No matter how, human relations weighed down by the need to refuse other people. Of course, there are situations when we cannot say “no” (for example, in the line of duty). But still, in most cases, we are given freedom of choice, which, however, we do not always use.

What to do in a situation when another person asks us for something, is zealous, trying to convince us that he is right, but at the same time our points of view do not fundamentally coincide? And somehow it’s not nice to refuse, and you don’t want to agree. It is especially difficult when a person persistently attacks with his arguments, refuting any of our arguments.

Often such situations arise in the plane of manipulation interaction. Moreover, the manipulations are so complex that the interaction takes place within the boundaries of the emotional field. The manipulator does not directly or physically force us to anything, does not shout or be rude. It is not easy to accuse him of ignorance, at the same time he clearly imposes his line of behavior. The “victim” experiences only emotional discomfort, unnaturalness in words and behavior, feels that “something is wrong”, “something is wrong”.

One of the most effective methods maintain freedom of choice and not be influenced by eating broken record technique. Its essence is to defend your position by constantly repeating the phrase (what exactly you want to get or find out). Moreover, the phrase should conditionally consist of two parts: the first is an expression of understanding of the interlocutor's point of view, the second is the formulation of your position. The first part may change, depending on the context of the conversation, while the second is non-replaceable.

In this case, it is important not to switch to another topic, not to make excuses, not to discuss the arguments of the interlocutor, since they do not matter for the content of the conversation, at the same time they can confuse in an emotional net.

For a simplified understanding of the essence of technology, I propose to consider two examples of a dialogue between two comrades.

1. Conversation of the manipulator with the "victim":

- Yes, but tomorrow I would like to rest ...

- Nothing, rest on Sunday! Well, what are you?

“But… I planned to go to a restaurant with my wife…”

– Aha!!! It's clear! Became henpecked!!!

- I'm not henpecked ... We just planned it last week ...

“Well, explain to your wife that your friend needs help. I know you can convince! She will understand!

I think she'll be offended...

- Do not be offended! We are fast - there and back. Do friends do this? Real friends always help, even if it's not very convenient for them!

1. The conversation of the manipulator with a friend who owns the technique of "broken record":

– Tomorrow is the weekend and I would ask you to help transport some repair tools to the country. Do you have a car running?

“Yes, but I won’t be able to do it tomorrow!”

- What happened? What are you doing?

- I understand that you need my help, but tomorrow I really won’t be able to take your things to the dacha.

Yes, we're back and forth! Do friends do this?

You are my friend and I appreciate it! Believe me, if I had a bulla such an opportunity, or if you warned me ahead of time, I would go. But now I don't have that option. I will not go to the country!

Refusing an offer or a request does not mean that you are neglecting the person or their needs. You just stand in specific situation their right to choose and desire. Think of times when people rejected you. They didn't neglect you as a person.

"Broken Record" - good technique in cases where you are confident in your position and right regarding something. In other circumstances, it is wise to use more flexible communication techniques.

The indicated technique can also be used on the other hand, when we want to convince of the correctness of our point of view, to defend the right, especially when it is prescribed by specific norms or rules. At the same time, it requires good emotional fortitude and confidence to use it effectively. And these qualities are best developed in practice.

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A broken record is an extremely effective method, but it is most appropriate where you can rely on legal norms, or in circumstances where you are not dependent on your opponent to a certain extent.

To a certain extent, a broken record can be successfully applied in some family situations. It works very well when you are in a dominant position.

The operating principle of the broken record technique is based on a clear, unambiguous and most concise expression of its requirements. Let opposite side says anything, we will repeat our own - like a needle on a damaged record. We do not allow ourselves to be distracted from our problem, we do not defend ourselves, we do not prove that we are not at all bad and intolerable people and did not create these difficulties ourselves.

But even the most hackneyed record can be given a second life, while decorating your home.

Rejection has more wide application than a broken record. He is in equally acceptable in all situations where you legally reject something. In cases where we are talking exclusively about your moral right and the dispute is played out between close people, it would be nice to be careful in the wording, that is, it is reasonable to limit yourself to one refusal and exclude any statements that degrade the dignity of the opponent. However, a clear and precise no, expressed at once, will rather save you from many more difficult problems than if you allow yourself to be drawn into the manipulation of the other side.

Such is Tomasz's assertive etude, demonstrating the technique figuratively referred to as a broken record.

The uninitiated may decide that if both students turn out to be experts in assertiveness, then their conversation can continue indefinitely, because one will choose the tactics of a broken record, and the other - a permanent refusal.

Maybe I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but it's really important.

Being assertive does not mean unbalancing your marriage partner, and thus yourself, by repeatedly repeating the request Go take the bucket to the trash. Being assertive means being able to decide whether I am reasonable in this moment to be zealous in using a broken record and provoke a conflict.

Emphasize that although this is how you see the matter, you understand that the situation can be mastered by a number of others, no less humanly. meaningful ways. Don't forget to praise your partner for anything worthy of praise. Be sure to agree with everything that at least looks plausible and, in fact, has nothing to do with the problem you are solving. Probably, one could not remind that sarcasm and other manifestations of aggression are tabooed. Actually, we are talking about nothing more than an improved version of the broken record technique combined with permanent refusal.

Meanwhile, it would be non-assertive to believe that now, having mastered them, you will easily overcome all the reefs of human relationships without much difficulty. Such a statement would contain many buts. First of all, you need to learn to understand when and what technique is appropriate to use. For example, it is perfectly acceptable to ask a spouse to take out the trash can using the broken record technique.

Meanwhile, it would be non-assertive to believe that now, having mastered them, you will easily overcome all the reefs of human relationships without much difficulty. Such a statement would contain many buts. First of all, you need to learn to understand when and what technique is appropriate to use. For example, it is perfectly acceptable to ask a spouse to take out the trash can using the broken record technique.

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One of the important manifestations of confident behavior is the ability to resist unwanted influences. Most often, such influence is manipulative in nature, i.e., it is carried out in such a way that they seek to hide its true purpose from the addressee. To successfully resist it, you must:

recognize the very fact of maniculative influence;

systematically defend their interests, not following the lead of the manipulator.

The exercises that make up this lesson allow you to train all of the listed components, the main emphasis is on the third of them.

Exercise "Wolf and seven kids"

Description of the exercise. The game is based on the plot of the folk tale of the same name. Seven volunteer participants take on the roles of “goats” (if the total number of participants is less than 12, then there will also be fewer “goats” than 7). Their task is not to let “gray wolves” into their house (which is built, for example, with the help of a fence of several chairs), but to let in “mom-goat”, “aunt-goat” and other representatives of the goat tribe. Among all the other participants, the roles are distributed so that about half of them turn out to be “gray wolves”, and half are various relatives of the “goats” (who do not know who got which of these roles). Then all these participants in turn come to the "house of kids" and for a minute try to convince them that they are their relatives, not wolves, and they need to be allowed into the house. "Kids" confer and decide whether to let the next character in or not. When everyone outside the "house" tried their hand, the game ends and each character says who he really was - a "goat" or a "wolf". Accordingly, it becomes possible to calculate how many times the “goats” would be eaten by letting a wolf into the house, and how many relatives they themselves left on the street to be eaten by wolves.

Training of confident behavior, if necessary, to convince other people, as well as observation. Good stuff to discuss the signs by which we draw conclusions about who can be trusted and who can not.

Discussion. What guided the "goats" when making decisions about who can be trusted and who is trying to mislead them? What is most important for those who tried to convince the “goats” of the purity of their intentions so that they would be believed? And on the basis of what do we make judgments about the sincerity / insincerity of the people around us in real life situations?

Exercise "Broken Record"

Description of the exercise. The exercise is aimed at practicing the technique of confidently defending one's interests and demands - the so-called "broken record". Its essence boils down to the fact that a person repeats his demand over and over again, regardless of what objections he hears, like a scratched gramophone record, which is “stuck” on one line from a song. Statements are built according to the scheme: “I understand that ... (retelling the interlocutor’s objections in my own words), but I need ... (repeating my demand).”

