Low self-esteem, unfortunately, today meets often. Due to the fact that a person is not able to adequately evaluate his own qualities, his potential and himself, he is unable and does not try to achieve something in life. This is where the main danger of low self-esteem lies. It may be stable or floating.

stable low self-esteem does not depend on circumstances, and floating has a dependence on the situation or mood of the subject. People with low self-esteem often cannot understand why the society treats them with disdain, others are not at all friendly in communication, where to look for reasons for such an attitude.

Reasons for low self-esteem

The psychological problem of low self-esteem is often found in modern society. It is sometimes capable of seriously poisoning a person’s life, and if several more negative manifestations personality, then a person will simply be disappointed in life and people completely.

Low self-esteem and its causes come from childhood or as a result of a number of certain events because of which a person has lost faith in himself. An important factor which gives rise to feelings of guilt childhood, is the low self-esteem of parents. It's more about a woman. After all, from the moment of birth, the baby almost completely owns her attention. Since many adults influence children with false beliefs, values, attitudes and principles, all this is necessarily transmitted to babies through behavior and reactions. In cases where parents see themselves as inferior or dependent on others, children feel unworthy, as a result of which they are unable to overcome difficulties and cope with problems. In fact, the erroneous views of the parents are made "facts" of the children's experience.

Sorry, I have no idea what it means to “forgive myself and others”, let alone let go of the past, how to let it go if this is my “basis”, both in the positive and in the negative part, unfortunately. in prostration? Of course, you are an expert in your field, but what do you think: it may be that you are writing advice for yourself in my person, given my situation, assuming a solution to the problem from your point of view (which is natural), is it so ??? if it were so easy to assimilate advice without taking into account those “personal depths” and certainly a huge multi-layered layer that finally formed my consciousness (I’m 21 years old). I have a huge problem in relations with my parents, especially with my father, I assure you that these are not banal youthful conflicts , it was a purposeful mockery of me throughout my childhood, physical and mental abuse (since he was simply bullied in his childhood and the result is clear), he was not actually ... an ordinary existence, he did not help , he did not protect, and the worst thing for me is that he “destroyed” my house and family for me as last stronghold and protection in my perception. From the 8th-9th grade, I finally became convinced that it would be more rational to ignore his existence, stopped all contacts with him, communication, which immediately reduced the intensity of the situation with the family. I suspect that this was the irreparable root that formed another personality (which by the way, according to my conviction, in some way she saved and saved me in that situation).
As a result: 1-complete denial of the father as a person, because I think this is reasonable (because if she doesn’t exist, then it’s just existence and it’s stupid to blame something that doesn’t exist), shame and denial of him as my father, as a family member.
2-loss of faith in the family as a defense against external threats.
3- titanic hatred and contempt, purposeful solidarity of something unacceptable, the desire to use it as effective tool impacts in the future
I described to you part of my problem (I think the main one) with the hope that you will agree - there is no place for forgiveness for individual family members, to monotonously and alternately persecute a child ... this is the highest degree disgusting and unacceptable. What strikes me most of all is the “opinion” of people who have the audacity to say that I am fixated on the past and “devalue my problems as“ some kind of nonsense that happened to everyone. ”I will wait for your answer)

• • Good evening) I read the article “how to forgive yourself.” I won’t say that I understood everything, but in general the reason began to clear up. a counter question about her childhood and similar problems (that is, the roots are really visible from childhood). I discussed this with a friend, I also found an understanding + it immediately became clear that he had almost the same problems, but of course with an individual touch. It was in communication with him I forced myself to catch moments when I can’t “listen” to him and a feeling of discomfort arises - I realized that most likely this is not a desire for evil or failure for him, but a denial that such plans, benefits, etc. (which we discussed) will be available to me and that I worthy ... that is, again, complete disrespect for oneself, and, accordingly, where does respect for others come from. In my opinion and the lack of certain negative memories from childhood I realized that I partially began to forgive myself and others for certain periods in my life. Please tell me how to consolidate success and not give in to more serious past problems, which I am not ready to fight yet???

