a significant number of the world's most different ages adhering to a variety of political views started living alone.

What does Loneliness mean today?

Loneliness today is not only a consequence of random circumstances, but also conscious choice million people in developed countries. This is the new social reality major cities, a responsible decision for both young representatives of the “creative class” and the elderly who want to grow old alone.

NYU sociologist Eric Kleinenberg, investigating the phenomenon modern loneliness, comes to an unexpected conclusion: living alone does not mean feeling lonely. And being alone at a certain stage of your life is not only not scary, but interesting and even necessary.

Living alone and being truly lonely are very different concepts, despite the fact that these phenomena are very often confused, only forcing the situation. For example, there is ample evidence that people who have never been married are no less happy than those who are married.

But, why, then, do people experience unpleasant feelings for themselves, feel out of place, being alone, and spend a lot of effort and energy searching for a partner? Yes, because cultural “must”, pressure from parents, colleagues, friends and acquaintances and intrusions with questions: “Well, when will you get married?”, “Do you have a MCH?”, “When will you meet?”, “Oh! We so want grandchildren”, “Oh, look, time is running out!” just frustrating...

And the girl is just this moment time is focused on something else, such as professional self-realization or creative search... Or she voluntarily decided to put the partnership on the altar of her interests.

But, feeling pressure from outside, she develops intrapersonal conflict when two needs are inconsistent with each other: on the one hand, the pressing "NECESSARY" / on the other - now I DO NOT NEED this, I DON'T WANT!

Hence a very uncomfortable state, destroying feelings of regret and guilt - which does not correspond, which does not justify.

By the way, this group is not so numerous in our country.

Osho said that Loneliness is the path of the proud and strong:“If you are alone, then you are already at home.”

But then we will not talk about loneliness as conscious choice of a person, not about the loneliness of a hermit, a monk, not about the loneliness of a talented person focused on creativity, not about the loneliness of a self-realized or enlightened master. We'll consider forced loneliness of a person seeking to get rid of him, find a partner, start a family.

The second group is also not very numerous, but still, such women exist among us. They are obsessed with excessive demands on themselves, self-discipline, belittle their importance and success. In most cases we are talking about the conflict between the need for self-respect, self-image, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, motives that contradict this self-image and therefore are unacceptable for her: "I WANT, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FORCE." Such women either accumulate traits of independence, aggressiveness, or, conversely, dependence, weakness.

I had a young woman in therapy who had a lot of virtues, but devalued them in every possible way.

She escaped in illusions, invented something for herself, believed it and projected it into life.

The on-duty sign of attention of a work colleague was regarded almost as a proposal of a hand and heart ...

In the end, she “invented” a life-saving legend for herself so as not to be in a relationship: “I will ruin his life”, “I don’t have the strength to be a good wife”, etc.

The third group includes women who have formed a certain perfect image, to which her chosen one must correspond, i.e. a very high bar for the required standard has been set, it can be: appearance, education, status in society, level wealth, personal qualities, etc.

And here the woman is firmly stuck in her trap. And, as a result, such a woman, first consciously, and then unconsciously, does not give herself a chance to be a wife.

Remember the fairy tale "Cinderella"? We do not know how the heroes of the fairy tale lived after the marriage, but this immortal history found its reflection in modern cinema, where we can see how the relationship between Cinderella and princes develops.

There are three relationship options:

• they break up
• the prince descends to the level of Cinderella,
• Cinderella grows up to the level of a prince.

There are no other options. This life is not a fairy tale.

In a training session with women caught in this trap, we explored this dynamic using system constellations: The Deputy, which is a metaphor for the Soul of the client in the system field, rejected potential suitors who were directly circling around the Deputy, she was still looking for an idealized image, and there are very few or even none of them. Well, it definitely wasn't in her field.

There was another dynamic that can also be attributed to this group. But here women not consciously, but immediately unconsciously fell into this trap: at first we could not understand what was the matter ...

The suitors, seeing the Deputy of such a girl, fled with all their might. Right away as soon as you see it. "Feet in hand - and tear."

We twisted the dynamics with different sides, until they came to the fact that the Deputy regally said: "I am the Queen."