The exercise is performed in fours, with two people making claims or refusing to comply with the requirement, and two more defending their interests using the indicated technique (2-3 minutes). The rest of the participants at this time are in the role of observers and then share their thoughts on how effectively the technique was applied and what benefits it could bring if it were not a game, but a real life situation.

Here are examples of situations to act out.

♦ You want to return the money in the store for the goods bought there, which turned out to be of poor quality.

♦ An acquaintance persuades you to take part in network marketing: buy a certain product from him, become its distributor and sell the same product further. You want to politely refuse and convince him not to contact you with such an offer again.

The psychological meaning of the exercise. Development of a specific technique that allows you to defend your interests or refuse the unacceptable demands of others, without going over to insulting interlocutors and other aggressive manifestations.

Discussion. What is the condition for the effectiveness of this technique? (Maintaining one's own peace of mind, the fundamental feasibility and validity of the requirements, etc.) When does it make sense to resort to it? And when it makes no sense to defend your demands, but is it better to agree with what the other person offers?

Chapter 11 Yes and No

As we move forward, we discover more and more aspects of self-affirmation training. The next three chapters help bring all this information together by expanding on some of the topics already covered.

How to ask and refuse help

In the previous chapter, we learned how to make requests and make demands by putting extra energy if needed to get results. It goes without saying that you should know what you want before you make a request, although that is often the most difficult thing to do. At the beginning of the book, we talked about the need to really study yourself, since personality traits determine needs and preferences, setting goals, and, finally, the ability to learn how to say "yes" and "no", including to yourself.

We also talked about actively listening to other people. You must also learn to listen to your inner voice. Your spontaneous reaction tells you something, and the inner voice brings it to the level of a universal catastrophe: "What if? .." - and terrifies your consciousness with all the amount of what you must, simply must do, before plunging into the free flow life.

So, you have determined what you really need, now you must convey to someone your sense of confidence, prove yourself ... but to whom? Before a person who can do something to fulfill your desires and needs. It may seem to you that I am saying something completely obvious, but many of us tend to present our needs to others covertly, manipulating people, in the hope that someone will catch, guess our message and fulfill our desires.

For example, one of your employees comes to you with a complaint that she does not understand why her salary was cut, instead of getting information from the corresponding person in the accounting department. Or someone loudly complains into space about those who skip the line, instead of expressing their protest directly to the one who does it, while everyone else is standing and waiting patiently. Admit it - how often have you complained about your son or daughter, spouse, colleague, boss to someone else in the hope that your needs will be miraculously met, instead of taking the initiative in your own hands and asserting yourself, saying "I would rather ..." or "Could you help me...".

All of this leads us to understand how to make a positive, open request or demand. Formulate positive statement with the word "I", which will clearly and unambiguously express your need, desire or preference. Make sure that the tone and volume of your voice, as well as non-verbal communication, adequately reflect the strength of your feelings on a particular occasion.

An exercise
Replace the following amorphous statements with motivating, positive requests.
1. How can I study when there is so much hustle and bustle around? Give me some space!
2. How about working overtime on Tuesday?
3. If only Andrew could check his work before turning it in, it would save us all a lot of time.
4. I am not too happy with how the meeting is organized.

Comments

Try something else.
1. I need some quiet and solitude to study.
2. Could you please work overtime on Tuesday?
3. Andrew, please check your work for mistakes before submitting it to me.
4. I would prefer to be met at the airport terminal.

You have the right to ask for what you want, but remember that the other person has the right to refuse you. The advantage of this situation is that by positively stating your needs or desires, you at least demonstrate sufficient strength of character to defend your opinion, let others know how you feel and what kind of relationship you are with them. This will benefit you in your future relationships with these people.

Reception "broken record"

In addition to directly refusing to comply with your request, others have other opportunities that you should not forget. They may immediately agree (and this is after so much practice in how to get your way, and now you don't even have the opportunity to put these skills into practice!). They may raise objections, excuses, they may show aggression or come up with excuses why they did not respond to your request.

You have several options. You can refuse your intentions (this cannot be considered self-affirmation). If the situation calls for something, you can use verbal and non-verbal means to show strength, as discussed in the previous chapter, or you can use the broken record technique, which is to repeat and repeat the message until the other person accepts. your point of view. This, too, may require a lot of "muscular" strength from you if you really want to move forward in the dialogue, but in theory you can keep a friendly, calm tone, restrained volume of your voice, if you stick to your positions persistently.

Gina warned Angela, the head of the machine bureau, that she needed an important report printed as a draft by Thursday (which was Monday) so that it could be faxed to the chapters. regional branches who should express their comments and suggestions, suggestions and amendments. She gave the handwritten draft to Angela. There was a dialogue between them.

Angela: I'll do my best, Gina, but we have some very urgent work to do here. All typists are terribly busy. I doubt I'll be able to print your report before Wednesday.

Gina: The final report should be printed and distributed before Friday's meeting. I need a finished draft tomorrow noon to circulate it to the heads of regional branches and give them a chance to comment on the text before it is approved.

Angela: Why don't you fax them the handwritten draft? My people are really very busy, I can't promise that we will get the job done on time.

Gina: I understand that you're overworked, but I need a hard copy of the report, and it should be on my desk tomorrow at 1:00 p.m., as agreed.

Angela: Why don't you call a typist for this job from the main office? Or maybe you will invite an additional typist from the agency?

Gina: If you can arrange it, please. But just provide me with a neatly and competently typed copy of the report by one o'clock tomorrow, and everything will be fine.

Angela (sighing): All right, Jean, leave it to me. I'll see what I can do.

Gina: So, will you provide me with a printed copy tomorrow afternoon?

Angela: Yes, fine. Gina: Thank you, Angela.

This dialogue is not absolutely pure example the "broken record" technique, when you repeat your main statement, paying no attention to anything, repeating the requirement over and over again until it is understood and accepted as the basis for action. This conversation probably more accurately reflects the method that many people would be happy to use, since it allows the existence of reasons and grounds for your request, and also mentions details that can help achieve the desired result. The validity of the opponent's position is also recognized here - Gina shows that she takes into account and understands the words of Angela - however, all unnecessary questions that are aimed at making you abandon the intended goal are consistently ignored. You can block such attempts by repeating the main statement and seeking agreement.

Everything related to the above dialogue could only happen if a calm, pleasant, but firm tone of voice is maintained. In potentially stressful situations like this one, it's easy enough to lose control of your emotions, get accusatory, demand clarification about what the other person thinks is more urgent than yours, etc.

The "broken record" is a technique commonly associated with the word "no". The principle is the same as in the above example. First, make sure what you really want and what you don't want.

Formulate your position clearly and thoughtfully, so that your “no” is completely definite and does not leave the interlocutor in any doubt about the meaning of what was said. Use as little "decorations of speech" and unnecessary details as possible to your statement - briefly state the reason for your refusal or apologize if you sincerely regret that you cannot respond to a request or agree to a demand. The secret is to be friendly but stand your ground.

Return to the person everything that you have heard and understood from him, and nevertheless make it clear to him that you intend to stand your ground. The interlocutor will put forward reasons why you should do what he wants, try to show why your position is illogical, use complaints, reproaches and other means of emotional pressure and blackmail so that you feel guilty for refusing him in order to force you change your intentions and give in to his desires. You must make a decision: be flexible on this issue and work together to find a mutually acceptable compromise or cross swords, no matter how positive and benevolent the refusal.
Let's go back to the dialogue above and imagine that this time Angela decided to use the "broken record" technique.

Gina: Angela, here's the report on alternative resources that I told you about. I need it tomorrow afternoon.

Angela: The situation has changed since I told you that these dates are possible - sorry, Gina. I was just about to call you, but urgent work for the CEO of the company is our absolute priority. No, I won't be able to print your report by noon tomorrow.

Gina: What? Why does the chief executive establish such a system of priorities? I told you about the report beforehand and you assured me that the job would get done!

Angela: I understand that you are outraged. However, I make the decision about the distribution of work in my department, and the task of the executive director is more important for us. So no, we won't be able to print your report by tomorrow.