    • Nikolai, our self-esteem is a rather subjective thing. Sustainable self-esteem is the result of continuous interest in oneself, in one's life, in one's need, and the result of minute-by-minute concern for one's world. It can be rooted and well-established, or it can actively change depending on life's collisions.
      A person who knows what he wants from life depends little on other people's assessments. His attitude to himself, to people, to any thing expresses his interests and is little subject to the influences of people and, moreover, things that he does not need. He feels confident. Confident is perceived by others.
      Unstable self-esteem, self-doubt arise due to the fact that, not noticing and not knowing our relationship to others, to the world, we ourselves involuntarily slow down our internal activity. Then, at the moment of meeting with another person, with any external movement, we find ourselves, as it were, empty. Against the background of this emptiness, any other action, movement, attitude, even unintentional and accidental, becomes for us the only force that leads us - the dominant activity. We find ourselves captured by it, as if hypnotized by this alien life. And sometimes internal, incomprehensible to us, movements in our own body. And then, as if hypnotized, we are only able to obey ... or, resisting supposedly extraneous influence, to act in opposition to someone else's initiative. Or "suppress" their own rejected impulses. Big role in self-esteem and in understanding one's own "I" depends on the personal qualities of a person: character, temperament. There are some simple but right ways how to increase the value of yourself loved in your own eyes:
      forget about how much you want to raise your self-esteem. Too active desire for everything at once often becomes an obstacle to success. Let go of the situation and try to enjoy the pleasant little things. Try not to prove to anyone again own importance. Internal self-confidence does not need additional comments. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Try to evaluate and listen only to yourself, evaluating your own actions. Look for like-minded people. Communicating with people with similar interests, there are a lot of chances to feel your own relevance. Never make excuses.
      And most importantly, switch your attention from problems (coming from the past) to the present. You need personal achievements, your own goals that will captivate you, fill your life with a different meaning and distract you from sad thoughts.

12 years old very low self-esteem
very shy
Perfectionist
I watch series to somehow move away from this terrible world
Nothing works in life
I can't find anything good

Hello. I have had a problem since childhood. My mother did not allow me to take steps on my own, thinking that I would not do it the way she would like. She did not allow me to make friends, except for communicating with a neighbor girl who is 5 years younger than me. almost no one talked to me, because I didn’t know what was being done and how ... I wanted to, but this fear and lack of self-confidence repelled others. I’m 19 years old, I have a boyfriend, I somehow live. The guy is the same as me , just a little bolder. I maintain communication at the university with a group, well, as I walk nearby, and sometimes I say something in an uncertain voice. I have no friends, only a guy. My sister is a friend, since we live together. Low self-esteem, fear of falling, laziness ... I want to achieve a lot, I set goals ... And every day at once, laziness, fear that it will not work out shackle me. Although I have a good appearance, I often hear about this, but fears ridiculed remained from school…what to do?

Good evening! I have very low self-esteem and everything in my life is falling apart because of it. I can't decide what is important to me in this life, I don't know what I want to achieve. I have bad relationship with a guy, I'm constantly jealous and don't trust him. He believes that communication with ex girls, that's okay, because he's sure he won't change. But he doesn't care how I feel in this situation and he considers me selfish. I have a hard time accepting criticism, and the opinion of everyone around me is important to me. I do not know what to do. Unfortunately, there is no way to go to a psychologist, because. live in small town

• Hello Christina. The roots of low self-esteem are rooted in parent-child relationships. Basically, a person with low self-esteem is someone who has not yet emotionally separated from their parents. Separation occurs during adolescence, and since "separation" is a "gap" it is always painful for both parties. Not all parents have the wisdom and strength to navigate this ordeal competently. As a rule, all their efforts are intuitively aimed at not letting the child go away from them. And all the efforts of a teenager, also intuitively, are aimed at separating from their parents.
  This is facilitated by such a mechanism human psyche how to change priorities in communication at this age. If before adolescence all attention and affection were directed to parents, it was also important to receive support and approval from them, now all these needs are directed outward - to their peers, to friends. Now friends become more significant, and it is their opinion that is decisive, and their support is the most important for young man. This is how nature arranges so that a person gets the first experience of communicating with social environment, has learned to establish connections with others - not relatives, in order to create a base for himself for the future - the experience on which he will rely already in adulthood, where he will need to effectively interact with the environment to meet his needs. A person with low self-esteem is characterized by high anxiety and low level the formation of the self-image - that is, ideas about oneself, about one's positive and negative qualities. His self-esteem directly depends on how others evaluate him, which is why he gets into trouble. emotional dependence from them.
  Low self-esteem is programmed to fail, set up for failure, a habit of negative self-hypnosis, multiplied by a rich imagination. Low self-esteem means little prospects for the future. Get out of this state on your own, do not justify your behavior by saying that you live in a small town and there is no way to go to a psychologist. Being unhappy is easier than trying to be happy, stop being jealous of a guy and find yourself a hobby to your liking. Many people cannot decide what they want from life, what kind of activity they like. At the same time, they fall into a stupor, they can think about the future for a long time without taking any steps. However, this method is unlikely to good result. The best way to figure out what you want out of life is to try as many different things as you can. Searching for yourself in life, start with what interests you now. Take a piece of paper and a pen, sit down and write down a list of activities that you are interested in and that you have never done in your life. Don't think about when, where and how you can do it - just write. At this stage, you just need to understand what interests you. When you're done, go through the entire list and choose what you'd like to try today. Treat every activity as a valuable experience. Even if after a while you are disappointed, you will have experience that will certainly come in handy in the future in order to understand what you want from life.

