Conflicts (translated from Latin as “collision”) in daily communication in 80% of cases arise outside the desire of the participants in communication. A person tends to protect himself and his dignity, but he is not so scrupulous about the feelings of others. Therefore, people are not so strict about their statements and actions, allowing unpleasant words to be addressed to interlocutors and not respectful attitude. Some people prefer to ignore such situations, but many try to respond to a conflictogen with a stronger conflictogen. In this case, communication is disrupted and in some cases becomes impossible.

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The nature of conflictogens and their properties

Conflictogens are verbal and non-verbal elements of communication that create a tense atmosphere in communication and offend the interlocutor. Conflictogens are words and turns of speech, a certain intonation, gestures, actions (inaction) and deeds, avoiding the continuation of communication. Carelessness (coffee spilled on the carpet), optionality (lateness, failure to fulfill a promise), violation of etiquette (did not say hello, did not give way in transport, forgot to congratulate) are the source of various domestic conflicts.

Conflictogens are easily felt by the participants in communication, but it is quite difficult to determine them scientifically, distinguish them from a natural reaction and classify them. The problem is that a person sometimes either does not notice, or considers it quite acceptable or deserved to use offensive words and actions in relation to others. This is due to the fact that incorrect behavior does not always lead to open conflict. The person becomes accustomed to the idea that it will "get away with it", thereby reducing self-control and vigilance against mistreatment. However, there comes a moment when the interlocutor finds such behavior unacceptable, reacts in response, and as a result, a conflict arises.

Having received a conflictogen in relation to himself, the interlocutor experiences irritation and annoyance. He seeks to compensate for his psychological failure, therefore he tries to teach the offender a lesson, to answer no weaker and put him in his place. The conflictogen is growing, the interlocutors turn on the speech defense mechanism. Such a phenomenon like chain reaction, is called the escalation of conflictogens. At this stage, it is quite difficult to resolve the situation, as strong negative emotions take precedence over common sense and direct the actions of the interlocutors. The ability to restrain oneself, to avoid communication, to forgive an offense in such a situation is desirable, but in practice it is rarely feasible.

Some people attach importance not to the actual content of the interlocutor's remark, but to what they themselves heard in his words. Such people are overly touchy, but at the same time they tend to offend others. There is a stereotype that this behavior is peculiar to women, but there is no gender binding here.

There is an opinion that conflictogens are a social convention: what causes disagreement among some people is considered completely normal or habitual among others.

Conflictogens in one's own behavior are not always detected. emotional people in communication with those who annoy them, or whom they are offended by, unconsciously admit the incorrectness of verbal and non-verbal behavior (or consider it fair). Conflictogens must be distinguished from provocation, which is always done intentionally and consciously causes a conflict (rudeness, insults, accusations, objections, interruptions, flirting in the presence of a partner).

Classification of conflictogens

AT ordinary life a certain number of conflictogens between people is an indicator of the naturalness of communication. But constructive interaction based on their avoidance.

Conflictogens are manifested in non-verbal and verbal behavior:

1. 1. Expressed no confidence, negative attitude to the interlocutor. Remarks: “You are deceiving me”, “I don’t really believe you”, “You don’t understand this”; "I don't like talking to you," etc.
2. 2. Accusations: “You ruined everything”, “You are a thief”, “It is you who are to blame for everything”, etc.
3. 3. Interrupting the speaker; unwillingness to listen and take into account the point of view of the interlocutor.
4. 4. Underestimation of the role of the partner and his contribution to the common cause; exaggeration of their own achievements.
5. 5. Emphasizing age, social and other differences between yourself and the interlocutor is not in his favor. Offensive comparisons.
6. 6. Condescending attitude and tone (humiliation under the guise of benevolence). Remarks: “Do not be offended”, “Calm down”, “How can you not know this at your age?”, “You clever man, but you do ... ". Advice given publicly (they are perceived as reproaches, cause a desire not to follow them or do it your own way).
7. 7. Unwillingness to admit their mistakes and someone else's rightness. Threat words: “we will meet again”, “I will remember this for you”, “you will regret it”, etc.
8. 8. Steady imposition of one's opinion. Replies-shoulds: "you must", "you must"; words expressing categoricalness: “always”, “never”, “everyone”, “no one”, etc.
9. 9. Insincerity in judgment; double standarts in action.
10. 10. Unexpected interruption of the conversation.
11. 11. Insults, ridicule and nicknames.
12. 12. Distortion of the name of the interlocutor.

In psychology, communicative conflictogens are divided into 5 types according to the reasons for their manifestations.

1. 1. aggressiveness;
2. 2. striving for excellence;
3. 3. manifestations of selfishness;
4. 4. violation of the rules;
5. 5. unfavorable set of circumstances.



Manifestations of aggressiveness

Aggression as a lack social interaction may be a personality trait, observed in a number of nervous and mental disorders and also be a reaction to the circumstances. Natural aggressiveness is inherent in few people. As a character trait, it arises from the desire to assert itself in the environment - a peer group, family, work or sports team, or is a rebellion against someone who occupies a leadership position (authoritarian parent, boss, senior in status).