Gina: So what am I supposed to do now? You know perfectly well why I need it tomorrow: it must be sent by fax to the heads of regional branches. I am disappointed in you. How could you let me down like that!

Angela: I could call a typist through an agency to do the job. I will call and see if they can do it for you in that timeframe.

Gina: We all know how good their work is! I'd rather type the report myself! No, you said you would do the job - that won't do!

Angela: Gina, I'm sorry you feel like I let you down, but I'll say it again: no, my team can't print your report by lunchtime tomorrow.

Let's forget for a moment who's right and who's wrong in this situation (yes, I assume you're sympathetic to Gina), but there are times when an assignment from a senior employee or something really important and urgent can be a higher priority than your job. Angela politely stands her ground, apologizes appropriately, understands Gina's feelings - yet insists on refusing to comply with her demands. She offers acceptable solution- a business compromise - which Gina decides not to accept, and so Angela reverts to her chosen "broken record" tactic as a way of refusing.

One point to remember: if you said "no" to a request, it does not mean that you reject the person himself. Keep this in mind, conduct the conversation in such a way that the person feels your respect, but do not neglect your rights, and in the end you will not feel too much strong feeling guilt for your refusal. Keep in mind that you have also been rejected. Another person in a similar situation said "no" to you, but that didn't mean they were denying you as a person either.

An exercise
Now you need the help of a colleague or friend. Ask him or her to choose one of the following situations and role play in which he or she makes a request to you. You must firmly refuse, using the "broken record" technique, calmly insisting on your position, not forgetting the methods of amplifying speech, general settings and emotional control, which are absolutely necessary in order to convey your message to another person. If you think it's appropriate, gently bring in an alternative proposal acceptable to both of you. If such an offer is rejected, return to the "broken record" tactics.

Ask a friend or colleague to use as many persuasion tools as possible to get you to say yes to his request. Below are situations to discuss, as well as some words for your colleague.

1. You know what you're neglecting social contacts with work colleagues, but tonight you want to go home and watch a movie on TV. A colleague says, "How about we go out for a drink tonight after work?"

2. Today is Saturday, the weather is great, you planned to do your hobby. Your partner says, "Can you babysit today?"

3. You are working to the limit, but you have heard rumors that the authorities do not intend to fill the positions vacated in recent times for objective reasons. Your boss says, "I'd like you to add Wiltshire and Dorset to your territory."

Comments
Ask your friend or colleague to evaluate the completed exercise on the following parameters.
Was your voice calm and firm?

Were the words, manner of speech, and language of speech consistent with each other?
Was the word "no" explicitly said? Once or twice? At every opportunity?
Did you provide a serious and sufficient reason for your rejection, or did you overdo it with self-justification?

Did you ever say "I'm sorry"? Was your apology sincere? Are you apologizing too much?

Have you ever smiled at all? you smiled at opportune moments or all the time?
Did you offer an alternative, a business compromise?

If it was rejected, did you go back to the broken record tactic?
Any self-confidence training courses offer next question: "What happens if two confident people meet and both decide to use the broken record technique? Wouldn't that be a dead end?" If that were to happen, they would soon establish a positive interaction and would be unlikely to butt aggressively. Of course, self-confident people show respect for each other's needs and use the methods mentioned earlier to achieve a win-win outcome.

Everyone knows perfectly well what he wants, everyone will be ready to show sufficient flexibility. They will hear each other and ask positive questions to identify disagreements and their causes, to determine how to proceed. They will discuss various options for solving the problem in order to arrive at a mutually beneficial outcome, and if all else fails, they will agree or disagree without hurting each other or feeling offended.

This chapter was about interacting with others, articulating needs and preferences, making requests, and refusing to comply with other people's demands. It is fundamentally important for your self-development to learn to listen to the inner voice that tells you what is really desirable for you and what you really do not want. You must learn to say "yes" and "no" to yourself, to act on the basis of inner feeling and enjoy doing so.

For example, I should start writing chapter 12 as soon as I finish this chapter, but today is the first day of November, the sun is shining brightly outside the window, the last warm days of "Indian summer" have arrived. I want to take my dogs and go for a walk outside the city so that we can use this gift of nature together. So I'm going to ignore all the "shoulds" and "shoulds" and in this case say "yes" to myself - see chapter 12!

Chapter 12 Difficult People

Let's face it - we're not a problem, are we? It's always some other people. If only he were more circumspect, or less angry, or more motivated, if she listened better, criticized less, and stopped whining and complaining all the time, the world would be a much nicer place!

I hope I don't need to explain to you that we all need to take a closer look at our own behavior - to put our own affairs and our own house in order - this is the essence of choosing self-assertion and confident and calm behavior. The point is to learn to recognize your negative emotions and deal with them properly. Like us already seen, there are situations when passive or aggressive behavior may be considered acceptable, but for the most part, you will feel much better if you act confident and opt for a firm, positive approach.

And how do we behave in order to decisively deal with the myriad problems that we face as a result of the negative behavior of those around us? As a rule, we use those skills that have become a habit, effectively adapting them to a specific situation.

I explain: difficult people can create stressful situations, so you can use relaxation techniques to calm yourself and relax your muscles. Rapid, intense fist clenching and rapid breathing are typical in a tense situation, and a conscious command to relax, release muscles, and catch your breath can help.

Remember positive thinking. Whatever "fly" at you from the other person (hopefully not in literally!), you can and should control your reaction. Be mindful of other people's rights, but don't neglect your own. Make sure you are sending an adequate and relevant message with your body language. Choose words that are convenient for you and understandable to your interlocutor. Now you are in the right place psychological mood and ready to interact.

Angry

When people experience a fit of rage and anger, a large dose of adrenaline enters their bloodstream. The event triggers the "fight or flight" response, and if the person is more aggressive, the "fight" response wins. Adrenaline gives extra energy, and this energy needs to be released. If your actions or words caused anger, or if you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, it is you who will have to overcome the difficulty that has arisen.

Responding with aggression to aggression means aggravating and exacerbating the situation, in which case you will not achieve much, except that you will earn high blood pressure and poor health. If your natural reaction is to raise your stick in response to an attack, you must recognize this and learn to control yourself.

Remember that someone else's anger has no direct personal relation to you - it does not affect your essence - no matter how purely personal the attacks may seem. Anger may be caused by what you have done or not done, your attitude and views, but you - your person - remain an independent individual with your own rights. Try to distance yourself from the momentary outburst of anger - get out of the situation and observe, try to listen objectively. Do not feed the flared anger by adding "your firewood" to the fire!

It has been recommended in the past that when you want to intervene or respond to an attack by an angry person, speak in as calm, quiet a voice as possible. This may calm the other person, but, on the other hand, if his anger is still bursting out, such a tone can provoke a further increase in rage. Do you want to hear serious, measured arguments as a response from the one with whom you are now angry? Isn't that annoying even more? Aren't you even more angry with him? Instead, try a different tactic.

Think back to the techniques of matching, copying, leveling, and then leading that were discussed in Chapter 8. I'm not suggesting that you match the other person's anger or copy their angry gestures, but increase the volume of your voice a little, raise his tone to more match the speaker's tone. Acknowledge his anger: "I see that you are angry - I would be angry too if I were you ..." Gradually set your tone and rhythm, reduce the volume and tone of your speech as the situation develops and approaches its end.

You will find that the other person subconsciously understands that you sympathize with him, and therefore he will follow you and begin to communicate in a more rational way. You may need to wait a little while the storm subsides, but by pacifying him, you can gradually bring this person to a safe haven, if you do not judge his feelings, you can gently and gently let him know that you share his emotions and understand his logic, recognize the existing facts - that is, the source of his problems. When both of you are again on an equal footing, that is, in the same mindset, you will be able to confidently and positively negotiate further on the substance of the matter and move forward.

Remember: if all else fails, you don't have to serve as a punching bag. If the other person refuses to calm down, if they persistently cling to their accusatory tone, you can say emphatically: "This is getting us nowhere, we'll talk about it tomorrow" or "I don't want to talk about it in that tone" - and then leave the situation. as it is.