Hello, I have this situation: I am dating a girl and she has low self-esteem. She is 16 years old and she did not have a difficult childhood, her parents divorced when she was 9 years old and after that (I think) her self-esteem was very low. She (although beautiful) drives into herself the idea that she is not beautiful and compares her appearance with the appearance of her girlfriend, guys often write to her girlfriend and say that she is beautiful, they want to meet, get acquainted, etc. She also drives herself into a state of bad mood with thoughts that she can’t do anything and will not achieve anything, although she draws well, and when I tell her this, she operates with the fact that there are people who draw better. She has a passion for photography, but she also says that she is a bad photographer. She is only 16 and doesn’t have much money and she can’t often treat herself to something, not so long ago she gave her a skateboard (a cruiser is a small skateboard for the city), she wanted to learn how to ride, but she doesn’t succeed and she decided to abandon it. As she says, she was “humiliated” in the 7th grade due to various factors of her appearance and character, she had only 1 girlfriend, but at that time they had a fight and did not communicate, after the 7th grade everything returned to normal and they began to treat her well , but she hated them all and communicated only with emergency. Now she is going to college and doubts that she will pass on budgetary framework because he doesn't know much about chemistry. Now we are faced with one problem: I met with friends, and before that I walked with her, she doesn’t know them and saw them for the first time as she talked, she didn’t hear how she greeted her and “hit” her saying “what didn’t they teach to say hello ? (after that he received noble “lyuli”, of course, and apologized), and the girl became shy and left, after which she could not find a place for herself and she became aggravated “ Bad mood and she looks and communicates like a depressed person. Please help, I don't know what to do in this situation. Thank you.

I have such a problem. Low self-esteem is the result of my mother loving my brother more, and I constantly tried to be better at everything in order to prove to her and the whole world that I was worth something. As a result, I have achieved a lot in my life, but still there is a strong feeling that I need to prove to everyone that I am better. I react very painfully to criticism of those people who are dear to me. I can’t refuse, I can’t express my opinion, I’m afraid to talk, I’m afraid of losing these people. All this works against me both in personal relationships and at work. In addition, I am a perfectionist, which is also the result of low self-esteem. What do you advise, dear? Just do not need simplified advice, please. Thank you

I have a problem with self-esteem, it seems to me that self-esteem is falling every day, I don’t know why (when I studied at school I wasn’t like that, that’s when I entered the university there and it all started, the problem arises when I talk to people, I’m afraid that they I'm going to think something bad, that's why I'm trying to hide my emotions well, that is, I suppress myself. please))

Hello, I am 14 years old.
I'm so tight, I think my appearance is terrible.
I like to walk where there are few people or it is dark and no one sees me.
It bothers me a lot.
And find the positives good traits I can't in myself.
Because of this, I limit myself in many ways ....
I can't have fun, act the way I want to
It's hard to get used to people.
I'm afraid of communication.
I think that people talking to me will think how boring, bad I am.
It's already tired of everything.
I want to be social...
And accept yourself.

• Hello Anahit! I have exactly the same situation, but I'm 12. My self-esteem was greatly underestimated by my "friends". I consider myself a fat freak, I don’t know how to cope with this! Because of this, I can’t find real friends, because everyone I meet considers me a notorious quiet person! I do not know what to do…

Hello, I am 31 years old. I have a fear of speaking in front of people, I work in a company where a meeting is held 2 times a week and we employees tell everyone our plans for the week in front of everyone. At the time of the performance, my heartbeat is cleared, my palms become sweaty. And of course, all this is reflected in the face. AT recent times everything gets worse, I don’t know how to be! I am a valuable worker, everyone respects me! But it stops me from living. And even develop further.