Situational aggressiveness is the result internal contradictions or it arises under the influence external conditions(personal, work problems, poor health, mood).

The manifestation of aggressiveness is associated with the concept of frustration. This condition appears when a person is faced with real or imagined obstacles and cannot satisfy his desire or need. It is accompanied by a complex negative emotions: disappointment, irritation, anger, anxiety, etc. Chronic frustration can cause neuroses and leads to negative changes character, provoking the development of an inferiority complex.



Striving for Excellence

The desire to reveal personal potential and overcome shortcomings activates a person and gives him perseverance and perseverance in achieving the goal. Competitiveness is productively manifested in the desire to master new professions, skills and abilities, to acquire more knowledge in comparison with others, to surpass colleagues in skill. But this attraction breeds and negative properties personalities: careerism, ambition, arrogance, lust for power, a sense of permissiveness, an overestimation of everything one’s own and an unmotivated depreciation of someone else’s, a tendency to boast, envy, etc.

AT interpersonal relationships conflictogenics related to this area are expressed in the form of orders, threats, constant remarks, the predominance of criticism and negative assessment in judgments. More complex manifestation is a joke on someone who does not know how to give a worthy rebuff, a condescending attitude and tone when superiority is demonstrated with an insincere shade of benevolence. Excessive self-righteousness and self-confidence forces a person to talk in detail and with embellishment about his successes, to impose desired actions, which are issued for advice; interrupt the interlocutor and correct him. The extreme manifestation will be ridicule, mockery, sarcasm, accusations.

selfishness

Selfishness is a system of human values ​​in which personal needs prevail over the interests of another person or group of people. Satisfying one's own interests is regarded as the highest good. Various manifestations of egoism are conflictogenic, since the egoist seeks his own benefit at the expense of others, and this injustice provokes conflict. In psychological and ethical theory, selfishness is a property that must be overcome.

The manifestations of selfishness include deception and attempted deception, shifting responsibility to another and withholding information.

The desire for superiority and manifestations of selfishness can be considered hidden aggression, since they represent an indirect encroachment on the interests of another person and his dignity. According to the law of escalation of conflictogens, covert aggression receives a response in the form of a clear and stronger aggression.

Breaking the rules

Violation of any rule (etiquette, games, internal regulations of the institution, traffic, the established regime) is a conflict generator. The main function of the rules is the prevention of conflicts.

Rule-breaking conflicts are especially numerous in adolescence: It is important for children to realize what they are capable of. Afraid of not fitting in with their peers, teens may do stupid, extreme, and dangerous things in the belief that they have a right to do so. They want to do something that adults would talk about, discuss. The age from 12 to 16 years is the process of becoming a teenager's personality and difficult period relationships for both parents and children.

Unfavorable set of circumstances

A conflictogen is a contact with an irritated or uncultured person, unpleasant news, a change in the situation in the worst side, bad weather, violation of personal space - everything that violates peace of mind.

Constructive interaction

Conflicts that do not allow normal interaction and decision-making to solve problems are called destructive. They cannot be completely avoided: any careless statement or action is capable of lead to disagreement according to the law of escalation, if the interlocutor is intolerant of a different point of view, ideas and interests.

A person behaves in conflict when he feels bad: there are contradictions in the inner world, he is not able to cope with emotions, with the current situation. The reason for this is illness inadequate self-esteem, lack of education, etc. Reciprocal aggression and insults, resentment, cold tension and anger are not constructive.

It is necessary to learn how to manage the conflict: understand its causes and predict the consequences. For this you should know:

• areas of occurrence of conflictogens;
• verbal and non-verbal expression in the process of communication;
• ways to avoid incorrect behavior: move away from the desire for superiority and lead away from this interlocutor, restrain one's own and directed aggression towards oneself, overcome selfishness.

Behavioral and speech conflictogens cause irritation, a desire to put the offender in his place. Surrounding people unconsciously or on purpose can hurt, offend, laugh. Faced with a conflictogen in the behavior of the interlocutor, you need to try to keep inner dignity, respond peacefully and resist escalation. For this you need:

1. 1. Refuse to use conflictogens in communication, acting on the principle of "who, if not me."
2. 2. Avoid reciprocity hurtful words or try to stop at the very beginning: it will be difficult or impossible to do this later. It can be very difficult to restrain the first impulse and verbally “give back”. It is recommended to assume that the person did not necessarily intend to offend.
3. 3. Try to understand the state of the speaker, show empathy for him (imagine what feelings will cause him certain words and actions). There is a possibility that the source of his aggression is anger at the situation in which he is helpless, and not at the interlocutor.
4. 4. In a dialogue, speak out informatively and unambiguously, avoid hints and understatement.
5. 5. In the team, create a benevolent atmosphere in which others are psychologically comfortable: speak kindly, smile sincerely, do not hide a positive assessment (praise, compliment), demonstrate a respectful attitude towards the interlocutor.
6. 6. If possible, avoid being categorical: this implies the superiority and subordination of interlocutors. Instead of peremptory “I believe”, “I am sure”, it is recommended to use statements that involve flexibility: “I believe”, “I think”.
7. 7. Give value judgments, advice and recommendations to the interlocutor in private, and not in the presence of others.