Having asked the client what “I am the Queen” means, they were very surprised by her answer. It turned out that the girl went through a lot of trainings, where she cultivated the Queen in herself.

Then the systemic behavior of potential suitors became clear, who understood that they were not on the same path with the “Queen” - they were of a different “field of berries” ... As they say: “Bunnies to bunnies, elephants to elephants”.

And we move on, perhaps, to the most numerous, diverse, diverse in form fourth group, where intrapersonal conflict rules the ball: “I WANT, BUT I CAN’T” or “I CAN’T DECIDE, BUT I WANT”.

4.1. Too high a price for a long-term relationship with a man

I'll start with an example. So, Julia is a successful owner profitable business. "Komsomol member, athlete, and just a beauty," - as from the famous Soviet film. But she feels lonely, wants a family, children.

At the same time, in a shaky relationship with a man - not free, but not very busy either (married, but his wife lives in another city). Moreover, working in Yulia's business. And some aspects of the quality and results of this case depend on him.

And she has been swinging on these swings for more than a year ...

The price here is:

• if she breaks up with a man, a business that brings high and stable income;
• staying with him is not a fact that they will form a full-fledged family - he is not free and does not want to change anything, everything suits him anyway.

4.2. Repetition of parents' family scenario (rejection, loneliness, divorce, etc.)

Such a female scenario: all the ladies of the family are lonely, but someone still manages to get pregnant and give birth.

Now imagine - such dynamics for several generations. And if a woman wants to get out of the script, and she certainly wants to, then she herself unconsciously regards this as a violation of loyalty, as a betrayal in relation to women of the genus.

She is caught in the vise of the installation: "I am the same as you." And having violated this prescription, it is as if she will be estranged from the clan, from belonging to them. And this is TERRIBLE. Oh, how scary. And it takes a lot of courage to take that step. Not everyone can endure, not everyone has enough resources to gain such freedom.

4.3. Intertwining with someone from the tribal system (this is when a person repeats almost completely or partially the fate of an ancestor)

I'll also start with an example. A young woman is tired of the fact that her relationship develops only with married men And not her religion. And as she herself said, all her men did not take her seriously.

And with free men, she seems to have no chance to build relationships.

She is tired of being a mistress and wants to find family happiness.

In the course of therapy, it turned out that she was connected with her great-great-grandmother, who, in defiance of her relatives, ran away with her father's Turkish hired worker. By her act she dishonored good name father-merchant, and the surname in general. But a blow was waiting for her, her beloved was married, and, having played family with our young lady, he fled to his lawful wife in his homeland. Disgraced, homeless, without money and pregnant, the heroine wanted to return home, but she was denied.

And now I understand why my client chooses men who use her ...

This also includes identification with previous partners of parents who were treated unfairly. Those. a woman or man may be unknowingly linked to a parent's previous partner in order to restore systemic justice.

4.4. childhood trauma

• Stress and disappointment at birth (waiting for a child of the opposite sex).
• Infantilism. excessive emotional attachment to parents.
• emotional break or emotional rejection of parents.

A vivid example here can be "Daddy's daughters" - women who, in childhood, both physically and emotionally did not receive a father.

And the answers to the question are very indicative: How do you feel about your father?

I get different answers, very different. Most Popular:

• My dad is a scoundrel. He left his mother, me, I don't know him (or don't want to know). - What kind of men, you say, you meet? - Yes, scoundrels alone!

• My dad is good, but not mine. She and her mother separated, and her mother scolded him behind his back. We rarely saw each other, he has a different family. I justified it in every possible way. There was a feeling that dad is good, but not mine. - What happens to the men in your life? - They are. They are good. But not with me...

• My dad is good, but there is nothing special to respect. Mom earned, achieved everything, took care of everyone, dad earned less or spent money on the wind - And you, it turns out, didn’t respect him either - No. - How do you feel about men? - Also. I can't rely on them, all by myself...

4.5. "My man must find me himself"

There is such a hackneyed anecdote ...

One man dreamed of winning the lottery. Every day he came to the temple, knelt down and asked God:

- Lord, help me win the lottery!

A month passed, a second, a year… Once a man, as usual, came to the temple, knelt down and began to pray:

- Lord, let me win the lottery! After all, others win. What are you worth?!