• Hello Lera. It is not flight that will help you overcome your fear, but the desire to overcome it. We recommend that you think over your performance in advance, for example, at home, where in calm environment speak aloud speech, while thoughtfully aware of each spoken word. Preparing ahead of time will make you feel more confident in meetings.
  “I am a valuable worker, everyone respects me! But it stops me from living. And even develop further. - You are a great fellow, that you understand what opportunities will open up for you as soon as fear leaves public speaking. Answer yourself honestly: “what am I afraid of?”.
  It may be - the fear of saying stupid things or making a reservation. In this case, your smile will save the situation. All people make mistakes - this is experience. So that there is no fear of forgetting the speech, confusion in words - write a speech and keep it in front of your eyes.
  There may also be fear due to the constant winding up of the idea that colleagues are negatively disposed towards you and will carefully evaluate the performance. It's wrong Subjective opinion. Each person in the minutes of your speech will be focused on his thoughts and his upcoming speech. You will be listened to attentively when you set a goal to surprise with the creativity of your thinking and new ideas. Say to yourself: “I will succeed” and repeat this phrase constantly. Let your speech be short, but each word will be clearly and confidently pronounced. Brevity is the soul of wit.
  There is one more trick - do not wait for the floor to be given to you, take the initiative first, so you can survive the meeting with less emotional costs. After all, the expectation itself provokes the development unpleasant symptoms: palpitations, sweating of the palms. Your speech should sound at a moderate pace, while breathing should remain even. If you chatter, colleagues will think that you want to get rid of an uncomfortable speech as soon as possible. Pronounce consonants and vowels clearly, without swallowing. Your first small victory over yourself will reduce the occurrence of unpleasant symptoms.
  We recommend glycine as soothing and activating in relation to the central nervous system a drug. It will help you "keep yourself in control".

My husband seems to good man. As they say, I follow him like a stone wall. However, this has its downsides. I met him while still a schoolgirl, a child, he is 4 years older, and it turned out that he took on the role of a parent. He always decided everything for me, right down to whether I should dye my hair, financially fully provided for me, in general, I didn’t need anything. At first everything was wonderful, love, like everyone else. And then unfulfillment, self-destruction, laziness, fear flooded in, I recovered a little, from 46 to 49 kg. Well, it started: you got better, you look bad, you cook poorly, you don’t know how, you have a lot of complexes, but my sister is like that, you need to learn from her ... And as a result, I have a lot of complexes that my husband constantly feeds. He just terrorizes me, carrion, compares with his friends and not only. We are relatives for each other, however, to get rid of complexes when constant pressure becomes impossible. Well, what to do? After all, he does not want to change, and does not understand that I do not need criticism, but banal support ...

• Hello Aurora.
  We recommend changing yourself and changing your attitude towards yourself: “I am the best”, “I cook deliciously”, “I am the most beautiful”, “I love myself” and stuff like that. When you internally change, you will better understand yourself and finally decide for yourself: do you need such a relationship where you constantly lower your self-esteem.

  Hello, I am not a psychologist, but in my opinion the most The best way for you to gain confidence is to stop depending on your husband, settle down on interesting work or find your occupation, whoever you want to become and do it, for example, go to a photography course, or an actress, a model. People will like you, they will appreciate you, and your husband will also appreciate you more than ever!

Hello Lavanda, don't be sad normal man does not treat a woman like your husband, I hope the former. Do what you fear. Communicate in the same way with those with whom you do not want to, dosed of course). If suddenly a feeling of self-pity tries to sneak up on you sometime - drive it into your neck) Never consider yourself worse than others, but do not put them higher either. Everything will be fine, that's for sure.

What is self-confidence, what does it depend on and how is it related to self-esteem. How to increase self-confidence and gain self-esteem and self-confidence.

• Hello Alice. Self-confidence is inner peace and awareness of one's own strength, as well as one's own capabilities.
  Self-confidence depends on personal attitudes (“I can”, “I will do it”, “I will succeed”, perception of one’s capabilities and skills. In other words, it is faith in own forces and yourself.
  Confidence is directly related to self-esteem. The more confident a person is, the higher his self-esteem. It is important not to confuse confidence with self-confidence, when a person inadequately evaluates himself and his capabilities.
  A self-confident person has adequate self-esteem, realistically assesses his capabilities, adequately accepts failures, achieves his goals, he is not stopped by a series of failures - he finds other approaches to solve the problem.
  An insecure person has low self-esteem, low self-esteem (appearance, abilities), his chances of success, believes that everything in life depends on luck or a happy moment.
  In order to increase self-confidence, one should engage in self-improvement; realize that no one is smarter than you, because everything depends on experience; self-fulfillment as a person, for example, in your favorite business (creativity, sports), family, achieve career development, financial independence. Self-realized, i.e. having achieved success, it will help to increase self-confidence and raise self-esteem, which will allow you to gain self-esteem and the self-confidence you desire.
  We recommend that you read: And what I have, I am 20 years old, I have never worked and do not aspire to work because of fear and laziness. With a height of 1.75, I weigh 90 kg. And I don’t want to do anything about it, because I’m lazy, and the feeling that nothing will work out (here is the weight, my main “supplier” of low self-esteem). It was also written that everyone has their own in something strengths(cooking, music), what if I don’t have them, and the “greatest” thing I can do is reinstall Windows, install all programs and drivers there, well, I can still android phones flash, but it's not strong quality, because anyone can do it, just by typing a request on the Internet.
  Did I draw conclusions from this article for myself - yes. Will I take advice? Why? Because I just have a huge laziness in my life, I hate myself (because of my body), and the worst thing is, I want to live differently, but I also like my “today's” life to some extent. And all that I do with "today's" life is constantly sitting at the computer. No, unless of course someone calls me somewhere, I will not refuse, but I have no friends, so this very rarely happens. And that's why I don't even know what needs to be done to change at least something with this nasty, so to speak, life.