Having noticed on his part the desire for superiority, a person should try to overcome it:

1. 1. To enable the interlocutor to feel competent in the issue under discussion and significant in the eyes of others.
2. 2. Objectively talk about your own achievements and merits, without exaggeration.
3. 3. Cultivate an understanding that only modesty is opposed to vanity.

Constant containment of aggression leads to mental illness However, splashing it on others is unacceptable. psychological stress associated with increased aggressiveness, must be removed.

Psychotherapists recommend speaking out to an emotionally close person from time to time. The resulting empathy, sympathy gives relaxation and relief comes. The second piece of advice is to cry without embarrassment, as chemical substances which are stress stimulants. Therefore, children who are not yet constrained by social boundaries cry much more often than adults: this is how the natural defense mechanism giving relief in stressful situation and protecting children's health. In our culture, it is not customary for men to complain and cry; it is easier for women in this respect. Emotional restraint leads to accumulation negative emotions, manifestations of aggression, undermines health.

Psychological release occurs during motor activity, since the adrenaline produced during stress is excreted from the body during physical activity: playing sports, competitions, working with an ax or saw, running, dancing, etc.

Overcoming selfishness begins with the conscious formation of the attitude that any person can be the center of attention. It is recommended to expand the circle of interests ( team games, singing in the choir) to use their strengths in collective affairs, and at the same time become interesting interlocutor. A little help should be given daily, even to strangers.

If a person unconsciously and intentionally uses conflictogens, considers it normal to behave aggressively, offend and criticize interlocutors, manipulate them, but does not allow this in relation to himself, does not seek to change his behavior style and blames others for his condition, he needs the help of a psychotherapist.

Managing others begins with managing yourself. The main recommendation is to develop and define a conflict-free style of verbal and non-verbal behavior, as it causes respect.

Yesterday I had negotiations with one of the potential customers. And at one of the moments of the meeting, we "exchanged conflictogens."

Conflictogens are words or actions that provoke conflict. At the thematic workshop at the PERSONALITY School of Management, we figure out what to do with them.

Examples of conflictogens:

• claim, accusation;
• a reminder of the unpleasant;
• trolling;
• unwillingness to admit their mistakes and someone's rightness;
• underestimation of the contribution of another to the common cause and exaggeration of one's own;
• boasting;
• and much more, which is usually perceived by others sensitively and negatively.

And if you're interested, let's see what the "exchange of conflictogens" looked like at my yesterday's talks?

Event 1

A brief introduction by phone on May 4 in the afternoon. Request for training, May 6, beginning at 10 am, participants are 50 leaders. There is very little time to prepare! In the morning next day- meeting to discuss the program.

Event 2

Morning of May 5, meeting with the customer. The program interested me, but it turns out that, in addition to our proposal, there is another one, and it is now a priority, and ours is a reserve option. To my question: “When will you accept final decision, with whom to work? ”, A colleague-customer replied:“ We will make a decision today at the end of the day.

And this means for me that there will be a night for preparation! I realize how a “salute of emotions” opens up inside me!… Inside, dear readers, inside))) But the biochemical processes are not dormant, the “shake-up” hormones have already entered the bloodstream and the state has become “slightly altered”. This is manifested in the fact that I can now “read” the light smile of the interlocutor in very different ways: from apologizing (they say, I am embarrassed that my supervisor set the task like this), to sadistic (they say, if you want to work with us, then adjust) …

So, the phrase of the customer became a conflict generator for me "We'll make a decision today at the end of the day." And I answered (softly and as if jokingly): “You are probably joking when you talk about such preparation times?! Or you and I have very different ideas about what preparations for an event that involves 50 people look like.”

I guess it looked like I was defending myself and blaming at the same time. And this could be perceived by my interlocutor as a response conflictogen.

Event 3 (internal)

Was this the best response? I ask myself, “Probably not. Otherwise, the meeting was constructive, and we agreed on cooperation for the future.

Analyzing the meeting and looking for best options their actions. For example, I prefer this one:

1. instead of a defensive-accusatory reaction, having received a "conflictogen", I would rely on interest in the project(of which I have a lot inside), and not at your own risk “do not have time to prepare”;
2. and then a completely different rhetoric arises; for example, I could say: “Olga, I really want to make this event productive. And for this I will do everything in my power. However, not everything depends on me. For example, ordering props for most games needs to be done at a printing house. Therefore, having received the order in the evening, we will not have time to prepare for the night.

The conflict rages as long as there is an "exchange of conflictogens". One of the tasks Workshop May 19— to discover and transform them.

Ekaterina Pashnina, business coach, coach

Have you ever had this: you get up in the morning, and everything around you infuriates? The dog left a juicy fleshy bone in his favorite shoe, the neighbors drill their brains right above the bedroom, the phone put on charge at night for some reason desperately squeaks from hunger, and the second half again asks the same question that you answered in detail yesterday. What drives you crazy is conflictogenic - these are factors that provoke the manifestation of discontent, irritation or aggression. Moreover, such a trigger can be either someone's activity or inaction, as well as inanimate and intangible objects (this is when you stay up for a long time, because "someone is wrong on the Internet").