- Yes, you finally buy a lottery ticket!

If your life consists of work (especially if in women's team), chatting with friends and attending crochet courses - then you can’t see a man, he has nowhere to come from.

Hence the next point.

4.6. Narrow social circle. (Comments, I think, are redundant)

4.7. Not accepting yourself

Such a woman is in a state of self-flagellation and self-criticism, thinking that no one will love her, plunging herself into a state of despondency, disappointment and even depression.

There may be problems here great multitude, but the key issues are with:

• self-attitude
• self worth
• self esteem
• Confidence
• Recognition and awareness of feelings
• trespassing
• Communication skill

4.8. Incomplete relationship with a previous partner

“If the seat next to you is occupied on the bus, then no one will sit down…”

Here I would like to bring, in my opinion, very case in point. A woman who has been divorced for more than 10 years, very much wants to get married. Her ex-husband already married twice after their marriage and is now in the third, striving for another marriage, relationships. But during all the years of divorce, he comes to his first wife about once a week to help around the house and sometimes have sex ... Is this woman free?

Or when a woman has not emotionally parted with her ex ... The heart begins to prick, it takes its breath away, tears well up in their eyes only when they remember him ...

4.9. Fears (Let's consider only the most common ones)

Negative past experience. Well, here, everything is clear ... "Burned in milk - blowing on the water" ...

Fear of losing freedom, status, or becoming dependent. Some successful, financially prosperous women are often unknowingly afraid of losing their independence.

They may associate family relations with personal dependence on a man, duties related to everyday life, home, cooking, and childcare.

And then the utopian dynamics: “Better alone than in this bondage” triggers thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are a stopper on the way to a long-term partnership.

By the way, only those business women who did not have an example are subject to such dynamics. prosperous family, but there is only personal experience unsuccessful relationships and a bunch of stereotypes about how she, so successful and cool, can be used by men.

Fear of loneliness. This fear drives poor women into relationships like a shepherd of sheep, and, like sheep, women often do not understand exactly where they are running. And they run to where the shepherd needs, but not to them.

Fear of losing yourself, dissolving in a loved one, changing yourself, etc.

I have described the most common causes of female loneliness. What to do with it? For some, it will be enough just to reconsider, analyze what is happening in life sphere partnerships to boldly step into new novel. But many causes of loneliness are not on the surface, but are hidden, like the underwater part of an iceberg block under water. And it is not always possible to rise to the surface on your own. published .

Irina Prystupa

If you have any questions, ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

Before talking about the causes of loneliness, you need to define it, because this concept quite vague and blurry. Usually, loneliness is understood as the isolation of a person from family and society. At the same time, not physical, but spiritual alienation is implied. Even the most lonely person can spend whole days in a crowd of people, but this does not make her more sociable and does not feel harmonious unity with others.

That is, here we can talk not so much about isolation in the direct sense of the word, but about the attitude of a person to his inner world. Therefore, loneliness can be considered as one of the forms of existence. And this form is different and largely depends on life experience and circumstances.

Sometimes people consciously seek solitude to take a break from communication and from others. In this state, what is happening is very well comprehended and the lived life is analyzed. life path. It happens that it is after a period of solitude that a person begins to perceive relationships with loved ones and friends in a new way. Therefore, he acquires a certain amount of wisdom.

Rice. Causes of loneliness

However, sometimes it happens that the period of loneliness is delayed. It can go on for years, and getting rid of it turns into a real problem. But this problem is not at all in the outside world. It sits in the person himself, his psychotype and attitude towards other people.

There are several types of people who are predisposed to a lonely lifestyle. The first type includes those individuals who have biased ideas about themselves. This may be due to some kind of mental trauma that took place in the past. After that, close and trusting communication begins to scare them.

Sometimes a person is inherently lonely. He does not like to communicate much with others, and would love to live as a hermit. But he is hindered by the stereotypes prevailing in society. Living without children and family is bad. Living alone is also bad. Therefore, if a person has no friends and family, then he is considered deeply unhappy. And such a person gets into difficult situation. She strives for a lonely existence, but at the same time listens to the generally accepted public rules and therefore considers himself to some extent flawed.