  • Not everyone can reinstall windows. If you like to work with computers, is there laziness at the same time? If not, maybe this is your calling, which is worth delving into? Also, since you know how to search for information on the Internet, it may be worth looking for articles that will help you become a better person. For example, "My voice will remain with you", Milton Erickson, to start

    Hello. My son (a graduate of 2014) was accidentally offered a job in the administration with an internship just for reinstalling programs ( software). If he knew how to do it, then he WOULD have a JOB! So YOUR knowledge is even very much in demand! He did not agree not only because he is poorly versed in this direction, but because of disbelief in their powers ... Here! So you know a lot and can work. Good luck!

    You need to stop clinging to what you do not accept in yourself. Accept - this is a fact, but not final result, but on the contrary, your current a starting point. Then write down goals that you think are achievable in each area (make friends, start a career, achieve adequate self-esteem...). This will be the first level of goals. You are not satisfied with what you have, and this is a serious reason to start working on yourself, and it doesn’t matter if something doesn’t work out for you - don’t think about it at all, like children learn to walk. If it is difficult to convince yourself that you can do it - remember, you are alone, only you are capable of a miracle, try for yourself, you are now your best and close friend Be kind to yourself - it will help! Think only positively about yourself, replace any thoughts that something is wrong with you, challenge and trust yourself, because you decided to work on yourself. Gradually, in small steps, you will feel that it becomes easier for you. Dare! After all, you have everything you need to love yourself the way you are, or change the way you want!

That's exactly how it's written. Completely cut myself off from the world. I communicate with only one person, and that is because it is impossible to do otherwise. Feeling like a bad copy. You try to get out, but the willpower seems to have left and each time the attempts end in tears in loneliness. It is difficult, but I want to believe that it will pass.

It was as if I read everything about myself, even a little scary, because I obviously have a complete set of reasons for low self-esteem.
It does not leave the feeling that it is already too late to fight this and it is generally impossible. Everything is so bad that any little thing can be inflated to global scope, depression is guaranteed. I tried to talk about this with my parents, but for some reason they brush it off and say that the problem is exclusively mine. I don’t want to go to psychologists and I can’t, it’s scary and there’s no hope for help at all, I don’t see the point, although I try to convince myself that it will help. It will help at least once to look at yourself not through a crooked mirror.

• Everything can be changed, you just need to take care of yourself. Work on yourself every day, even if nothing works out today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, you need to go forward and in spite of everything. Life is cruel and it forces you to fight, so you have to fight. If you want to change yourself, you can try NLP. This is not only a means of programming others, it is primarily a means of changing oneself in the right direction.

  Alexey, we have a similar situation with you. The psychologist helped me. May not be the first time. Although I put off a visit to him for 10 years !!!
  Oh, if only I had gotten to see him earlier and before the start If you had worked on yourself, then the “cure” would have come faster, and the work on yourself would not have been so painful… Do not delay. Yes, it's scary. Yes, you will cry. But ... as they say, it is better to cry NOW at the psychologist than to laugh at the psychiatrist later.

Self-esteem greatly affects a person’s life, or rather, even on whether he can become happy, or remain unhappy. Our happiness depends on inner confidence and our self-esteem. How can we enjoy our lives if we constantly feel guilty, dissatisfied with ourselves and have low self-esteem?

How to become happy man if our self-esteem is low, if we experience fear and guilt for ourselves and our lives? But when will we learn to love and respect ourselves? Well, why should we experience feelings of guilt, unworthiness, insecurity and shame for ourselves, for our life, for our desires and needs all our lives? Is it possible with such a set of people to take a deep breath and begin to live peacefully and happily? Will he be able to move towards what he wants and become happy if somewhere, deep inside, a sort of voice of doubt sits and constantly presses us with his nasal voice: “Where you go, know your place”, “You are unworthy of a normal man, be patient, your mother suffered and you will endure”, “You are just a nonentity, and not a talented scientist (singer, actor, writer, dancer, inventor)”, “What am I, if I were beautiful and slim - then yes. And so where can I go”, “Yes, if I were younger, then of course, and so…”. Yes, with such self-esteem, with such a set of beliefs, can we live happily and breathe deeply, freely, without the feeling that something is constantly pressing and squeezing us? - That's hardly.