Kinds

Exist different types conflictogens. These can be manifestations of selfishness, aggression, striving for superiority, violations of existing rules, and some unfavorable set of circumstances. They live mainly in places large cluster people (usually with different upbringing or not burdened with it at all), at work/study, are waiting for you at home, but this is an essential attribute social sphere because we are so different from each other that inevitably provokes collisions.

Manifestation of aggression

Aggression breeds many conflicts. It happens that a person got up on the wrong foot, a cat scratched at home, and now he wants to discharge himself (and he just didn’t like the expression on your face), or he is simply offended in life. Often a person of such a warehouse will specifically look for an object for discharge. And the victim can be seen from afar - these are not very self-confident people who are used to agreeing with what they are told.

For lack of a suitable object, the aggressor sometimes chooses any. It doesn't matter what he picks on. Whatever you do, it's bad. Did you have scrambled eggs for breakfast? “It’s terrible, there’s so much cholesterol there, you want my death!” Cooked porridge? Disgusting, "you know I eat scrambled eggs in the morning!"

There are several behaviors here. If you are also not averse to being discharged, then you can just quarrel and even beat the dishes (if both of you feel better after that). But the choice of response will be the more effective, the better you know the enemy. If after the phrase “Yes, dad, I did something terrible again, I confess,” he calms down, he will have to choose this option. Sometimes it is enough to remain silent, not paying attention to the provocative statement.

But not everyone will be comforted by the passive acceptance of guilt - conflict person he is looking for injustice, he wants to let off steam, or he simply asserts himself at the expense of his neighbor. Some specifically seek to aggravate the situation, try to break through into tears, spoil the mood. If the situation escalated in public transport, it is better to leave the salon if possible. And when you are in conflict with the household or with the boss, it will be difficult to “leave the cabin” (like during a flight).

Rudeness, categoricalness and communication in a negative way are communicative conflictogens (and some people just have such a style of conveying information). They also include various claims, statements addressed to a person in front of outsiders. So it is desirable to “filter the market”, because even an unsuccessful joke in the spirit of “Be quiet, woman!” can lead to a host of problems.

How to calm down and calm down the opponent?

Try to avoid the escalation of conflicts, because the “offended” one has a great temptation to answer, so to speak, symmetrically. You give me a word - I give you two. It is better to communicate calmly, try to meet halfway, sometimes keep silent, and in extreme cases, just retire. And preferably quickly, if aggression is not verbal, but physical. You don't want to show up to work in a bloody jacket just because you couldn't stand the attacks of a drunk guy who didn't like your features?

Behavioral responses are unpredictable. Keep this in mind when you yourself want to take out your anger on someone. If you are a victim, know that sometimes breaking a pattern is a very powerful tool. Instead of snapping, say: "Ivan Petrovich, you look more attractive when you are not angry!"

By the way, aggressiveness can be both innate (whom to hook today?) And sudden (situational): “I am a patient person, but only an idiot would eat such salty cooking !!”

Do not forget that the word is not a sparrow (and many are ready to remember the offense for years and even all your life), and if you yourself often act as the aggressor, here are several options to avoid aggravating the situation:

• rationally comprehend the situation, assess the situation, find the causes of difficulties;
• sublimation (removal internal stress by redirecting energy towards achieving socially acceptable goals): try to relieve tension through physical exercises(choose an animated object only if it is a boxing sparring partner) - do push-ups, run, pump the press;
• try to speak up and voice the accumulated problems.

Striving for Excellence

People have different motives. They may not exist at all. And sometimes a completely natural desire of a person begins to inexplicably annoy. For example, your co-worker or fellow student is endlessly striving for excellence. Perfectionism, of course, is commendable, but when they try to “get you away”, there is little pleasant.

In words, an attempt to dominate is manifested in the utterance of accusations, sarcasm. The person begins to criticize you, exposes personal characteristics in a negative way, interrupts, as if demonstrating that what you said is not worth attention. Joking, categoricalness and harsh accusations are communicative conflictogens that each of us has met.

Or imagine: you have taken on increased obligations (in the secret hope of getting a job as head of the department), and Vasily Petrovich suddenly doubles the norm. He used to always be the first (as dad taught). You are not far behind, and Vasily Petrovich again teases and takes a new standard (to prove that he the best worker), for which you will probably have to stay awake for two weeks and implant yourself with a couple of extra limbs in order to simultaneously talk on the phone, stamp, write and periodically eat without leaving your workplace (and one more hand would not hurt - to prop up sleepy head during endless vigils). Suggestions don't help.

But someone else's example constantly teases you and also deprives you of sleep! Which exit? Keep your plans as secret as possible. Well...or give up. At least in words.

- I guess from five notes!

- And I'm from four!