There are people who consciously avoid intimacy with someone. They believe that trusting others is a sign of weakness. Such individuals have a quite adequate self-image. They consider themselves strong, successful, strong-willed and at the same time lonely, but this does not cause them any complexes.

Outwardly very sociable people come across, constantly spending time in large companies. But they do not open their souls to anyone, believing that others absolutely do not need it.

There are many people who are afraid trusting relationship. Here the position is unequivocal: close communication can end in parting. And this entails heartache, resentment, longing and feelings. And who needs it? Therefore, it is better to avoid spiritual intimacy, then there will be no pain of loss. That is, people are afraid of normal human relations but don't want to realize obvious fact that without parting there are no new meetings.

Often the fear of separation is the main cause of loneliness. But we are constantly losing something and finding something. And this new one can be much better than the old one. But for some such truths are empty sound. It is better for them not to take risks, and when you are in a lonely state, the risk is reduced to zero.

In principle, there is nothing unnatural and bad in loneliness. To be alone means just to be alone. But this does not mean at all that those around you are absolutely indifferent to you or that you are somehow flawed. The only thing is that you have a reluctance or fear of self-disclosure in front of others. That means certain risk. After all, you may not be understood or misunderstood. But this is not at all a reason to fence off from other people, because only by communicating, you can find a person suitable for yourself.

The reason for loneliness lies in the fact that each person sees the world in my own way. However, some people understand this and take it for granted, while others, realizing such an obvious truth, begin to experience the pangs of loneliness. But for some reason they forget that all of humanity is sitting in the same boat. Therefore, it is simply stupid to oppose oneself to those who perceive reality differently. However, everyone lives as he likes, and among sociable people sometimes there are such personalities, in comparison with which singles seem to be real angels.

According to statistics, about 30% of women living in major cities have either never been married or are divorced. Logically, such a sad trend can be explained by the fact that the female population almost everywhere exceeds the male population. In principle, this explanation looks quite plausible, if not for one interesting paradox. You probably noticed that some women who, at first glance, do not have bright external data, a special sense of humor or significant wealth are never alone. They successfully marry, having time to spin novels along the way and drive the surrounding representatives of the stronger sex crazy. And, on the contrary, there is a separate category of girls and women who long time they cannot not only acquire the status of a legal wife, but even start at least some kind of stable relationship. And this despite the fact that they seem quite attractive, smart, interesting and self-sufficient.

In this regard, the only conclusion can be drawn: loneliness is an unconscious choice of the woman herself. And, as a rule, it is preceded by the 10 most common reasons:

1. Past relationships

Many of us tend to idealize our past relationships, especially if they were filled with genuine feeling for a period of time. An unconscious desire to renew a relationship with a former young man provokes your stiffness and closeness before new novels. Men, communicating with you, will feel your lack of freedom, because of which they will not even have the thought of continuing. There is only one way to get rid of this problem: you must close your past in the same way as you close a read or boring book. You should understand that while you are looking back, you are separating yourself from a happy life.

2. Unattainable image

You know that nature has made men hunters and too accessible women bore them. Therefore, you diligently play the role of a fleeing prey, whose attention must be won in all possible and impossible ways. That's just men do not like to make efforts in vain. For your potential partner to want to pursue you, he must feel your interest in him. This does not mean that you should forget about the rules of decency and take the initiative yourself. Just try to be yourself. Show feelings when appropriate, praise the man and subtly emphasize your interest.

3. Search for the ideal

Many women who have lived all their lives in solitude have refused their admirers only because they did not fully meet their ideas about the ideal partner. Having devoted their lives to searching, in the end, they, like in a fairy tale, were left with nothing. And all this because no one real person will not be able to match the imagined image. According to psychologists, most often this problem occurs in women who have grown up without paternal attention. Not having real example family relations, they had to draw necessary knowledge in books and films, where, as you know, everything is more beautiful than in life. If you are also unsuccessfully looking for your ideal, which is still not found, try to accept the people around you as they are, including their shortcomings. Be less demanding of men, because they, as well as we, cannot consist only of virtues.