If you look at women, then many of the fair sex continue to endure all their lives and silently endure at first childish insults and humiliation, then the injustices of relatives and friends, and then “grows up” to their husband.

But, in spite of everything, each of us wants happiness and love, respect and attention. But internal complexes and fears, low self-esteem, guilt and insecurity do not allow us to enjoy life in full force our soul. So let's start allowing ourselves everything that we have long dreamed of. Or maybe someone has already stopped dreaming? He pronounced a sentence on himself that they say “I am unworthy. And not in this life? Then you all the more need to increase your self-esteem and learn to love and respect yourself.

Don't think I'm not going to write beautiful phrases like "love yourself and everything will work out in your life." No, you won’t wait, I personally don’t understand, but what does it mean to “love yourself”? But on the other hand, I understand specific techniques, exercises and training. Can be found a good specialist and let the psychologist help you if he can. But this option is only suitable for those who can afford to pay for classes. You can also do it on your own. You study for a day, a second, a third - you look, changes appear, you begin to feel as if wings are growing behind your back, and it is not surprising, because self-esteem begins to rise. This is where you start doing it. And it also happens like this: you do it - you do it, but nothing changes. So, this exercise is not yours, drop it and look for your own. Only in order to understand that some exercise does not give an effect, you need to work on it for at least a month, and preferably two or three months. And then, as it sometimes happens, a person wrote self-hypnosis one day, the second, forgot on the third, writes on the fourth, and thoughts about something else. And on the sixth day he says: “No, all these self-hypnosis and visualizations of yours do not work, it’s not mine, I will continue to suffer” Well, here, as they say, to each his own.

So many people give up classes almost immediately, leave everything as it is, i.e. self-esteem remains at the same level, and at the same time they never find their happiness. They do not understand that it takes several months daily work to finally understand what it is, normal self-esteem and self-confidence? What is this feeling inner freedom and strength? What is it like when you are overwhelmed with love and acceptance for yourself, for life, and you finally find happiness in this world.

Insecurity manifests itself in different ways and in different areas of life: at work, and in communicating with people, and in relationships with relatives, and in the realization of talents, and of course, in relationships with the opposite sex.

For example, a man behaves insufficiently correctly in relation to a woman (or does not marry for a long time, although he promised, or he can joke unpleasantly in front of outsiders). Often an insecure girl or woman endures all this, is silent and endures, is offended, but to tell a man and demand from him more correct and respectful attitude, or the fulfillment of promises, is afraid only because of the fear of being left alone. This is how a woman lives, suffering and suffering, but not allowing herself happiness. Do you know what is the most offensive in such situations? This is what, after all, as a rule, the man of such a woman is normal, as they say, at the level of world standards. Yes, but she herself, with her self-doubt, does not allow herself to enjoy her happiness. Feels guilty about wanting to be happy. Yes, and how is it possible? After all, everyone around “suffers and suffers”, does she dare to go against the upbringing and opinions of the “sufferers”, who will immediately throw her out of her circle, she only has to say that she is happy and at the same time happy with a man! Since it is generally accepted that “normal men have died out,” then we will all live and endure this way together. Instead of sitting down and changing yourself, change your erroneous beliefs and programs to increase, as they say, their self-esteem.

For example, start increasing self-esteem, write statements every day that: “I am worthy of love and respect. I love and respect myself for who I am.” . Words can be written differently, the main thing is that they affect the problem area of ​​\u200b\u200bthe person. But how many of us are ready every day, at least for an hour, to start working with ourselves? Just do not need now about "lack of time, fatigue, employment, etc." We know, we went through it ourselves, and there were a lot of excuses, at least write a separate book, but all of them did not make me a happy and self-confident woman. Until I began to get up earlier, until I began to find 10-20 minutes during the day, and until I began to work with my beliefs in the evenings, before going to bed.

Here's another good method, I tried it about three years ago, most likely, it has already been stated by someone and somewhere, I don’t know, but the fact that it is WORKING has already been tested on myself and those people who are interested in why it is “suddenly” in has my life changed a lot? By the way, then, too, after a year of working with this technique, everything “suddenly” changed a lot, moreover, as they wanted and as they wrote down in the diary of desires.

Sit or lie down on soft, cozy pillows, close your eyes and begin to relax. You don't have to do anything special, just lie down and enjoy the fact that you are just relaxing. Then start remembering scenes from your childhood when your parents or one of the adults said or did something unpleasant to you, accused you of something, called names or inspired you with the idea that you were to blame for something. Or that you are unworthy, because: “Stupid, not talented, you don’t understand anything, ugly, and so on.”