— Dare.

selfishness

Often the cause of problems is a banal inflated conceit. Well, my mother inspired (having read smart books in psychology), that a person deserves the best, everyone around is obliged, what can we do now? And he is sometimes ready for any actions in order to achieve comfort - and even there the grass does not grow. You must definitely eat the candy first, take a warm place (directly and figuratively), get all sorts of preferences. In this case, try to go for a trick. Convince the egoist that the options offered to him are the best.

If you are a champion of universal justice, be vigilant. Recall the classic situation: at the doctor's office appears intelligent person and asks who is the last one. And when the door opens and the patient comes out, the newcomer rushes into the office with a cry: “Yes, I just ask!” Whether he is a malicious deceiver or just looked in to look for a lost wallet with an inheritance received from an Irish grandfather is not the point. But the fact that the queue after that boils and is ready to beat the "alien" is an undoubted fact.

If you encountered such a kind of spoiled person as an ordinary egoist on a bus, and he firmly occupied a place near the doors with the argument “I have to get off at the third stop!”, And you have been pumping your biceps for a long time and could not find everyday use for your skills, then for To level the conflict, try simply gently but persistently to rearrange your comrade in the middle of the cabin. Beliefs are unlikely to help here (it was necessary to start when I was lying across the bench).

By the way, both manifestations of selfishness and the desire for superiority also refer to hidden aggression, because in both cases a person seeks to infringe on the rights of others by indulging his own interests - this is a kind of encroachment on your dignity.

Going beyond

Sometimes the source of conflict is a violation of the rules or someone's desire to break the law. And you will become the injured party, or they want to make you a direct accomplice. Let's say a friend comes to the Department of Real Estate and asks you to give an apartment bypassing the queue, but this is contrary to life principles that you have learned.

Behavioral conflictogens are a very powerful irritating factor. Who will like it if a neighbor defiantly does not say hello and pushes with his shoulder at a meeting because you did not allow the dog to shit on the door mat? Or if the girl invited to a date is late “by only 50 minutes”, and at the banquet the counterpart will pick her teeth? Any obvious violation of ethical standards will cause backlash. How great is the patience of others? Sometimes the outcome of a case depends only on the weight category of opponents.

Often, the "violator" does not care that others will suffer or be held accountable for him. The main thing is your own comfort: “Listen, foreman, it’s inconvenient to work in this helmet! Will I fall, will I break? Don't give a damn! I don't care anymore, do I?"

By the way, a "provocateur" does not necessarily aim to piss someone off. If the girl next door sings the song without hitting the notes for the forty-eighth time, and you have a perfect ear, such a "violation of the rules of the hostel" will be tantamount to torture. But it should be understood: is a person doing this in order to piss you off, or is he, for example, just enjoying life?

If you chose the first answer, then the quote from the story about Brer Rabbit, who begged not to be thrown into the thorn bush, can serve as advice here: ask the tyrant to do the exact opposite action, switch the troublemaker to another type of activity, or recommend highlighting special time for your favorite activities. And if the answer is the second - try to offer the person to make adjustments to the behavior or ... take a philosophical look at it (if other options do not work, such as: insert earplugs, give a ticket to a concert, sing yourself ....).

Doctor, everything annoys me

There is an expression: "This world was created to piss us off." In general, who is looking for ... well, you understand. The stealth bomb is getting too low salary, a bad smell from a neighbor, the stupidity of modern youth and even the color of a journalist's blouse.

Furthermore, negative factor sometimes is " misbehavior» home appliances, for example. You probably noticed that, according to Murphy's law, it either junks at the same time (apparently, it's more fun), and at the very moment when you urgently need to look at the disk / print the file / whip cream for the already finished cake, or it breaks exactly a few days after end of warranty. Here again it all depends on your reaction and on whether the glass was half empty or half full (and on the contents that you poured into it the night before). While the lively optimist will laugh and say: "Anything happens - apparently, their term has expired," the admirer of dull determinism will suspect a worldwide conspiracy here.

Reveal the secret, wretch!

Conflict situation is also withholding information, disinformation. Here is a group of classmates whispering with mysterious look, but when you appear, he immediately falls silent and begins to defiantly portray indifference. In response to a request to explain what the problem is, everyone makes surprised eyes and, shrugging their shoulders, disperse. Such "games" provoke the emergence of stress. How to proceed? It remains only to pretend that nothing special is happening, or to find an insider who will reveal the secret. True, sometimes this leads to disappointment: for example, friends decided to surprise you for your next birthday.

Unfortunate set of circumstances

And further. It happens that the provocative factor is not really such. It's just a coincidence or an accident. For example, you open the door to the bell, and a cheerful couple tumbles into the hallway, who insistently demand an answer to two questions: why hasn't the owner himself come out and why isn't the table set yet??! They must have been on the wrong floor.

What remains to be done in such a situation? Find out what happened and just smile, because in most cases what has been done cannot be returned. However, try to somehow help the person who was upset, and make an effort to correct random error, whatever it may be. For example, in a cafe you were pushed, and you poured a cup on a seated person. Be sure to apologize, find a towel or cleansing wet wipes. Offer to order dessert as compensation. Who knows - suddenly this unsuccessful day will end with a pleasant acquaintance?