Stayer

This is a person who talks and talks and seems to have absolutely no intention of stopping the conversation and letting you go home or on business. There is a great temptation to use methods of manipulating other people's behavior - to start defiantly looking at the clock, tapping your fingers on the table, yawning in the hope that the interlocutor will take the hint, realize that he is going too far, and leave himself. If you act in this way, it will leave your interlocutor with an extremely unpleasant feeling, he will feel guilty for his behavior. This will undermine his trust in you. But it is much more likely that such a person will not be sensitive enough, and therefore will not pay attention to your hints, will ignore your body language, with which you loudly declare your desire to end the conversation and leave!

So what do you do? You can wait for a pause in his monologue and say something like: "It's good that you stopped by today, because we were able to discuss our affairs and recall old good times, but now it's time for me to get back to work and finish an urgent report..." - and in this case, body language can help most in a positive way. Stand up, hold out your hand for a farewell handshake, as if it were a formal business meeting, or calmly walk straight to the exit, leaving no doubt in the interlocutor that the conversation is over and you are going to leave.

My doctor is very good at this method. He knows how to listen professionally both in medical and in any other situations, but the interlocutor always feels when the consultation is completed, as the doctor slightly moves back in his chair, with a slight gesture inviting you to stand up. Then he gets up and opens the door for you. This, combined with his mannerisms, facial expressions, and caring, sympathetic tone, makes you feel like he understands and sympathizes with you perfectly - and at the same time, he never gets out of the time schedule!

Rabbit

Barry has a serious problem. You are ready to listen to him and help find a solution, but is he able to clearly explain what the essence of the matter is? No, he can't. You have to listen to all the details and details of every aspect of his life and wade through the jungle to understand what exactly is bothering him and what he needs help with.

In such a situation, you will need to apply well developed skills Asking questions so that you can constructively interrupt the flow of the other person's speech in order to establish facts. You will have to go back to clarify some important details, draw your own conclusions and sum up, and then ask further questions to keep the conversation meaningful and focused.

Barry: It's about where I work. You: Where do you work?

Barry: Well, not really where I work, but with whom. You know, I'm on the same shift with Mike and Joe - they've been buddies for years, always go together - I think they even go to the same sports club, you know, that rugby club off Gleethorpe Road, not far from the park...

You: So you're having trouble at work with Mike and Joe?

Barry: Well, it's not really a problem, it's just that sometimes I feel terrible. Maybe it's because of the way I was brought up, but I don't like the way they talk to me. I'm not a hypocrite, but...

You: What's wrong with the way they talk to you? Barry: You know, it's hard to explain. My mother called it insinuations - such mocking hints, something like that. I remember once my mother had similar problems with one woman. I think her name was Mrs Hampshire. She claimed that my mother...

You: Could you give me an example of what Mike and Joe said to you and what was offensive to you?

your boss

I don't think for a second that your boss is a difficult person! He or she, of course, is a model of an excellent assistant and leader, ready to understand and approve of employees. However, for most of us, it is much easier to assert ourselves in relationships with peers and subordinates than to communicate positively and confidently with superiors, as well as with professionals such as doctors and lawyers, and above all with immediate supervisor, director, any representative of the management of our company.

This is especially true if you need to express constructive criticism or give such a person information that he does not want to receive, such as asking for a promotion.

Restraint is caused by the power that the boss has by virtue of his status. He can give and take, influence your future. And yet, most of the rules in this book still apply to your boss, although some of the tricks should never be used!

From time to time I suggest that you practice self-assertion so that if you need to assert yourself as a person in front of the boss, you should remember your value to the company and your rights - because you are a useful member of a large team - in particular, about the right to your own opinion about everything that happens around you, and about your work.

An exercise
This exercise is similar to the one given to you in Chapter 3, except that I asked you to make a list of what you don't like about yourself and work on it. It was much easier than what you will need to do now - make a list of your professional skills, your other talents and gifts, as well as your positive personal qualities. Many people can come up with many negative characteristics, but are embarrassed to recognize their merits and merits. However, you will be amazed to realize how gifted and wonderful person if you just think about it for a few minutes!

Write down about ten of your professional skills - say, business procedures that you are excellent at performing, technical skills, computer skills, knowledge foreign languages etc. (Return__in your mind to your school and college years, as well as to your previous work.)

Then make a list of your talents - perhaps they will be hidden talents, for example, a musical gift (specify what instrument you play, can you sing, do you know musical notation), etc. Include in the list of talents what you can do yourself - say, cook, do needlework - what brings you joy and is great at it.

1________________________________________
2. _______________________________________
3. _______________________________________
4. _______________________________________
5._______________________________________
6._______________________________________
7. ______________________________________
8. ______________________________________
9. ______________________________________
10. _____________________________________

Finally, think about ten of your positive character traits - for example, sense of humor, tolerance, flexibility, honesty. So, here are four already named!

1________________________________________
2. _______________________________________
3. _______________________________________
4. _______________________________________
5._______________________________________
6._______________________________________
7. ______________________________________
8. ______________________________________
9. ______________________________________
10. _____________________________________

Comments
Armed with this positive information, you should gain enough self-confidence to approach important things to your boss, given how important you are in the organization.

It's good to remember all the acquired self-affirmation skills when you communicate with your boss. For example, when you enter an office, stand up straight to look taller, keep your head high as well, look calm and open, do not shift from foot to foot or slouch with an embarrassed look.

Maintain proper eye contact. Prepare well in advance so that you can speak clearly and distinctly. Use the words "we" and "us" to indicate that you consider yourself a team member.

Facial expression should be pleasant and friendly. Know when to leave - your boss's time should be precious to you. Always thank your boss for support, if appropriate - praise him in the correct form. Often people at the top of the pyramid feel very lonely, the boss rarely hears sincere praise from others.

Demonstrate a firm, positive attitude at all times so that the boss sees for himself that you have serious potential to move up the social ladder. As a confident professional, you should be able to:
speaking for oneself while showing respect for the views of others;
calmly defend their positions when necessary;
present your ideas to others, and in an understandable form;
influence without manipulating people;
be able to say "no" when needed - to yourself and to other members of your team;
effectively manage others.

Critic

There is hardly at least one person among all of us who could honestly say that he likes to be criticized, although this greatly contributes to our self-development and self-affirmation, since we must learn to respond to criticism without defending ourselves and without falling into aggression. In human nature itself lies the desire to defend one's spontaneous feelings and wounded pride, or in any way to deny criticism, to justify oneself, to rationalize one's behavior, to counterattack.

There are many types of response to criticism, from positive, constructive responses to devastating verbal attacks. The first step is to determine the type of criticism, its purpose, and then you need to honestly decide whether there is at least some truth in it. Based on this, you will be able to decide how you want to overcome criticism: agree with it, partially agree, disagree at all. Remember, you must analyze the essence, the content of criticism, and not how it is expressed or what you consider the critic's secret goal.

Criticism can be justified, unjustified, or a mixture of both. It can be expressed decisively and hesitantly, it may contain varying degrees aggression - from the lightest to the highest. It is easy to recognize destructive, scathing criticism when the choice of words, tone of voice, and body language are indicative of open aggression, but it is often only after the event that we feel any displeasure or we have belated objections: "Wait, wait a minute ... when she said all this... what nonsense!" It is very important to recognize destructive criticism in time and respond to it spontaneously and adequately, immediately, at the moment of the event.

Let's look at a few examples. In each case, A is criticism, B is a spontaneous response to it, C is a confident response to criticism.

Constructive assessment expressed in an affirmative form

A - "It seems to me that the use of the word "consequences" will be perceived by the client as a threat."
B (defensive position) - "Well, is it possible? It can be seen from the context that it does not mean anything like that."
Q - "Yes, I understand what you are talking about, but what wording could be more successful?"