In general, everyone has their own “bouquet” of suggestions and bad memories. And here is the most important thing, now try not to fall into that child, but how to get up and look at all these scenes from the side and then tell yourself “I AM NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING”. That is, now you are an adult, tell yourself that little child that he is not to blame for anything, and that these are just unresolved problems of those people who could not solve them and poured everything on the child. And the child has nothing to do with it (i.e. you), he is not to blame for the problems of his parents or the people around him. It's just that he was small then and couldn't fight back. But now you have become an adult and big? Why do you keep being like this big body And with such a downtrodden soul? It's time to pull yourself together and say that now everything depends only on you (yourself). And that, of course, you can continue to feel like a victim and complain about bad uncles and aunts, or you can take it and start changing yourself and changing your self-esteem.

You have become an adult, and now you can talk to that little girl who stood then and did not understand what her fault was. Now you can go down there, hug your little one, put it on your lap and instill confidence in it. Let your parents continue to swear, but now you are with her and you envelop her with your strength from a powerful, brick wall and gradually she stops hearing criticism and abuse, and attentively begins to listen only to you.

Think about what you say to that little girl? What do you say to her in early childhood? Tell her she's amazing. That you love her the way she is. Tell that little you that you are worthy of happiness and love. Say that no one will blame you for wanting to become rich, or that you want to find your soul mate and live in happy family. Say that you like the talents that nature has given you. And you fully support her (i.e. yourself) and believe in her. Etc.

Before you say goodbye to that little girl, remind her that now you are an adult and strong, you will always be there, you can support her in difficult situations.

I think that you will enjoy this exercise so much that you yourself will come up with the necessary words for that little yourself. You will be able to instill love and respect in yourself, and you will finally be able to feel how a huge load, like a block of stones, is finally rolling off your soul. You will wake up the next day with a feeling of lightness in your body. You will walk and suddenly be surprised at the feeling that you have lost a few pounds. There will be a feeling as if a pile of old, heavy, dark and gloomy things were left lying around behind you. And all of them pulled you down and suppressed your soul, and now you are walking in ease, now you are walking in the light and now you know that you can do everything, you will definitely be able to do everything, and everything will be fine with you.

Increase your self-esteem, work on self-confidence, but do it daily, for at least three months, and then everything in your life will begin to change for the better.

Uncertainty hiding behind modesty, low self-esteem hiding behind shyness, an inferiority complex recognized by character traits ...

All these words mean one fairly simple phenomenon - a person's lack of faith in his own strength and himself.

How often low self-esteem and self-doubt have ruined a person's career, and sometimes relationships! Evaluating and involuntarily comparing himself with others, a person finds only flaws and flaws in himself, while underestimating his talents and abilities.

Causes of uncertainty

Most psychologists believe that self-doubt is a condition in which a person, being unsure of his abilities, is overly dependent on public opinion and assessments of others.

A similar condition can manifest itself in a man and a woman, in adolescence and old age, regardless of its social position and financial viability. Sometimes, behind uncertainty lies infantilism and unwillingness to be responsible for some actions, sometimes dissatisfaction with one's own appearance, behavior or knowledge.

When asked where self-doubt comes from, psychologists give a lengthy answer: there may be hundreds of reasons, but the result is the same: they lead to low self-esteem. Among the most common reasons are:

1. Upbringing. Equivalent Negative influence can provide both parental neglect and excessive parental love.
2. life crisis. Divorce, death of loved ones, public quarrel or humiliation - any of these situations can be experienced as a tragedy.
3. Lack of meaning in life. If a person cannot clearly formulate his aspirations and desires, then he loses motivation in life. This is followed by low self-esteem.
4. False Values. In a situation where a person has a substitution of personal values ​​and his life purpose He begins to feel insecure about himself.

Signs of Low Self-Esteem

It is easy enough to understand whether a person experiences self-doubt: all the signs of such a state are extremely transparent and visible in close communication. Insecure person:

• Avoids contact with people, is afraid of being the center of attention
• Located in constant voltage and afraid to make a mistake.
• He seeks approval and praise, but if he is praised, he feels embarrassment and discomfort.

• He is afraid to be the first to approach and start a conversation, he is embarrassed to make a request.
• Constantly compares himself with others, while the comparison, as a rule, signals his shortcomings.
• Slouches and hides behind others.

It is also easy to determine if you have an insecure man in front of you: the signs of male low self-esteem are somewhat different from standard female ones, but are also noticeable. A man with low self-esteem can be hostile, he experiences significant difficulties in communicating with others, with colleagues and family.