4. Past disappointments

It is difficult to find an adult woman whose past would not have been overshadowed by universal tragedy, the pain of disappointment and resentment against the once beloved man. Love troubles burn out our feelings for a while and forever leave a mark on our souls. However, these situations cannot be projected onto new relationships. If one man betrayed you, this does not mean that subsequent partners will do the same. If you fail to draw conclusions and let go of the situation, you will radiate incredulity and suspicion, which will not add to your attractiveness in the eyes of potential lovers.

5. Fear of losing freedom

You have been successful in your career and financial well-being. You enjoy spending weekends in beauty salons, travel or entertainment. At the same time, the thought of a serious relationship is associated with household duties and the loss of independence. Maybe you're just not ready yet. family life or maybe you are a victim of stereotypes. If you don't start serious relationship just because you are afraid of losing your freedom, reconsider your views on the example of happy couples. As a rule, if the partners are like-minded, none of them lose their independence, they just become independent together.

6. Disappointment in men

The men with whom you started a relationship did not live up to your expectations. All of them were not reliable enough, purposeful, attentive and smart, which is why you think that men cannot be trusted in principle. However, look around. Without a doubt, there are men in your environment whose behavior and actions command respect. Perhaps the fact that you have been attracting the wrong partners into your life for a long time is the result of mistakes in your behavior? If you allow this thought, try to figure out what exactly you did wrong, and immediately get rid of it. If you row all representatives of the opposite sex “one size fits all”, they will feel your distrust and neglect and will prefer to leave, because no one wants to be guilty without guilt.

7. It's not time yet

You plan to arrange your personal life, but only after you find best job, lose weight, pay off a car loan or move to another city. However, different plans superimposed on each other, and you still think that the right time for a serious relationship has not yet come. And this will continue until you understand that relationships are not a task that can be entered into an organizer and completed in a strictly certain date. To break the vicious cycle of loneliness, simply take the time to rest and relax. And, of course, do not put off love "for later."

8. Inflated self-esteem

Your parents firmly planted in your head the idea that you deserve only the best. However, the best is the enemy of the good. If all the men you meet seem to you not smart enough, handsome, wealthy and well-mannered, think maybe you are pushing too high requirements towards your partner? Assessing all men from above own self-esteem and chasing an unattainable standard, you risk missing a person who could become a reliable life partner.

9. The belief that a man himself must find you

You are lonely, but do not try to fight your loneliness, because you believe that fate will find you itself. However, fate cannot find you because you are closed to it. In order for men to pay attention to you, you must become noticeable. If you live according to the hackneyed scheme: "work-home-meeting with girlfriends", the chances that you will find the man of your dreams will gradually be reduced to zero. There is only one way to help yourself overcome loneliness - start living full life: Go to entertainment places, meet online, respond to strangers flirting. Instead of just waiting, fill the wait with action.

10. You want to get married too much

You have reached the point where freedom and independence turn into a heavy burden of loneliness, which weighs more and more on your shoulders every day. Getting acquainted with a man, you already imagine your joint happy future and are sincerely surprised when your potential husband evaporates, as if he never existed. Your problem is that the desire to find a serious relationship is perceived by men as an obsession that can deprive them of their freedom. Try to pull yourself together and do not rush things. A man should see your slight interest, but at the first stages of a relationship, he should not understand that you dream of becoming his wife.

No matter how hard loneliness is, it is almost always a natural consequence of our behavior. Most often this is due to incorrect subconscious attitudes, which can be overcome only by analyzing own actions and deeds. Sometimes all it takes to be happy is to believe that you deserve happiness.

If you know and understand psychological reasons loneliness, you can quite quickly cope with this feeling yourself, without resorting to the help of psychologists.

Psychology of loneliness: causes and ways to overcome

Until now, some universal remedy from loneliness is not invented. Of course, psychotherapists do their best to help their patients. But, for some reason, not everyone thinks about the causes of loneliness. If they try to get rid of it, then they try to remove the symptoms themselves. Below are some of the main causes of loneliness and recommendations on how to overcome them.

Causes of male loneliness: dislike for oneself

It is unlikely that a person who hates himself will arouse wide interest. Sullen appearance, constraint, lack of one's point of view and many others, negative characteristics. Few will love such a person for the very fact of his existence.