The assessment expressed in aggressive form

(The situation is the same, but opinions are taken as facts and the person is criticized, not his individual act.)
A - "Don't use the word "consistency". The client will feel threatened if you write texts in this way!"
B (counterattack) - "I used the words you suggested, it was you who wrote the word "consequences" twice in your letter to Mr. Smith!"
B (clouds1 and begins to defend himself) - "Perhaps you are right, I could formulate this thought more successfully. However, I believe you correctly perceived the general tone of my letter. I am quite satisfied with the document."

Criticism you strongly disagree with

A - "You look like a complete slob, your shirt sticks out from behind your belt!"
B (aggression) - "Mind your own business. I dress the way I like!"
B (resistance of aggression and self-defense) - "I do not agree with you. I think that I dress quite fashionably and well."

Notice the difference between "I disagree" in the latter case and the statement "You're wrong". What impact will each of these statements have on you if you hear it from your interlocutor? Self-affirmation is also the choice of acceptable terminology in each situation.

Let's see how fogging works in practice.

Tom: You turned this interview into a complete mess!

Harry: You're probably right, I could handle it much better.

Tom: You've given the candidates too much scope without defining the selection criteria.

Harry: You got the gist of it, I should have been more blunt and precise in my questions.

Tom: And why did you tell them about Niwell's projects? Harry: Did I mention it?

With fogging, you avoid having to argue and object or agree with criticism by simply acknowledging that the other person may be right. You choose non-resistance tactics so that the other person cannot make vigorous arguments against you. If you are comfortable using the fogging technique, you can fall into the special trap of losing your sense of real criticism that you should agree with. You know that you can handle any criticism without getting into a fight or making critical decisions, avoiding both self-defense and aggression.

You can learn a lot about yourself by analyzing how you usually respond to criticism. Negative peer review can help you figure out what your true attitudes are, what your actual performance is, what relationships have gone awry, who is angry with you, and why.

A negative assessment forces you to take the initiative - to ask questions to clarify what the essence of the complaints is, to clarify the essence of your behavior, to learn more about what you need to learn, to understand how you offend or tire others.

Ann: ...So you're angry that I'm pushing you too hard and bossing you around too much. Have you ever been dissatisfied with my decisions before?

Bee: Well, yes, since you mentioned it. I felt that you were underestimating and belittling me when you told Mary to go to dinner. She is a member of my team, it is my right to determine her work schedule.

Ann: I understand why you're angry, it won't happen again. Is there anything else you would like to say about when I interfered with your rights as a leader?

Bee: You could slightly change the tone in which you give instructions.

Ann: I don't understand. What's wrong with my tone?
...And so on. This example shows how a manager can listen to constructive criticism from one of their subordinate managers. It is also an example of how you, as a manager, can provoke your boss into helping you improve your performance. In other words, you can use negative ratings in relations with equal, higher and lower employees. If you know how to control your emotions, you have excellent self-control, you are confident in yourself, occupy a certain position that suits you in the team, you will be able to successfully use negative assessments to achieve positive results in communication and the development of personal and business relationships. You can learn a lot and learn new things about yourself if you encourage those who criticize you and give a constructive assessment of your activities and your actions.

An exercise
No comments will be given to this exercise, because the answers depend entirely on your attitude to the proposed situations, on what kind of reaction you have, that is, do you like the fogging technique or do you think that you need to categorically disagree with the statement or accept part of the criticism. Remember to answer using first person pronouns when appropriate.

Your boss: You've taken on too much.

Your colleague: You are too lenient towards your subordinates.
You: _________________________________________________
Your partner: You never do what I want.
You: _________________________________________________

Chapter 13 Difficulties

Final chapter is devoted to analyzing situations in which you have to initiate what is sometimes called difficult interaction - say, to criticize other people. It also touches on other areas where assertiveness skills are important and necessary, especially for managers, such as attending and delivering meetings and presentations. All this remains a serious problem, despite a large number of manuals devoted to these issues, since nowhere is an analysis of the underlying problems and role characteristics underlying such situations provided.

Criticism

First of all, think about why you criticize the other person. Does he spontaneously irritate you, do you want to “hit” him so that you yourself feel better for a while, or do you have constructive reasons: do you want to work together to change behavior or attitudes that will benefit both of you? Of course, a self-confident person always works on the basis of the latter factor and the corresponding system of criteria.

Criticizing is just as stressful as listening to criticism—often more so—and it requires just as much preparation. Relax, tune in to positive thinking, remember all the needs and feelings of the other person. Use all the skills of self-affirmation, and everything will go well. You may not be the most popular person of the month this time, but it's much more beneficial to tune in positively to the right state before criticizing. You may not be loved for it, but you will certainly be respected, even grateful, because you will help someone improve productivity, improve behavior or attitudes.

Let's go through the stages of criticism, step by step.
1. Carefully choose the time and place for criticism. It's usually best to criticize right away, factually, so that the person knows exactly what you're talking about and doesn't have to rummage through their memory looking for an answer. However, if other people are present, make sure you can step aside so that you can talk privately and quietly. Provide sufficient time to discuss the topic. Do not call, for example, an employee to your office five minutes before lunch break. His attention will be scattered due to the feeling of hunger and the feeling of injustice, since he is criticized in his spare time, and not during working hours.

2. Take care of suitable environment. Are you both sitting or standing? Are you sending adequate information in non-verbal language?

3. Do you want to "soften the blow" or make the criticism as harsh and demanding as possible? If you chose the first option, you can start the conversation with a phrase like this: "I admit that you have a lot of interesting ideas, however ..." Such a remark or mention of some positive achievement or setting a person will make the conversation more relaxed. For example, you might say at the beginning, "I'm very pleased with the way you deal with clients. However, I sense that you're having a serious problem with office work - am I right?" Make sure that the positive introduction to the criticism is sincere, and not an invented "honey spoon" before the "bitter medicine".

4. Use the word "I": remember that it is you who want to change something in a person, and not vice versa. "You" sounds like a guilty verdict and sets the person in a negative mood, for example: "You should focus on getting your paperwork in order." The word "I" makes your message more rational, as you take responsibility for making changes in the other person's behavior, for example: "I would like you to give more attention clerical work."

5. Specify precisely and specifically what you are dissatisfied with in the behavior of a person. Don't generalize. Talk about facts, not opinions. Comment on behavior, not personality.

6. Don't be afraid to get emotional if it helps the other person get an idea of ​​the strength of your feelings towards the subject matter. It could be something like, "I'm outraged that I have to tell you about this..." or "I was furious when...".

7. Use silence. After pronouncing the main criticism, which of course must be honest, clear and reasonable, give the person a chance to answer you. He may need time to think about the answer. Don't be afraid of silence, don't try to fill it up by constantly asking questions or speaking out, as this will only reduce the power of the main criticism.

8. Be persistent, using the broken record method if necessary. Explain what you want with an example of alternative behavior. If appropriate, clarify the positive aspects of the desired change and/or possible consequences disagree with your request.

9. Always try to keep the conversation on a positive note. Once you are sure that you have been heard and understood, once you have agreed on some changes, say something like this: "I am very pleased that we both understand each other. Now tell me about the contract with such and such a company that you prepared - I heard things are going well there."

compliments

We are often quick to criticize but slow to praise. We are constantly pointed out to our mistakes, but if we do something well, it is taken for granted. Recognize and celebrate a job well done, thank people who take the time to listen to you, praise on your own initiative, without external causes, give credit for extra effort to improve quality, etc. Don't take for granted the food that appears in front of you every evening, or the fact that your car's tires are somehow miraculously always get pumped up, so you just don't notice when it's done. Thank your partner for caring. Do not ignore your subordinates who bring you mail, wait at the table, drive the car to the specified place, etc.

Praise and gratitude have long-term consequences. Even if you have to criticize a person, your comments will sound more valid if everyone knows that you can evaluate not only negatively, but also positively.

Some people admit that they find it difficult to compliment others about their appearance or behavior. This is especially true of members of the opposite sex, as your intentions and words can be misinterpreted. But that doesn't change the fact that most people are happy when their efforts are noticed and credited, so practice giving sincere compliments.

If you hear a compliment addressed to you, gently express gratitude for it, accept it as a gift from the person, for example: "Thank you, this thing is a Christmas present from my son, I also really like it."