We defuse the situation

In human communication, conflictogens often become a trigger for the emergence and intensification of confrontation. It is important to be able to control your own behavior, to understand the reasons for the appearance of a reaction to certain stimuli. It is also advisable to calculate the consequences in advance: for example, you go on a visit and only report on the spot that the doctor forbade your spouse to eat 99% of the dishes on the table. Then he sits with a sad look, demonstrating how sick it is at this celebration of life. It was advisable to inform the hostess about dietary restrictions in advance or bring specially prepared food with you. After all, you came not so much to dine, but also to enjoy communication with nice people, is not it?

By the way, conflictology recommends delimiting annoying factors, provoking problems, unstable environments and elements that enliven and "refresh" existence - for example, in the family. Sometimes the latter are beneficial (remember: "Lovely swear - only amuse?"). If the house is quiet and smooth, then either they are both angels, or ... everyone has already become indifferent to what the partner does, what he thinks about and what he wants.

How to act?

It's embarrassing to realize that different kinds conflictogens can drive you crazy. You have to be ready to count possible options actions when they appear:

• aggravation of the conflict in order to defuse (come on, repeat what you called me?!),
• ignore: pretend not to notice anything and are immersed in own thoughts- especially if you go far, and it doesn’t matter to a drunk who to get to the bottom of (what kind of fat woman, I don’t know anything, and it seems to me they sent me a very interesting message in messenger)
• a way to put yourself in the place of your opponent (I also wanted to win this competition, but for you this is a matter of self-respect and a desperate last chance, because there is only a year left to work here, and I will still have many opportunities to realize my potential),
• compromise (well, calm down, I won’t go anywhere today and throw my junk from the mezzanine, but tomorrow you will cook my favorite pie and let you stay with friends),
• sometimes it’s enough just to talk, express wishes and explain actions - maybe the other side is not aware that you are not a malicious pest, but have own plan(no, I didn’t scatter my socks, but put them to air out - by two o’clock a friend calls me to help with repairs, and then I’ll throw them in the wash),
• avoiding the conflict - literally and figuratively, is possible if there are communication problems or lack of time (yes, yes, I have sawdust in my head, I'm the same dunce as all teenagers, but I'll go, granny, take a walk - on the street so warm, and the rest of the parasites have been waiting in the yard for a long time),
• a gloomy day is brighter from a smile, and an unexpected joke can completely defuse the situation (man, don’t go broke - you are so cute, but spoil the mood for yourself and people).

The main thing here is to choose the right suitable option, which will lead to the neutralization of the conflict. Remember: it is in our power to prevent or stop the development of a tense situation by recognizing the source of danger in time and determining the necessary behavior strategy.

The literal translation of the word “conflictogen” is “giving birth to conflicts”. It can be any object, thing, idea, look that reveals differences, relationships, words, actions (or inaction), which can lead to a tense situation and its development into a conflict.

Words-conflictogens

Peculiarity human psyche, lies in the fact that we are more sensitive to the words of others than to what we ourselves say. Our special sensitivity regarding the words addressed to us comes from the desire to protect oneself, one's dignity from a possible encroachment. But we are not so careful and correct when it comes to the dignity of others, and therefore we do not follow our words and actions so strictly.

In addition to the obvious conflict-generating words such as insults, threats, unflattering comparisons, ridicule, accusations, open expression hostility, distrust, references to the negative opinions of other people about a person - there are a number of statements that can provoke a conflict when you did not want it at all and, most likely, you will be surprised - why did your interlocutor suddenly get so turned on?

Directions- “you are obliged”, “you must”, etc., which can be perceived as an indicator of your superiority over the interlocutor

Condescension words- “calm down”, “do not be offended”, “You are a smart person, what are you ...”. Such, in general, friendly phrases in certain situations, when a person is excited, trigger a backlash, because they are perceived as a condescending attitude towards the interlocutor or as an indication. Avoid such words when communicating with a client who came with a complaint or claim.

Generalization words- for example, “you always don’t listen to me”, “you can never finish anything”, “everyone takes advantage of my kindness”, “no one understands me”, “you will never agree with me”, etc. ; With this generalization, you present a single situation as a pattern, as a character trait of your interlocutor, which, of course, gives rise to a desire to argue with you.

categorical certainty- “I am sure”, “I believe”, “definitely”, “without a doubt”, etc. The use of such statements often makes the opponent want to doubt this and argue about this categorical judgment.

Persistent advice- adviser, this case, having taken a position of superiority, as a rule, reaches reverse effect distrust and desire to do otherwise. Moreover, it should not, apparently, be forgotten that advice given in the presence of others is most often perceived as a reproach.

Conflictogens in behavior

In addition to statements that can provoke a conflict, there are conflictogens in behavior.

These include:

Misinformation or misinformation, i.e. deception. A person feels uncomfortable if he feels signs of distrust in himself or a lack of information about the situation in which he is.

Some mystery. Here are two colleagues whispering, exchanging glances, falling silent, if someone approaches, they speak in hints - demonstrating that there is a circle of the elite, where outsiders are not allowed to enter. "Outsiders", in turn, also exclude them from the circle of confidential communication.