For such a person, rudeness in conversation becomes the norm. Self-doubt manifests itself in appearance: such men are most often sloppy and untidy, but sometimes insecurity can be hidden behind an external gloss.

Faced with such a problem, it is very easy to give up. Therefore, psychologists advise starting to act as soon as a person notices self-doubt: both experienced specialists and understanding and loving close people can tell what to do in such a situation.

Among the most popular ways to overcome self-doubt are the following:

• Value your opinion and stand up for it. In a conversation, be able to defend your point of view, taking into account only the words of professionals. Improve and accept yourself.
• Learn to take responsibility. Take it whenever possible independent solutions, not being afraid to make a mistake and accept the result of your mistake.

• Connect with people more carefully choosing the circle of communication. Learn to communicate: talk, listen and speak. But at the same time, you should choose the environment - pessimists or critics will only spoil your mood.
• Praise yourself and let others praise. Find your strengths (keep a diary and write down your positive endeavors). Accept praise with dignity, without minimizing your merits.
• Self-criticism is your enemy. Of course, constructive remarks should be presented to oneself, but without fanaticism. Unfounded accusations must be dismissed immediately.

Everyone decides for himself how to deal with self-doubt, but if long time the chosen technique does not give a result, you should contact a psychologist. At first glance, a minor problem can turn out to be a serious difficulty that will not allow you to live a full life.

An insecure person is an unhappy, lonely and often depressed creature. It is not worth cherishing and nurturing your insecurity, you need to fight it and start believing in yourself - this is quite an effective tool.

Finding a way out will help analyze the causes of self-doubt, analyze your behavior and choose ways to overcome low self-esteem. Author: Lyudmila Tikhomirova

Hello!
I am 25 years old, the problem is that I do not experience the slightest joy in life, some kind of apathy. This mess has been going on for about 1.5 years. Just at that time, she experienced a break with a young man and the feeling that it all started with him, as if to survive this a crisis I could not. I am constantly trying to prove something to myself and to the whole world, and I don’t perceive my successes as something good, rather as a matter of course. Failures grow to scale global problems. Eternal self-flagellation, which does not lead to anything good. Lately, there has been apathy. Don't want anything at all literally. There seem to be goals, I don’t want to achieve them, everything is automatic, everything is slipshod, laziness just reached its climax. Naturally, all this has recently moved to work and personal life. Work that once brought joy has turned into a hell and a routine. I started to mow, of course, this is noticed by the management, from the nerves I mow even more and so on in a circle. There are problems with the current young man. It’s as if I don’t accept him, I don’t see a future, although he, as I think, suits me as a person. He tries everything to help me, he tries, but I don’t even know how and how to help me. It's like some kind of nightmare, to be honest. Not life, but existence. For the first time I decided to address so publicly. And thanks in advance for your answers.

Psychologists Answers

Natalia, hello.

And what would you like? You do not write your request. If you do not know where to sail, not a single wind will be fair. This is what Seneca said. Similarly, if I do not know what I want from my life, then from crisis it will be hard to get out.

This is the first trick. To get out of it, you need to decide on the desires and needs.

The second trick.

Self-flagellation is a sweet thing. In the sense that it gives moral satisfaction and self-justification in the absence of attempts to cope with problems. You fall into the state of the Victim and self-flagellation gives you the right not to get out of this state. Victim - strong position, it gives the right not to make efforts to improve your life.

I'm nothing, so I can't do anything. And you don't have to stress.

At the same time, self-flagellation has a hidden side - the stronger it grows, the more it really devours your strength. And it becomes objectively more difficult to resist him.

Therefore, in order for things to go smoothly, self-flagellation must be abandoned. And to do this, recognize its worthlessness for you, its degrading influence on your Personality.

Cunning the third.

Self-esteem. She needs to be restored. By any means. Trainings, books, affirmations, individual work with psychologist.

Trick four.

All in your hands. Until you yourself start moving towards life, not existence, NOBODY will help you. You can only pay into the light of God on your own. If you want to go there.

And for this you need to decide. And to decide that the salty and vast ocean of life is much more attractive than the shaking swamp of apathetic existence.

You will need courage.

Natalia if you need psychological support along the way, please contact us. I will be glad to our meeting.

Sincerely, your psychologist Irina Rozanova, St. Petersburg

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Hello. Natalya. You have signs of a violation of adaptation to life. Parents build adaptation during the period child education child. Apparently, you were not brought up with a sense of initiative, your own desires, aspirations, but they brought up humility. obedience and strong self-criticism. You were taught to need joys, and not to receive them. start downloading Ellis' book. .And when there is financial independence, you can start personal therapy. Then in the future you will completely avoid such difficulties. Start acting. And your difficulties will begin to be solved.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd

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