Asking for a raise or
promotion

In Chapter 12, we briefly discussed the issue of confident communication with the boss. If you are well prepared, building harmonious relationships and ensuring that your contribution to the common cause is recognized and highly valued, such a task as asking for a raise in salary or status will not be too difficult for you. You can plan a conversation with the boss in advance and rehearse your message. Arrange a meeting, warning the boss that you have a personal conversation with him that is very important to you. Depending on the level of your relationship, this could be a formal meeting in his office or a conversation over lunch at a local coffee shop. To get started, just make an appointment. Do not start discussing the upcoming topic in advance, otherwise you may lose your arguments in vain.

You will need all the acquired skills of self-affirmation - the ability to present yourself well, maintain direct visual contact, show with your whole appearance and facial expression that you are confident in yourself and are disposed to mutually beneficial contacts. You will need to use language that is specific to your boss, matching his tone and mannerisms. You must give him the opportunity to answer you in detail, and listen carefully to everything he tells you. And most importantly, you must be able to "sing your own praise" - and this is what with with great difficulty given to so many of us.

You should demonstrate why you deserve a raise or a promotion, and provide examples of a job well done by you, especially highlighting times when you have made a significant difference to the organization. If you show by word choice, voice and intonation, body language that you serious man that your request is important to you, you will dramatically increase your chances of success.

If you get immediate consent, great. But do not be discouraged if the boss does not rush to such a decision. In fact, he may need time to think about your request or discuss it with higher management. However, you must be persistent, ask for the next meeting, during which you can bring some more arguments in your favor, which you will "hide in your sleeve" for the first time. Main principle is that if you are valuable employee, but this has not yet been realized by management, you must push the leadership to understand that it is time for you to find a more suitable place in the organization, transfer to a more profitable position. Of course, you shouldn't threaten or demand. Your boss should make the decision himself.

If you didn't succeed this time and get what you wanted, take the opportunity to ask your boss what you need to do - what additional skills or professional experience you need to acquire - in order to deserve a raise in the future or promotion. Ask when your position might be back subject of discussion, ask your boss for an approximate date.

Remember that your boss may be limited in what he can offer you. But in any case, you should demonstrate your strong determination to raise productivity and desire to grow at work. Remember that it is just as important to end a meeting positively as it is to start it. Do not show your disappointment, thank the boss for the time he gave you, smile. Leave the office with your head up, with a confident step.

Perhaps you are not so ambitious man, but still you should use the chances to improve your status and financial situation, and for this you must always make efforts in your work to be ready to declare yourself at any time. Either way, the rules are always the same. Prepare well for the conversation, explain what you need and why, use the language that your boss speaks.

Job interview

If two people are being interviewed, both having roughly the same skills and experience, but one is not confident and the other is quite confident, who will be more likely to get the job they want? So isn't it worth it to develop your self-affirmation skills? If you come across as calm and self-confident, behave correctly during the interview and know how to present yourself with better side, you have much more possibilities win over interlocutors and become in their eyes the best candidate than someone who underestimates himself and belittles his abilities. Plan ahead. Think again about the exercise in chapter 12. You have hidden talents and qualities of character, and you have acquired a wide variety of skills over the past years.

Reread the list of your talents that you have compiled and choose the parameters that you would like to emphasize during the interview. This, if nothing else, will be the basis for a radical increase in your self-confidence. Think about the likely questions that you might be asked during the interview, think about how you can answer them, emphasizing your strengths as much as possible.

For example, the interviewer might ask you why you should be offered the job. The question can be formulated in different ways, but something like this is sure to be asked at interviews. You can answer something like this: "I believe that my previous experience in ... the skills I have acquired in the field of ... my professional training... will allow me to become a useful employee of your company and contribute to the common cause."

When it comes time for an interview, don't forget to dress appropriately and take care to make a good appearance that matches the status you're applying for. Confidently enter the room, greet the employees of the company with a smile. Shake hands only if the interviewer suggests doing so, otherwise sit down immediately in the chair offered to you, making sure you feel comfortable, calm and able to focus on the conversation. Remember the importance of positive body language, which is shown in the way you sit, the way you place your hands, etc. Watch your gestures and mannerisms, resist the temptation to be nervous and show your insecurity or fear.

During your first meeting, listen carefully to the names of the interviewers, especially if you didn't know them before. Names are very important to people, and if you remember them and use them at the right moments in a conversation, the feeling self-importance your interlocutors will increase and you are more likely to make a favorable impression on them. In a formal situation, even if you know one of the interviewers personally, like Sally in marketing, show her respect by using her full name or title until you are directly offered some other form of address. Likewise, if someone you didn't know before calls himself Marcus King, refer to him during the interview by name and position.

Maintain eye contact with every member of the firm present, regardless of who asked the question. He is asking you on behalf of the whole group, so address your answer to all employees.

Answer the questions briefly and specifically, indicating only the most necessary details, without which the answer will not be complete, and taking into account what you want to produce good impression and highlight your strengths. If necessary, ask interviewers if they would like more information on the subject.

If you are asked a discriminatory question that you prefer not to answer (for example, if a woman is asked what she will do if her child is ill, men are usually not asked such questions), say something like: “I don’t understand you, please explain , meaning of the question.

If the interviewers are inexperienced in this field and ask you vague questions, help them by providing more information than just "yes" or "no". In fact, this is an ideal opportunity to take some of the initiative into your own hands and communicate everything that you consider most important about yourself.

Do not leave the interview without providing all the important and necessary information about yourself, which can provide you with desired job. If you are unable to do this during the questions, take the opportunity to say at the end of the interview when you are asked: "Do you have anything else to add to our conversation?" - and state: "Yes, but before I do that, I would like to briefly return to the previous question ..."

If you are told about the end of the interview, but do not say what will be next steps, and if you really want to get this job, you can say something like this: "By the way, Mrs. Smith, I have two more weeks to work at the previous place, but immediately after that I'm ready to start working for you." This may seem a little straightforward, but in any case, you will not hurt the enthusiasm and desire to join the organization.

Presentations

It is not within the scope of this book to discuss external form and structure of presentations, but it is very useful to pay some attention to the manner of behavior. If you are not a true master of writing in the same style and tone as you speak, reading pre-written text will make your presentation too formal and dry. Be yourself, use the same vocabulary and style of speech that you would use in a casual, informal conversation. The audience wants to make sure that you like it, that you understand it.

We are speaking in short sentences using the words that come to mind. If you write down your thoughts and ideas, you will try to formulate them more correctly from a grammatical point of view - as if you were writing an essay in the hope of getting the highest mark. I have tried to write this book in a conversational manner, as far as possible, but nevertheless I have tried not to neglect the rules. literary speech, because some turns, quite appropriate in conversation, sound too familiar when you see them printed.

Rehearse your presentation well at the presentation, take notes with you to be sure, but if possible, try to speak freely with your listeners, strive for naturalness and ease of speech.

Dress appropriately for the occasion, choose clothes that you feel comfortable in and that give you confidence. How you look - how you feel and perceive yourself - on a non-verbal level has an impact on your audience, because it conveys a specific message.

You need to know your audience and remember that the choice of words should correspond to the level of knowledge and experience of those who will come to listen to you. Try to overcome nervous tension and the state of fear through relaxation techniques. Understand that absolutely everyone is nervous and a little adrenaline will help make the presentation brighter. Tell yourself that you will handle the situation no matter what happens.

Present your presentation with energy and enthusiasm. Vary the pace of your speech and the way you present it to keep your audience interested. Enrich (moderately) your presentation with associations and anecdotes, this will make the presentation more lively.

You can always find one or two people in the audience with whom you get on the same wave, and it is tempting to make direct eye contact only with them. Of course, the support of the listeners always inspires us and gives us confidence, but still, you must pay attention to the entire audience. Try to maintain eye contact with as many people in the audience as possible.
End your presentation on a high note, and then invite the audience to ask questions.