Finding someone to blame("scapegoat"). This behavior is born unconsciously, from the human need for psychological security, security, the desire to remove the frightening uncertainty and know exactly what is causing the troubles and troubles (or exclude yourself from the circle of suspects). However, by empowering oneself to judge and accuse someone, one demonstrates a position of superiority and provokes others to defend themselves.

Imposing an inaccessible style of speech on the interlocutor. If in a conversation with a colleague you pour terms that he does not know, then you deprive him of the opportunity to talk with you on an equal footing and cause him to feel inferior, and as a result, a defensive reaction.

interruption interlocutor or the desire to correct another. The one who does this unwittingly demonstrates that only he should be listened to, that his thoughts are more valuable than the thoughts of others.

Sharp acceleration of the pace conversation and its unexpected curtailment. Such behavior shows that a person feels himself the master of the situation, and others must adapt to him. He evaluates his time and his interests as more important than he strikes at the pride of other people. The conflict is practically guaranteed.

To prevent the development of conflict, the main thing is to understand the cause of its occurrence. It is much easier to limit the impact of conflictogens if they are detected in time. Strive for clarity of expression, unambiguity and informativeness.

The article uses materials by Fedor Kuzin (ippnou.ru) and Lyubov Tsoi (klubok.net)

Common to all these types is that conflictogens are manifestations aimed at resolving psychological problems or to achieve some goals (psychological or pragmatic).

Consider the most common conflictogens of each type.

Striving for Excellence

• * Direct manifestations of superiority: an order, a threat, a remark, or any other negative evaluation, criticism, accusation, mockery, mockery, sarcasm.
• * A condescending attitude, that is, a manifestation of superiority, but with a touch of benevolence: "Do not be offended", "Calm down", "How can you not know this?", "Don't you understand?", "It was said to you in Russian", "You a smart person, but you act ... ". In a word - oblivion of known wisdom: "If you are smarter than others, then don't tell anyone about it." A condescending tone is also a conflictogen.

The husband praised his wife for a delicious dinner. And she was offended, because it was said in a condescending tone, and she felt like a cook.

• * Boasting, that is, an enthusiastic story about one's successes, true or imaginary, causes irritation, a desire to "put in place" a braggart.
• * Categorical, peremptory - a manifestation of excessive self-righteousness, self-confidence; assumes its superiority and subordination of the interlocutor. This includes any statements in a categorical tone, in particular, such as "I believe", "I am sure." Instead, it is safer to use statements that are less forceful: "I think", "It seems to me", "I have the impression that ...".

Peremptory phrases such as "All men are scoundrels", "All women are liars", "Everyone steals", "... and we will end this conversation" are also conflictogens of this type.

Parents' categorical judgments about the music, clothes, and behavior adopted among young people can alienate children from them. For example, a mother says to her daughter: "Your new acquaintance is not a match for you." The daughter was rude in response. It is possible that she herself sees the shortcomings of her friend, but it is the categorical verdict that gives rise to protest. Apparently, the mother's words would have evoked a different resonance: "It seems to me that he is somewhat self-confident, he undertakes to judge what he does not understand well. But maybe I'm wrong, time will tell."

* Imposing your advice. There is a rule: give advice only when you are asked about it. The adviser, in essence, takes a position of superiority.

So, for example, the driver of a trolley bus, as an initiative, took over additional obligation during the route to educate passengers on different topics: traffic rules, rules good manners etc. The speaker in the cabin did not stop, endlessly repeating common truths. Passengers expressed unanimous indignation at such an intrusive "service", many complained that they got off the trolleybus in a bad mood.

Note that the driver's intentions were the best. And the result is not at all what she expected.

The plot connected with Einstein is curious. The scientist had a small notebook in which he wrote down the thoughts that came to mind. "Why is she so small?" they asked him.

"Because," answered the eminent scientist, "that good thoughts come very rarely."

A good tip for those who like to impose their point of view: good thoughts happen, maybe they have much less often than they think.

The source of the listed conflictogens can also be an attempt to assert oneself at the expense of a position of superiority, in other words, at the expense of others.

Withholding information. Information is a necessary element of life. Lack of information causes a state of anxiety.

Information may be withheld different reasons: for example, a leader from subordinates with good intentions, so as not to upset bad news.

But nature does not tolerate emptiness, and the vacuum that has arisen is filled with speculation, rumors, gossip, which are even worse. Although it is much more dangerous that there is distrust of the concealer of information, because his action caused a state of anxiety.

• * Violations of ethics, intentional or unintentional. I took advantage of someone else's thought, but did not refer to the author. Caused inconvenience (accidentally pushed, stepped on the foot, etc.), but did not apologize; not invited to sit; did not say hello or said hello to the same person several times during the day. "Climbed" out of turn, using a friend or his superior position.
• * Joking. His object is usually the one who for some reason cannot give a worthy rebuff. Lovers of ridicule should not forget that already in antiquity vice was condemned evil tongue. Thus, in the first psalm of David, scoffers are condemned along with the godless and sinners. And it is no coincidence: the ridiculed will look for an opportunity to get even with the offender.
• * Deception or an attempt to deceive is a means to achieve the goal in a dishonest way and is the strongest conflict generator.
• * A reminder (possibly unintentional) of some kind of losing situation for the interlocutor.