However, such a negative self-perception does not arise just like that, but because of complexes:

• Appearance;
• Mental capacity;
• social status;
• Failure in relationships with people;
• Psychological childhood trauma.

Decision. The problem is solved as follows: on a piece of paper it is proposed to write your strengths and weak sides. And then analyze each. Starting from the strong, see what activities have a great inclination. Studying the weak, try to understand how you can fix them.

Causes of female loneliness: false expectations

The more you expect from a person, the less he can do. The case also concerns intimate relationships too. Here on the face - a violation adequate perception others and the risk of finding a completely inappropriate "soul mate". Because of this, too much time is spent searching for the ideal, and, as a result, failure. And after the first failure, many give up and stop having relationships with anyone at all.

Decision. In principle, everything is simple here. It is only important to carefully consider the search for a "potential partner" and check each one, analyze his actions and actions. Everyone should be given a chance. And it's better to forget about the search for the ideal - ideal people does not exist, all have some flaws and errors. In the end, it is better to engage in self-development and self-improvement. The desire to become better, higher, stronger - for a while will distract from failures.

And finally - do not despair if a person leaves. After all, there are much more “halves” for each than one.

Causes of women's loneliness and appearance Seemingly two incompatible things. However, poorly chosen clothes and slovenliness can be direct causes of loneliness. The solution to these reasons is in this article.

Reasons for male loneliness: false images

In order to attract at least some attention to themselves, people create certain images. These images are designed to mask imaginary flaws or “shade” real ones. Sometimes this problem stems from a lack of love for oneself. That is, a person does not love himself so much that he tries by any means to turn himself into someone else. And if the image and inner content diverge radically, then such a person on his way will meet the wrong ones.

There is a wonderful analogy with a book: let's say a physics textbook is hidden under the cover of a romance novel. In this case, the girl who wants to read love story, will be disappointed to see a tutorial under the cover. And the young man who needs a textbook will pass by the “love story”.

Decision. Self-improvement and painstaking work on the image. It is worth trying hard, working on behavior, changing your hairstyle and image. And most importantly, this should help improve your own image, but not change it radically.

Causes of female loneliness: appearance, manners

Of course, appearance is not important for love. And often there are couples where the young man is more beautiful and more interesting girls. But grooming is important. It seems that not everyone wants to meet a girl or a young man who has bad breath. But behavior with manners should not be ignored: friendly and positive person will attract more attention than withdrawn and depressed.

Decision:

1. It is best to dress neatly and cleanly.
2. Things must be to the face. Super fashionable clothes are not always a good choice. In it, many look not fashionable, but funny.
3. If you can’t create an image on your own, then you can ask the stylist for advice. True, it is paid. Another way out is fashion magazines and constant experiments.
4. Vulgarity in clothing should be avoided.
5. You don't have to hide either. The costume should emphasize the existing advantages and hide minor flaws, as well as stand out from the crowd.
6. Well-groomed should be: hair, skin, makeup, manicure. Do not forget about the figure. Sometimes, by the way, it’s better not to wear makeup at all than to go out into people with heavy and tasteless makeup.

As a matter of fact, all these tips can be found on our website, and then it’s a matter of technology and experiments (anyone can learn this).

And, oddly enough, following them will help get rid of loneliness at least for a while. After all, well-groomed and beautiful girl rarely left alone.

Most complex reasons loneliness psychology: fear of relationships and lack of initiative

Here you can’t get off with a trip to the hairdresser’s. Here you need to "dig" deeper and solve more complex problems.

Cause. Unwillingness to relationships, fear of relationships. Sometimes a person really wants to be with someone just because it's "long overdue". Or “all acquaintances/friends have already acquired soul mates, wives, husbands, and I am still alone”. The reason for all this can be not only fears, but lack of time and a difficult internal state.

Decision. The lack of time is the easiest to “remove”. That is, here is the problem when a person’s work and hobbies occupy almost everything free time, not allowing him to get out for a walk and meet someone. Psychologists advise to step back a little from hobbies and work in order to free up time to search for a lover. At first, this can be difficult - in the free time that has appeared, a person simply has nothing to do with himself.