Now we return to the content of the previous chapter - dealing with difficult people - because the questions may be very difficult for you. You can prepare for some of them if you know your subject matter and audience well. If you know your subject inside and out, you will be able to answer qualified questions, if the content of the question seems doubtful to you, do not be afraid to object, express a different point of view.

You don't have to worry and feel like you've missed something during a presentation if you're being asked questions to the point! It is very important, especially if you are stressed, to listen carefully to what was said, without trying to substitute a different meaning or "guess" the person's thought, do not get ahead of the one who asks you the question, listen to the end. Keep your answers short, clear, and as specific as possible; don't make an extra presentation.

If necessary, take time to think about your answer, going back a little, as if clarifying the general context, for example: "This is very significant moment, let me show that I have presented it quite fully. Do you know that?.."

Don't let us trap you into talking to just one person in the audience. You can end this conversation by saying, "Obviously we both have something to say to each other about this topic, maybe we can continue our conversation over coffee?"

If a question knocks you down - you really don't know what to say in response - say so. Tell the person who asked the question that you will try to find an answer and communicate this information to him or her (and be sure to do so!), or offer to send him or her material to read on the topic that may be useful.

If someone present speaks and speaks without asking specific questions, you can say to this person: "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we have enough limited time, and therefore I would ask you to formulate the essence of your question.

If the listener is openly hostile, treat him like a normal angry person. Immediately name the fact out loud: "I see that you are very seriously hurt" or "I see that you are extremely concerned about this problem" - that is, recognize the human right to hostility as a normal human experience. Give him a chance to speak until his anger subsides, then you can move on to a rational conversation at the level of facts, not opinions.

Above all, remember that you must be in control of the situation. This is your presentation, this is your information, you control the pace of the conversation, you can change the direction of the discussion. Whatever happens, you can handle it.

Meetings and appointments

Meetings and meetings, regardless of whether they are held on a bilateral or multilateral basis, occupy a large place in the business life of any manager and leader. Good communication skills are essential - the ability to influence, persuade, listen, give advice - as well as the ability to develop relationships and maintain good will to cooperate among employees of your own company, suppliers, customers and consumers. All this, taken together, is the self-affirmation of the leader.

A manager who does not know how to assert himself may miss opportunities, his desire to please may take precedence over his desire to act effectively, concern for the feelings of his team members can obscure the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat is best for the team and the organization as a whole. An aggressive manager can achieve immediate, short-term results, but undermine his team's long-term trust and willingness to cooperate. Let's first look at your role as a participant in a meeting or meeting. Unless you have a fixed seat, try to sit closer to the chairman.

Ever since the Middle Ages, the status of a person was largely manifested in what place he occupied in the assembly. The dearest guest, the most Respected man will always sit next to the owner or leader. Moreover, the most important and confidential conversations are also conducted in the presence of the chairman or near him. The further away you are, the less likely you are to contribute to the discussion of the topic. On the other hand, if you are not too confident in your position or do not want to speak out on a specific issue on the agenda, you will still find yourself "in the thick of things." Participation as an active listener is much easier when you are seated closer to the chair than when you are at the opposite end of the table, on the fringes of events.

In terms of spatial positioning, keep in mind that being face to face can feel like a confrontation. This can add a special tone to your presentation in discussions and its perception by others. It is preferable to be "in the same row" with your allies in this or that issue, and not opposite them. Remember also that group dynamics can have very strange effects on people. They behave differently as a "group" and one by one.

Listening to interlocutors is a much more difficult problem during a meeting than in a face-to-face conversation. This happens because everyone in the assembly wants to speak out, to contribute to the formation of a common opinion, and therefore everyone is looking for a convenient situation to interrupt the speaker and say their word. Thus, simply sitting and listening carefully to the speakers is not effective enough. You must consciously practice active listening if you are going to attend meetings frequently.

You will also need training in asserting your own point of view, the ability to clearly, clearly and energetically articulate your opinion. If you have information, give facts, not opinions. If you do not agree with the previous speaker, respect and acknowledge his point of view, even though it differs from yours, state it in no uncertain terms before making your own contribution to the discussion of the topic. Avoid remarks such as "That's a ridiculous idea", they add flavor personal assessment. Instead, you can say: "I'm a little worried (embarrassed) by this sentence because...". Always try to make an alternative suggestion and not just criticize what others are suggesting.

If you are attending an informal meeting - in other words, you do not have to get permission to take the floor from the chairman of the meeting - and you need to interrupt an aggressive speaker, remain calm and wait for an opportunity to intervene gently and without adding further annoyance. Use effective body language to make it clear to everyone that you want to contribute to the discussion of the issue, and if necessary, use the speaker's name to get their attention - something like: "Peter, I would like something what to add to your words.

Start speaking at the same volume and intonation as the previous speaker until you take matters into your own hands. By recording what Peter said, show that you listened carefully and understood his point of view: "I think I understood what you are saying - you think ... but I think there is another way to look at it." If Peter's aggression is at its peak, you may have to intervene several times in this way, all the while using his name and demonstrating the "broken record" technique of repeating your comment until the person calms down and gives you a chance to make your point. Usually positive, firm perseverance prevails.

There are many aspects of good meeting management that are beyond the scope of this book.
The issue that we will briefly address is the human aspect of successful meetings and meetings. It includes the actual conduct of the meeting, choosing and maintaining a certain direction in the discussion of topics, questions, debriefing, and sometimes acting as an intermediary between the parties. You must understand and accept the interests of the group as well as its individual members. For example, it is very important to start a meeting on time, if only out of respect for the punctual attendees. Consider the existence of latecomers, but do not allow yourself to be influenced by them. They will soon learn punctuality, which will be considered the norm of politeness within this group.

It is the Chair's responsibility to ensure that all who wish to contribute to the discussion of the topic are able to do so. This poses at least two problems for him: how to engage passive, overly quiet participants in the discussion, and how to control overly talkative ones!

There are several reasons why people are silent in meetings. Not least among them is the fear of public speaking. For someone with no experience public speaking and not knowing how to do it, the prospect of standing up and speaking out in front of an audience is often daunting.

People are just being shy. They may have their own points of view on the subject, but they will not feel safe, and therefore will avoid speaking their opinion out loud. They can become bolder if they are asked directly, especially if they are addressed by their first names, what their views on the topic are. Better yet, ask them to make a suggestion to improve their department, or working group. This gives them a reason to speak out on a topic that is familiar to them, and therefore probably less dangerous - in any case, it is always easier to make a proposal than to publicly express your opinion.

When too timid person starts to speak, show interest in his words (this is not the same as agreeing with them) to support him and inspire him to further participate in the conversation.

If the meeting participants are at different levels in the hierarchy of your organization, lower-level employees may behave timidly, because they are hesitant to express their opinions in the presence of management. If it is possible for you, give them a chance to present information or express an opinion in front of the group before the higher-ranking staff speak. As with shy people, try to encourage and encourage junior employees to contribute to the discussion.

If someone talks for too long, use the good old chair trick of picking up a phrase or idea and inviting another meeting participant to comment on it.

For example: "Minimum limit. David, what do you think of the minimum limit?" The only difficulty here is knowing your people and making sure that David won't be horrified to be invited to take part in a conversation in this way. If you have doubts about this, it is better to ask: "Does everyone agree that this is the maximum acceptable minimum?" - and hope someone takes the lead.

If a meeting participant digresses from the main topic, help them save face by saying something like: "That's an interesting point of view..." - and then continue: "However, this is beyond the scope of our debate, so let's postpone this conversation until next time" .

Body language can often help you stop the flow of an overly verbose speaker, but it's a good idea not to tap your fingers impatiently on the table, as this is too aggressive a gesture.

It's much more appropriate to make direct eye contact with the speaker and give him a quick nod to show that you understand his point of view and want to move on. Calmly shift your gaze to someone else in the audience, as if disconnecting from a talkative participant in the meeting, before raising a question requiring an immediate answer, in the hope that the other person you have glanced at will join the conversation.