There are known cases of paradoxical behavior when the rescued (after a certain time) killed his savior. This paradox is explained by the fact that, seeing the person who saved him, every time a person re-experienced the state of shameful helplessness, and the feeling of gratitude was gradually replaced by irritation, a feeling of inferiority in comparison with the person to whom he should be grateful all his life.

Of course, these are exceptional cases. But even Tacitus said: "Blessings are pleasant only when you know that you can repay them; when they are exorbitant, then instead of gratitude, you repay them with hatred." It is no coincidence that Christian commandments (and not only them) call for doing good not in order to receive gratitude, but for own soul. Having done good to another, free him from the need to be indebted to you for what he has done, because, as F. Schiller said: "Gratitude is the most forgetful of all."

* Shifting responsibility to another person.

The student asked a friend to deposit a large dollar amount. He hid it in his books. Soon a relative came to him, who accidentally discovered an envelope with dollars. Having replaced them with false ones, he, citing changed circumstances, left. When a friend came for money, a violent conflict erupted.

The essence of this conflict generator is that one shifted the responsibility for the safety of money to another, and he agreed, without having the necessary conditions for that.

* Please lend money

Failure calls unpleasant feeling at the one who asks. But the satisfaction of a request often leads to a conflict: they don’t always give it on time, you have to remind, etc. No wonder the proverb was born: "If you want to lose a friend, lend him money."

Manifestation of aggressiveness.

AT Latin the word "aggressio" means "attack". Aggression can manifest itself as a personality trait and situationally, as a reaction to the prevailing circumstances.

Natural aggressiveness

One of my acquaintances - an outstanding scientist - once admitted that if he does not quarrel in the morning, he cannot work all day. Unfortunately, he is not alone, some people really have a natural aggressiveness.

However, fortunately, naturally aggressive people are a minority. In the vast majority, natural aggressiveness is normal, and only situational aggressiveness is manifested.

Age-related manifestations of aggressiveness are also known, for example, in adolescents: fights ("yard to yard"), defiant behavior at home, at school, on the street. Here is an attempt at self-affirmation, and an expression of protest against one's "unequal", dependent on other (adult) position.

Everyone can determine their natural aggressiveness by the appropriate tests for aggressiveness, given among others in the mentioned book "How to Manage Others. How to Manage Yourself (The Art of a Manager)".

One more observation. Once, as a boy, I witnessed how one coach was preparing his ward, a good-natured big boxer for the upcoming fight: he hit him in the face until he became furious. Apparently, without this, his pet lacked aggressiveness in the ring. It is also known that the world champion Mohammed Ali before the fight, in order to bring himself "to condition", started a squabble.

• * A person with increased aggressiveness is conflict-prone, is a "walking conflict-generator" because he throws out his accumulated irritation on others. In other words, he allows his internal problems at the expense of those around you. In this sense, he is, as it were, a "vampire" absorbing positive energy(and emotions) of others.
• * A person with below average aggressiveness runs the risk of achieving much less in life than he deserves.

The complete absence of aggressiveness borders on apathy or spinelessness, because it means a refusal to fight. It is remembered, for example, main character film "Autumn Marathon": he suffers himself, tortures people close to him - and all because of weakness of will, inability to defend his opinion.

situational aggressiveness

Occurs as a response to internal conflicts caused by the circumstances. It can be trouble (personal or work), Bad mood and well-being, as well as a response to the resulting conflictogen.

In psychology, this state is called frustration. It arises from a real or imagined hindrance to the attainment of the goal. Defense reactions when frustrated, they manifest themselves in aggressiveness. Frustration often becomes the cause of neuroses.

Since aggressiveness is destructive to human relations and is closely related to frustration, the question arises of how to get rid of the harmful effects of aggressiveness.

This question is of interest to many and therefore one of the following sections is devoted to it.

It should be noted that conflictogens such as "striving for superiority" and "manifestation of selfishness" can also be attributed to some form of aggression - covert aggression. For they represent an encroachment, albeit veiled, on the dignity of a person, his interests.

Due to the escalation of conflictogens, latent aggression is rebuffed in the form of explicit, stronger aggression.

The root of the word "selfishness" is the Latin "ego", meaning "I".

All manifestations of egoism are conflictogenic, because the egoist achieves something for himself (usually at the expense of others), and this injustice, of course, serves as a ground for conflicts.

Egoism is value orientation a person characterized by the predominance of selfish needs, regardless of the interests of other people. Manifestations of egoism are related to another person as an object and a means of achieving selfish goals.

The development of egoism and its transformation into the dominant orientation of the personality is explained by serious defects in education. Inflated self-esteem and egocentrism of the individual are fixed in childhood, as a result of which only one's own interests, needs, experiences, etc. are taken into account. adulthood such a concentration on one's own self, selfishness and complete indifference to inner world other people leads to alienation. "Egoism is hateful," said Pascal, "and those who do not suppress it, but only cover it, are always worthy of hatred."