Always be ready to intervene if two meeting participants get into a fight, if they get personal, or if a small group gets into private conversations. Changing the direction of the discussion or topic at such a moment is the best technique. Pick factual questions, bring the whole group back to the original goal, switch people to some neutral aspect of the topic. Sometimes it takes a little preparation to get attention. A generally loud and hard-sounding but calm voice is all that is required of you. Stay in a positive, determined mood, do not fall into aggression and bossy tone. Remind the meeting participants of your main objectives, the issues to be discussed and, if necessary, the time limit.

Practice observing people. If someone shows through body language that he disagrees, is angry, is unhappy with the course of the discussion, call a spade a spade: "Janet, I see that you are not happy with this proposal." In this case, Janet will be forced to express her opinion aloud and argue it. If hostility arises, it is best to take it down openly and then move on.

End the meeting on a positive note, summarizing the results achieved, and don't forget to thank the meeting participants for taking their time and contributing to the solution of the problem.

An exercise
The following examples dialogues demonstrate a lack of self-affirmation skills. What is wrong with them? Which approach would be more successful?

1. Criticism.
- What do you mean when you say that I'm always late?

2. Compliments.
- The vacation did you good - you look really good.
- You must be joking. I've been back to work for a week now and I feel completely exhausted.

3. Interview.
Why should we offer you this position?
- I do not know. Perhaps other candidates are more suitable for you, but for me it would be a great success.

4. Presentation.
- You are obviously upset by my ideas about this type of product, but what, exactly, is your question?

5. Meeting.
- Peter, you talked a lot, but didn't really say anything. Either make a specific suggestion, or give other people the opportunity to express their opinion.

, 2 , 3 (part 1). 3 (part 2)
Chapter 4 - Parents' Favorite Mistakes
Chapter 5 - part 1: attention, perception, how to cheer

We read, criticize, find interesting thoughts.

Broken record method

Repeat the same requirement many times without being distracted by excuses

The broken record method is very simple.

And all our children are fluent in it. For example:

Hot summer day. 4-year-old Annika goes shopping with her mother.

Annika: Mom buy me ice cream

Mother: I already bought you one today.

Annika: But I want ice cream

Mother: Eating a lot of ice cream is harmful, you will catch a cold

Annika: Mommy, well, I really urgently want ice cream!

Mother: It's getting late, we need to go home.

Annika: Well, mom, buy me some ice cream, please!

Mother: Okay, as an exception...

How did Annika do it? She simply ignored her mother's arguments. Instead of discussing how much ice cream is bad to eat and starting from what amount you can catch a cold, she again and again briefly and urgently repeated her request - like a broken record.

Mom, on the other hand, does what almost all adults do in such situations: she argues. She is discussing. She wants her child to understand and agree. She does the same if she wants anything from her daughter. And then a clear indication turns into a long discussion. By the end, usually mom has already forgotten what she really wanted. That is why our children love such conversations with all their hearts. In addition, they are an extra opportunity to completely and completely capture my mother's attention.

Example:

Mother(squats, looks into Annika's eyes, holds her by the shoulders and speaks briefly): " Annika, you are going to put the toys in the box right now.”

Annika: But why?

Mother: Because you scattered them

Annika:

Mother: Nothing like this. When did you clean up toys all day? But you have to understand that you need to clean up after yourself!

Annika: And Timmy (two-year-old brother) never cleans himself!

Mother: Timmy is still small. He can't clean up after himself.

Annika: He can do everything! You just love him more than me!

Mother: Well, what are you talking about?! This is not true and you know it very well.

The discussion can be continued however you like. Annika's mom remains calm. So far, she has not made those typical parenting mistakes that we already talked about in Chapter 4. But if the discussion continues for some time, it may well happen. And whether Annika will eventually remove the toys is unknown. In other words: If Mom really wants Annika to get out, then this discussion is out of place.

Another example. A similar conversation between 3-year-old Lisa and her mother happens almost every morning:

Mother: Lisa, get dressed.

Lisa: But I dont want!

Mother: Come on, be a good girl. Get dressed and we will play something interesting together.

Lisa: What?

Mother: We can collect puzzles.

Lisa: I don't want puzzles. They are boring. I want to watch TV.

Mother: Early in the morning and TV?! Out of the question!

Lisa: (crying) I'm never allowed to watch TV! Everyone can! Only I can't!

Mother: That's not true. All the kids I know don't watch TV in the morning either.

As a result, Lisa is crying because of a completely different problem, but she is still not dressed. Usually this ends with the fact that her mother takes her in her arms, puts her on her knees, comforts and helps her dress, although Lisa knows how to do it herself. Here, too, mother, after a clear indication, found herself drawn into an open-ended discussion. Lisa this time beat the TV theme. But with the same ingenuity, she can easily play with any item of clothing laid out by her mother - from socks to a matching scrunchie. An incredible achievement for a three-year-old girl who is not even in kindergarten yet!

How could the mothers of Annika and Lisa avoid these discussions? The "broken record" method is very useful here.

This time, Annika's mom uses this method:

Mother:(squats, looks her daughter in the eyes, takes her by the shoulders and says): Annika, you're going to put the toys in the box right now!

Annika: But why?

Mother: This must be done now: you will collect the toys and put them in a box.

Annika: I don't want to clean anything. I have to clean all the time. All day!

Mother: Come on, Annika, put the toys in the box.

Annika:(starts to clean up and grumbles under his breath ): I always...

The conversation between Lisa and her mother also goes completely differently if mom uses a “broken record”:

Mother: Lisa, get dressed..

Lisa: But I dont want!

Mother: Here, Lisa, put on your tights.

Lisa: But I want to play with you!

Mother: Lisa, you're wearing tights right now.

Lisa(mumbles but gets dressed)

You do not believe that everything is so simple? Try it yourself!

In the first chapter, we already told the story of eight-year-old Vika, who complained of pain in her stomach and went to the toilet 10 times before going to school. Her mother discussed with her for two weeks, consoled her and finally left her at home 3 times. But it was not possible to find the cause of the sudden "fear" of the school. During the day and in the evening the girl was cheerful and absolutely healthy. So mom decided to behave differently. No matter how and what Vicki complained and argued about, her mother reacted the same way every morning. She leaned over, touched the girl's shoulder and said calmly but firmly: “You are going to school now. I'm really sorry this is so hard for you." And if Vicky, as before, in last minute went to the toilet, mom said: “You were already in the toilet. Now it's time for you to leave". Nothing else. Sometimes she repeated these words several times. "Pain in the abdomen" disappeared completely after a week.

Don't get me wrong, discussions between parents and children are very important and can happen many times a day. At meals, during the evening ritual, during the time you devote to your child daily (see Chapter 2) and just free time, in such situations they make sense and lead to good results. You have time and opportunity to listen, express your wishes and argue them. Start your own conversations. All the reasons that you left out of the scope during the application of the "broken record" can now be calmly expressed and discussed. And if the child is important and needs it, he listens with interest.

Most often, discussions are interesting to children only as a distraction and also as a means of attracting attention.

Second step:

So that words do not diverge from deeds

Already during a clear indication, you should know: What will I do next if the child still does not obey?

How did you react before this? It is possible that one or another of the common parental mistakes crept in: reproaches, why-questions, threats without consequences, severe punishments or beatings. This reaction comes from a mixture of feelings: rage, anger and helplessness. In a state of extreme excitement, more acceptable methods of education do not occur to us. Therefore, the following applies:

• We need to think in advance and plan the consequences that follow from our words.
• We should not punish the child, but show the boundaries. To do this, you need to show the child: "Stop! I cannot tolerate this behavior." Therefore, we are not talking about punishment, but about conclusions and consequences.
• Our child is always faced with a choice: Either I stick to the rules and do what my parents say, or I agree with the next steps.
• For these measures to have an effect, they may be undesirable or unpleasant for the child. But in no case do not cause physical or mental injury.
• And we have to justify our actions. For example like this: "I love you. You are very important to me. That's why I care about your behavior. You need to follow the rules. I will help you with this."

What consequences for what behavior and at what age make sense - the answers to these questions are almost inexhaustible. Nevertheless, we dare to give a few specific indications.